Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[sanmagic7]

i understand what your t is saying about meds being able to dull down the explosiveness of triggers just a notch so you can more easily get through the underbrush that may be troubling you on this path.  they can be helpful for that. 

i'm not trying to talk you into anything, el.  i just know it can be helpful for some people.  for some, maybe not.  it's up to you, and i support any decision you make.  sometimes it can be looked at as a temporary thing, just to get you over a big bump in the road.  sometimes the side effects make that bump feel bigger.

whichever way you choose to go, earth mother spirit is with you, giving you the strength you need to do what you feel is best for you.  lots of love and hugs, you dear el.

[Elphanigh]

It is good you understand what she is trying to say as well. It would just get me through some of this with less intensity, making this a bit easier to handle. Then once we got the initial round of things done and got them all to s lower base level I could go back to doing it off meds. It does sound like something that might be helpful right now. I feel all of this at such a high level that being down a notch or two could really help this be more effective.

Also with the way work has been,I am constantly sitting up super high in my anxiety. It would be nice not to have to fight it as much. I don't need like a major downer, just something to mellow me a bit. Give me a better baseline. I have always been apprehensive with medication but this one makes sense. It would be nice to have the extra bit of help.

I don't want to feel like I am caving, or not capable though. Which I know my T recognizes. It is why she is so careful to really emphasize she supports either decision like you just did as well.

I am conflicted to say the least. I shouldn't be, but I am. I probably deserve the extra little bit of help, and shouldn't think of it as caving... it is strong to accept help. I also would still be doing the work, just with a bit less edge to it so I could go deeper. Idk.. I want to but there are old voices telling me all the things I used to tell myself about meds. Things I know better than now, but things that are hard to ignore entirely

Thank you for supporting my choice either way. I need the strength that she is giving to make the right decision.. either way I go I am given some downside to combat. I have to decide which is more worth it.

[Elphanigh]

I miss sleep so much... I either don't sleep (have been trying to sleep for the better part of two hours), or when I do I have nightmares.

I know my T said the nightmares are a sign of progress even if they don't feel like it. The fact they are ones like wha it had when I was ten means that I have really made strides at integrating that part of me. This show s in the fact she is sharing more with me, that those parts of more present... but that is meaning more nightmares for me. I haven't have this type in years..

I have always had nightmares but they have changed as I aged. Getting the ones that I had when I was ten or so is really not fun. Like reliving some of my bigger fears. I was so haunted by nightmares as a kid, I mean in adulthood as well, but as a child they are more terrifying .

I know this is progress but it is a terrible way to show it.

Part of me is in child mode, I recognize that. It is such a desperate longing for proper sleep and rest. I just miss sleep.. I am always in a state of exhaustion now 

.

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, progress can be pretty painful. Especially when you can't sleep enough. Everyone needs their rest, and without it we all can be a mess. I know I can get like this when I can't take enough of a break.

[Elphanigh]

That's how I feel. I want to just take a few days off and rest. However, I don't get that option right now, so I am just hoping to get enough sleep eventually. I am trying everything I can

[sanmagic7]

i wish you could, too, sweetie.  sounds like you're now getting ready to have some of those 10-yr. old realizations come to your consciousness.  it just sucks that it has to be so painful, frightening, to get to that point.  sitting with you, earth mother spirit enfolding you to soothe and calm your mind for just one good night's sleep. 

wish i could do more, make time for you for some much needed sleep.  sending a hug full of concern and love.  sleep my child, and peace attend thee.

[Elphanigh]

I so wish I could. I am off work tomorrow but I need to make some stressful phone calls and clean my apartment. It often resembles mt mental state which right now is cluttered and messy.

I hate that nt first instinct is that I don't want anymore of those realizations.. they are kicking my tail.  I know I want and need them on a different level but my first reaction today is to run and hide. I hate having so much of this come back, and the spike in all of this in order to get the better realizations. 

It is exhausting and painful to put myself back through these. I just want to be able to sleep again.. without nightmares and having to battle to get to sleep.

I will return to your response here when I try to sleep this evening. Trying to envision the earth mother spirit trying to calm me to sleep for just one night.

You do so much by just being wuth me through this. I am ao grateful you are with me through part of this journey. I am not sure what I would do without your kind and encouraging words.

[Elphanigh]

Work was full of stressors and reminders of why I just can't get myself to wind down or rest. I have a few hours to try to do just that before I ave to go back. I just want to run and hide..l go home and curl up. Well not even home really... I need somewhere different. Safe, peaceful, not full of reminders of things that need done or my inability to just get simple things done. Honestly I haven't had enough energy to properly clean dishes or laundry... it is horrible, but i say I am going to do it and then I ome home completely drained or my anxiety is riding so high that all I can do is try to do self care that will help take me down a few notches... it is frustrating I can't get those simple things done

At work it looks like everything is okay, I am on top of things.. but my small apartment really reflects the exhaustion and disarray I am feeling

[Blueberry]

and what a surface to brush, sweetie.  that's huge stuff, and you are so brave to be going after it. 

It bears repeating: you are so brave! It sounds as if you are making a lot of progress, just being able to keep going, processing all this and getting in touch with little Elphanighs. Just keeping going is huge!

I know all too well about not wanting any more realisations. No wonder, who'd want all this pain? Who'd want their 6 year old to realise that some people including those close to one are actually bad and hurt this little 6 year old?

You sound safe with your T and in good hands. I'm happy for you, that's so important. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Blueberry  I needed to see that again, more than I can explain really. To be reminded how much I am doing.

I feel like my mental illnesses are winning. Like the combination of them is winning the battle today, not forever but definitely today. It is really such a defeated place to be.

Thank you for being able to put to words why those realizations were something I didn't want. I couldn't fully come up with the correct ones.

My T is very safe, and I am so grateful for her. She is wise, and able to see thing before I can voice them. I trust her more than I ever have a T. I am in good hands, thankfully

[DecimalRocket]

There are definitely days that are going to be a lot more difficult than others. Days where there isn't as much energy, hope, relaxation or warmth than the others. I agree with Blue here,  I admire your courage to push through something so stressful and so exhausting.

It's really something to see something so horrible clearly. As if you were in a dark cave all your life and once you went out, the sun has been blinding your fragile eyes. But there's a world out there to explore, once your eyes can handle the light.

[Elphanigh]

The tough days are happening more often recently. I am just wearing out, I guess. Thank you for admiring my courage, I forget that it is courageous. It is good to hear reminders of that when I am feeling so low.

Your analogy is pretty impressive. Thank you for putting it that way, it helped me


Today has been particularly difficult. I have felt like my cptsd is winning, although my anxiety disorder is doing more than winning today. It has been taking over for week s and it has finally accomplished that. I am hoping I can start to turn that around. I want to feel better, to feel like I am not losing

[Elphanigh]

I spent today away from my own space, and on a friend's couch. She is a calming spirit for me, and I for the first time in forever relaxed a bit. We just watched some shows and vegged on the couch. Did some good chatting with her as well.

This has meant that my house is still dirty, and phone calls aren't made. I am fighting off the guilt for this, to try to maintain the peace that I have started to find. I also have an ambien that I can take tonight to sleep. One good night of sleep could make a world of difference, so I will take it in hopes to create one. There is some guilt there as well, but I need to not feel that.

I keep trying to play reminders in my head that self care is good, and important. To remind myself as I have been told by many people that we do self care because we are worth it. I am posting here as that reminder, and to be in a community that can understand how hard simple things like dishes can be. I am trying to not feel like my mental illness is winning, but that is a hard shift for my mind.

[Elphanigh]

Had a second therapy session today, kind of an emergency session to help me bring myself down a few notches. It worked very well, the anxiety ha come back but not nearly as strong today. I guess I triggered little me unintentionally on Tesday and hadn't realized it. I started talking about my abusers more specifically, and that they were bad. I have been talking more about my family and just surface feelings than I have my other abusers.

My T is very careful with me to keep me focused in session, and only let me drift a bit when it is something that I need. I have been processing things outside of my sexual abuse, there are many things to be processed and they are some layers that hav been easier to confront that some of the worst would be. I think it is the tactic my T is using to slowly guide me down that road, get me a little more settled before getting into the worst of my past.

Part of me wishes I was more capable right now. I wish I was stronger, that I was more resilient.. I know that I am strong and resilient because I wouldn't be here otherwise, but I will that I had a few more ounces of strength. I know I was forced to become stronger than anyone should be from a young age, but I want to be stronger. Like just a few more ounces of strength and bravery might help me.

It might help me not be so affected, it might help me be able to dig deeper and withstand more. I got bad again last night, had to call into work, and have an extra therapy session. I am not digging in deep enough for it to be this difficult. I just want to be stronger, more capable of healing and defeating this demon

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, there.

Resilience is something that's made, not born with. It takes time. I've read all kinds of books, and one thing I've learned when people try to gauge other's resilence when they bring them into their team as a coach, manager, personal tutor or anything similar is that many don't judge them by their current state, but their potential. What these people could be rather than what they are right now.

It's how much they grow and put effort into things over time. They are people out there who do well at their current state, but never really try to improve themselves and so grow in the long term. But you? You're doing so much to grow.

The best ingredient to resilience I've learned in creating resilient systems in my nerdy research (which includes people) is its ability to change. The world is changing, and people have to adapt to that change. And you're doing what you can to evolve.

It's not perfect, but that's a sign of resilience growing in you. And it's worth it to keep fanning the flame.

Take care, Elpha.