Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

You are very correct. Two days is much less time than it used to take me to get over setbacks, especially this large. Thank you for pointing out my progress. I forget that is important

Creativity may be necessary here. I am not entirely sure where to start but I will.

[DecimalRocket]

Things don't always work out, but you can still do something about them. And you are, Elpha. And it's nice that you're giving yourself a break before planning the next move. . . Sometimes to heal, we just need a breather.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. It has taken strength to allow myself to do that. Although I am starting to feel better. 

[Blueberry]

this time it only took 2 days.  i'd bet that in your past it has taken you longer than that.  that's progress, sweetie. 

Totally. 

[Elphanigh]

I made giant progress today in therapy. We have been doing a blend of ego state and emdr. It is interesting to reprocess these things with the younger versions of myself. For almost a month these sessions have revolved around processing with the ego state (or little) that is about ten. She holds my self blame and a great amount of fear. It is her who holds most of my issues with my FOO. It is her that is so terrified of anger, and it is her that has had such self blame. She is the one that holds onto the old feelings of worthlessness, or just in general being bad.

With this we have been hitting some really deep things. It has gone a bit to far before, but we are finding a balance within session now. Keeping it in window of tolerance, where I do work but don't go too high. I am glad my T has really made an effort to help find this balance in session. She is beginning to read me better, just as I am.

I found a state of calm and peace today towards the end of session. Like one that I have very rarely ever felt. Certainly a feeling that ten year old had never felt before. I could calm that inner child, and in turn it calmed me. I could remember some scary things, and then go back to  re-envision them with adult me there helping younger me. It made a scary memory less scary. I got to let that little girl curl up in my arms and feel protected. I got to be the adult that could help her, she finally had an adult that helped her. It created a few breakthroughs for me. I found myself thinking that I have made progress finally. This is more tangible than other things. I know not all sessions can be like this but I think this will open a new window for me.

At the beginning I did talk about not being able to apply to grad school this year. She echoed some of what I have heard. Pointing out that maybe it is just the world saying "not yet". Not it saying never. That it is a not right now. She also, after me saying something about it being a sign I wasn't mean to have that, said that maybe it is simply just a sign that I can focus on recovery right now. That maybe it would be too much for me right now, and that the world is letting me heal more first. I had thought about that before, but it helped to have that repeated back to me.

I am feeling more hopeful than I have been. I am still not entirely sure what I want but I think I am starting to figure that out.

[Elphanigh]

Really struggling with an ef this afternoon. Positive thing is that I recognized it really quickly after it started happening. It is allowing me to think a bit through it. To recognize the child that is so triggered in me right now, and try to pinpoint what emotions I am going back to. I am able to try to figure out what it is I am back in. I haven't figured it out but we will see.

This happens at work pretty frequently. My profession at the moment is not really good for theses, as it is high stress and basically guaranteed that I will run into a crappy person at least once a day that is at least mildly mean or beyond stressful.

I am getting better at not going into a full ef every time, but these still hit me sometimes. I find myself back in the overwhelmed feelings of fear, stress, and just back into shame land. It is like being that kid again with the flood of emotions. With my current work in therapy I can start to recognize these emotions rather than being completely knocked by them.


Trying to get this to go away in the few hours I have for break between shifts today is a challenge, but I want to get to go back into work completely on top of my game. I will really need it tonight, or I will exist In this place all night

[Blueberry]

I am getting better at not going into a full ef every time

Yay, great progress! 

Good luck for this evening to be as best through EF as you can.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you! 

[sanmagic7]

el, that sounds like a dynamite session you had, all the protectiveness and nurturing you were able to give your little 10-yr. old is so sweet and solid at the same time.  i'm so very glad for you that it worked out so well.  what an accomplishment.

i love what your t said to you about 'maybe it's just not for right now', that there's something else that such a space of time can be used for to your benefit.  i know you'll work it out, and it'll be just right.

warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.  you done good!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much, dear! I love someone celebrating the wonderful session and accomplishment with me.  That whole session was really powerful for me, including her idea of just not right now. It has really helped me start to look and form things.

[Elphanigh]

Haven't posted in my journal in a while. I have been busy working, and When I am not doing that I am recovering from the long exhausting hours.

Therapy is today, afternoon my lunch shift. Hopefully it is a helpful session full of insights. I want to look into what I am feeling towards my niece and towards going home. I have had a harder time trying to figure out where those feelings are coming from. They don't feel like they fit the little (ego state) that I have currently been doing so much work with.

I have been able to use the image of comforting my little to calm myself at times this week. It doesn't always work but there is something about that image is helpful to parts of me.

[Elphanigh]

I tried to start to connect to my six year old self. The version that is confused, and hurt. I described her as holding all of my good, and innocence. She was sweet, naive, and kind. It was hard to feel that confusion and loss for words again.. there was a point I think I was almost actually her, I felt like I was. I felt that confusion anew, I lost my ability to find the right words or almost words at all.

Thankfully my T handled that very well, without even a second thought I think. She was able to say what that six year old needed to hear, and switch back and forth with me as needed. I really have gotten lucky.

Little me had to hear a hard truth today, when she asked why. The answer was because people were bad,and they wanted to hurt people. That there are people in the world who do just want to hurt people. They said they loved me to trick me, so I would do what they wanted. Some people are just bad and mean.

We say it in little kid talk to help that little six year old start to make sense of what happened to her. Adult me knows, but there is that piece of me that hasn't grown yet. She still holds confusion and just a lot of hurt. Not understanding the world that was around her.

Going into that next week will be a large thing to tackle, as I didn't fully get to go into it this time. Just brushing a surface

[sanmagic7]

and what a surface to brush, sweetie.  that's huge stuff, and you are so brave to be going after it.  you really are.  it takes a lot of guts, and i give you all kinds of credit.

yeah, unfortunately, there are bad, mean, nasty people in the world who want us to believe they love us just so they can manipulate us to do what will serve them best.  i have a lot of neg. feelings towards them.  i'm so very glad your t is walking this path with your darling little 6-yr. old you the way she is.  she and you are so very precious, and it sounds like your t is being so very careful cuz she knows how precious you both are.  that's so wonderful.

you're doing it, el.  even with your work, those long hours, everything else that's been on your mind, you continue to move to where you need to go.  sending a big hug filled with caring, mounds of support, and love to you.

[Elphanigh]

My dear, you always have a way with words that makes me feel like I am truly doing something wonderful. They are always such a comfort to me. Really truly you and my T are similar in a lot of ways, not in like a weird sort of way, just in the same kind of caring individual kind of way. You both exude something I can't  quite explain.

My T is walking this path with me so very well. She has taken such care with ten year old, and fourteen year old me (the ones we have been working with for a month or two).it was good to start to let her all that with six year old me. She is very careful with me and my inner little one, to an extent that it makes me feel safe enough to let myself feel vulnerable. I mean I let myself feel that confusion and hear her words speak to this little one today. I am thankful she is helping me walk this journey.

Thank you for recognizing how much I have on my plate, and how much it means that I am still choosing to do this work. It is a battle that I work with every day.. it feels good to have it recognized.

Lots of loving hugs back. I need them tonight. Honestly think I will sit in earth mother spirits flowing skirts tonight, feeling the warmth and encouragement that you have always brought with her.

Honestly my T has gone to asking if I want a hug after each session, I know that may not be the by the book way to do it, but it certainly helps me.

[Elphanigh]

Thinking about going on medication again, just to help bring me down a few notches. My T and I have talked about it off an on for a while, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I think I want to try though. It would be nice to bring my anxiety level down, and to help dull the triggers just a little bit. We talked in session today, about it helping the process at least at first to not have such strong reactions, we could work on this stuff without as much caution if I was down a few notches.

Not at all how she phrased it btw, hers as eloquent and less odd sounding. Also more an explanation of what it has done for people, and could do for me. That it was totally up to me and I was handling well, but that it could help. I have been thinking about it anyways and my nightmares coming back really does make me want to.

Now I just need to get past the anxiety and make the phone call to make an appointment :/ I hate making calls, especially this type. Welcome to the circle of my anxiety.... neeed to make the call to get help, can't make the call because of the thing I need help with.  *sigh*