Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

It has been such a long week thus far. I have really had to put healing to a back burner just to survive this transition. I am starting to get better at it but I still struggle some everyday. I need to figure out how to get it all done, not having s car has been a real difficulty for me.

On a more recover based note, I have picked Pete Walkers book back up. There were some things under emotional intelligence that I had never labeled as an issue. There were sections he would describe something s parent would do that was emotionally neglectful...and it was like a light bulb.. or like reading something my mom had said a million times to me or even my grandparents.. it was a hard moment of realization for me, it just reaffirms the abusive cycle that my family contained...

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses. A hug is the best thing in the world. 

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, has to have multiple sugeries because of the wreck...

I am realizing just how emotionally neglectful my family was/is

Lost my car, can't buy another one...started a new job, can't make my therapy without my car at the moment

My girlfriend is gettinf married on Saturday...

Just a lot...

[Lingurine]

Dear Elphanigh, I just wanted to hug you  because of your dad. This must be so hard.

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the hug Lingurine 
It is really hard because I do truly love him. Of my family members he was the healthier one for me, which just makes it that much harder.

I live more than a two day drive away from my family so if anything happens I couldn't get there.. not having a car or any savings for a plane ticket.

I miss him some days, and just wsnt ti be there to make sure everyone is okay. His recovery from the knee surgery alone will be 4 months.. I just worry because I am not there to see it all.. and care for everyone. It was always my job so I have a difficult job separating from that still... and trusting someone like my mom to step up.. because it was always me

[Elphanigh]

Okay, here goes nothing. I have been super shaming and guilting myself. I went about 26 hours without eating, didn't sleep worth anything. I am going to share, because everyone is so great with me normally. I need to stop shaming and guilting myself so much, and to stop feeling like I am going to hurt someone by sharing. So here is my attempt. I am sorry for the length ahead of time.

Also *trigger warning* just in case..

So all of this is complicated I guess.. my girlfriend is super angry with me, and triggered me yesterday. I did somethings I probably shouldn't have but I did not know they would hurt her.. I did not know it would be a problem... it wasn't intentional.. and she got married in the U.K.today.. we have a poly relationship which is generally healthy because of how we choose to do it. Either way.. she is extremely angry because of me not telling her about something that I intended to tell her but hadn't yet..

I don't do well with people blaming me for things, and guilting me... just in general people being overly angry and mean towards me. She used a few phrases but one sent my into the emotional flashback without me realizing it in the moment. "

"Where the * was your mind?"... that statement reminded me of my mother.. every time I messed up at all. It was something she said every time I messed up... when she found out about any of my abuse that was part of her reaction (I never told her anymore.. I admitted to him forcing me to kiss him.. that is it) I was 12... anytime my anxiety appeared.. because I just needed to get better and think it through..when one of my boyfriends was abusive... that was her reaction.. for so many things

I felt the shame and guilt come back.. I felt and still feel like that little girl who believes the whole world is her fault... that other people's pain is my fault..

I started to feel like the worthless, good for nothing little girl that multiple other of my abusers used to tell me I was.. I saw the anger and disappointment that came from them... I felt that worthless again...

I remembered feeling like I would only ever hurt people.. that I would only ever fail to be good enough.l. That I would always fail to save people.. I could only do harm...

I am always scared to share because I have been so convinced all I can be is harmful.. that sharing my truth will only hurt people.. that I have been through too much for anyone to understand or to want to hear... that I will hurt everyone because of it.. that my past will only ever hurt those who know it...

Sorry.. this is my attempt to share.. to start to feel like I am not that little girl anymore..to learn to know better and work through this

[Three Roses]

"Where the * was your mind?"

sounds like verbal abuse, really. It's possible to be angry without insulting someone in the process.

You were an innocent little girl that was controlled with fear and manipulation. You were more malleable if you believed what was told to you, and of course we were going to believe grownups!

I believe we are all forgiven for everything we have ever wanted or asked to be forgiven of. All of us carry this idea around that we are unforgivable, but we aren't. We're just too hard on ourselves to let it sink in.

But I do know how you feel. When my past rears its ugly head and I feel the effects of things I've done, I have a visceral reaction. I'm dirt, I'm filth, I'm evil, hurtful, malicious. It takes a while to dig out from under that, and see I did just what I thought I had to do to survive. And no one can fault me for that.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses for the response.

I want to think she doesn't mean it that way... even if it is verbal abuse.. I don't think it is intentional. She was hurt and angry.. I messed up without realizing I did. I know a friend of mine, who I disclosed the details of what I did and what happened when she got angry believes her to be abusive as well... it isn't the first time that she has called her that. I don't know what to believe. I don't want to believe she is.. because she I don't think would intentionally do that.. I hurt her so much... I slept with someone and hadn't told her yet.. she sfound out from someone else calling me a home wrecker over a group message.... so she was hurt and angry.

I was so young.. and there is so much I learned to blame myself for.. the least of which I shared in that post. I am trying to forgive myself.. and trying to accept that the emotional flashback isn't my fault...

I hope you are right about forgiveness . There is much I wish to be forgiven for.

Thank you for sharing.. I am glad you can understand. Although I am sorry for what you went through

[Elphanigh]

I need to keep this journal, and maybe a physical one. I have asked a friend a very large favor..
I haven't gotten a response but I will. Either way.. I need to keep a place here to keep me accountable as well. A place in my journal to know where my self hatred and shame and guilt levels are.

Last time I hurt someone I ended up truly suicidal.. I don't want to go back there. I can feel bits of the early start of that feeling.. nothing I will act on but it is on the edges of my mind. I must keep those levels small to ensure my own well being. I am not sure how to do that, other than to monitor and to redirect as best as I can...

To have someone that will sit with me on my worst days.. that will know when I need to call my T and when I am a danger to myself... someone that can objectively look.

I am capable of such self hate..l I know this. I know it all to well. So I start now to monitor it.. to place cautious with my demons and to keep myself well

[Blueberry]

I don't have any words for you, because in a bad place myself. However, 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the hug. I need that now so much. I am sorry you are also in a bad place

[Lingurine]

Dear Elphanigh, you deserve to be happy and you seem to work your way out of the pain that she got married. You deserve to be free and no longer feel obliged to explain who you are. I only see beautiful in you. Let no one else tell you different. You are so strong. Don't let that slip away.

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

I am more concerned that I caused her pain... I slept with someone and hadn't told her yet... we are always honest... the girl's ex that I slept with called me a lot of names.. and put them in a group message to me, my girlfriend, the girl I slept with, and a good friend of mine.... talk about a lot of guilting and shaming..

All I feel is all the people I have hurt... all the mistakes I have made in my entire life... I feel the little girl that just wanted to be good enough... and the adult that has no idea how to cope right now.... there is too much going on... I am strong but I am only so strong... I have a breaking point and I reached that weeks ago

[sanmagic7]

dear. sweet elphanigh, and your dear, sweet little elphanigh - my earth mother spirit is embracing you both in her voluminous skirts, gathering you in for some peace, comfort, and caring. 

to tell you the truth, i thought the relationship with your girlfriend was over and you had moved on.  this sounds like something different. 

i'm sorry this happened.  i think it's something for you to learn from.  the boundaries in your polygamous relationship sound kind of wobbly.   you may want to look at what exactly those boundaries are, whether they're good for you, and whether they benefit your life.  it sounds like you're the one who has gotten hurt here as well.   

just a question to ponder:  is this really the relationship you want with your married girlfriend?   you've talked about how she's cared for you as you've gone through some of your struggles.  how caring was this?

it's ok to be concerned about hurting others, but we have to know what the boundaries are exactly.  to try to guess at what might or might not hurt someone seems to me to be an exercise in futility.

no other person knows absolutely everything about me, what might hurt me or what could be a trigger.   no one knows any other person completely, either.  we will hurt people we care about at times, there's no getting around that.  they will hurt us as well.  however, sincere apologies and changed behaviors are what let us know that causing someone pain was not intentional.

what your girlfriend said to you sounds abusive to me.  if you've had others say the same thing about her, it might be something that you'll eventually want to look at.  in your own time, of course.  if it's true, you're the one who is continually being hurt, not the other way around. 

you know i admire and respect you.  that hasn't changed.  we all make mistakes.  it's how we learn.    big hug to you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Dear Sanmagic, your mother earth spirit is exactly what I need right now. things just keep adding to my pile and that is really hard...

At one point I was very decided to end things, but we talked and went another way. My heart loves her more than I can explain, and more than I thought I could love a person. She has truly helped me through a lot of stuff... and encouraged me to go through healing.. and been there on the nights where it was too much for me. It is hard to let go of all of the good.. especially when I am truly madly in love with her

It is defintiely something I need to learn from... I talked to my T and she sense that there is some underlying pain or a need that I needed met so badly that I chose to sleep with someone else.. and to seek comfort there. It is highly unlike me. So I ahve to figure out what that was..

As far as our boundaries.. I thought we had discussed them, and that I knew them. It is hard to experience the whiplash that happens when I didn't think I did anything wrong. If she does ever speak to me those boundaries need to be very clearly drawn out.... Also going forward can we use the word polyamory? It is more accurate to our situation. There is a difference in meaning and connotation. Thanks

This wasn't caring.. she just saw her own hurt and anger.. I had spent the morning reassuring her that everything would be okay.. she was already stressed.. and lashed out in hurt. She didn't know that was something my mom had said... and meant it because the girl I slept with is still married.. although getting a divorce.. and was friends with my girlfriend... either way it was a hot mess.. and I shouldn't have involved myself in the first place.. however again I need to figure out the underlying why to why I did it... what is hiding under to make my judgement so lacking there...I made a poor decision, girlfriend aside.

She had been doing better, and had been making large leaps in how she treats me... so I can see why the hurt because she had been truly trying and truly making things better...

I have a hard time agreeing.. I have heard it in multiple different situations from a person I trust very much. It does make me think.. but I keep seeing the love she says she has for me.. and all the things she does do for me.. and that the abusive moments come in places where I have caused great hurt..

Thank you for still respecting me.. these choices are very unlike me. I am normally so level headed and wise.. I am not sure why I lacked that.. I am young but I have never acted young and stupid...