the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

thanks, wife2.  big smile on my face right now!

i did some 'splainin' to my hub the other night about this metaphor, and how every time he tells me i 'can't' do something, or shushes me, it feels like he's putting a rope around me or shooting a sedative dart at me.  he told me he's only trying to protect me cuz if i get in trouble, it will bounce back to him as well, and he's trying to prevent anything neg. 

all i know is that i've made it thru nearly 70 yrs. of doing things the way i do them,  have made mistakes, have worked my way out of them, have learned from them and that has been me being me.  yes, if i were in real danger, that's one thing.  but if it's something i do that someone else might not like, or frown upon,  it's a simple disagreement, that's on me and me alone.  my true self is a bit wild and very free-spirited, large and loud.  if others don't like that, they don't have to.  i have no problem with that.  i just have a problem with people trying to stop me from being me.

not that i don't have some propriety.  i do have those basics down.  but most of the world is a place for fun, laughter, kindness, smiling, hugs, passion, spirit, and love.  most of my world, that is.  and, my experience has been that most people are affected positively by such a presence as i bring. 

when i visited my daughter at christmas, we walked into a store.  i'd just bought some fun/funky sunglasses, and a woman stopped me and told me that she liked them.  then she looked me up and down (i was dressed pretty funky that day) and told me she loved all of it.  i spontaneously gave her a big hug and said, 'and i love you'.  after her initial startled reaction, she began smiling.  what better thing to send into the world than love and smiles?

i do love this version of me, am so glad i lived long enough to see it again.  i've come home at last.  and being able to feel that soft happiness at the base of it all is the cherry on my cake.  the opportunities are out there - we need to be open to them no matter what form they may take.  a kids' movie!  trust the magic is my motto.  it has been for a long time, but i've been so bogged down in this that i'd forgotten it for a spell.  it's back, and i'm riding it for all it's worth!

you and everyone else here have been instrumental in me finding myself again.  i know it won't be perfect, there are still emotions that need to come back and the lag time for feeling them needs to shorten.  i'll still screw up and have to apologize.  i'm still fighting my physical stuff.  but i feel freer in my soul than i have in a long time.  it really is humbling rather than celebratory for me right now, but i appreciate your celebration for me, wife2.  thanks so much!

[Wife#2]

I'm so glad to see you've chosen to be you. The authentic you.  HHUUURRRRAAAAYYYYY!!!

[sanmagic7]

YAH!

[sanmagic7]

2 people in my life are going on adventures this next week that neither thought would ever happen.  a gf who has come through cancer this past year is going to be able to go to her favorite tennis tournament, see her favorite players.  she had to cancel last year cuz of the surgery, i don't think she thought she'd ever make it back.  but she is.

my hub is going down the baja peninsula to see the whales with a dear friend from many years ago, who is also so excited that he can go, that they can share the experience.  i am feeling genuinely happy for them both!  i can feel the happy and it feels wonderful!  not just giving lip service, but the actual feeling.  wow!  so this is how it feels.  i'm liking it! 

my little soft inner happiness for me is still there as well.  is my brain re-wiring?  i can only think yes, or how else could this be.  joy in the morning!  you all have played a big part in this phenomenon.  one thing i read in van der kolk's book is that a healing, gentle, supportive ambience is conducive to our brains coming back from where they'd been bullied to, and i consider this forum to be one of the most gentle and supportive places i'm involved in.  my daughter's household is in the same category.  i wish i could spend more time there. 

try as my hub might, he's still got too much street in him, and gets too defensive at times, and i'm back in the battle.  that always feels like it sets me back somewhat.   it's better than it was, but he just hasn't had very much experience with being gentle and compassionate.  he does things for me, runs errands, that sort of thing without a whimper, and i appreciate it completely.   it's just when it gets to personal issues that he's immediately got his shields up expecting that i'm going on the attack when all i'm doing is asking a question.  o well.  such is life - imperfect as all get out! 

he'll be gone for at least 3 days, and it will be lovely to have that time on my own.  he might be gone for a week, and that would be even better.  everything for me is different when he's gone, especially sleeping.  i'll just enjoy my time by myself, and feel happy that he's doing something not everyone gets to do.  i'm so glad for him, and for my friend.  it is a good day.

[Downsideup]

wowowow...whales!? That's going to be one * of an adventure. I hope that week to yourself is every bit as good as today was. You deserve it San

[sanmagic7]

thanks, so much, downsideup.  there are pictures on the internet showing how the whales come right up to the boats, people can touch them.  it truly is trippy!  at first he wasn't going to go - part of thinking he shouldn't get excited about anything.  i pushed on him, now he's like a little kid at christmas.  he leaves early tomorrow.  it'll be so cool for all of them!

it is so sweet of you to say that, downside, with all the crapola you've got going on, you can still find it in you to be supportive for someone else.  it really shows what kind of heart you have.  i'm smiling right now.

[sanmagic7]

i had a dream the other night of being with a man with whom i had dated in college.  it was a beautiful, fun dream, we were so much in love and very happy.  when i woke up i was smiling.

then, reality set in.  this is the man who found me thru my daughter and we reconnected for a few months.  back in college there were 2 incidents with him that sent up red flags for me, that maybe he wasn't this beautiful knight in shining armor i thought he was. 

during our reconnection, the chemistry between us ran fast and furious in just a couple of days.  we were only communicating by email and phone calls, but some things began to stand out. (i was really glad of this reconnection because i'd broken his heart all those years ago, and had been wanting to apologize.  his finding me gave me that opportunity, and i felt clean about it afterwards).

there started up a problem with his wife, who, at first, said it was ok for him to contact me, but after all the emails (like 3x/day, first thing in the morning, last thing before bed) she began being jealous.  i'd also told my hub about this, and he was fine with it.  anyway, my old love showed on several occasions that he was very critical and judgmental of me, my beliefs, and my former lifestyle, almost lecturing me, and he also began sneaking around behind his wife's back (they shared a phone, so he even went to a store and bought a burner phone just to talk to me away from home). 

eventually, i'd had enough, went nc with him.  gave him 3 reasons why, but he didn't understand.  i know he misses me and is probably confused, can't understand how going behind his wife's back was helping not to cause problems in his marriage, that sort of thing. 

so, this dream the other night, and i wanted to re-connect with him, try to explain what happened.  my logical side told me that it was out of his comprehension zone, but my emotional side wanted to try to soothe him by making him understand what had happened.  it was a terrific battle of wills going on inside me, and ultimately stressed me out completely.  it's stressing me out writing about it again, but i'm more firm now on not re-connecting.

the stress from this was terrible, and stress, especially to this degree, where i begin to feel sick, is especially dangerous for me and my adrenals.  it takes too much out of them, and they don't have enough in them to be pushed and pulled like that. 

i have many dreams of people 'visiting' me, and they're usually very happy times going on, as was this one.  my hub told me he'd read that when we dream of people, it's because they're thinking of us, or missing us.  i'm sure that with this guy it was both, and it pulled my heartstrings so badly i had to fight myself to remain nc.

dang, who'd think a happy, loving dream would bring on so much distress?  it was 3 days of awful.

[Wife#2]

Oh, San... HUGS. I can understand. You reconnect, finally apologize (though it sounds like you had reasons for leaving before, too). Then, history repeats. And through his inappropriate behavior, you're forced to 'leave him' again. It is a very sad, distressing situation. And the dream didn't help except to refocus you back on that whole stew of emotions.

This one would do well to try to purge quickly. You did as my father suggested. You did all you could do. How he chose to react (burn phone to hide? :: shakes head no:: ) is HIS choice. It's time to wash your hands of the guilt and to walk away, chin high. This time, you don't need to apologize. This time, you reacted as a responsible adult to an irresponsible adult. It's OK to say, 'Enough.'

[Twinkletoes]

Eugh San, I can totally understand this. So sorry you have been feeling so torn.

Fighting with your conscience is not easy. You have your logical thoughts and then you have your emotional ones. It is so hard to do "the right thing" when your emotional side of you wants to feel less guilty.

I know this isn't comparable really, but I dreamt the other week of an old friend of mine - I went NC with her in August because she was very toxic towards me but I sometimes dream of her and have to really fight not to get back in touch with her and reconnect. I am pretty sure she would love for us to see each other again (although I could be wrong). I have to stay NC with her for my own sake.

I think what we have both got in common is that we are carrying guilt. Guilt that doesn't belong to us. You tried to do the right thing before and look how that ended. I think you need to walk away now, as hard as that would be!!!

Sending hugs x

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much for the validation, wife2.  i'd been able to put it aside yesterday, but what you've said has cemented the idea for me, and i appreciate that a lot.  i hope he doesn't come back and i end up going thru this all over again.  somehow, tho, i don't think it will be quite as emotional next time.  that's a relief just to think about it.

yesterday i felt so good, got 8 hrs. of sleep that night, which is so rare, so i did some cleaning, writing, other chores, a little movement, yoga and meditation, and am now feeling burned out.  it's so hard to balance this.  i rarely feel good enough to do those daily things so when i do, i end up overdoing.  i'm tired today, but this is my default feeling.  i'm used to this.

still, it would be nice to find some balance.  i guess i let things go for so long cuz i just don't have the energy or motivation to keep on top of them, and with my hub gone right now (he's patting whales down south) i do have more energy for regular household things.

one thing i did realize is that when he's home, i'm on his schedule, and that takes up a lot of my energy.  i think i have about 5 units of energy to spare in any one day, 2 of which are automatically relegated to him - getting his food ready for the day, waking up before i really want to, spending time with him for a bit in the evening (kind of waiting on him when he comes home).   writing on this forum can take 1-2 units of energy, depending on what's going on, but it's also something i want to do, keep it included in my daily schedule.  that leaves 1 or possible 2 units of energy to make food for myself, do dishes, do any errands that need to be accomplished, and find a way to be able to sleep enough during the day so that i feel better for the evening. 

most days those units are completely used.  days like this when he's gone gives me those 2 extra units, and i think i'm doing ok by adding something extra to my schedule, but i tend to not calculate correctly most of the time, and use up more energy that i thought i had, which leaves me depleted feeling, like today.  maybe someday i'll figure it out.  this up and down stuff is wearing all by itself.

just rambling, getting it out.  feels good to do that sometimes.

twink, good to hear from you!  actually, i think you went thru a very similar experience.  and, yeah, guilt, now that you mention it, does play a really big part in this.  thank you for that realization!  you're right, walk away and keep walking.  it's so tempting to think that 'this time it might be different'.  trouble is, i've thought that at least a thousand times in the past with others, and i was wrong every single time!  it was never different for more than a few moments.

breathing a little easier, as always when there's a realization that i can latch onto because it makes total sense.  dammit, i hate this crapola sometimes!  so many losses.  maybe it's time for another funeral.  lay him to rest with this final piece you provided me.  thank you again.  and i hope you're doing well.  you sound strong.

[Twinkletoes]

I agree with you, unfortunately it never changes (for long) anyway.  People like that don't often change. I've began to think of it like this: Because of my history and my C-PTSD etc, I attracted toxic people. People that liked control and I was the type of person who were normally seeking validation and acceptance so probably accepted a lot of * that I shouldn't have.... it's repetition compulsion at it's finest - we repeat the painful patterns because although they are awfully painful, they come with a familiar sense of "home" about them.. if that makes sense?

I am trying to tell myself that on my journey to heal, I have to cut these old patterns off, no matter how painful that may be now - with the knowledge that in the future, I will thank myself for it and be able to attract different people, people that are kind and genuine.

But the guilt is strong. It is one of my biggest problems in trying to heal from a narcissistic mother - and a narcissistic friend. Carrying their guilt and it still feels like it belongs to me although it doesn't.

XX

[Twinkletoes]

PS - Please do not try and catch up on my last few weeks because I've just posted on my journal and there is HEAPS of writing. Please don't use up your energy or your remaining units on it!! I can summarise for you instead if you wanted to hear about it xx

[sanmagic7]

too late, twink.  already read them and responded.  i'm glad i did.  it was a pleasure. 

i agree with you about the repetition.  i've had to eliminate so many people from my life because of that.  my latest ex-girlfriend i'd been friends with for over 20 yrs!  i don't even have the faintest idea what would have happened if my parents were still alive.  don't know if i'd have been able to speak to them about this, what they'd be like as they'd gotten older, if i'd have had to eliminate them as well.  they both died a long time ago, so i'll never know.  when i've spoken to them in my mind, i've had some good conversations with them, but i've also done a lot of anger work with them as well. 

i have 3 people in my life now that i care to keep close to me - my brother, my daughter, and my hub.  my brother and daughter are so kind and supportive of me, and i've been able to tell him a lot about what's going on with me.  he's been tolerant and caring.  my daughter, i can only speak about some of the stuff, because i lot involves her father, and she isn't in a place to deal with much about him and me besides what i told her about his lusting after her, which devastated her.  she's decided to keep him in her life, but i've asked her not to tell me about him.  her sister, well, we've both had to go nc with her.  same with my sister.  many, many losses.  friends, exes, family, therapists - i've had very poor luck with theapists.  luckily i became one so am able to help myself a lot and understand a lot.  i also love doing research, and have gotten a lot of info about what's going on with me physically, what i need to bring to the docs so that i may get some relief.

thanks for your concern, twink.  i've cut way down on posts that i respond to because of my energy levels, but there are several people, such as you, with whom i've been involved from early on, and want to continue to stay involved.  i'm careful - this forum has been a life-saver for me, along with the people on it.  i don't want to give that up, and will happily use my units of energy here when and as much as i am able.  love and hugs.

[Twinkletoes]

Ah sorry, I didn't get to you quickly enough!!! Thank you in any case for reading them all. There was so much, must have taken you ages!!! I am always worried not to trigger someone else.

Oh wow, you really have had a lot of losses in your life. I can't imagine how you've come through all of that such a wonderfully caring person. That is a tribute to you. 

I am so glad you have your brother, daughter and your hub but you also have me and others you have connected with on here or wherever else you might speak to people. I often think of you and hope you are doing well.

I didn't know you were a therapist?!! Wow that is incredible, I would LOVE to be a therapist one day. How amazing is that, do you still work?

xx

[sanmagic7]

no problem, twink.  your blogs are easy to read, as in you write in a manner to make reading them easy.

yes, i'm a therapist for about 25 yrs., have practiced emdr for about 20 yrs., have also worked with addictions and adolescents (my favorites).  i haven't worked regularly for nearly 16 yrs, when i got too sick, and had to quit.  while here in mexico, i've worked with several people during the years, but even that's gotten too stressful for me now.  i love the work, tho.  when i was a kid, i wanted to be a brain researcher - the mind fascinated me even then.  i went to college in my teens to be a teacher.  had to drop out after 2 yrs.  went back to school in my 40's, got my b.a. in psych, and my master's in soc. work, (MSW) which initials i now get to put after my name!  big deal, hey?  but, actually, to me it was.  got credentialed via a 4-hr. exam (i completed it in 3 hrs. and 53 min.  it was tough!) and was also trained in couples and family therapy.  i really feel like i got the best of both the worlds i wanted to be a part of - i get to explore the minds of people while teaching them as well.  it all works out the way it's supposed to, i guess!

you'd probably make a very good therapist.  if you ever do decide to go that route, and have questions, feel free.

and thank you for your kind words.  they're really appreciated.  love and hugs.