Of course it's worth it!

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad you're back home, blueberry.  'my brain fell out of my head' - yep, love that (even if it doesn't feel good) but i love it cuz it completely describes how i've been feeling after these 3 weeks w/ my D and her radiation treatments.  i hope you can continue to allow your process to keep at it, doing its thing in its own time and way.  sounds like it's working well.  love and hugs

[Chart]

Fun fact: when I'm physically injured like this,I have far more intrinsic motivation, it just kicks in automatically. I was told by a previous OT that it's a known thing.

That is super interesting. I've always wondered why I'm super motivated to do my own stuff when I'm working for someone else. And when I have time for myself I just sit here... like today... :|

[Hope67]

 

[Blueberry]

That is super interesting. I've always wondered why I'm super motivated to do my own stuff when I'm working for someone else. And when I have time for myself I just sit here... like today... :|

I don't know why that would be Chart, though I'm sure there's a reason somewhere. However I don't quite see the connection between what you're experiencing and my tendency to feel activated when there's something wrong with me physically. (Unless it's something like having a fever, which doesn't activate me, fortunately, because a body needs rest at that point.) If you want to discuss further, please copy over to your Journal, thanks.

It is verrrrrrry hot today and I'm not feeling super-motivated to do tons, tho I have maybe done more than on some days. I went to the library in the early afternoon to read the newspaper but ended up talking to the woman sitting next to me (the library has a little café where you can read newspapers but also talk). Though we didn't know each other, it ended up being quite a deep, personal conversation. I didn't feel dumped on at all though. She was sympathetic to some things I mentioned too, not really trauma - maybe contributed a bit to my childhood trauma. As I'm still mulling what to write to a friend I'm in disagreement with, this encounter helps me realise that I'm not this terrible egoitistical person only interested in my own 'stuff' and not caring about other people's feelings or that they also may have rough spots.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're able to see that, blueberry.  i concur wholeheartedly!  sounds like a lovely little encounter.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

The conversation in the library sounds like it was a good and safe-feeling conversation for you. I hope my impression is correct.

[Blueberry]

The conversation in the library sounds like it was a good and safe-feeling conversation for you. I hope my impression is correct.

Yes, that's correct.

This evening I had a further unexpected but good conversation with some people I got talking to briefly. Nothing like the personal level of yesterday's conversation, but still nice.

[Armee]

 

Just catching back up.

[Blueberry]

  Armee

[Blueberry]

So what changed? What happened? Nothing feels worth it this morning. I just want to go back to bed.

Showering would be a good idea, it would even help my skin not feel so itchy I think. But showering is often difficult. Not sure if that alone makes me want to go back to bed.

[sanmagic7]

maybe those lovely conversations kind of blew your circuits, blueberry.  things might have simply been too much 'good' for you and you're needing some time to process, allow the good feelings from them to sink in, and finally be ok with them.  just a thought.

at any rate, i hope you can accept that what your system needs right now is gentleness and kindness - sending love and a hug filled with both your way.

[Blueberry]

maybe those lovely conversations kind of blew your circuits, blueberry.  things might have simply been too much 'good' for you and you're needing some time to process, allow the good feelings from them to sink in, and finally be ok with them. 

That is possible, you know. I used to act quite strongly that way. Probably goes back to FOO being very disapproving of anybody being kind to me or supporting me in any way that they considered dangerous to the status quo, or sometimes more than FOO being disapproving, sometimes they were downright emotionally abusive and/or neglectful.

[sanmagic7]

probably, blueberry.  that was monstrous of them to do that to you, by the way.  i'm so very sorry you had to experience that from them.  you didn't deserve it, still don't.  i'm hoping for more lovely conversations to come your way.  love and hugs

[Chart]

 

[Blueberry]

So what changed? What happened? Nothing feels worth it this morning. I just want to go back to bed.

Showering would be a good idea, it would even help my skin not feel so itchy I think. But showering is often difficult. Not sure if that alone makes me want to go back to bed.

It's interesting for me to read this and following posts.

Things haven't felt 'worth it' for a good number of days. I've been bingeing on my duolingo course today after skipping two days in a row. Today is my 73rd day (the skipped days are covered as a streak freeze) and missing 2 days in a row was a first, tho I have skipped the occasional one day.

Today I remembered that of course it is worth it to work on duolingo! 1) For my interest in the language 2) To keep my mind occupied and busy 3) To avoid ruminating 4) To practise keeping going at something - might help in the future keeping going with something else 5) To prove to myself that I am able to keep going at something 6) To show myself that I am able to practise

Today I also remembered how B1, who had too much say and too much emotional power in FOO even when we were children, questioned the value of things I was doing that were not paid work when I was in my mid to late teens. In a lot of people's minds I probably should have been on the student job (career) ladder by that time (there's that "should" again) but I wasn't much and certainly not full time in the holidays because I couldn't. It's interesting for me to realise that on the days I skipped my duolingo, I was remembering those things B1 said AND I was also questioning the use of me spending time on duolingo when I should be trying to earn money again. Whereas that's not at all what I have been planning to do recently, that particular 'should' has just jumped up and banged me on the nose again. Possibly I have had too much contact with FOO in the last month or two, even contact in my mind and thoughts.

I also remember being told at an inpatient trauma place years ago that if I intended to stay in contact with FOO in some form, even VLC I had to really make sure that I was well-grounded socially with trustworthy people where I now live. Whereas I don't feel well-grounded at all with people irl atm. More FOO (tho not really trustworthy) and fewer other people, partially because a lot of them turned out not to be so trustworthy and/or good for me. Of course, that brings up something else that I have been remembering the past few days: FOO either lamenting they didn't get to meet my friends (M), FOO nastily explaining that I didn't have any friends (B1) as a reason for FOO not meeting them, or even just being asked in a worried way if I had friends since I never seemed to talk about them (that's what one GrM did). I think GrM meant well, and I remember saying that I did have friends. It's true I did but I probably didn't talk about them because I wasn't used to doing that in FOO. I can imagine that I might have felt too protective due to the amount of scorn and criticism I heard about any of my life choices, even if GrM was generally supportive.

So, that's a fair bit that has come up recently. Tho there's more along those lines, but I can't extract it from my mind in words yet.