Out of the Storm

Part of final post in previous Journal of 2 pages: I realise now - once again - how important it is for me to do things that are good for me because that helps with resilience which I need in order to keep going with my plans! And I also need in order not to be bowled over by anything from whoever.

So this is my new Journal with an important healing sentence I came up with when I was inpatient: Of course it's worth it! Because huge parts of me say that it's not worth it. Not worth it to do anything, not even worth getting out of bed and getting on with my day. Or not worth doing what I'd planned/envisaged because too small, too minor w/o remembering that when that small thing is accomplished, then I can move onto the next. When I don't accomplish that small thing, I don't move onto the next bigger thing either. I just get stuck.

Blueberry, I love this.  Wishing you the best with this great theme for your new journal.

I really like the idea of a theme for the journal and appreciate the one you chose.

Love it!!! When I have the energy perhaps I will start a new journal with a positive reminder in it's title too

Thank you all Bach, rainydiary and Armee  :grouphug:

Looking back over the day, I'm definitely more in the frame of mind: Of course it's worth it!

Got going with various things today, pulled through, set things in motion, got help, took up offers of help, know a bit better what I want going forwards, at least for the moment.  :)      Though I will let the other side of me speak too:  :'( :'(   It can be both: good things and sad, devastating things in one day. Good on the surface of what is happening today but sadness and devastation linked to my past.

It's my other choir practice tonight and I will go. Because of course it's worth it! Yesterday evening at choir practice our director came over and asked if I was OK. I admitted I wasn't but that at least I had come to practice. She had seen I wasn't OK, that's why she asked and then gave me a brief half-hug. It helps me that people see it now (my pain, my sadness, my present difficult life situation with LL etc) and acknowledge it and acknowledge me in all of it. Different from FOO then and now.  :)

ETA:
From yesterday - Considering the current situation, I'm managing extremely well. Ditto today. But it's really good I worked on that in occup. T yesterday otherwise I wouldn't have been aware of it today. Being aware of it helped me believe in myself today, helped me not harangue myself. So important!

Hugs, blueberry! Congrats on the new journal and the positive feelings. That was kind of your choir director to do. You are seen and you are heard.  :applause:

It really does help. For people to see and acknowledge the suffering. Not many are comfortable with that so way to go your choir director! But especially you, Blueberry, for being honest.

Thanks CF and Armee :) :hug: :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on November 02, 2022, 08:09:27 PM
To M and F,

I mentioned in my previous email that I have some major and unavoidable expenses coming up in the next 1-2 years. You haven't responded so it seems you're not interested, but just in case you were, these expenses are coming NOW unexpectedly early. So if you actually do care about me as you profess to, it would be a really good time to respond to those questions I sent you and to start sending money again. Also to send the lump sum. I don't need to invest it, I will be living off it.

My impression is unfortunately that you don't really care. After all, you, M, mentioned you're putting money aside for grandchildren's university fees. What the actual...? That's more important to you than me having a roof over my head??

If you EVER want any form of contact with me again then it is high time you responded to this email and the previous one (which I also printed out and sent as a letter). You also need to treat me better e.g. by treating me equal to B1 and B2. That includes notifying me directly of important matters rather than via B1 and/or B2 because it's 'too much bother'. 

If you do not at least acknowledge receipt of this email and my email from ... by Nov. 15th and respond to them both by Nov. 30th, then that's it. I'm cutting off contact with you both and unlike previous times, I won't be going back on my decision. I don't want any contact with people who treat me as badly as you do. None at all. To recap: if you want to retain me as a daughter in more than name only, then you'd better act fast.

I will inform B1 and B2.

Bringing this forward from approx 2 months ago and bringing it over from Recovery Letters.
I didn't send it. Though I might have done.

Now I have been informed of things by B1 and B2. They are men but they weren't mansplaining, they were narcsplaining, a word coined by a (possibly previous) mbr on here, but in reply to one of my FOO posts. Basically with no idea how badly my parents have been treating me within the past few years, especially deceptive behaviour, like not answering my questions, lying, prevaricating etc etc, my sibs are now explaining to me as if I were a 10 yo why money transfers are not dependable and I 'ought to take this into consideration'. My brothers do not mention it, but I know that they must have read a questionnaire I sent to my parents a few months ago, basically demanding answers as in YES or NO. My parents have been messing me around since about 2017 on financial issues. And part of it is this narcsplaining - a refusal to take me seriously (that's how it appears to me). At any rate a refusal to engage in a discussion, reach a conclusion and carry through with it.

My questionnaire was a bit of an explosion, I did write at the top of it, above the actual questions that I was angry. What I wrote does seem to have contributed to the betterment of my financial situation. To get a certain sum of money I was meant to explain how I was going to invest it - now I remember it was that request relayed by B2 to me which finally led to my writing the questionnaire. So I seem since then to have finally got thru their thick skulls with the information that I'm living off that money because I have to rather than because I'm too lazy to invest it. SMH to the degree of which FOO wants to have control over me and control over how I spend my money. Underlying that is their misconception that they still know better than I do what's good for me psychologically-speaking. Whereas they never actually did know! And even if they had had an inkling at some point, how could they possibly know more than me now?!?

I realise that money is a control issue in FOOs like mine but firstly other people on this forum will know that living off disability/welfare is not an easy place to be! Especially when you know it's for life. When I get to that stage, it will be for life, so I'm trying to stay off as long as possible. Secondly atm there are things I still need which cost some money, shall we say. Cost-cutting in these areas is still likely to throw me backwards in recovery. Let's just say MOO to that. I don't want a discussion on this precise point, because in the end only I can decide what's best for me: continued negotiation with deranged FOO. I don't always want to say 'narcs' because that can get prescriptive including prescriptive about how I or anybody should deal with them. Yes, it's difficult, yes I cried today. Well, I think some Little Blueberries cried today, but after writing all this stuff out, I realise that my negotiations have borne fruit :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Not only have I got that 4-figure sum w/o having to detail any investment arrangements, but as I found out today - in a set of payments due to continue regularily to all three of us adult kids, I am going to receive a higher amount than both sibs. This additional amount is substantial for me, sort of thing that could cover phone, Internet and electricity every month.

Now I've become aware of my Journal title again: Of course it's worth it! It's worth fighting for, it was worth fighting for. Here's the thing for me, not necessarily for anybody else on here with their FOOs, I seem to want to fight this. I want to finally be heard in FOO. And although more or less everybody on here and on OOTF will say or have already written to me, possibly not in so many words: forget it, they won't hear you, it's nottrue in my case. I have been heard despite the fact that my questionnaire was undoubtedly perceived to be 'rude'. But it got through to them. And here's the other thing: I used the medium I can work in rather than what my parents stipulate: 'why can't we discuss all this on the phone?' they'd whine in their emails 'it would be so much easier'. For them that is. But I never allowed it a) because No Phone Calls is one of my boundaries   and b) because I wanted a written record of what was discussed and decided. I have this written record. And I got through to them in writing with my questionnaire. Another win for me!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Apologies very long post, but writing it out brought a lot of clarity.  :)

Well done, Blueberry, for getting through to them on your terms.  :cheer: :hug:

It's almost time to get up and I haven't even been to bed yet ;D so just briefly: I've sent an email to both sibs and I have really let rip about our parents' treatment of me especially about finances, but mixed up with that is also the sibs' treatment of me. I didn't write "if our parents ever want contact with me..." as I did in the Recovery Letter I copied over here, I didn't need to spell that out.

It was so worth it - however my sibs react - even if they completely cut contact and refuse to send any more money. They now have power of attorney over all our parents' affairs, as they informed me a few days ago, so they could decide to cut me off. On their head be it. I am just so glad I finally got this crapola down on paper (well, email) instead of having it festering in me, wanting to say it but being too worried to, having my Little Blueberries being too frightened. They're not frightened of any concrete consequences in the here and now since they don't have any real concept of money, they're frightened of a different type of repercussion like emotional/psychological abuse, gaslighting. They don't understand those big words either so not triggered while I write this.

For me and my bravery and for Little Blueberries

Hey  :grouphug:

This is amazing. You have little blueberries.  :grouphug: you're acknowledging them. That's huge isn't it?

Hi Blueberry,
I think you are brave to have written the e-mails and communicated with your siblings, and I second the  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: to you and your Little Blueberries.  I hope that your siblings will take account and listen of the things you communicated to them. 

Hope  :)

Thank you all Snowdrop, Armee and Hope :)  :grouphug:

It was worth sending that email to my sibs! It stirred up my energy in a good way so that I had trouble falling asleep last night lol. Contrary to previous occasions after writing and sending that kind of missive, I don't feel fear in my gut or anywhere else. No feeling ashamed or as if I've done something wrong. Big progress :cheer:

Well, I'm very tired so that's it for now.

BB, I'm glad that sending the message was supportive to you.  I hope you have found some rest.

That's amazing Blueberry that you were able to send that without big backlash like fear.  :cheer:

And it continued. When it started actually raining in a more serious way in my bedroom this morning, I sent my sibs an email entitled Emergency and passing on some home truths of what my poverty means. One phoned back and we had a long talk. There was a little gaslighting going on, a little explaining what xy had meant or been, but I didn't accept that. End result: way more financial help coming from FOO, regularly, and a some sort of 'suretyship' - could that be right in English, idk, so that an LL will accept me despite my feeble income.

After the phone call, the rain got even worse. 5 friends came at the drop of a hat to help me clear my bedroom of almost everything, just covering up a few pieces of larger furniture. Everything cleared has gone back down to my office lol, cuz where else can I put it?? But actually LL okayed that. I've just sent him an earful via email, so maybe actually an eyeful instead. I am really angry. His treatment of me is not acceptable. I have stipulated what he needs to do ASAP. So long as he fails do those things, my possessions are staying in the office and the builders can't start knocking walls down there, which they were supposedly planning soon.

So for me and my little Blueberries  :fireworks: :fireworks: :yourock: :waveline:

;D ;D ;D

It's hard to feel that things are worth it today. I did take at least one concrete step that direction though with the tomato soup (on 3 Good Things Today). I've been thinking more about contact with sibs last weekend and in general. It's all so convoluted I can't write much down if any.

I was watching more videos by Patrick Teahan yesterday. Helpful. One or two on siblings in dysfunctional families, sibs acting as flying monkeys. Triangulation. On the triangle he had a perpetrator and rescuer in addition to the victim. B1 is a perpetrator but also the rescuer I have to go to e.g. for money. Then lo and behold Teahan said that perpetrator and rescuer can be the same person.

I got an email today from a vague friend willing to come by and take a bunch of photos of things of mine so I can put them on the Internet classifieds. I asked via email a few days ago. So that feels good. Sense of agency returns, at least a bit. Also reality that things are moving forwards again a little because once these things are in the Classifieds, I may sell them, 1) creating space / fewer things before the move and 2) earning a little money. Even if FOO is coming through with money, it's good to feel I'm getting my own money through my own means too. Also usually once I have stuff for sale on the Classifieds, I then feel a willingness to let other things go as well, whether total discard, give away or Classifieds.

Something I did a few days ago which feels really good is - I took all food out of my store cupboards that I'd like to use up before move. Most fits in a shoe box, but still good to consume stuff so the fewer loose ends the better so to speak. A friend brought me a bunch of boxes a few days ago, especially good for books, but I haven't started packing them yet. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm thinking back to phone call with B1 last week. How easy it was to get reeled in again, to just accept the way he talks. He's really quite callous to what I suffer at the hands of FOO including himself. You have to let us know if you need help, he opined. I did at Horrendous FOO Occasion #2 (not that I called it that), I managed to get out, while crying. He seemed oblivious to me crying down the phone and merely said that they (he and other B) wouldn't necessarily help me, that would still be their decision to make. But I had to ask. It took me a few days to realise how callous his stance remains on that awful occasion.

Well, I managed to write more than I'd thought.

 :hug:

Thank you Armee  :hug:

________________

LL is behaving like a complete and utter !%!§/! atm. Lies and slander.

I get to see an apartment tomorrow. Unfortunately I'm not really prepared for it. Just ordered a particular document I need and it won't come till Thurs.

However I go back to the sentence I came up with in occup. T last week: Considering what's all going on, I'm managing extremely well. I will get my documents together and I will find a place. Probably not as quickly as LL would like, but that's his problem!

I just tried to pack some books in boxes, but I didn't manage. Didn't manage to even really start in fact :fallingbricks:  And I'd thought books would be easy. I guess not. Tomorrow's another day.

Sometimes easy stuff isn't easy.  :grouphug:

I replied to this a few days ago and it got deleted/lost thru IT work. Let's see: I realised due to Armee's comment that my attitude had been something like I should be able to do stuff like whatever-it-was easily. But 'should' isn't good for me. So that's all OK. Now this idea is helping me because I should be doing all sorts of stuff rn but am just roaming around the Internet.

As of this afternoon I have a new apt with spoken confirmation anyway. sign rental agreement on Monday. I thought I'd be raring to get going doing all sorts from continuing clear out to doing laundry to cleaning out Furbabies' massive accommodation but no I'm doing zero of 'importance'. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. During the day time from 7:30am till 4:30pm, the builders are a floor down and working with something that sounds like a pneumatic drill. Maybe it is? It's very loud anyway. I still feel shaky inside. Daytime I can do round about zero because of noise level. Am semi-surprised furbabies haven't had heart attack, the poor little things. Their ears are way more sensitive than mine.  Anyway, I'll now go and get on with stuff.

Best wishes preparing for a new apartment.

 :grouphug:

Thank you rainy and Armee :hug: :hug:

It seems a lot of people or at least posters on the forum are having a tough time rn. I'm telling myself that there were times in the past when things were a lot worse for me than they are rn, but of course that isn't helping because that comes out like 'should'. I need to find a particular piece of paper signed by previous LL which is unfortunately not in the file it belongs in.

My apt looks as if a whirlwind went through, but there's nothing for me to do beyond 1) keep procrastinating or 2) start looking. Obviously 2) would be more beneficial. And to go back to the title of this Journal Of Course It's Worth It! a) I might even find that particular piece of paper     b) even if I don't, I'll find other papers to file properly or throw out. Every little thing thrown out is one less thing to pack and move. Every paper filed is one less lying around somewhere to be lost in the move or filed after move.

I was able to give away a few small things this morning, so that is less to pack too.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 29, 2023, 01:38:47 PM

It seems a lot of people or at least posters on the forum are having a tough time rn. I'm telling myself that there were times in the past when things were a lot worse for me than they are rn, but of course that isn't helping because that comes out like 'should'.

It comes out as a 'should' to you....but to me it sounds like nothing but progress and something to celebrate!

You confronted your FOO and stood up for yourself. In the past, that would have really put you back, right? Plus with the landlord and apartment stuff? Those are hard things to manage! So in my book outside looking in....you are functioning well all things considered. It's not "you SHOULD be able to do more" it's "you ARE doing more." And I may be misremembering things but part of the reason your apartment looks like a whirlwind went through is because you had to quickly pull all your stuff from the office into your apartment because of building leaks? That part is not your fault.

I hope that isn't invalidating or lecturing. If you are struggling hard and need validation for that, you definitely deserve that too! CPTSD and dissociation are hard. Even when things are going well they are hard.  :grouphug:

I used to be able to do more too because I ran right over myself and ignored all the warning signs that things were not OK. So even though things used to be worse for me and I functioned "better" than I do now when things are objectively better....well I'm just paying the price now for what I did to myself in the past. We're both lucky we have a chance to slow down and repair the damage.  :grouphug:

There are no shoulds here from me. What you are going through is hard and even though you are struggling to manage the things that need to be done for the move, that is very understandable in the world of CPTSD and dissociation. Slower is faster.

Thank you Armee! You are so right! Your words remind me of what I came up with in occupational therapy a couple of weeks ago: Considering all what is going on, I am doing extremely well  :cheer:

I don't read your comments as being lecturing or invalidating.

HaHa, no, it's even worse than you remembered. I'd just moved all my office stuff up into my apt because I gave up the office. Then there were LL/building site-caused leaks in my bedroom which meant I had to move a whole lot of stuff downstairs to my office again to get it out of the wet. Due to the crazy lay-out of my apt, taking stuff out of my bedroom involves going thru the living-room, so we moved some stuff out of living-room as well to make moving out of bedroom easier - chaos for me. I'm looking forward to living in an apartment where there's a little hallway leading to all rooms.

There are new and growing building site problems. And uncertainties too. Although tenant's association basically wrote "don't you dare do anything to our client's possessions in the office, since it's on you that her stuff is down there" to LL, Idk if LL and builders will actually stick to that till I move out in about 5 weeks. Though tenant's assoc-n think that once LL knows I have a new rental agreement, he'll back down and stop behaving like a  &$!!. I get that new rental agreement tomorrow. Also I can't really settle down till I get it.

You're also right that I need to remember the effect that whereever I am exactly on the dissociation spectrum is not helping putting it mildly.

The 'should' going on in my head and mostly feelings is something like 'you're not in such a bad place as you used to be, so you should be able to get going on your stuff today'. That's not too helpful. But you helped me see it differently Armee, so thank you.

Yes, you're also right about us being lucky to be able to slow down and repair damage :hug:

I actually did get on with some document filing and throwing out too. One less little pile on the floor. Still haven't found the documents I really need - LL is claiming I didn't pay something which his predecessor finally agreed I didn't need to pay and signed that piece of paper. It was just before I went inpatient last year which - along with my general chaos re: papers - will explain why I can't find it.

Somebody I know with adult-diagnosed ADD said this kind of inability to keep papers sorted is part of ADD. Maybe it is. Or maybe it's just my particular brand of cptsd combined with dissociation.

I managed to wash half my dirty dishes this evening, which was quite an accomplishment. I didn't have any clean pots to cook in or cutlery or kitchen knives or mugs before I started and now I have all of those. I got stuck part way through with idk some form of stuckness lol I guess, but I did pull through. Of course it's worth it to push through if I can! I also remembered this evening that of course it's worth it to keep going sorting through and throwing out papers! So worth it to not end up opening up boxes after my move and wondering why I kept those papers and having to sort thru them after move. But otoh also accept my own limitations in sorting or generally getting on with things atm.

A couple of hours ago I realised I have anxiety due to signing rental agreement tomorrow. Part of that is down to: I won't be 100% certain till it's signed. Part of it I can't figure out, not that I've tried to much. The 'I don't like feeling emotions' / 'I don't like digging deep on my own' remain among my standard dislikes, stubborness even. But the stubborness I've just realised is an inn. Child and undoubtedly she has her reasons to feel stubborn about that.

Now that I've read and signed rental agreement I have some more anxiety! :thumbdown: So I guess I need to do some healing work on anxiety.

Now I've discovered there are 2 important documents I need to look for :doh: :fallingbricks:  Both connected to present place rather than new one.

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug, and say that it's a big thing that you've signed that form.  I hope that you are able to find those documents you need.  Wishing you the best also with healing work on the anxiety side of things, but I also think it's a normal feeling to have in such circumstances. 

:hug:
Hope  :)

I have trouble with documents too. That is a possible problem for me with the divorce.

Even for people without PTSD, moving is really high on the stress scale. My Littles and I are very anxious about a move in the future. In preparation for a future move, I have had "clean one shelf in linen closet" on my list for months. There's so much attached to it, I just end up frozen or calming myself with T.V.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 23, 2023, 03:41:00 PM
Considering what's all going on, I'm managing extremely well.

:yeahthat:

Moving is big in any situation. Here's hoping you find the docs and the rest goes smoothly for you. Gentle hugs for you.

Quote from: Not Alone on January 30, 2023, 07:14:31 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on January 23, 2023, 03:41:00 PM
Considering what's all going on, I'm managing extremely well.

:yeahthat:

It's good for me to keep being reminded of this and to keep seeing it. My occup. T said similar this morning too.

Quote from: Not Alone on January 30, 2023, 07:14:31 PM
I have trouble with documents too. That is a possible problem for me with the divorce.

Even for people without PTSD, moving is really high on the stress scale. My Littles and I are very anxious about a move in the future. In preparation for a future move, I have had "clean one shelf in linen closet" on my list for months. There's so much attached to it, I just end up frozen or calming myself with T.V.

I'm sorry you have trouble with documents too but once again that makes me feel better in a way because I'm not the only one on here with the problem, nor the only one who ends up frozen or calming myself with any number of different methods including roaming around the internet which is possibly similar to watching TV. I so get having one thing on a list for aaaages and not doing it. Not being able to do it probably.

Some things I am looking forward to in my new apartment
1) Clean windows with unobstructed view (no scaffolding or tarpaulin)
2) Less clutter (because bit by bit I am getting rid of some)
3) Better room layout and more but smaller rooms
4) Warm rooms
5) Being able to shower and wash hair at home again!
6) Never having to deal with current LL again!
7) Never having to deal with business neighbour again
8 ) No longer tracking so much dust and dirt around and having it come under my door etc.
9) Knowing roughly what's going on in bldg from day to day

I made a mistake on Monday. I can feel reactions in my gut - fear, anxiety - but I'm not slamming myself over it totally, which means ICr is no longer as virulent as in former times. I think the mistake I made is connected to my own special brand of cptsd or rather things that went on in childhood. The mistake: I let LL know that I have a new apartment and when I'm moving out. :doh: :spooked: The lawyer at tenant's rights said that wasn't the best idea putting it mildly when they (tenant's rights) are still in the middle of negotiating with LL. Oops. The lawyer was obviously a little frustrated with me but then when I apologised at the end she said it was OK and mentioned what white lies she was going to tell LL combined with BB made a mistake and got confused.

So what's that all connected to from my childhood? Feeling interrogated by M; not knowing what to say in general - not knowing when to tell the truth and when not. Theoretically, one should tell the truth but sometimes as in this case it's better to keep quiet and that's just something I have a lot of difficulty judging; feeling not in control of my own information - somebody else will spill the beans if I don't; some nebulous feelings I can't put my finger on; memories of being ridiculed and verbally harrassed by FOO mbrs for saying what I was taught to say by FOO mbrs but it then being 'wrong' in the situation - so basically being ridiculed for not being privy to FOO mbrs' thoughts and feelings in the particular situation; feeling somehow safer when I'm no longer sitting on the information (that is definitely a younger Blueberry).

That's a whole lot of memory and feelings connected to trying to know what to say and when.

I LOVE your list of things that you are looking forward to in your new apartment. Hope!

Hey Blueberry!  Definitely resonate with those feelings of not knowing what to say... I've always hated dealing with people who rely on the 'absence of information' to do their jobs (i.e. lawyers, upper management, etc), and always feel like I'm not being true to myself when I find myself in that situation. 

I hope everything works out with the new apartment!

Quote from: Not Alone on February 01, 2023, 03:35:04 AM
That's a whole lot of memory and feelings connected to trying to know what to say and when.

I LOVE your list of things that you are looking forward to in your new apartment. Hope!

Thank you so much for your validation, notalone. As soon as I read your thought about that being a lot of memory and feelings connected, that really helped me shut up my ICr :thumbup:  But also your comment on my list of things to look forward to is helping me concentrate on that too.  :)  :hug:

Thanks also CrackedIce on writing that you can resonate.

_________________________

I found those 2 documents last night in the middle of the night!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I am hanging on atm but sometimes it feels like barely. Not SI or anything like that, but hanging on in the sense of not collapsing. I keep forgetting things and losing things, including things I've noted for myself, some of those in obvious places like a special notebook I have or in my appointment diary, but then I temporarily lose the special notebook or appointment diary altho both stand out visually :stars:  My ICr is keeping silent on all of that which is fine by me. I know this kind of scatter-brain stuff is either cptsd-related or possibly related to that dissociative stuff. The dissociative stuff is what they thought when I was inpatient last year.

Normally it would be helpful to write down what I need to do by when and what I plan for a particular day, but I can't do anything like that atm. I'm reminding myself rn about the image I had in my head - I think back in December - about me swinging from rung to rung on that playground equipment https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14640.msg126482#msg126482  The image meant that I'm staying up, I'm NOT collapsing and for me also infers that however I'm managing, I am managing so I don't need to do additional tasks in order to keep managing and/or it's probably even inadvisable to do so. That's a helpful conclusion for me to make.

I am thinking of you and appreciate the thought that sometimes we are getting by even if it is looking different at the moment.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 01, 2023, 12:55:16 AM
Some things I am looking forward to in my new apartment
1) Clean windows with unobstructed view (no scaffolding or tarpaulin)
2) Less clutter (because bit by bit I am getting rid of some)
3) Better room layout and more but smaller rooms
4) Warm rooms
5) Being able to shower and wash hair at home again!
6) Never having to deal with current LL again!
7) Never having to deal with business neighbour again
8 ) No longer tracking so much dust and dirt around and having it come under my door etc.
9) Knowing roughly what's going on in bldg from day to day

I was at the new apartment this morning measuring and I now feel sad for reasons I'll go into lower down in post. For now, I'm concentrating on what I wrote I was looking forward to: especially 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8!

Quote from: Blueberry on February 01, 2023, 12:55:16 AM
I made a mistake on Monday. I can feel reactions in my gut - fear, anxiety - but I'm not slamming myself over it totally, which means ICr is no longer as virulent as in former times. I think the mistake I made is connected to my own special brand of cptsd or rather things that went on in childhood. The mistake: I let LL know that I have a new apartment and when I'm moving out. :doh: :spooked: The lawyer at tenant's rights said that wasn't the best idea putting it mildly when they (tenant's rights) are still in the middle of negotiating with LL. Oops. The lawyer was obviously a little frustrated with me but then when I apologised at the end she said it was OK and mentioned what white lies she was going to tell LL combined with BB made a mistake and got confused.

Today I remembered why I thought it was so important to tell LL: Tenant's Rights had said they thought LL would stop with his bullying etc. when he knew that I have a new apartment and when I was moving out. In my mind that was of prime importance. Considering that LL's behaviour comes across as threatening and is triggering, it's no surprise to me, that I went ahead and told him.

OK, other than knowing what to tell people or not, another unrelated thing I have trouble with is remembering what rooms look like, what their approximate dimension is and imagining what of my furniture is going to fit.  :'(  Now I know I'm going to have to do a much bigger clear-out than I originally thought, including getting rid of furniture I really wanted to keep, some of it custom-made like my bed. I've had the bed for over 10 years but I would have liked to keep it longer. I know a carpenter who would've lowered it for me (it's a loft bed) but it's also too wide for the apt I'm moving into (my mattress is narrower than the one I had when I ordered the bed). I feel very sad :'( or maybe those are younger Blueberries, idk. I have other furniture I inherited which is very well made, much better made than modern stuff, where the back falls out or the shelves come unstuck etc but I won't be able to keep all of it.

I think I'm also going to have to sell Furbabies' massive accommodation and get them the biggest size cage available, but nonetheless a cage.

Need to get on with other stuff now.

 :hug:

Aw Blueberry. I'm sorry. I feel sad and disappointed just reading this!

Your list of positives is really important, you are right and those are really great things about this new apartment worth looking forward to! Happy and sad are both good emotions to feel right now.

Perhaps finding a really good home for your possessions that won't fit will help. Like someone you feel good about having them.

(Sometimes I over-do it when I'm in an EF too,  I'm not sure if this happens for you too...like if I feel worthless I will not just clean something but will clean everything including dumb stuff like the grease trap above the stove and the toilet, at like 2am....I'd hate for the same thing to happen to you in getting rid of things that make you happy. That may not be a concern with you, but in your shoes I might accidentally overpurge my belongings in a panic.)

so glad to hear you're getting out from under LL's threatening demeanor, blueberry.  loved your list.  i think i would've told LL also, given the info that tenants' rights gave you. it made sense to me to do so. i hope LL leaves you in peace and you can make your move as painlessly as possible.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you for your encouraging words, rainy.

Thank you for validation, commiseration and really getting it, Armee.  :hug:  I could do overpurge or more like wrong-purge either in a kind of panic OR when trying to think totally logically and overhearing/overlooking a younger Part who really needs to keep xyz. A long, long time ago I donated a wild orchid and butterfly jigsaw puzzle I'd had as a child, thinking - 'Come on you don't need this anymore!' No work I subsequently did with the younger Part helped ease the sadness or pain of that Part. Recently there was a different flower and butterfly puzzle as a give-away locally. Since I collected that (before a move when I'm supposed to be clearing stuff out!) the younger Part feels better, the pain has been eased. Contrary to what I'd originally thought, it was more about the butterflies than the flowers.

Thanks san for love and hugs. Back atcha :hug:  You have lots of experience with moves and presumably with purges, like when you left Mex. by car. Not that comparing is really helpful, but I'm trying to keep in mind that for people like myself who hang onto a lot of stuff, there is possibly never an easy time to do a purge. But it is an opportunity to weigh things up and try to set goals and plans going forward as well as say 'goodbye' to plans I had in present place but didn't accomplish. An opportunity to start again with a 'clean slate'. Also thank you for understanding why I told LL based on the info I had from tenant's rights.

I have other thoughts and feelings but can't write them down as yet - sadness, disappointment and things like that about move.

So going back to title of my Journal: Of course it's worth it!
What did I do today which was difficult, but in the end worth it? I emailed the people I was meant to be doing a rehearsal with about 45 minutes into said rehearsal to say my legs gave out under me (more figuratively than literally) and I couldn't possibly make it. - Worth doing because I feel less bad about leaving them in the lurch; they came up with ideas to help me lessen the load of the rehearsal and performance and gave me time to think about whether I maybe could manage after all. But no ill feelings if I don't. 

I cancelled my teaching to have a nap and my nap went on for approx 4 hours - I really needed it, it even helped relieve some of the sadness. So that was worth it instead of escaping into something or other like eating or roaming around Internet.

I went out at 10pm (after second lie-down) and brought my bike back in after all. I'll feel better knowing it's safer in the building overnight than outside as vandals' target. (I always get up earlier than I normally would Mon-Fri to put my bike outside, locked to a public bike stand, so that it's not in the builders' way).

I also decided an hour or so ago that now would be a good time to spend money on basic self-care e.g. go out to eat soup at a local soup&salad cafeteria so that I'm eating warm or hot things. And also take the bus to the other side of town (uphill both ways on a bike) to go to a church's Hot Lunch for Everybody. It always runs Jan-Feb for about 4 weeks, daily. This is the first year I've been - other years I felt too exhausted or too busy or something. Been twice so far, when I was in that part of town anyway and it did me good. They always look for helpers and this is the first year where I was able to say to myself: just go and eat! Don't even think about volunteering - that would be a 'should' thing. No, life is difficult atm, so accept the help you can get! And pay the basic price, don't think you can ('should be able to') afford to pay a donation on top because of FOO money.

I sat and observed my younger furbaby for a while. A worthwhile thing to do partially because it makes him happy and partially because I won't have this massive and wonderful and plexiglas surrounded accommodation much longer. Make use of it while I have it!

I finally went over to a friend's and had a shower :cheer: That was so worth it!

Threw a few things out, also worth it.

So glad you could do some self-care, Blueberry.  Sounds like things will improve soon, I hope. gentle hugs if you want them!

Thank you CF! Hugs are always appreciated :hug:

I left the house today and went for a walk in the sun :sunny:

I didn't manage to go to occup. T though.

I donated some items somewhere.

The tarpaulins were removed from my windows so I have daylight again!

It's quieter now in the bldg than it was before I  went for my walk.

Hi Blueberry,
I am glad that the sun shone.  I hope that it shines again today and that your day is a good one with some nice moments in it.   :hug:

It's good that you have daylight again - now the tarpaulins are removed from your windows.

Sending you some hugs  :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

I'm sad that you will need to get rid of your bed and other things.

I'm warming to the idea of putting some items of furniture in storage until I know whether I'm definitely staying in the new apartment or not.

I'm also going to see whether the carpenter who is going to take my bed apart and lower it, whether he couldn't make it narrower as well. Then it would fit in my new apartment.

I've been without phone and internet for a few days - the builders cut through the line and claimed they didn't. But they did. It got repaired this morning. 

This coming week I can sleep at friends' because they'll be away most of the week. So I'll get to sleep in a bed and have a shower without going somewhere else. I'll probably come up out of my depression a bit. I hope so anyway.

A friend dropped by to check on me yesterday since I hadn't answered the phone or any emails. It's good to know friends care.

Thank goodness they repaired that! Glad to hear you have a friend's place you can use. That's very kind of them. I think putting the items in storage is very wise. If you know you're staying, you can take your time getting them out. If you're not staying, they're safe.

Thank you CF :)

There are so many things I could / should be doing, but am not. Oh there's that 'should' again. I am back at home to do things though. Rather than being at friend's place. I was there last night. I hardly slept, idk what's wrong. Strange place I suppose. Being looked after by somebody almost 20 years my senior. Bed made up in advance, meal made.

The only useful thing I've done since coming home is telling the builders they cut my telephone connection, oh yes, and I also brought some dry washing up from my office. The only joyful thing: greeted my furbabies and told them how lovely they are.

These past few days it's been hard to believe the title of my Journal.

 :hug:

It's a hard stretch and you are in a really unsettled place right now, about to move but unsure if it is long term.

I like your plan to see if someone can narrow your bed and if not to move it and other things into storage.

Gentle hugs, Blueberry

Thank you Armee  :hug:

I have now enquired some about storage.

Since sleeping at a friend's and being looked after by her too, e.g. she prepares all meals and even sets the breakfast table. Yesterday evening after dinner she asked me if I wanted some tea which reminded me that I needed a hot drink, otherwise I wouldn't have remembered somehow... Anyway since sleeping and eating at this friend's and also enjoying her company and not feeling 'in the way', I can feel my energy and general wherewithal increasing again.

Unfortunately I go through phases of needing to be looked after because I just can't manage on my own. That's part of why I end up inpatient from time to time. I'm lucky, very lucky, that the country I live in covers inpatient stays. Based on some things that were not quite clear to me this morning for brief flashes of time, the OSDD is showing itself. Not so surprising really considering how difficult things have been.

I'm now able to think "Of course it's worth it!" :) to myself and smile.

It may be difficult, it may be tiring, I do still have to pace myself a lot and Idk that I can think "Of course it's worth it!" about every last little thing or big thing, but at least I can say "Of course it's worth it!" in general. That is a contrasting voice to the old one that plagued me for years and said "You might as well give up", meaning SI. Not that I would have done it, but having that voice in me wasn't too pleasant putting it mildly. So now being able to feel the contrast is a tangible step forwards! :cheer:

Actually come to think of it, not just a tangible step, but really big progress. Big step. In fact, this is huge.

- - - - - - -  - - -  - - - -  -

It would be nice to leave that all on its own for the day. Really savour it and ignore any problems, but my life doesn't work that way. Having being helped back on my feet - though I am still shaky e.g. the OSDD or whatever it's called is still noticeable - I'm getting better at looking after my pets. No longer just tossing the food in, adding more hay and trying and failing to come up with the energy to clean out their massive accommodation. The day before yesterday I was able to pick the elderly one up and quickly check how she's doing. Not well, lost a lot of weight. She bit me too in passing which is a bad sign. Yesterday I was able to pick her up again, put ointment on her sore feet, give her some painkiller and feed her a little bit by hand, just offering her tiny little bits and/or dry food which you're not supposed to give them but she wanted it, so I'm fine with that - she needs calories. Today I was able to try her with little bits of food again, give her medicine, ointment on her feet and decide: she needs to see a vet. So phoned for an appointment, knowing that leads to something somewhat strenuous - I'll have to go to the vet's by public transport and all-in-all that takes about an hour one-way door-to-door. Needless to say I've got an appt at 8:30am which isn't good for this late-night owl. It was the only time they could fit me in.

I also cleaned out their top level so everything's nice and dry up there. No longer have the wherewithal for their bottom level. I think it's likely that whatever my elderly pet has is too late to cure or even alleviate, it's likely she's going to have to be put to sleep. Maybe not - she did trot around a little bit today instead of just sitting with her nose in the corner. She might rally but I'm getting geared up to maybe having to let her go  :'( :'(

Whether I have to let her go or not, she too is a victim of LL and shenanigans and all what the renovation in this bldg entails - the cold, the noise, lack of daylight for weeks, the effect everything has had on me e.g. exhaustion and depression. She too is a victim of FOO and their shenanigans and the stress that causes and all what I have to deal with on account of cptsd, which sometimes leaves me with no energy to look after my pets properly. That's a realisation today. Usually I take very good care, but sometimes there are spells where I can't function, can hardly get out of bed far less check out my pets properly. They're a kind of little animal who don't tend to tell you that something's wrong. Pet Parent has to notice.

 :hug:

I'm so sad with you that your furbabies are suffering from the abuse/conditions of LL and FOO. That will be a tough appointment to get to, but I'm confident you'll manage, and will be able to be kind to yourself after and crash or do whatever you need to recover.

You are so very right what you describe is a huge big step and I'm so proud of you for sticking with it and thru it.  :cheer:  :cheer: :grouphug:

Thank you Armee!

I've been at the vet's and little furbaby had a fair bit of dental work done w/o anaesthesia. Guinea pigs don't have nerves or nerve endings in their teeth so it doesn't hurt but there are other reasons for using anesthetics like tongue potentially getting in the way and things like that. It didn't happen, my little guinea kept nice and still.

Now and in the next days I'm going to be doing a fair bit of feeding by syringe, several times a day. This type of thing is very difficult for me. But I do want to give my little furbaby a chance because she wants to keep going. I just have to show her that she can actually bite and chew and swallow again. Meanwhile I'll be battling with "of course it's worth it!". Not that I think it's not worth it to save her life but... what? M believed it wasn't worth it for such little pets but she didn't ask the pets themselves or look at their will to live. I think she meant their lives weren't worth the effort and money for her, for M. A dog or a horse or something - of course that's worth it! But a little pet :no:  I'm not sure yet why my some part of me (inner organ?) sinks when I think about force-feeding several times a day and night for the next 48 hours... Well, I guess I do know - it's hard going for me even though I want to save my little guinea. Maybe somebody can come and help me. It's hard for me to whole heartedly say about the force-feeding for even the next 24 hours that "Of course it's worth it!" I want to do it but...

It's very hard for me to make the decision that my life - meaning being able to keep going w/o all the triggers that come up when I'm force-feeding or giving medicine etc and may lead to a complete breakdown as has been the case in the past - is more important than my little pet's life. So once again that's an inability to accept myself the way I am, the way I have turned out due to cptsd due to my childhood, due to FOO. "Inability" sounds condemning to me but actually I don't intend to actively condemn myself. In fact I am working on accepting myself and putting the blame where it belongs: on FOO. There's progress going on in me rn. It was very important to write this para. Things have become clearer for me.

Anyway time to go and get on with showing little furbaby she can physically eat again.

Hi Blueberry,  I hope you have a nice day.  I hope your furbaby is doing well. 

 :grouphug:

It is going to be difficult to do this. Words do matter and perhaps correcting in your head the words you use will help? Whenever you think "force feed" think "save her life." I can 100% understand without knowing the specific triggers how and why this would be so triggering and difficult.

I've read that some people are able to willingly switch parts when they have a job they aren't suited to but someone inside can do. I wonder if that's something you'd be able to access in yourself. I'm not sure but I think it'd be important to get permission from all parts though before doing that. I think I unintentionally made that mistake and that's why I was out of it yesterday. But it's just a working theory.

I'm sorry you have to do this. It IS worth it. And if you can't and it risks your wellbeing please -  no shame. Its ok to get help, it's OK to need help.

Thank you Armee. I'll read your post again tomorrow or in the next days because you write things that are important for my progress.

                                *** TW for pet's final trip to Paradise ***

My little guinea hasn't made it. I think now the way things went that she was too weakened before the dental work and then further weakened by the dental work. I don't regret giving her the chance though. I am sad but I accept myself despite not being able to 1) feed her as much and as often as was recommended 2) and ultimately save her life

Late afternoon I went back to the friend I had been staying with and had a shower (first since Sunday, which is actually better than when I was showering at another friend's, but still necessary) and then joined her and her H for a warm evening meal. During that time I could have been attempting to feed my little guinea more, except that my own self-care is important! In fact as soon as I got there, my friend asked me if I wanted to shower right away or after dinner. I said I needed to sit down first. My friend suggested I lie down and rest. I sank onto my bed and went into a brief but fairly deep relaxation. I really needed it. I was exhausted. So it was important to do that. I'm doing better than say last weekend and better than on Mon/Tues/Wed but I'm still not recovered from the latest exhaustion and emotional 'pile-up'. Teetering on the edge so to speak, could easily drop back and/or fall off the edge if I did too much.

Also I think that my little sweetheart was undoubtedly too far gone, too weak to have swallowed much even if I had tried one more time. Easier to know in hindsight. So I'm glad I didn't try to force her that one extra time, I'm glad I was able to let her go, even tho of course it's sad.

I'm so sorry Blueberry, and it's not your fault. There were a lot of stressors for her. Trying to feed her that night likely would have been additional stress. I'm glad you took care of yourself, and sorry you lost her.  :grouphug:

I'm sorry for your loss.

Dear Blueberry,
I am so sorry for the loss of your guinea pig.
:hug:
Hope  :hug:

Armee, Notalone and Hope, thank you all for your kind words! They help.

There are a number of jobs I want to accomplish today but I noticed my heart sinking at the thought. Seems like sinking at the thought of doing it alone, although I do almost everything alone in my own household! I've only just come back from my friends' place (the H was there too) after overnight stay and leisurely breakfast with interesting talk and some laughter too :)  I'm going back later in the day for a late lunch, main meal, hot. I feel very grateful for this help, and for lots of other help coming atm too.

Yesterday I was able to take my second guinea back to the guinea shelter he came from. I had him on loan so to speak so that my old guinea wasn't alone in her final weeks? months? It turned out months in her case. So I've lost a second guinea, but differently because I always knew he'd be going back and of course he's alive and will be adopted out to somebody else. Somebody in my circle of acquaintances drove me and loan guinea and a bunch of provisions I no longer need like hay to the guinea shelter and for that I'm also so grateful. Otherwise it would have been the bus or the cargo bike, both of which would have been strenuous for me. I'm in a much better place than last Sunday but still not a very good place, shall we say. Which shows just how badly I was doing a week ago.

Anyway, both guineas gone. End of an era is on the tip of my tongue altho that's not quite factual, but obviously that's what it feels like. So, a lot of changes going on in my life: move after 16 years and all the sorting out that entails, moving to a different neighbourhood too, on the brink of giving up professional life or at least greatly reducing, my eye out for what else I could maybe do in some far-off future (few years maybe from now) no separate office anymore, friendships lost (i.e. decided against), new ones forming, lots of healing going on -  :cheer: - brings changes too. I've just had to check the dictionary since no word in English in my head for the concept: it's a period of radical change and upheaval. Certainly strenuous but also means forward movement. Losing the guineas is part of the upheaval but will also bring forward movement. I'm glad the old one was spared the stress of moving, too.

This evening Carnival gets really going here, so that's part of why there are things to do today, to prepare myself for 2 days in which I will be partly involved in Carnival.

And yes Of Course It's Worth It! That I can say whole-heartedly about life in general even if not about cleaning, tidying etc.  :)

blueberry, yeah, radical change and upheaval sounds like it hits the nail on the head for you.  it's so much, and so big all at the same time.  very sorry your furbabies are now gone.  r.i.p. i know they've been a big part of your life for quite a while.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs, always. :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on February 19, 2023, 10:32:49 AM
it's a period of radical change and upheaval. Certainly strenuous but also means forward movement.

Supporting you, Blueberry, as you walk through radical changes.

I'm sorry for your double loss. It's a big change even if in a way it makes moving forward less complicated it's still a big change. A big big change.  :grouphug:

Quote from: Armee on February 17, 2023, 04:03:10 PM
Words do matter and perhaps correcting in your head the words you use will help? Whenever you think "force feed" think "save her life." I can 100% understand without knowing the specific triggers how and why this would be so triggering and difficult.

Thank you for both parts of this message. You're so right, words do matter. They have a strong effect on me, so strong in fact that they can be triggering. Here it might have been good for me just to think to myself "I'm helping her eat" or "I'm feeding her with a pipette". The latter is a much more neutral way of describing what I was doing.

Quote from: Armee on February 17, 2023, 04:03:10 PM
I've read that some people are able to willingly switch parts when they have a job they aren't suited to but someone inside can do. I wonder if that's something you'd be able to access in yourself.

That could be something to work towards. I have sometimes accessed a part within myself who took on a specific task but I don't access different parts voluntarily, afaik. It just sort of happens.

Quote from: Armee on February 17, 2023, 04:03:10 PM
I'm sorry you have to do this. It IS worth it. And if you can't and it risks your wellbeing please -  no shame. Its ok to get help, it's OK to need help.

It's helpful that you remind me there's no shame in needing help. M&F seem to feel shame. They always told us if we ever got home from school and nobody was home, we should go to a neighbour's but the only time I actually did that of my own accord, I was scolded for disturbing the neighbour and F went back over to apologise.

I wasn't able to get help. I couldn't think of anybody who could help me that particular evening. One of my no-longer-friends would've been able to but having her helping me wouldn't have been a good move for me. But I now realise it was too late anyway.

*** TW *** Parental Neglect   & pet death


There are reasons why I wasn't able to care for my furbaby properly. The terrible thing is: due to the medical problem I didn't catch onto in time, my little sweetheart basically starved to death. It hit me last night when I was going to sleep how terrible that is. Yes, there is all this FOO stuff behind it, bringing me waves of indescribable exhaustion and other problems e.g. forcing my furbaby to do something feels like violence to me, though I have worked on what's behind that several times in T, it's still not completely healed. But I'm the one responsible for my pets and I'm so so sorry that I was in such bad shape that week and the weeks before that I didn't consciously notice what was going on. I did notice some of the symptoms, especially in the couple of days before her death, but one other symptom a lot earlier.

Multi-generational trauma. I have always said it's fortunate I don't have children myself because I don't want to think what all I would've passed on. And I would have. I have been told in the past e.g. by various staff mbrs in inpatient settings that that's a terrible thing to say about myself, but I think it's just honest. My poor little pet :'( :'( :'(  She depended on me :'(

your little fur baby knows that you loved her.... 

Thank you Larry :'(  That's true, she did. That knowledge brings :'( but it's a relief to feel tears in my eyes.

She's also in heaven now, no more suffering. (I believe pets go to some form of heaven).

I am sorry for the loss of your pet and for the experiences it is pressing against.  I believe you provided your pet the care they needed.  I think your pet is in heaven too.

She did know you loved her. You did your best. She was under a lot of physiological stress that is not yours to own. It may have been the kindest thing in the end that you were not over doing it on medical care. It's not your fault Blueberry. And even if it were, you loved her and did your best. And yes this is a beast of a legacy you carry from FOO. Screw them. Not you.

 :yeahthat:

unfortunately, we can't always catch everything every time.  but she was loved and you gave her that.  sending love and a hug full of compassion to you, blueberry. :hug:

Thank you so much rainy, Armee and san! Your words mean so much to me, I re-read them and it helps.  :grouphug:

 :hug:

Keep having on and rooting for yourself.

Since then I found out an elderly friend died and I now feel very listless. Fortunately a friend is dropping by in half an hour to help with packing, otherwise I won't do it. And then another friend after her.

atm having trouble thinking of why I might want to keep going. But not the first time in my life so don't need to ponder on it. It just is.

Hi Blueberry,
I am sorry to hear of the death of your friend. 

I am glad to hear that you have a friend coming over to help you to pack.  Plus the other friend after that as well. 

I care about you, and I'm glad you're here. 

:hug: 
Hope  :)

I'm so sorry for your loss, Blueberry.  :fallingbricks:

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

Glad you have friends coming over to help you pack.

Thank you everybody :grouphug:  Just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to get things done for move.  It's hard to motivate myself atm.

 :bighug:

Thinking of you as you take a step at a time.

Thank you everybody once more!  :grouphug:  I'm getting a lot of concrete help irl atm. Otherwise I'd probably have given up by now and would be sitting cowering in a corner. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to be persuaded by moving company to do my own packing. It is a ton of work and difficult for me.

Really good job getting help from friends. It is so much work to move especially when you are dealing with extra challenges and stressors. Ugh I wish they hadn't pushed you into packing on your own too! Keep going, though. It will be worth it to be away from LL and that stress.

When is moving day?

Lots of hugs and love and virtual support until then.  :grouphug:

Quote from: Armee on March 03, 2023, 02:09:04 PM
It is so much work to move especially when you are dealing with extra challenges and stressors.

:yeahthat: :yeahthat:

Makes sense when I think about it. I just have to go back to the knowledge that my inability to work more than 3 hours per day consistently extends to any kind of work, not just professional work.

Moving day is tomorrow, Monday that is.

Thank you for the love and support, Armee! :hug: :grouphug:

I might read and respond to a few posts now but then I'll be off the forum for a few days anyway.

Oh my gosh!!!! Good luck! My fingers are crossed that you feel happy and safe in your new place. If not that's OK, too, to mourn what you lost. It will be nice though to not have the stress of moving and paring down hanging over you.

Best wishes with moving.

Thinking of you and these big changes.

Gentle hugs and wishing you plenty of energy.  Good luck and may the move go smoothly. :)

Thank you everybody :hug:  All things considered, the move went well. A bit of overenthusiasm on the movers' front especially over-ringing and then breaking doorbell which led to other glitches especially on the telecommunication front. I've got phone and Internet back only today.

I'm enjoying setting up my new place bit by bit. The more time I spend here, the more potential I see here. It's a good place! I did a good job persuading LL to take me rather than someone else :applause:  but I'm lucky to have got the place, lucky my predecessor moved out when she did, lucky an LL from a few years back is vaguely related to new LL and was willing to recommend me :)

Lots to do but just :heythere:  I'll be back on more in a few days or whenever it is, I'm better settled.

Best wishes settling in.

Thank you rainy :)

Back to my usual yesterday - read all day in bed and didn't leave the house all day or the apartment for that matter. Well, sunday is a day of rest. otoh I had intended to a) move plants from old place over to a friend's to keep till I can plant in new garden and b) go to church in evening and sing with choir.

Gardening and singing both do me good...

I then set my alarm for this morning 6am or something to go over to old place and rescue my plants before builders arrive as they may well toss them in their skip and that would be rather a waste of all my efforts to dig the stuff up. But it's 10am and I haven't been over.

But I did get a call from the farm. Someone's going to come over and drive me and the plants (what's left of them) to the friend's (who they know too).

When I was digging up plants on Saturday, I was really enjoying myself. Pottering around in my garden - that's so good for my mental health, so it's great I got a new place with a garden I can work in!

Yesterday when I got to my old place I discovered that nobody had thrown out any of my plants :)
I had time to dig out a few more and then took them to the temporary garden where they can all stay a good few weeks till I sort out where to put them in new garden.

Yesterday I felt so much gratitude about all the help I've been given during the run up to my move, during move and afterwards. Fortunately it's easier for me to express gratitude than it used to be, so e.g. I was able to tell the elderly gardener, who helped me set up a temporary bed in his garden and who also pruned back roots and plant tops where necessary, how grateful I was.

I found a piece of paper signed by ex-LL and accomplice who tried to claim a 4-figure sum off me but the paper proves I don't owe it! Just have to go through with another appt this evening at tenant's rights and hope that's more or less the end of things.

Today at T, I voluntarily brought up a memory about eating and my homework is to feel before, after or during eating. I've spent the day avoiding feeling and avoiding eating. Also avoiding getting on with anything else. I brought up that possibility in T and it's all OK. I don't have to feel before eating or any other time, that's just an option.

I checked over here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11152.45 where I have a number of posts, at least one where I did manage to feel. But generally same old, same old: I don't want to feel.

'It' doesn't feel worth it today, just want to curl up in the warmth somewhere.

 :hug:

It's OK to not feel today.

Thank you Armee, I guess you're right. Thank you for reminding me. :hug:

Another day of not feeling that "of course it's worth it!" And with that, simply not getting up to do those things I most definitely need to do. I was thinking earlier of "Fake it till you make it" but merely thinking doesn't get things moving. I did eventually get myself something semi-healthy to eat because I was physically feeling hunger. That is a large part of my voluntary homework / task from T - to feel physically, so not just to feel my emotions, but physical sensations too. When am I hungry? When am I no longer hungry? What does that feel like? i.e. how do I know I'm no longer hungry? Pretty basic questions but I've been cut off from my body for a long time. How did I know I was no longer hungry today? Absence of hunger pangs. I know T would ask at some time tho maybe not right away what I felt instead. That's something I don't know atm. But also something to watch out for next time.

He also said this task of mine, it can be playful. It most certainly does not have to be all the time and not like ticking a list off every day. He's often tried to get me to look at things in a playful way. Not sure if 'playful' is really getting the concept across. Sort of 'just try it out and see'. There's no real goal, I can stop any time I want to or need to. Rn I got into the task by writing about it. Merely thinking may not get things moving, but writing on OOTS seems to get me further than I envisage all the time.

After writing and doing some feeling of physical sensations, I feel more enlivened and maybe 5 on the 1-10 scale of happiness, which is better than before. And 8 on the scale of gratitude and 4 on the scale of certainty (doesn't refer to the certainty on scale-rating because they're things I feel w/o thought)

Quotebut writing on OOTS seems to get me further than I envisage all the time.

Me too.  :grouphug:

I like your new T. They seem good.

I think you get permission to take a few days of guilt free down time after that big move! No shoulds from me!

I think that you are doing amazing. Moving is such a big event.  Give yourself a lot of kindness and permission to take things slowly.

Thanks Armee for reminding me about that 'should' thing. Part of me wants to get all set up in new apt and enjoy and part wants to go back to bed and do crosswords, read etc. Part 2 has been winning a lot but I am up now, have swept floors and set up a few things or set back up.

Thank you Notalone. I haven't been giving myself kindness, I don't think. More shame and blame.

btw Armee, my T isn't new. Till the new T can take me which might take 6-9 months I can see my old T 2-3 times a quarter.

Tomorrow the carpenter is bringing my bed, changed to fit the new apt. I really need to clear my bedroom of boxes, which would involve putting clothes away and putting dicey ones up in the attic space. Dicey ones probably don't fit, but I didn't get round to checking them out before I moved. I checked some out but not all.

People say "you're very central" but I'm not as central as I used to be. I have to make a bit of effort to see people, interact with people and that effort has been too much these past few days.

Best wishes settling into your new place.

Moving is a big thing. The nice part is that once you're there, you can (mostly) take it at your own pace to unpack and arrange/decorate/whatever.  Wishing you energy and congrats!

hey, blueberry, i echo the idea that you've done a huge thing in moving.  my D and i have been where we are for nearly 2 yrs., and we still haven't unpacked everything - trauma, stress, fatigue, lack of energy have all gotten in the way of that.  do what you can when you are able - it's enough.  i agree to be kind to yourself, gentle. 

and tackling eating issues is also huge.  listening to your body is a big deal, one we've often not been allowed.  it takes practice and time.  you deserve a break.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you all!

I finally contacted LL about meeting him to get a form filled in. It seems so little, but step by step. Baby steps count.

Also "Of course it's worth it!" is my title here because it doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes the opposite which is kind of close to SI as I discovered one day on here a while back. It was a bit that way today too. Fortunately the day's almost over. Now that I've actually moved out of the damp loud dusty dirty unheated apt where I felt emotionally unsafe and constantly on edge, other stuff is coming up i.e. FOO stuff which I don't want to feel, so I 'disappear' and don't get on with things e.g.

It's good to simply acknowledge what's going on.

Hi Blueberry,  thinking of you....

Thank you Larry :)

I'm sorry it felt so bad today.  :grouphug:

Baby steps matter.

They certainly do Notalone. Thanks for reminding me. Baby steps today too. I took the contents of a box marked 'Basement' into the basement, I wiped inside and outside my bedroom wardrobe so I can start putting clothing in and have moved other stuff out of that room because the carpenter is bringing my bed in a few hours. I note my way of working is to move things from room to room, occasionally actually finding a permanent place for something but mostly just back and forth like waves at the beach. Though I have done a little sweeping which does involve finding a permanent place for crumbs, dust and the like ;D

New LL signed the form but I didn't manage to leave my apt in time to take it to Officialdom, so that will have to be tomorrow, a day too late but fortunately nothing really bad will happen to me.

Tenant's Rights phoned to say old LL has basically given in, but he wants me to meet him asap as in today-if-possible. I remembered that since I have a few things to organise before I get the money, e.g. a witness and a meeting place as close to bank as possible so I can deposit money and not wander all around town with it in my backpocket (or even inside pocket), it doesn't actually have to be today. It could be tomorrow. After all, old LL is the one who's been stalling on all this. As in, it's your fault mate you're so late getting those keys. Remembering I have rights here and sticking to them is exhausting. Haven't yet contacted the bank - it's not quite so easy to deposit large sums of cash any more, but I have to find out how. Also not just having a witness but moral support would be good too. Somebody who by their very stance is not going to feel intimidated by old LL and will in turn help me not feel intimidated.

I had bad dreams about new LL but none of it turned out true. In my dreams he and his wife came into my apt w/o my knowledge and permission and started cleaning and of course complaining. It was good to note earlier today that that did not in fact happen. He knocked at my door this morning and asked permission to come in, to sign the form. He didn't look around and make personal comments, as has happened in the past with other LLs.

Should isn't good for me so it's OK that I'm not feeling anything about getting money from ex LL. Presumably general worry and anxiety prevent me feeling anything else, except exhaustion.

blueberry, that crapola is exhausting!  what you've dealt w/ from old LL has been draining at the very least, traumatic at the most.  and for so long.  it sounds like new LL at least has some respect for a tenant's privacy - glad to hear that.  here's hoping it's a very different, very pos. experience you have in your new place.  love and hugs  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on March 20, 2023, 12:01:21 PM
Remembering I have rights here and sticking to them is exhausting.

It is exhausting. Blueberry, I am proud of you!

Thank you notalone :hug:

It continues exhausting. Today I had to give old LL my keys and more importantly collect the money he owed me. I was 5 minutes late because getting out of the house was so hard. Plus getting out of the house with everything I need. Getting my stuff together is difficult due to my dissociation stuff, OSDD.

Today I felt sad about something, I don't even know what about. It was brief.

I can rally the energy to fight against something or someone but it's much more difficult for me to rally energy for myself w/o the fight. Rally energy to shower and wash hair which is looooong overdue or go off to choir practice which is starting rn and I'm still at home or rally energy to do something with a number of my senses combined with being outside. In short, it's hard to rally energy to thrive instead of merely surviving. Hard to rally energy to do things that would further my recovery.

Yesterday I thought it could be good to purposely look for and list things I enjoy. Or maybe purposely look for these things and reinforce them in my mind rather than writing them down.

Last time I was at my GP's he suggested it might be better to go back inpatient rather than waiting another 2 months while everything gets worse. He has a point. And now that I've moved there's no huge reason to remain outpatient, except my students. There will be waiting time involved anyway, so might as well let the inpatient place know. Last time I decided on inpatient, the very fact that I made this decision helped buoy me up for a while. I wish I could just buoy myself up day by day but that doesn't seem to work. Lightbulb: probably some Part needs to know that Help is on the way and/or I'm heading to a facility with structure for me to fall back on, so lots of help. Also when I'm inpatient it's clear what my task is or tasks are. Outside that setting it's not so easy. I know that is one of the reasons against going inpatient too often! otoh most people think I'd benefit from more intensive therapy than it's possible to get outpatient.

My age is something I think about often, in a shaming and blaming kind of way. I think things e.g: is this it?  or eg: If I don't get my act together soon, I'll be acting like a 70 yo. No disrespect meant to any seniors on here but in years spent on the planet, I'm too young to be acting like 70 e.g. with body breaking down etc. It's not even happening yet. Lightbulb: That's my ICr having a field day, that's the kind of stuff that comes from FOO. Doom and gloom about medical diagnoses they have no idea about.

On my tasks outside inpatient: it feels too easy to just be getting money e.g. from FOO but otoh whenever I try and work I collapse, that's been getting worse for a number of years now and I did decide to stop! But then it's hard for me to find a different purpose in life. Moving hasn't helped that. Anyway I'm just kind of babbling here, but at least writing on here has brought some clarity for me. Then some feelings - shame is at the root of things atm. Of course I know that shame is a biggie in cptsd.

sitting with you, blueberry.  so much. i totally get the energy thing.  little by little, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you, san.

Some good things today: it was sunny and quite warm for this time of year, I finally had a shower and afterwards pointed out to a pretty small Inner that nothing had gone wrong - no water sprayed all over the bathroom, no leaks, no floods. I cycled to my GP's and made some realisations on the way e.g. that trying to force myself to do things I think I ought to be doing isn't working. What might get me out of bed instead would be planning to do what I want. What I'd most like to do is start putting my plants in rather than (re)arranging furniture and emptying boxes. If I allow myself to do what I really want, then it's generally easier to do some of the things that I ought to be doing afterwards. The 'wants' and the energy they generate sort of flow into the 'shoulds/oughts'.

'Should' really isn't good for me and it's possible that it never will be.

Some other good stuff from today: did manage to run some errands; I'm back on my non-winter bike which is fun - I notice it automatically makes me cheerier; I taught both my students well today; teaching them did me good; I'm beginning to cycle different routes than immediately after my move which is opening me up to glimpsing little things which I have otherwise not yet seen around town. Lots of spring flowers blooming today.

I resonate with being driven by shoulds.  I hope you had some time to spend on plants today.

Quote from: Blueberry on March 22, 2023, 06:39:20 PM
I'm beginning to cycle different routes than immediately after my move which is opening me up to glimpsing little things which I have otherwise not yet seen around town. Lots of spring flowers blooming today.

That sounds lovely.

It is Notalone! :)

Today it is raining and windy, which was the original forecast for yesterday. I've just been enjoying watching a bird soaring in the sky above the trees the other side of the road.

Some other good things today: I got up when I woke up. I didn't have a clock in my room, on purpose. I have taken a break to drink tea and just have a break because I noticed I was getting tired. It seems sometimes just talking or thinking about doing fun things can be enough? And/or some things turn out surprisingly fun? I have been doing some tidying, especially of moving boxes - flattening them and putting them all in a stack in one particular out of the way place. And it was worth it! A couple of rooms look better now, especially my attic room, which is meant to be my creative and fun room. That was my vision for it before I moved and I still want it that way. I'm still in my night clothes with a fleece thrown on top. Being in my night clothes has helped me too, which means there's something to discover about why getting dressed is so exhausting and maybe something to be processed too in trauma T.

rainy, I'm sorry you get the 'shoulds' too.

It's nice to get those breaks of things feeling better and easier.

I struggle with many of the same things you do too and I'm not sure if it resonates with you but what I'm picking up on is that there are so many parts who all have their different motivations and pleasures and dreads and I sit down to do one thing and then within a couple minutes find myself doing another thing and then another and then thinking about all the things I need to do and want to do and just spin around not getting any of them done efficiently. Even if that is resting. I don't have a solution. But I hope that in seeing this pattern I can start to pull it together into a more workable way to do the things I want to do or need to do without the chaos (in my case).

I think ive mentioned this website somewhere before but it has really amazing resources on it for dissociation, ranging from cptsd to osdd to did. It's really good. It's called DIS-SOS. https://www.dis-sos.com/. It's also in Dutch I think as well as English.

That's it pretty exactly, Armee.

In difficult phase like now, I tend on my own to do round about zero or to do the easiest things like lying around reading which is good for one Part or sleeping half the day which is preferred by another Part - but still not all day. There are however many more Parts which often get neglected because I can't be 'bothered' for want of a better word to do all the things that help the individual Parts which then helps me as a whole because I don't have all these Parts going on strike because they're not getting what they want and presumably need. From listening to music, to moving to music, to being creative, working with colour, being outside, moving my body, eating a varied diet, feeling 'useful' in some way and much more.

Thanks for the link, I don't remember you mentioning it to me, but you may have. It's in German actually as well as English. I will be looking at it more! :) :hug:

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I think I may need to start a new Journal for a while and then come back to this one.