Hope's Journal 2026

[Hope67]

13th January 2026

So, this is my first entry for 2026 in this journal.  I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so.  I value all of you, and what you say.  Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far.

So today I wrote (by hand) the following, which I am now re-typing to put in this journal, and will tear up the paper copy.  That process in itself seems therapeutic to me!

* More regulated
* Better able to notice bodily signs and consider them rather than react to them.
* Noticed more feelings that signify ANGER.
* Continuing to digest various biographies and autobiographies and especially glean things from ones that include therapy interactions.
* Still using bilateral stimulation and EMDR.
* Nightime - much improved.  Previous terror feelings no longer there.  Do get another feeling like abandonment, but less impact than previous terror.  Tend to consider the physical impact, bodily sensation - remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration - Tends to help and can then sleep!
* Frustrated with weight - I had lost weight prior to Christmas - but overdid it, and gained weight - never mind - focus again.
*Still experiencing some strong feelings of DISGUST/SHAME re: not being able to maintain a relationship with a toxic FOO.  Feelings of guilt.  Shame.  Ordered a book about Unshaming - hope this will help.
* Ordered Janina Fisher's new book about Fragmented Parts - understand it's a work-book, so hopeful it will build on her previous work, which has been invaluable to me.
* Noticed that I'm currently most likely avoiding looking at my CSA issues.  Hence feeling some overwhelm at not having sufficient time.  But is this because I am overwhelming myself.  Afterall I can choose how to allocate time etc.

Glad to have started this 2026 journal. 

[NarcKiddo]

That is a really good list. You identify progress and problems but it's nice to see that along with voicing the frustrations you are kind to yourself and consider how you can overcome the issues going forward.

What a great start to your 2026 journal.

[sanmagic7]

  really nice start to this journal, hope.

it struck me what you said about the terror being mostly gone, but it left room for feelings of abandonment now.  it sounds to me like you've grown emotionally, which i'm not surprised due to all the hard work you keep doing.  well done for the progress you've made!

keep up the good work.  i hope your new books are as helpful as the others have been for you.  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

Reading this, I'm really struck by how much awareness and regulation you are building, especially around anger, bodily signals, and nighttime safety. 

One small thing that came to mind (feel free to ignore if it doesn't fit) - maybe adding something like:
* "practicing kindness toward myself when things are messy"
or
* "allowing myself to go at my own pace."
Not as another task, just as a stance. 

(If that's ok)

[Marcine]

Hi Hope,
Continuing with what others wrote, I was particularly struck by your words:
"remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration..."

How beautiful and powerful to remain curious toward your self and your experiences. To try things and observe the effects on you.

I appreciate the inspiration to try EMDR for a brief time. I usually launch into a longer session which is more daunting.

I'm consciously working on acknowledging when I accomplish something. I see lots of reasons to celebrate on your list. I hope you can give that to yourself...

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo, SanMagic, TheBigBlue, and Marcine,
I appreciate what you each said.  Thank you very much       

*********
17th January 2026
It was interesting because I had been talking to my partner about the fact that I hadn't had the feelings of terror at night for a long while.  He then spoke of how he could remember several occasions when he had really feared that neighbours might have come to help - i.e. he told me that I had screamed so loudly sometimes at night.  We were able to laugh about this in retrospect, but I also felt the need to tell him how much I'd appreciated his being able to cope with this - and that he had responded in a helpful and supportive way that was invaluable to me. 

Anyway, I ended up having a night terror last night, and apparently shouted out (rather than screamed) - but I do have a partial memory of it - and I shouted at the point where I had thought that there was someone in the room (a woman) who was holding out a substance that I believed could kill me if I touched it - so that was interesting that it happened like that.  I am relieved that I was able to go back to sleep fairly quickly afterward.

However today my partner reminded me of it, and he wondered if the fact we'd talked about the lack of night terrors, and talking about them again, whether that had brought them back again. 

I told him that I think it's better to talk about things - than not. 

I hope so anyway. 

It's probably just a coincidence that it happened.  I'm not too worried about it.

I doubt that the night terrors will ever go away completely - but the thing is that I cope better, and my partner does understand this.

***********
I've been experiencing some feelings of GRIEF lately.  ANGER and GRIEF intermingled.  I might do some journalling about what's incorporated in that - maybe.  Not sure. 

Right now, I'm going to get a cup of tea. 

[sanmagic7]

aaaah, grief.  i don't doubt that a lot of us have a lot of grief that needs to come up and out, so i'm glad for you, hope, that you're noticing some of yours.  we have lost so much over our lifetimes, on so many different levels.  i know i still have tons of grief somewhere inside, but i don't know that i have the time left anymore to get at it.  still, i can appreciate when others tap into it.  you're doing so well, hope.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[Chart]

Hi Hope,
I read your opening post for 2026 and was very touched. But I didn't respond immediately, probably related to being interrupted by a child or suchlike :-) Anyway, I'm back and I wanted to say how much I sensed self-care and understanding in your objectives for this year. It was very touching to read and feel the love in your words to yourself. It was inspiring, thank you.

And your comment to your husband about your night cries was touching too. I totally agree, it's probably better that it comes out, than it stays in. This has been a thought of mine since my last EF. I had the strange thought last week, when I was feeling pretty terrible, something like, imagine if I DIDN'T feel this? That is to say, it's there, but I don't feel it? And the next thought struck me... is it possible that it's actually "healthy" to feel the pain? That the "negative modality" (the Trauma) that must/needs/wants to come out, is much much better since it IS coming out? Imagine it's there, but it stays inside, hidden, crushed, throbbing...

This has been along the lines of my thinking for a long time about the purpose of pain. I feel a little childish thinking this, but I've not really understood why there's so much pain... And the idea has slowly been forming that pain is part of healing... or even, pain "initiates" healing. Whether it's the start of healing or integral to the process, I'm not sure...

Sorry to divert a little bit on my ideas, but your experience of night terrors brought it up in a very interesting way for me. Though I am very sorry you are experiencing that.

Sending love and hoping for peaceful rest.
 

[NarcKiddo]

It's probably just a coincidence that it happened.  I'm not too worried about it.

This is so great. I am really sorry that you had a night terror after such a long break. But what I quoted there is a completely rational and adult reaction to this. It's very easy for all our child parts to get really upset and think it is our fault. We dared to talk about a night terror and BAM we have summoned one from the deep to punish us. My M was terrible for that sort of superstition. She really drummed it into me and I found myself feeling personally responsible for all manner of things that were nothing to do with me. The most dramatic was when the gas oven we had back in the 70s ignited strongly and singed her eyebrows. A few minutes before I had been quoting from a cartoon show where a character was saying "Oh no, somethings gonna HAPPPEN!" I thought it was funny because the character had a silly voice but got fiercely told off for my doom predictions. So of course I believed the oven issue was totally my fault.

I also agree with you that it is better to talk about things than not. I'm really glad your partner has been so good about supporting you when they happen.