Hope's Journal 2026

[Hope67]

Hi Chart, Yes, I also felt energized and stimulated by all the information and discussion - thanks again 

Hi TheBigBlue - Such a lovely big hug, thank you   

Hi SanMagic - Love and hugs to you too - and I am so glad that you've also enjoyed the discussions that have occurred here - I also felt like 'wow' - so much information and so well phrased - so meaningful.  I will be re-reading it - for sure!    to you, SanMagic.

Hi NarcKiddo - Thanks for sharing that you also find it difficult to read some content as well - I think it's the parts of ourselves that aren't necessarily on board with it - or maybe just taking longer to decide what they make of it.  That's how I tend to think about it.  Wow, I've just looked up the book 'Mother Hunger' - by Kelly McDaniel (a trauma therapist) - it looks like a really interesting book.  Maybe I will need to take a look for it - but I have several books still to read currently, so I need to pace myself! But that one does look very useful.  You siad you're re-reading it - are you finding it easier to read the second time, or still taking longer.    I've had an experience once where I literally 'forgot' that I had read a particular book before, and kept getting 'deja vu' feelings whilst reading it - to then discover that I had read it before - but most likely I was perhaps dissociated whilst reading it the last time...  The same with another book that I had underlined things in - not realising that I'd actually read it through in its entirety on a previous occasion.  However, I think that's not happening so much currently - as I feel like I know when I've done things, and when I haven't.  Sending you a hug NarcKiddo 

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29th January 2026
I've just thought about what NarcKiddo said about an audio book and zoning out - this makes me think that I've not tried listening to an audio book - and I wonder what that might be like to listen to a book that is about trauma.  I usually read things from paper books.  I'm now wondering if it would be a nice thing to listen to an audio version of such a book or not.  Wow, that's a strange thought - infact there's a large part of me that feels some anxiety about that thought.  I wonder why that is.

I asked my AI to summarise the idea of the 'Mother Hunger' book, and it said this:

🌿 Mother Hunger in a single line
It's the lifelong ache that comes from not getting enough nurturance, protection, or guidance from your mother, and healing means learning to give those things to yourself now.

NarcKiddo, if you happen to read that, do you think it's a good summary?  I've just put it there, as I liked what was written, and think I will definitely consider nurturance, protection and guidance to my inner parts/selves.

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What I've noticed so far about 2026 is that I feel more positive and optimistic about it.  This is a good feeling to be starting the year with.  I am grateful for feeling that way. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i'm so glad for you that this year you are feeling more pos. really am.  i think that's the best.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I read Mother Hunger quite a long time ago for the first time. I did tell my T but it was a couple of years ago. She had not read it then and has not read it now but has clients who have referred it back to her as being helpful, so she recommended it to me. We were specifically discussing how to mother oneself. I reminded her I had read it and remembered it as being helpful so I am re-reading.

I have not got very far yet, but I am finding that I do remember quite a bit. At the moment it is about attachment theory, though, and I have read other things about that since.

The AI summary seems fair. The author is good at pointing out the various bits of advice that have been given to new mothers over the years. When I was little there was quite a fashion for letting babies self-soothe and cry alone so I cannot blame my M for thinking this one up, though I think the approach appealed to her more than it might have done to others. The author is particular that her book is not about not laying blame on mothers because people can have Mother Hunger even with a mother who loved them and did her best. But she may have followed unhelpful advice, or fallen ill, or whatever. Any degree of blame a reader might want to lay on their mother is left entirely up to them.

I don't think I am finding it easier to read the second time around, but it is different. The first time the whole notion of having damaging mothering from infancy on was quite new, and I devoured the information about attachment theory and so on. I think I struggled more with the ideas on how to mother oneself because I have such a negative view of what a mother is that I have resistance to performing that role for myself. I am coming round to the possible need for it, and finding a way of doing it without relating it too closely to my own mother. I'll have to see how I feel about those bits when I get there. I am also much more alive to my body's signals now and notice resistance. Before I might just have thought I was tired or whatever without noticing that I was always tired when reading that particular book.

I actually listen to my Gabor Mate audiobooks to go to sleep, sometimes. They are narrated by his son who has a nice voice to listen to. I thought listening to a trauma book might give me bad dreams but that has not happened. I am not prone to them, though, so you might want to beware of doing that yourself. You can listen to clips of audiobooks before buying and it is worth doing that. It would be grim if I bought a book and the narrator sounded like my mother! 

Hugs right back to you. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much   

Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the Mother Hunger book and your experiences of reading it a couple of times.  It does sound like a very interesting and helpful book.  I'll definitely consider it, when my pile of books to read is smaller!  I think I'll sample a few audiobook clips to see what it's like to hear them - good idea!  Like you say, it wouldn't be good to get a voice that was in anyway triggering.  Hugs to you 

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31st January 2026
So I am going to have a 'digital break' for the whole month of February, which means I won't be here till March!  I feel positive about this break, I think it will be good for me.  I'll look forward to re-connecting with everyone here when I'm back in March. 

 

[sanmagic7]

enjoy!  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hope, I hope you enjoy your digital vacation.

Thank you both for talking about Mother Hunger. As NK mentioned, it's funny how the synchronicity seems to happen. I had been looking for books to help with reparenting, and wasn't sure where to start. So, that might be a good place.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Thank you    I did enjoy it. 

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much  I did enjoy my digital vacation, it was good for me. 

I also hope to get hold of the Mother Hunger book at some point, once I've read the other books I am meaning to read.  I appreciate your support.  Thank you.

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4th March 2026
Glad to be back, and also happy that there is some sunshine around at the moment.  I hope it lasts a while. 

[sanmagic7]

i hope so, too, hope, that the sunshine lasts awhile in as many forms as possible.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Thank you so much SanMagic.  The sunshine is still here 

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8th May 2026.

I have been using the AI tool/resource to look at my journal content here, and I am going to copy and paste the results of that interaction, as I found it very helpful, and I'd like to put it here so I can review it, and consider it further:

So here it is:

January–May 2026 — Bullet‑Point Summary
Regulation & Night‑time Experiences
Marked increase in emotional regulation and ability to observe bodily sensations without reacting.

Night terrors greatly reduced; when they occur, you recover more quickly and with less fear.

You and your partner can now discuss these experiences with warmth, humour, and mutual understanding.

Dreams, Agency & Memory Integration
Dreams have become vivid and realistic, often set in childhood places but with your adult self taking active, empowered roles.

Occasional flashbacks from adolescence and early adulthood now feel correctly placed in time, signalling growing integration.

Previously fragmented material is beginning to link together coherently.

Therapeutic Practices & Pacing
EMDR and bilateral stimulation have been helpful; recently you've felt less need for daily use, suggesting internal integration.

Reading Unshaming in small, paced chunks, respecting internal limits and processing capacity.

Increasing ability to listen to internal signals about when to pause or continue.

Anger, Grief & Emotional Emergence
Anger recognised as a healthy messenger signalling hurt, boundaries, and self‑protection.

Grief and anger are interwoven, emerging in ways that feel meaningful and worth exploring.

Approaching these emotions with curiosity rather than avoidance.

Understanding Fragmentation & Early Development
Early caregiving shaped the nervous system: unsafe or inconsistent care created contradictory states the infant brain couldn't integrate.

Fragmentation (EP/ANP) understood as a brilliant survival adaptation, not a flaw.

Explains long‑term amnesia for trauma and why certain emotional responses persist.

Healing involves safe, gradual integration, supported by external regulation and trusted relationships.

Overall Direction Across These Months
Growing agency, both internally and in dreams.

Increasing integration of memory, sensation, and meaning.

More self‑compassionate pacing around trauma and shame material.

Strengthening sense that your system is not broken, but reorganising in ways that make deep sense.

A steady movement toward safety, coherence, and internal trust.

June Intentions (Revised)
Let integration settle 
Allow the linking‑together that has begun (in dreams, memories, sensations) to deepen without pushing for more.
Stay paced and respectful 
Keep listening to internal signals about when to pause, when to rest, and when to engage with difficult material.

Strengthen the adult self 
Notice moments of clarity, agency, and choice — especially where your adult presence shows up in dreams or daily life.
Meet emotions with curiosity 
Welcome anger, grief, and other emerging feelings as information rather than threats.

Lean into safe connection 
Continue drawing on the people you do trust — your partner and the friends who feel steady and safe.

Reinforce the message of present‑day safety 
Gently remind your nervous system that the old survival strategies are no longer required.

Create space and simplicity 
Maintain the lighter, less cluttered mental environment you've been cultivating — fewer inputs, more intentional choices.

Choose gentleness over pressure 
Let June be a month where "enough" is defined by how your system feels, not by productivity or progress.

Here is a June reflection paragraph shaped from everything you've been working through from January to May — steady, grounded, and aligned with the tone of your journal:

June feels like a month of settling and quiet integration, a time when the work of the past few months can breathe a little. So much has shifted — in dreams, in memory, in the way emotions surface — and June offers space to let those changes take root without pressure. There is a growing sense of adult presence, of being more active and capable inside your inner world as well as your outer one, and this month invites you to trust that emerging strength. Anger and grief continue to move through in honest, meaningful ways, and meeting them with curiosity rather than fear feels like part of the healing. Safe connection with the people you trust, gentle pacing, and a lighter, more intentional rhythm all support the sense that your system is reorganising itself toward greater coherence. June becomes a month of allowing — allowing safety to register, allowing integration to deepen, and allowing yourself to move at the pace that feels right.

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I shall hope to re-read this, and consider it, but I am impressed by the summary ability of the AI, and also of the things it said, as they are thought-provoking and I think they are useful to me.

[Hope67]

Just wanted to note some things that I think were missed out from the AI summary - not sure quite why they weren't there - it's interesting in itself that the summary didn't include them - I have noticed in my journal that I do avoid certain topics - especially CSA issues.  I still want to focus some attention on those literature sources I have that could help me with that side of things, but it is tough to go there.

I wanted to consider summarising this journal to enable me to think about my focus for the remainder of this year.  It's definitely helped - sometimes I can end up getting overwhelmed by giving myself too much to look at. 

I was recently on holiday, and I actually managed to read an entire fiction book.  It's a very rare thing for me to do that.  Hardly ever happens, as I gravitate to non-fiction.  But I was pleased to have managed to read a fiction book and I did enjoy it!   

Looking at the summary above, I am keen to realise that it's only the beginning part of May rather than coming into June.  Somehow each and every day seems precious to me at the moment - so I don't want to look too far ahead.  It's Saturday today, the 9th May 2026.  A beautiful day.  I hope to enjoy it.

[Marcine]

"Somehow each and every day seems precious to me at the moment - so I don't want to look too far ahead.  It's Saturday today, the 9th May 2026.  A beautiful day.  I hope to enjoy it."

Hi Hope, Thank you for this. I hope you enjoy today too