Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a very good space for you, DF.  and i'm glad for you that you are able to, at least at times, not feel guilty about missing her.  i don't think we're obligated to miss anyone.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you San. 

I'm off to a retreat this week so I won't be coming on OOTS.

Take the best of care dear friends, see you soon.

 

[sanmagic7]

DF, i hope it goes well and you get what you want/need from this retreat.  see you when you get back!  love and hugs

[Chart]

Hope your retreat goes well DF.
 

[Desert Flower]

I love what you wrote in San's journal, NarcKiddo. True. And thank you.

I think one aspect of CPTSD that is easy to overlook is the prolonged nature of the abuse. And for those of us who had been abused since childhood, well, we know no other situation. So it is normal to us. Realising initially that what happened to us is not normal is a big enough shock but I don't think anyone can truly imagine what digging through a lifetime of issues is actually going to be like. I agree that it is more devastating than we ever could have thought, but maybe it is better we come to that truth gradually, in layers. If I had known right at the start of seeking the healing path what I know now, I'm not sure I would have had the guts to take the first step. For a start I could never have trusted myself to have the strength to see it through and keep moving forward. And yet, here I am. And here you are, too. And here are all our fellow travellers.

[Desert Flower]

So yes, the retreat went very well. (Seems a long time ago though.) I had some difficult moments and I was aware enough of them happening and I did what I needed to do to calm myself. And I realised, I actually felt that when I don't make issues out of things, there is no issue! Wow. This pertained to my M particularly. I was in the retreat for three days when I realised I had not been thinking about my M at all. She was not an issue apparently. But realising that, I instantly felt guilty about that. And then, I was able to let the whole thing go. She is not an issue anymore.

[Desert Flower]

And again, I had been doing pretty much all right for the past weeks, although things were too busy again.

And then, this weekend, it all came crashing down on me again. It really wasn't a pretty sight I'm afraid.

Last week had been too much already, I was being evaluated at work (nothing but compliments but that doesn't seem to matter or sink in) and then, without me being able to rest even a little bit, I went straight into a weekend with my old time friends in our holiday home. Okay, here comes the 'shoulding'. It should have been nice, shouldn't it. But the thing is, like last year, I'm so anxious of making any little 'mistake', doing/saying something stupid like burning the soup (I didn't). And a weekend like this consists of constant conversation between the five of us and it is just draining to me. And then I started feeling bad about being so drained, and needing to get back to work tomorrow after an exhausting weekend with everybody thinking I should have had a nice weekend.

And my dear h (without properly consulting me) had planned to celebrate his birthday with his sisters' (who annoy me for different reasons), also during this weekend. And his idea was, good for me, I was not gonna have to be there because I would be away. But me, on the contrary, felt I HAD to be there for his birthday and I just felt torn, well ripped apart is more like it. I just completely stressed me out I 'had to' be in two places at once and then this morning, my friends asked me how I was doing and it just all came pouring out of me, I just fell apart completely.

- Trigger warning -

I had been talking about my 'disorder' during this weekend, which is good, but part of me wasn't sure they really understood how debilitating this is (how could they?) and wanted to be seen. But then, as I started crying my heart out, of being soooo afraid of taking up any space for me, of just really needing to NOT go to my h's birthday thing (involving a bowling alley and a family dinner!), now I was afraid of showing myself to be such a mess. But they were most kind about it and understanding. And one of the friends said 'this is a fear of death' and it is. This was recognition. The old fear of being left alone and dying as a baby when your M will not come to comfort or feed you when you need it. Because that will make the baby stop crying (my M's words). Well, I'm still crying. The old fear of any slight dissaproval or being disliked because that will make matters even worse. Trying to get the abuser to like you, because you hope he will treat you better then (he did not). I hope I'm making sense here.

So finally, I did NOT go to the birthday thing, I just wasn't able to at all. I reassembled myself a little bit, drove home (scared because I've still got the summer tires, should have changed them by now but I forgot), got myself a snack lunch and then slept through the afternoon, no one home. Alone at last, silence, sigh. I'm now feeling calmer. I am safe.

And I am on a trauma patient panel and I filled out their questionaire on (dreading) the holidays, and somehow it just felt good to check seven boxes for the types of trauma and abuse that I suffered (that's half of the possible traumas they listed). Felt like recognition.