Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

NarcKiddo · October 13, 2025, 02:20:33 PM

That sounds like a really rough day and I'm sorry you had to endure it. You were very brave to go back to that town and I am sad your friends chose to have your get-together there. I know that experience of dissociating the heck out until you are unable to navigate a train station without help. It's awful, and scary and so, so draining.

I hope you can now relax and care for yourself and stabilise.

Hope67 · October 13, 2025, 02:23:21 PM

Hi DesertFlower,
Wow, you have been through a lot - I think you were brave to re-visit that place. I don't have words to say more - but wanted you to know that I read what you wrote, and I hope you don't mind my describing you as brave, but I believe that you are.
Hope

SenseOrgan · October 13, 2025, 03:05:52 PM

Hi Desert Flower, thank you for sharing. The intensity is coming through here. I'm really sorry this happened. Friends not grasping the horror of what you went through is very painful. It's one of the worst things about this invisible wound. For me at least. Obviously the location is charged, so I can see your friends just having fun there like nothing happened to you can feel like a slap in the face.

It may be a bit too soon after the incident, but I see the value in being angry. I'm hoping this means you yourself aren't minimizing/doubting your experience, and thus being on your own team.

I wish you safe sailing through this storm.

Big hug

Desert Flower · October 13, 2025, 06:00:03 PM

Thank you friends, for being here and for your kind words and understanding. It means a lot to me. Big hugs back

Blueberry · October 13, 2025, 10:24:41 PM

DF, I read too. I second NK but I can't write it all out, I'm sorry.

I'm so with you on the over-use of "trauma" and "trigger" by those without ptsd or cptsd.

Desert Flower · October 14, 2025, 06:24:44 PM

Thank you too, Blueberry

Desert Flower · October 16, 2025, 07:16:47 PM

I'm a little tired atm but just wanted to get a few words into my journal.

Two days ago my brother and I sold our late mother's house and handed over the keys to the new owners. Big event. The notary said some stupid things about our family being harmonious, what the ...! But whatever. Good to have this over with.

The rest of the day I was completely hyped up. Yesterday I was regaining my ground. And today, the dominant feeling turns out to be: "There, now you (M) can really totally stop with your opinions or judgements or lack of approval or what have you in response to whatever we're doing." I can completely let go of all of that now.

I will make my own judgements about how I'm doing. Good.

SenseOrgan · October 17, 2025, 08:29:23 AM

Very powerful Desert Flower! I'm reading it with a big smile on my face.

NarcKiddo · October 17, 2025, 01:51:59 PM

That sounds like it was a big millstone to have got rid of. I'm glad. I do wish people would stop making fatuous comments about things they know nothing about. Of course it's well-meaning, but if you don't know how something will land the weather is a useful topic. Silly notary.

Papa Coco · October 18, 2025, 06:44:28 PM

Desert Fower,

I agree with Narc and SO: Very powerful. And clean. Good power. Good closure.

My life changed dramatically for the better at the passing of my parents. I didn't wish them gone, but when they left, the world just felt different. Better. I hope the changes in your FOO end up being good for you also.

I just went back to Oct 12 and read your post about the trip you took on the train. Wow. I can really sense the frustration of that EF. You were so right when you said that these triggers come out of nowhere at times. I'm glad that day is a week past now. I'm also glad to hear your friends helped guide you back home during your dissociative EF.

I hope that the new family dynamic is helpful for you as you move past your mother's passing. there is a lot of wisdom in how you're processing everything, so I'm feeling confident you're doing pretty okay with all this stuff. (PS: I live 15 minutes from the town I grew up in and I still do everything I can to avoid revisiting it at all. Too many triggers. So your triggers last week made total sense to me).

sanmagic7 · October 20, 2025, 01:10:48 PM

hey, DF, so glad you've got that weight off - and i totally agree that you now have the right and power to make your own decisions about yourself, what you do, where you go, etc. all of it, your life and you in it. and i loved that emoji waving good-by to all the negatives you've had to endure. (at least, that's how i viewed it). they're gone. good. i'll join in on that

love and hugs

Chart · October 22, 2025, 09:05:14 PM

Hey DF, I was walking with you. My legs were your legs. The needles in my abdomen, my eyes, deep in the back of my neck. Walking hand in hand with terror. We're not exaggerating. And yes, so many of my "friends" just haven't the first clue.

I've taken to stopping everything, mid-gest, putting everything down and saying, "Ff-ing Cptsd!" A good friend asked me, "What's wrong?" I just said it: "It's Cptsd... it seems to never stop..."
He just stared at me bewildered.

Trauma gives very few breaks.

I've spent the past three days beyond exhausted and sleeping. Last week someone said, "I completely understand". I cracked, I split in two. I'm not paranoid, I'm not insane. It's the world around me that's bonkers. My daughter got exposed to a pedophile. I've been doing insane work to protect her. Among other things, I changed my front door locks... Some kid at her school stole the new key from my daughter. I thought I'd lose my mind. That's when this someone said, "I completely understand".

No, you don't. I wasn't very nice to this person. I care less and less, I tell people the truth. They're bewildered.

Sorry DF, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I wanna say I understand, but that strikes me as being just too easy to say. I THINK I understand.

It's really hard. Thank you for sharing your story. I really relate.

Desert Flower · October 23, 2025, 04:26:40 PM

Yes, Chart, I know you DO understand. And you are making sense too.
It really really sucked to be in that EF. And I'm really really glad for you and all the others at OOTS here, who do know what this is about, how this feels.

And I did tell my friends a year or so ago what was going on with me. But it's hard for them to really get it.
H***, it has been hard for me to really get it!

Until two years ago it was just me stumbling from one EF into the next, not knowing what was going on.

So that's the big change, I know what's going on now.

I hope, in the next EF, I will be able to remember you are walking with me. We are not alone. And that helps. Thank you Chart.

Desert Flower · October 23, 2025, 06:44:39 PM

And I'm very sorry about what you're daughter is going through. I can imagine that would almost be too much. Does it ever stop?

Big hugs for you both

Desert Flower · October 24, 2025, 08:18:54 PM

Quote from: Papa Coco on October 18, 2025, 06:44:28 PMI hope the changes in your FOO end up being good for you also.

I think they might Papa Coco. It feels like I've got more space. To breathe. To be who I am and who I have been.

That is, as long as I don't fall back into the trap of feeling guilty for not missing my mother. Like I did the past few days. But I've gotten back now to feeling I am a good (enough) person, even if I don't miss her.