I Am

[sanmagic7]

i'm with blueberry, bach, very glad to see you here.  i wish that nose would go away, leave you in peace.  love and hugs

[Bach]

One of the things that stops me from writing is the need I have to give everything context.  Nothing that I feel or that I have to say makes very much sense without reams and reams of context.  There's just no way to understand any of it without the whole story, and the whole story is long and COMPLICATED. 

[NarcKiddo]

Have you tried writing stuff without giving context? I imagine you may well have tried a journal in the past, but if you haven't done so recently maybe it could be worth having another go?

You know your own context, so a journal just for you I guess would not require reams of context unless you are wanting to consider a particular aspect in depth. And if you wanted to get the writing seen by others but not be bombarded with questions you then feel obliged to answer, maybe you could start a separate journal here with a request that nobody responds at all (except to indicate they have read what you wrote, or whatever other parameters you might want to specify).

Just a thought. Ignore if not helpful.

 

[Chart]

I have a similar thing, Bach. I feel like I have to explain everything. Justify by explaining and accounting for the whole situation.
 

[Blueberry]

  same for me. Sry abbrev message.

[sanmagic7]

you know, it's your journal, bach.  we don't have to understand every little thing.  if it makes sense to you, and it helps to put it here, get it out of you, i think that's what's important.  this journal is for you primarily.  i know that when i write, no matter if it makes sense to others or not, it can sometimes help me see what i'm saying, give me a different perspective that doesn't necessarily make sense for anyone else.  you're number one, here.  it's ok to do what's best for you.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

  

[Bach]

When I was in high school, my stepmother said that she thought that I should do a job where I worked with my hands.  She was right.  So why instead of exploring the possibility of trade school for me did they pack me off instead to an academic college that I wasn't prepared for, that I barely got into, where I bombed out and had a nervous breakdown within the first year?  They KNEW better.  They knew I struggled with the discipline of academic work.  They knew I was mechanically inclined and that I enjoyed making things and fixing things.  So, why?  Why?  I can't even blame myself for this, one even in my wildest imaginings of what I should have or could have known or done.  I was 17, for heaven's sake, I didn't know anything.  My parents just wanted me out of their hair.  Then after the breakdown and hospitalisation, they bought me off with a small monthly allowance, told me to go find a job and a place to live, and kicked me out of their house.  So I scraped by the best I could, never building anything.  I suppose I should be grateful that they at least gave me money for a while, but...Really? 

I keep thinking about this and I'm so angry.  I've never wanted to be a victim.  I'm tired of blaming my parents.  But the truth is, I AM a victim of their failure to look after me, and a lot of what makes me unhappy in life IS, despite my best efforts, the result of how they failed me over and over again.  What the *&^%$#@#%$^& am I supposed to do with that?

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Bach. 'Should' be grateful doesn't sound like a healthy or useful use of 'should' to me. Sounds like a drop in the ocean of mitigation for what all else your parents did to you or didn't do for you.
 

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, bach, on the whole 'i never wanted to be a victim' thing, never went thru life as if i was one, but i agree, it doesn't mean i wasn't.  you're exactly right, you were a kid, hadn't been prepared to venture forth, to live an 'adult's' life, which was your parents' responsibility. it takes so much out of us to be sent into the world unprepared, no matter in what category.  it just sucks.  love and hugs

[Chart]

I hear your anger Bach. I get rare occurrences of anger coming from time to time. Not too long ago I got angry with my therapist. It was highly stressful, but I went with it and expressed myself. She agreed, understood, and supported me with "issues" I raised. It was extremely cathartic. Here was someone I knew intimately and I was able to be open and express what I was feeling without the menace of abandonment. My anger pushed me to a place of self-actualization. It was very helpful. I've since had a little more distance from all those feelings of responsibility I carry constantly. So I encourage you to explore your anger. In many circumstances it can be a great help. At least it's been for me.

[SenseOrgan]

I'm sorry Bach. It's really hard to see the ongoing effects of things that happened so long ago. 

[Bach]

My mother is torturing my brother, and I'm so upset for him.  The short version of the long story is this:  My mother lives in what used to be my grandparents's summer house.  The house is a big part of our family history.  My grandparents bought it in 1950.  My family spent summers there when I was a kid in the 70s, and my mother continued to spend every summer there until 2004 when for various reasons she took it for her primary residence.  I'd love to tell more about the history of that house in our family, but if I did I'd get bogged down in all the backstories and sidestories and never get to what I came here to write about. So maybe some other time.  In any case, ever since my mother's husband died in 2021, she started talking on and off about moving to a senior living community at the beach two towns over from the house.  It's for "active seniors" and not an assisted living facility, but it does have community spaces, a dining room where meals are served, and on-site support in case of problems or illness.  The house has not been maintained very well, and is not a particularly senior-friendly house to begin with.  It's a vertical house, three stories of tiny cluttered rooms, lots of stairs, and in the past few years there have been various issues related to the lack of upkeep such as leaks and pests.  Last year was particularly difficult in that area, as well as in some health problems she experienced, and at some point she seemed to affirmatively decide that she wanted to move.  The problem was that you have to buy into the place, and there were no units available.  So for a number of months the talk was about how the house wasn't safe or comfortable for her anymore and how she hoped a unit would come available soon so she could move.  Finally a unit            came available.  My brother came down from upstate to take her to see the place, and a decision was made that she would buy it.  She signed the contract and then all of the sudden she wasn't so sure.  Complicating matters was that the closing got delayed a few times by the seller.  Finally the sale was completed, and guess what happened?  My mother decided that she does not want to move.  What's worse is that she has decided that she NEVER wanted to move, that my brother forced her to buy the apartment and wants to get her out of the house so that he can have it.  This is of course entirely untrue.  He has repeatedly assured her that she doesn't have to move, that the apartment can be rented out or resold, that she can stay in the house if that's what she wants to do.  And actually, this isn't even half the crazy, merely the craziest part.  She says a lot of things, many of them contradictory, and all so out of touch with reality that I can't even put them into coherent words.  But the big issue is that all my brother was trying to do was help her and make sure she has a safe, comfortable place to live, and what he gets for that is hostility and wild accusations.  It's so upsetting I can hardly stand it.  I want to tell her to stop being so awful to my brother, but I know there's no point.  She just keeps doubling down.  Yesterday he told me that she said that he should have known better than to take her seriously about wanting to move, and that she vaguely threatened suicide.  What, and I can't stress this enough, the ****!

[Blueberry]

    

    

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. The saying "no good deed goes unpunished" is so true with these narcs. I'm sorry this is happening.