Sage's Journal

[Armee]

I've done a lot of exposure stuff. If you go all out it can backfire if it becomes retriggering or traumatizing but a little at a time seems to help. I've found it's best if I try but also respect that little voice saying no stop too. But there's a lot of power and pride in expsoure therapy too. It does seem to work even for things that seem impossible to "get over."

[CactusFlower]

Armee, agreed, I do need to set limits to prevent overwhelm as well.


The library reading is the 12th, so, next week.  

[sanmagic7]

CF, boundaries can be tough, but oh so important, to my mind, to prevent overwhelm.  that has snuck up on me more times than i can recall, but it was never pretty.  best to you with finding your limits.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

I'm unsure how the exposure therapy is going. I turn on the true crime channel, and it's not playing things that would trigger me. On the other had, I was able to get through someone's personal trauma story with only taking two breaks.

Have had several nightmares lately. I'm not sure if my brain's trying to gear up for another reveal (gee, thanks...) or just needs to chill. I've had to sleep with my teddy bear, which isn't great in this heat. (sorry, Cocoa.)

The sciatica is not quite as sharp due to Gabapentin, so I'm okay with that. My doc also had me get lumbar xrays as she didn't know what was causing it.  Backlog at radiology means it could be 2-3 weeks before the reading is uploaded. She also ordered PT and the soonest they can start is October!  Sheesh. But Bro got me a great gel cushion and lumbar cushion for my desk chair so that was very sweet.

The book reading went very well. There weren't a lot attendees, mostly friends and family of the 9 readers. Man, some of their poems and stories were powerful! One dude was in his early 90's, he started writing in his 70s! A funny thing was that BFF and I went to early dinner afterwards, and we saw two other readers in the restaurant! haahahah (It's a popular place.) I was glad that it didn't feel very pressuring, so I had a good time. I'm still exhausted, of course, and those chairs weren't very comfy, but I'll be ok by tomorrow. They also gave each of us a bottle of water, that was nice.

Just taking it easy for now, staying cool, and writing. I have a short story in the running in a contest online, wish me luck? Won't know for a couple weeks, but I'm just glad it got in.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
Wishing you luck for your short story online contest.  I bet it's a great story, and whatever happens, I think you deserve to win. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

glad your reading went well, CF. good luck w/ what comes next. i think it's a good thing to get out and into such a community. everyone is rooting for everyone else.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I'm so impressed by your reading. It's a hard thing to do I would imagine. Very hard.

Good luck with the contest!!!

I wish the pain would just go away but at least your doctor is taking it seriously and trying things to help. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm also glad the reading went well, and wish you lots of luck in the contest. I'm glad Bro was able to find some good cushions. Medical delays seem to abound the world over these days. 

[CactusFlower]

Armee, San, Hope, Narc - thank you so much. grouphug if you want.

Had a little energy this morning so I made biscuits so we can have "breakfast for dinner" tonight. It's quite a bit cooler today, which is lovely. Especially since I slept poorly again last night. The wind didn't help. Just chilling and preparing for therapy.

[natureluvr]

CF I'm glad the reading went well for you!  Good luck in the online contest.  I like having breakfast for dinner too.  It's easy and satisfying. I'm sorry your slept poorly last night - so did I.

[rainydiary]

I hope your breakfast for dinner is just what is needed after the day.

[sanmagic7]

biscuits - yum!!!  hope it hits the spot.  sounds good to me.  love and hugs, CF 

[CactusFlower]

Lol, the food was good, thank you. I made pork chops in our cast iron skillet yesterday (my bro had to lift it, lol) and they turned out delish!

I did not win the writing contest, but there were over 300 entries. I'm not worried about it, it's good experience. Writing has been going well.

I had a rather disturbing nightmare the other night. My parents were still divorced, but for some reason, Male Parental Unit was visiting. He kept exhibiting stranger and stranger behavior over a course of days (as dreams can go) and I was the only one who noticed. I remember I asked Mom when he was going to leave, but didn't get an answer. Finally, he was chasing me around the backyard. I woke at that point, whimpering and breathing hard like I'd really been running. I can see what the symbology is here, but I don't agree. I fully feel that even if Mom wasn't consciously aware, something made her leave when we did, and I don't think it was just him being a *#&%.

Still appreciating these chair cushions.

I kinda treated myself.  Bro had bought me a fountain pen in a style I really like in their newest color... I think that was for my birthday? Anyhoo, I did a survey and got a small Amazon gift card, so I got a bottle of ink I've been wanting. Platinum Carbon Black. Waterproof, archival, and severely dark. I love it! I've seen some videos regarding sketching with this ink and then watercolor, so we'll see. I'll definitely do a lot of writing with it.

I did have a huge anxiety moment the other day. I have a date for my disability hearing! Early November, by video. So glad I chose that option. I googled the judge and he has an acceptable rate of approvals. My lawyer is aware and is going over things, to let me know if I need to do anything. I did give him a copy of the xrays and report from the sciatica, as they indicated some arthropathy in the lumbar region. Joy. /sarcasm So on one hand, I'm very relieved to finally have a date. On the other, it's a whole new level of anxiety. AAAGGHHH. Ok, I'm breathing.

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, i LOVE my new fountain pens.  there's just something about writing w/ liquid ink. i've also thought about sketching w/ them.  good luck if you delve into that venture.

sorry about the writing contest.  been there.  stings a little, but like you said, there are always so very many entries.  hopefully, next time . . .

congrats on getting your hearing date.  new level of anxiety, for sure.  fingers crossed and prayers flying!  love and a hug filled w/ all the winning vibes available.

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, san. Yeah, writing with the new ink is satisfying in a way. I'll try sketching eventually, just haven't been inspired at the moment.