Sage's Journal

[Armee]

 

It's really terrible what they are putting you and everyone else through with disability. I'm sorry. Between that and your recent loss I'd feel quite down too.

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks for checking in. Sorry to hear things aren't going better on the disability front. 

[sanmagic7]

CF, you know i'm with you on this disability thing.  my D is waiting now for her court appeal, and yeah, it's been a horrible circus.  i'm so sorry you're going thru this.  it's hard to wrap my head around these denials when i see the struggle to just make it from here to there, let alone try to hold down a 9-5 job.  my heart is with you.  love and a hug filled w/ 'hang tough'

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee, Narc, and San. Gentle grouphug back.

I think part of why I'm down is that Abby has clearly bonded right off with Bro. She lets me pet and give her scratches, but isn't very cuddly to me. Varric wanted to be held 24/7, lol.  I just miss having a cuddly kitty. I miss holding Varric, or him sitting on my chest or side when I lay down. I love Pumpkin, of course, but she'd never been the cuddle type, even though she's sweet otherwise. She has been close at bedtime, at least.

Between that and this being the time of year for fireworks, I'm holding my stuffed animals a lot more this weekend. I just want to sleep, even though I'm not actually sleepy. I'm keeping an eye on this as I'm hoping it's not one of the odd side effects of the prozac.  We'll see.  But I haven't been a hungry as normal either, and that's unusual for me. I have plenty of sandwich stuff and low-energy things I can make, fortunately. Just... blah.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're feeling down, though it's totally understandable. I would be, too.

As for Abby, I think you just have to give it time. She's finding her way in a new home and just because she is close to Bro now does not mean she won't get closer to you. When I added a second dog to our household I thought I had made a terrible mistake. Older pug made it clear I had ruined his life forever and would have nothing to do with pup. (It worked out in the end, but the first year was tough.) I loved pup, but I hadn't got to know him yet; he was very intelligent and very challenging. And then, gradually, without me even noticing, he became my heart dog. Abby may also be picking up on your sadness and maybe she thinks you need space right now. And maybe you do, a bit, even if it doesn't feel that way. Animals tend to be very wise, emotionally, I think. There will be a big, Varric-shaped, hole in your life for some time and you just have to wait for it to feel less raw. Keep hugging your stuffed animals and take care of yourself.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Narc, you're probably right. it's all too easy for me to jump to a bad conclusion, even if it's not reality. They actually were within about 6 feet of each other this morning without growling.  The stare-downs are kinda funny. And yeah, it's still hard to watch cute cat videos with an orange tabby. Thanks for the reminder of common sense.

on an unrelated positive note, bro got the ingredients for a nice treat, a chocolate cream pie.  That'll be lovely in this heat.

[CactusFlower]

pie was good. Have felt very blah last few days. Might actually be the prozac, will continue to monitor.  BFF says it's "anhedonia". A loss of pleasure in things one used to enjoy. I can't bring myself to write anything or be creative, I don't really care that much about doing the step work, etc. Just blah.  If it keeps up too much longer, I will email doc about discontinuing the prozac.

[rainydiary]

I'm glad you noticed how the way you are experiencing the medication and are taking steps to sort out the changes you are noticing.

[CactusFlower]

Have not taken the Prozac for 2 days. Seem a little more engaged today with stuff. BFF had noted that while on it, I declined two lunch invites. I personally also realized I'd lost some appetite; part not being hungry, part not caring if I ate.
Actually had an interesting thing happen the other day. A writer for a local magazine will be doing a feature about the anthology of military stories (I got my author's copy, whee!) and was also wanting to talk about tattoos we have. Me, BFF, and 1 other author were the only ones who showed up for the writer. We had pictures taken, told the story of our tattoos, etc. But, we'll be the center feature in next month's issue!  It feels a bit surreal, but really cool.
Also looking forward to the writer's convention. I'll be absent Thurs-Sun and I decided not to take my laptop. Having to carry that, my purse, and was with the cane just sounds way too unwieldy. I have some blank notebooks that will fit in my purse and those will do fine. I'm not really excited about being around a lot of people, but at least we're there willingly and the space is large. And they're feeding us, which is nice. The motel we're staying at is cute and vintage-styled, small and run by two couples. It has all the normal amenities. I'll have my phone, but I don't check the forum and stuff on there because I can't remember a ton of passwords, LOL. Hopefully I'll learn some important stuff about writing and publishing.

[Armee]

I'm sorry it doesn't seem like Prozac is going to be helpful but so glad you figured out it is likely behind the lack of desire to do things and it sounds like a good choice to stop and see how things change.

That's super exciting about the magazine feature! You have important stories to tell that will help other people and it takes a lot of courage to put ourselves out there. Good job!   

[rainydiary]

Congratulations about your writing and also for identifying differences you note with and without Prozac.

[sanmagic7]

i hope the convention goes well for you, CF.  i've always enjoyed them.  and, yeah, meds are always a crapshoot.  glad you were able to sort that out for yourself.  they just don't work the same for everyone.  and that pie sounded amazing!  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san, rainy, and armee.  If I learned anything from all those years working in the medical field/healthcare, it's "document, document, document".  Even if you don't think it's important.  But then, I'm also the kind of person who completely reads the info sheet you get with prescriptions, LOL. I told my doc when we started all this that I'd try whatever she recommended, and I have. Fortunately, she is also willing to change things when I report that something isn't working or has a side effect I can't tolerate.

Saw a video last night on something called neurographic art.  I might try it as not a lot of supplies are required. I like doodling and coloring, so that's right up my alley.

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
The neurographic art is something I might look at as well - it sounds like fun.  I enjoy dot to dots, so maybe doodling and colouring might be something I'd also like.  I'm struggling to get into anything creative.  Thanks for sharing the name for the art, I've never heard of it before.  I'm going to take a note of it, and have a look.

Hope you enjoy it.

Sending you a hug as well relating to your grief about your lovely pet.      Glad you have a new pet - but it's still sad to miss and grieve the one you lost.  I am sorry.

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Well, I'm back from the Writer's Convention. So much to process, but I have therapy tomorrow, so that's good.  All in all it was very good. There were actually only about 4 or 5 staff and 25 attendees (it's the first year they've done it), which helped a lot. Plus, we already knew one of the people as he's the editor of the anthology our stories are in. Everyone was was very open and nice without being pushy or too extroverted. (writers, right? LOL) Some really talented people. It was nice to be around people who are creative in a similar way to what I and my BFF do, and who wanted to learn and share and connect. I learned quite a lot and actually produced some really decent stuff in the exercises, stuff that has great potential, I'm hoping. With such a smaller group, it really felt more like a book club or something meeting at someone's house.  The food was good and they provided bagels and coffee in the morning, delicious sandwiches for lunch, and some nice but simple dinners. It was all locally produced, which I liked. Even the ice cream for dessert was local, and really good!

Friday evening, the staff/teachers/keynote speakers had a reading and shared some of their stuff.  The keynote speaker was from Ireland! His stuff was very moving, very powerful. Saturday evening, the attendees got to do readings. I took a big leap and read a poem I'd written years ago about cancer. I was nervous, but it got huge applause (blush), and the keynote speaker said to me personally later on how much he liked it! I was trying not to fangirl and squeak. Some of my heritage is Irish and I'm very drawn to its creative history and culture, so that meant a lot to me.

Something I think my therapist will like is another big risk I took.  The woman who read after me had two short poems. One was also about cancer, and the second one was about losing her cat. I totally cried some during it. But after we were all done, I went over to her and shared about my recent pet loss and we totally understood each other... and we hugged. I hugged a stranger and it was okay. I don't think I could have done that with anyone else even though they were are quite lovely people, but that connection, even in grief was a bit healing in its own way.

I think because so many of us read our creations that were very intense, very personal (many were on some kind of grief) and very... vulnerable, we felt safe with each other. At least 3 men who read were able to cry, and they and others had no shame in letting some tears go when others read. it deepened the feeling of connection. I feel like the connections I made this past weekend, and the others I've made here over the past couple years, are the kind I always *should* have had. Aw, dang it, now I'm crying. But I'm somehow smiling despite it.

Oh, and I didn't bother with the prozac, really, I just remembered to take the prazosin and famotidine before bed.  The motel was very comfortable cute, and clean. I really enjoyed staying there. I certainly hope they do this again next year, I'd love to go back.  Quick addendum: Physically, it was exhausting and painful to sit all day on a hard chair at a table, but my BFF folded up a blanket out of his car to put on the seat. So I'll be physically useless for a few days now, but I'm ok.