Sage's Journal

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds awesome! I'm so glad it went well. Well done for writing your poem and for being brave enough to read it out and for getting the applause, which I know will have been richly deserved.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you enjoyed the convention, CF.  it really is special to take our creative minds into a place of creativity.  i hope you get to go again, maybe w/ a pillow for those chairs!  lol!  (I've actually done that many times).  love and hugs full of rest and decompression. 

[CactusFlower]

Been a bit busy lately. I'll be going with a couple other authors from the anthology to a local library next month to do a reading. I must admit, pretty nervous about that.  BFF is going too since he has a story in there as well. He keeps telling me that the audience is there because they find this specific type of book interesting, so they WANT to hear it.  That helps. A little, lol. But my therapist is glad I'm getting out there and agrees with my BFF.

Worked on editing some writing from the retreat into actual story form. I submitted it to the critique group and got very helpful feedback, so I can edit further. I'd like to try submitting it to an online magazine. Also going through and revisiting some old poetry.

The heat wave kinda of broke here.  It's sad when mid-90s is considered cooler, but it was miserable here the first part of the week.

Next week I have med check-in, so I can tell her the prozac was awful. Also, *finally* have to regular doc visit for the sciatic pain.  It's eased a wee bit with some stretched I learned, but not totally gone. At this point, do whatever, just make it stop. The fibro is bad enough, I don't need more pain on top of that.

[Armee]

No you dont need more pain on top of fibro. Make it stop please world! 

That's so awesome you are doing a library reading. You are amazing. 

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you can get rid of the sciatic pain now the doc appointment has finally come round.

The library reading sounds great. Of course it can be scary having the prospect of doing something like that, but I'm sure you'll ace it.

[sanmagic7]

hi, CF.  my D did a library stint a couple years ago, and the audience was wonderful.  as BFF says, they're there cuz they're interested in that type of book.  best to you - i have no doubt it will go really well.

i hear you about layering pain upon pain.  nuh uh, no!  i hope you get the relief you need.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, armee, narckiddo, and san, grouphug back! You know, the connections I've made here on OOTS mean so much to me, I would be willing to share a hug in real life. I know we're all far apart, but that's how safe I feel after sharing this healing journey so far.

Still working on some poems. I'm transcribing a couple that I did at the retreat so I can edit them. It feels good to be creative. I honestly can't imagine how much worse it could be if I couldn't write. Well, I kinda can, the Prozac temporarily suppressed the inspiration and desire to make things, and that was awful. But to have it that bad for the three years (wow) I've dealt with this? ugh.

I did have a weird nightmare the other night. Not to give details, but there was violence, fear, and a lot of escape attempting. It definitely woke me up with heart racing and breathing hard. At least I was able to get back to sleep and the rest of the night wasn't horrible. my T said it's fascinating how our minds work on things in metaphor sometimes.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
That does sound like a weird nightmare - I'm glad you were able to get back to sleep and the remainder of the night wasn't horrible. 

I'm glad you're enjoying opportunities to be creative, that is so lovely.  I hope your poems are enjoyable and you get some inspiration to continue with them. 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, Hope.

Well, the prozac didn't work, so now we're trying Wellbutrin. I got in to see about the sciatica and my doc agrees that's what it is. She prescribed some PT, Gabapentin for pain, and some xrays just in case because she's not sure of the cause. I hate taking pills. That makes 6 different ones now. I can guess where it comes from, but I do have this basic reaction that needing meds = failure. Intellectually, I know it isn't, but that reaction is hard to get rid of.

The fiction is going well. The cats still don't quite like each other. I think the heat is getting to me because blah. Not meds, they haven't had long enough to build up. I also have a really weird craving for taco bell. Unfortunately, the only one nearby has a parking lot that makes it very hard to get in and out of. (5-way intersection, it's on the wedge) I want crunchy tacos. I could get the shells at the store, but those always taste... stale.  Sigh.

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, crunchy tacos! yum! i've often gotten corn tortillas and fried them up myself - i like those a lot better than store-bought taco shells.  just a thought.

hopefully, you'll find the meds that help you the most in the least amount of time. yeah, i agree, it's hard to get rid of the 'if i'm using meds to help me, it's cuz i can't do it on my own.' well, i couldn't fix my broken wrist or arm on my own, either.  it's just that those wounds are visible, like that makes them more important and understandable and acceptable.  i hate those old messages that stick like glue.  ugh!  love and a hug filled w/ acetone to dissolve that glue.

[Kizzie]

I was wondering how your appt for the sciatica went. I hope the Gaba and PT help.

I know what you're saying about all the meds you're taking, I too feel like I've failed in some weird way. I also take it as a sign of getting older and I have not come to terms with being a senior yet. The list of meds and issues just keeps getting longer - bah. 

Very cool about doing the reading - takes some courage to do that so bravo! 

[NarcKiddo]

Can you get tacos delivered? We have an app called Deliveroo where a driver will go to any food joint that has signed up to the delivery service and bring your order. You prepay and of course it all costs more than going to the place yourself. But it arrives hot (at least it did the one time I used the app).

I hope the meds work for you. I also hate taking meds, for all kinds of reasons, so I can resonate with your reluctance. But sometimes it's the best course of action.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs to you, San, Kizzie, and Narc! I might have to try making the shells myself. We have Doordash, Grubhub, and Uber Eats as an option, but 1-yeah, they get expensive, especially if you don't order much, and 2 - taco bell tends to get a little cooled off by the time they get here, which defeats the purpose.  But I'll look into what it takes to make my own.

So far, the Gabapentin does seem to take the sharp edge off the sciatica, at least. Means I don't have to sit on an ice pack currently. I have to call Monday to schedule the PT (because of course they didn't call me on getting the referral) now that my bro has registered for his next semester. I had to know his class days first since I rely on him for transportation.

There's still cat yelling on Abby's side, but their distance is narrowing, lol. I have managed to hold her for a couple of minutes when Pumpkin isn't in the room. *rolls eyes*

My T wants me to work on the avoidance more. How do I get around that? LOL, just kidding. I know it involves exposing me to possible triggers, but it's really hard. I'll tell myself "I'll work on that today", then I distract myself, forget intentions, and by the time I think about it again, it's the evening. Gotta work on it harder, if I can. Ugh.

Family dinner tonight. I have to wash the crockpot soon, I'm doing a pork roast with veg and sauerkraut and applesauce.  Nomnomnom.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you CF as you navigate all of this. 

[natureluvr]

That's wonderful CactusFlower that you are a writer.  How did the reading go at the library? 

I'm sorry that you are dealing with having issues with the various meds.