FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Armee]

It's friggin hard to tell the difference between trauma reactions and real gut reactions. I'll smtry to pay more attention to the signals because I'm not sure how to tell...I think there's a level of certainty with gut and a horrible drowning feeling with trauma brain...

So glad T got back to you. 

[Moondance]

Yeah it's all a muddle to me yet.

I don't recall feeling a level of certainty for sometime.  Maybe I have, and I'm just not recalling it at the moment...ugh!

  Armee

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i completely believe you about your physical pain.  i'm right there with you.  i believe, for me, that my body has held all the pain over the years that i wasn't allowed or able to express. and, it's a lot, i can see that now.  unbelievable to think of how badly and often we've been hurt. i'm very sorry you have to experience that. you don't deserve it, didn't deserve to be treated badly in the first place.  also very glad you have such a wonderful friend.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I hope that your inner sense gets louder with time.

[Moondance]

Sanmagic7 

Rainydiary 

[sanmagic7]

back atcha, moondance. 

[Moondance]

.   avoiding avoiding.

It's been a pattern for a long time but much worse now.

Last weeks movie didn't go as planned. I am ruminating and then shutting down.  I start to think about what happened and then just go blank, my brain literally shuts off.

I will write in point form so that I xan go back and move look at thi gs .ore in depth.  Right now it is too much.

1. J brought a friend along which was not expected, I didn't know about.  I assumed it was J and I spending some time together.  I was not prepared for that.

2.  Movie was sold out - we were unable to see the movie. 

3.  The dynamics of 3 people is different than 2 people.  I feel less discomfort with 1 other person other than myself.

4.  3 times I observed J turning g to her friend so that I couldn't see what she was saying.  First thought is why would she does this, why am I here with them.  And most likely something about me. 

5.  I felt less than, confused, angry, defensive.

6.  I'm unable to walk for long periods of time  and felt unable to say I don't want to go shopping for 4 or 5 hours. We originally were going shopping prior to the movie for a short time. 

I did get a cart to hold on to which makes walking longer possible.

I finally was able to say I'm heading out when they wanted to get an ice cream.

Since arriving back home I gave been berating myself.  Why are relationships so difficult for me. 

I had actually been looking forward to this outing.  I haven't really looked forward or felt that way for sometime. 

I feel disappointed in myself and in J.  I honestly don't think I can be in relationship with anyone. It all feels rather hopeless.  I keep picking people who really don't care about me.

I have an appointment with T on Thursday. 

I haven't heard from A for a week.
I'm afraid to call him. I feel I'm a bother, a nuisance that he's had enough already so I don't want to bother him. I feel this way a lot, that I'm a burden, nuisance to all. I feel that and have felt that at the core of me for as long as I can remember. Feeling that way about myself makes it impossible to be in a equal relationship.   

  



 

[rainydiary]

I resonate with all the confusion in relationships with others.  I'm glad you were able to leave eventually and am sorry to hear about all the unexpected things that came your way. 

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary for resonating

I'm extremely hypervigilant and fearful when away from home. I was taking a risk.  Turns out it was way too much.  I won't be doing that again. 

I'm still too confused to respond to J's text. Or voice message.  It is very difficult to let people see me as I am.

[Moondance]

Two big things today - I called Paul, left a message for a call back.  Anxiety rising as the hours passed but kept telling myself he' probably busy, out and about. I heard from him 1/2 hour ago.  I didn't mention any of my concerns - I was just really glad to hear his voice and to know all is well wuth him.  I still feel like something is up but telling myself over and over it will be okay.

I texted J back last night and we've texted back and forth a couple of times.  She shared she didn't understand my fear of going out.  To be honest I don't understand either but as we texted back and forth my last text explained, in a nutshell that my fear is possibly not knowing whether I will be able to look after myself in any given situation while out.  I feel that way for a number of reasons. I'm hypervigilant whilst out, I get overwhelmed easily, I could go into an EF and not be aware.  I could be dissociative, etc etc.   

I have difficulty knowing my needs, my wants or likes in a non reactive state so when any one or more of the above states come abound I'm really lost and unsafe. 

I wouldn't have been able to identify any of this 4 months ago. 

Thanks to this forum and all of you for helping me become more aware.

I so appreciate this forum.

 

[rainydiary]

I resonate with growing in identifying and expressing needs.  It is really challenging and I hope you find things that are supportive to you.

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you have a therapist appointment coming up. And very sorry to read how the cinema outing went. That is very disappointing. It is brave of you to be able to text your friend and explain some of these difficulties. That sounds like really good progress for you, though of course it is a shame that the circumstances put you in that position.

 

[Armee]

This makes so much sense and hopefully it helps being able to verbalize it and recognize it. That's often a pretty significant step for me toward getting those triggers more manageable.

I have difficulty knowing my needs, my wants or likes in a non reactive state so when any one or more of the above states come abound I'm really lost and unsafe. 

[Moondance]

NarcKiddo - yeah the more I think about it the more I believe I put myself in that position - I really should not have assumed that it was only J and I going.    I'm not on the ball as the saying goes with my needs.  It's like I forgot where I'm at which is really not good. Living in a fog I guess. J did apologize but I must take some responsibility for myself. 

Armee - yeah it does help and then I think about some more and more sense comes out of it.   It would be nice if I could know at the time though as it does make it difficult to look after myself.  Crazy stuff this is.

And I'm aware that my writing sucks. I'm not even expressing myself to the full extent possible.  My brain feels like well done toast at times.