Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

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[Moondance]

 

I can't seem to solve any of my problems either.  I am doing what I can at the moment and that is, therapy with a trauma informed therapist and I am on this forum for a month now or thereabouts.

I am very isolated, not working, no contact with anyone but T that understands about trauma, occasionally speak with insurance company reps but that send me into crisis and I am working through Peter Walkers book on CPTSD.

I am having to accept, for the moment that I am where I am but even more important to know that CPTSD is complex and it will take a long while for me to heal.  One small step at a time.   It is very frustrating, I agree but if I don't accept it, I  will get worse.  I really don't want it to get worse and I'm almost certain you don't as well. 

I don't know if this helps you at all Eireanne. 

I do hope you eead this as intended - caring and supportive.

to you Eireanne if acceptable, if not please disregard

[Armee]

I'm sorry, EA. It's a really overwhelming stage to be in. I agree with Moondance acceptance of our symptoms is the first step. I have lots of empathy because I've been where you are, and it's a lot. It does get better. It is not hopeless. I do have some speciifc advice but we are generally encouraged to provide support not advice here. If you want a solid step to consider I will share it. Either way we are here with you and get it. 

[sanmagic7]

EA, i'm sorry i couldn't answer your question w/ anything helpful.  perhaps, like many of us, just keep doing what you think you can do, like writing until everything comes out.  we're here for you, you're not going thru this alone,  c-ptsd is a beast in my mind, one with many tentacles.  if it's any consolation at all, we are hearing you.  we get what it's like to have so many thoughts and triggers running thru our minds at the same time, and, yes, often one will bring up another and another, ad nauseum.  hang tough, ok?  i've seen a change already.  small steps count.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

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[Armee]

 

It does feel like that, for a long time. That there's only steps to alleviate symptoms without healing the trauma. But in my experience and I offer this gently: alleviating the symptoms is the first step.  Stabilization. Then trauma processing. Then growth. The reason is because I couldn't and most people with trauma cannot actually process trauma and grow until there is a stabilization of symptoms.

I had to learn to stay calm and grounded in the face of the trauma, before I could face it. That is why practicing grounding and self care is so important. And even though that alone doesn't heal the trauma it can start to help you feel a little better. Better enough to take a deep breath and to start to process and heal. It takes a long time, a lot of practice, and a very strong will to feel better.



We are hearing you. It is not fair and no you absolutely shouldn't have to teach your therapist all this.

[Moondance]

I am sorry Eieranne you are so alone and hurting so much. 

You may be physically alone, but you are not alone in it - we all are here supporting each other as best we can given the fact that each of us are all on this journey of healing from traumas.

Eieranne, I'm pretty new here and forgot the guidelines about giving advice.  I sincerely mean to be supportive on this forum.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Eireanne that you have to teach your therapist. I agree, it's her job. That stuff is soooo exhausting. I had to do that in the past too. Even if the therapist does learn from you, it's still exhausting.

I have had a similar experience to Armee. Most important is stabilisation. In fact, in my country that's the mantra for healing from cptsd: stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation, look at something, process a little, stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation, look a bit further or look at something else, process, stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation,... and then integration starts happening and maybe growth in a form that you can see for yourself. Looking back, I would say there is growth beforehand too.

Atm a lot of mbrs on here are writing Journals and writing out what happened to them. Everybody needs to know for themselves whether that's a good thing. From what I have been told in inpatient trauma therapy, you can retraumatise yourself writing that stuff out when you're not ready or you can just frustrate yourself because it doesn't seem to work. And reading other people's accounts can retraumatise too. When I was first told by trauma-informed therapists maybe 6-7 years into my real intensive healing journey, that I needed to get really stabilised before I mentioned anything more out of my past, I was shocked and disgusted, but I followed their stipulations  - it was a healing retreat and I didn't have much choice in the matter - and it worked. I can't remember how long I was stabilising before processing, but it was long - a few years probably. I wasn't in continuous therapy though, I just had these healing retreats.

Anyway a lot of mbrs are writing Journals atm but that hasn't always been the case on here. I would gently suggest trying out https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0  The stuff pinned at the top is there because it is so important. Not all threads are possible or even useful for everybody. So if "grateful" makes you see red, maybe try Three Good Things a Day. Even reading other people's posts on it still helps me. And I still write on it. It's not in order to deny all the bad stuff that happened or is still happening.

Another thing that might help is reading up on brain research and how it pertains to traumatisation - amygdala, pre-frontal cortex etc because it can help us understand why healing is so long-drawn out and why it doesn't really take place on a cognitive level, which you probably know. I still re-read that stuff because I need to remind myself all the time. Unfortunately my brain is too numb to point you in a useful direction on the forum atm, where to find useful reading matter I mean.

I'm sorry if I wrote you something you already know or that you've written about in your Journal ad nauseam. I haven't read all of it, so may have missed.

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Armee]

I'm sorry I got that wrong, EA. 

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

@armee - you didn't get it wrong.  You are reading the incoherent thoughts that aren't coming out the way I intend and doing your best with what you are reading.  That's not on you to get it "right".  I'm not, in any of these posts, saying what it is I'm meaning to say.  I'm just "venting" in a way, and not really saying ANYTHING.  Not even sharing what actually happened, which I think would help, because I'm just purging. 

It's not fair of "me" to sound like I'm dismissing your suggestions by saying, "that's not what I need" when I'm not even expressing to you what my needs are, and you are trying to piece them together by my entries alone.  You are awesome and I appreciate you holding space for me.

[Eireanne]

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[rainydiary]

Navigating relationships to support healing is really difficult.