Rainy Journal 2022

[CactusFlower]

Seconding san, rainy. Gentle hugs and hoping you can get back to running and sleeping better.

[rainydiary]

San, it is funny how I know moving helps me and yet of late I haven't wanted to move as much.  I think it is a balance and I tend to be all or nothing.  I hope to find a balance.
.....
CF, I appreciate your care.   
...........
Today was weird.  The last working Monday of the year for me. 

Tomorrow I have my intake appointment for the autism evaluation I am pursuing.  I am nervous about it especially finding a space to take the call as I will be at work. 

Today I was wondering why I am often so met with hostility when I treat the students I work with like human beings.  I feel like I have the effect of holding up mirrors for others and they don't like what they see. 

Of course I make a ton of mistakes too.  Today I got impatient with a colleague and made comments to another colleague about my frustration.  She always feels the need to point out "they are doing their best."  I don't need her to say things like that - we are all always doing our best. 

I am interested in seeing how tomorrow goes.  I am still more than ready for Friday to be here.

[Blueberry]

Hoping that Friday comes soon in your world! And is slow arriving in mine

Hope your phone appt goes well and that you can find a small private corner to have it in during your work.

[milkandhoney11]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing so much hostility at work, especially when you are just trying to treat students like human beings who deserve support and respect. I have experienced this kind of hostility so many times and it makes me feel really angry. It just shouldn't be like that.
Maybe you are right about the mirror- I have never thought of it this way but it is a very intriguing thought that I'm going to explore for myself.
At any rate, I hope all will go well with your assessment and that you can reach the end of the week safely. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but don't let others' comments bog you down.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your reminder of perspective.  When I was in high school, a teacher shared this piece of writing that was a collection of sentences people had written across time.  What remains with me is how human we have been over time as well as how the same experience can be perceived so different.
.....
M&H, I appreciate your support.  I am always caught off guard by how understanding of a student I can be but struggle to show that same care to other adults.  I think there are a lot of reasons that is the case. 
.........
I am exhausted and up much later than I wish to be.

My intake appointment went ok.  The provider was pleasant and understanding.  I feel hurt and defensive about some of the questions he asked - I know he is just trying to establish things he needs for the evaluation but it left me judging myself and feeling weird.  It wasn't anything he did or said but rather my perception.  He sent me some specific forms to fill out and we will meet again next Tuesday for a more in-depth conversation.  Thankfully I won't have work that day.

A colleague helped me find a space where I wasn't disturbed during the meeting which was nice of them.

This evening hasn't been my favorite.  My husband and I had tickets to see the Banff Film Festival tour.  I knew I would struggle with going because so much was planned for today.  We went for a little while and came home at intermission.  I got really overwhelmed and overstimulated being there.  When the films were playing I was ok.  I forgot to bring earplugs though which may have helped a bit.  I am glad we went but also really wish I would have staid home because now I feel off.

I recently watched the show Stranger Things.  I'd never seen it before and really enjoyed it.  Parts of it are super gruesome but I was compelled by the story telling and wish I could create compelling stories.  There is a song they play in the show that I am obsessed with.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=gR_LNag3-FQ&feature=share

I hope I can settle down enough to sleep.

[rainydiary]

Today was difficult.

I appreciated connecting with colleagues with my same job today.  We are all feeling the weight of our work and how we are being treated by our employer. 

I arrived at my school today and opened my email.  I had two emails which were so unpleasant and sent me into an EF. 

In one email, a colleague I've met once sent me this email about documentation that is overdue.  She copied several administrators to ask me what my plan was for getting it done.  The way it was written was incredibly rude.  I know this wasn't only my perception because one of the administrators responded and defended me.  He checked in with me later which was appreciated. 

I didn't respond because I knew this person doesn't have all the context and is wrong.  Her approach really caught me off guard.  She later acknowledged that she was wrong about the timeline for the student.....but didn't acknowledge or apologize for how she spoke to me.  I know I won't get that from her. 

It disappoints me because when I first met this person, I thought they would be an ally.  Instead their interactions with me have been unpleasant.  I don't mind directness but her tone is always implying I am not doing my work and I don't like it.  I have this intuition that she would say this is about her "social deficits" (her words) which to me is just an excuse for being rude to other people. 

The other email I received the person attributed questions to me that I didn't ask.  They were her questions and her freaking out.  This person is slippery and constantly adding administration to emails and she sent this email to an administrator implying these were my questions.  It pissed me off.

I then had to call this person to acknowledge a misstep I made with communicating with the family of the overdue paperwork situation.  My experience is that if she gets to lord knowledge over me she is fine, so that conversation went "ok."  But I really don't like working with her because she plays a game I don't understand and will lose.

I was so upset this morning I think some students noticed.  One kept asking me "are you ok?"  With him it is hard to tell if he was picking up on my feelings or rather expressing his own anxiety about things and phrasing it in the way people ask him.  But it still made me feel bad that he might have felt unsettled by my difficulties with being present today.

[Armee]

Those dynamics at work sound really frustrating and difficult. I'm sorry that's happening.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the care Armee. 
..........
I feel compelled to go in a different direction today in my post because this has been on my mind.  This post is about body image.

The other night when we went to the film festival one of the films was about a Hawaiian discussing her culture.  This person was beautiful.  It made me feel so awful about myself because I am beautiful in the way that person is.

I have felt so mean and dreadful about my appearance of late.  I do not feel beautiful or worth looking at.  I am struggling with how my body is changing as I approach 40. 

I struggle because my teeth have a lot going on and kids make comments constantly about my teeth.  Adults don't but they give me a look.  I am not interested in doing elective dental work just to avoid all of that.  But it still hurts.

I am not sure why all of this is bothering me so much right now.  My parents were so critical of me and my appearance.  I have always felt ugly.  I don't think that is how others see me but it is how I feel inside right now.

[Armee]

I think it's really powerful Rainy that you could see the beauty in the woman in the film and see yourself in her. I'm sorry your parents were so critical. And I bet it's really helpful to the kids to observe a physical difference in a person they admire and to see how that person manages their difference. Many people erase their differences. You are keeping yours. The kids get to see that as a model. That is better for them.

I know it's painful. Kids are blunt. But I truly believe they are thinking about their own insecurities and differences when they do that to see how other people manage that. Inside I feel deeply insecure and ugly and gross and imperfect and frumpy. Some of that is a distorted perception and some of that is objectively true. And yet on the outside I try to portray these things to my daughter as coming from a place of security. Yes. I have gray hair. Most women my age do, but they spend a lot of money to dye it. I choose to not do that. I am OK having gray hair, because that is the color my hair is and that is how old I actually am. That is the message I give my daughter. Under that message I feel ashamed. Who knows how much of each message she is picking up on.

When people do things to make themselves look perfect I don't know if that is helping these poor kids growing up in this harsh world of social media and perfection. So...thank you, for not fixing your imperfections. I think that is beautiful and a beautiful role model for the kids you work with.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate that perspective.  I will do my best to keep being me.
........
I just need to write down a weird interaction I had with a colleague.  I'm pretty sure I won't get past this today.

I went into a classroom to pick up some students for a group.  As soon as I walk in, so many of them start saying "Miss Rainy! Miss Rainy!  Miss Rainy!"  I work with a lot of kids in that class. 

One of the special education teachers was in the room.  I assume she was there working with students.  Well, she hears the kids and starts mocking their words, "Miss Rainy, Miss Rainy."  I gave her a look and her look back was like "What, I'm just joking."

I spy jealousy in her actions.  But it doesn't make her behavior hurt any less.  Almost every interaction I have with her leaves me feeling smaller. 

I am not sure how to move to past this right now.  I do not understand why other people are mean because I have worked hard to establish relationships with students.  I want to cry and for some reason tears won't come (probably because I am work).  I would just go home but have a meeting after work I committed to.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy.  She's absolutely jealous. I don't know why some people are like this, but their loss. I think it's wonderful that the kids greet you with such enthusiasm and glee. My sympathies that you have to deal with her, that's so petty.

[rainydiary]

CF, I appreciate your support. 
.........
I made it to a break from work. 

I did mostly move past that interaction earlier today.  I saw that person a few more times but we didn't speak. 

I am asking myself where the line is between saying something to stand up for myself and limiting my contact with toxic people.  I think I still tend to let others "get away" with a lot. 

This week I did try to advocate in terms of scheduling meetings.  I have colleagues that plan meetings I am required to be at without asking me if it works and are sometimes double booking me.  I wanted to be snarky in calling these folks out but decided to go about it differently.  I explained that I have many roles I play and am getting double booked.  I asked if there is a way we could plan out the spring meetings.  There was a lot of performative action on their part that I'm not sure is going to stick in the long run.

But I still struggle with in the moment advocacy.  I need a lot of time to process, especially to process when people make comments that are hurtful.  I do notice that I have developed a few work relationships where I am advocating and doing ok.  I think a lot of my struggle is situational.

For now I hope to set all of that aside.  It is time to rest up.

[sanmagic7]

yep, i smell jealousy, too.  what a downright shame to have to go thru this.  i get it - an ex-friend (20 yrs.) was envious of me for various reasons, and put me thru so much because of it (which is why she is an ex now).  it absolutely sucks the way those people treat you at work.  my heart feels for you, rainy.

ah, body changes.  they come w/ time and there's not a lot everyone can do about it.  my body is so different now than it was 30 yrs. ago (besides the age thing) and it's difficult to accept it for what and how it is, some days worse than others.  but some days i can look in the mirror and think 'well, for 75, it could be worse'.

rainy, you are doing such a good job w/ those kids, they appreciate you so much.  i love that you're there for them in just the way you are.  as you could see, you are one of the highlights of their day.  what a gift you've given them.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your care and support.  I want to be as understanding other adults as I can be towards children.  And yet the ways adults act carries more consequences.  I appreciate the thoughts on bodies - I'm not sure I'm so surprised things are changing.  I think it is more than my body - I keep changing and am disoriented right now.
..........
So grateful I don't have to work tomorrow.

But also just feeling fatigued with the holiday season.  The ways in which I differ feel empathized during this time.

I started watching Wednesday on Netflix and am really enjoying it. 

I am trying to find joy and rest where I can.

[sanmagic7]

you know, rainy, the idea that you are changing makes total sense to me.  this has been a doozy of a year for you - you've made some huge realizations, some major steps forward, and you're dealing w/ a hostile work environment all at the same time.  that's far and away enough for change on any and all levels.  when your brain is mashed up w/ what you've been dealing w/, it's going to filter down physically as well - at least that's how i see it going.  i know i'm now exhausted after vacuuming the apartment.  it takes its toll.

and the holidays.  rough for so many people.  my D and i were talking about this big generalized push to be w/ family, w/ friends, socialize, happy happy jolly jolly, decorate, cook . . .   may i suggest you do what you want and leave the rest?  you've got enough on your plate, so to speak. 

sending love and a hug full of support and compassion