Rainy Journal 2022

[Not Alone]

Rainy, I caught up on reading your journal today. I hear the weight of stress that you carry at work. I agree, that the coworker who chanted, "Ms. Rainy," sounds jealous. The students were glad to see you!

I am asking myself where the line is between saying something to stand up for myself and limiting my contact with toxic people.  I think I still tend to let others "get away" with a lot. 

I have a hard time with that too. What is the healthiest course of action? And what is healthiest for ME and everything I carry and how easily I can be triggered? In the case of my husband, my T said, "Usual methods of repair don't work with him." Also, if dealing with a work situation, that is a different dynamic also.

I'm sorry your work adds so much stress in your life. My work place isn't perfect, but overall it is kind and supportive. I wish that for you. You deserve that.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy. I agree with previous posters, "doing it all" for the holidays isn't reasonable for most of us anymore. We're here for you and this is a safe place to rest from all that for a few moments.

Also, Wednesday is awesome. I hope they get a season 2.

[rainydiary]

San, I have more change to share below.  I appreciate the suggestions- this is a time of year for us to go inward and I am trying to accept that all I want to do is rest and play my video game.  I appreciate your care.
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Not Alone, I appreciate you checking in.  I will say one of the schools I go to is a lot more supportive.  I think there are a variety of factors for that.  I spoke with someone yesterday that suggested perhaps I will always have qualms with a place I'm at.  I think the balance I will be monitoring is if the qualms are harmful to me or not.
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CF, thank you - I am playing Dreamlight Valley as much as I can. 
.........
I am not sure of my feelings in this moment but wanted to document: today I officially received an autism diagnosis.

I told four people - my husband, a friend out of state, and two colleagues.  I am not able to gauge the reaction of my husband and out of state friend - they both seemed a bit shocked.  One of my colleagues responded that she would like to hear more about when we get back to work.

I do not plan to tell my parents and am grateful I found a provider that didn't insist on me getting input from them.  I worry my husband will tell his parents - it's not that I care about people knowing but I should be the one disclosing not him. His boundaries with his parents don't really exist so I will probably need to tell him to not say anything.

I'm not surprised by this diagnosis but it is still difficult.  There is a lot of misunderstanding and bias about autism.  I also worry about not being even more defensive at work with how crappy people talk about and treat all the neurodivergent students. 

I have a lot to process.

[Not Alone]

That is a lot to process. Sending you care.

[paul72]

Sending support and care your way rainy as you process this.
And a gentle hug if that's ok 

[milkandhoney11]

Oh, Rainy, that sure is a lot to process. I feel that receiving a diagnosis like that can be a bit of a relief at times as it might explain why you have been struggling with different things, but I am also aware that a lot of people who get this diagnosis relatively late in life really struggle to come to terms with this. I imagine that this will change the way you think about a lot of things and that this might cause a lot of problems along the way (especially regarding who to tell about this), but I hope that in the end it will also give you a little peace of mind. I also hope that it allow you to access a little bit more support...
So, I guess what I am trying to say: I know that this is likely going to be a difficult time for you but I am here for you if you need someone to talk. And, of course, if you need any help with anything at all, just let me know

[rainydiary]

Thank you NotAlone, Phil, and M&H 
..........
I am not sure how I feel today.

My brain is thinking a lot and processing.

Something I notice is I think a diagnosis of autism explains a lot and it feels like I can be myself. 

I am also grieving I didn't know this sooner but also struggling to feel like it is me and fits me.

I am struggling with balance in my life right now.  I am also not sure how to best support myself right now. 

Things I needed in the past, such as journaling a lot, aren't as helpful and I don't feel the emotional and energetic capacity to do them.  It seems like I need an expanded tool box and I'm not sure what that is yet.

Really though I feel like we are still in transition living in a rented apartment with plans to seek a new home. 

I have this worry my husband has also changed so much and that this process of us finding a home together is going to be difficult.  I'm glad to be where we are but I'm not sure he is. 

The only place he never complained about living was his hometown.  Every other place is too this and too that.  I worry we made a mistake in moving.  It seemed like the right thing at the time and it felt like a joint decision. 

More time is needed I think.  But also I need more joy and rest.  I'm not resting well because I feel so uncomfortable almost all of the time.

[Armee]

Feeling uncomfortable all the time is really draining, Rainy. Im sorry you are feeling such discomfort. I relate to that in some ways. I hope you are able to get to a place of comfort soon.

This is a huge thing to be incorporating into your own understanding of yourself and how you move through the world. I know you've known this diagnosis for yourself for awhile now and I'm glad you have that validation and explanation. It'll take time for this all to balance out. I'm proud of you for seeking answers and sorry the people in your life did not have this understanding of you previously. I hope for the people who matter to you that they can find good ways to support you in being who you've always been.

[Hope67]

Things I needed in the past, such as journaling a lot, aren't as helpful and I don't feel the emotional and energetic capacity to do them.  It seems like I need an expanded tool box and I'm not sure what that is yet.

Hi Rainy,
Hopefully you'll gravitate towards whichever tool you need, and will know what it is at the appropriate time.  I find that I move between different things, and I was also journalling for the first time recently and found it helpful, but then found I moved away from it for a while, as it became a bit overwhelming.   I know that you have a lot that you're dealing with at work, and also adjusting to being in your new home geographically etc, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, i discovered i'm on the autism edge just a few years ago.  like you, i discovered it explained a lot.  autism has been a bit of a stigma all my life, with one prominent picture of what an autistic child is like, so it took me some time to accept that i wasn't that child, i was very high functioning, etc.  i've not told very many people about it either, mainly because i'm not in contact, but also because it doesn't really make a difference in our relationship.

sitting with you as you process this.  it is a lot.  i hope you can be gentle and patient w/ yourself while you are going thru this.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your support.  I think in many ways now I am more aware and realize that I can take action to make things work for me.  The work right now is letting go of things that I did to cope that never helped or weren't working very well.  I also feel stressed that I don't have it all figured out (which I never will).
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Hope, thank you for checking in and for the reflection on tools.  I am wondering if it would help to check in on what I am doing as I think I do a lot of things without realizing and seeing if those are things I want to keep doing.  Right now I am struggling with self-reflection and think I just need some time.
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San, I relate to the stigma.  I work with autistic students and it is difficult to have this one word that describes such a variety of experiences.  I watch day in and day out how my students are treated and realize I've been treated that way too.  That is what is hurting right now.  I appreciate your support.
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I've cried a bit today.  I think it helped release some tension.  I thought about younger self and wished she could have received even more understanding for needs others didn't understand and that she couldn't have known to articulate.

My brain keeps thinking about all of the difficult encounters I've had at work and through the lens of being autistic the way I was treated feels even worse.  They were responding to me with prejudice and that sucks.  I want to scream and tell people how they've hurt me but it won't make a difference now.

I am worried about being too raw when I go to work with how people speak about the students I work with.  Mindsets need to shift and yet processing my experience through telling off other people isn't going to help. 

I really wish I didn't have to go back to work.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i wish you didn't, either.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy. It bites that you have these struggles with work. People can be so ignorant and cruel, but you know the truth; that these kids deserve love and care just as much as anyone else. I wish you peace and strength through this. We got your back.

[rainydiary]

San and CF, I appreciate your care and support.   
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It's hard to know what to write today.  When I am at home and not at work, I am ok.  Today my brain started thinking about going back which is a drag.

Today I decided that I need a break from my Switch where I play video games.  I have been using it to numb and avoid and I think not giving my brain a break. 

I am still processing the autism diagnosis.  It does explain a lot and makes me feel more whole.  It is also confusing because I realize all these things I do to try to compensate and how exhausted I am by things other people don't see.  I know I also won't be believed by many people as having this diagnosis.

I am hoping to give my brain a real break the last several days of my break.  I've been avoiding myself and it is time to check back in.  I know I need things to be different moving forward and perhaps I can start to answer how that will could look.

[sanmagic7]