Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

Thank you CF, it seems he is. I think this was only the fourth time or maybe fifth. The first time I was really impressed, the second time less so. but he seemed to understand some of what I criticised the second time, took that on board and can work with it. Unlike the new psycho-T who I ditched after 3 sessions. So yeah, it was a good session yesterday.

Today I've felt pretty bad all day. Set my alarm for 9am and although I heard it and even got up and took my meds, I went back to bed and slept till 12 noon. I needed it. Then ran errands e.g. went to farmer's market (very close by) to look for freebies for furbabies and myself. Did a covid test. I'm still negative, fortunately, but I feel a bit feverish. Though when I'm out and about I feel less bad. I went to the games' afternoon I often go to and did feel better afterwards. There somebody asked me about one aspect of my professional work and I noticed while talking about it that I was more animated and felt less depressed, I also didn't notice my headache so much. But now I'm home and could be working on this particular thing but I'm not. I have opened up the document a few times today to continue from yesterday but closed it again.

My occup.T agreed with me yesterday about there being possible reasons behind procrastination. (I know there are even websites about this, but I sometimes prefer to feel for myself rather than rely on somebody else's theory.) I realised a few days ago I'd been putting something off for a long time, so I decided to have a go at it and discovered I couldn't do it. Don't have the stamina, don't have the wherewithal in my head, can't concentrate enough or make decisions. otoh it's good I tried (just cognitive realisation for me), ot-other-h I discovered once again that I can't file papers and not for the first time. This is unfortunately not 'just' a cognitive realisation but more like a punch in the gut emotionally-speaking. My inadequacy or 'incompetency' is the word coming up from the depths hits home. It's of course neither inadequacy nor incompetency, it's cptsd, but it's understandable that I don't want to feel this stuff. Later on this evening I could try to work on this topic a bit, at the very least using eFT.

[Blueberry]

You know reading your post I thought...I would feel honored to learn from you and would be very willing to sometimes have lessons called off or whatever you needed. I bet many of your students feel that way too...ok with a little inconsistency depending on how you're feeling.

Thank you Armee

That is in fact what often takes place. Like adults OK with me asking them what homework I gave them last time because I just don't seem to have the wherewithal to write it down atm. Or if I do write it down, then I lose my notes. Of course they should be filed but I'm not managing atm.

[Blueberry]

So on accepting myself:

I have managed to do some professional work today. The final bit I was doing was checking lesson dates with payments in order to write a few final bills. Maybe sounds easy but my paperwork got a bit disorganised between going inpatient and now so quite a bit to double-check and leaf through this and leaf through that. I got as far as I could with one student's stuff, so leaving the harder stuff for tomorrow   I'm accepting of myself that I have finished some of the admin work I needed to do but I am quite simply not capable of doing the harder stuff tonight. Hey, it's even good I started that admin stuff this evening!

But then I thought that while all those files and calendars are open, I'll just check one set of easy things for an additional student (so nothing like the difficult stuff I'm putting off till tomorrow). Very quickly I noticed that even that was too difficult. And in fact I did end up doing too much before stopping. This became apparent when I was closing and saving my documents. I almost lost one and got their titles all mixed up. The good thing is: I managed to straighten out the mix-up and not lose that document and now I'm accepting of myself that this is the way it is. It's good that I did various tasks today including teaching and writing an overdue bill and the other stuff I wrote above. It's also really good that I can accept that that is all I can do today and that yes cptsd does this to me. This is the way it is. This is the way I am atm.

No cheers for the way I am because that feels too much like thanking FOO. But for stopping work for this evening and accepting that I need to do so:

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I am reflecting on how difficult it is to have had experiences that make work and daily life so overwhelming.  It is so frustrating and lonely and painful to be continually confronted with limits going about these things.  I hope that you continue to find acceptance of where you are moment to moment.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainy for expressing that and for understanding. Just since yesterday I've got better at accepting where I am.

I've done more sorting of papers and filing today. I accept that rn I can't do anymore. I remembered: baby steps count. They count in my business too. They count when I'm tackling piles of things that have been waiting to be done for ages. There especially baby steps are necessary.

I also managed one of the hard business steps I couldn't finish yesterday. It went quickly and easily and I know it's correct, which it might not have been if I'd pushed through with it yesterday.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Baby steps definitely count, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok - 
Hope 

[Armee]

I'm so glad to hear the baby steps are working and you are able to do some of the harder tasks you couldn't do the other day.
.I relate to being overwhelmed by stuff like filing that should be easy but aren't.

[CactusFlower]

small steps, so very true. wishing you gentle hugs and energy.

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody!

I think that I have minor cyanide poisoning through a type of plum. It is an edible type that I got from the Neighbourhood Food Shelf. I boiled up a bunch a couple of days ago and the week before as well. And I've had some of them raw. They have very small stones and I swallowed a couple of stones by mistake and didn't think anything of it 

TG for Google - you can quickly look this stuff up. So no worries anybody - if you ingest a lethal amount you're dead within minutes and I'm still on the go several days later. But it's not exactly healthy. Well, at least I'm listening to my body now.

When I smelt a pot of them today, first it smelt really good but then some secondary aroma made me really nauseous, so despite all the work I put into washing them and boiling them up yesterday, I've already thrown that pot out and am going to throw the others out too. It's hard for me to do this so I maybe need to work with a Part about the seemingly wasted effort and I think there's some other stuff behind there too.

One good thing today: I finally went to church for the first time in about a month and during the first hymn I heard my choir director singing up out of sight by the organ. She doesn't usually play in that church so it was a welcome surprise. I got up out of the pew at the front of the church and walked all the way to the back and up the stairs to join her and sing up there. I didn't care what anybody thought about that - what's she doing?? - Nope, I didn't care. I get a feeling of belonging in the choir, even if it's just the choir director there. I'm probably not the only person on this forum to have a deficit in a feeling of 'belonging to and being accepted by'. It occurs to me as I write that it's probably one of my main early childhood and ongoing traumas. I hadn't sung for at least a month and I have a lot of trouble singing the notes at the best of times, but I am still accepted and welcomed in the choir and I was still accepted tonight up by the organ.

And I realised once again: stay in the choir!! I'm always humming and hawing about maybe stopping because my throat's been ratched up for months and because I think I should be spending my time on other more useful things and I shouldn't be investing so much energy in hobbies. Oh, there's that 'should' again, 2x in fact

I feel better now physically. When I'm writing away, I don't notice the symptoms of what I think is mild cyanide poisoning. Or maybe it's a kind of FOO poisoning?

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i'm going to disagree w/ those 'shoulds' that are hounding you, if that's ok.  there is nothing trivial about music and the feelings it can evoke in us, whether listening, playing it, or singing.  i have never looked at your choir attendance as a hobby, but as something that feeds a part of you which nothing else does in quite the same way.  i'm so glad to hear you went and took your place in the choir that day - it sounded to me like you followed your heart.  to my mind, that deserves a cheer 

i'm also loving your continuing acceptance of yourself - the acceptance part also deserves a cheer    i agree, the fact that you can't always do what you want when you want is not cheerworthy, nor is your FOO for causing you to be in such a place.  i do see lots of hard work you're doing to heal from their influence, tho, and i'm cheering for you to be able to continue doing what you can when you can and being accepting of that. 

love and hugs, my dear blueberry.

[CactusFlower]

I agree with san; music is very important and it's wonderful that you have that.  hope you feel better from the food items. hugs!

[Blueberry]

I just want to write a bit w/o responding to your posts above tho I do really appreciate them.

What I thought was some form of poisoning turns out to probably be one of quite a number of post-Covid symptoms. They can attack your gastro-intestinal system and they also can cause inflammation in your throat. My throat feels restricted, breathing is harder. But I am doing better than I was last week despite that.

On Thursday my godson is coming for a 3-day visit. Being on the farm Sunday-Monday helped me realise that my present-day self would really like to see him. Other Parts of me couldn't face the effort, but I now feel those are Parts which are angry at his mother (ex-friend no. 2) so it's good I've managed to feel this separation and difference in wants. I'm still putting things off, especially cleaning and tidying and organising of which there is a ton of really necessary stuff to do. e.g. at the moment I'm sleeping on the floor, my mattress is outside in the yard waiting for the Bulk Garbage Collection next week since the number of urinary incontinence episodes in the past while have rendered it useless. I need and officially want to clear my sofa of papers and books and who knows what so I can sleep there and I can put my godson on the floor or on my bed w/o the mattress (whatever he prefers) but I guess some other Parts of me don't want to do that and then also partly because bending over to pick things up and place under furniture exacerbates the gastro-intestinal symptoms.

I disappeared on various websites this evening - it's now just past midnight - though I also was working on the computer this evening but then I started googling around. Just in the past couple of days I've been more aware of that and have been much more mindful - realising that I'm beginning to google around because I actually need a break from whatever I'm doing on the computer. So in that case it's obviously much better for me to step away from the computer - go into the garden, or put some music on and move around, go for a little walk around town (which I did this afternoon when I realised I really didn't want to do some written work and couldn't concentrate anyway )

This evening I also phoned a friend I hadn't spoken to since late July when we both went down with Covid separately. It was good to speak to her again and also her h.

I had a very good appt with my occup. T today. Mostly I talked but near the end I noticed I at least wanted to look at the project I was last working on weeks ago before T went on holiday and I got ill. It's a collage. I yawned a lot and because of the content of the collage that made me realise once again how important music is for me and strengthened what the T has been intimating and I'm beginning to believe. I need to try and find the words for this cuz rn it's just a vague feeling again and doesn't exist in word form in either of my languages.

Let's see: I have a wide set of interests. This one collage really shows who I am, but just a part of who I am. There are many more aspects to me, many more inspiring and creative facets of me. I've achieved a lot so far in my life and I've climbed and overcome many mountains. I'm talented and successful in my teaching and I give a lot. (Yawn, yawn, yawn). Through my freelance work, I'm able to integrate myself as a person handicapped by cptsd in the working world in a way that wouldn't function if I were employed somewhere. (Yawn, yawn, yawn). I yawn when things are processing, especially when I have no words for the processing and/or can't feel what's going on. I could feel everything I wrote about the different facets of me and what I've achieved etc but at some point I numbed out because it's hard to feel those complimentary things about myself but I do know they're true. My T was merely helping me see that. I still had to be ready for it emotionally, otherwise I wouldn't have taken any of it in and wouldn't have yawned. In fact I probably wouldn't even have remembered it.

So that's enough for the moment.

[Blueberry]

Things are really flowing today! I'm doing really well, especially my teaching and lesson prep and writing homework exercises. How could I possibly think of giving up this work? I can be so creative when I'm doing well.Bolding that so I hopefully notice it next time I'm in a bad way.

So when I'm thinking about giving up, even when I have the impression it's the most rational decision at this point in my life, it's caused by a Part. I don't want to say it's an EF altho I suppose it might be. I'm still learning about Parts and I'm not sure if dropping back into one is quite the same as an EF. But that doesn't have to interest anybody else on here.

When one Part or even a couple of Parts are coming up with some idea like this, they don't have the 'full picture'. They're more likely to be influenced by things I used to think or influenced by FOO ideas because they're lacking some knowledge of my life now; in my Adult of today, I don't even notice what knowledge the Parts have missed out on. My inpatient T taught me that Parts don't always absorb new information cognitively so e.g. when my F came into my mind in a therapy session, my T suggested I stand up and go and poke my finger where I 'saw' him and feel if he was actually there. Of course he wasn't - he lives a thousand miles away - so I poked my finger into the upholstered back of the chair instead. So using touch, a fairly young Part absorbed that F was certainly not in T's office. So that's just one example of how cognitive stuff - me telling a Part something - doesn't always work.

Anyway, lots to do still this evening, teaching 2x tomorrow morning and then my godson will be arriving a few hours later. I don't know how much I'll be on OOTS while he's there. Last year when he visited I came on here in emergencies to write and that helped me deal with triggers and also what to say to my GS, to 'repair' things - he's only 12 yo. None of them are my godson's fault, he's actually an easy visitor to accommodate, but cptsd=triggers

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Blueberry. I am always interested in how your work with parts and such, it's fascinating. Wishing you calm and peace during the visit and we're here for you whenever you can drop in.   

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, what you wrote about how parts can absorb things makes total sense to me.  a 5-yr. old part can only understand things from a 5-yr. old perspective - not much logic, limited world view, much different life experience than an adult, and certainly not much understanding about your life as an adult.  (just an example).  fascinating.  thanks for sharing this - another piece clicks into place, even tho i haven't really worked much w/ parts either.  still, it felt important to see what you wrote.

so glad you're feeling good and enjoying your work, and your creativity.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs