Accepting Myself

[CactusFlower]

Blueberry- That's great about the OT. Giving you space to just be and to listen is wonderful and motivating in of itself. I'm glad you are going to see him. Wishing you energy, peace, and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody for your support and for your acceptance of my present state.

I'm presently trying to sell/give away some stuff on a local online thing and am having a lot of trouble placing the ads so this shows me concrete that things are genuinely difficult rn and that my not doing much, if anything, is probably partially in order to not notice how difficult stuff is. This way I can just feel lazy rather than so deranged I can't get on with decluttering.

I have a sore throat again and although it probably isn't covid since I just recovered from that a week or so ago, I can't even be bothered to do the test. Nor can I even be bothered really looking after my pets, which is pretty bad news. The old one is sleeping a lot - they notice when I'm depressed too. Well, a friend is coming help me clean or tidy tomorrow, so that will help a bit. That will activate me somewhat.

There is a lot going on atm internally - mostly decisions I feel I ought to be making - so it's no surprise that things have become stagnated again. This whole week my business neighbour is on holiday so it might have been a good idea to enjoy the time without him, like being more in my office, but somehow... That didn't pan out.

[Armee]

Aw I'm sorry. There must be so much weighing on you inside.

I often find things that should be easy to be just so very very hard...especially anything involving signing in to an online system. Just one of those really bothersome symptoms.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Armee

Yesterday and today I did manage to place a number of ads and have had some interest.
Some ads I intended to place but then didn't because decided I couldn't part from the object after all. I was told this is part of the dissociative diagnosis - different Parts of me have different ideas on what should be kept or not. So even if I'm pretty sure I'm making decisions out of my Adult of today, that doesn't necessarily mean that the decision is the correct one for me at this moment and that there won't be repercussions internally at some point. And it's certainly not always a case of "then I'll buy another one" because sometimes there isn't another one. e.g. some books are out of print.

It's similar for almost all decisions atm - well at least the big ones like to look for another place to live or not. Or to keep going at my freelance work or give up. And if keep going, then look for a new office or not. Contact with FOO on particular topics - and if so how - or not. So no wonder there's a lot of stalling going on. 

I posted a while ago about realising that with my FOO it's a case of ongoing abuse not post- anything. I'm now so kind of spaced out that I wouldn't be able to explain why it's ongoing. Not that I actually have to. I realised that really I'd have to go NC to heal - at least that was my impression. I note that for me going NC is not easy, I haven't done it yet. I haven't even decided totally to do it, even if that's the only way to heal. I often take my time about things. So, decades to heal.

[Blueberry]

Idk really know what's going on today.  I just feel so lethargic. I think it's depression but idk why.
_____________
Well, I do know some of what's on my mind atm, some of which is maybe contributing to the lethargy. My godson, conflict-friend no. 2's son, is coming next week for 4 days. Instead of  getting prepared for that, which would include lots of cleaning and tidying, I've been playing round upon round of Patience/solitaire, doing SH and roaming around the Internet. I think once my godson is here, it will be fine, we will do things together, he's not his M and can't help what she thinks or said, but atm I feel I'd prefer to be on my own.

I've copied this over from my previous Journal because this is more or less what is going on now, except that this time I'm getting ready to cancel the visit.

It's to finally admit to myself that no, I can't. No 'should be able' etc. No, I can't. I used to force myself through this type of thing and other things too.

It will be enough next week for me to teach 2 students (that's planned) and attend 2 different T appts.
And then try to accept myself as I am. Even though feeling as if I'm at the end of things in my early 50's doesn't feel good. Of course I am not actually at the end of things but due to feeling like giving up feels as if I'm at the end if that makes sense.

So as an antidote, I'll list a few Good Things, Things I Accomplished (however small) in the last day or two:

sometimes I took my meds; I left the house at least once every day since Wed. and so was outside at least once a day; I have been feeding my pets, even if rather erratically; sometimes I even picked fresh garden food for them; a friend helps me clean and I allowed her to come yesterday (last week I cancelled cuz I couldn't face having someone here); I arranged for someone to come by today and collect a book and a bottle of something I don't want/need so my apt is now decluttered of those 2 items; I have drunk water every day.

So that's it, but it's better than nothing. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Sending you another hug, and thinking of you - 
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

It's very helpful to write up lists of what we've been able to accomplish. There are days that getting up and getting clean are major accomplishments. Wishing you energy for all the things. HUGS

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing the good things as well as the things that feel out of reach. 

[Armee]

 

Yay for drinking water!!!! And also for canceling something big you are not up for.

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody once again.

I'm on the way up again. I got back on the path after I was reading a book on cptsd and especially the different degrees to which people with cptsd might dissociate. I don't know all the terms in English but it's a continuum and they discovered while I was inpatient that I'm further along the continuum than had been thought up till then. It's not like you've got dissociation and do you have depersonalisation as well? It's more about to what depth the 'canyons' in between your Parts go. At least that's what it looks like in the diagram.

So anyway, acceptance is key. As I wrote myself in my Journal heading.

Today I was finally doing things that I've been wanting to do since before I went down with covid and certainly after I recovered, like laundry and hang it out, put my little furry lawnmowers out in the garden, sat in the garden writing in my paper Journal, did a little gardening, cleaned my garden table and chairs. Which is all much better than lying in bed shivering or lying in bed reading day and night. It's nice to enjoy the garden before it turns into a construction site which is going to happen in a few weeks or months. More likely weeks though, more's the pity.

One thing that I'm actually good at accepting that one of my Parts does is urinary incontinence, especially in the night. The workbook I have on all this dissociation stuff mentions that particular problem, which is encouraging to me since I've never read about it anywhere else. In the book they strongly suggest you're accepting of this because it's probably a pretty young Part. Just them suggesting wouldn't help me, but I've had this problem for quite a long time - it started up some time or other when I was doing work with Parts maybe 12 or 13 years ago. I don't have the problem all the time, but often enough to certainly add to my laundry. In daytime it's easier because I can communicate with the particular part and praise, praise, praise when she can hold on, but nighttime I don't wake up till it's too late. Strangely enough as a child I didn't have this problem at all. Maybe that's why it's easier for me to accept? There's no ICr. in the background.

I didn't contact about the upcoming visit till this evening but they're still on holiday. What I notice though is fear in my gut. Fear of inconveniencing someone (the child's mother not him), fear of letting somebody down - again more the mother than the child, although that's really wonky. Anyway I just wanted to note that for myself.

[Not Alone]

I love the care and kindness that you give to your little Part with urinary incontinence. Beautiful.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Not Alone

I woke up with a cold and I don't feel well. I'm Corona negative - have just tested. Unfortunately I said I'd teach 2 adults today, one of whom I cancelled last week. I've notified them but left it up to them to come or not. I noticed while responding to a couple of posts on here that I really don't feel well but I guess I'll pull through.

However. It really feels to me atm that I'm not going to get well. That it's time to make decisions about whether to give up my freelance work or not, i.e. to decide to. Unfortunately that's not an easy decision to make at all because for a whole slew of reasons I can't just go and get a very p/t job somewhere else. Just yesterday I saw an ad...

(One of the above students has offered to reschedule, relief).

Anyway just yesterday I saw a job ad to work as a p/t parcel delivery person with a special cargo bike and my heart leaped at that idea. But. Of course you have to be able to work a hand-held computer aka glorified smartphone and since I can't, it wouldn't work. Even if I could, I know it would take me a good while - too long of a while - to get the hang of it.  I do know my limitations, this isn't just an excuse. Though FOO would say so. But who cares what FOO thinks? I certainly shouldn't.

(My second student of the day is going to come, but I now have a few hours to go and lie down and rest.)

[Blueberry]

I had a good appt at my occupational T today. I didn't actually do anything, I just talked and sometimes the T said things and I listened. I felt heard and understood.

One thing I realise is I need a lot of encouragement. Theoretically of course I should be able to give it to myself or give it to my Parts. But that's the theory. What if that doesn't work in practice? Or shall we say that's an additional thing to work on, among 250 other things. That's probably a bit of an exaggeration because I've never actually counted what all needs to be worked on, but I do know that there are an awful lot. I know that on one of my early school report cards when I was about 6, the teacher wrote I needed a lot of encouragement, from home as well. So she knew - this wasn't just a school issue. Unfortunately my parents were not good at hearing that kind of information or doing anything about it.

Encouragement tends to come from my doctors, therapists and other people like that. Some encouragement used to come from friends, including no-longer-friends 1 and 2, but that stopped before I ended the friendships (so not as a result of ending the friendships per se). But it is clear to me that it's important who I spend time with so as not to get overly discouraged. Even people who are generally encouraging as opposed to disparaging are important for me. So long as they're not generally encouraging of self and others, but disparaging of me (like SIL2). But I wonder: is there ever going to be a time when I don't seem to need help and encouragement? I don't think anybody can answer that, but I do wonder.

My occup. T said I'm obviously very good at thinking about myself and my situation. I know for myself that when somebody like him listens and occasionally comments or asks a question, I can move beyond thinking and reflecting and come up with a realisation or two and then I feel as if I've come a bit unstuck   I don't yet have a big revelation or decision. But at least I'm taking mini-steps again, even if just going into the garden and picking grass for my furbabies or doing another 2 loads of laundry. But I also tidied a space for which I couldn't summon up the energy yesterday, but it was necessary in order for me to take a different step, which I have now also done.

What I was mostly talking about was the pros and cons of me continuing my little business. I haven't made a decision, but I do have more will to continue than I have for the past few days/weeks. It's encouraging for me to hear from somebody else that the work people do, and obviously the work I do, is not just about the money. For some people it may be. For some other people it may appear to be that way but if they dug deeper it might not actually be. My take-away is that it's not an easy decision and I want to allow myself more time, including more time when I'm not earning much like atm. My talk and the comments/questions from T helped me tease some of it apart so that I see the mini-decisions within the bigger topic. So I might in the end need a different resolution to mini-topic 1, but that doesn't mean I need to give up my little business as a whole.

Another thing though, which I remembered while writing 'my little business': it's important for me to acknowledge for and to myself what I have achieved. I didn't just 'try to' teach, I did teach successfully! I tend to downplay myself and my achievements simply with the words and expressions I use. I noticed this during occup. T too. It is important for me to continue to acknowledge what I did achieve! To really make it noticeable to myself so that it's not just words but really comes into my feelings.

On Thursday i have an appt with my psycho-T of long-standing. It was meant to be a final appt before I move on, but since I turned that other new T down, I am certainly hoping to be able to talk to him about my parents and the financial stuff that has been going on. Some of this is the topic: ongoing abuse. It probably won't be the absolute final appt after all. Maybe second last.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, Blueberry.  Sounds like your OT is a truly kind and helpful person to give you space and just listen. I think a lot of people could benefit from more positive encouragement, really. Hopefully you're getting more of that now as you need it.

[Armee]

You know reading your post I thought...I would feel honored to learn from you and would be very willing to sometimes have lessons called off or whatever you needed. I bet many of your students feel that way too...ok with a little inconsistency depending on how you're feeling.