Accepting Myself

[Not Alone]

 

[CactusFlower]

Hugs and echoing armee-  sounds like rest is on the menu.  Here's hoping you get what you need from it.

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody

I've been told it may be partly to do with having had Covid, that once you're no longer positive you then get hit with exhaustion.

But I also read in a book I'm meant to be working with on healing from dissociative disorder that hanging around doing more or less nothing is very counterproductive, because it means that I'm allowing only a particular part of me to thrive. The other Parts are all part of me, in fact I don't even think I'm even in my Adult of today. I'm certainly not acting in a self-accountable or responsible way atm.

But I also don't seem to be able to muster up the energy to act otherwise. I wish somebody else would just come and do everything. Or I wish time would stand still and then I wouldn't have to do anything. There would be no looming deadlines.

[Not Alone]

But I also read in a book I'm meant to be working with on healing from dissociative disorder that hanging around doing more or less nothing is very counterproductive, because it means that I'm allowing only a particular part of me to thrive.

I don't understand that.

Whether you are physically tired or emotionally tired, it sounds like your body is telling you something. (Just saying what I think my T would say.  ) It also sounds like some little Parts are around. Is there something you can do for them? I read books to my Littles sometimes. (YouTube has children's stories to listen to and to watch.)

Those are just my thoughts, Blueberry. Trust yourself. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I keep starting and rewording a thought to you but it isn't coming the way I hope.  I am here hoping you find the rest and support you need from moment to moment. 

[CactusFlower]

I agree with NotAlone, that part didn't make sense. I personally believe that we don't have to and honestly shouldn't be "on" or "productive" all the time. That causes burnout in many ways. We need off periods, rest time, lulls in productivity.  I would second maybe doing some quiet time activities with your Parts like stories, or coloring, or maybe even a solitary walk in the fresh air? Just a thought.  Gentle hugs if you want them, we're here for all of you.

[Papa Coco]

I agree too. We do not need to be on and productive all the time. We were raised in a world where lazy wealthy people convinced us common people to be their servants without even realizing it. The workers work 12 hours a day for barely enough money to survive while the bosses go golfing.

Our self-worth is all too often tied to the term "A good hard-working person". Well... BUNK on that! Can't I be a good not-so-hard-working person? What if we weren't meant to work and produce all day long? What if we could go back to the days without TV where we sat on the porch every evening with a corn-cob pipe and a harmonica and just watched the sunset every single evening?

My wife has turned me on to Jig Saw Puzzles. Being a major workaholic, I used to think they were a waste of time, but now I'm hooked. She's getting me connected with other people who like them too, so we can now share puzzles. We don't have to buy new puzzles all the time, (they can be expensive), We can swap puzzles with friends without having to buy new.

As humans, we HAVE THE RIGHT to chill and rest. I'm so sorry to hear that COVID hit you like it did. I haven't had it, but friends and neighbors and coworkers have been hit pretty hard and I have heard that it really, really knocks the soup out of you for a long time. 

I say, rest up and don't feel guilty about it. Being driven to always be "working" is a trick that was used on us so we'd do all the work so the rich could play golf and cruise around in the yachts and limos that we bought for them.

PS: Twice a year I sit down and watch my dvd of "Happy". It was a 2011 Documentary on the science of happiness. I think it's thought of as the first documentary ever on the topic. It's really good. Easy to watch. It's available for free on YouTube, either in full or in sections. Watching it twice a year really helps me to remember that happiness is achievable no matter how rich or poor or how healthy or ill we are: Here's a link to the Wiki description. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happy_(2011_film) 

[Blueberry]

We need off periods, rest time, lulls in productivity.  I would second maybe doing some quiet time activities with your Parts like stories, or coloring, or maybe even a solitary walk in the fresh air?

That's part of the point, tho undoubtedly my post wasn't very clear. Atm I'm doing lots of quiet time activities for one Part and ignoring the rest. I'm doing bookish/intellectual stuff. In so doing I'm ignoring the younger Parts that need colour and music and movement. I'm also ignoring the Adult parts in me that want to get actually get on with stuff.

Today I finally phoned somewhere where there seemed to be a deadline looming. It turned out that wasn't a deadline and so some of my 'leave-me-alone', 'I can't be bothered' left me.

The book I was referring to is: Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation by Suzette Boon et.al.

But I do hear all your care everybody, thank you 

[sanmagic7]

that balance can be awfully difficult to find, blueberry.  i struggle w/ it myself.  yesterday we had a lovely, fun day, but soon after my D left, i went into a distressed spiral.  so weird how this stuff works.  i know you'll figure it out eventually.  your awareness is showing, and that's the first step, right?  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I had a occupational T appt today and I didn't even go. I've just emailed them now, 12 hours too late.
I feel as if I have given up.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
You have E-mailed them, even though it was later than the appointment.  I know you feel like this at the moment, but maybe tomorrow will be different, and however it is - I notice the title of your journal 'accepting myself' and I think that sounds sensible - to accept yourself, and how you feel in any one moment.   

Blueberry, I care about you, and I want to send you a hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, your supportive words are finally getting through to me.
Yesterday i looked at one of your old Journals where you are talking about getting to know your different parts. That's the road I ought to be getting onto again but I just feel so - idk - fed up.

I got an answer from the occupational T this evening and he's very accepting of my situation including my non-show. The only thing he - rightly - doesn't accept is that I feel like giving up. He accepts that I said it and feel it but is offering me an appt next week even if I just go and spew out whatever is going on rather than doing any real occup. T. He's right about that so I will take him up on the offer.

[sanmagic7]

 

i'm not giving up on you, blueberry.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Blueberry.

[Armee]

OK I love your occupational T. 💛

Just the right response.

It is ok to feel like giving up, BB. I know you won't fully give up.