Rainy Journal 2022

sanmagic7 · August 20, 2022, 02:33:41 PM

i'm not surprised it's all taking its toll and you're feeling it now. sometimes it will take several months before the stress of everything is actually felt. i hope you can be gentle and patient w/ yourself, rainy, especially entering this new school year situation. that's a lot of stress in itself.

i like the idea that you may be more open lately, which is inviting people toward you rather than keeping them away. i hope you can keep it up. i love that your co-worker reached out to you and you were able to get needed info from her. way to go! love and hugs

rainydiary · August 21, 2022, 03:05:32 AM

Thank you San - I'm not actually surprised it is all taking a toll either...I just get frustrated when I feel like I am moving forward and then get stuck again. I am most worried about relationships with adults moving forward. That is what always comes to bite me. Thank you for supporting me.
.........
My husband left for his trip today. It was a surprisingly tender good bye. He didn't want to go and I wish he would have stayed if he wasn't up to it. But I know his dad wouldn't cancel or be understanding of my husband cancelling which is messed up. I hope my husband will stay safe and find his way along his path.

I feel a bit more connected with myself today. I am doing a yoga class with a teacher I really learn a lot from (Susanna Barkataki). I feel so whole when I learn from her. It makes me feel a little more prepared for this coming week.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow. I generally am holding a lot of fear.

Armee · August 21, 2022, 04:52:45 AM

I love that your goodbyes with H were more tender than expected.

rainydiary · August 22, 2022, 03:09:05 AM

Thank you Armee.

.........
Well, it is time to prepare for bed and to head back to work tomorrow.

I am not really ok but was able to have a relatively chill day.

I wish my husband was here as I think this will be harder than I realized.

My intention tomorrow is just to show up. That will be a big hurdle. It will take a while for routines to be established so the next few weeks will be tough.

sanmagic7 · August 22, 2022, 04:34:36 AM

rainydiary · August 23, 2022, 12:23:02 AM

Thank you San.
..........
Well, I survived one day. And I mean survived.

I slept relatively ok but not enough. I struggle with feeling pressed for time with sleep.

I had a good run this morning. It helps me to run or exercise before work.

I got to work ok and was able to find someone to show me where my workspace is.

The workspace is....ok. It is noisy and also very hot because it is an old building. I have my own space but the heat and noise were overwhelming today. Tomorrow I am bringing ear cancelling headphones.

I met the staff at this new school and while they were welcoming, it was weird. The principal started off by saying something very important to him (which he called a "treasure") is his "Lord and Savior." It seemed normal for the culture but it made me really uncomfortable because I don't feel like that is something an authority figure needs to be saying to their staff.

Then I found out that our district is short staffed for the position I have....which I think (actually know) means that I will be given more work. This more work will just be performative with the expectation I maintain compliance with paperwork. I am trying to not worry on it too much as I don't know any decisions will be made until next week when they see which students show up.

I am tired. I'm not sure if I am just not overreacting, shutting down, not caring, or what.

Armee · August 23, 2022, 05:35:28 AM

Maybe not caring is ok. I know you'll care when the kids are in front of you and will do everything you can for them. The rest of it...not caring seems like a good way to protect yourself. You can only do so much.

rainydiary · August 23, 2022, 12:27:10 PM

Thank you Armee - I am trying to feel there is only so much I can do.
........
I slept rough last night. I had just fallen into sleep and a neighbor's barking dog woke me up. This type of waking is my worst enemy as it leaves me feeling groggy no matter how much sleep I end up getting.

As I tried to fall sleep, anxiety coursed through my body.

I am dismayed that I already feel so overwhelmed and it has been one day.

A few things I didn't add yesterday - I had happened to check my email before work yesterday and I'm glad I did. I had received more concrete information from my direct supervisors of meetings and things they wanted me to do. It was sent at 4:30 on Friday afternoon which is ridiculous.

My friend that I have felt disconnected from and I were able to connect a bit yesterday. I'm not sure if it helped, maybe a little.

rainydiary · August 25, 2022, 03:44:40 AM

I have survived three days. The next two will be a challenge. Just boring and not a good use of my time. At least it will give me a break from my new workspace which is so noisy I am not sure how I am going to make it.

I am feeling achy and scared today. In a week I have a doctor appointment and a lot of questions. I am always afraid something is wrong with me that I won't be able to cope with.

I haven't slept well this week and just feel unwell.

CactusFlower · August 25, 2022, 03:57:08 PM

gentle hugs, Rainy. I am all too familiar with how disordered sleep can make one feel. Hoping it gets better for you.

rainydiary · August 26, 2022, 03:40:55 AM

Thank you CF - I am distressed at how quickly bags have shown up under my eyes. I slept a bit better last night but it is up and down.
........
I have made it four days.

Today was good because I spent the day with a colleague from last year. She is supportive and listens to me and also asks me for help from time to time.

Today was hard because we started our day outside at a kick off meeting. These are common events where we all come together to be "inspired." It was so hot and the sun was shining directly on us. I did my best to just notice how I felt and not react, but the heat took a toll.

I did enjoy the keynote speaker as they were inspiring. What they inspire in me doesn't feel possible in my current situation and that makes me feel upset.

The rest of the day was spent in a meeting led by the district leaders for the department my work falls under. I realized today that what bothers me is how inauthentic they are. They say words but don't mean them and it bugs me.

I got really overwhelmed being around so many people today. I had some stilted interactions with a colleague today that I have to work closely with. I was awkward with her because I am was overwhelmed and I am still expecting that my work assignment will change and I don't want to give so much energy to the current arrangement. She can tell me all she wants that she doesn't think things will change - I don't believe her.

I have a headache before bed which is so uncomfortable. I hope to feel better in the morning. One more day of pointless meetings (for now).

sanmagic7 · August 26, 2022, 05:36:34 AM

good luck w/ those upcoming meetings, rainy. hope you get more 'real' people to listen to. love and hugs

rainydiary · August 27, 2022, 03:55:40 AM

Thank you San.

.........
Whew, one week down.

Today was relatively chill. I realized that while a lot of my ill feelings this week were stress related, they were also hormonal.

Today a colleague called me into a conversation as she remembered something I said earlier in the week. I felt heard today by two people.

I also feel conflicted as one of those people holds a credential and training that I have grown averse to based on my learnings. I don't think this person sees their training as in conflict with their advocacy. I think a lot of training programs and credentials are based on really biased views of humans, including my training. Right now I am reminding myself that we are all at different places on a journey and I still have more learn too.

I hope I can rest this weekend. It's only going to keep getting harder and more complicated. I am feeling really vulnerable for how freely I expressed myself today.

I am wishing my husband home sooner than he is coming. He is progressing through the trip which is becoming more about his dad than anything else. He has stayed in better touch with me than he typically does on trips - we have come a long way in our communication.

I wish I didn't feel much shame on Fridays as I begin to rest from my week. I made it one week and have 41 more to go until this school year is over.

Hope67 · August 27, 2022, 05:27:37 PM

Hi Rainydiary,
Well done for getting through this first week back at work, I know it was challenging, and I was thinking of you at different points in the week and wondering how you were getting on. I really hope you're able to get some rest this weekend, and it's nice to hear that your husband has been more communicative regarding his trip, and I hope he gets back home again soon, so you can enjoy time back with him.

I know you mentioned that you are feeling really vulnerable for how freely you expressed yourself today, but I very much hope that you are able to rest easier with that feeling, and I hope that you are able to get the rest you hope to have this weekend.

Take care

Hope

rainydiary · August 29, 2022, 03:25:19 AM

Hope, I appreciate the care and support. I was able to rest this weekend and will take each day of week 2 as they come.

.........
My weekend was good. It was nice to not have any demands and to do what I wanted.

I am feeling incredibly emotional and don't fully understand it.

I am rewatching a show I watched over 10 years ago. It is interesting to consider the influence it had on me at a younger age and how I experience it now.

I am experiencing grief related to the pandemic. I keep thinking of a time before we all went through that. It's also hard because it doesn't feel over. I haven't gotten COVID and am wondering how long before I do as people at work aren't wearing masks really anymore.

I had an acupuncture appointment today and don't think I'll go back to see this person again. Another person making comments about how "messed up" my shoulder is. I am now stressed at how much stress my shoulder holds. I struggle because my shoulder does not limit me in doing anything in my daily life and thus I don't want to talk to a physician about it.

I am not looking forward to this week. The next two days will be overwhelming as they are "back to school" nights at my schools. I am also feeling overwhelmed because I reflect how easy it is to judge others in ways I don't want to be judged. I am already exhausted at the idea of navigating socially this week.