dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thanks Phil 

Thanks Larry 

Am doing ok though I did get covid again, but luckily it wasn't as bad as the first time. I think things are coming up in a different way, maybe different parts of my brain are being activated and I'm looking at things in a new way. I was speaking to T about growing up in the house when my mom would be partying and bringing people back. I was recalling the people and that time but it wasn't as if I was looking at it from the end of a very long telescope, some feelings were present but not in an unmanageable way. I guess I was connected to the memory not just remembering it which is interesting.

Also have been reading Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate. So, much of what he's writing feels like me. Although, I think I've learned to live with this "condition" for so long that I've also figured out ways to manage it but I do relate to a lot of what he's writing about. The intensity of being around people, having no time for small talk, not being able to fully rest but also not being able to fully concentrate; impulsivity and overtly sensitive to rejection. Also, how much of what I've learned to do is masking and how much is me? I like that he thinks of the condition similar to impaired eyesight - it's not bad or good, it just functions differently. I feel like I'm taking my brain out of its box and seeing why I did/do something in a new way. I think it fills me with less panic that something is wrong, that I did something wrong when I'm looking at it this way. I think I'm pretty thankful that I'm not going to white knuckle through my genetics/upbringing any more.

I messaged my aunt and haven't heard back. I haven't checked to see if she read the message. I've never talked about my dad'd death a lot. There is a big reaction around suicide and I think I learned it was more exhausting managing what I felt like were peoples' reactions to suicide and their own feelings around it than it was to talk about it. I don't think this is a big factor with her but I know she still misses my dad. I can't believe I never would think (who would? who knows about this stuff?) that bipolar and suicide can be linked? I guess psychiatrists do but it was never talked about in my family or that these things were heritable. I went through my CACNA1C SNPs which are calcium channels known to be related to bipolar, schizophrenia, ADD and MDD and am heterozygous in all of them except one. Gabor Mate is trying to make the point that our genetics don't predetermine something but highlight a predisposition to it and I think that's a good way to look at it. If there is something that is inherited, how much time and effort have I spent thinking that it's me and something I've done?

Anyways, looking forward to some souvlaki chicken tonight Can't wait to go back to the gym.

[Armee]

Hi Dolly,

So very glad you are feeling better and this round of covid was not as bad.

I hope your aunt does open up and talk to you. I've noticed the same thing as you with suicide. Even when we are open to talking about it, it brings so much reactivity from others that it shuts the conversation off from helping you process the person's death.

[sanmagic7]

dolly,

i totally believe in the predisposition theory, both for addictions (as you mentioned elsewhere) and the way our brains respond to mental/emotional abuse.  there is a lot of both in my extended family.  i found it helpful in taking a lot of blame off myself for my D1 and her issues, as well as the blame and shame game for myself.  thanks for sharing this.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Thanks Armee - I think the reality is is that my aunt just isn't as savvy with social media messengers as I thought haha. Unfortunately, I think suicide is deemed a sin by many religions and regardless if people are religious or not, this is still in the public subconscious whether they want to unpack it or not. Telling them it's a result of genetics (or evolution) might just bring another wall as this science is being contested.

Thanks San  I'm sorry. Suicide leaves a giant hole and many emotions, questions, feelings regardless of why it happened but I'm glad that predisposition helped you reframe it. I don't know if you've read Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate, and it is about ADHD, but he discusses his family and ADHD in his own children. He describes his own family as loving but kids are sensitive, and if that predisposition is there, then it sets the epigenetic effect in motion. Also, to not blame himself when he was unaware that any of this was going on (that he had ADHD).

I'm learning that dopamine helps with fear extinction and socialization/wanting to be around people. Through health stuff lowering my neurotransmitter production and being genetically predisposed to faulty dopamine receptors/low dopamine production it's pretty mindblowing that I've felt those things for a lot of my life.

I've also learned that having cervical instability can lead to vagus nerve dysfunction (our centre for fight or flight) because it can be compressed. I always have tension in the side of my neck and learned that it's likely cervical instability as it's in the same area. Interestingly, T has talked about doing some deep brain reorienting lately and it too is related to tension in the neck and shoulders. I"m going to see a chiropractor and do the DBR with T and hopefully both these help too. After listening to a talk on gut bacteria, and how when we're born the gut bacteria we have predisposes us to develop asthma/allergies (inflammation/cytokines crossing the blood brain barrier), I wonder if it's possible to be born with low vagal tone?

Dissociation, Anxiety and Depression – Uncontrolled emotion in cervical spine instability patients
https://www.caringmedical.com/prolotherapy-news/dissociation-anxiety-depression-uncontrolled-emotion-cervical-spine-instability-patients/

Emotional stress: Anxiety, Depression and Panic Attacks: A neurologic and psychiatric like condition caused by cervical spine instability
https://www.caringmedical.com/prolotherapy-news/neurology-like-conditions-caused-cervical-spine-instability-vagal-ganglion-neuron-destruction/#:~:text=The%20blood%20flow%20to%20and,a%20person%20has%20cervical%20instability.

[Larry]

hope you are doing well

[dollyvee]

Thanks Larry  I'm staying busy and working a lot.

The chiropractor was incredible. After she worked on my neck I just sort of lay on the table adjusting to the new feelings sensations coming up. There was no tension in my body and driving home I didn't get upset driving in traffic like I always do. I could feel myself getting stressed by people who I felt were manipulative or "over-powering" in their way but my body didn't react. I was supposed to see her a few days later but the appointment was moved because of work. Really looking forward to the new one in a couple days.

Babies can be born with low vagal tone and that presents as colic. Both my brother and I had colic as babies. It's also a sign of chronic stress in babies. I had been wondering if having low vagal nerve function can cause the feelings in my neck  what came first essentially, but I don't think these things can be separated that way. Lots of emotions are coming up around babies lately. When I started taking a supplement, I read the FDA report and it showed MRI (?) /coloured brain imaging of peoples' brains before and after starting the supplement. Their brains were lighting up in new areas after their study finished and I wonder if my brain is lighting up in new ways too now? That there's things coming up that haven't before. I took a course this week with a rinpoche and he talked about the mind searching the body and body searching the mind in order to find the clear light.

A friend of a friend was volunteering at an orphanage in the Ukraine and explained how there was a baby with only a scrap of fabric with the only known details about them written on it. I really broke down when I saw that and again when I explained it to T. There was something about that baby's distress or imagining a baby in distress that came over me. T asked me about my birth and I don't know what happened. My m never talked about stuff like this.

Work is trucking along. I find myself reorienting my feelings toward myself in social situations with an understanding about ADD. How I would try to hold in my comments or what I was saying, and instead of thinking there was something wrong with me for doing that, to understand where it was coming from, and to not take peoples' reactions to it personally. I think it's still something I would like to know/navigate better.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
It's great to hear that your chiropractor appointment has been helpful.  It sounds like it had a significant result. 



Hope 

[Armee]

Offering you hugs if they are comfortable and wanted...
......

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate you sharing about the topic of babies.  I had colic too and appreciate more and more I was so stressed even as a baby.  My parents' trauma and stress was already impacting me.  I've had babies on the mind too - I hope you are able to comfort your baby self.  Sometimes I imagine holding my baby self. 

[Larry]

hi dolly

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope, Armee, Rainy, and Larry

I had my second chiro appointment and it worked on different things. Although, I think I am still feeling relaxed from the first one - my anxiety/stress while driving feels like it's still down. Also feeling more relaxed and less "amped up" when things get stressful at work. I do think the supplements are helping as well. I'm starting to feel more social, like I actually want to go out and hang out with people. There's stuff that comes up but overall I feel more relaxed in my body is a good way to look at it.

Some stuff did come up at the chiro's office during the second appointment. At the time, I don't think I really paid attention to my parts, or what was going on internally because the last session was so helpful, but I think there was something going on. Maybe it was someone touching me or that I was getting rid of things/behaviours that kept me safe and I didn't check in first. When people, even friendly people that I like, are sharing or just talking, it's fine as long as it's at an emotional distance but when things get too "close," maybe physically or emotionally, I feel that I dissociate (?) or my brain just panics or goes into a fog.

T and I talked more about doing deep brain reorienting and I can see how it would be beneficial. I can also see how it would bring up a lot of stuff which she is aware of. I feel like my body moves in certain ways in response to things, that there is a programmed response to emotions. The chiropractor appointments have made me more aware of this and that at night for example, I want to twist my neck in certain ways, but I don't really feel the need to do so.

There's also more feelings coming up around relationships. It popped into my head the other day that when the idea of dating someone comes up, or being close to that person, my brain automatically starts setting up "ideals" or some sort of fantasy relationship - I don't really know how to describe it. I guess it's a way of keeping things at a distance and not really allowing myself to come out. That this is how the ideal "me" would be in a relationship, or this is what this person "expects" me to be or I would be like. It's wild because I don't really know how to turn it off, it's just something automatic that happens.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I'm glad that your second appointment went so well, there are lots of positives that you've described there. 

It's interesting to read about the body moving in certain ways in response to things.  I have also read things in other places about the programmed response to emotions.  I think it's great that your chiropractor appointments are making you more aware of those things.

Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope 

Both of these things, the supplements and the chiropractor, are having an underlying but discernable effect of my overall mood and state of mind. It's subtle at times so I don't really notice it but I do think it's there. I felt positive the other day about tackling things which came up and just about myself and trying new things. I haven't felt that in a long time. I've got a mycotoxin test that I'm sending away and I really hope it's not an issue but I have a feeling like it is.

I've been playing some solfeggio frequencies and had a couple "reactions" to them. Normally, I play them in the car to try and calm me in traffic but I tried them on with headphones and had a much more profound experience. I noticed I was ruminating about a conversation I had the previous day with someone and when I became aware of that and let it go, I started to notice movement in my hand and neck from side to side. I bet my heart rate would have been up there, and it felt like I was in flight, running trying to get away from something, but I let it happen. Afterwards, I felt kind of tired. The other one, was a different movement, in my shoulder, and was a twitching as soon as I put it on. But when stuff like this happens, it's scary because I don't know where it's coming from. Maybe a part of me feels like it's in danger or can't let this stuff go because I don't know what will happen.

When I put the frequency the a second time, I thought maybe there was a part who would numb things and feel like things were ok no matter what was happening (because it is too much to feel if not?). I'm realizing writing this that there's probably an intellectual part in between these things "realizing" them. I'm not sure what's stopping me from connecting with my parts directly.

T and I were talking about my gf and gm the other day and I connected how he was an alcoholic as well, both were addicts of different things. Except there was no recognition of there is/was a problem. They hid it and pretended everything was fine and that really did a number on me. My other gm was also an alcoholic but it wasn't so emotionally entangled. She just did her thing every night. With these gps, it was why don't you love me, take care of me when we can't admit what's actually happening, and are essentially lying to ourselves and everyone else. I couldn't just accept it because it meant putting myself on hold even though I can see that they were/are probably in pain. I guess I'm coming to terms with there's nothing I can/could do for them, it's not me to do it, but I also don't feel like I could have a relationship then because there's no reciprocity. Maybe I will read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts that Hope has liked.

[CactusFlower]

Dolly- really resonated with your feeling better after a chiropractor visit. I had those years ago and kind of recall a little emotion being brought up/released after a good session. Just proves how much body and mind are connected again, right? I was curious about these solfeggio frequencies and looked it up. Glad you talked about this! The science is fascinating and I'm listening to some right now. It really is quite calming so far. (you can find anything on youtube, LOL) Another useful tool. Hope it continues to work for you as well. gentle hugs if you want them.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Cactus - I wish my experiences with the solfeggio frequencies were as relaxed as yours  I was at a friend's yesterday whose partner is a therapist and mentioned them. He said it's what they're now using to put babies to sleep. I logged on today to talk about what happened with them last night.

I listened to these frequencies (the 528hz and 2hz deep delta sleep) before going to bed last night. I feel like if I shut my brain off, I can find them relaxing but if I'm "open" them I start twitching and my head just moves back and forth, or my shoulder will move, arm etc. It also felt like my legs were trying not to move (?) and I could feel it in my hip which is funny because I have pain in that hip. I feel freaked out in a way by this stuff happening - I don't know where it's coming from/when it will stop etc. But maybe that's part of the feeling coming up itself. Sometimes when I'm going with it and trying to let it happen, I feel like I'm maybe forcing it because I don't want to feel it. Other thoughts were coming up like this is what is (was?) under me acting like a clown and maybe this is what I'm hiding from when I go into "fantasy" mode.

I woke up refreshed but I had a really vivid dream. I was around my old school where I went while I was living with my m and sf. Sometimes I go there in dreams but I haven't thought about it for a while. I had put four animals in a cage and took them out and saw that there were two kittens, a dog that turned into this weightlifter (macho type? my sf is one of those 80s bodybuilder guys which and it's kind of ironic that I'm into weights now; maybe I feel like I'm reclaiming that) guy who told me that he ate the pheasant that was in there. When I looked up pheasant in the dream dictionary it said it symbolized motherhood and nuturance. That's really what felt like what was happening at that time. I did wake up later than usual today and felt pretty refreshed, but didn't want to take my supplements this morning.

I was also talking with my friend yesterday about subconscious desires to reenact things and how even though we consciously don't want things in our lives, we replay the same stuff. I feel like I keep getting drawn into situations with bullies, and another happened this week at work, but I called him on it and he gaslighted me. I realized how familiar but also how wild it is when it's happening. So, is this frequency bringing up this stuff with people like that and I have to work it out in a new way? I looked it up before and it corresponds to domination/being under others' control/ not having free will.

I've been busy with work and would like to comment more on your guys' journals. I think I'm also processing things right now.