dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thanks Cactusflower - I think it's fitting in a way. This stuff is bubbling up from somewhere. 

I noticed that the "surprises" I've been having lately about my m/sf/gym stuff probably have something to do with the feelings around them. I didn't have a way to process these feelings, so they were shut out. I don't know if that's dissociation because they're sort of popping up and even though I know the conscious association between working out and my body image (how it must affect me), it still feels like a surprise. These fearful feelings probably/might come from a very young place too where I didn't know how to deal with/articulate how my m behaved towards me, or deal with things that didn't feel safe.

T and I talked about what my m said to me as a young child and what my sf did/said as well. I think I'm scared (?) of those feelings or worried that I will be overwhelmed and it's not something I can control, so I shut them out. Even in some IFS journey's there were so overwhelming that I walled them up. I think I have been processing this and it's helpful to remember that it's fear, or what it is, and see where it's coming from. I'd like to be able to sit with this more.

This week I really, really saw how much my diet affects my mental/emotional health and overall mood. I think it's such an important connection and have spent a lot of time thinking it must be me and not seeing the connection. I knowingly ate gluten and have seen big mood changes but never realized how deep it went. I wanted to do a little test and I also wanted that piece of salt & pepper squid. The next morning I woke up ravenously craving sugar and had no self control with it. I felt timid at the gym, like worried about the people, not feeling strong enough/believing in myself enough to deal with their negativity. I also noticed that I kind of went into a depression, I was eating more junk and not really caring about why and felt really pessimistic about it. It's so different from the last three weeks because I've really enjoyed eating healthy, and if I want to have a bit of sugar/chocolate I will, but was also craving eating healthy and this completely obliterated that.

I went onto the reddit and there were posts about how peoples' behaviour changed with gluten. I always knew that it made me "hate the world" and go quite dark the next day, but never really connected it to some of the things they were saying before like how irritable it can make you and the impact on your friendships. I think just think back on an ex and how little emotional control I had and how similar it is to these people saying how there are completely different.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I am wishing you well as you navigate body and eating things. 

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Really interesting to hear about your experiences with gluten and emotions, and I also wish you the best in navigating your way through these realisations.  I have a tendency to comfort eat, but I've never really thought about the actual content of the food I eat.   

I was hoping to say more, but for some reason I am running out of words, so I'll just send you a hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Rainy and Hope  After the past month and a half of eating relatively well (4/5 small meals during the day with some sugar but less processed stuff), it was very noticeable that something was off.

My brain is starting to come back online now and starting to feel better. It was such a marked difference to how I was feeling before and I noticed that some of the things I thought were normal thinking  growing up (apathy? to feel down, a little bit of it must be me), reared their heads during this episode. I hadn't had those thoughts in quite a while which makes me think it's whatever the gluten does to me, or how it plays out in my body at then moment (with whatever deficiency etc is happening).

I did do some more digging about methylation and it's fascinating. Apparently our bodies will find a way to produce sulfate if those pathways are lacking, even if it means having to produce hydrogen sulfide, which I have a lot of. Will see what the doctor says. Maybe I wasn't given him enough credit, but I think he will check the liver enzymes to see if something is off, not the actual detox/methylation pathways and enzymes related to those. I will bring all this up with the fmp too. Some of the issues related to methylation are things my dad had (and his side of the family - migraines, psoriasis, Bi polar, OCD) and my mom's side too (allergies, autoimmune). I've always had white spots on my nails even as a kid. Anyways, lots of speculation but am curious how it affects my mental state and all the neurotransmitters it breaks down etc. If my body is not functioning right,  maybe it shuts down the cognitive parts that are processing the CPTSD.

My gf texted the other night and I've been ignoring it. I don't really want to approach that one right now.

[dollyvee]

So I've been playing around with different vitamin supplements to see how I feel/react to changes in my methylation cycle. Somethings have been great (more connected/feeling spontaneous emotion, happy) and some not so good (more manic/ADHD symptoms). It's sort of hitting me much much this up and down has probably been with me for a lot of my life, but maybe have taken it on as "wrong with me," and therefore bad. 

I'm just waffling here but I've had a lot of the symptoms of impaired methylation since a child - allergies, asthma (high histamines/histamines not being cleared); attention-seeking (perhaps a spectrum of ADHD, lack of focus); have picked a job that doesn't have a normal "routine" as I thought it was something I would fit well with and felt like too much routine could get boring. I think ADHD is a catchall for a lot of behaviour and it's a spectrum, but there were definite periods I remember growing up where I couldn't focus, but I had too there was no other option if I didn't do well in school. I was suppressing this to live up to my family's expectations and what they felt I should be like. If I didn't, then there must be something wrong with me, or some great misfortune would befall me. I never really stopped to look at what that misfortune might be or where it was coming from. I can see how my mom's behaviour towards me as a child/infant in the womb (and all that she had to go through) influenced this, maybe keeping me in a high state of stress (keeping homocystine high? and further embedding these feelings?)

I remember being shouted at by my fourth grade teacher for interrupting the class. I don't know if I mentioned that before, but it's something that comes up once in a while. She brought my mom in to talk about my excessive attention seeking. Of course my m didn't do anything, or I interpreted it as I was "bad." I looked back on it as acting out because of all the things that were going on with my m and sf at the time and it was a behaviour that I had to control when I couldn't talk about any of the things that were going on. Not that the teacher or my m would listen. Was there something going on physically that also kept me active? It's a fine line - where does our emotional and physical reactions to situations start and end? I think I grew up in the preADHD era where physical imbalances affecting the emotional state weren't considered (not that they really are more now?). As child though, we/I take it on as it's us and there's something wrong with who I am.

Perhaps my insomnia in university can also be attributed to this - high stress, lack of focus. It has felt that I had to learn how my brain works in order to do things, like organization and ordering of tasks/making sense of things wasn't always easy and happened in a different way to other people. Anyways, interesting to see what results come back from the doctor.

[rainydiary]

What a lot to explore - I hope that you learn information that is supportive to you.

[Armee]

I felt a lot of these same symptoms too DollyVee amd only now see how they are offshoots of trauma. It's interesting what you are learning about the physical impacts of all that stress and distress.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Rainy - it's a very interesting detour https://www.nature.com/articles/jhg201723?WT.feed_name=subjects_epistasis

Thank you Armee - I'm not sure if it's semantics but I don't see it as all caused by trauma. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. We're given a genetic blueprint when we're born (including generational trauma responses) and then the environment we grow up in (trauma, nutrition, chemical, mold, toxic exposure, positive attachments etc) start to determine how those genes are expressed. I think I would find it hard to say how I feel is just because of the trauma, or the anxiety I'm experiencing is just because of trauma, even though I thought that for a while

Soooo there's a lot of overlap between physical and mental health I think for me. I've learned that I'm genetically susceptible to high levels of inflammation and histamines. One of the factors to watch out for is chronic stress. I can see how this would have been an issue as a kid and the environment I grew up in. There's also other genetic tags which make me susceptible to the link between anxiety and inflammation. Cytokines also cross the blood brain barrier, and inflammation impacts the way your mind works. I've only started to look at it but Histamine 3 receptors also impair memory. I'm also genetically susceptible to GI infections and I think h pylori and other infections had their part in it too which causes more inflammation. I might also be susceptible to chronic inflammatory syndrome which means I don't really detox anything.

Looking over the MAO enzyme I saw the below and how much it sounded like my mother. Unfortunately, the 23nd me doesn't give me my MAO and am looking into another test.  Of course, all these enzymes work together and don't think it comes down to one thing or the other, but a combination of all factors. She had quite a few of these:

Allergies (allergies are more common with MAO-B risk alleles)
Psychopathic disorders
Schizophrenia5, 6
Alcoholism1, 11
Nicotine dependence in women1
Panic disorders2
Obsessive compulsive disorder3, 11
Bipolar disorder4
Novelty-seeking personality
Sleep disorders
Fibromyalgia
Antisocial personality disorder in women7
Aggressive behavior8,11
ADHD in females9
Social phobia11
Hypertension11
Difficulty experiencing and expressing love11
Allergies (this is only with the risk allele for the MAOB gene)

If anyone is interested in going through it, I think this is a good resource:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07BVWYXGD/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

[Armee]

That makes a lot of sense, DollyVee. I'm sorry I should only speak for myself. It does sound like there's a combination of genetic and environmental stuff going on for you. I just meant for me, the medical treatments didn't help much but dealing with the traumas is helping. Things like bladder issues, gi infections, vitamin deficiencies, muscle and joint pain, migraines, numbness, gyn issues, confusion, etc. But that is just me and I wish you some relief however you can find it.

[Larry]

sending you some positive vibes,    i hope you have a good day

[dollyvee]

Thanks Armee - I'm sure you're coming from a good place. As I said before, I'm glad you found something that works for you but it hasn't worked for me. 6 years in therapy, making good progress (as noted by t) with a good t working on my trauma with EMDR etc and my physical symptoms have still persisted. So am open to exploring other things that help

Thanks Larry - 

So it's been an interesting archaeological road trip through past states of mind fuelled by different vitamins. I feel like I'm taken back to times in my life when I remember feeling the same way. Hopefully, with a little more insight into why. Perhaps a lot of this procrastination, which looking back, there was a lot of, is coming to the forefront and has always been much more present then I realized but could offset it by being hyper-focused when I needed to, steeling myself and getting it done. My family wanted me to study and accomplish things or I was being lazy. There was no space to explore this or even consider it an option. I always had to make it work. I do space out a fair bit and move from one thing to another but living alone I have my ways of doing things and don't really have to explain it.

I've also noticed that when I did switch gears into getting things done mode, I sort of lost the capacity to think about the meals I would need to eat or plan what I wanted to eat to be healthy, and that was familiar too. It just seemed really foreign when I had been doing it a few weeks before. It took me back to a time at university when I felt I was so focused on making my family happy and living the life that they wanted me to that I forgot about me, which is when I decided to switch degrees. Looking at it now, maybe it was (or partly) related to a neurotransmitter imbalance? That the getting things done mode wasn't just me being unhappy because I felt the trauma (which I didn't know was trauma then) of playing out my role in our dysfunctional family.

[dollyvee]

The more I read about the symptoms/effects of ADHD, the more they make sense for me:

Lack of motivation to clean/get things done = executive dysfunction
Sensitivity to noise/other people being near me
being late for appointments sometimes for therapy (a few years ago when I had to be there in person); felt like maybe I was sabotaging myself at the time
remember telling T that when I listen to people, it's like I have to reorganize the information that makes sense to me; ADHD ppl usually have problems with listening
People with ADHD (study was with children) are 10x more likely to get bullied as they come across as nervous or fearful, and can be impulsive

Came across a study on PTSD in children and that they can be from more disadvantaged households because there are overlapping stresses on parents (economic, social etc). I think it made me realize how much I felt like I had to hide aspects of myself and history so I wouldn't be judged (although I'm sure I still was) and I could have some sort of accomplishment. Well not really accomplishment but just going out and being my own person, normal everyday stuff; what you see everyone else doing.

My family reinforcing success (whatever that looked like?) only helped dissociate me/disorient me from what was actually happening physically and mentally I think because I didn't understand it. I can't not finish papers - what's going on with me, I'm not that person etc. I have to be NORMAL, why can't I be like everyone else. I remember in therapy my two t's would tell me not to be hard on myself but I always felt like I had to push and I think part of it was just trying to manage how to focus and do things like "a normal person." i had to go through years of wrestling with myself and dealing with it must be me before I finally started learning about NPD and CPTSD. It's helped dealing with the trauma and processing a lot of that stuff, having a better idea of what success looks like for me, that I can accomplish things, and I'm not a bad person. I think now that I'm in a better place I can see that some of the things (not cleaning up) are maybe related to trauma in a different way and that my mind is just disorganized. I think I've done a good job of managing it so far and don't know if I would have done the same if I knew. Would a diagnosis have limited my thinking? Would it have been shameful? Maybe I would have taken offence to someone trying to label me as something as if I was defective. But looking at it now, I think it helps to know how I relate to other people and understand better how my mind works.

[dollyvee]

Had a chat with my fmp yesterday and she's on board with my experimenting. I need to take out the iron but the research/dosage etc didn't raise any flags or concerns for her. I started taking lithium orintate yesterday and it feels pretty, pretty good. It supposedly helps with anxiety and everything feels quite mellow today in my mind, my word recall doesn't seem as bad either but I haven't been speaking as much. It helps the B9 and B12 enter your cells. Not the THE lithium.

I've been thinking about my dad and the bipolar running in that side of the family and links between methylation and neurotransmitter imbalance and suicide. I don't think it's so simple as suicide is the result of vitamin/enzyme deficiencies but what if it was that simple? My dad's own childhood trauma played a big part in how he developed but maybe it wasn't everything and it's not how strong or weak you are to handle these things.  I don't even know what to think about that. I'm going to mention it to my aunt I think.  I don't really want to upset her, I know she misses my dad.

[paul72]

hi dollyvee
just wanted to send support and best wishes as you navigate through this.  it sounds difficult

[Larry]

hi dolly,   i hope you are doing well.