dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thank you Larry  it was ok. Hope you are doing well.

Thank you for your comment rainy. I think I was pretty alone on that side of the family even though there was the illusion I wasn't. I don't really frame it in that way though that I'm an odd person to others. Perhaps in the past I did (?) but I think it's more abandoning/hurtful to me to be focused on what they think about me. From a feeling perspective, it's about feeling a lack of connection that is there in family and again in personal relationships which then I maybe feel like an outsider because of it. But am still working out exactly what this is.

Previously when I did an ifs journey, I had my mother show up as an inner critic. I'm wondering if that feeling of "outside myself" is coming from that.  The feelings that have been coming up have left me feeling more in my body, which never really felt "safe" before. There was always something wrong with feeling pleasure (from food etc). T related that that's because they're coming from a young place. Maybe that's why I feel overwhelmed/unsafe when they do come up.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your clarification.  I also have a challenge with finding the words to
describe - I resonate with what you share.  I hope you find some ease of feeling in your body as well as feeling pleasure. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy  I do try and make sure I am taking someone else's view into account and like to see things from someone else's POV. I was just in a place (and probably still am to a certain degree) of thinking there must be something wrong with me for so long.

Going over the scenario of "making friends" or getting to know someone last night in my head, and saw how unsafe I feel/felt doing that; that there's something in the back of my mind where I would just be worried about the future - what if we had fun and I drank or this happened, what would it have repercussions etc? It's a lot of fear/pressure there.

Also, thinking about how if I felt those things from a young age, it must mean that those conditions or illusions about love/care formed from an early age. How did I maintain "the way my heart works" from that age, to love or care for people in the way I do? From that age? I do feel like I have to be "in truth" or love from this place but it's not easy. Like Blueberry I feel like I am too being difficult for doing this when I am being true to myself.

[dollyvee]

Going through accounts from last year and got a timeline of the last year at work and how stressful it was/is to deal with those things. It also made me reflect on Rainy's comment and things coming up around that. I guess at times I could rub people the wrong way. I also think that going through these traumas have given me more awareness (or sensitivity?) to transgressions when they happen. Other people are ok with a generally sexist working environment and I find it very difficult to handle. At times I do think why can't I fit in like others, why does this bother me so much?  I wish I could just let it roll off me. It's hard to see these things from someone else's perspective.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I agree with you that it's difficult to look at things from someone else's perspective.  I sense that you do have more awareness and sensitivity, as that comes through from what you've said.  Sorry that you had a generally sexist working environment to contend with.  That's tough and understandably difficult to handle.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope  I watched part of.a series with someone who grew up in a refugee camp and then became the Rwandan president and he said how could you not do something after seeing this happen...not that I think this is a genocide but think these things stick with you when you've been through something. I'm going to try not to be hard on myself about it.

I have this kind of strange maybe dissociated (?) feeling right now. I don't know what it is. At the gym the other day and the guy called me "big" and after a while feelings about my sf came up but it was a surprise? I know the things he said about me being fat as a kid but it's not like I feel these things at the gym or see that as being the reason I exercise.

So right now after three weeks of cutting calories I should be down around 1.5-2kgs but am down nothing in weight or bf. I would say there's an error with the scale but my measurements haven't really reduced either. I've been through this before with doctors over the last 10 years, saying there's nothing with my test results, that I'm fine etc. Now I can see it being related to my SIBO, low pancreatic enzymes creating high insulin, low zinc levels etc and am trying to address that. I guess I'm feeling not great about myself or having to deal with this, and it came up again, in a somewhat dissociated way, the connection between my mom calling me ms. piggy and how I react to my body. Or maybe the connection to me eating and what I eat has something to do with my body. There's so much fat shaming, image obsession in life where how you look is equivalent to your will power/personal responsibility etc. too. I guess the dissociated feeling is just me trying to deal with the emotions that come up around this. I'm not 100% sure what I'm blocking.

[dollyvee]

Things falling a bit more into place health wise and found studies linking covid to pancreatic function and increased cases of diabetes after covid. Makes sense that it would further affect my already low functioning pancreatic enzymes that were low due to SIBO.

I guess this is on my mind a lot as I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow that I have been putting off. Am tired of hearing there's nothing wrong with you and am just steeling myself to deal with it again, getting all the information in place that I can. It's true that what I thought was wrong before wasn't (hypothyroidism/autoimmune thyroid disorder despite it running in my family), but I knew something was off and was looking for answers where the doctors just flat out refused to listen. Maybe I sounded manic (?) but I think when you've grown up in a hyperaware state and know your body as a result of that hyperaware state, it's hard to communicate that something isn't right when you don't know exactly what it is. I think the same is true with the trainer I had earlier this year, that they want you to do things, but something is also off. I was doing all the "right" things but those weren't working, and it's hard to find someone who relates/knows what you're going through that has an answer for it that doesn't deny your experience. So relatable. Anyways, pancreas and insulin are related, high blood sugar makes more sense and not losing while on a calorie restricted diet as well.

Had a dream last night that this dog/rabbit came into my lap and I was enjoying cuddling it (was watching these very cute sheep videos before bed which have a girl cuddling with her sheep and sheep kind of look like rabbits). While I was cuddling this dog/rabbit, my mom and my brother were driving around somewhere nearby. The neighbourhood kind of looked like around where I grew up. I felt how cutoff they were from me, doing their own thing, and how outside/apart I felt from them growing up. Just remembering how I would always try to call or contact my mom, and how often I couldn't get a hold of her. I guess I felt emotionally stuck for a long time in that panicked feeling of trying to get a hold of her or just that panicked feeling of distance, maybe that's changing into something else now? That I can feel the other things around it, like what it felt like to be on the outside as the need for connection isn't as imminent (needing her to survive isn't as strong).  I still feel like these things coming up are somehow outside me...?

[Armee]

Hi DollyVee

Good luck at the doctor!

Awhile back before I started getting help I was having a lot of scary health symptoms.  I felt so relieved that my doctor took them super seriously and tested me for about everything. Separately from her I went to a GI doc for those issues and he diagnosed me with a pretty serious case of SIBO, like you. In the end, it was just the SIBO and the trauma that was causing all of those health issues. My doctor didn't know about the trauma because honestly I didn't know either really. But I am so grateful she didn't treat me as if it were all in my head. In the end, it WAS all in my head, lol, but I am glad my doctor treated me well. You deserve the same.

SIBO and trauma can really do a number but we also deserve to be taken seriously and have help tracking down what might be going on and treated like we matter. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Armee - I've already had a GI map done which shows very low pancreatic function. My FMP linked this to SIBO but the connection between the pancreas and covid makes sense as to why I could lose weight before covid but can't after as it worsened the pancreatic function even more. Yes, it does suck to have to talk to these docs again and again and not have them validate my experience. I am lucky that my FMP listens though and is more tuned into what is actually going on. Glad you found something that works for you.

[Larry]

   hope you have a sunny day

[dollyvee]

Thank you Larry 

Hmmm I haven't felt much like writing in here, or that I'm really in touch with what's going on right now. T said that I've been processing a lot of stuff and I had a difficult time acknowledging that. I feel like I'm in a familiar place of putting down things that are coming up, the it wasn't that bads have returned, and maybe this crosses over into the fantasy of how I want things to be? I'm watching a lot of series, and feel like I'm subconsciously putting things on the back burner. Anyways, it came up with t that when things do come up that I've never had a chance to express them. After out last session where I acknowledged that it feels good to feed myself and that I'm not doing a "bad" thing by eating, or even feeling pleasure by eating, I felt almost defensive and like I didn't want to talk this past session.

Also have been working more and t and I talked about implications, or wanting to be seen as you see yourself. That was difficult as I always think there is something wrong with how I want to be or that it's inauthentic. I've been making progress on that, but it's weird/different to see it coming up in this way. I did have some good connections this past week at work and am trying to keep that, but on the other hand, I do feel like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think the same thing came up around eating/feeling good. I guess I have the responsibility to go forward. I guess it's hard to look up when I feel like this and feel creative or good. I guess there's a lot of negativity under that.

Doctor was ok, and listened-ish, but I still felt a lot of doubt and that perhaps they were just being polite. When I told them about my diet, they said, "oh that's actually quite good." I'm pretty sure they think there is something wrong with my liver, but I was pretty sure there was something off a few years ago with that, but when I was tested was told my levels were fine. Anyways, I did get a referral for a gastroenterologist but still a part of me fears the same cycle will repeat.

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing Dolly. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Armee and Rainy

Not being able to log onto the site for a while really made me feel what a resource it is to be able to talk about stuff on here 

Talking about methylation has renewed my interest in researching it and connection to how I'm feeling. There's so much information out there and think as I started to feel better and no further symptoms arose as I thought I was addressing it, other things just sort of came up. There's a lot of conflicting information about how to address it too which is also confusing. Anyways, just something that's interesting to me and want to see if it has something to do with my irritability sometimes.

Strangely, the other day I had something come up which I never really looked at; that I've never been able to see it as separate. The night before work, I was texting with a colleague about the job the next day. Afterwards, before I fell asleep I became really disturbed that I couldn't remember if I'd turned the oven off or not. I was spending the night in a hotel three hours away from where I lived and there was no way to check. This came out of nowhere and thinking about it after saw that there'd been quite a few times when I was unsure if I'd locked the car door and actually went out to check. I don't know what this is? It came from this fearful (?) place.

[CactusFlower]

Hi Dolly!

I'm catching up now that I am back on here. Something you said in your previous posts made me think. You said first that you had a lot of stuff you'd put on the back burner. Then you later talked about being anxious over having turned off the stove. My mind made this mental connection: thinking of stuff as being on a back burner --> checking if stuff is off/worrying about it is common to anxiety issues --> perhaps the mind connected the imagery and the stove worry is really about having too much in the background?  I hope that made sense. I could be off base, but just sharing what I saw. gentle hugs if you want them.