dollyvee's recovery journal

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Larry - good to see that you're doing well

Feeling a bit out of it. My sleep schedule has been very off since I got back, but sometimes I have really bad jet lag and have been in a weird cycle of getting maybe 4/5 hours of sleep a night. Was feeling pretty good when I came back about getting things done (cleaning up and all the little things around the house that I have been putting off) and then I went back to work and now feel like garbage.

I hate being around people at work. It's so hard to actually be open to the nice ones and not shut down because they are friends with the two faced bullies etc or maybe someone is nice and I can be open but there is "competitiveness" or negativity coming from someone else. It's incredible how much this stuff shuts me down. I guess that's what it's meant to do and I end up feeling like I hate myself at the end of the day yet I'm around all these "nice" people (or everyone is being so nice to eachother but it doesn't feel that way under the surface).

I had someone come this morning to administer a covid test for work and they asked to use my bathroom. I'm realizing how much I haven't been picking up after myself. I don't think it's squalor, but I need to mop the floors and vacuum. There are a lot of dust bunnies, but I just get into this mind space where I shut down. I do feel like it's connected to people "keeping me down." Is this stuff I've taken on from my gm or learned?

Went on a date with someone last weekend. Maybe I'm distracting myself or not dealing with other stuff, but we had a lot in common and he's nice and cute. We had a good time and talked for a few hours, we're going to meet up again. I left early-ish because I knew I would get tired around 9/10 and came home and went to bed, woke up around 1am for a few hours and went back to bed. The next day I couldn't stay awake and kept falling back asleep. Maybe it was the alcohol (only had two drinks though) or maybe it was sort of food poisoning (had a dodgy stomach a couple days later). I had been wondering too if maybe I was dissociating. He texted that night and again the next day and maybe a part of me felt like it was too much. I don't think he was being pushy, just interested, but perhaps a part could be freaking out. If I'm being honest, I think a part of me goes into being "fake nice" like I have to do these things like text back and be social, flirt etc, but another part doesn't want to. Then another part thinks maybe I'm just not into him.

Not great stuff, I think the little things are building up and I need to get it out.

[Armee]

It's hard to trust what we think and like and don't like after a lifetime of being gaslighted. It's hard to know which voice to listen to. I'm gathering slowly that that is what our emotions and underlying body sensations are for. Good luck figuring out how you are feeling about this date!

And I hate fake nice.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Armee. What context are you referring to about hating fake nice? I don't think I understand what you mean

[Armee]

How you talked about people at work being "nice" butbit not seeming that way under the surface. That felt like how I think of as "fake nice" and I find it very unsettling and hard because you don't feel like they're being nice but on the surface they behave nice so you feel a little guilty and can't explain why it feels so bad.

How did you mean it? I'm sorry for putting words in your mouth. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Armee  because I described myself as sort of feeling "fake nice, I thought that was directed at me, or that comment about my feelings

[Armee]

Oh gosh no!!! I'm so sorry for not being more clear. I need to take time to be more precise on what I write and say. You are a sweet and kind person.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I am resonating with what you wrote about feeling off as well as navigating work and personal relationships.  I don't have any insights.  I wanted to stop by to say I am here too trying to figure this all out and I hope you find ways to feel ease. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Armee - no need to be more clear. I don't think it was anything you did. Sometimes things get lost in text differently than in conversation etc. It just happens and thank you again for clarifying. I think I'm a bit hypervigilant at this time too.

Thank you rainy. It's hard to be in work situations where you spend so much time and yet also feel so unsafe because of standards/lack of policies to protect people etc.

[Larry]

hi dolly,   i am sorry i haven't been here to offer much support,    i really hope tomorrow is a great day for you !

[dollyvee]

Thanks for stopping by Larry - it's ok we're all here doing what we can and it's appreciated 

Good chat with t this weekend who has just come back from winter break. I mentioned the necklace stuff and think she had the same reaction I did. So relieved that I wasn't hallucinating this stuff, or that it would be minimized and I'm just "over sensitive." She also likened it to a Shakespearean play which is a bit funny but also highlights how out there my family is I think and how alone I feel sometimes dealing with their stuff.

Went into anxious mode on with the new date and didn't have a great result. I think he might be avoidant and I slipped into trying to connect without realizing what was going on. With all the other stuff that's running in the background, I don't think I'm as self aware right now. Otherwise I would like to think I would have brought it up and felt a little less blindsided than I do now. Just frustrating that it's another "learning experience," I feel so tired of those.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I see you working through a lot and it is difficult to build relationships on a good day and especially when we are puzzling out a lot.  I hope that you find some ease. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy 

It's becoming more clear about what was going on. I was pretty up front about looking for emotional availability, communication, emotional awareness. He's now telling me that he's basically emotionally unavailable. I understand I'm dodging a bullet but I also feel like it was selfish on his part to not be more clear about something he wasn't able to give in the beginning and to go through weeks of texting/dates etc only to have him completely shut down and walk away.

I never feel quite clear about what the rules of dating are when I had so much gaslighting/questioning myself growing up. Am I being unfair, not giving enough, expecting too much etc. So, I end up doing those things and being in this place, angry at feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. Although, I don't think it's all me this time though I could have stepped back instead of trying to make that connection. I think when the opportunity to step back comes up I feel all the stuff I felt growing up and that's something I still need to face. I just feel like it would be too intense to press someone in the beginning about those things. I always feel like I have to be light, airy, no stress, fun etc.

-----
I also cleaned my flat and feel so much better that things are clean and tidy. I'm not sure why they got so bad. Maybe it was just a reflection of how I was feeling about myself.

[Armee]

Dating sounds so exhausting and disappointing most of the time.

Cut yourself lots of slack about house stuff! You've had a ton to deal with travelling to your GF to help and all the information that came up. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks for your words Armee  I know it might seem minute these two things on the one hand but do think they relate to some deeper stuff that's going on. Dating connects to how I feel about myself I think, and maybe the house stuff as well. I think it points to something stopping me from taking care of myself, maybe questioning my abilities to get things done.

***Poss Tw***

It came up the other day while I was cleaning how my stepfather used to. make me clean and do these big tasks for zero allowance. I guess this fits into a generational thing of kids maybe expected to do more in "the olden days" but I don't know. I think he enjoyed making me do things on ridiculous terms that he knew he could get away with (I was 7 and had no idea what was fair or how to negotiate a fair wage and my mom definitely wouldn't intervene). I was expected to rake a whole yard of leaves for like a dollar or clean out his extremely dirty truck for a dollar a week. When I moved in with my dad, he gave me a five dollar a week allowance and I think another five dollars for mowing the lawn. I felt like it was the most amazing place but I was just dealing with someone who was fair.

When I moved in with my gm and gf, I was also expected to clean but my gm was basically a hoarder and it felt like I was taking on all this responsibility by doing it. I wanted to help them out but at the same time it was so much time and effort that I didn't feel was fair to me to put in.

It's just a funny thing because I've never been afraid of hard work. I worked for my gf (the other one) mowing lawns, painting, trimming hedges etc but he always treated me fairly as well. I don't know why it happens that I procrastinate on things that I have to do. I think everyone does it to an extent but it also feels as if it's tied to other things.

***end tw***

I realized there were some little red flags I didn't pick up on before. He mentioned abs, not that I care about abs, but I think he was trying to impress me, and he clearly didn't have abs. What kind of slipped by was that he's probably more insecure than he was letting on and it's just something really superficial which I don't care about - it's more how I feel around someone that's important to me. I guess maybe that's why I didn't pick up on it because we had a lot of other things in common. I'm wondering if I've gotten into this situation so that I can just confirm how bad I feel about myself (with all that's going on). It's a reflection of it must be me, or I'm not worthy of a good, supportive relationship.

I was in the bath last night and going over the feelings that were coming up on my walk. I think I felt fearful, kind of on edge, not settled as I was out last night. I tried to get those feelings to step back and to have Self come in. The first thing that came up was my gm and how I think I always went to her when I felt like this/ needed soothing. It felt overwhelming to have Self there and to be doing it instead. I've definitely felt this before, that connecting to myself feels overwhelming and usually brings up tears. I guess there are parts that need to be heard rn.