Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you.  I'm not having good days right now - I hope that once I get all my boxes unpacked I will feel better.
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Hope, I appreciate your wish.  I am not doing well with rest right now and I hope that changes soon.
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Not Alone, thank you for speaking to this as I came here to write today more about the avoidance because it is really hurting today.  I appreciate you sharing that thought as I think that is important and a part of this.
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I feel like I've been unpacking non-stop.

I've tried to take breaks but living in an apartment where the extra boxes take up precious space is challenging.

It's been a combination of trying to keep up with life (grocery shopping, meal prep, laundry), unpack, get rid of boxes which involves a lot of complication, and trying to hold it all together.

My husband did end up coming home yesterday and I honestly wish he hadn't. 

He has unpacked and set up things that he values (the TV) but has done very little to help me. 

It's like he is both annoyed at me for unpacking but also waiting for it to be done. 

He has been very rude to me today which I called him out on.  I hope in the future I can be more specific and not overgeneralize like I did.  But his comment was not only rude it also reminded me of things my father used to say to me so it was triggering too.  The exchange was something like:

H: "Why do you even like that? (A food) I don't like it."

Me: silence while I hold it together because I am emotional and that reminded me of my dad and also is a weird and mean thing to say

Me: "You have been really critical of everything I've been saying lately and you seem like you are in a bad mood." 

Later he "apologized" for "teasing" me.  But I am still feeling hurt.  I had a weird dream last night about my dad where he acted more like the person my husband is and it was so disturbing.  I have felt weird all day.

I can't really process things right now.  The unpacking needs to get done and clearly if I don't do it, no one will.  As I unpack, I also get mad because it is becoming obvious to me that he didn't clean anything or do some of the things he said he would.  So I am also having to clean up things that are completely disgusting and also figure out what to do with things I wasn't expecting to own anymore. 

I feel very alone right now.  When I get in this place, I try to do what I need to to care for myself.  It feels most caring to have our stuff unpacked so that I can feel more settled. 

[rainydiary]

Whew, I was upset yesterday.

I did end up telling my husband I needed his help as I had done all I could on my own.  Of course he then jumps in and starts getting work done when I was trying to rest.  I felt bad because I didn't honor my boundary. 

I also felt bad that when I am trying to stand up for myself, I don't express my need.  A similar interaction happened this morning and I was able to call attention to it but still didn't express a need.  Telling him how I think he feels isn't helpful.  I will have to keep practicing saying my needs.

I have started sleeping better which I hope will help.  I did make a lot of progress the past few days.  The things that are left to unpack aren't crucial for day to day life so I feel less urgency. 

[Armee]

Hi Rainy,

I hope you can find some time to do something enjoyable for yourself today. You've gone through so much recently.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee 
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I think the apartment is mostly unpacked.  I still have some errands to run this week to get rid of boxes and get new license plates...but I hope all of this is slowly getting resolved.

My cat has been keeping to herself a lot today.  I'm worried she is sick but perhaps she just needs some space today.  I don't know how well she's slept since we moved.  She has made some weird missteps today that are what made me worried.  She is eating and drinking and caring for herself so whatever it is doesn't seem urgent.  I had intended to make a vet appointment soon anyhow so I suppose I will do it tomorrow. 

There is a person at work that I think is trying to be my friend.  She wants to give me a houseplant and has been texting with me.  I am trying to be open to friendship but it is hard. 

I have a stomachache as I prepare for bed that I think has a lot of sources.  I had a really weird dream last night.  I'm glad to be sleeping well enough to dream but hope my dreams ease up a bit - they have been so intense the past couple of nights. 

Two more weeks and then it is spring break where I live. 

[Armee]

It's hard to trust friendship sometimesz especially at work.

Cats take changes pretty hard. I hope it is just her adjusting to the new place.

Sending you some support for restful sleep tonight.

[CactusFlower]

It's nice that she's willing to give you a plant. Even if you don't become close friends, someone positive on your side can make a day brighter here and there.

As a long-time cat person myself, I agree with Armee. If kitty is eating, sleeping and toileting okay, then it's like just moving and getting used to a whole new place to smell and call their own.   

[sanmagic7]

i'm in awe of you with your unpacking.  i've been here nearly a year, still don't have things the way they need to be.  kudos to you!   

hopefully kitty is just getting used to its new digs.  it took my D's a while to feel at home, but she's thriving now.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for your words of support.  I slept hard last night but my dreams and hormones kept it from feeling restful. 
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Cactus, thank you - my cat hasn't wanted to jump of late and it makes me feel worried.  But just like me feeling overwhelmed at how different our new home is, perhaps that sunk in for her too.  I appreciate the perspective on the coworker.   
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San, thank you - I am not sure my drive to unpack was the best.  We did reach a point where some large things we don't really have room for might stay for the duration of our lease.  A difficult thing is that in 14ish more months this won't be our home anymore (most likely).  I appreciate your support. 
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I am exhausted today.  A lot of that is related to my menstrual cycle in addition to all that has been going on.

I appreciate the support about my cat.  She seems to be a bit more curious this evening and more like herself.  I am trying to get her a vet appointment anyways so we can check in on her kidneys, but many vets here aren't accepting new animals.  I think I found a place that will accept us but doesn't have appointments for like a month. 

I've struggled since last summer once she was diagnosed with kidney disease.  I've dreaded her getting worse.  So far she hasn't seemed any different overall. Her illness is always in the back of my mind and I have cried more of late for her.  She loves me unconditionally and it is going to be hard to not have her when the time  comes. 

My husband doesn't understand and often makes pet ownership really challenging for me.  He doesn't help with her and gets upset when I need time to care for her.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have her so that his jealousy or whatever it is would go away.  It's also hard to travel as I have to consider her care. 

Tomorrow I am going to try to get license plates in my new state.  I'm really tired of filling out forms and dealing with bureaucracy.  But it just has to get done. 

[rainydiary]

Something I meant to mention -

As much as I miss working with high schoolers, I am enjoying working with preschoolers again. 

Today I walked into a preschool class and one of the children I work with said, "she's here!" 

The child "made" me food in the toy kitchen and we had a good time today. 

I feel like my vocation has been creating space for children to be themselves.  I am sad about all the other stuff going on but I hope that what I do helps. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I hope your kitty is ok. I had a cat with kidney problems too and it was very distressing. I had a complete breakdown in the vet when I had to put her down. I think it also brought up stuff for me about caring for things/being in that situation though I'm not 100% sure what.

That was really thoughtful of your collegue. Friendships and trust take time. After your comment on my post about ADHD, spectrum functioning would influence about how you feel about other people and friendships. Hope you find a way that feels safe to you to navigate that.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Thanks Dolly - I dread the end of my cat's life but that may be a while away.  She seems to be acting more like herself.  I made a vet appointment which is several weeks away.  I am doing my best to navigate other people while also feeling ok with being me.
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Yesterday my high school friend messaged to say he would be in town later this week.  I would like to see him but know it would be too much this week.  I declined and he was understanding.  That made me feel better but it is still difficult to assert boundaries.  I also worry I was too emotional in my response.  I realized yesterday that I also dread seeing him because I am worried what it will bring up for me.

Today my husband shared a number of plans he has to visit friends.  I am really acknowledging to myself how codependent we are.  It seems like our current challenge is facing that.  I am worried that as we face our codependency it will lead us apart.  But we can't keep doing what we were doing.

I am struggling at work.  It is hard for me to see the number of ways children are invalidated, especially those that are neurodiverse.  I do what I can and provide space for them but I am saddened. 

I am trying to relax, but it feels difficult. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

relaxing has been one of my biggest challenges.  i think it's because there hasn't been much practice doing that - we've had to be on alert too much of our lives, and our brain messages are not used to being without stress and tension.  give yourself time, ok? 

that codependency thing, yeah.  i truly believe people can find a way to be inter-dependent in their relationships.  having our own interests while our others have theirs, yet still be connected by a bond of our choosing.  breaking the codependent strangle-hold can mean a freedom from, coupled with reliance on the other.  i don't doubt you and your H will find a balance that suits you both.  teamwork.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I go up and down with relaxing.  I am noticing how much simpler my life was without all of the stuff I took out of boxes.  There are things that support my comfort - a bed, a couch, blankets.  But many things I own don't help much.  They just become things for me to take care of.  I hope that now that I am through the bulk of the move, I can calm my nervous system and find relax again.
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I am feeling weird today.  Two successes though - I sent out an email with resources to a student's family and teachers as well as my speech therapist colleagues.  I got a lot of positive response to it when I was expecting backlash.  The other success is that a student who I feel I failed in a meeting last week gave me a hug today (I think because they felt safe and heard with me). 

Before I left for work I was speaking out loud about an awkward experience I had yesterday.  I tried to get license plates in my new state...but my old state hasn't processed the title for my car.  The lady at the license plate office was confused yesterday as was I.  It didn't occur to me to check to make sure that was done as it has been over 6 weeks.  But it isn't ready so I can't move forward. 

I said this all out loud and my husband felt the need to say, "I'm sure no one remembers that yesterday."  He says this to me a lot - I interpret it as gaslighting and I also wasn't asking for anything from him.  I said this to him.  And then left for work.  I'm tired of my husband speaking to me without understanding my anxiety. 

Yesterday I was considering how I have tried to caretake him of late (and for most of our relationship).  I work so hard to validate his feelings but think I also carry the burden of processing them for him.  Of late he has not been in a place to validate me and it really upsets me.  But it isn't going to help for me to keep trying to do things for him. 

I feel so sad many days about the lack of emotional connection in our relationship.  I don't think there has ever really been one and I didn't notice for a long time because that was "normal" to me.  It bothers me a lot now.  I also think he is so overwhelmed and not dealing with his stuff that it is harder for him to connect even the little bit he was before.

I think we are entering a new phase of our relationship.  That's not necessarily a bad thing but it is difficult.  And scary.  I am curious to see how time apart, following our individual interests, and time shift things.  I do believe there is a reason we came together as a couple.  I wouldn't be where I am without him.  And yet I am tired of him hurting me with his behavior that feels so thoughtless. 

Moving brought up a lot and I need time to process. 

[Armee]

Many times over you have earned and deserve time to process. Moving is hard. New jobs are hard. Relationships are hard. Adding all three of those together and adding trauma triggers means you've been through a lot in just a few months.

Those two work things sound so positive to me. Sad that we expect bad reactions to good things, though.

[sanmagic7]

   from this and other incidents you've mentioned about responses from students, i just wish we had more like you in our school systems.  kids know who is and isn't to be trusted quite quickly.  you've shown them time and time again they have a true rock to lean on.

i do agree with armee about all you've been going thru in a short time.  i don't like that your hub is hurting you mentally and emotionally.  i can also relate to the idea of doing more for the other's well-being/processing, etc., than they do for us.  been in that space too many times - somehow they've never gotten the message.  maybe your hub will learn - i hope so.  love and hugs, rainy