Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, Yes and the impact on me is what is hardest because I am gaslit by almost anyone I tell about all this.  A lot of things I "should" do - but never support for the boundaries I've felt necessary to create. 
.....
Armee, thank you. 
........

The story continues to unfold although I feel less activated than I did earlier.  I felt deeply sad yesterday and think that carried over into today.  It's hard for me to go to the school where I expect to see children being yelled at. 

My husband has planned to go to the other city to see the basketball games.  He is planning to stay with a friend he has known for a while.  This friend is someone I know also and someone I trust.  Honestly him going to see this friend and process and catch up is a healthier move than flying home to his parents. 

Something that is a bit difficult is this friend my husband will be going to see is someone that has been present for some truly difficult parts of our history.  I think the last time my husband saw him was at his brother's funeral as I believe he led the service (which we didn't connect when we were just talking about him).  This friend also picked us from the side of the highway when I totaled our vehicle around 8 years ago.  It just feels like some things are coming full circle.  I hope that my husband will get some relief from this. 

I will not be going which I am grateful for.  I don't want to go and will be glad for some more time to myself.  I do hope he doesn't leave the movers for me to deal with.  He hasn't heard back from them yet.  I hope he would adjust his plans if the movers say they are coming a certain day. 

He is in a very avoidant place right now.  Some of it is related to our move.  A lot of it is related to his job.  I'm not sure what he is waiting for and I also can't make this decision for him to quit.  But it is taking a toll on us.

I made it through Monday and hope the week eases up a bit.

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I second what Not Alone said. I'm sorry that your new school is so challenging. It's not easy to see children treated like that especially if you've gone through something similar.

The trip sounds like it will be good for your husband and a chance to catch up with an old friend. It stuck with me what the rinpoche I have been learning from  said about relationships and to just give them distance. Definitely harder in the moment though.

dolly

[sanmagic7]

 

it sounds like maybe you're feeling trapped?  my own projection, since that's probably how i'd feel in your place.  just so sorry this is all happening now, but glad you're going to get some time to yourself.  hopefully it'll help you.  love and hugs, rainy

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you - it is hard for so many reasons.  Honestly it isn't that different from many schools I've worked in, I experience it differently and am tired of working in such broken situations.  It makes me sad on so many levels. 

I have always appreciated that some distance is good for us (me and my husband) but it is harder for me when the distance he wants is to be with his family. 
.....
San, I do feel trapped.  I am trying to sort out what is my own walls I put up, what is something I need to speak up about.  I lack so many skills or feel like I do.  Maybe it isn't a lack of skills but continuing to take and take and take stuff that hurts me.
.........

I've felt very low the past few days.  There are many reasons for it but it can be so challenging.  I'm tired of feeling sad so much of the time.

Last night I did cry for the first time in a while and it brought some relief.  My heart felt broken as I realized that I haven't felt comfort with my husband in a long time. 

Today I sent my husband an article about anxious attachment (which is my attachment style).  He read it and I hope it can lead to more understanding for us.  I guess I hope he will learn about his own attachment but I have no control over that. 

I have a meeting tomorrow I really don't want to do.  The parent is being kind of pushy about something I can't do anything about.  I don't feel supported by anyone at the school so worry I won't handle it very well. 

[Armee]

It's a really difficult heartbreaking work situation, Rainy. I hope you can feel proud of yourself for being in this line of work for as long as you've been able to tolerate it, and for keeping your heart this whole time instead of being calloused.

[Larry]

hi rainy,  i'm sorry i haven't been here to offer support,  i think of you alot,  i just don't always know how or am capable of offering support.      i really appreciate you.    you have helped me so much in my own recovery.     i love you for that.   

[rainydiary]

Armee, it is heartbreaking and part of why I think it is approaching time for me to stop.  I will do my best - so much is needed for so many people. 
.....
Larry, I appreciate your words and support.  I am glad to know you find support in me.  It's ok to not know what to say - I often read posts here and wish I knew what to say.  Words often aren't enough.  Thank you for being on my team.
........
I had not intended to write more but my husband heard from our movers this evening.  They will be here tomorrow.

I feel guilty as I cannot take work off so my husband will have to deal with it.  It is also nice they are coming before he leaves on his trip.  I'm fine unpacking and glad I won't have to deal with the movers. 

I hope I can get to sleep.  This news sent a surge of anxiety into my body. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

so glad your hub will be taking some of the pressure off you by dealing with the movers.  i get the feeling guilty part, but to my mind you're doing nothing wrong to feel guilty about.  things work out the way they work out sometimes - if the situation were reversed you would have taken care of it w/o resentment.  besides, you're doing a lot by unpacking.  that's always a big part of a move, too.

as far as your work situation goes, i agree it's heartbreaking.  so many people nowadays are messy in a bad way, and people like you who are only doing their best to make situations better get the brunt of their negativity.  it's not fair, it's ugly, and i wish it weren't so.  i hope the meeting went well.  hang tough, rainy - we're hangin' right beside you!   

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words.  Thank you. 
.........
I am exhausted and trying to wind down.

My husband left for his trip before I got home.  I have been on the go since I left work.  I kept trying to wind down but the way the movers packed things kept throwing up surprises to deal with.

I am in my own bed and was able to find my pillows.  I wish I could have found cleaner sheets and that my husband would have washed our sheets before letting them be packed, but I am doing what I can.

My meeting at work today went well - I shouldn't have worried...it is hard to know without meeting people how they will be.  What I encountered is a parent who is anxious and relies a lot on her husband to help her (I can understand that).  It is likely she has experienced trauma and is doing her best.  People at the school aren't very understanding of her.  I tried to speak with her and her husband in a way that I would want to be spoken to. 

A colleague at my other school (which is a much more pleasant place to be) shared that at a conference today a student's teacher and parent were so happy at the connection I made with the student yesterday - that was a nice thing to hear. 

I am annoyed with my husband as he has gone into his mode of what makes me feel ignored.  He let me know when he left and when he arrived at his friend's, but has otherwise not responded to my messages.  I can explain away why he does this but it hurts my feelings.  It is unkind and I hope I can let him know that if he wants to focus on his time with his friend, he can just say that rather than not respond. 

I know that the unpacking will get done.  It's hard because the apartment we are in is shaped so much differently and is smaller than our townhouse was.  I will find a space for everything, but it is frustrating.  I'm also frustrated with how loud our apartment is.  I am grieving the home we left as I did really like the house.  This home will be temporary and there are many things to like about it.  It is just tough right now.

I hope I can sleep and be gentle with myself tomorrow.  I have another meeting tomorrow that I wish I could not attend.  I am at least not in charge of it, but it is making my day longer at work than I would like. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i'm with you as you go thru all this.  i'm very sorry, too, that your hub is not responding and about how that's making you feel.  i believe the word 'unkind' is being very kind to him.  love and hugs, my dear

[paul72]

hi rainydiary
I hope you slept well and can be gentle with yourself today.
I am sorry for how overwhelming and exhausting this all is and that hope sharing here helps..
I offer my support and and love and best wishes for today 

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words.  He did eventually respond the next day.  Much to work through.   
.....
Phil, thank you, I appreciate the wishes.  My sleep hasn't been great this week which can happen from time to time. 
........

I am glad it is Friday.  I generally feel unsettled - unpacking is going slow and is complicated for some reason. 

Today my mom randomly tells me that my grandmother is going into hospice.  My grandma has dementia and has needed care for around 6 years.  So this isn't a huge surprise.  But also, the way my family handles this stuff is so disconnecting.

When I went to visit one of my grandfathers when he was dying, my parents were basically like "why are you here?"  In my family, we just seem to go out without a bang and no one talks about it and holds on the feelings forever. 

I do wonder how the dynamic of my mom's life will shift once my grandmother dies as she has been involved in her care.

I am really exhausted today.  I haven't slept well and am still trying to get settled.  I think my husband is coming home today but I'm not sure.  I don't think he has enjoyed his trip as much as he thought. 

[Larry]

  hi rainy,  hope ypu had a great day today

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
You've had so many changes to contend with in recent weeks, and I hope that you are able to take some time for yourself this weekend, and hopefully relax and do whatever you need to do with no pressures on yourself.   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

RainyDiary, I wish I could be there with you to help you to unpack. I'd also just want to listen to you and hear the many things that are a weight on you. You are carrying sooo much.

I have marked your latest entries as "unread" because I've wanted to go back into my journal and find a quote that my therapist said to me. Right now that feels like too much, so I'll do my best to paraphrase what he said.

He is in a very avoidant place right now.  Some of it is related to our move.  A lot of it is related to his job.  I'm not sure what he is waiting for and I also can't make this decision for him to quit.  But it is taking a toll on us.

My therapist said (paraphrase) that other people see Avoidants as nice people. They don't demand much and are easy to get along with. Others don't see the devastation that the spouse endures by living with someone who is avoidant.

This helped me, because I feel the stress, pain, and anger deeply; and to others my husband is just a nice man. That adds to the crazy-making feelings.