Rainy Journal 2022

[Not Alone]

RainyDiary,
I was able to catch up on the last two pages of your journal. You have sooo much going on right now, so many significant changes in your life. Wow. I have so much admiration and care for you.

I am trying to understand how my growth and healing has changed how I approach everything including our relationship.  I don't understand what has changed and I am always afraid that he will leave.

I also experience this. My husband really hasn't changed. I've changed and how I view him has shifted a great deal. I also fear my H will leave, but I am unwilling to pretend things are okay.

I need so much downtime and recharge time which is why this is what I do. 

Me too. Not only does living with cPTSD take a great deal of energy, your recent life changes are very stressful.

[rainydiary]

Armee, it is difficult when that happens as it is also a component of the issues with my parents - not accepting what and who I am.  I hope to listen to myself and not hold so much to what others say.
.....
Not Alone, I appreciate your care and words.  I am hoping the time we've spent apart the past few weeks has been informative for my husband and I.  I am trying to understand that change in how I see things isn't necessarily a bad thing but it is confusing.  I am glad to know I'm not the only one that needs so much rest. 
.........
I am feeling relatively ok today.

I have been building back up my exercise routine which does help. 

I also spoke with a colleague at my second school yesterday.  She was helpful in that she offered perspective on what I am experiencing in my main school.  It is dysfunctional and it is not me.  She is going to help me advocate for a different school placement next school year. 

I have told some folks I respond differently because of trauma.  I still feel like I can see folks give me this *look* when I respond in a way that isn't "normal."  Some of it might be in my perception only but I know some of it isn't. 

I have been feeling lately how the reality of who I am is different from the person I sometimes imagine myself to be and what I wish I was.  I am trying to be accepting of where I actually am yet it also makes me sad. 

My mom has been having nose bleeds of late.  The first time it happened she texted me.  It made me feel weird because it was like "What can I do?"  She is going to the doctor tomorrow which is the only thing she can do as I am not a doctor and not able to help her.  It makes me feel ill to realize my parents are aging but also that they haven't tried to improve the stuff they do that hurts me and my siblings.

[Larry]

 

[CactusFlower]

Just catching up here. Hoping things go better for you at work and that the yoga class works out. That's a lot going on, but I'm still wishing it turns out okay for you. gentle hugs if you want them.

[rainydiary]

Hi Larry 
.....
Sage, thank you for checking in and for your support.
.........
This week has been weird and I am entering the weekend on a weird note. 

This morning I didn't want to go to work but as I was driving I felt myself settling into a routine.  I felt less overwhelmed.

Work itself was ok but I am struggling with a situation I don't understand what to do and no one is being helpful (as I have been trying to put into motion what I think I am supposed to do and reaching out). 

I ran some errands in my way home from work and placed an order for something online to be shipped to me.  I forgot to update with my new address and by the time I tried calling the company to update the address, they claimed there was nothing they could do.  I got it resolved but it made me feel terrible as it was an easy mistake to make.

I was telling my husband about the situation and I think I must have triggered him as he was really rude to me.  I tried to stand up for myself but at times like this he doesn't realize that "being right" isn't what I need and how that comes across.  I decided to step away from the conversation.

I think we are both unsettled as he will start driving up to our new home tomorrow once our furniture is taken by movers.  The temporary situations we've been in are coming to an end and it is another change. 

[sanmagic7]

so many changes, rainy.  i don't doubt you're feeling unsettled maybe even distressed by everything.  i think when there are outside circumstances such as you described with H and work and moving that we end up giving a lot more weight to those 'little' mistakes than they deserve.  i know i feel terrible, too, when i goof up with something like you described.  and for what?  like you, it always gets resolved, no harm, no foul.  i think our reaction mechanism has been tainted by trauma.  i have to keep reminding myself not to put unrealistic, perfectionist expectations on myself.  it's hard to keep that in mind, tho.  here with you sending love and a hug filled with support.   

[rainydiary]

San, it has been a lot of change and I do think it can color how I am experiencing.  I appreciate your support.
........
I was noticing today that I haven't been journaling much either on paper or online.

I notice that I am generally not as "in my head" as usual.  I'm not sure that is actually it - I think it is more that I am not necessarily attaching emotionally to my thoughts the same as I have in the past. 

It could also be that I am emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually tapped out from all the change.  And yet I also want to give myself credit - I think I have done a lot of self work and am responding differently.

My husband is due to arrive tomorrow and I will be glad to have him here. 

Two things are on my mind tonight:

The first is that I am realizing how little I actually need materially to get by.  I have not missed a large portion of things I packed.  I hope to pare down what I own even more than I did before moving.

Another thing is that a person that I went to high school with lives in a neighboring state and is about 2ish hours away.  This is a person that I felt cared about me when I knew him in high school and as I've been on my healing journey, I especially came to appreciate his presence in my life at the time I knew him. 

I have always attached a lot of meaning to our friendship.  He is a person that often shows up in my dreams and I have always fantasized about what would happen if we ever met up.  This fantasy has been going on before I knew my husband.  I think a part of me wants to have this story of "someone loved me for who I am all this time."  It makes me feel ashamed to feel this way.

This person contacted me to say he will be up in my area later this month and is hoping to meet up.  I think it would be a group meet up with some other folks he knows up here.

This has been stressing me out.  I would like to see him, but given all this emotional stuff I've carried about him for all this time, I don't know.  I genuinely respect this person and he is my friend, but it feels like too much right now.  I am sure he would understand.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I definitely don't feel as miserable as I have in the past.  I am reminding myself that I don't have to do this forever.  I signed up for a drawing class which is something I enjoyed doing in high school and hope to recover some of my enjoyment for drawing.  My hope is to begin enjoying my life as so much of it has been misery. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I read what you wrote earlier today, and was thinking about it.  I am grateful to you for sharing your experiences, as they resonated with me - especially regarding the fantasising aspect, as I don't think I've felt able to do that in the past, but somehow lately I am beginning to have a part of myself communicate in dreams and involve more fantasising. 

I can understand that the thought of meeting up with the friend you mentioned would be potentially stressful, and I hope that you will be ok when/if you decide to meet up.

I also hope that you and your husband enjoy your time together in your new home, as I know you mentioned that he's due to arrive tomorrow.  I hope he has a safe journey, and that you enjoy time together.



Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you for your words.  I think I have often fantasized in my mind and it is interesting the things that I fantasize about - most that I have a lot of friends and am really popular and have my life together.  I don't think any of those things are necessarily untrue but I also think there is a difference in what I actually want and what I tell myself I should want. 
..........
Today has been a strange day. 

I had lots of positive interactions with students which feeds my soul. 

Today I noticed that I have a crack in my windshield.  It didn't start as a crack but something the windshield people turned it into made it crack.  I have a claim in to my insurance to get a replacement windshield but it is a possibility that it will take longer as there is a glass shortage.

My husband arrived today and I am having very confused and conflicted feelings.  Part of me is glad but part of me also didn't miss the constant communication with his sister and mom which makes me feel less of a priority.  Their relationship is so weird. 

Something over the past few years has shifted in me and I don't understand it.  It's also hard to not be codependent.  I think that is some of why I also don't want to see my high school friend - I am scared he will be disappointed in how I've turned out. 

I think the path I am supposed to follow will continue to illuminate.  I am really upset by world events and am trying to do my part. 

[rainydiary]

My husband shared something that upset me and I think it would be helpful to get out.

After I left, his parents planned a trip to our former home to "help" him pack.  What I didn't know is that they stayed in our house and slept in our bed. 

I cannot express how gross and annoying I find this.  It hurts me because without my presence, he would be living with them in his hometown.  It feels like such a thin line we walk.

I think my biggest struggle in my relationship is that I don't trust his commitment to me.  When I am not around, he is so enmeshed still with his family and it makes me question if he will stick it out with me. 

I have not gotten over the hurt of him leaving me for over a month to be with his family after his brother died.  He also spoke mean things to me when he returned that I know are the poison his parents spoke about me during that time. 

And he just doesn't see anything wrong in all this. 

He made it here and I am trying to remember that that means something.  But I am so tired of feeling like this is all could go up at the drop of a hat. 

[sanmagic7]

what a horrible feeling to have to carry around, rainy, but it sure makes a lot of sense to me why you would have it.  i think it's a scary thought as well.  i feel for you.  sitting with you as you work at this - i hope his commitment holds, too.  love and hugs 

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this right now. He is making the choice to be with you right now and that is positive. It sounds like him leaving may bring up some past stuff about saying mean things which your parents also did. That's difficult to go through.

I understand the fantasy of wanting to meet your friend, "the one who maybe got away." I fantasise/romanticise people a lot I think. I read something the other day which said fantasising/romanticising is about the avoidance of pain and not being in the present. I don't think there's anything wrong with pursuing a friendship as long as you set good boundaries and are honest with yourself about what you can and cannot do.

Sending you support,
dolly

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words - they brought me a lot of comfort.
.....
Dolly, I appreciate your perspective.  I had not connected the way difficult interactions with my husband (and others) to the experience of my parents putting me down.  It makes a lot of sense - thank you for saying that.
........

I am still definitely in difficult territory.  My husband being here has thrown off the routines I established and I am tired.

Last night I realized how misattuned I feel with him and ended up getting really upset by something I think he meant to be caring and connecting.

What bugs me is that we didn't really talk it through and this morning just acted like it didn't happen.  I notice this is an ongoing issue for us - I tried last night before he upset me to initiate a check in conversation but he brushes those off.  It's hard to get anywhere different when he just wants to avoid difficult conversations.

One thing that upset me last night is that he told me his mom will not give him his social security card.  Generally I don't think the actual card is that important but sometimes it is necessary for things.  He said she claims she will bring it when they visit this summer.  So, not only do I have a visit to "look forward" to, I was really upset that he just accepts a completely unreasonable behavior from his mom.  This morning I sent him a link to requesting a replacement card - he doesn't need her to send him anything.

This morning I also realized that some of my anger and misattunement right now is that I am in an EF.  There are three big life changes that I shared with my husband are coming up for me - one is a trip we took to a different country, one is a move we made about 8ish years ago, and one is the time he spent with his family after his brother died.

All of these events included him not being honest with me about what is going on with him.  All of these events created a huge rift between me and my family.  All of these events involved his family inserting themselves in our life.  And all of these events included him saying some really hurtful things to me. 

This time we are in is reminding me of those times.  I think I am almost holding my breath waiting for him to fall apart. 

He took this week off of work and I am trying to just let him have space to do his thing.  He did a lot of things yesterday to establish residency here.  He also doesn't really know what to do with himself when I or his family aren't around.  That is some of what upset me last night too is that when he wants attention he is rather demanding about it when I was busy with other things. 

I would say too being back around military life and the experience of all the moves and transition I had growing up in a military family is also present.  Some of the worst and meanest things my parents ever did happened around moving. 

In general, I just have so many feelings.  I am not sure if I am dissociating as I generally feel ok.  I think I have grown too and am managing ok.  I think there is just stuff deep inside that was dormant and is coming up.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, as i've said  before, i feel for you.  i've been married to 'avoidance' people, and it's frustrating, heartbreaking, and so much work!  is there a chance for couples therapy/counseling?  he sounds like the kind of person who's been damaged by his parents, yet runs to them for approval and attention anyway.  just a thought off the top of my head.  i'm glad you're managing, tho.  that's a good thing.  it does sound like you're being triggered big time on several fronts, but also sounds like you're managing quite well.  thanks for sharing.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

It's a lot of triggering situations, Rainy. I hope your husband comes around to talking more openly. It makes tons of sense that so much would come up around moving between tour recent history and your childhood experiences of moving and how your parents treated you during those times.