Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Today I took a walk trying to keep anxiety at bay.

February has brought a lot of change really quickly.  Along with all that change, I've had a lot of processes and paperwork to go through - buying a car, starting a new job, renting an apartment, selling our house.  I keep waiting for something bad to happen while all of these things work out.

I can't remember when this happened, but my husband told me his parents are coming this weekend to our home to "help" him pack.  I immediately felt a hurt - of course as soon as I leave, they swoop in.  They absolutely will not help him do anything and this isn't about being of help to him. 

I can't set boundaries for my husband and I wish he would see that the way his parents act is not ok.  He did seem irritated by them coming.  I chose to not say much both because I was caught off that they were going but also because my expression of feelings about his parents doesn't serve.  And yet I still have feelings because they are hurting me and they are hurting him.

What I am seeing though is that this transition is proving to be an opportunity for my husband and I to make our own way forward.  We have plans for things that are right for us.  But we have to get through this time right now.

[sanmagic7]

best to you rainy, in getting thru all this.  as you say, you can only set boundaries for yourself, but i can understand the difficulty in having to watch someone you care about get hurt by the machinations of others.  sending love and a hug filled with support for you and what you're going thru.

[rainydiary]

Thank you, San.  I appreciate the support.  I am also noticing that I shared my experience with a friend and she got me all worked up about my in-laws.  I know it comes from a place of caring for me, but I know the level of energy I need to give this.  My in-laws are unwell people and I have done my best to distance myself.  It is hard for to accept my husband has a different way.  After my visit with my parents in December, I have more compassion for how hard it is to stand up against long standing unhealthy dynamics.
........

I am surprised to find myself back here today, but I haven't processed much over the past week and think it would be helpful.

I left my old home so quickly I didn't really have a chance to say good bye.  I knew it was coming and I don't miss it really, but it is still the end of almost 7 years of my life. 

As I accepted the help of these people that welcomed me into their home and am staying with these folks, I notice how my usual social anxiety doesn't seem present or at least different.  I am taking time for myself but also trying to engage with the adults. 

I am slightly triggered by how the parents are treating their children - they expect too much of small kids and aren't fully letting them be kids.  I am grateful to be able to give the kids space to be 5, 3, and 2.  These kids seem to love me and I love them even though I've known them for 2 days. 

I do hope the kids don't pass germs to me that will lead to illness.  They go to daycare and it's been a while since I've been around little ones.  I just don't want to be sick in my first week of work.

Things are still working out, but I feel a bit better knowing how where I will start my first day of work.  I am still waiting to hear if we were approved for our apartment.  Things just move at a different pace in this state and I am trying to slow down. 

I have a emotion freedom tapping app on my phone and in one of the guided tappings, the leader says something like "I can't stress out a solution."  That really sticks with me and I am definitely trying to stress out solutions. 

[Larry]

hi rainy,  i hope you have a sunny day 

[Armee]

You seem to have a really sweet connection to kids and young adults, Rainy. It's a special gift. I don't doubt for a second the love you feel flowing between yourself and those children. 

You've had a lot of change and it seems you are doing really well. I'd be horrified to have anyone coming in and helping pack my house without me present. Yuck. Let alone those in laws.

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you. 
.....
Armee, thank you for this reflection.  I don't know why but I feel like I have to acknowledge my flaws here - if the kids were under 2, I would struggle.  Babies and I do not get along.  But 2 and up I do ok.  I don't know why this matters, but it is something I notice about myself.  I highly doubt my in-laws will actually do any packing but I still don't like them being around our things without me being present.  It is a dirty trick they are pulling and is more about their enmeshment and lack of ability to regulate themselves. 
........
It's now been a full week since I've been away from my previous home.

I am still waiting to hear if the apartment I applied to has accepted our application.  I'm feeling stressed because I had talked to them about moving in on Saturday. 

I plan to call them when they open to figure out what is going on.  My intuition tells me this is intentional and they are playing some game that makes sense to them but is causing me angst.

I am really worn out with being in the home of other people.  Their kids had a rough night last night and were crying and screaming.  It was really activating to me. 

I think what was activating is that the kids' reactions make sense to me and I don't like the way their parents are responding.  I also know what it is like to be an adult when a kid is strongly emoting and you don't know what to do.  I mostly just feel like I am in the way. 

This morning my cat woke me up early (another reason we really need out of this place so she can have more room to roam at night and not bug me the whole night). 

As I was laying in bed, I remembered a time in college when I was a houseguest with a friend.  It was such an uncomfortable experience and I found that I am still carrying some of that discomfort. 

I hadn't thought about or remembered that experience for a long time and it was weird to have it come up now.

My husband was also a bit rude to me yesterday and it upset me.  It was an instance where I recognized that he is stressed and when he gets like that, he does what he learned from his family and tries to pass off responsibility.

What bugs me the most about his parents going to "help" him pack is that they are not giving him space to do this thing which he is perfectly capable of doing.  He tells himself this story of how we had no friends or anyone in our town - that isn't true.  His cousin lives nearby and he has work friends that I know would help. 

I'm also really bothered by the weird sense of responsibility he feels for his niece.  He brings her up like he is a decision maker for her and it makes me sick.  I struggle to handle the gross way that child is being raised.  It's hard to watch and I want to scream at him to leave it alone. 

This is a hard time and I hope to keep taking care.

[rainydiary]

I heard from the apartment complex I applied to.  Our application was approved and I can move in tomorrow as planned. 

I am so grateful that I will have my own space tomorrow.  It will be minimalist for a while until our stuff arrives but it will be good to have our own space.

I haven't felt well mentally today and noticed that my interactions and perceptions with one of the adults I am staying with triggered an EF.  I felt really judged by her and found myself feeling smaller and smaller.  I also felt bad that I said something this morning to her and her daughter that came out the wrong way. 

That is passed now as I will be leaving tomorrow and I think the best solution is for us to all have our own space.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Bach]

Thinking of you, rainy 

[Armee]

That will be amazing to have your own space. 

When does your husband join you?

[rainydiary]

Thank you all, I wanted to update to say I am in my own apartment and my cat can wander as she pleases.  I am exhausted and sore but feel much better.

My husband is about 2 weeks from joining me given the timeline of when we could get movers. 

I will share more tomorrow. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
So glad to hear you're in your own apartment and I hope you get chance to relax a bit today, and do whatever you want to do.   
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you.  There were good things about today - I now live near the sea and enjoyed seeing the water today.
........
Now that the initial stress and settling in are over, all of my emotions are catching up.

Last night I had trouble sleeping.  I am using a cot which wasn't the most uncomfortable way to sleep, but not the same as a bed.  Since the apartment doesn't have much in it yet, sound really moves around. 

In between periods of sleep, I thought about my week with the folks I staged with.  The mother of the family and my primary contact as she is a colleague of my husband, really triggered me.  I think I triggered her too.  I am noticing that some of our interactions were rather "mean girl" in tone.  It surprises and makes me feel shame that I responded that way to her.

It was hard though to watch her expect her 5, 3, and 2 year old to be more adult than they are.  Her expectations are too high and are that they will follow some plan she has.  Her absolute control in the house was so strongly felt by all and I felt smothered by it.  I think she must have things she is trying to keep at a distance and I just hope she learns that being responsive to her children isn't a science or exact thing. 

Earlier I thought about a person I was roommates with in college for one semester.  I'm not sure why we roomed together or why this is even coming up.  A lot of college memories have been coming up and I don't really understand why.

I miss my husband and I miss my things that signal comfort.  I am doing my best and I am hanging in there.  But there is still a distance to go. 

[sanmagic7]

here's to having everything settle as quickly as possible, rainy.  love and hugs

[Armee]

It's hard to be in so much Flux. Lots of emotions and memories makes sense. I am looking forward to seeing how this new move works out for you and H.