Rainy Diary 2021

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

This is really big stuff you're getting out and I appreciate it. We're here to listen. When i first read your post this morning about the birthday, it crossed my mind if your h might be a narcissist too as it sounds like other members of his family are. Often we choose our FOO all over again without realizing it. Repetition compulsion is a powerful thing. It's just dawned on me that I go after unavailable people like my m after how many years and am probably still not cleared of it

Hope you're able to talk it out with him.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your words.  The word narcissist feels so heavy and is a word I've considered to describe the behavior of my husband, in-laws and FOO.  I still have much to untangle but think I peeled back some layers today.
.........

Just got home from a holiday party.  It was ok and I am glad I went and that my husband went.

I sat with my discomfort today.  I feel embarrassed for all the things I wrote before about my husband.  I also realized that there have been many things with him where I didn't allow myself to feel what I truly felt.  I started to feel those things today.  I think I've worked hard to convince myself everything is fine when there are a lot of times it absolutely is not.  I think that as I heal and grow I will continue to find what is nourishing to me and will do what is right for me.

I am coming to consider more and more how important grieving is to people.  We all experience loss and pain in various forms and ways.  Yet we aren't really taught how to grieve and I really only see examples of grieving in my culture when someone dies.  That is an important time to grieve but so are all the other times that we feel loss.  I feel like all I do is grieve.

[Snowdrop]

These are tough, uncomfortable things you are facing, Rainy. I applaud your courage in doing so.

I think that as I heal and grow I will continue to find what is nourishing to me and will do what is right for me.

^^ This sounds very, very true.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself as you work through these things.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

It is heavy but it's a weight you're carrying that's not yours if it's the case. I've been learning that there are factors which led to family members developing it which makes it seem less intense and charged, so that I'm able to get some distance from it. It makes it seem less directed at you if that makes sense. Also, covert narcissism is quite difficult IMO to discern and is a mind bender.

Sending you support and the grief will eventually lift. These are really hard things you're dealing with. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about grief, it's something I haven't thought a lot about.

dolly

[Armee]

  Rainy.

Your grief is real and the things you are grieving is real. Even if society tells you you shouldn't be grieving, it is society that is wrong, not you. I am waiting for the day when I can grieve as I think you are right, that we need to grieve.

It's probably painful but ultimately more freeing to face the hurt in your marriage. That hurt you are feeling isn't just about one small incident like the action figure, but that one incident represents and embodies many other times you've felt like that in your relationship. What matters is that it has felt hurtful to you.

I also felt really guilty, reading that story about the action figure because I have such a bad memory I've done stuff like that often, not out of a bad place but I'm sure it must be super hurtful to others and I'm learning from you I need to attend to those feelings so people know they matter to me, even if I can't keep gifts straight.

[Not Alone]

I am coming to consider more and more how important grieving is to people.  We all experience loss and pain in various forms and ways.  Yet we aren't really taught how to grieve and I really only see examples of grieving in my culture when someone dies.  That is an important time to grieve but so are all the other times that we feel loss.  I feel like all I do is grieve.

We do have many losses in our lives. I agree that it is important to allow ourselves to grieve. It is a blessing when we find people who can be present with us in our grief.

[rainydiary]

Snowdrop, I appreciate the hope for gentleness as I trend toward being harsh with myself. 
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Dolly, I appreciate your words and sharing what you've learned about narcissism.  I actually think society paints grief in a negative way.  When I really think about interactions I've had with kids I work with, I see that most of our conversations have actually had a grieving element - sharing how a teacher that was harsh, showing me a scratch or some other outward "owie," talking about a conflict with a friend, etc etc etc.  I never thought of it as grieving but I think it is.
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Armee,    I've been thinking how I share my experience but I don't know how people experience me.  People don't tell me how I come across.  I can't fully control that however feel compelled to own my stuff.  I appreciate your support.
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Not Alone, I agree it is so helpful to have folks that give us space to grieve.
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I'm in a weird space right now.  I feel all tangled up.

My husband and I have some difficult interactions yesterday and today.  When he gets uncomfortable or something doesn't quite go the way he hopes, he seems to go into an EF or what I interpret as an EF.  Often in these moments, he speaks very unkind words to me.  Sometimes I simply perceive his words as unkind but sometimes the words are intentionally unkind. 

This is not new behavior but I experience it differently now.  Yesterday I pushed back on his unkind words.  I wish I had handled it differently but it is new for me to stand up for myself directly in the moment. 

I'm not sure what I am trying to sort out right now.  I am just really noticing how much I've pushed down how I've felt having someone I care about turn into such a jerk at times.  I think I've tried to own it and fix it and prevent it.  I'm tired of doing that.  I'm tired of justifying for him that he learned bad ways of managing himself from his parents (which is true) especially when he says hurtful words to me. 

Nothing in me is saying "Get out," but I hear "You deserve better." 

Unrelated to my husband, but something I experienced yesterday - we watched a documentary about Alanis Morisette and I found it so interesting.  I have a difficult memory of her music.  I bought her album Jagged Little Pill when I was in middle school.  I now realize that the messages in her songs were beyond my maturity level at the time.  I had a lot of shame over that and tried to get rid of the album by returning it.  The store was rude and wouldn't let me return it for just not liking it.  That created more shame.  But now as an adult I can receive what she was saying.  I am trying to be caring toward that younger self. 

Around that time, I remember a person in the locker room where I did swim team ask me if I was in the military.  I was 12 years old.  I was often mistaken as an adult by people.  I was always seen as so mature yet inside I was not.  But it's also embarrassing to me for some reason. 

[Blueberry]

Around that time, I remember a person in the locker room where I did swim team ask me if I was in the military.  I was 12 years old.  I was often mistaken as an adult by people. 

That's interesting. That happened to me a lot too. 

I hear you that things are difficult between you and h. But I see you are pushing back in the moment   That's very hard for me so I understand. I imagine when you've done it a few times, it'll get easier in general and also easier to say what you want in a way you find appropriate. Whereas now it's such a feat to speak up at all.

[Not Alone]

This is not new behavior but I experience it differently now.  Yesterday I pushed back on his unkind words.  I wish I had handled it differently but it is new for me to stand up for myself directly in the moment. 

I'm not sure what I am trying to sort out right now.  I am just really noticing how much I've pushed down how I've felt having someone I care about turn into such a jerk at times.  I think I've tried to own it and fix it and prevent it.  I'm tired of doing that.  I'm tired of justifying for him that he learned bad ways of managing himself from his parents (which is true) especially when he says hurtful words to me. 

Nothing in me is saying "Get out," but I hear "You deserve better." 

A lot of big shifts occurring in that dynamic. Yea for you. 

I can relate to feeling shame and embarrassment over things that maybe others wouldn't even think twice about. I feel tender toward you and what you felt in those experiences.

[Larry]

hi rainy,  i don't know what to say,  jsut wanted to let you know that i support and appreciate you. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, thank you for your support and encouragement.  I hope we both find ways to share what is important when it is most important to do so. 
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Not Alone, there are some shifts.  I'm not sure what I am going to do.  Right now give it time and see what unfolds.  I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that deeply feels past missteps.
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Larry, I appreciate you checking in.  I am glad to have you in my community.
.........

I've been moving my body a lot more the past several days and it is helpful. 

Some of my stress with my husband the past few days is that he is getting cold feet about moving.  I am confused by it as he has frequently expressed dissatisfaction with where we live based on environmental factors we can't change (such as living at altitude and hot hot summers). 

I understand feeling uncertain and worried about a transition as I feel scared myself.  I'm more scared though of how he will handle it especially if he is just telling me he is fine with it and isn't really.  I think a lot of his complaints about where we currently live are things his mom specifically has fed him.  I'm still waiting for him to decide if he wants to experience his own life or continue to live as an extension of his parents.  Challenges with moving will come from them passive aggressively undermining and him being lost in the FOG they create. 

For now I've decided to operate on the assumption we are moving.  When I move I have so many plans: get rollerblades, take a drawing class, join a bowling league.  I also really enjoy archery yet find archery ranges a little overwhelming.  These are certainly things I can do where I currently live, but wow I am ready for a change of scene. 

I heard from my student Brave One which brings me joy.  I am becoming more and more resolved at the idea of just jumping into my own business when we move.  It's a bit tricky to be too proactive as I need a business license and until we are there I don't know that I can apply.  I feel a bit vulnerable right now as I don't have work to sustain myself.  I often operate with the understanding I may need to support myself and would like to get back to doing that. 

I've had intense dreams of late that I can't really remember.  I am becoming more and more me.  It is exciting but I'm also scared.  I'm scared because I worry what else I will find inside that I've been ignoring.  I'm not bad scared, just scared of not living in denial.

[rainydiary]

I am watching a continuing education presentation and it is about trauma. 

I always learn and am drawn to presentations like this but I am still almost always triggered by them.  This in particular is providing me with more vocabulary which I appreciate...but my body is also reacting. 

I would like to write what is coming up.  Some of these thoughts/feelings came up yesterday but now I think I have more words to describe that is happening and why these types of presentations feel so lacking to me.

What these presentations bring up is my discovery of trauma in my life.  It did not happen in a gentle or comfortable or understanding way.

I took a meditation course and I can still remember the moment where I broke.  We were in a group and our prompt was to share about a happy memory from childhood. 

I was last in the group and knew I was in trouble.  In that moment as I heard others talk about their childhood, I partially acknowledged that my childhood was not good.  I didn't have the words at the time and it came out as me bursting into tears and not understanding what was happening to me.

The facilitator did come over to me and tried to help me ground, but she never said another word to me about it.  No one did.  I felt so weird and isolated after that.  I've noticed that ever since then, I've had a lot of trouble in my yoga trainings doing group meditation.  I think I am afraid of something that big bursting out on me again. 

In my first yoga teacher training, I also had similar difficulty during a particular portion of the training where I felt myself losing control.  I tried talking to one of the instructors about it and felt blown off by them.  I have hurtful theories about why they did that and maybe I misunderstood which is why I don't want to say what those theories are. No one in that training offered an explanation of what was happening either.  So I felt isolated and weird.

Perhaps those folks felt like it wasn't their job or in their scope to explain trauma to me.  But it would have helped me.  I think more people need to know how their brain works and what trauma is in order to become acquainted with their experiences. 

I think I will need to take a lot of breaks to get through this presentation. 

[Armee]

Hi Rainy. You're doing really important hard work, noticing what's coming up during the training, and acknowledging how your husband's hurtful words and behaviors aren't ok. 

There's some book on trauma and mediation I had to turn to to try to understand why even five minutes of turning inward was so terrifying and caused such bad dissociation. I felt similar to what you describe feeling abandoned by instructors when I was unexpectedly triggered by other people breathing in yoga. I was alone shaking and sobbing in a very crowded yoga class and completely bewildered by what was happening. I'm sorry you have had the same experiences. You will be a much netter yoga teacher because you have lived this stuff.

[paul72]

hi rainyday
I feel so inadequately equipped to reply...
but I wish you well today... i can understand that drive to learn more which seems to come at a personal cost, yet hopefully with some benefits too
My break came suddenly and hard too... it really was an event that was just so hard to pin down and impossible to explain to anyone ... I think now, it was a point of releasing at least some denial. Wishing you peace and joy and understanding today (and always)
I'm sorry for your pain.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate you sharing your experiences.  I am sorry that happened to you.
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Paul, I appreciate your words and support.
.........

I made it through the presentation and cried some helpful tears. 

One thing I did appreciate was how the presenter shared Loving Kindness meditation.  I struggle with this meditation but found their approach helpful - first they had me consider a being (I chose my cat) in whose company I feel joy and then led us to consider that we are in a circle with that being. 

As I make progress, I realize how many things I do to create rituals and routines that are just keeping me distracted.  One of these is that I have a lot of different journals for different purposes that are difficult to maintain. 

I was reviewing old entries in one of these journals and was really shook by what I read.  Around this time last year (and really for most of 2020), I was going through the same difficult feelings with my husband as I am now and I had completely blocked that out.

I considered why this might be.  Last year this time was still before the vaccine was released.  I was constantly distracted by work and a particularly draining job.  I was training for my ultra marathon.  My cat was unwell most of the summer.  I quit that draining job.  I began focusing on the future. 

Without the overwhelming amount of distractions, I am returning to the feelings I've been brushing up against for a while.  2020 was complicated given the pandemic but also in being my first year of recognizing and learning to manage CPTSD and trauma work. 

I feel driven to have a concrete next step in my marriage.  I'm not there yet.  I do think I may have some difficult conversations coming my way in 2022.  But for now there is so much at play and I need to continue untangling what is going on.  I also need a way to support myself financially. 

I am really tired after all of this today and hope I can find ease the rest of the day.