Rainy Diary 2021

[Armee]

 

That's a lot of big stuff to be thinking about and feeling. You're doing great staying with the feelings. That's not easy to stay present and aware of those things when there's trauma.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your words and comfort.
..........
Yesterday I spent some time on Out of the Fog and it made me feel worse.  I think I tend to blame myself for everything.  This morning as I was running, I began to see it might be helpful to reflect on the past a bit.  Times where I was hurt and didn't really acknowledge it myself.

I see my college years as a time where I took advantage of things that I couldn't do as a high school student - I was really involved in campus and loved being in a sorority.  I definitely had a lot of relational issues with others and used alcohol unsafely and these things make me feel really ashamed still.  But the past year taught me that I had people that genuinely cared about and liked me. 

I didn't really do much to prepare myself for a career and adulthood.  It came upon me like a wave.  I was really depressed my last semester as I had no idea what to do with my life.  I did end up getting contacted by the company I would work for, but I didn't have that lined up for exactly after graduation.  So I went home.

My dad came to see my graduation and drive me home.  That experience was really hurtful.  I proudly showed him my sorority house and introduced him to people I cared about.  He didn't say much but his body language said a lot.  In just a few glances, I felt like a piece of garbage and all the good feeling I had about my life in college was undone.  To minimize my hurt I told my mom I hadn't liked going to college there anyhow which she promptly told my dad. 

I went through the interview process at the company and was offered a job.  Through it all my dad was harsh about how I handled the interview and as my time at home drew to a close our family dynamics became unbearable.  He yelled at me and insulted me and criticized me.  My mom did her stuff of telling him things I said in confidence which he then yelled at me about. 

I didn't feel like I had a choice - I had to work at this company to get myself out of my home.  But it was never a good fit.  From the start I was like "Why am I here?"  I had no idea what I was doing.  I also wasn't sent off with a lot of confidence in myself either. 

My work started out ok - I was able to build relationships with people and act in ways that made me look good.  That didn't last.  I'm not sure what I did, but I eventually moved from the "good" list to the "bad" list and things got rough from a professional standpoint. 

I can remember the time where I think I started to dissociate and make some really poor relationship choices.  All of this led to the time of meeting the person that I would marry. 

[Armee]

 

[Blueberry]

 
Sounds like tough things to be remembering rn.

I'm sorry being on OOTF made you feel worse. Happens to me sometimes there too. Replies can be rather harsh.

[Not Alone]

I hear and feel the enormity of hurt in what you told. It makes me sad. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, 
.....
Blueberry, 
I appreciate the understanding about Out of the Fog.  I think what got me was the symptom of avoidance.  I avoid a lot of things.  I started self-diagnosing and it made me feel awful. 
.....
Not Alone, I appreciate the words and understanding.  It makes me sad too and I have so much compassion for my younger self. 
..........
I spent a lot of time writing in my paper journal today. 

I think I am really stressed about seeing my parents next week.  I don't want to go and only suggested going to avoid a conflict with my husband.  It hurts me that I apparently haven't made it clear to him that I don't want to spend time with them and that the only way to not spend holidays with my in-laws is this.  I would rather us do something for ourselves but he feels pressure to be around family at Christmas. 

I have all these issues and complaints and hurts in my life and right now I am focused on the ones my relationship to my husband has brought me.  Right now I catch myself holding it all in.  Even if speaking it out doesn't change whatever issues and complaints and hurts he has, keeping it all in isn't going to help. 

What I hope to do is get very clear within myself what I am hoping for and intending and to share that and then do the things that are important to me to do.  I've erased myself and made myself small and kept silent for too long. 

[Armee]

Everything you are going through is difficult and painful but I have this sense of a bold beautiful strong being breaking out of a metal cage. Keep going!

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

It sounds like you're looking at the past in a new way which can be difficult but also positive that you're seeing things you need in a relationship that allow you to feel good.

I'm sorry your parents went behind your back like that. I understand how frustrating and violating it feels. My family used to do that all the time and it made me feel like I couldn't trust anyone and humiliated and small.

Lots of support for your upcoming visit with the family. I've heard quite a few people at work talking about not going home for the holidays as it's just easier, and a lot happier, for them to do that.



dolly

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate the visual.   
.....
Dolly, I appreciate your support.  I hope one day to celebrate holidays in a way I like.  I have come to try to bring joy and celebration more often during the year and not just focusing on these end of year holidays. 
.........

Today I finished a course I purchased in like 2019 on starting a private practice.  I had started the course but not finished it.  Today I finished the lessons in the main course. 

There are a few more supplemental courses that were included that I think I will look at. 

I have a more defined plan for having a private practice than I did before.  It feels like I could do it. 

Something else I've been exploring are colors.  I recently started wearing nail polish again after finding a company in Hawaii that makes nontoxic products.  I am also looking more at ThredUp (which sells secondhand clothes). 

My personal style has been to hide and not draw attention to myself.  I am enjoying trying out different colors and trying to build up some outfits.  Pants are the most challenging to find. 

I am still waiting for some things to resolve but feel still today. 

[rainydiary]

I had written a reminder to myself to write about something I remembered.  I'm not quite sure what to make of this:

My parents were stationed in Europe the year I met the person that would become my husband. 

I flew to Europe to visit my parents and two of my siblings for Christmas.  It was a long and difficult journey as a huge snow storm had hit where I lived and resulted in my flight being cancelled.  I was rebooked and somehow made it them (although my luggage didn't make at the same time as me).

I honestly don't remember a lot of detail from that trip.  My mom, sister, and I took several smaller trips around Europe.  Most of these trips involved my mom and sister fighting and overall was deeply unpleasant. 

The last night of the trip, I don't know why but I burst into tears and could not stop.  I was not ok and I think I knew that on this trip.  But I was with people that had contributed to it.  And what was to come was not easy either. 

I think all of my past selves and future selves met that night and I cried.  I don't remember my parents offering comfort and my siblings were confused.  I don't think I wanted to go back to my job or life but I also didn't want to stay where I was. 

I still don't know what to make of it.  I don't understand.  I had forgotten that happened - I never spoke about it to anyone and didn't really think about it after.  I'm not sure what brought it to mind. 

[Larry]

sounds like a really confusing time, 

[Armee]

I wonder if it's reason this came up now will become more clear. Either way big hugs for what you went through that brought those tears on and I am sorry you were left emotionally  all alone with those emotions.

You have a right to spend Christmas without either family and I hope that you are able to do that one of these years.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate you naming that - it was and still is very confusing.  Thank you for checking in.
.....
Armee, I thought on what happened and will share more below.  The other day someone asked my husband and I what our traditions are at Christmas and it was really embarrassing.  We are not on the same page.  We often travel and have spent the holiday together just us but there is always this undertone like it is inappropriate.  I often get the impression that either he or someone in his family doesn't see us as a family just because it is the two of us and a cat.  I also know that his mom especially puts a ton of pressure on him to be home at the holidays.  My contribution is that anxiety drives me to expect and act in ways that I am just beginning to acknowledge.  I hope one day to celebrate in a way that feels right. 
.........
This afternoon has been somewhat restorative - I painted my nails this orange color.  I thought I would hate it but it has really woken up something in me. 

After I posted on here, I spent time in my paper journal thinking about that time.

First, unrelated to that but which I realized while journaling, Taylor Swift's extended version of her song All Too Well really resonated with me when I was listening to it a few weeks ago.  I haven't acknowledged how many of the words in her song have stuck with me.

I thought about the context of what was going on for me that year (which was 2008) which I think I'll end up building on here.  Beginning in 2006 and leading up to that year I had put all I had into my job and it seemed to go well.

Early in 2008 I visited my sister overseas where she was doing study abroad.  Not all of me returned from that trip and I began to really struggle at work.  My poor fit for the work as well as lack of management and genuine professional development and support widened the gap of what I could do and what I was somehow supposed to know how to do.

I also had a rather abusive relationship with a guy I should have stayed a long way from.  Off and on that year we had sexual interactions that were damaging to me and yet I clung and clung and clung but felt so empty.  I think that for so long I thought my worth was determined by my ability to have a relationship and be attractive to men, but this was not good on any level for me. 

In the later half of the year, I visited with my brother and his family.  I also went to a wedding of some folks I knew at one of my high schools.  There I also saw and talked with a guy that I had deeply crushed on in high school.  I felt so separate from others.

I went to a random event with a friend and ended up introducing myself to the person that would be my husband.  We had a good conversation and I simply wanted to talk to him to more.  In retrospect I am the one that kept the momentum going and I'm not sure he would have tried to connect after that event.  Up until I left to visit my family for Christmas, it felt like things were going well...or at least I wanted to think they were.  Around the time I left, I noted something was off between us but I didn't consciously register it.  I chose to ignore it.

So I think the crying was somewhat that I didn't want to go back to my job.  I wanted to stay and reset with my parents.  Yet doing that would never have occurred to me and I don't think it would have gone very well.  I also knew that something was wrong in my budding relationship and I had no tools to deal with that either.

I left to go back and deal the best I could.  2009 was an extremely difficult year and I set myself up for things I am still dealing with the fall out from.   

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I replied to your thread yesterday but not sure if I accidentally deleted it  Sending you support right now with all this coming up for you. It sounds like you are coming "out of the fog" and going back and looking at things in a different way which is not easy  Sometimes we have to live so long with what we think is normal that we get pushed down and it's not right but it doesn't mean that we're at fault for not being able to handle them at that moment. Sometimes these things are so big that there's no way we could handle them all at once or we can't make sense of it.

I relate to a lot of what you're saying and understand how frustrating and violating it feels to have your parents go behind your back like that. It used to happen in my family and I can feel myself shutting down and walling up. I think it also led to a lot of trust stuff with other people.

Talking to people at work this year, it's come up more that people aren't spending the holidays with family as there's less stress. Hope you find something that's right for you.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you.  You other post did show for me - it might have gotten buried in my very long posts.  I wanted to mention as you noted you have noticed forgetting or missing things.  I appreciate your support and understanding.
.........

I am pretty worn out today. 

I am trying to take it easy. 

I notice these days leading up to Christmas don't feel real and I am in this odd space.

I have done errands today so far. 

I'm not sure if I have this impending sense of doom or what. 

Something I haven't mentioned here but has been on my heart:  my brother closest to me in age texted me earlier this week.  One of his daughters is experiencing lower back discomfort while running track.  He asked me about yoga stretches she could do.  I was really caught off guard.  I sent him some links to videos I do on YouTube. I hope it helps.

I realize I really want to be a resource for others.  I don't feel like I am.  I think I keep folks at a distance.  I am making steps to feeling less in danger with others but still have a long ways to go.