Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Thank you all. 

As I prepare for bed, my Critic is starting to eat at me. 

I get very big ideas and then start to feel pressure at how I will accomplish them. 

I am also learning a great deal about privilege I hold and I want to be mindful of that.  But I think that I then try to be something I am not for the sake of some role I think I should play. 

The path ahead is bright but also scary.  I doubt myself in many ways and right now feel frustrated at some things not working out. 

I hope sleep helps.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

This sounds great with respect to business and learning more about your relationship with your husband. It sounds like you really have a plan for what you want to do and have thought about how to go about getting it. Wishing you lots of strength with your inner critic. It's hard sometimes to see that they're protectors trying to help you too, formed in the difficult situations you had to go through.



dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that sleep was helpful to you last night.   
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate the support.  It is helpful for me to consider the critic as a protective voice.
.....
Hope, thank you for the support. 
........

I am feeling unsettled so far today. 

There are a lot unresolved things in my life right now.  I think I will list them out.

I am waiting for an electric car that I ordered over a year ago.  It is close and I am not sure if I should just wait or reach out to my contact at the dealer.  As much as I want to the car to be here, I also find dealing with car dealerships very annoying.

I am waiting to hear anything other than automated messages from the jobs I applied to.  My experience in my current state is they are always in need of people in my job and reach out very quickly.  The new state seems to function differently and rather slowly.  This process also makes me wonder why I keep trying to play by others' rules and why I keep putting myself through these hoops. 

My birthday is this week and several social events.  I still would rather always be by myself but am trying to explore being in group with others especially others that in the past I have enjoyed. 

In a few weeks a visit to my parents.  I don't want to go although I think it will be "good" to visit and see my grandmother.

My husband is somewhat on edge about his job.  In these times of transition in the past he hasn't handled things well and has involved his parents in ways that I find unhelpful.  I am trying to trust in his growth and in mine but it is scary.   

I have also learned so much and not sure how to integrate it all. 

*sigh*

[Blueberry]

That sounds a lot, rainydiary. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate the validation and comfort.   
........

I'm having trouble falling asleep and thought it might help to get some thoughts out.

Today ended with a lot of comfort.  My husband and I had a good dinner and watched a show we enjoy.

I heard from my car dealer today that the vehicle I ordered is on a train on its way to our state.

I had a lot of feelings today.  Mostly depression.  I read a chapter of The Tao of Fully Feeling and gained a lot from it.  I did find the end of the chapter I read a bit insensitive and it made me angry that a less informed version of Pete would phrase things the way he did.

I feel so called to make my own business but am also afraid.  My husband hasn't expressed support of late about my idea but he might just not be sure how serious I am as I've talked about it for a long time.  I want to name my practice Inner Guide Communication Project.  I started trying to create a logo and hope to keep tackling small things to be prepare myself. 

I'm having trouble sleeping given an interaction I had with someone I knew in high school today.  It ended up being a positive interaction yet really demonstrated how stressed I still am over the perception of others.  I think this will always be a struggle but I am really feeling how much I worry about what others think of me. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Hope you're finding some rest. I always have such a hard time with work stuff. To me, I think we depend on these companies/ people for our "survival" much the same way we depended on our dysfunctional parent/s and have the same "anxious" attachment that is underlying the relationship, which then brings up all sorts of stuff.

I can imagine it's distressing going back home in a couple weeks after the interaction you had with your family and what's been coming up. Maybe you're not at ease with how that's going to go? Do you have a plan of how to manage the visit?

Happy early birthday  I hope you get to do what you want to do with people around you that support you.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your post.  I think applying for jobs is waking attachment stuff I have.  I will explore the prospect of visiting my parents below - I appreciate you bringing that forward.  Thank you for the birthday wishes.  ❤️
.........

I finally got to sleep last night although I don't feel especially rested today. 

I hadn't thought of this, but I haven't physically been in the same place with my parents since I acknowledged that their behavior and approach to raising children was abusive and neglectful.  I realized all that right before the pandemic and haven't visited them in a while.  I think that perhaps I feel a bit of a test coming in seeing how I manage and what I notice now in being together. 

My past experience in visiting with them is that since my husband will be there, they will put their best foot forward.  We also tend to leave and do things we want although it is a bit tricky to do that given where they live.  We will have our own car and space to go at their house.  I think I will consider a lot of ways to give self care before, during, and after the visit. 

I think I am feeling off as I've had many things "end" and what is to come isn't quite here yet.  I'm in a weird in between space and need to keep taking one step at a time. 

[rainydiary]

Yikes, this day is already taking a turn I wasn't expecting.

My husband decided to stop working for the day. 

Rationally, I understand his need for a break and appreciate that he is honoring himself. 

Yet I find it very activating to past times where he has been unhappy with work.  Those times involved him not talking to me and suddenly his parents are there "giving advice" when I had no idea what was going on. 

I support him in wanting to make changes especially as he is supporting me with my transition.  But if both of us don't have jobs I don't see how we can move forward. 

He hasn't quit his job and maybe he just needs a break today.  But this is all triggering right now. 

[Armee]

 

Taking a day off is a good act of self-care and I'll sit here crossing all my fingers for you that this isn't a replay of unhealthy (un)coping you've seen in the past with your husband and that he is instead growing along with you.

In the mean time: 

Triggers suck.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

It sounds like a good thing to spend some time with. The relationships we have with our parents take time to shift (imo and tried and tested experience  ). They're our most important attachment growing up and we often want so much (ideally) from them and it's hard when they don't meet those expectations. I find myself being a completely different person when I'm back home. It's incredible how it happens and fast too. I guess it's good in a way but also beyond challenging.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way and I may be off base here, but I was wondering if some of the issues coming up with your husband and his family are projections of your concerns about your own family dynamics that you haven't dug into yet and this is why they're so unsettling to you?

Sending you some support,

dolly

[Larry]

hi rainy,   i hope you enjoy your day

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your words.  It does seem like his taking the day was self care.  I have more to explore of what this is taking me back to.
.....
Dolly, I appreciate your words.  Stuff with my family and my in-laws are things I definitely use to distract myself from the dynamics with my husband.  I will explore more below.
.....
Larry, thank you, I hope your day goes well.
..........
Yesterday ended up being a day of mutual rest.  My husband really wanted space which surprised me.  Given that he grew up and is still somewhat enmeshed with his family, I haven't experienced him setting boundaries with me.  It was a different experience yet I tried to be open to it as an opportunity to grow. 

I think I haven't really been resting since I quit my job, just pushing down feelings and trying to stay busy with meaningless stuff.  It's hard to let go of the pressure I put on myself as well as the reality of living in a world where we feel pressure to produce and work and spend money. 

I woke up this morning and remembered a time with my husband that I think I am flashing back to.  This was about 8 years ago where we made a move to a different state.  We shouldn't have made the move.  It was terrible and resulted in so much pain.  We existed in this horrible space where we weren't communicating with one another and we were both stuck.  It was an incredibly lonely period for both of us.  Part of me is afraid that will happen again.

When he starts getting dissatisfied, I worry we are heading back to that time.  And yet I think I am not remembering all the growth that has taken place over the past decade in each of us.  I struggled for so long to actually face our relationship and to be present for it.  I put up with a lot of things that hurt me because I didn't want to be abandoned like I was as a child.  And yet I still felt abandoned by him in a number of ways and times which hurt and made me want to give up on our relationship. 

I think that is why we ended up living where are now.  I think we came to this state to heal and break cycles and patterns.  Now we've done that and are ready to continue forward in a different way. 

[rainydiary]

A difficult thought came up while I was running and I would like to just get it out so I can move on:

Tomorrow is my birthday. 

I am remembering a time when my dad felt the need to say that I was conceived before my parents got married.

I don't fully understand this, but it seems like this context came up when he was entering the military and how ashamed he was to share his wedding date and the date of my birth which don't quite line up.

I don't know why he said this to me.  But what a very deep part of me heard was: you are a mistake.  Your existence is shameful.  You aren't wanted. 

This isn't the first time I've thought about him saying this to me and how it makes me feel.  But it is the first time I've written it out. 

And now also as I write it makes me think of the narrative of me as a baby.  I was born jaundiced and had an unsettled digestion when I was an infant.  More examples of what a bother I was. 

I'm scanning my memory for any positive things I was told.  I can't think of being told any.  I started to write out an example of a story my Grandma likes to tell, but now when I think of it, it just shows a little child (around 3 years old) comforting her little brother because her parents weren't doing that job. 

I can't choose how I feel tomorrow, but I would like to focus my thoughts on celebrating myself.  Today I will be gentle with myself and continue that care as long as it needed. 

[Larry]

sending you positive birthday vibes !!