Rainy Diary 2021

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

so many different areas to focus on.  i'm glad you're EF has abated, also glad you're feeling good about the new area where you're moving to.  finding a job can be tricky more times than not.  good luck with that one.  and discovering socialization that fits both your needs - i wish you well.  to me, these are daunting tasks to look forward to.  just moving is difficult - pile these other things on top and you've definitely got a challenge!

sending love and a hug filled with all the best of everything you need

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  I appreciate the reminder that this is all a lot.  It is and I know that I will be able to handle what comes.
........

Our trip is over and we are home.

I am finding myself out of patience today.

I feel overwhelmed by all I have to do. 

I just want to lay down and not do anything again.

I honestly don't miss having a job. 

I still hope to create my own business at some point.

Generally I am filled with fear.

I hope to feel more settled soon.

[Armee]

Fear.  it's a hard one to have around, and mighty powerful. Give yourself time to rest. It'll make all you have to do easier.

Welcome back home.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I'm sorry that things are difficult right now. I hope you find some space to process what is happening 

dolly

[rainydiary]

Armee, I agree, fear can be so strong.  I am realizing how ever present it has been.  I'm trying to get to know my fear, but it is difficult.
.....
Dolly, Thank you for the support.  I am realizing that writing is a huge thing for me and am realizing I should carry my journal for writing with me even when I travel.
.........

I am feeling surprised how this year is almost over.  So much has happened this year and it is a lot to integrate. 

I am feeling more grounded being back at home.  My husband and I talked about how we aren't in a huge rush to move.  I feel like I have two feet in two places and want to get it over with, but there truthfully is no rush. 

Something that I haven't talked to anyone about other than my husband: we went to a mall this past Friday (which is a big shopping day in the US) and ate at the food court.  Later in the day I saw news that there was a shooting and lockdown at the mall.  I am still feeling weird about it.  It felt safe while we were there.  I didn't read more about the event, but feel like I wouldn't go to that mall again.  That might be an overreaction but it feels like the only thing I can do to feel control over how fragile life is.

I think I have been in grief and I am also starting to feel my anger.  I feel a lot of things that are hard to put into words. 

I heard from Brave One today and it makes my day.  I emailed her some photos of my trip last week which I think she liked. 

This feels random today but I am random today. 

[rainydiary]

Something else I meant to write about but didn't: my yoga training that I've been doing since June is almost over.

Closing and wrapping things up is triggering me.  My feelings of abandonment are easily triggered and they are with the end of this. 

I feel unable to create community that I find in trainings for myself. 

I have so many ideas for my future but the part of navigating relationships with others holds me back. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I don't have anything helpful to say. Just want you to know that I've read your journal and I care. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you, Not Alone, I feel the caring. 
........

Somewhat in an EF (is it an all or none thing?) because I cried during the yoga training.

I decided to share with the group how I was feeling and my worries about relationships with others.

I cried through the whole thing.  Crying in front of others takes me back to my dad yelling at me for crying in public.  So I feel like I just did something bad when everyone in my group shared appreciation for me speaking and showing vulnerability.

*sigh*

[Armee]

Wow. I am glad you are OK Rainy. It's scary to have been so close and don't blame you for not wanting to return to the mall. I would have been celebrating your vulnerability too. And I completely understand feeling like you did something wrong and bad thanks to an EF.

Congratulations on almost being done with your yoga training! Perhaps there will be a way to stay in community with this group.

[Snowdrop]

The mall incident sounds scary, Rainy. I'm so glad you weren't there at the time, and I completely understand your feelings about it. I've had weird feelings too when something's happened, and I could have been there.

You did nothing wrong in the yoga training. Well done for sharing your feelings with the group. I'm glad they responded with appreciation.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I'm glad the yoga community was there to support and hear you. I think it was really brave to show vulnerability and explain to them what was going on with you. I know I would be experiencing an EF about showing emotion to other people.

I hope you're able to get some rest and find calm after the shooting.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your words and reflections and support.   
.....
Snowdrop, I appreciate the outside perspective.  It helps me to have this input, so thank you. 
.....
Dolly, thank you, I feel guilty for taking up space but it happened and I hope to be gentle with myself. Thank you for your support. 
.........
CN: gun violence

I decided to look up more about what happened at the mall I went to to see if they had more information.  Not that this is ok, but the gun shots seemed to be the result of a disagreement.  It still leaves me feeling yucky.

End CN

Today has been weird.  I did not sleep well last night.  I had trouble falling asleep and then had difficult dreams. 

I have been feeling put off by the jobs I've been trying to get.  They are with contracting companies.  This morning I had flashes of past experiences with jobs like this and it made my discomfort make sense. 

The lady I spoke to almost 2 weeks ago called me today with some lame reason why the job I thought I was applying for wasn't available.  I don't trust these folks and am done trying to pursue work in this way.  The conversation with her set off an EF - why say you have a job to offer that you don't really have? 

I am going to apply directly to a school district in my new state.  They want two supervisor references which sent me into another tailspin.  I decided to email three district level folks from my last job that I thought would be willing to speak kindly on my behalf.  Two of them responded they would help which makes me feel better. 

My birthday is coming up and my husband asked if I would be willing to go to a happy hour on my birthday.  I don't mind as the last one I went to was fun and we don't have plans, but this also set off some emotion.  Birthdays in my in-laws' world are so exhausting and about the different narcissists trying to "win" and dominate the day rather than just celebrating the person whose birthday it is.  My husband occasionally does something special for me but most often doesn't try.  It hurts my feelings because I try to make his birthday a good day. 

After all these feelings, I decided I needed to rest.  I read a book that was just mindless and fun to read.  My husband suggested we get take out tonight which was actually welcome as I don't think I have the energy to make the meal I had planned to.  This slower time was helpful.

Then I started reading a book about Laura Ingalls Wilder.  As a child I loved the Little House on the Prairie books.  I reread them recently as an adult and was struck by how sad they made me, especially the one where she gets married.  In this biography, the author wrote this line, "What had been punishing to survive, was heartbreaking to relive."  I am going to give this book a go as I am intrigued to learn the story behind the books she wrote (which were glamorizations of what I now know is trauma upon trauma upon trauma) but may need to stop. 

[rainydiary]

Today my focus has been on actually applying to real jobs. 

I submitted two applications to two districts near where we plan to live.

All the people I asked to be references said ok. 

And now my critics are kicking in -

"What if they don't actually need anyone in these jobs?  You are wasting peoples' time."

"You won't get a job."

"You will fail at another job."

"Are you giving up on working for yourself?  You couldn't do it anyways."

Sheesh. 

[Larry]

you are a strong and amazing person,  i admire your strength!  i know you will get the job you want and deserve.  maybe trust yourself ?

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate your words.  Self trust is something I am really focusing on and still growing in.   
.........

I am feeling tired today. 

I haven't heard anything from the jobs I applied to.  Things seem to move slower in the new state.  It is also possible they don't need anyone right now.  I think I am trying to control too much.  I will either hear or I won't. 

I have taken a lot of continuing education that I need for maintaining my licensure.  I tend to take so many courses I get lost in ideas and plans and am not sure what to think.  I think it will be good to let the dust settle a bit and process the information.

Today a person I met right before the pandemic invited me to a holiday party she will have next weekend.  I do and don't want to go.  My reasons for not wanting to go relate more to social anxiety.  I decided to risk saying I would go.  I know it will cause me a lot of stress over the next week but I think I will be more glad for trying than avoiding.