Recent posts
#81
Sexual Abuse / Self-abandonment since CSA
Last post by DD - December 15, 2025, 09:40:53 PMMy PTSD was recently triggered and that actually helped hit something home. And looking back over the last months there has been a theme of self-abandonment. It's in the songs I keep listening to on repeat. And this is actually quite hard to write about as it is so fresh a realization. All my life I've been the one to hold everything together even as I was taking an emotional beating. It's unfortunately a repeating pattern. I am the one keeping things together while I am in agony and no one sees the pain, even as a child.
I experienced CSA at the hand of my uncle as a child. My parents knew my sister had the same fate some years before me but they kept taking me there. For that and for all the other traumatic things there is a theme that always a few people knew about it, but no one came to help. So I grew up as the person who tries to save everyone because no one came to save me. They just watched me hurt, and get hurt as if it was nothing. As if it was meaningless, as if I was meaningless. So I grew up believing I was less than human. That I had to earn the right to exist and it had to be earned by being useful, kind and helpful to others. If everyone around me were fine, maybe it was ok if I existed just a little.
This led to a lifetime of people pleasing and enabling the abuse that ensued. Now I sit here having cried for some hours and just see the damage done. I don't have a question. What I am asking is to be kindly witnessed. That I exist. That I matter. That I'm allowed to be human.
I experienced CSA at the hand of my uncle as a child. My parents knew my sister had the same fate some years before me but they kept taking me there. For that and for all the other traumatic things there is a theme that always a few people knew about it, but no one came to help. So I grew up as the person who tries to save everyone because no one came to save me. They just watched me hurt, and get hurt as if it was nothing. As if it was meaningless, as if I was meaningless. So I grew up believing I was less than human. That I had to earn the right to exist and it had to be earned by being useful, kind and helpful to others. If everyone around me were fine, maybe it was ok if I existed just a little.
This led to a lifetime of people pleasing and enabling the abuse that ensued. Now I sit here having cried for some hours and just see the damage done. I don't have a question. What I am asking is to be kindly witnessed. That I exist. That I matter. That I'm allowed to be human.
#82
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by DD - December 15, 2025, 09:25:30 PMThat is very ok
#83
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 15, 2025, 08:51:59 PM
(if that's ok)
#84
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Hope67 - December 15, 2025, 07:48:10 PM #86
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by Chart - December 15, 2025, 07:40:09 PM #87
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 15, 2025, 07:01:37 PMQuote from: Hope67 on December 15, 2025, 06:51:13 PMHi Abitbroken,
Welcome. I hope you'll be kind to yourself, pace things, and that you and your little cat will both have some positive moments to enjoy. Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok
Thank you Hope67.
That is really kind of you. I will try - I do keep trying, as exhausting as it is
I appreciate the hug of support, and sending one back to you from me and my cat Miki #88
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Hope67 - December 15, 2025, 06:58:22 PMQuote from: Little2Nothing on October 29, 2025, 06:45:32 PMI do want to report that I have been making good progress in relation to my cptsd. The EMDR seems to help even if it seems it shouldn't. I find myself less apt to lose my patience, though at times it is a struggle. The feelings of aloneness are less frequent, but not less disturbing when they come.
The aloneness has been a consistent part of my life. Though I can now shake myself out of it on occasion it wins more than not. I am grateful for the progress. There is so much damage that has to be undone. I have to keep reminding myself that healing is a process. It takes time.
Hi Little2Nothing,
I am just catching up with your journal, and it was so lovely to read your progress here - I wanted to cheer you
because it is heart-warming to hear. I agree with you that healing is a process that takes time, but hearing you speak of the things you're achieving, it's very inspiring to hear.Sending you a hug
#89
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Hope67 - December 15, 2025, 06:51:13 PMHi Abitbroken,
Welcome. I hope you'll be kind to yourself, pace things, and that you and your little cat will both have some positive moments to enjoy. Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok
Welcome. I hope you'll be kind to yourself, pace things, and that you and your little cat will both have some positive moments to enjoy. Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok
#90
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Guilt for being traumatize...
Last post by Kizzie - December 15, 2025, 06:08:05 PMI have a long history of feeling guilty for being 'that person', the one with issues and sensitivities and reactions... As I read your post though I realized that I am feeling less so these days and the reason is understanding emotionally not just intellectually that I am this way for good reason. I was abused, we all were (and/or neglected) and that had ramifications on the heart, body and mind as anyone here can attest to.
Would I give up being 'that person' if I could? In a heartbeat. It isn't about attention seeking, if anything many of us hide our symptoms as best we can and then when they leak out because our mental and physical system are overwhelmed, boom we feel that guilt you write about.
In addition to now knowing that my symptoms are part of who I am because of what happened to me (the same as if I'd been in a car accident), I see now that if someone has a medical condition likes heart issues, cancer or whatever, we (society) don't hold them accountable and we understand they need to manage their health and well-being. I've come to believe that we deserve the same. It's one reason for this website, forum and for the book and healthcare project just completed - they are meant to educate others (and ourselves) about what happened to us, how it impacted us, why we deserve understanding, respect and support, and to take away the guilt so many of us feel.
I hope you will be able to let go of the guilt as you recover
Would I give up being 'that person' if I could? In a heartbeat. It isn't about attention seeking, if anything many of us hide our symptoms as best we can and then when they leak out because our mental and physical system are overwhelmed, boom we feel that guilt you write about.
In addition to now knowing that my symptoms are part of who I am because of what happened to me (the same as if I'd been in a car accident), I see now that if someone has a medical condition likes heart issues, cancer or whatever, we (society) don't hold them accountable and we understand they need to manage their health and well-being. I've come to believe that we deserve the same. It's one reason for this website, forum and for the book and healthcare project just completed - they are meant to educate others (and ourselves) about what happened to us, how it impacted us, why we deserve understanding, respect and support, and to take away the guilt so many of us feel.
I hope you will be able to let go of the guilt as you recover