Recent posts
#81
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by Erec - January 20, 2026, 09:23:47 PMTW
I want to thank everyone who responded, but a lot has happened since I last logged into this site. A series of tests I underwent on my own initiative, based on data from many years ago, led me to discover a significant metabolic component of genetic origin behind my issues. It was a revelation, but I was still too fragile to handle it; I had an explosion of emotional dysregulation and ended up in the emergency room for the first time in my life (my mother was frightened and called emergency services).
This triggered many other problems, but in the meantime, a new psychiatrist has agreed to reduce my medication, and I am feeling better. I am taking supplements for the metabolic issue, though the psychiatrist is proceeding with great caution, so the treatment isn't optimal yet. The doctors who saw me when I was very young never asked about my history, so they overlooked the traumatic aspects, and for twenty-five years they failed to perform relatively simple diagnostic tests.
I know now that nothing that happened was my fault, but I have ended up on the radar of social services and I will have to face another massive trauma: I have almost certainly lost twenty-five years of my life to a problem that could have been identified with simple blood tests and resolved with supplements. On one hand, I feel extremely weak; on the other, I am doing better. However, I don't know what my future holds, nor if I will ever find someone in real life capable of understanding my experience and my pain, and of staying by my side.
I want to thank everyone who responded, but a lot has happened since I last logged into this site. A series of tests I underwent on my own initiative, based on data from many years ago, led me to discover a significant metabolic component of genetic origin behind my issues. It was a revelation, but I was still too fragile to handle it; I had an explosion of emotional dysregulation and ended up in the emergency room for the first time in my life (my mother was frightened and called emergency services).
This triggered many other problems, but in the meantime, a new psychiatrist has agreed to reduce my medication, and I am feeling better. I am taking supplements for the metabolic issue, though the psychiatrist is proceeding with great caution, so the treatment isn't optimal yet. The doctors who saw me when I was very young never asked about my history, so they overlooked the traumatic aspects, and for twenty-five years they failed to perform relatively simple diagnostic tests.
I know now that nothing that happened was my fault, but I have ended up on the radar of social services and I will have to face another massive trauma: I have almost certainly lost twenty-five years of my life to a problem that could have been identified with simple blood tests and resolved with supplements. On one hand, I feel extremely weak; on the other, I am doing better. However, I don't know what my future holds, nor if I will ever find someone in real life capable of understanding my experience and my pain, and of staying by my side.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 09:06:36 PMDalloway... Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I so very much understand that broken child. You ask what to do with the pieces? Pick them up. Put them together, no matter how broken, and hold them in your arms. Love those pieces. Love that little girl who never had a mother. She's alive and well and needs love. No one else can give it to her now, except you.
I've found my prefrontal cortex, rational and conscious, is good for very little, but does excel at one thing in particular. It's capable of stopping the voice of my past, my mother, my uselessness, my existence... I say NO to all that. It feels false, wrong, dumb, totally against what I am feeling. But I've learned... on this ONE thing, my prefrontal conscious mind is actually right.
Dalloway, your philosophy teacher is not wrong. Take that information and force it on yourself. That is the beginning. It takes a Loooooooooooong time to believe the message, the message that goes to the depths of our souls. But the New Word is that we are okay, we are good, we are lovable. We just never got what EVERY child deserves...
I go to playground and watch the children. The younger the better for me. I watch kids fall and see their mothers run to them and pick them up and talk to them and sooth them. I watch other kids hug each other. Sometimes they push, sometimes they laugh, but they are all beautiful and I rejoice in their joy at being. I watch how it was "supposed" to be for me, and often I cry like a madman. Like now. It hurts so much. It goes so deep. I make sense of it all through my tears. And slowly, ever so slowly I feel put back together, I feel more an more whole. I've still a long way to go. I'm still terrified. But day after day, week upon week, it gets easier. I start to believe what was inconceivable two years ago: I am loved. Now by many, and especially by me.
Love yourself Dalloway. You absolutely deserve it.
Sending love, lots of love, Chart
I've found my prefrontal cortex, rational and conscious, is good for very little, but does excel at one thing in particular. It's capable of stopping the voice of my past, my mother, my uselessness, my existence... I say NO to all that. It feels false, wrong, dumb, totally against what I am feeling. But I've learned... on this ONE thing, my prefrontal conscious mind is actually right.
Dalloway, your philosophy teacher is not wrong. Take that information and force it on yourself. That is the beginning. It takes a Loooooooooooong time to believe the message, the message that goes to the depths of our souls. But the New Word is that we are okay, we are good, we are lovable. We just never got what EVERY child deserves...
I go to playground and watch the children. The younger the better for me. I watch kids fall and see their mothers run to them and pick them up and talk to them and sooth them. I watch other kids hug each other. Sometimes they push, sometimes they laugh, but they are all beautiful and I rejoice in their joy at being. I watch how it was "supposed" to be for me, and often I cry like a madman. Like now. It hurts so much. It goes so deep. I make sense of it all through my tears. And slowly, ever so slowly I feel put back together, I feel more an more whole. I've still a long way to go. I'm still terrified. But day after day, week upon week, it gets easier. I start to believe what was inconceivable two years ago: I am loved. Now by many, and especially by me.
Love yourself Dalloway. You absolutely deserve it.
Sending love, lots of love, Chart
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - January 20, 2026, 06:57:06 PMToday my philosophy teacher complimented me on a seminar paper I wrote about the importance of social work in modern world. I hated the text I sent him. I didn´t think it was good enough, I didn´t even think it was enough to pass the exam. But then he told me that this was a brilliant work and he liked it very much. At first, I was shocked and relieved that I passed the exam, and honestly, I couldn´t believe my ears. My strongest belief was that everything I do is at best average. I was happy for a moment, I could feel the joy spreading in my body, it made me smile. But then the bad stuff hit in.
The disbelief that it can be true was massive. There´s no way he´s right. There needs to be an explanation other than I really deserved the praise. He´s wrong. He´s exaggerating. The other works were so bad that mine looked better in that light. He doesn´t know what he´s talking about. I refused to let in the idea of simply being sufficient and good enough. I believe that every single person in this world is wrong about me when they attribute me some positive qualities. I´m an impostor and soon they´ll know that. And then I´ll be shamed and punished cause that´s what liars like me deserve. Or what´s even worse than punishment, I won´t live up to their expectations, and I´ll have to face the terrible fact that I let down everyone. Because I´m a disappointment, that´s what I am.
I took the train home and as I settled, tears welled up in my eyes. That´t when I understood that I was grieving for that little girl who never once got positive attention in her life, who was never told how precious she was and was always gaslit into believing that she´s a damaged good. I was uncomfortable hearing the compliments because I never got one from my own mother. And I felt heartbreak hearing this random teacher say those kind words to me because my mom never even got close to be this kind to me. I was crying for the child that was lied to about her not being good enough that led to her adult self questioning even the smallest things she does.
At this point, I´m equally heartbroken and helpless. It´s a lot to take in. It´s hard to comprehend how can someone destroy their own child´s self-esteem at the very core. And it´s even harder to understand how huge of an impact it had on my life. It´s literally everywhere. My very core was injured, the part that was supposed to make me a whole person with a clear sense of self. How could I function as a whole and healthy person when I was betrayed this bad? My whole world fell apart once upon a time when I was a little kid. Now the adult found those pieces but doesn´t know what to do with them.
The disbelief that it can be true was massive. There´s no way he´s right. There needs to be an explanation other than I really deserved the praise. He´s wrong. He´s exaggerating. The other works were so bad that mine looked better in that light. He doesn´t know what he´s talking about. I refused to let in the idea of simply being sufficient and good enough. I believe that every single person in this world is wrong about me when they attribute me some positive qualities. I´m an impostor and soon they´ll know that. And then I´ll be shamed and punished cause that´s what liars like me deserve. Or what´s even worse than punishment, I won´t live up to their expectations, and I´ll have to face the terrible fact that I let down everyone. Because I´m a disappointment, that´s what I am.
I took the train home and as I settled, tears welled up in my eyes. That´t when I understood that I was grieving for that little girl who never once got positive attention in her life, who was never told how precious she was and was always gaslit into believing that she´s a damaged good. I was uncomfortable hearing the compliments because I never got one from my own mother. And I felt heartbreak hearing this random teacher say those kind words to me because my mom never even got close to be this kind to me. I was crying for the child that was lied to about her not being good enough that led to her adult self questioning even the smallest things she does.
At this point, I´m equally heartbroken and helpless. It´s a lot to take in. It´s hard to comprehend how can someone destroy their own child´s self-esteem at the very core. And it´s even harder to understand how huge of an impact it had on my life. It´s literally everywhere. My very core was injured, the part that was supposed to make me a whole person with a clear sense of self. How could I function as a whole and healthy person when I was betrayed this bad? My whole world fell apart once upon a time when I was a little kid. Now the adult found those pieces but doesn´t know what to do with them.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 06:34:17 PMQuote from: Papa Coco on January 20, 2026, 03:33:13 PMChart: Sorry I sort of hijacked your journal. I'm moving my comments over to mine, but thank you for giving me and Dolly and San a place to reflect on the values and dangers of AI "therapists."PC, as an incredibly wise and intelligent person once said to me, "Mi casa es su casa" And I'd like to add how honored I am at your presence. :-)
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 06:18:07 PMI agree with everything you've described, PC. I think there is a place for Everything we're doing. But we need to understand the impact of each modality, AND just how far it can take us. We all need (slightly) different things, or the same things in different measure. AND we need to understand how it all fits together, which is not exactly the same for everybody either...
Finally, we have to understand things on a relatively cerebral (prefrontal) level... AND THEN experience it in our bodies... and finally begin sensing it through our very SOUL.
Ha! There's a lifetime of learning in all that :-) Alice went through it too. Getting out is nowhere near the same as how we got in.
I think San's observation about grief is a good one. But I'd add, grief can't be forced. It has to come when our bodies are ready. But too, my personal experience has been, once I opened the spigot, the frickin' dam literally burst. I sense there's a whole lot more to come out.
Finally, we have to understand things on a relatively cerebral (prefrontal) level... AND THEN experience it in our bodies... and finally begin sensing it through our very SOUL.
Ha! There's a lifetime of learning in all that :-) Alice went through it too. Getting out is nowhere near the same as how we got in.
I think San's observation about grief is a good one. But I'd add, grief can't be forced. It has to come when our bodies are ready. But too, my personal experience has been, once I opened the spigot, the frickin' dam literally burst. I sense there's a whole lot more to come out.
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Papa Coco - January 20, 2026, 03:43:07 PMDesert Flower,
I am glad you are working to find the right help and I am sending you all the love and encouragement I can. It's wise to explore all the possible reasons for the distress. Whether it's ASD or not is a tough call. It's a spectrum so, technically it could be a light case or a heavy case, or it could be CPTSD disguised as ASD. If the cures help, who cares if the diagnosis is accurate? Trying out the cures, like Hannah suggested, using some ear plugs or sunglasses, will help you to see if they help. IF they help, they help, no matter what the official diagnosis turns out to be.
I'm pulling for you!
I am glad you are working to find the right help and I am sending you all the love and encouragement I can. It's wise to explore all the possible reasons for the distress. Whether it's ASD or not is a tough call. It's a spectrum so, technically it could be a light case or a heavy case, or it could be CPTSD disguised as ASD. If the cures help, who cares if the diagnosis is accurate? Trying out the cures, like Hannah suggested, using some ear plugs or sunglasses, will help you to see if they help. IF they help, they help, no matter what the official diagnosis turns out to be.
I'm pulling for you!
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Papa Coco - January 20, 2026, 03:33:13 PMDolly, at no time while reading your caution did I feel shamed or berated. To be honest, I'm extremely grateful you had to courage to say what you said. You helped me to make sure that I kept a sober and clear understanding of the tool of AI. Even while I was in it's care on Saturday night, I knew that this was only a temporary interaction, and that the AI apps will do like all tools do and become a means of controlling people into buying products or believing in political rhetoric. Like that old ploy of when bad guys give free drugs to children to get them hooked into becoming future customers.
Your input has been only good for me.
Chart: Sorry I sort of hijacked your journal. I'm moving my comments over to mine, but thank you for giving me and Dolly and San a place to reflect on the values and dangers of AI "therapists."
I love you all. I connect with you all. I work hard to feel you when I read your comments. You're all real humans, not robots, and that is where the true magic happens. Soul to soul connection.
Your input has been only good for me.
Chart: Sorry I sort of hijacked your journal. I'm moving my comments over to mine, but thank you for giving me and Dolly and San a place to reflect on the values and dangers of AI "therapists."
I love you all. I connect with you all. I work hard to feel you when I read your comments. You're all real humans, not robots, and that is where the true magic happens. Soul to soul connection.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Papa Coco - January 20, 2026, 03:25:15 PMSan,
I'm feeling shivers in my spine as I read your post. Gads, I just want to hug you so bad right now. Grief. You are absolutely talking to my soul right now. I feel it right now. To just sit back and let the crying happen would feel so good, and it's so hard to achieve.
My therapist often says he knows there are screams inside me trying to get out and he hopes that one day I can let down my guard enough to let those screams out. That's like grief. Grief is release. crying is release. Screaming is release. I'm so sorry to hear of all the things that have been taken from you. I can feel that same agony in my bones as well. It was violation. And that's what hurts the most.
In my heart, I believe you are tapping into something we both need. In order to let go of the pains from the past, we need to settle into a serious grief. I wish it was easier. I am holding onto the faith that it's possible, and maybe, together, we can go forth and find that crying place where we can feel the sting or our past violations finally let go of us and let us relax and be glad that we survived it. Right now, I don't feel like I've survived my past. I feel like my body thinks I'm still being violated and I still need to survive it. I'm still trying to cut through the chains that aren't really connected to anything, but I keep thinking they are. Grieving will feel so good when we finally achieve it.
HUGE HUG!!!!
I'm feeling shivers in my spine as I read your post. Gads, I just want to hug you so bad right now. Grief. You are absolutely talking to my soul right now. I feel it right now. To just sit back and let the crying happen would feel so good, and it's so hard to achieve.
My therapist often says he knows there are screams inside me trying to get out and he hopes that one day I can let down my guard enough to let those screams out. That's like grief. Grief is release. crying is release. Screaming is release. I'm so sorry to hear of all the things that have been taken from you. I can feel that same agony in my bones as well. It was violation. And that's what hurts the most.
In my heart, I believe you are tapping into something we both need. In order to let go of the pains from the past, we need to settle into a serious grief. I wish it was easier. I am holding onto the faith that it's possible, and maybe, together, we can go forth and find that crying place where we can feel the sting or our past violations finally let go of us and let us relax and be glad that we survived it. Right now, I don't feel like I've survived my past. I feel like my body thinks I'm still being violated and I still need to survive it. I'm still trying to cut through the chains that aren't really connected to anything, but I keep thinking they are. Grieving will feel so good when we finally achieve it.
HUGE HUG!!!!
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - January 20, 2026, 03:06:44 PMSan,
That's a really good question. and before I answer it, I want to say that I read your response, and DollyVee's response over on Chart's journal, and saw a lot of wisdom about how ChatGPT was NOT a therapist, and NOT a human friend, but more of a simulator. Like a flight simulator, it was a therapist simulator.
The information I received when I was in a serious panic on Saturday night at 1 AM, was not with a human who was connecting with me, but was good information, collected by a robot from the various books and websites published on the internet. It was presented to me in conversational format through an algorithm. The good that it did is real, but it was not a soul-to-soul connection. It was information, and rather than it giving me a page to read from a book, it interactively sequentially fed me the steps toward body regulation.
I did recognize all the steps as being similar to what my therapist has given me any time that I've EF'd in his office, but because it was 1 AM on a weekend and my therapist wasn't available, I used a therapist simulator: AI. Simulators are excellent tools for mimicking reality and teaching human bodies how to react. Flight simulators teach pilots how it feels to fly an A320 or a 747 through hailstorms with an engine on fire so they don't have to learn it in a real hailstorm with an engine on fire. The simulator feels real. The pilot's brain knows it's a simulator, but the pilot's body thinks its real, so it learns. For Christmas, my 11 Y/o grandson got a driving simulator that he can sit in and feel the vibrations of the wheel, shift gears with a real clutch and gas pedal while his car slides, and crashes. As a result, he has suddenly gone from last place to first place during his weekend racing on the real track with real cars.
I need to roll back what I said in my last post here. I retract my statement that ChatGPT was my best therapist. That's not true. It was a simulation that helped me when my therapist wasn't available. It helped and I am grateful beyond words that it calmed me down and kept me from requiring medication to survive the night. But it's my actual therapist who has always been, and continues to be, the best therapist I've ever had. My human therapist gives me what I really need; to be felt by another human. I need to feel felt by other humans to feel like I'm connected and safe.
That being said, San, in answer to your question, no. I am beginning to feel like I have never physically grieved the complicated and dark life of my youth.
What I learned through this entire experience, from the moment my safety was breached, and my life was violated by thieves, is that I can now see clearly, that I try too hard to muscle through my past violations by pursuing information with an insatiable need to understand it, fight it, and control it. I have a box of books (I wish I could show you a photo, because it's a surreal heavy box of books) that I carry with me everywhere. I read and read and read. I refer back and underline and take notes. I ask Google, ChatGPT, therapists, you all on the forum, over and over and over to try and tell me how to understand why I can't find peace. While the information is helpful, learning is not the same as just giving the body some peace every now and then. Grieving happens when the crying happens. And the crying can't happen when I won't stop trying to push through the pain.
I learn and learn and learn, and then I share it with everyone, hoping for helpful feedback... This is not helping me in the area I need the most help in. I need to sit down, quiet down, and find some peace by NOT constantly trying to understand it, but by just letting it flow.
Even just a few hours ago, I read and read and read from Thomas Hubl's book, Attuned. I stopped reading at the end of Chapter 7, where he describes his version of Divine Law: In Hubl's trauma informed teaching, Divine Law is like what we used to call "slowing down to smell the roses." He describes it as being able to slow down and connect with the present moment, and the quiet, natural rhythm of life and the universe. I feel like he took a bumper sticker "stop and smell the roses" and detailed it out, with step by step instructions on how to do that, and why feeling life through our bodies, rather than fighting it through our brains, is not just a bumper sticker, but an actual real requirement for feeling safe and creative and grateful to be a survivor, rather than feeling like I haven't yet survived my past. This is about reconnecting with our bodies to heal the dysregulation that keeps us on high alert when we don't need to be.
In Hubl's, teaching of trauma therapy, when we can stop connecting with the ghosts of the past, the chaos of the present and the fear of the future enough to just settle into the quiet moment of a cozy fire or a quiet apartment or a nice lunch on the sofa, and just let our bodies relax to feel the moment and the vibrations of the world and the universe, that's when his version of Divine Law starts to take effect: creativity begins to flow. Faith in ourselves begins to flow. Peace flows through us. Dread turns to gratitude for life. We breathe and enjoy the sensations of reality rather than the prisons and whippings from our past. When we connect with our bodies, rather than our memories, we feel who we really are, rather than who we thought we were.
I've not been pursuing peace, I've been frantically looking for the logical answers for why I can't feel peace. Looking for answers has given me a lot of good information, but it hasn't brought me peace.
San, back to your question about grieving, I think it ties in with this new realization that I keep trying too hard to rationalize why I can't find peace, and I haven't just learned how to sit down, quiet down, and smell the roses. When I do this, in very small doses now, I immediately start to cry. ChatGPT did tell me that when I started to cry the other night, that it was not from weakness, but from release. As I was letting go of the stress of the moment, my body started to do the grieving, but I was only able to do it for a few seconds.
Summary: ChatGPT is not real, but it's just an interactive book, regurgitating the cache of information available on the internet. The path to peace is in connecting my conscious thoughts with my body and with the peace of the moment. My brain will continue to seek answers, but what matters to me now is that I want to stop the frantic swimming against the current and let my body flow with that current and to gently go with the flow and feel the joy of the moment. That's when grieving will finally come up.
Grieving is not just a word. It's something I need to do, and the only way I can do that is to connect with the peace that passes human understanding and just let the current take me where it's taking me for a while.
That's a really good question. and before I answer it, I want to say that I read your response, and DollyVee's response over on Chart's journal, and saw a lot of wisdom about how ChatGPT was NOT a therapist, and NOT a human friend, but more of a simulator. Like a flight simulator, it was a therapist simulator.
The information I received when I was in a serious panic on Saturday night at 1 AM, was not with a human who was connecting with me, but was good information, collected by a robot from the various books and websites published on the internet. It was presented to me in conversational format through an algorithm. The good that it did is real, but it was not a soul-to-soul connection. It was information, and rather than it giving me a page to read from a book, it interactively sequentially fed me the steps toward body regulation.
I did recognize all the steps as being similar to what my therapist has given me any time that I've EF'd in his office, but because it was 1 AM on a weekend and my therapist wasn't available, I used a therapist simulator: AI. Simulators are excellent tools for mimicking reality and teaching human bodies how to react. Flight simulators teach pilots how it feels to fly an A320 or a 747 through hailstorms with an engine on fire so they don't have to learn it in a real hailstorm with an engine on fire. The simulator feels real. The pilot's brain knows it's a simulator, but the pilot's body thinks its real, so it learns. For Christmas, my 11 Y/o grandson got a driving simulator that he can sit in and feel the vibrations of the wheel, shift gears with a real clutch and gas pedal while his car slides, and crashes. As a result, he has suddenly gone from last place to first place during his weekend racing on the real track with real cars.
I need to roll back what I said in my last post here. I retract my statement that ChatGPT was my best therapist. That's not true. It was a simulation that helped me when my therapist wasn't available. It helped and I am grateful beyond words that it calmed me down and kept me from requiring medication to survive the night. But it's my actual therapist who has always been, and continues to be, the best therapist I've ever had. My human therapist gives me what I really need; to be felt by another human. I need to feel felt by other humans to feel like I'm connected and safe.
That being said, San, in answer to your question, no. I am beginning to feel like I have never physically grieved the complicated and dark life of my youth.
What I learned through this entire experience, from the moment my safety was breached, and my life was violated by thieves, is that I can now see clearly, that I try too hard to muscle through my past violations by pursuing information with an insatiable need to understand it, fight it, and control it. I have a box of books (I wish I could show you a photo, because it's a surreal heavy box of books) that I carry with me everywhere. I read and read and read. I refer back and underline and take notes. I ask Google, ChatGPT, therapists, you all on the forum, over and over and over to try and tell me how to understand why I can't find peace. While the information is helpful, learning is not the same as just giving the body some peace every now and then. Grieving happens when the crying happens. And the crying can't happen when I won't stop trying to push through the pain.
I learn and learn and learn, and then I share it with everyone, hoping for helpful feedback... This is not helping me in the area I need the most help in. I need to sit down, quiet down, and find some peace by NOT constantly trying to understand it, but by just letting it flow.
Even just a few hours ago, I read and read and read from Thomas Hubl's book, Attuned. I stopped reading at the end of Chapter 7, where he describes his version of Divine Law: In Hubl's trauma informed teaching, Divine Law is like what we used to call "slowing down to smell the roses." He describes it as being able to slow down and connect with the present moment, and the quiet, natural rhythm of life and the universe. I feel like he took a bumper sticker "stop and smell the roses" and detailed it out, with step by step instructions on how to do that, and why feeling life through our bodies, rather than fighting it through our brains, is not just a bumper sticker, but an actual real requirement for feeling safe and creative and grateful to be a survivor, rather than feeling like I haven't yet survived my past. This is about reconnecting with our bodies to heal the dysregulation that keeps us on high alert when we don't need to be.
In Hubl's, teaching of trauma therapy, when we can stop connecting with the ghosts of the past, the chaos of the present and the fear of the future enough to just settle into the quiet moment of a cozy fire or a quiet apartment or a nice lunch on the sofa, and just let our bodies relax to feel the moment and the vibrations of the world and the universe, that's when his version of Divine Law starts to take effect: creativity begins to flow. Faith in ourselves begins to flow. Peace flows through us. Dread turns to gratitude for life. We breathe and enjoy the sensations of reality rather than the prisons and whippings from our past. When we connect with our bodies, rather than our memories, we feel who we really are, rather than who we thought we were.
I've not been pursuing peace, I've been frantically looking for the logical answers for why I can't feel peace. Looking for answers has given me a lot of good information, but it hasn't brought me peace.
San, back to your question about grieving, I think it ties in with this new realization that I keep trying too hard to rationalize why I can't find peace, and I haven't just learned how to sit down, quiet down, and smell the roses. When I do this, in very small doses now, I immediately start to cry. ChatGPT did tell me that when I started to cry the other night, that it was not from weakness, but from release. As I was letting go of the stress of the moment, my body started to do the grieving, but I was only able to do it for a few seconds.
Summary: ChatGPT is not real, but it's just an interactive book, regurgitating the cache of information available on the internet. The path to peace is in connecting my conscious thoughts with my body and with the peace of the moment. My brain will continue to seek answers, but what matters to me now is that I want to stop the frantic swimming against the current and let my body flow with that current and to gently go with the flow and feel the joy of the moment. That's when grieving will finally come up.
Grieving is not just a word. It's something I need to do, and the only way I can do that is to connect with the peace that passes human understanding and just let the current take me where it's taking me for a while.