Recent posts
#81
Symptoms - Other / Re: Freeze response after nigh...
Last post by Teddy bear - February 10, 2026, 08:34:47 PMHi Stussy,
It seems to me that suppressing something subconscious isn't a good idea, and dreams and nightmares come from there.
As was said, it's good to process them, and through that, to process the underlying trauma. And most probably just to work on the trauma.
This could be a traumatic response (fight or flight, or freeze), which seems quite natural.
Wishing you sweet dreams 😴
It seems to me that suppressing something subconscious isn't a good idea, and dreams and nightmares come from there.
As was said, it's good to process them, and through that, to process the underlying trauma. And most probably just to work on the trauma.
This could be a traumatic response (fight or flight, or freeze), which seems quite natural.
Wishing you sweet dreams 😴
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - February 10, 2026, 07:35:48 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on February 06, 2026, 06:46:55 PMthinking of you. love and hugs
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Chart - February 10, 2026, 07:16:38 PMHey San, me too I was touched by your "routine" with your D. It's great to have that connection. I'm estranged from my eldest daughter too. Trauma. Trauma's not our fault. If I'd known then what I know now... but too: if my parents had not had their heads up someplace where no sun shines... To everyone their life. We just keep growing and never give up on those who love us back. Those who don't love... well they have to find their own way. Sad, but I focus on what I have, not what I wished had been. Seems you're doing the same with your D2.
#84
Symptoms - Other / Re: Freeze response after nigh...
Last post by Armee - February 10, 2026, 06:00:06 PMI'm so sorry you are going through this phase of CPTSD. It's awful.
Putting them out of mind probably isn't the best long term because the content is coming up to be processed. If they are so bad you can't speak about then you can also try to get them out here in writing.
I understand, not being able to speak of them. Some of my nightmares have been so horrific that the only way I could speak of them with T was doing flash EMDR first before even trying to share. There's no way I could even say anything about them to anyone else.
#85
Symptoms - Other / Re: Freeze response after nigh...
Last post by Kizzie - February 10, 2026, 04:30:19 PMHey Stussy, so sorry to hear about the nightmares. I know how frightening they can be and why you wouldn't want to talk about them. I have to agree with NarcKiddo that you may find it helps to "defuel" them by talking about them with your H. Stuffing them may feel safer and yet ironically it can give them more power.
All that said, you know you best and if you need to push away from them for now, then that may be the most helpful thing to do until you're ready to bring them out into the light of day for some "sunshine therapy" and the power of connection (i.e. with your H).
All that said, you know you best and if you need to push away from them for now, then that may be the most helpful thing to do until you're ready to bring them out into the light of day for some "sunshine therapy" and the power of connection (i.e. with your H).
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 10, 2026, 04:18:37 PMmy dear friends, my hair's kind of blown back by all the support. thank you so.
marcine, i'm so very sorry that you could relate to that. with D1, i believe i was in 'fight or flight' for nearly 20 yrs. after she was 16, it was 'waiting for the phone call', and before that it was checking her every 15 min. after she went to bed cuz she was on so many meds i wanted to make sure she was still breathing. and my darling D, the one w/ whom i live, got the scraps. and my marriage was work work work all the time, but i couldn't handle my 2 children on my own, and yet i did manage to go back to school and get my MSW and become a therapist, so i took care of myself, too, altho that added pressure did not a lot for my mental and physical health. yeah, i did it all, and it nearly killed me. so i eventually ran away to mexico to live, to save my life. i take care of myself when i'm able or when i have to. thanks for your support.
thank you, armee. yes, i did tell my T that i showed up for our session as a way to take care of myself. i forgot to tell her that i'm writing novels, and that's for me, and i write nearly every night before bed, maybe a chapter or so, but i have managed to do for me thru everything. i forgot about everything i just wrote to marcine, tho. when i'm on the spot, having to answer questions, my mind often does not click in, and i only remember later what else i could have added. still, i do the best i can. i'm taking time for me right now writing here.
hannah1, thanks for your support. it is arduous for me, especially at this late stage in my life, to start w/ a new T cuz i have so many decades, marriages, relationships to get thru besides the regular childhood stuff. and, yes, there has been a lot of healing and repairing that had to happen, including a lot of apologies from me, for my D and i to have the relationship we have. in the beginning, she wasn't sure if it would work. at all. but, we do talk a lot, are both kind and considerate, allow privacy and respect, and that goes a long way towards repairing what happened in the past. i'm so grateful we were able to make it happen.
TBB, thanks. it was good. she's very caring, very careful, asks good questions and makes appropriate faces. she was very concerned about me taking time for me, and, like i said above, i forgot about the writing i do. i did bring up that i made it to the session, and in the end she mentioned she was glad i did that. so, we're building a foundation, and so far it feels good and solid.
NK, thanks for the well wishes. it went well, she's doing everything that i'd hoped for, and so far it feels good, so i'm glad of that.
i have an interview today w/ someone from RULA. don't know if anyone's heard of it, but it's a part of the company my T belongs to therapy-wise. they send out reminders for me as to when my appt. is, about 3 or 4, actually, as well as questionnaires every week to determine how well or not i'm doing. i asked her about it, she said those are for insurance purposes. it all feels very metallic to me, but she said some of it is helpful to her. metallic as in machine-like. i asked her if it was AI, she said she didn't think so, but after one of the questionnaires, it determined that i was moderately depressed and had SI, (which has a large caveat behind it, but couldn't check a box for that) and would i like to make an appt. with a shrink. i got 2 emails about that.
i don't like machines analyzing me. maybe it's just me living in the dark ages, but even the mechanized phone systems drive me nuts, get me flustered, half the time i have to ask my D for help cuz i've just lost it and my mind doesn't work anymore. so, nervous about this, but am getting a gift card to starbucks for participating, and we'll be able to use that when we go to C2E2 next month to sell books. deep breath.
marcine, i'm so very sorry that you could relate to that. with D1, i believe i was in 'fight or flight' for nearly 20 yrs. after she was 16, it was 'waiting for the phone call', and before that it was checking her every 15 min. after she went to bed cuz she was on so many meds i wanted to make sure she was still breathing. and my darling D, the one w/ whom i live, got the scraps. and my marriage was work work work all the time, but i couldn't handle my 2 children on my own, and yet i did manage to go back to school and get my MSW and become a therapist, so i took care of myself, too, altho that added pressure did not a lot for my mental and physical health. yeah, i did it all, and it nearly killed me. so i eventually ran away to mexico to live, to save my life. i take care of myself when i'm able or when i have to. thanks for your support.
thank you, armee. yes, i did tell my T that i showed up for our session as a way to take care of myself. i forgot to tell her that i'm writing novels, and that's for me, and i write nearly every night before bed, maybe a chapter or so, but i have managed to do for me thru everything. i forgot about everything i just wrote to marcine, tho. when i'm on the spot, having to answer questions, my mind often does not click in, and i only remember later what else i could have added. still, i do the best i can. i'm taking time for me right now writing here.
hannah1, thanks for your support. it is arduous for me, especially at this late stage in my life, to start w/ a new T cuz i have so many decades, marriages, relationships to get thru besides the regular childhood stuff. and, yes, there has been a lot of healing and repairing that had to happen, including a lot of apologies from me, for my D and i to have the relationship we have. in the beginning, she wasn't sure if it would work. at all. but, we do talk a lot, are both kind and considerate, allow privacy and respect, and that goes a long way towards repairing what happened in the past. i'm so grateful we were able to make it happen.
TBB, thanks. it was good. she's very caring, very careful, asks good questions and makes appropriate faces. she was very concerned about me taking time for me, and, like i said above, i forgot about the writing i do. i did bring up that i made it to the session, and in the end she mentioned she was glad i did that. so, we're building a foundation, and so far it feels good and solid.
NK, thanks for the well wishes. it went well, she's doing everything that i'd hoped for, and so far it feels good, so i'm glad of that.
i have an interview today w/ someone from RULA. don't know if anyone's heard of it, but it's a part of the company my T belongs to therapy-wise. they send out reminders for me as to when my appt. is, about 3 or 4, actually, as well as questionnaires every week to determine how well or not i'm doing. i asked her about it, she said those are for insurance purposes. it all feels very metallic to me, but she said some of it is helpful to her. metallic as in machine-like. i asked her if it was AI, she said she didn't think so, but after one of the questionnaires, it determined that i was moderately depressed and had SI, (which has a large caveat behind it, but couldn't check a box for that) and would i like to make an appt. with a shrink. i got 2 emails about that.
i don't like machines analyzing me. maybe it's just me living in the dark ages, but even the mechanized phone systems drive me nuts, get me flustered, half the time i have to ask my D for help cuz i've just lost it and my mind doesn't work anymore. so, nervous about this, but am getting a gift card to starbucks for participating, and we'll be able to use that when we go to C2E2 next month to sell books. deep breath.
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 10, 2026, 03:42:14 PM'beneficial synergy' yep, marcine, i totally agree. since i've been connected to this forum, i've experienced that so many times. it's magic to me. life-saving. uplifting. and lots and lots of relief that i'm not weird/crazy. so glad you're here. love and hugs
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 10, 2026, 03:37:46 PMwow, hannah1, just wow! i've lived in the desert for a while, and i know what you mean about the beauty it holds in its harshness. i'm not a hiker, per se, but i've often walked thru forests, big and small, and they were my peace makers. i do hope everything heals as you need it to do so you can enjoy camping and hiking once again. sounds fabulous!
"the most triggering part is having to act like there is no trigger. Is that weird? "
to me, that makes perfect sense. not weird at all. to my mind, our world has been similar to alice's adventures 'through the looking glass' where we've had to run as fast as we can to stay in the same place, and if we wanted to move forward, we had to run twice as fast. that's what it's always felt like to me, and it helps explain to me why i'm so exhausted most of the time!
love and hugs
"the most triggering part is having to act like there is no trigger. Is that weird? "
to me, that makes perfect sense. not weird at all. to my mind, our world has been similar to alice's adventures 'through the looking glass' where we've had to run as fast as we can to stay in the same place, and if we wanted to move forward, we had to run twice as fast. that's what it's always felt like to me, and it helps explain to me why i'm so exhausted most of the time!
love and hugs
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 10, 2026, 03:28:41 PMi agree w/ what TBB says, NK. so many games w/ this hospital stay have been played at your expense. we all have our limits, and it sounds like you've found yours, and for that i applaud you 
. setting boundaries w/ families may be some of the toughest work we do. i know that from experience, have stayed too long out of familial loyalty, but in the end, i'm glad of my decisions, and i do hope you're glad about yours. love and hugs dear NK
. setting boundaries w/ families may be some of the toughest work we do. i know that from experience, have stayed too long out of familial loyalty, but in the end, i'm glad of my decisions, and i do hope you're glad about yours. love and hugs dear NK #90
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 10, 2026, 02:41:03 PMThat sounds deeply frustrating and incredibly exhausting - being pulled into a lot of effort and responsibility, only to realize afterward that you were being maneuvered all along. It makes complete sense that you're left with resentment rather than relief.
My T often asks me, "What is actually mine to carry here?" - especially when old family roles pull us into fixing, mediating, or managing things that were never truly ours to hold. Reading your post, it really stands out how much responsibility you were expected to shoulder, and how little regard there was for the cost to you.
But I really appreciate how clearly you can see it now, and how you're letting the boundary land instead of turning it into self-blame. Choosing not to keep stepping in after this doesn't mean you don't care; it means you're finally honoring what isn't yours to carry; it's a sane response to being repeatedly put in an impossible role.
My T often asks me, "What is actually mine to carry here?" - especially when old family roles pull us into fixing, mediating, or managing things that were never truly ours to hold. Reading your post, it really stands out how much responsibility you were expected to shoulder, and how little regard there was for the cost to you.
But I really appreciate how clearly you can see it now, and how you're letting the boundary land instead of turning it into self-blame. Choosing not to keep stepping in after this doesn't mean you don't care; it means you're finally honoring what isn't yours to carry; it's a sane response to being repeatedly put in an impossible role.