Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 03, 2026, 04:08:50 PMthanks, armee. your theory is very interesting, especially the idea that when the emotion might be too strong, it could be overpowering, in which case it does not show itself. a different take than anything i've read, but not without merit. when i think back to the time i rolled/flipped my van, as i was heading off the freeway after having hit black ice and knowing there is no stopping or control available in such a situation, i felt no fear. i imagine most people would have been panicked, screaming, tensed up, something other than sitting back, relaxed, took my feet off the pedals, and kept my hands loosely on the steering wheel just to keep the van from overly curving, and saying in my mind 'here we go', which is what i did.
i was knocked out for a while when hit in the head by the tv coming loose from its moorings, and had a concussion for about 2 months, but i walked away from it. the van itself flipped over, and landed back on its tires and facing the opposite direction. so, it must've been quite a ride, but i wasn't aware, and i never felt afraid. that would certainly fit with your model of emotions keeping to themselves in times when they might be overpowering. thanks so much for this, armee.
therapy was stressful. she was extremely apologetic (something new for me w/ a T) and worried about whether she was the right T for me at all, cuz she didn't want to cause such a terrible response in me in the future. i told her that's why my stuff needs to be in very tiny doses, cuz my mind takes what's said, and in its new state of now being able to explode w/ emotion at times, can be overwhelming to the point (this past time) of thinking of SH.
so, we went back and forth a few times - does she think i'm too much for her? did she want to stop? was i able to stay w/ her regardless of what happened? in the end, we agreed to continue working together, probably mostly w/ me talking about my life experiences. she thought i wanted to be heard, which i have to agree with. i don't know how a T could work w/ me w/o knowing much of what's gone on w/ me.
since she works mainly w/ people who have become disabled, i don't know how much history or past trauma reporting is necessary. i think her forte is mostly ptsd from accidents, injuries, illnesses and the like. but, honestly, some of the other T's i talked w/, as soon as they heard 'dissociation' from me went right to the whole 'parts' idea, and i know i'm not ready for that. so, this may be the way to go for now.
i was knocked out for a while when hit in the head by the tv coming loose from its moorings, and had a concussion for about 2 months, but i walked away from it. the van itself flipped over, and landed back on its tires and facing the opposite direction. so, it must've been quite a ride, but i wasn't aware, and i never felt afraid. that would certainly fit with your model of emotions keeping to themselves in times when they might be overpowering. thanks so much for this, armee.
therapy was stressful. she was extremely apologetic (something new for me w/ a T) and worried about whether she was the right T for me at all, cuz she didn't want to cause such a terrible response in me in the future. i told her that's why my stuff needs to be in very tiny doses, cuz my mind takes what's said, and in its new state of now being able to explode w/ emotion at times, can be overwhelming to the point (this past time) of thinking of SH.
so, we went back and forth a few times - does she think i'm too much for her? did she want to stop? was i able to stay w/ her regardless of what happened? in the end, we agreed to continue working together, probably mostly w/ me talking about my life experiences. she thought i wanted to be heard, which i have to agree with. i don't know how a T could work w/ me w/o knowing much of what's gone on w/ me.
since she works mainly w/ people who have become disabled, i don't know how much history or past trauma reporting is necessary. i think her forte is mostly ptsd from accidents, injuries, illnesses and the like. but, honestly, some of the other T's i talked w/, as soon as they heard 'dissociation' from me went right to the whole 'parts' idea, and i know i'm not ready for that. so, this may be the way to go for now.
#82
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 03, 2026, 03:33:21 PMjust to add a little more to this thread - my previous T told me she believed emotional/mental wounds were more difficult to heal than the physical wounds. she mentioned the idea that physical abuse is something that can be seen, while the other is unseen. how many times during my life have i read articles about the difference in having physical health issues treated while mental/emotional health issues are overlooked, pooh-pooh'ed, dismissed, minimized and on and on.
yay for science, indeed! when i first joined this forum and read some of the horrible physical abuse of some people, i absolutely wondered if what i went thru could be counted as trauma inducing. the more info coming out and being made public about the effects of mental/emotional/psychological abuse, the easier it is to know i 'belong' here.
when i wrote about traumatization by therapists on the EMDR forum i belonged to at the time, one therapist questioned this, asking if these people weren't experiencing something in a session that was 'very upsetting' (her words) rather than traumatic, as if such a feeling didn't constitute the makings of trauma. this was back in 2018. some very courageous and generous people from this forum allowed me to present examples from their own experience in therapy to the EMDR forum. after reading these, one of the therapists there thanked me for presenting this to them, saying it was a real 'eye opener'.
getting the word out about what constitutes trauma-inducing behavior has been a long, difficult task. but, dang it, we're doing it, and it's beginning to come to light how far-reaching the trauma field really is. there's a reason for dissociation, for EF's, for DID, anxiety, etc., and it's not just cuz we feel like doing such things for fun. we don't 'hang on' to memories cuz we like the way they make us feel. i'm just so glad there is more research going on about the far-reaching effects of trauma, the seriousness of the 'hidden' wounds and how they can take hold of us inside our very bodies and minds to the most minute parts that make us human, including trauma thru the generations.
this trauma beast is the biggest, ugliest thing i've ever encountered, and i'm so glad to be alive to see it being given the respect it deserves, has always deserved. love and hugs to everyone here - we deserve some kindness and serious consideration for what we've gone thru, what we continue to go thru.
yay for science, indeed! when i first joined this forum and read some of the horrible physical abuse of some people, i absolutely wondered if what i went thru could be counted as trauma inducing. the more info coming out and being made public about the effects of mental/emotional/psychological abuse, the easier it is to know i 'belong' here.
when i wrote about traumatization by therapists on the EMDR forum i belonged to at the time, one therapist questioned this, asking if these people weren't experiencing something in a session that was 'very upsetting' (her words) rather than traumatic, as if such a feeling didn't constitute the makings of trauma. this was back in 2018. some very courageous and generous people from this forum allowed me to present examples from their own experience in therapy to the EMDR forum. after reading these, one of the therapists there thanked me for presenting this to them, saying it was a real 'eye opener'.
getting the word out about what constitutes trauma-inducing behavior has been a long, difficult task. but, dang it, we're doing it, and it's beginning to come to light how far-reaching the trauma field really is. there's a reason for dissociation, for EF's, for DID, anxiety, etc., and it's not just cuz we feel like doing such things for fun. we don't 'hang on' to memories cuz we like the way they make us feel. i'm just so glad there is more research going on about the far-reaching effects of trauma, the seriousness of the 'hidden' wounds and how they can take hold of us inside our very bodies and minds to the most minute parts that make us human, including trauma thru the generations.
this trauma beast is the biggest, ugliest thing i've ever encountered, and i'm so glad to be alive to see it being given the respect it deserves, has always deserved. love and hugs to everyone here - we deserve some kindness and serious consideration for what we've gone thru, what we continue to go thru.
#83
General Discussion / Re: Managing Multiplicity
Last post by Blueberry - March 03, 2026, 08:06:48 AMQuote from: LaylaDalal on March 02, 2026, 07:20:17 PMAny people who can relate? :-) Im really struggling finding community...
I didn't respond because my posts are already on those other threads you've seen. I don't always want to have to rewrite. Tho of course I understand wanting to find community and I've found it here as regards cptsd and what is probably osdd.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by HannahOne - March 03, 2026, 02:14:51 AMHi Bach. I get feeling stuck. Your anger is valid. Depression can be protection. Sometimes finding power is a way forward. Sometimes acceptance is the way, becoming willing to have things be the way they were, the way they are. Sometimes depression is the mother of acceptance. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. The stages of grief. Your grief is valid, too.
#85
General Discussion / Re: Managing Multiplicity
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 03, 2026, 12:40:41 AMHi Layöa
I really appreciate how thoughtfully you're holding this. Trauma is not one single thing, and the ways our systems adapt to it can look very different from person to person.
My own history is different from what you're describing, so I can't speak from the same lived place around multiplicity - but I can absolutely resonate with the longing for community.
That feeling of wanting to find others who get it without you having to over-explain... that's real. And the exhaustion of trying to appear "normal" while carrying something complex inside - that, too, feels very understandable.
I also hear how carefully you're thinking about diagnosis - not just as a label, but as something that can both validate and pathologize. That's a nuanced place to stand.
I may not share the same internal structure, but I do share the desire to make meaning of what happened, to stay safe, and to not be alone in it. I'm glad you brought this here. 💛
I really appreciate how thoughtfully you're holding this. Trauma is not one single thing, and the ways our systems adapt to it can look very different from person to person.
My own history is different from what you're describing, so I can't speak from the same lived place around multiplicity - but I can absolutely resonate with the longing for community.
That feeling of wanting to find others who get it without you having to over-explain... that's real. And the exhaustion of trying to appear "normal" while carrying something complex inside - that, too, feels very understandable.
I also hear how carefully you're thinking about diagnosis - not just as a label, but as something that can both validate and pathologize. That's a nuanced place to stand.
I may not share the same internal structure, but I do share the desire to make meaning of what happened, to stay safe, and to not be alone in it. I'm glad you brought this here. 💛
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 03, 2026, 12:31:58 AMI really relate to how exhausting that place can feel.
Sometimes well-meant advice - especially more CBT-type reframes - can land as either invalidating of the lived, felt experience or as subtle pressure. Like there's something we should be doing differently, some switch we're failing to flip. When you're already stuck and hurting, that can make the stuckness feel even heavier.
And what you said about anger feeling unsafe, but depression feeling safer... that makes a lot of sense. For many of us, anger once had consequences. Depression can be a kind of armor - dull, heavy, but protective.
When your therapist talks about "power," I wonder if part of what makes it hard is that power doesn't feel accessible when you're this worn down. It's hard to imagine agency when your system is in survival mode.
I don't hear someone who doesn't want power. I hear someone who's tired, disappointed, and wanting relief.
I'm really glad you said it out loud here. You don't have to carry that alone tonight. 💛
Sometimes well-meant advice - especially more CBT-type reframes - can land as either invalidating of the lived, felt experience or as subtle pressure. Like there's something we should be doing differently, some switch we're failing to flip. When you're already stuck and hurting, that can make the stuckness feel even heavier.
And what you said about anger feeling unsafe, but depression feeling safer... that makes a lot of sense. For many of us, anger once had consequences. Depression can be a kind of armor - dull, heavy, but protective.
When your therapist talks about "power," I wonder if part of what makes it hard is that power doesn't feel accessible when you're this worn down. It's hard to imagine agency when your system is in survival mode.
I don't hear someone who doesn't want power. I hear someone who's tired, disappointed, and wanting relief.
I'm really glad you said it out loud here. You don't have to carry that alone tonight. 💛
#87
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 02, 2026, 10:31:14 PM I now more fully understand what happened to me. My case is so "edge" that I'm not sure if it's even worthy of further study.
I was broken at the exact moment that I was supposed to start forming narrative memories. As a result, not only did I not overwrite the baby footage, I *continued recording*!
I don't know *how* to record memories like a normal person. All of my memories are photo- accurate and insanely detailed raw data, but they lack any metadata. No context, no date stamp, no personalization.
I don't suffer from generalized dissociative amnesia. I suffer from verdical eidetic recall.
I am afflicted with "Toddler memory". I'm an adult who never evolved to remember as normal adults do. It's not HSAM. It's not "photographic memory". It's not "generalized dissociative amnesia". It's the opposite of "infantile amnesia".
Every memory is an "impression", just like a baby would form it. As far as I can tell this condition is so atypical that neurologists are seemingly unaware of it, but the perfect storm of trauma and age is so common that it should be more widely recognized.
Not only do I have to make sense of every memory I have, but I will have to make sense of every memory I will ever form for the rest of my life.
This is a lot to contend with.
-Slashy
I was broken at the exact moment that I was supposed to start forming narrative memories. As a result, not only did I not overwrite the baby footage, I *continued recording*!
I don't know *how* to record memories like a normal person. All of my memories are photo- accurate and insanely detailed raw data, but they lack any metadata. No context, no date stamp, no personalization.
I don't suffer from generalized dissociative amnesia. I suffer from verdical eidetic recall.
I am afflicted with "Toddler memory". I'm an adult who never evolved to remember as normal adults do. It's not HSAM. It's not "photographic memory". It's not "generalized dissociative amnesia". It's the opposite of "infantile amnesia".
Every memory is an "impression", just like a baby would form it. As far as I can tell this condition is so atypical that neurologists are seemingly unaware of it, but the perfect storm of trauma and age is so common that it should be more widely recognized.
Not only do I have to make sense of every memory I have, but I will have to make sense of every memory I will ever form for the rest of my life.
This is a lot to contend with.
-Slashy
#88
General Discussion / Re: Managing Multiplicity
Last post by Kizzie - March 02, 2026, 09:05:55 PMLayla, I searched DID/OSDD/PDID and online sites and found several sites. This one in particular sounds like what you are looking for - Multiplied By One Org. There is a small fee but for those that can't afford it, there's a form to be exempted.
You are more likely to find the community you are looking for there (or at a similar site) as it is specifically for those with DID/OSDD/PDID. Given that OOTS is for those with CPTSD I'm not certain there are many (if any) here with or who know much about DID/OSDD/PDID. As such, you may end up not getting replies to your posts because of that and I would hate to see that happen.
There are also a number of other sites I found so maybe do a search of DID/OSDD/PDID and online sites so you can find a community that knows more about these diagnoses than we do. We all need community and there do seem to be ones that are a better fit than here.
I hope this is helpful.
You are more likely to find the community you are looking for there (or at a similar site) as it is specifically for those with DID/OSDD/PDID. Given that OOTS is for those with CPTSD I'm not certain there are many (if any) here with or who know much about DID/OSDD/PDID. As such, you may end up not getting replies to your posts because of that and I would hate to see that happen.
There are also a number of other sites I found so maybe do a search of DID/OSDD/PDID and online sites so you can find a community that knows more about these diagnoses than we do. We all need community and there do seem to be ones that are a better fit than here.
I hope this is helpful.
#89
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by Kizzie - March 02, 2026, 08:50:20 PM #90
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - March 02, 2026, 08:20:10 PMTherapy is SO depressing lately. I'm so tired of going over the same old crap again and again with no answer, no way to progress. I feel utterly stuck, like maybe I've already dealt with all the things I can deal with, and the rest I'll just have to live with forever.
I've been terribly unhappy for the past few days and nothing is helping. Not drugs, not accomplishing useful things, not swimming, not comforting routines with My Person. I'm full of regretful thoughts about my life. I think the truth of the matter is that I'm angry, furiously angry at many people about many things, but I won't let myself feel it because depression is safer. And even if I did feel it, what good would that do? I can't do anything about any of it. Which brings me back to depressing therapy: My therapist says that I feel that I have no power because I don't want to believe that I have any power. She might be right, I don't know. I'm not even sure exactly what she means by "power". It feels like just another no-answer, another thing that I should be able to do something about, but don't know what.
I've been terribly unhappy for the past few days and nothing is helping. Not drugs, not accomplishing useful things, not swimming, not comforting routines with My Person. I'm full of regretful thoughts about my life. I think the truth of the matter is that I'm angry, furiously angry at many people about many things, but I won't let myself feel it because depression is safer. And even if I did feel it, what good would that do? I can't do anything about any of it. Which brings me back to depressing therapy: My therapist says that I feel that I have no power because I don't want to believe that I have any power. She might be right, I don't know. I'm not even sure exactly what she means by "power". It feels like just another no-answer, another thing that I should be able to do something about, but don't know what.