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#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Starting my journal
Last post by holidayay - February 13, 2026, 08:54:34 AM13.02.26
2 days ago, I did nothing. I stayed at home and did nothing. And doing nothing turned out to be everything. Everything my nervous system needed. I felt the familiar pull initially, of 'so what are you doing today? look, you haven't even planned for career progression...How old are we again? And you also haven't been to the gym in ages and you've put on lots of weight! Everything is terrible!' and then I stopped it and said yes I understand all that but now can you tell me how my body feels? And the answer was clear: exhausted. Muscles fatigued and tense from sress. Stomach in knots.
So I made a cosy spot on the sofa and sat down. A few hours passed and I felt a bit better. Did some gentle cleaning and an easy-to-make meal. Then went back to the sofa. The whole day passed and I didn't traverse the usual route of feeling worse. I started noticing small things too. Like how my instinct is to RUSH through tasks. Rush through brushing my teeth, rush through cleaning, rush through errands, rush through cooking, rush through eating.
My helpful medical education makes this lesson an easy one: the feedback loop of my mind urging me to rush through things comes from a dysregulated place, and the adrenaline released causes more feelings of false fear/anxiety/urgency. So I slowed down. I noticed my breathing; either holding my breath whilst doing things, or breathing too quickly. I also amended that, too.
What a difference. It all comes together, in a perfect jigsaw, when you stop and look at the individual pieces properly. The pieces fit in together, to form the overall picture. And that picture can be changed when you choose different pieces. Throw the old jigsaw out; all its old, withered, worn out pieces that corroborate together to form the picture you no longer want. Grab the new jigsaw wjth the end picture that you now want; it will take you time as you examine the new pieces and learn where they go.
So I'm building my new jigsaw. And sometimes you need time to just sit and examine the pieces. Other days are for the stage where you start putting them together.
That was yesterday. I went to work. A bit less anxious, a bit more confident. I noticed in my communication, I said things that were more in line with how I really felt/thought. For example, instead of assuming I was the dumb, stupid one when asked a question I did not know the answer to, I said I don't know. Turned out the senior doctor I was working with did not know too! I chuckled internally at the vast change in course of action that occurred: I did not just go quiet and crumble and spend the rest of the shift berating myself, instead I felt confident and we searched for the answer together. AI received their support (and automatic validation) and I came home not feeling broken with the Inner Critic going beserk in the evening....AND I HAD DIFFERENT DREAMS. I dreamt my MIL was trying to humiliate me and break me down, and I stuck up for myself and told her 'NOPE, you will not do this to me' and I walked away. She received reprimand from my partner, BIL and her wife and she rang me to apologise. See how it all fits together...? True self allowed to show up, true self not attacked, inner critic not activated prior to sleeping, conscience in my dreams shows up differently, nervous system not activated as a result of the dream sequence...and I did not wake up feeling sick, anxious, terrified and full of shame. I feel quite OK actually. Dare I say it, I feel just...regular. I'm having a morning coffee and waiting for my therapy session at 9.30.
So simple yet so astonishingly HUGE.
2 days ago, I did nothing. I stayed at home and did nothing. And doing nothing turned out to be everything. Everything my nervous system needed. I felt the familiar pull initially, of 'so what are you doing today? look, you haven't even planned for career progression...How old are we again? And you also haven't been to the gym in ages and you've put on lots of weight! Everything is terrible!' and then I stopped it and said yes I understand all that but now can you tell me how my body feels? And the answer was clear: exhausted. Muscles fatigued and tense from sress. Stomach in knots.
So I made a cosy spot on the sofa and sat down. A few hours passed and I felt a bit better. Did some gentle cleaning and an easy-to-make meal. Then went back to the sofa. The whole day passed and I didn't traverse the usual route of feeling worse. I started noticing small things too. Like how my instinct is to RUSH through tasks. Rush through brushing my teeth, rush through cleaning, rush through errands, rush through cooking, rush through eating.
My helpful medical education makes this lesson an easy one: the feedback loop of my mind urging me to rush through things comes from a dysregulated place, and the adrenaline released causes more feelings of false fear/anxiety/urgency. So I slowed down. I noticed my breathing; either holding my breath whilst doing things, or breathing too quickly. I also amended that, too.
What a difference. It all comes together, in a perfect jigsaw, when you stop and look at the individual pieces properly. The pieces fit in together, to form the overall picture. And that picture can be changed when you choose different pieces. Throw the old jigsaw out; all its old, withered, worn out pieces that corroborate together to form the picture you no longer want. Grab the new jigsaw wjth the end picture that you now want; it will take you time as you examine the new pieces and learn where they go.
So I'm building my new jigsaw. And sometimes you need time to just sit and examine the pieces. Other days are for the stage where you start putting them together.
That was yesterday. I went to work. A bit less anxious, a bit more confident. I noticed in my communication, I said things that were more in line with how I really felt/thought. For example, instead of assuming I was the dumb, stupid one when asked a question I did not know the answer to, I said I don't know. Turned out the senior doctor I was working with did not know too! I chuckled internally at the vast change in course of action that occurred: I did not just go quiet and crumble and spend the rest of the shift berating myself, instead I felt confident and we searched for the answer together. AI received their support (and automatic validation) and I came home not feeling broken with the Inner Critic going beserk in the evening....AND I HAD DIFFERENT DREAMS. I dreamt my MIL was trying to humiliate me and break me down, and I stuck up for myself and told her 'NOPE, you will not do this to me' and I walked away. She received reprimand from my partner, BIL and her wife and she rang me to apologise. See how it all fits together...? True self allowed to show up, true self not attacked, inner critic not activated prior to sleeping, conscience in my dreams shows up differently, nervous system not activated as a result of the dream sequence...and I did not wake up feeling sick, anxious, terrified and full of shame. I feel quite OK actually. Dare I say it, I feel just...regular. I'm having a morning coffee and waiting for my therapy session at 9.30.
So simple yet so astonishingly HUGE.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: Starting my journal
Last post by holidayay - February 13, 2026, 08:37:48 AMQuote from: HannahOne on February 12, 2026, 04:28:07 PMHolidayay, I'm new to the forum and just read your last two posts. Thank you for coming back and sharing your experience. So heartening to hear that so many things that once bothered you no longer do. And sobering to read that the grief continues. That makes so much sense. The grief is a part of me, I know. I can't wish it away without wishing myself away.
Having to show up in a social situation is still a trigger and that makes sense too, when part of what we are showing up with is complex grief, ambiguous loss.
Thank you again for sharing your experience. I don't know any better way to learn about CPTSD than from other survivors and I'm so grateful to have found this place and come to understand myself better---and meet so many amazing people who have persevered, sought healing, and found life to be worth living in the midst of that "gift that keeps on giving."
Thank YOU as well, for your kindness, its so appreciated...I'm so pleased to hear you find this place helpful for you. Its incredibly validating to be able to visit a place where your reality is also other people's reality. I could write entire essays on the pain and confusion of being around so-called 'normies' (securely attached or even just non-CPTSD afflicted people)...I've found over the years, its an incredibly big inadvertent source of ammunition for the old trauma, witnessing and having to be around people where you must shut out your own truth in order to be accepted, or communicated with adequately or face condemnation, ostracisation and rejection. One thing that has plagued my ability to accept my own realities and reach out for support is witnessing a girl at Medical School who WAS open and honest about her trauma, being referred to as 'Crazy A'....from there was built a vile inner critic voice that always jumped in, whenever i started to give myself grace, 'oh but look now, careful, you are on your way to suffering the consequences of Crazy A'. Just awful.
(Told you I could easily begin a new essay on this....! I'll reign it in now).
The grief is sobering, but - and I know I can hopefully give some hope here too, the intensity of it at the first stages of addressing is NOT the end result. It turns into something softer, kinder, and transforms over time into something that looks a little bit like evidence of the love we have inside of us, and a source from which beautiful understanding arises.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: Starting my journal
Last post by holidayay - February 13, 2026, 08:22:37 AMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 10, 2026, 11:32:02 AMYour last two posts are astonishing in how they encapsulate a long journey that is so familiar to those of us who are on similar paths. So honest about the searing pain and so full of progress and hope. I loved the expression of amazement at how things that were so terrifying and all-consuming in the past have been vanquished. Along with the acknowledgement that we can know so much, and yet a new terror feels all-pervasive, at least until we can recognise what is happening and use our tools to move forward.
I love the words you have chosen to describe your partner. "reliable, consistent, sturdy and kind". Wonderful qualities and I am glad you have a partner like that. I think that when our lives are so taken over by fears and emotions it is so important to have a partner like that.
Thank you for being so honest in sharing your thoughts with us. I really appreciate it, and you, and the traumatised girl inside you who is brave enough to show herself a little now and reach to you for help.
Ohhh, you can't imagine how much my naturally shy self is smiling at your message. Some old creeping patterns came back after posting, that someone will reply in a hateful manner and your lovely message just zapped through that. Thank you for this.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 13, 2026, 03:03:24 AMNarcKiddo, that was definitely a tantrum! LOL. Throwing a fit, I call it. I just don't want this, I don't wanna, I donwanna, I can't..... Sigh. And yes Frank was surely demonstrating! I can and I will.
A little more peace about it all today. I'm sure it will be up and down. Thank you for reading and commenting. It's good to remember this is all a human experience and we have all faced similar issues in the past in our FOO, and may face similar situations and challenges in the future too with illness or job change or whatever.
I had to remind myself today, HANNAHONE that's why the CANCER CENTER exists, because SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE CANCER that people actually spend their lives learning about how to help! This is a common human experience and not personal to me at all. It's a different kind of trauma, the natural disaster, the natural disease.... it's not interpersonal trauma. I keep making it personal and interpersonal. And it just isn't. It's just a fact. As Marcine might say
Marcine is so clear-eyed. I go in and out of clarity. Right now, a bit more clear, thanks to friends here. Thank you.
A little more peace about it all today. I'm sure it will be up and down. Thank you for reading and commenting. It's good to remember this is all a human experience and we have all faced similar issues in the past in our FOO, and may face similar situations and challenges in the future too with illness or job change or whatever.
I had to remind myself today, HANNAHONE that's why the CANCER CENTER exists, because SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE CANCER that people actually spend their lives learning about how to help! This is a common human experience and not personal to me at all. It's a different kind of trauma, the natural disaster, the natural disease.... it's not interpersonal trauma. I keep making it personal and interpersonal. And it just isn't. It's just a fact. As Marcine might say
Marcine is so clear-eyed. I go in and out of clarity. Right now, a bit more clear, thanks to friends here. Thank you. #85
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 13, 2026, 02:57:19 AMTheBigBlue, thank you so much for sharing your experience with cancer. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And not entirely knowing how CPTSD was making it harder at the time.
Thank you for allowing me to talk about it here. In future I will try to do better with trigger warnings.
And thank you for the kind words. More and more and more the last few months I am genuinely glad to be here and not of two minds about it. I am much more present and experiencing in the moment the good things, the blue light on the snow, the water that comes out of the kitchen sink, sharing air with a child studying, making lentil soup. In some ways I feel like I've kind of just arrived, so I don't wanna leave now! LOL. My goal is just that I get the best quality of life I can have in the face of this and I think surgery is what will give me that. Feeling somewhat hopeful.
Thank you for allowing me to talk about it here. In future I will try to do better with trigger warnings.
And thank you for the kind words. More and more and more the last few months I am genuinely glad to be here and not of two minds about it. I am much more present and experiencing in the moment the good things, the blue light on the snow, the water that comes out of the kitchen sink, sharing air with a child studying, making lentil soup. In some ways I feel like I've kind of just arrived, so I don't wanna leave now! LOL. My goal is just that I get the best quality of life I can have in the face of this and I think surgery is what will give me that. Feeling somewhat hopeful.
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 13, 2026, 02:52:35 AMMarcine, thank you so much for commenting. I realize I should have put a trigger warning on the post. I will try to be more mindful in future.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I so admire how you handled it. It also gives me a path in mind to follow. I do have to build the team and then have what faith with them I can.
I will be reaching out for sure. I can't carry it myself. Meanwhile I spoke to the hus-bun. He's making me an appointment at his hospital to talk to the surgeon there and scheduled all the other tests I need today. That he can do and he did. Also, he struggled up the stairs and took down the trash I wanted to wait to tell kids much until I know what's actually going to happen, am I going to be reduced in function from a medication for the next few years or am I going to be recovering from surgery in the next months ahead. My one kid can't handle anything, let alone weakness in me. It will be harder for me if they are dysregulated, much harder. But already my energy is off and they're picking up on it so I am going to attend their therapy session next week and get help to communicate the minimum of my situation for a shared understanding. Hus-bun will talk to the other kid this weekend, that kid will handle it fine. In my case my life is currently not in danger so they don't have to fear that. Just having a little less of a functioning mom for a bit.
Thank you for revisiting your painful experience to mine something to help me now. I'm SO glad you are here, now.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I so admire how you handled it. It also gives me a path in mind to follow. I do have to build the team and then have what faith with them I can.
I will be reaching out for sure. I can't carry it myself. Meanwhile I spoke to the hus-bun. He's making me an appointment at his hospital to talk to the surgeon there and scheduled all the other tests I need today. That he can do and he did. Also, he struggled up the stairs and took down the trash
I wanted to wait to tell kids much until I know what's actually going to happen, am I going to be reduced in function from a medication for the next few years or am I going to be recovering from surgery in the next months ahead. My one kid can't handle anything, let alone weakness in me. It will be harder for me if they are dysregulated, much harder. But already my energy is off and they're picking up on it so I am going to attend their therapy session next week and get help to communicate the minimum of my situation for a shared understanding. Hus-bun will talk to the other kid this weekend, that kid will handle it fine. In my case my life is currently not in danger so they don't have to fear that. Just having a little less of a functioning mom for a bit.Thank you for revisiting your painful experience to mine something to help me now. I'm SO glad you are here, now.
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - February 13, 2026, 01:44:49 AMI guess after my wonderful experience skiing, feeling so good about myself, it's not that surprising that I would have a backlash of crushing self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. It's not like that has never happened before! Just have to ride it out and not take it too seriously.
#88
Please Introduce Yourself Here / opening up to support
Last post by moshi - February 12, 2026, 09:59:57 PMim really happy to have found this forum and hope to feel less alone.
what i am really looking for is to feel understood through this group of tender folks. going through life understanding and empathising with others is exhausting to some extent for me because it often doesn't feel reciprocal. i struggle knowing if that is true or its the wiring in my brain telling me otherwise. i oscillate between feeling deeply connected to anti-social behaviours. i desire at least 1 friend that empathises with me, not to trauma-bond but to just feel a little less invisible. i dont desire to be anti-social but it is my way of coping when i dont feel connected enough.
right now, im going through an anti-social cycle and giving myself permission to ride that wave without judgment and judgment of others. the fear of loss is resting with me. its inspired me to find this community, and at the very least, connect in this way so i don't lose myself in this cycle and fall back into a pattern where i disappear from everyone's life because i feel like a victim.
its hard to experience a wound you can't show another and say please help me stop the pain
what i am really looking for is to feel understood through this group of tender folks. going through life understanding and empathising with others is exhausting to some extent for me because it often doesn't feel reciprocal. i struggle knowing if that is true or its the wiring in my brain telling me otherwise. i oscillate between feeling deeply connected to anti-social behaviours. i desire at least 1 friend that empathises with me, not to trauma-bond but to just feel a little less invisible. i dont desire to be anti-social but it is my way of coping when i dont feel connected enough.
right now, im going through an anti-social cycle and giving myself permission to ride that wave without judgment and judgment of others. the fear of loss is resting with me. its inspired me to find this community, and at the very least, connect in this way so i don't lose myself in this cycle and fall back into a pattern where i disappear from everyone's life because i feel like a victim.
its hard to experience a wound you can't show another and say please help me stop the pain
#89
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I think I may have found m...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 12, 2026, 09:13:06 PM
(If that's ok)
#90
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I think I may have found m...
Last post by MiaBailey - February 12, 2026, 08:32:10 PMYep, once you allow yourself to fully know this stuff there's really no going backwards. It's that quote from the Velveteen Rabbit of "once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
For a long, long time I was a perfectionistic overachieving workaholic family law attorney. Overcompensation and outrunning my demons was a very, very busy and productive distraction from a tremendous amount of pain. Stopping the busyness is difficult because those demons are mean.
For a long, long time I was a perfectionistic overachieving workaholic family law attorney. Overcompensation and outrunning my demons was a very, very busy and productive distraction from a tremendous amount of pain. Stopping the busyness is difficult because those demons are mean.