Recent posts
#81
Sexual Abuse / Re: TW: Tickling but I think i...
Last post by NarcKiddo - October 16, 2025, 11:33:29 AMI'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds utterly awful and a total abuse of power. I don't think it makes any difference whether or not it was technically classed as CSA; it has clearly left you with similar feelings and I am sorry that neither parent was safe or protective.
#82
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
Last post by NarcKiddo - October 16, 2025, 11:29:51 AMHello, Beet, and welcome. I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. I'm glad you found us and hope you find a little comfort here. I love drawing, too. I find it therapeutic.
#83
General Discussion / Re: Autism or CPTSD?
Last post by beet - October 16, 2025, 11:19:45 AMwhen I was diagnosed with autism they were at first hesitant because I couldn't remember enough of my childhood clearly and they said I definitely have autistic traits but they couldn't separate it from my trauma. After that they communicated with my sibling (my parents were not an option) and the information from my sibling confirmed my autism and I got the diagnosis no problem
The thing the therapists diagnosing me said is even if they had not given me that diagnosis that didn't mean I wasn't or that I couldn't consider myself autistic, just that my trauma made the diagnostic criteria murky for them.
The thing the therapists diagnosing me said is even if they had not given me that diagnosis that didn't mean I wasn't or that I couldn't consider myself autistic, just that my trauma made the diagnostic criteria murky for them.
#84
Sexual Abuse / TW: Tickling but I think it wa...
Last post by beet - October 16, 2025, 11:10:13 AMI have never talked about this, never felt safe to. My dad I know did things I can't fully remember. I just experience flashbacks of fear of a shadowy man in my room at night over the bed wanting to harm me. I do have one clear memory of me calling him out when I was 13 when he came into my room when he thought I was asleep and tried to put his hand down my shirt. which is when I think that kind of in the night abuse stopped.
Its the tickling that didn't stop. It never felt right. It never felt playful or innocent or fun. I'm autistic and very ticklish but I hated feeling out of control. He'd tickle me until i could not breathe and I was crying and scream/begging him to stop (at which point he'd call me dramatic) but it felt wrong and not just for that reason. I was into my teens when he did this. He did this in hotel rooms while I was trapped on the bed begging between gasps and unable to breathe and my mother watching this happen. It made me feel sick and dirty afterwards. It never felt right. It always felt like an excuse to touch me and have power over me.
It feels like it was part of the CSA to me. But I am always afraid someone is going to tell me I'm being dramatic and making it something it wasn't. And while I'm so angry at him I'm even more angry at my mom for just watching that. For allowing that and his comments on my body and getting mad at me for asking him to stop making his "jokes" or calling me a slut. Because I know she had been a victim of CSA herself. She always said she was a safe adult. But she wasn't. She didn't protect me. She let it happen. I don't know I just needed to say these things so they don't live forever in my head.
Its the tickling that didn't stop. It never felt right. It never felt playful or innocent or fun. I'm autistic and very ticklish but I hated feeling out of control. He'd tickle me until i could not breathe and I was crying and scream/begging him to stop (at which point he'd call me dramatic) but it felt wrong and not just for that reason. I was into my teens when he did this. He did this in hotel rooms while I was trapped on the bed begging between gasps and unable to breathe and my mother watching this happen. It made me feel sick and dirty afterwards. It never felt right. It always felt like an excuse to touch me and have power over me.
It feels like it was part of the CSA to me. But I am always afraid someone is going to tell me I'm being dramatic and making it something it wasn't. And while I'm so angry at him I'm even more angry at my mom for just watching that. For allowing that and his comments on my body and getting mad at me for asking him to stop making his "jokes" or calling me a slut. Because I know she had been a victim of CSA herself. She always said she was a safe adult. But she wasn't. She didn't protect me. She let it happen. I don't know I just needed to say these things so they don't live forever in my head.
#85
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi
Last post by beet - October 16, 2025, 10:55:04 AMI'm Beet,
I am 41 and been in and out of therapy for the last 20 years or so. I think it's helped, I think I'm doing better at 41 then I was at 21 for example, but I'm grateful for 21 year old me to stick it out without the tools and support I have now. I had a rough childhood, I was the ghost of the family in a lot of ways. I have been diagnosed with autism and told I'm "in the EUPD/CPTSD area" but I've found treatment and support for CPTSD has been the most useful for me.
I'm going through a bit of a rough patch and looking for ways I can get the support I need to get through it.
Outside of that I enjoy crafting, writing fanfiction, drawing, and I'm a mature post grad student.
I am 41 and been in and out of therapy for the last 20 years or so. I think it's helped, I think I'm doing better at 41 then I was at 21 for example, but I'm grateful for 21 year old me to stick it out without the tools and support I have now. I had a rough childhood, I was the ghost of the family in a lot of ways. I have been diagnosed with autism and told I'm "in the EUPD/CPTSD area" but I've found treatment and support for CPTSD has been the most useful for me.
I'm going through a bit of a rough patch and looking for ways I can get the support I need to get through it.
Outside of that I enjoy crafting, writing fanfiction, drawing, and I'm a mature post grad student.
#86
Letters of Recovery / Re: Hi Love Bug, (A Letter for...
Last post by GettingThere - October 16, 2025, 05:30:00 AMI'm glad it was helpful NarcKiddo and I hope your Inner Child knows how safe they are in your home now
#87
Announcements / Re: Zoom Group(s)
Last post by Kizzie - October 16, 2025, 05:08:11 AMZoom Group #3 has 2 openings if anyone is interested. It is help every second Sat at 10 AM Mountain time.
Please email me at l.herod@yahoo.ca.
Please email me at l.herod@yahoo.ca.
#88
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by Kizzie - October 16, 2025, 05:05:30 AMYou can certainly reach out to us Queen, it's pretty safe and supportive here. 
#89
Successes, Progress? / MOVED: Zoom meetings?
Last post by Kizzie - October 15, 2025, 11:47:44 PM #90
Letters of Recovery / Re: I Love You All The Same
Last post by Bach - October 15, 2025, 10:28:30 PMI'm angry at you for punishing me for telling you my feelings, when telling you my feelings is what you've been asking for all year. I'm angry that it has to FEEL like an intentional punishment even though I know it probably isn't.
I'm angry at all this time you're wasting, first with the ignoring and now with the complicated dance we apparently have to do before you'll let us get close again.
I'm angry that I can't just put you aside until you come back like you seem to be able to do to me.
I'm angry that I've been feeling like dying for the past three weeks because my stomach is in knots from the flashbacks and abandonment fears. I'm angry that I can't control this.
I'm angry that I can't tell you any of this. I'm angry that you won't tell me. I'm angry at things I can't even put into words. I'm angry that I exist. That you exist. I'm angry that I need you. That you can't tolerate needing me. I'm angry that you're such a traumatised little child and that it falls on me to understand.
I'm angry that I understand.
I'm angry at all this time you're wasting, first with the ignoring and now with the complicated dance we apparently have to do before you'll let us get close again.
I'm angry that I can't just put you aside until you come back like you seem to be able to do to me.
I'm angry that I've been feeling like dying for the past three weeks because my stomach is in knots from the flashbacks and abandonment fears. I'm angry that I can't control this.
I'm angry that I can't tell you any of this. I'm angry that you won't tell me. I'm angry at things I can't even put into words. I'm angry that I exist. That you exist. I'm angry that I need you. That you can't tolerate needing me. I'm angry that you're such a traumatised little child and that it falls on me to understand.
I'm angry that I understand.