Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 30, 2026, 06:54:28 PMNK, thank you for sharing some ideas. I love the idea about glasses. I wore them since I was a toddler as I was a preemie. A few years ago got eye surgery and no longer needed. But I think I will get some. They will make my face look more "intentional" even without makeup. And yes, I cannot stand ANYTHING on my skin I Can't even wear sunscreen. But lipstick I can do. I am going to experiment with the most nude lip to start LOL.
I also love the idea about improv! I'm starting a ballet class in a few months when my knee is healed. Baby steps
SanMagic7, there is definitely a delayed development going on along with my midlife crisis lol. I didn't get to experiment as a teen at all it was very rigidly controlled in what could wear, and we were poor. Then I left home and was in survival mode working and saving, then kids.... I've never taken time to figure out what I want to say, what versions of me I Want to express. Thank you for the solidarity.
I also love the idea about improv! I'm starting a ballet class in a few months when my knee is healed. Baby steps
SanMagic7, there is definitely a delayed development going on along with my midlife crisis lol. I didn't get to experiment as a teen at all it was very rigidly controlled in what could wear, and we were poor. Then I left home and was in survival mode working and saving, then kids.... I've never taken time to figure out what I want to say, what versions of me I Want to express. Thank you for the solidarity.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 30, 2026, 06:00:11 PMI read Mother Hunger quite a long time ago for the first time. I did tell my T but it was a couple of years ago. She had not read it then and has not read it now but has clients who have referred it back to her as being helpful, so she recommended it to me. We were specifically discussing how to mother oneself. I reminded her I had read it and remembered it as being helpful so I am re-reading.
I have not got very far yet, but I am finding that I do remember quite a bit. At the moment it is about attachment theory, though, and I have read other things about that since.
The AI summary seems fair. The author is good at pointing out the various bits of advice that have been given to new mothers over the years. When I was little there was quite a fashion for letting babies self-soothe and cry alone so I cannot blame my M for thinking this one up, though I think the approach appealed to her more than it might have done to others. The author is particular that her book is not about not laying blame on mothers because people can have Mother Hunger even with a mother who loved them and did her best. But she may have followed unhelpful advice, or fallen ill, or whatever. Any degree of blame a reader might want to lay on their mother is left entirely up to them.
I don't think I am finding it easier to read the second time around, but it is different. The first time the whole notion of having damaging mothering from infancy on was quite new, and I devoured the information about attachment theory and so on. I think I struggled more with the ideas on how to mother oneself because I have such a negative view of what a mother is that I have resistance to performing that role for myself. I am coming round to the possible need for it, and finding a way of doing it without relating it too closely to my own mother. I'll have to see how I feel about those bits when I get there. I am also much more alive to my body's signals now and notice resistance. Before I might just have thought I was tired or whatever without noticing that I was always tired when reading that particular book.
I actually listen to my Gabor Mate audiobooks to go to sleep, sometimes. They are narrated by his son who has a nice voice to listen to. I thought listening to a trauma book might give me bad dreams but that has not happened. I am not prone to them, though, so you might want to beware of doing that yourself. You can listen to clips of audiobooks before buying and it is worth doing that. It would be grim if I bought a book and the narrator sounded like my mother!
Hugs right back to you.
I have not got very far yet, but I am finding that I do remember quite a bit. At the moment it is about attachment theory, though, and I have read other things about that since.
The AI summary seems fair. The author is good at pointing out the various bits of advice that have been given to new mothers over the years. When I was little there was quite a fashion for letting babies self-soothe and cry alone so I cannot blame my M for thinking this one up, though I think the approach appealed to her more than it might have done to others. The author is particular that her book is not about not laying blame on mothers because people can have Mother Hunger even with a mother who loved them and did her best. But she may have followed unhelpful advice, or fallen ill, or whatever. Any degree of blame a reader might want to lay on their mother is left entirely up to them.
I don't think I am finding it easier to read the second time around, but it is different. The first time the whole notion of having damaging mothering from infancy on was quite new, and I devoured the information about attachment theory and so on. I think I struggled more with the ideas on how to mother oneself because I have such a negative view of what a mother is that I have resistance to performing that role for myself. I am coming round to the possible need for it, and finding a way of doing it without relating it too closely to my own mother. I'll have to see how I feel about those bits when I get there. I am also much more alive to my body's signals now and notice resistance. Before I might just have thought I was tired or whatever without noticing that I was always tired when reading that particular book.
I actually listen to my Gabor Mate audiobooks to go to sleep, sometimes. They are narrated by his son who has a nice voice to listen to. I thought listening to a trauma book might give me bad dreams but that has not happened. I am not prone to them, though, so you might want to beware of doing that yourself. You can listen to clips of audiobooks before buying and it is worth doing that. It would be grim if I bought a book and the narrator sounded like my mother!
Hugs right back to you.
#83
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...
Last post by Blueberry - January 30, 2026, 05:44:28 PMThis was the first day I managed, and I did both sessions. I loved the emphasis placed on Choice, like 3 different ways to do one exercise and you choose what feels best for your body. I have never been in any yoga 'place' where that was the case. In fact, always more like there is only one way OR later there's one normal way which can be altered like so or like so when your body can't manage physically.
I discovered how tense my body is, off the scale tense. And I don't want to feel it physically or feel into much either. Interestingly enough, I was able to relax a bit in both sessions, in the second session more my mind than my body. Still, I could feel this tiny sliver of relaxation.
I discovered how tense my body is, off the scale tense. And I don't want to feel it physically or feel into much either. Interestingly enough, I was able to relax a bit in both sessions, in the second session more my mind than my body. Still, I could feel this tiny sliver of relaxation.
#84
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...
Last post by Teddy bear - January 30, 2026, 03:31:19 PMThank you 🙏
What a really great initiative! It's a shame it's only for a week — feels a bit too short.
I tried it today with my dog (who, by the way, is way too fond of claiming my yoga mat as her bed 😊).
I really appreciated the "no pressure" vibe and the "do it in your own pace" feeling.
It was the perfect thing to do after shoveling snow outside!
What a really great initiative! It's a shame it's only for a week — feels a bit too short.
I tried it today with my dog (who, by the way, is way too fond of claiming my yoga mat as her bed 😊).
I really appreciated the "no pressure" vibe and the "do it in your own pace" feeling.
It was the perfect thing to do after shoveling snow outside!
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 30, 2026, 03:11:23 PMarmee, DF, hope, chart, TBB, hannah1 - thank you all for your incredible support as i'm working my way thru all this. the idea of pain, how these realizations are so painful, my tears are so painful - maybe they're holding the pain? i'm so sad - just realized this now, so sad for me, for what i've been thru. maybe crying, expressing my sadness and pain was ignored as a baby, and i learned not to show those. i broke that rule once when i was in jr. high, and the results were disastrous to me.
so, as i'm working at de-tangling this mess of not feeling for most of my life, if this is the pain chart's talking about, o my heart! i don't know what to do with it. it's like those explosions of tears are me upchucking pain and grief. i think what armee said about asking for 'a little at a time' from parts is wise, but i just looked inside, thinking about talking to the baby, and she firmly ignored me, turned her head away. so, i'll keep exploding i guess.
i thought my recent meltdown was all about gratitude - i've had them so many times in my life - but i think it's more the idea that i can't take the kindness in cuz, here's a thought, maybe i perceive it as something scary, hurtful, something neg. i do think it hurts. it does hurt. it's like i'm being punctured by something, and i don't know how to deal w/ it. so the tears come. i remember how much i wanted to please my dad, and any time i disappointed him, and he wanted to have a talk w/ me, i'd start crying, and he'd kind of throw up his hands in disgust and say something about every time he wanted to talk to me, i turned on the waterworks, and then it was like he was fed up with me and left, and i was alone w/ my distress and accompanying tears.
i don't know. i'm trying not to lose my mind over this, but i do not know how to figure it out. at least on mon. i have a T i can talk to about it. i'm exhausted.
so, as i'm working at de-tangling this mess of not feeling for most of my life, if this is the pain chart's talking about, o my heart! i don't know what to do with it. it's like those explosions of tears are me upchucking pain and grief. i think what armee said about asking for 'a little at a time' from parts is wise, but i just looked inside, thinking about talking to the baby, and she firmly ignored me, turned her head away. so, i'll keep exploding i guess.
i thought my recent meltdown was all about gratitude - i've had them so many times in my life - but i think it's more the idea that i can't take the kindness in cuz, here's a thought, maybe i perceive it as something scary, hurtful, something neg. i do think it hurts. it does hurt. it's like i'm being punctured by something, and i don't know how to deal w/ it. so the tears come. i remember how much i wanted to please my dad, and any time i disappointed him, and he wanted to have a talk w/ me, i'd start crying, and he'd kind of throw up his hands in disgust and say something about every time he wanted to talk to me, i turned on the waterworks, and then it was like he was fed up with me and left, and i was alone w/ my distress and accompanying tears.
i don't know. i'm trying not to lose my mind over this, but i do not know how to figure it out. at least on mon. i have a T i can talk to about it. i'm exhausted.
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 30, 2026, 02:50:02 PMhope, i'm so glad for you that this year you are feeling more pos. really am. i think that's the best. love and hugs
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 30, 2026, 02:45:36 PMi think you do, too, SO. it was a really lovely poem. thank you for sharing it.
i like your analysis re: more space and silence. i've written poetry that was loud and raucous. i see poetry as painting by the mind, words being the colors we choose. everyone's palettes are different. this was nice. love and hugs
i like your analysis re: more space and silence. i've written poetry that was loud and raucous. i see poetry as painting by the mind, words being the colors we choose. everyone's palettes are different. this was nice. love and hugs
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 30, 2026, 02:38:17 PMhannah1, the PT work sounds wonderful and i'm really glad for you that you're seeing such pos. results.
i think NK"s suggestions have merit. a little here, a little there, baby steps. or none, according to how you feel about it.
when i was in jr. high, i had a terrible time making friends and became so lonely, i brought it to my parents. needless to say, that didn't go well, so i decided i was going to have to change me, my personality. it took me a while, but by the time i was a senior in high school, it had worked.
do what you need to do so you can feel better about you. you are what you are, what you have, and you can do w/ her what you want. choices and decisions - and lots of practice. it'll take time, but i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to be. love and hugs
i think NK"s suggestions have merit. a little here, a little there, baby steps. or none, according to how you feel about it.
when i was in jr. high, i had a terrible time making friends and became so lonely, i brought it to my parents. needless to say, that didn't go well, so i decided i was going to have to change me, my personality. it took me a while, but by the time i was a senior in high school, it had worked.
do what you need to do so you can feel better about you. you are what you are, what you have, and you can do w/ her what you want. choices and decisions - and lots of practice. it'll take time, but i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to be. love and hugs
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 30, 2026, 12:39:09 PMI am glad you have started PT and that you are getting stronger. A feeling of physical strength is amazing. I couldn't believe quite how much, when I finally discovered fitness in my 40s. I am sure you can learn to live as all of you and that you are already some way down that road. 
You know about art and what colours work. It seems to me there could be several ways to work with the clothing conundrum. Thinking about putting make up on is one aspect and of course there is nothing wrong with make up as such. But I can see why it holds such connotations for you. You have not asked for suggestions but I am going to throw some out here, because I can't resist it. Ignore the rest of this post if you'd rather not think about them, and if you would like me to remove them just say and I will gladly edit the post.
Options that occur to me:
Start by just putting a bit of make up on at home and then cleaning it off again if it feels too much.
Consider whether your hair colour/style is the best for you and consider making changes if it is contributing to the washing-out effect.
On the above two points there are now various sites where you can upload a photo and then virtually try on make up or hair styles. It might be worth playing with that a little, just to get used to what you might look like in a mirror if you start experimenting in real life.
Experiment with wearing different colours next to your face until you find the ones that don't wash you out. Then add colour contrast below, or with a scarf worn loose so the colour actually next to your face is enhancing you.
If your colours are fine with your complexion but your colour contrasts still feel like they are wearing you, maybe you just need a bit of extra balance up top via a hat or scarf in your hair.
Do you wear glasses? They can be a very useful way to add balance to the whole look. My mother used to make me wear glasses that looked as unobtrusive as possible, supposedly to "hide" the fact that I was wearing them. Like you can hide that!! And I was supposed to pack on make up to hide my various defects. As I have got older I have cut down make up. I also enjoy bright clothing but have found that my face can hold its own with simply the right glasses and a slick of lipstick that suits my complexion.
If you have ever enjoyed acting see if there is an amateur dramatics group near you which might require you to paint your face for a theatrical purpose. That could be a fun way to break the back of the problem but it is very drastic!
You know about art and what colours work. It seems to me there could be several ways to work with the clothing conundrum. Thinking about putting make up on is one aspect and of course there is nothing wrong with make up as such. But I can see why it holds such connotations for you. You have not asked for suggestions but I am going to throw some out here, because I can't resist it. Ignore the rest of this post if you'd rather not think about them, and if you would like me to remove them just say and I will gladly edit the post.
Options that occur to me:
Start by just putting a bit of make up on at home and then cleaning it off again if it feels too much.
Consider whether your hair colour/style is the best for you and consider making changes if it is contributing to the washing-out effect.
On the above two points there are now various sites where you can upload a photo and then virtually try on make up or hair styles. It might be worth playing with that a little, just to get used to what you might look like in a mirror if you start experimenting in real life.
Experiment with wearing different colours next to your face until you find the ones that don't wash you out. Then add colour contrast below, or with a scarf worn loose so the colour actually next to your face is enhancing you.
If your colours are fine with your complexion but your colour contrasts still feel like they are wearing you, maybe you just need a bit of extra balance up top via a hat or scarf in your hair.
Do you wear glasses? They can be a very useful way to add balance to the whole look. My mother used to make me wear glasses that looked as unobtrusive as possible, supposedly to "hide" the fact that I was wearing them. Like you can hide that!! And I was supposed to pack on make up to hide my various defects. As I have got older I have cut down make up. I also enjoy bright clothing but have found that my face can hold its own with simply the right glasses and a slick of lipstick that suits my complexion.
If you have ever enjoyed acting see if there is an amateur dramatics group near you which might require you to paint your face for a theatrical purpose. That could be a fun way to break the back of the problem but it is very drastic!
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - January 30, 2026, 12:36:20 PMI think you know how to write poetry.
May you get the medicine you need.
Another poet for you:
Like plants,
the medicine
is everywhere.
--Paul Simon
May you get the medicine you need.
Another poet for you:
Like plants,
the medicine
is everywhere.
--Paul Simon