Recent posts
#81
Emotional Abuse / Re: grief
Last post by Desert Flower - January 28, 2026, 03:03:39 PMNo, it does not sound small at all em87 (apologies for calling you Saluki due to the ladybug), it sounds really bad. And I'm really sorry that happened to you. My heart goes out to you. Sending you lots of warmth and love and all that you need.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Chart - January 28, 2026, 12:49:15 PMQuote from: SenseOrgan on January 28, 2026, 11:43:52 AMMy position is that it only is when we are on board with it. It only works with an internal "yes" of the client, which may or may not follow that which is brought up. If it's an internal "no", that can be equally valid and worth while to explore. I think it's safe to lead with your intuition.I totally agree, only I would change "internal" to "explicit". For me, the whole idea of therapy is to simply find these limits and bring them into consciousness. The fact that so many of my reactions remain hidden from me indicates that their ultimate purpose is a secondary task to figure out. First I have to identify them, THEN I can work on changing them. There's definitely a place for a therapist to push some boundaries on occasion, in a non-violent fashion and with awareness on their part. Friends do the same thing for friends. It starts with soft and easy hints... then we can move forward depending on the realizations that come about. It doesn't matter tea or water, what matters is that the source for the decision is understood and fully conscious.
#83
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 28, 2026, 12:32:34 PMHi PelicanTown, welcome 
What you wrote really resonated with me. That line about how strange it feels to be in a place where people might actually understand you — yes. I felt that too when I found this space.
I'm much earlier in my own journey. I only learned a few months ago that what I've lived with has a name: CPTSD. It's been astonishing (and overwhelming at times) to realize how much there is to learn, and how much of my life suddenly makes sense in a new way.
I noticed how much overlap there is in the things you enjoy, especially animals. Dogs have been a huge part of my life too - long before I understood trauma. As a child, animals were where I felt safest, and later I volunteered for years with the Humane Society, working especially with fearful, undersocialized dogs. Looking back now, I can see how much mutual regulation was happening there. They felt safe with me, and I felt safe with them. It wasn't something I thought about at the time - it was just instinctive, and it helped me survive.
One thing that's really striking to me now is how brilliant and adaptive our nervous systems have been, especially when so much of what we endured was pre-verbal and/or relational. What once looked like "something wrong with me" now looks more like a system doing its best to keep me alive and connected.
I'm really glad you're here. This space has been helping me organize my thoughts and feel less alone - and it sounds like you've already built a lot of insight and care into your life. Welcome to the island of people who get it. 🤍
What you wrote really resonated with me. That line about how strange it feels to be in a place where people might actually understand you — yes. I felt that too when I found this space.
I'm much earlier in my own journey. I only learned a few months ago that what I've lived with has a name: CPTSD. It's been astonishing (and overwhelming at times) to realize how much there is to learn, and how much of my life suddenly makes sense in a new way.
I noticed how much overlap there is in the things you enjoy, especially animals. Dogs have been a huge part of my life too - long before I understood trauma. As a child, animals were where I felt safest, and later I volunteered for years with the Humane Society, working especially with fearful, undersocialized dogs. Looking back now, I can see how much mutual regulation was happening there. They felt safe with me, and I felt safe with them. It wasn't something I thought about at the time - it was just instinctive, and it helped me survive.
One thing that's really striking to me now is how brilliant and adaptive our nervous systems have been, especially when so much of what we endured was pre-verbal and/or relational. What once looked like "something wrong with me" now looks more like a system doing its best to keep me alive and connected.
I'm really glad you're here. This space has been helping me organize my thoughts and feel less alone - and it sounds like you've already built a lot of insight and care into your life. Welcome to the island of people who get it. 🤍
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Chart - January 28, 2026, 12:29:11 PMQuote from: SenseOrgan on January 28, 2026, 11:44:57 AMO, I was logged out when I clicked on the picture that didn't show... Dunno what's going on there. I cant's see it, unfortunatelySO, you did nothing wrong:
"Attachments awaiting approval"
I've a sneaking suspicion that Kizzie's overworked (and very likely underpaid :-)
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 28, 2026, 11:50:03 AM
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 28, 2026, 11:44:57 AMO, I was logged out when I clicked on the picture that didn't show... Dunno what's going on there. I cant's see it, unfortunately
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 28, 2026, 11:43:52 AMI'm very happy to hear you're in zero danger and very motivated to be here and heal! YES to that! YES to life! YES to YOU! 
There's so much in what you wrote that I recognize! I've ended up in situations and have done things that shocked me afterwards. Because I lost my agency. It's more obvious this happens with another F response, but with the fawn variety it feels more like I'm still present. Except I'm not. Not really. Not as me. With enough threat detection [neuroceptively speaking], my survival self takes over and I'm also the person who agrees to tea. Disappearing, exactly. I hate it when that happens. It feels awful. There's anger beneath it. That anger can be fuel for emancipation if it isn't directed at myself. There's a connection to what I do want in it. That's valid and powerful. It can be a pathway out of the holding pattern of shame.
Working with therapists has more than once triggered unsafety. By definition there is an agenda for the client. That's the whole point, isn't it? This can get tricky if therapist and client aren't entirely on the same page in the moment. It can get very subtle. But I think people with our sort of history pick up on all of that, consciously or unconsciously. When my preference is met with a value judgement, however subtle, it can trigger a fawn response. Knowing that the therapist has good intentions doesn't prevent the transference from happening. My system responds as if I was left no space to exist authentically. Again. And the way I learned to survive such a situation kicks in just as easily decades later. Because I don't have enough interpersonal experiences that taught me it is in fact, okay and safe to be me. And that it's perfectly fine to want or don't want certain things that others don't agree with. It can be even more difficult with a therapist, because there often is an assumption they know what's best for us. That could be true. My position is that it only is when we are on board with it. It only works with an internal "yes" of the client, which may or may not follow that which is brought up. If it's an internal "no", that can be equally valid and worth while to explore. I think it's safe to lead with your intuition.
There's so much in what you wrote that I recognize! I've ended up in situations and have done things that shocked me afterwards. Because I lost my agency. It's more obvious this happens with another F response, but with the fawn variety it feels more like I'm still present. Except I'm not. Not really. Not as me. With enough threat detection [neuroceptively speaking], my survival self takes over and I'm also the person who agrees to tea. Disappearing, exactly. I hate it when that happens. It feels awful. There's anger beneath it. That anger can be fuel for emancipation if it isn't directed at myself. There's a connection to what I do want in it. That's valid and powerful. It can be a pathway out of the holding pattern of shame.
Working with therapists has more than once triggered unsafety. By definition there is an agenda for the client. That's the whole point, isn't it? This can get tricky if therapist and client aren't entirely on the same page in the moment. It can get very subtle. But I think people with our sort of history pick up on all of that, consciously or unconsciously. When my preference is met with a value judgement, however subtle, it can trigger a fawn response. Knowing that the therapist has good intentions doesn't prevent the transference from happening. My system responds as if I was left no space to exist authentically. Again. And the way I learned to survive such a situation kicks in just as easily decades later. Because I don't have enough interpersonal experiences that taught me it is in fact, okay and safe to be me. And that it's perfectly fine to want or don't want certain things that others don't agree with. It can be even more difficult with a therapist, because there often is an assumption they know what's best for us. That could be true. My position is that it only is when we are on board with it. It only works with an internal "yes" of the client, which may or may not follow that which is brought up. If it's an internal "no", that can be equally valid and worth while to explore. I think it's safe to lead with your intuition.
Quote from: HannahOne on January 27, 2026, 09:49:16 PMfor Frank's sakeYou made my day with that. Boy do I enjoy this kind of playfulness with words. It's a keeper, for sure.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Chart - January 28, 2026, 10:16:55 AM
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Chart - January 28, 2026, 10:08:29 AMThank you Hope, for your kind hosting of this exchange. Me too I was highly stimulated by what TheBigBlue outlined. And it energized me too. PapaCoco often speaks to the power of our exchanges. It is really astounding and helps immensely. Things are making more and more sense. It's like we're constructing our general model of healing relativity. Each person encounters specific elements and has individual circumstances, but a general concept is taking form which seems to be making real sense. I've learned absolutely the greatest insights and understanding from the info related and shared by people on this forum. It's such a complicated issue, but so many highly sensitive, intensely experienced, and profoundly understanding people are pooling together... it's incredibly hopeful. We're all looking for hope... and here you are! Thankyou again.
Gros bisou !
Gros bisou !
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by dollyvee - January 28, 2026, 10:06:22 AMQuote from: NarcKiddo on January 27, 2026, 01:02:50 PMThe discussion about whether the scapegoat is weak or strong is interesting. I'm not even sure if a FOO would view it in those terms, were they to analyse it. After all, most of the time it is in their interests for the scapegoat to continue to be the scapegoat.
This is interesting NK and I do think in my family there were very much ideas around weak and strong --what is to be done and not done. I think scapegoats have to absorb the family story where to not be identified as weak, they have to be "strong," which is perhaps the very denial of those empathetic characteristics that their family saw in them and wanted to reconstrue because they couldn't handle the truth or the tension of what was happening in the family system. I'm also hesitant to identify with those empathetic characteristics I think because I was caught in a double bind --those characteristics made me strong, and I was supposed to be the saviour of the family, using my strength to help them, which is the part of the "story" that I feel like I have to be careful with. Scapegoats are very willing, according to Scapegoating in Families, to fulfil their role as saviour to keep the family together, and subconsciously take on that "bad" behaviour.
Quote from: Papa Coco on January 27, 2026, 02:17:47 PMAny dynamic goes into imbalanced chaos when one of its balancing components either changes or falls away. It's always been so easy for me to think of the family as villains versus victims, but what if it's more of a partnership of imbalanced behaviors driven by a family of imbalanced emotions? What if they need me to heal from their "abuse" as much as I need me to heal from it? What if it's more like if I heal, they heal too?
I wrote about this in my journal, but the Scapegoating in Families book goes into more detail about how the family functions as a system and scapegoating is used to provide an outlet for tensions in the family, which is meant to help the survival of the family. So, the child takes it all on as the saviour (but also the burden bearer) where they are IMO acutely aware of their own annihilation for not doing these things. I would be curious about healing yourself to heal others as it perhaps it is more of the same and that by doing this you are then "saving" your family and still trying to fulfil the scapegoat role?
Quote from: Papa Coco on January 27, 2026, 02:17:47 PMWhen I combine that sentiment with Chart's, Dolly's and NarcKiddo's thoughts on how the whole family falls into the trap of putting their blame onto someone willing to hold it for them, I see how the less willing I am to take their blame, the more chances we all have at learning how to be accountable for our own dysfunctional feelings.
To me, this is a great way to look at it PC. I know for a long time I felt like I had to prove that I was "right" and my family was "wrong," but it left a big gap for my understanding and ego where I knew that I couldn't be "right" all of the time, and I did/do make mistakes along the way. I was perhaps acting out the dysfunctional ways too that I was shown growing up, but I learned that I have to take responsibility for the things I do along the way too. I want to keep my side of the fence clean; it's much better that way. Not to prove other people wrong, but because it is much less emotionally messy, and I have spent a lifetime carrying other peoples' emotions thinking I had to sort it out for them, to save them.
Quote from: Papa Coco on January 27, 2026, 02:17:47 PMThis feels so much more real to me. So any time I allow someone to put their own shame onto me, Both of us, me and them, stop learning how each of us can be accountable for our own emotions and fears and shame and peace and love, etc
I think this sounds like a great boundary to have with someone where maybe you are more free to allow your self space to come out, and be the authentic you. I would also say that in my experience (and from the Fawning book) that it's not always a comfortable experience. Being more authentic is going to make some people uncomfortable.
Quote from: Papa Coco on January 27, 2026, 02:17:47 PMI fear depression far more than I fear anxiety. I've been a Nervous Ned since the day I was born. Anxiety has saved me many times by keeping my guard up. Hypervigilance keeps me aware of danger. Any time I relaxed around my Catholic family or friends, I was vulnerable to their exploitations. So I'm terrified of being relaxed.
Perhaps this is the old scapegoat story though? Or a part of you is still living with that story of who you are?
PC, I also feel a lot to be able to engage in a discussion like this and explore what is going on for each of us. To me, this is relational healing, getting to explore what I never had a context for and a chance to explore growing up.