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#81
Books & Articles / Re: Gisèle Pelicot - A Hymn to...
Last post by Blueberry - February 13, 2026, 07:06:53 PMGisèle Pelicot is and was so brave! I'm so sorry that the trial and how it went down exactly has caused a rift between her and her daughter. Abuse of whatever kind can cause such rifts. At least as far as I understand the whole family is united against the husband/father.
I read this quote elsewhere, purportedly from the Toronto Sun but I haven't checked: TW for SA wording
'She admits that if she had been 20 years younger, she might not have had the strength to do it.
"I might not have dared to refuse a closed-door hearing," she writes. "I would have feared the stares. Those damned stares a woman of my generation has always had to contend with, those damned stares that make you hesitate in the morning between trousers and a dress, that follow you or ignore you, flatter you and embarrass you. Those damned stares that are supposed to tell you who you are, what you're worth, and then abandon you as you grow older."'
End TW
I read this quote elsewhere, purportedly from the Toronto Sun but I haven't checked: TW for SA wording
'She admits that if she had been 20 years younger, she might not have had the strength to do it.
"I might not have dared to refuse a closed-door hearing," she writes. "I would have feared the stares. Those damned stares a woman of my generation has always had to contend with, those damned stares that make you hesitate in the morning between trousers and a dress, that follow you or ignore you, flatter you and embarrass you. Those damned stares that are supposed to tell you who you are, what you're worth, and then abandon you as you grow older."'
End TW
#82
Books & Articles / Re: Gisèle Pelicot - A Hymn to...
Last post by SenseOrgan - February 13, 2026, 06:46:58 PMKizzie, I haven't read the book yet. I just discovered she wrote it, watching an interview on Dutch TV. She'll receive the Four Freedoms Award in April. I'm in absolute awe of her. I can never see her on TV without crying. That's not even so much about the atrocities themselves, but more about how she carries herself. Her courage and dignity deeply resonate with me. She's a big inspiration. "Shame must change sides". You said something very similar in a comment on Bredrick's book. That message has been sinking in lately. For me, it's a very important one to really hear and start to live by. It helps to have examples of people who went before me, who are truly on their own side.
Reading the book is going to be challenging, I think. There were fragments in the item on TV. She's very open about what she went through, also during the trial. I have no idea if Gisèle Pelicot views what she's going through in the light of PTSD, or even CPTSD. Thus far I haven't heard her speak about it in those terms. If it's in the book, I'll report it here. What she did mention in the interview is that it helped her that she's older. She said she didn't know if she would have been able to carry this when younger. The interview is in French with Dutch subtitles. If you speak French and use VPN, I can look up the link for you if you'd want.
NarcKiddo
That's incredibly sad. I just learned that it was actually Pelicot's daughter who encouraged her mother to not give the perpetrators what they want by holding the trial behind closed doors.
Reading the book is going to be challenging, I think. There were fragments in the item on TV. She's very open about what she went through, also during the trial. I have no idea if Gisèle Pelicot views what she's going through in the light of PTSD, or even CPTSD. Thus far I haven't heard her speak about it in those terms. If it's in the book, I'll report it here. What she did mention in the interview is that it helped her that she's older. She said she didn't know if she would have been able to carry this when younger. The interview is in French with Dutch subtitles. If you speak French and use VPN, I can look up the link for you if you'd want.
NarcKiddo
That's incredibly sad. I just learned that it was actually Pelicot's daughter who encouraged her mother to not give the perpetrators what they want by holding the trial behind closed doors.
#83
Please Introduce Yourself Here / My Story
Last post by Dandelion22 - February 13, 2026, 06:02:28 PMHi,
I've never done anything like this before. I've been in therapy for three years and just turned 60. I've only in the past couple of years (because of therapy) been consciously aware of what happened to me as a kid. I always knew there was something, but couldn't put my finger on it, or just didn't want to believe myself.
I'm pretty high functioning out there in the world, but my relationships have been deeply troubled. I grew up with an abusive tyrant father and a checked-out passive mother (never protected us from Dad). My therapist has helped me see the powerful role of my mom's neglect on me and how i live my life. It's been much easier to see what my dad did to me. I was very aware of that growing up, but I kind of brushed it off as unimportant. That's how i survived. But i never looked at my mother who i just matter of factly knew that i mothered and not the other way around.
I have close supportive friends and loved ones but it's hard to describe all this to them and have them get it. Also, i don't enjoy talking about it and it's hard to accept support (as some of you would know). I want to see what's it's like to be around people who have similar experiences, especially so late in life. I'm grateful that I can face it now, my life has hugely improved, but it is jarring to know you lived your life one way, basically in the dark, for so long. I want to live as fully and consciously as I can now.
That's why I'm here.
I've never done anything like this before. I've been in therapy for three years and just turned 60. I've only in the past couple of years (because of therapy) been consciously aware of what happened to me as a kid. I always knew there was something, but couldn't put my finger on it, or just didn't want to believe myself.
I'm pretty high functioning out there in the world, but my relationships have been deeply troubled. I grew up with an abusive tyrant father and a checked-out passive mother (never protected us from Dad). My therapist has helped me see the powerful role of my mom's neglect on me and how i live my life. It's been much easier to see what my dad did to me. I was very aware of that growing up, but I kind of brushed it off as unimportant. That's how i survived. But i never looked at my mother who i just matter of factly knew that i mothered and not the other way around.
I have close supportive friends and loved ones but it's hard to describe all this to them and have them get it. Also, i don't enjoy talking about it and it's hard to accept support (as some of you would know). I want to see what's it's like to be around people who have similar experiences, especially so late in life. I'm grateful that I can face it now, my life has hugely improved, but it is jarring to know you lived your life one way, basically in the dark, for so long. I want to live as fully and consciously as I can now.
That's why I'm here.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 13, 2026, 05:23:16 PMIt sounds like you're doing exactly what you know how to do to get through this - and that matters.
You get to choose your own pace and limits, without pressure or expectations, and you also deserve moments that are more than just surviving when they're possible.
You get to choose your own pace and limits, without pressure or expectations, and you also deserve moments that are more than just surviving when they're possible.
#85
Books & Articles / Re: Gisèle Pelicot - A Hymn to...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 13, 2026, 05:19:53 PMI have been totally astonished by Mme Pelicot's courage and dignity in all of this. I believe the whole situation has caused a family rift between her and her daughter, which is very sad. Plus the upset for the families of the participants in this vile abuse. I feel I ought to try to read her book at some stage.
#86
Books & Articles / Re: Gisèle Pelicot - A Hymn to...
Last post by Kizzie - February 13, 2026, 04:48:51 PM"Shame must change sides". Absolutely!
Have you read the book yet SO? I remember when her story first came out I was amazed she had chosen to disclose publicly and say "No!" to shame. So courageous because although she did not own the shame (as we do not), I know there were those who questioned how she could not have known even having been drugged.
If you've read the book I'm curious to know if she talks about having CPTSD given she was drugged and unconscious when the abuse occurred. It must have been psychologically shattering to discover the years of abuse no matter what, but it's different in a way than being aware of our abuse even if we dissociate because the memories are there if deep down. Part of us knows whereas for her, there are no memories.
Have you read the book yet SO? I remember when her story first came out I was amazed she had chosen to disclose publicly and say "No!" to shame. So courageous because although she did not own the shame (as we do not), I know there were those who questioned how she could not have known even having been drugged.
If you've read the book I'm curious to know if she talks about having CPTSD given she was drugged and unconscious when the abuse occurred. It must have been psychologically shattering to discover the years of abuse no matter what, but it's different in a way than being aware of our abuse even if we dissociate because the memories are there if deep down. Part of us knows whereas for her, there are no memories.
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 13, 2026, 04:40:16 PMsanmagic7, I am so sorry to hear your D is going through this! I have to admit at 2 am I feel so alone, and then.... so many people have had it. It's a good corrective but a terrible club I wish no one had to be in. She's lucky to have you for support as much as she will allow or can receive. Thank you for reading and commenting and thank you for the hug, clarity and strength. It does feel like a tightrope decision but I am lucky to have time to gather more information that will make it more obvious I think. Kind of takes over one's life! I've fallen back into old habits, I put the kids on the bus and went back to bed and it's noon. I don't sleep I just stare, turn over, stare, turn over. I have several clients I need to respond to and I just.... dont' care. Luckily it's Friday. I have the weekend to be puddle of jello as both kids have weekend events. Will reconstitute Monday, LOL.
#88
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: opening up to support
Last post by Kizzie - February 13, 2026, 04:27:58 PMHi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Moshi 
Just my thoughts here but it takes a while when building relationships to have the kind of connection and trust to begin to share anything about our trauma. I like your idea of starting here and getting that feeling of connection, understanding and support you want (and deserve). We get it and we're going to be here for you whilst those who are non-survivors may be intimidated, perhaps even a bit overwhelmed to hear about your past unless they have come to know you well first.
It's hard I know but not everyone who is a non-survivor is secure enough in themselves to treat any disclosures from us with the respect and compassion we need. That's why it is so good you found your way here because we are
Just my thoughts here but it takes a while when building relationships to have the kind of connection and trust to begin to share anything about our trauma. I like your idea of starting here and getting that feeling of connection, understanding and support you want (and deserve). We get it and we're going to be here for you whilst those who are non-survivors may be intimidated, perhaps even a bit overwhelmed to hear about your past unless they have come to know you well first.
It's hard I know but not everyone who is a non-survivor is secure enough in themselves to treat any disclosures from us with the respect and compassion we need. That's why it is so good you found your way here because we are
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 13, 2026, 03:45:26 PMThanks all. 
My T thinks this has been a very positive development for me. By the time she expressed this view I was already pointing out the helpful sides of it. I think I was upset because this was a large step in my emotional acceptance of the fact that to FOO I am just a cog in their dysfunctional machine. I've known it intellectually for a long time, and I think I have emotionally realised it for quite some time in the case of my M. Because my F is generally so distant I (or rather Little NK) may have harboured some hope that perhaps he has more regard for me than a mere cog, but just has not been able to express that.
I don't feel sad or angry any more. I mean, I do still feel righteous indignation about all sorts of aspects, but my basic feeling is that sort of sour, flat acceptance when you realise something is what it is and you cannot change it. So now I must concentrate on how I will navigate the situation ongoing.
M phoned me today with an update I was not really interested in. I think she realises she has been played by F, though. She said he is so grateful he was not shoved into a care home. (This from the man who suggested an ongoing care need in the first place!) I said to her "I don't think he ever had the slightest intention of going there." She was taken aback by this comment, giggled in a sort of embarrassed way, and promptly changed the subject. Whatever her view about having been played by him she will not like the fact that I have seen through the situation.
Annoyingly, I made a couple of other helpful suggestions during this saga. I hope that from now on I will be able to override this tendency and STFU. I have got better at that over recent years, but still. Even more annoyingly, M has decided that the other two suggestions are completely helpful and she is following both of them up. F needs to agree to both and I am not clear if he has agreed to either. One involves obtaining a device to enable F to access his emails if he has to go into hospital again. He is a complete Luddite where technology is concerned. She is obtaining one herself and plans to learn how to use it so she can then teach him. Unfortunately it is a brand she knows I use and I can foresee being asked to teach her. That could be an interesting conversation, given I don't plan to be involved in anything "to help F". Not because I am unwilling to help with anything ever again (though my willingness is a very thin thread by now) but because I am not going to get sucked into some pointless activity that F does not even want but does not have the guts to be truthful about. Been there, done that.
My T thinks this has been a very positive development for me. By the time she expressed this view I was already pointing out the helpful sides of it. I think I was upset because this was a large step in my emotional acceptance of the fact that to FOO I am just a cog in their dysfunctional machine. I've known it intellectually for a long time, and I think I have emotionally realised it for quite some time in the case of my M. Because my F is generally so distant I (or rather Little NK) may have harboured some hope that perhaps he has more regard for me than a mere cog, but just has not been able to express that.
I don't feel sad or angry any more. I mean, I do still feel righteous indignation about all sorts of aspects, but my basic feeling is that sort of sour, flat acceptance when you realise something is what it is and you cannot change it. So now I must concentrate on how I will navigate the situation ongoing.
M phoned me today with an update I was not really interested in. I think she realises she has been played by F, though. She said he is so grateful he was not shoved into a care home. (This from the man who suggested an ongoing care need in the first place!) I said to her "I don't think he ever had the slightest intention of going there." She was taken aback by this comment, giggled in a sort of embarrassed way, and promptly changed the subject. Whatever her view about having been played by him she will not like the fact that I have seen through the situation.
Annoyingly, I made a couple of other helpful suggestions during this saga. I hope that from now on I will be able to override this tendency and STFU. I have got better at that over recent years, but still. Even more annoyingly, M has decided that the other two suggestions are completely helpful and she is following both of them up. F needs to agree to both and I am not clear if he has agreed to either. One involves obtaining a device to enable F to access his emails if he has to go into hospital again. He is a complete Luddite where technology is concerned. She is obtaining one herself and plans to learn how to use it so she can then teach him. Unfortunately it is a brand she knows I use and I can foresee being asked to teach her. That could be an interesting conversation, given I don't plan to be involved in anything "to help F". Not because I am unwilling to help with anything ever again (though my willingness is a very thin thread by now) but because I am not going to get sucked into some pointless activity that F does not even want but does not have the guts to be truthful about. Been there, done that.
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 13, 2026, 03:29:28 PMthanks for the hug, TBB. back atcha!
my D got stronger medicine than what we could get OTC, and she's managing it pretty well. she has terrible anxiety about taking pills/meds cuz they're messing w/ her brain and she had a bad trip w/ pot many years ago, so anything that taps into the brain for her is triggering. but, she's doing pretty well w/ the stuff she has now.
so far, i'm just tired, but i don't believe i'm sick. thank all the stars for that.
last nite i realized i was feeling a lot of pressure from people telling me to make sure to take care of myself, put my 02 mask on first. i may live for my kids, but i don't die for them, unless there's some kind of extenuating circumstance, and i've already talked about that w/ my D. i ran away to mexico as a way to take care of myself when i was on the brink cuz of D1 and ex-hub. i don't know what else to do but be here for her when she's too sick to be here for herself.
the difference is the abuse. here, now, there is none. then, it was flying at me from several different directions at once. that was killing me, this isn't. it wears me out, but i can survive that - have been all my life, so i'm very practiced at it. don't know exactly why i felt i had to explain myself. i think i'm trying to shrug the pressure off that i feel. funny how something so kind and positive can feel like some pressurized expectation that i can't possibly live up to.
maybe it's just me. i'm doing the best i can. maybe it doesn't look that way to others, maybe i can't explain it correctly here. i just do what i do, as much as i can, as long as i can stay sane, i'm surviving.
did i just fly into an EF? is there anger, like i felt a boundary's been crossed? am i feeling defensive? defending my way of doing things? i don't know. all, none, some. maybe i'm more tired than i know, but i will survive.
my D got stronger medicine than what we could get OTC, and she's managing it pretty well. she has terrible anxiety about taking pills/meds cuz they're messing w/ her brain and she had a bad trip w/ pot many years ago, so anything that taps into the brain for her is triggering. but, she's doing pretty well w/ the stuff she has now.
so far, i'm just tired, but i don't believe i'm sick. thank all the stars for that.
last nite i realized i was feeling a lot of pressure from people telling me to make sure to take care of myself, put my 02 mask on first. i may live for my kids, but i don't die for them, unless there's some kind of extenuating circumstance, and i've already talked about that w/ my D. i ran away to mexico as a way to take care of myself when i was on the brink cuz of D1 and ex-hub. i don't know what else to do but be here for her when she's too sick to be here for herself.
the difference is the abuse. here, now, there is none. then, it was flying at me from several different directions at once. that was killing me, this isn't. it wears me out, but i can survive that - have been all my life, so i'm very practiced at it. don't know exactly why i felt i had to explain myself. i think i'm trying to shrug the pressure off that i feel. funny how something so kind and positive can feel like some pressurized expectation that i can't possibly live up to.
maybe it's just me. i'm doing the best i can. maybe it doesn't look that way to others, maybe i can't explain it correctly here. i just do what i do, as much as i can, as long as i can stay sane, i'm surviving.
did i just fly into an EF? is there anger, like i felt a boundary's been crossed? am i feeling defensive? defending my way of doing things? i don't know. all, none, some. maybe i'm more tired than i know, but i will survive.