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#81
Symptoms - Other / Re: Why "Inner Strength" Does ...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 12, 2026, 05:48:11 PM
#82
Symptoms - Other / Re: Why "Inner Strength" Does ...
Last post by Chart - January 12, 2026, 05:39:42 PMQuote from: lowbudgetTV on January 12, 2026, 04:27:36 PMI feel more a need to be affirmed that it's okay to fail, feel scared and tired, feel lost, and feel little. Anything else feels like impostor syndrome.Yeah, I can't fake it anymore either.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 12, 2026, 05:12:11 PMthanks so much, DF - it was very comforting to hear what you had to say. you are part of my strength. 
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 12, 2026, 05:04:49 PMI just want to say I think the direction you're taking this in is actual strength. As opposed to our survival self, which is so often perceived as strong by others who aren't in the know about CPTSD. Your awareness of your vulnerabilities and potential pitfalls, and your compassionate commitment to your long term health are very positive in my book. It honstely makes me want to cheer for you!
I'm wondering if you're allowed to take someone with you to the chat with the company doctor. That could perhaps help you to say what you actually want to say because it provides more safety. I agree with you that it would be problematic if the doc only talks to your keep-on-going part without knowing what's going on. There are a couple of angles you can work this from. It partially depends on your official diagnosis, I guess. If you have a PTSD diagnosis, that would help. If not, perhaps you could clarify what you deal with by drawing a parallel with the buildup to a burnout. This is language the doc should understand. You could explain that what happened recently has been building for decades, and that it's trauma related. And that you had to learn to hide it even if you're not doing well at all. That it culminated in a crisis, and that it's not sustainable to continue as you did after you have recovered again. That you have this vulnerability and it needs to be taken into account. Not only for a short period of time, but always. Sustainable is the key word. It's in nobody's interest to have you in a crisis again. The risk for that needs to land with the doc, if you ask me.
You're navigating difficult terrain. I think you're doing great Desert Flower!
I'm wondering if you're allowed to take someone with you to the chat with the company doctor. That could perhaps help you to say what you actually want to say because it provides more safety. I agree with you that it would be problematic if the doc only talks to your keep-on-going part without knowing what's going on. There are a couple of angles you can work this from. It partially depends on your official diagnosis, I guess. If you have a PTSD diagnosis, that would help. If not, perhaps you could clarify what you deal with by drawing a parallel with the buildup to a burnout. This is language the doc should understand. You could explain that what happened recently has been building for decades, and that it's trauma related. And that you had to learn to hide it even if you're not doing well at all. That it culminated in a crisis, and that it's not sustainable to continue as you did after you have recovered again. That you have this vulnerability and it needs to be taken into account. Not only for a short period of time, but always. Sustainable is the key word. It's in nobody's interest to have you in a crisis again. The risk for that needs to land with the doc, if you ask me.
You're navigating difficult terrain. I think you're doing great Desert Flower!
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Desert Flower - January 12, 2026, 05:00:15 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on January 12, 2026, 04:52:12 PMto find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard. i think those 2 things are uppermost on my listI think it's very good to just hold those two things in mind and just see how the rest evolves.
If there's any time to start thinking about 'parts' it would be whenever you are ready, no sooner than that, if ever.
I totally understand you would not be able to sleep before an apointment like this. Wishing you lots of good luck in a few hours, I'll be thinking of you.
Love and hugs
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 12, 2026, 04:52:12 PMSO, that may be so cliche, but honestly, it nearly took my breath away at the same time putting a smile into my heart. thank you so much for that. i know i won't forget it. it's really special.
talking to a new therapist today, terrible anxiety about the whole thing last nite, so many 'what if's?' going around and around, very stressful, so when i woke during the nite, i couldn't get back to sleep for hours cuz the stress opened my mind to thoughts about my ex and my D1, none of which were helpful or hopeful, just agitating. maybe i need to get mad at them. or, which i've stopped doing, give them their 5 min. during the day to just say and do to me what they want, and then i can leave them behind.
anyway, there have been people here talking about parts, and this T told me she does a lot of IFS work, and i told her i was terrified of that. i've been thinking of it, looked it up, lots of feelings about parts, how they feel about me, too many feelings when i can't even access my own! so that sent me flying away from that even further. also, the thought came to me that i don't really know if i have parts, cuz i still feel quite a bit unformed in many ways. i've functioned like this forever, so except for the gray lady who is my 'endurer'. i can still feel floaty, like i have very little substance.
anyway, we'll find out in a few hours what's gonna happen. but i'm very nervous, scared, anxious about the whole thing. i know i need to find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard. i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list of how i want to start this therapy. we'll see.
talking to a new therapist today, terrible anxiety about the whole thing last nite, so many 'what if's?' going around and around, very stressful, so when i woke during the nite, i couldn't get back to sleep for hours cuz the stress opened my mind to thoughts about my ex and my D1, none of which were helpful or hopeful, just agitating. maybe i need to get mad at them. or, which i've stopped doing, give them their 5 min. during the day to just say and do to me what they want, and then i can leave them behind.
anyway, there have been people here talking about parts, and this T told me she does a lot of IFS work, and i told her i was terrified of that. i've been thinking of it, looked it up, lots of feelings about parts, how they feel about me, too many feelings when i can't even access my own! so that sent me flying away from that even further. also, the thought came to me that i don't really know if i have parts, cuz i still feel quite a bit unformed in many ways. i've functioned like this forever, so except for the gray lady who is my 'endurer'. i can still feel floaty, like i have very little substance.
anyway, we'll find out in a few hours what's gonna happen. but i'm very nervous, scared, anxious about the whole thing. i know i need to find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard. i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list of how i want to start this therapy. we'll see.
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 12, 2026, 04:38:26 PMso interesting, DF. i related so much to what you wrote, and to the idea of 'self-erasure' that thebigblue wrote. i've had problems for a very long time with the idea of feeling weak. i've always been the 'strong' one, have gotten thru a lot of muck because of my 'inner strength', if you will, but what happened is that after i began becoming sick cuz of carrying on thru everything all the time forever, i realized that it was important for me to feel weak sometimes, cuz sometimes i do not have enough strength to 'carry on' one more minute.
but every time i would talk about feeling weak, i would get the do-gooder push - you're stronger than you think, you've got this, you can do it, don't talk like that, etc, etc, etc. it made me want to scream!
at any rate, i know i'm one of the strongest people i know, but, yes, it's important to know when we're at a weak point, and just allow it. will others understand that? i don't think they want to hear it cuz it scares them. after all, not being able to stay strong thru life seems to mean ending that life, and they do not want to be anywhere near that. there is no just being who and how you are at any one moment. for them, it seems it's all or nothing all the time.
i'm very glad you were able to grab onto this for yourself. i'm with you all the way. we are what we are at any given time, but we're the only ones who can moderate, challenge, or change that with any sense of it being in our own best interest. thanks for speaking about this. love and hugs
but every time i would talk about feeling weak, i would get the do-gooder push - you're stronger than you think, you've got this, you can do it, don't talk like that, etc, etc, etc. it made me want to scream!
at any rate, i know i'm one of the strongest people i know, but, yes, it's important to know when we're at a weak point, and just allow it. will others understand that? i don't think they want to hear it cuz it scares them. after all, not being able to stay strong thru life seems to mean ending that life, and they do not want to be anywhere near that. there is no just being who and how you are at any one moment. for them, it seems it's all or nothing all the time.
i'm very glad you were able to grab onto this for yourself. i'm with you all the way. we are what we are at any given time, but we're the only ones who can moderate, challenge, or change that with any sense of it being in our own best interest. thanks for speaking about this. love and hugs
#88
Symptoms - Other / Re: Why "Inner Strength" Does ...
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 12, 2026, 04:27:36 PMThis reminds me of how it slightly bothers me when the "proper way" to discuss certain events is to discuss "resilience". Resilience feels as much as a corporate buzzword as anything to me now.
When a tragic and traumatizing event happens to a lot of people, I do not feel resilient. I feel tired. I feel positively victimized. I do relate to all that type of language. I am not coping well with big things that have happened to me or the little things.
I feel more a need to be affirmed that it's okay to fail, feel scared and tired, feel lost, and feel little. Anything else feels like impostor syndrome.
When a tragic and traumatizing event happens to a lot of people, I do not feel resilient. I feel tired. I feel positively victimized. I do relate to all that type of language. I am not coping well with big things that have happened to me or the little things.
I feel more a need to be affirmed that it's okay to fail, feel scared and tired, feel lost, and feel little. Anything else feels like impostor syndrome.
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 12, 2026, 04:02:04 PMhey, PC, i agree, we really are stronger together, and this is a new year for embracing that. i'm finding more support than i have in ages, and it's a big help to my feelings of stability. we'll get thru this, no matter what! love and hugs
#90
Symptoms - Other / Re: Why "Inner Strength" Does ...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 12, 2026, 03:50:32 PMQuote from: TheBigBlue on January 12, 2026, 02:28:57 PMwhat looked like "strength" was actually over-adaptation. Survival depended on hyper-functioning, vigilance, maintaining harmony, suppressing my own reality and needs to preserve connection – self-erasure through compliance, endurance, silence, and not burdening others. That came at the cost of authenticity, needs, and safety. There was no opportunity to develop an internal self that could hold safety.
This resonates deeply. It makes very good sense to me why indeed it bothers me so whenever people point out I'm 'strong'.