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#81

Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey

Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 12:59:47 PM

You're not alone, Ran. Thank you for sharing your story.
 

#82

AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: What is Joy?

Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 12:54:50 PM

I agree with NarcKiddo, I think the word joy means different things to different people. This is actually something that deeply annoys me, when people don't get the complexity of the language and words they are using. (Not this topic, I mean, what annoys me is in every day life when people throw words around without really thinking about what they mean and could imply.) I think the definition of joy would be quantitatively different for the Dali Llama as to a drug dealer in a favela in Brazil (but maybe not, actually).
But where joy might be contextual, depression is much more commonly agreed upon (is this due to the frequency of the latter and the rarity of the former?)
I'm sorry to hear your are struggling with depression, gcj07a. I experience mild to severe depression pretty much every morning, which can last from a couple hours to over a week. Things have been better since I discovered Cptsd and began working on my own inner health. The word Joy is perhaps more complex than we realize.

Imagine a child falls on the sidewalk and begins crying in pain. I watch as his parent comes to him and picks him up and hugs him and soothes him with their voice. I watch this from a distance, a stranger on the street. But this circumstance actually brings me joy (this sort of thing happens to me all the time). I am out in the world and see things happening and I feel inside my being that it is good and just and loving. Being witness to the workings of the Universe on this level definitely bring me joy. Saturday last I got out into the town and ran into a group of Brazillian-style drummers performing in the streets. I stayed with them for twenty minutes and was so touched and joyful that I began crying.
For me anyway, joy is found in the little things, the small occurences and events of existence as I witness them around me. The stillness of the forest can descend upon me like a waterfall, and the sun through the branches awaken an intense pleasure... Is that joy? In the end, maybe, it's I who determines what is joy or not... And if I determine it, then I can also encourage the Universe to send me more. As I start to see it I can (and have) realize that it's there all around me all the time. I see horror too. But then I can choose how far I need "go" into one or the other. It's not always a choice, most of the time not at all. My depression is not something I (yet) have much control over. But I get hints... relatively often, that I am not just a useless extra in this drama of existence. And then I run into people who feel similarly and we can relate... and boy o boy that feels good.
No, no, it's an EXCELLENT question (in my opinion :-)
And your question has brought me some joy reflecting on it. So thank you, gcj07a,from the bottom of my heart.
I am sending you some of the joy you have given me right back to you. Joy is, after all, ten times more potent when shared, thank you.
 

#83

Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey

Last post by Ran - December 01, 2025, 12:40:50 PM

I really appreciate everyone who have replied to me. All of this is very valuable for me, so thank you so much everyone. 

#84

Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey

Last post by Ran - December 01, 2025, 12:39:40 PM

 

#85

AV - Avoidance / Re: Fearful avoidance

Last post by Ran - December 01, 2025, 12:38:23 PM

Hi Ran,

I also have a distrust of peoples' intentions and often jump to the conclusion that they are trying to hurt me. Like you, I'm also fearful avoidant. I found Heidi Priebe's videos to be interesting on attachment theory, though I think the ones that have had the biggest impact are Jay Reid's videos on growing up as a scapegoat child. I also find IFS to be helpful though am working on connecting with Self more due to preverbal trauma (I think this is where the Jay Reid videos come in).

Sending you support,
dolly

Thank you dolly. I will definetly check them out. I need all the resources I can get possibly my hands on about it all and this forum has been teaching me a lot. I really appreciate it.

#86

Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey

Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 12:24:49 PM

 

#87

Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey

Last post by Ran - December 01, 2025, 12:16:23 PM

I'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.

Ran,
This sounds to me like very toxic behavior on the part of your father. As a father myself, I have learned, and I try, to support my children in their endeavors. Additionally, parents are financially responsible for their children, their well-being, their mental and physical health, etc, until a certain age. And in many countries (like here in France) and cultures, the law stipulates that parents continue being financially responsible for their children well into their twenties. Parents cannot just "cast-off" their kids. So the fact that your parents are still supporting you financially and with lodging while you pursue your medical studies is ABSOLUTELY normal and part of the order of Nature. This is what parents do! I imagine that you are active in the house and participate in helping their needs as well. This is all perfectly normal. I have said this before, and I am not alone in this opinion: Children owe NOTHING to their parents. As a parent myself, I cannot expect financial, emotional, physical support from my children. I CHOSE to have children, and I engaged in an obligation to raise them to the best of my ability. My children "owe" me nothing for the things I have done for them. This is the cycle of life and the natural order of things.

This fact seems to be incredibly blurred and twisted around the world in many many families...

I am very sorry, Ran, that your father and others are treating you this way. You do not deserve this kind of treatment and it is not an indication of who you are as a person.

I hope that you can find a way to distance yourself from this "toxic treatment". It's not easy, I know...

Sending support.
 

To clarify a bit. I study in a different field now. I'm pursuing graphic design course as my health and cptsd do not allow me to do physical work, before this all I was proffessionally trained as a caregiver. I like arts as I have always been more creative, but due to not knowing what I wanted, then in ways this caregiver role was pushed upon me. One of my big goals is to publish and illustrate my own books and this is why I'm pursuing after graduation a masters degree in graphic design as this is part of the program. I'm also hoping I can work from home with graphic design and earn income this way as with graphic design you can find work from all over the world and I know how internet works and marketing are something I'm knowledgeable about. I'm hoping that this gives me a way out of my enviroment. Living at home is also financially smart, but I need to figure out how to do this as I am a caregiver for my parents and sister and I think they do need another caregiver and home nurse as someone to help them out. It's hard to convince them though as they are stubborn. So I need to be smart about it. I'd still be delegating everything, but I wouldn't have to be present 24/7.

#88

Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...

Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 11:56:54 AM

I don't want to be almost okay all the time, pretend I'm okay and keep pushing through anymore. I'm not okay.

Hey DF, I hear you. I feel exactly the same. I keep reflecting in my mind about "constant pain". I compare myself to others and wonder if they experience "constant pain" like I do. My conclusion is, no. Aside from people here on the Forum, people who know they suffer from Cptsd, no... there is an absence of that deep deep understanding. For me it goes deep. But I don't want to be a "martyr" either! I hate that idea. Honestly, I'm not sure what I want, excepting the idea you wrote too:

I want this to go away.

I feel like that's the little child in me... please please please just make this go away... We all know, there are days when this feeling pushes us to our absolute maximum. Truly, the triggered worst of the worst... a place I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy...
And then you wrote this:

I know I can feel better.

Thank you DF, that said it (for me). No platitudes, no fancy metaphor... just fact. That sentence evolves beyond the idea of acceptance (which I personally believe in, but that's just me, and it doesn't mean giving in or giving up...) Your sentence is agency. "Determination" is too strong a word for me, because I'm more often than not a blob of miserable inability... but nonetheless, I know you are right, because I have and continue to experience just that... I feel WAAAAY better than I did two years ago. And it's SOOO important that I remember, remind, reinforce it in my head. Cause the contrast is just so powerful still... And now I'm rambling in your journal :-)
I've just thought of Carolyn Spring and how she phrases it, "I'm not exactly where I want to be... yet."
Thanks DF, sending love...

#89

AV - Avoidance / Re: Fearful avoidance

Last post by dollyvee - December 01, 2025, 11:46:51 AM

Hi Ran,

I also have a distrust of peoples' intentions and often jump to the conclusion that they are trying to hurt me. Like you, I'm also fearful avoidant. I found Heidi Priebe's videos to be interesting on attachment theory, though I think the ones that have had the biggest impact are Jay Reid's videos on growing up as a scapegoat child. I also find IFS to be helpful though am working on connecting with Self more due to preverbal trauma (I think this is where the Jay Reid videos come in).

Sending you support,
dolly

#90

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head

Last post by dollyvee - December 01, 2025, 11:42:13 AM

Hi Ladyboar,

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your cat. It made such a huge impact on me when mine passed away as well.

I also understand the feelings of was it that bad? I struggled with this for a very long time because of all the "love" my family gave me. If you're interested, I just finished reading I'm Glad My Mom Died, which dealt with that idea as well, and how a parent/caregiver can be loving and abusive at the same time. I also got a lot from Believe Me by Judith (?), which was about being gaslit by her m about the abuse she endured.

Sending you support for your journey,
dolly