Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 29, 2026, 06:06:10 PMI find it fascinating to see how and where journals flow.
I also find it fascinating just how much synchronicity there is. I am re-reading a book called "Mother Hunger" and the start deals very much with how infant brains develop.
Hope - I note you are having difficulty reading your new book for any length of time. I find that a lot, too. Even when I find the book really helpful, if it is to do with my psychological interests I often find myself actively trying to stop. My body just makes me get really tired and sleepy. It can be quite frustrating, especially when I know I am not actually tired or sleepy at all. If it is an audio book (I don't much like those but I have a few) I just zone out.
I also find it fascinating just how much synchronicity there is. I am re-reading a book called "Mother Hunger" and the start deals very much with how infant brains develop.
Hope - I note you are having difficulty reading your new book for any length of time. I find that a lot, too. Even when I find the book really helpful, if it is to do with my psychological interests I often find myself actively trying to stop. My body just makes me get really tired and sleepy. It can be quite frustrating, especially when I know I am not actually tired or sleepy at all. If it is an audio book (I don't much like those but I have a few) I just zone out.
#82
General Discussion / Re: Help understanding dissoci...
Last post by Armee - January 29, 2026, 06:02:07 PMHi. If you are able to read (ie focus on reading), one book I found really helpful in understanding dissociation was Janina Fisher's book Understanding the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, or something like that.
Don't worry about the categories and diagnoses so much. They aren't that clean and clear cut anyway.
Figuring out how to identify when dissociation is starting and how to get yourself out of it once you notice it is more helpful in my experience. And then eventually figuring out what has triggered a dissociative episode and then working on processing those issues slowly.
Another resource I love is the website DIS-SOS.
Don't worry about the categories and diagnoses so much. They aren't that clean and clear cut anyway.
Figuring out how to identify when dissociation is starting and how to get yourself out of it once you notice it is more helpful in my experience. And then eventually figuring out what has triggered a dissociative episode and then working on processing those issues slowly.
Another resource I love is the website DIS-SOS.
#83
General Discussion / Re: Help understanding dissoci...
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 29, 2026, 05:16:56 PMIt is hard to understand, and I think it quite likely that everyone's experience of dissociation is quite different from everyone else's.
I do not dissociate in such an acute or noticeable way as you do so it took me a very long time even to realise I do it. My issues also are not DID but I have realised that I do nevertheless have at least one part that takes over completely from time to time. I only realised that because she started doing it once during a therapy session but hesitated because the therapist is a safe person, so I was able to notice the slight disconnect.
Most of the time I dissociate I am in a sort of semi-aware state where I can respond and superficially appear to be a fully functioning adult but I ignore as much of my physical and mental sensation as possible. It can be quite handy if I need to endure an unpleasant dental appointment!
I am glad you have therapy starting and that you have found a clinical psychologist. I'm really sorry you have had a bad therapy experience in the past. It seems to me that this sort of thing takes quite a long time to process and can sometimes feel worse before feeling better. Discovering the extent of my dissociation and other symptoms, which I had brushed under the carpet, has been pretty rough at times. I think it is wise to be careful about wondering whether or not therapy will "work". If you have a fixed idea of what being healed looks like, it could backfire. My own childhood experience was grim from the start, so I actually have no concept of what normal looks like. I have never experienced it. My approach is to look back over the period of therapy and judge whether things generally feel better. Which they do. My EFs are less overwhelming, mostly, and because I now know what they are I can use tools to help when I am in one. I can sometimes catch myself starting to dissociate and pull back from it. Objectively, if I looked at myself right now I might say that therapy has not "worked" because I still have so many challenges. Subjectively, though, I have to say that it is definitely working and has been very helpful. I am fortunate to be in a position to be able to continue with therapy as much as I feel I need it. I can also now contemplate a time when I will feel ready to reduce frequency and maybe even stop. That is massive progress.
Welcome to OOTS and I wish you well on your healing journey.
I do not dissociate in such an acute or noticeable way as you do so it took me a very long time even to realise I do it. My issues also are not DID but I have realised that I do nevertheless have at least one part that takes over completely from time to time. I only realised that because she started doing it once during a therapy session but hesitated because the therapist is a safe person, so I was able to notice the slight disconnect.
Most of the time I dissociate I am in a sort of semi-aware state where I can respond and superficially appear to be a fully functioning adult but I ignore as much of my physical and mental sensation as possible. It can be quite handy if I need to endure an unpleasant dental appointment!
I am glad you have therapy starting and that you have found a clinical psychologist. I'm really sorry you have had a bad therapy experience in the past. It seems to me that this sort of thing takes quite a long time to process and can sometimes feel worse before feeling better. Discovering the extent of my dissociation and other symptoms, which I had brushed under the carpet, has been pretty rough at times. I think it is wise to be careful about wondering whether or not therapy will "work". If you have a fixed idea of what being healed looks like, it could backfire. My own childhood experience was grim from the start, so I actually have no concept of what normal looks like. I have never experienced it. My approach is to look back over the period of therapy and judge whether things generally feel better. Which they do. My EFs are less overwhelming, mostly, and because I now know what they are I can use tools to help when I am in one. I can sometimes catch myself starting to dissociate and pull back from it. Objectively, if I looked at myself right now I might say that therapy has not "worked" because I still have so many challenges. Subjectively, though, I have to say that it is definitely working and has been very helpful. I am fortunate to be in a position to be able to continue with therapy as much as I feel I need it. I can also now contemplate a time when I will feel ready to reduce frequency and maybe even stop. That is massive progress.
Welcome to OOTS and I wish you well on your healing journey.
#84
General Discussion / Help understanding dissociatio...
Last post by noraw - January 29, 2026, 04:10:27 PMHi,
Sorry if this post has spelling or errors, I'm typing fast to get thoughts out.
I did post here before but was having a hard time recently and deleted it. I am dealing with childhood trauma, an entire childhood of neglect, emotional and psychological abuse that left a huge mark on my life. I have severe body dysmorphia/insecurities, and I am also dealing with dissociation.
I seem to have maladaptive daydreaming/dissociative absorption and I also have a chronic shutdown response when I am not in MD. The maladaptive daydreaming is very intense and feels big.
I literally daydream automatically at least 8 hours a day, more if you consider the times when I am able to not daydream but still do slightly. I daydream about a character that isn't me and is of an opposite gender. He and his friends, family of friends have been consistent for at least 14 years. I daydreamed this way earlier in life, but these people have been there for 14 years. I use it for trying to process current issues in my life (like having deep discussions about my trauma and current issues related), plus just mundane made up situations, nothing extravagant.
Outside of daydreaming I shut down without realising and can't cope properly.
I feel every single day like I am disconnected. It isn't that I think life is literally fake, it just feels like I am not connected, like I am visiting my life after being gone for a long time and I can't connect anymore because I don't know anything or anyone. I feel like I am on automatic mode, like I am here but my brain is elsewhere.
I don't work, have friends or go out unless I have an important appointment. My day consists of daydreaming automatically and occasionally on purpose, watching funny YouTube to distract myself and feel something, and occasionally video games if I have the energy, which I don't always. I literally daydream for so long that I don't do important stuff like washing, tidying, paying bills or being emotionally "with it" for my cat. I can't escape but at the same time I can't bear the idea of not having my daydreams. My character feels like my protector, someone I have known for years. I know he isn't real but I am emotionally attached.
I have therapy starting and I found a clinical psychologist who seems to deal with trauma and dissociation, but I am scared that it won't work. I had a bad experience with a manipulative therapist and the rest were just not experienced in dissociation and trauma (a few trainee counsellors). I also feel like an imposter, like my issues are not DID therefore not bad enough. Plus all the self blame, shame and intense need to curl up and shrink myself.
I don't understand dissociation and such well enough and it is hard while you are in shutdown mode constantly. Can anyone help me understand it or relate to me? I haven't given up with therapy and keep throwing myself at it but it is exhausting.
Maybe help explain what is going on with me.
Sorry if this post has spelling or errors, I'm typing fast to get thoughts out.
I did post here before but was having a hard time recently and deleted it. I am dealing with childhood trauma, an entire childhood of neglect, emotional and psychological abuse that left a huge mark on my life. I have severe body dysmorphia/insecurities, and I am also dealing with dissociation.
I seem to have maladaptive daydreaming/dissociative absorption and I also have a chronic shutdown response when I am not in MD. The maladaptive daydreaming is very intense and feels big.
I literally daydream automatically at least 8 hours a day, more if you consider the times when I am able to not daydream but still do slightly. I daydream about a character that isn't me and is of an opposite gender. He and his friends, family of friends have been consistent for at least 14 years. I daydreamed this way earlier in life, but these people have been there for 14 years. I use it for trying to process current issues in my life (like having deep discussions about my trauma and current issues related), plus just mundane made up situations, nothing extravagant.
Outside of daydreaming I shut down without realising and can't cope properly.
I feel every single day like I am disconnected. It isn't that I think life is literally fake, it just feels like I am not connected, like I am visiting my life after being gone for a long time and I can't connect anymore because I don't know anything or anyone. I feel like I am on automatic mode, like I am here but my brain is elsewhere.
I don't work, have friends or go out unless I have an important appointment. My day consists of daydreaming automatically and occasionally on purpose, watching funny YouTube to distract myself and feel something, and occasionally video games if I have the energy, which I don't always. I literally daydream for so long that I don't do important stuff like washing, tidying, paying bills or being emotionally "with it" for my cat. I can't escape but at the same time I can't bear the idea of not having my daydreams. My character feels like my protector, someone I have known for years. I know he isn't real but I am emotionally attached.
I have therapy starting and I found a clinical psychologist who seems to deal with trauma and dissociation, but I am scared that it won't work. I had a bad experience with a manipulative therapist and the rest were just not experienced in dissociation and trauma (a few trainee counsellors). I also feel like an imposter, like my issues are not DID therefore not bad enough. Plus all the self blame, shame and intense need to curl up and shrink myself.
I don't understand dissociation and such well enough and it is hard while you are in shutdown mode constantly. Can anyone help me understand it or relate to me? I haven't given up with therapy and keep throwing myself at it but it is exhausting.
Maybe help explain what is going on with me.
#85
Poetry & Creative Writing / Something that resonates with ...
Last post by Teddy bear - January 29, 2026, 03:47:48 PMImpressed by this semi-poetry.
Hope it's okay to repost here. Found it on Facebook, written by someone named Eva Lilli.
// Trigger Warning: descriptions of psychiatric institutionalisation and medical trauma.
"May one write one's own journal?
There they sit in rows
Big bodies, heads down
The chairs can be stacked
And the floor is covered with linoleum
Some are drooling
Most faces paralyzed
They are so obese they can barely get up
The doctor says, "they are ill"
Because he needs research material—and data
That kind comes easily in his position
Scientific lies
And modern slavery
My friend was saved by chance
Tapered off after thirty years of industrial medical abuse
Saved right before the eternal abyss
No compensation in sight
Of course the system protects itself
Abuses the most vulnerable among us
Now she cannot manage on her own
Has lost too much time
She has a service dog—her lifeline and friend
People rush past her
Society has become a fatalistic glitter show
Too much for her vulnerable nervous system
She has suffered a brain injury
From years of vicious chemical experiments
But most days she's happy
Happy she got out...
Was she ever ill, though?
Absolutely not!
She was unlucky to have a frail father
And a violent mother
Such children are for sale
And as adults they are often abandoned without human rights
Many become a stack of meaningless papers
In a forgotten archive
Rest in peace to all our lost friends
And congratulations to the few who got out
Often, life is a matter of coincidences
Live it. 🌱"
#86
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: In desperate need of relie...
Last post by Stussy7 - January 29, 2026, 03:45:52 PMDo you try and ignore and push away your inner critic?
I used to..I hated my inner critic...until I started IFS therapy!
Our inner critic is a part of us, and it needs to be heard and validated just like our inner child.
It is actually trying to protect us. For example, it might be telling us to be better so that we don't get abandoned again.
The inner critic's thinking is misguided though.
If my inner critic is making me feel so ugly I want to rip my face off, I try and acknowledge her, thank her for her help, but then reassure her that people won't reject us if we are ugly...and that we only feel like that because of past abuse.
Sorry if that went a bit off topic. And I am so sorry your inner critic is overwhelming at the moment.
I used to..I hated my inner critic...until I started IFS therapy!
Our inner critic is a part of us, and it needs to be heard and validated just like our inner child.
It is actually trying to protect us. For example, it might be telling us to be better so that we don't get abandoned again.
The inner critic's thinking is misguided though.
If my inner critic is making me feel so ugly I want to rip my face off, I try and acknowledge her, thank her for her help, but then reassure her that people won't reject us if we are ugly...and that we only feel like that because of past abuse.
Sorry if that went a bit off topic. And I am so sorry your inner critic is overwhelming at the moment.
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 29, 2026, 03:40:54 PMthanks for the cheers, TBB. i do believe she's just what i need right now. 
chart, i so appreciate the love and support. it's a struggle to find a good fit w/ a T, for sure, but all the validation i'm getting here is helping me know i made the right choice in tossing the others. thank you so for being with me.
armee, it does, doesn't it! thank you for checking in on me.
thank you, NK. i'm happy for me, too, and looking forward to how this is going to play out.
hannah1, thanks for sharing that happiness w/ me. i love it!
DF, i agree - it's worth it all, as far as i can see. thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for your support, SO. i'm glad i could, too, altho it was a very violent reaction. those expectations/walls die hard.
after reading everyone's responses here, so much kindness and love and support, i'm weepy from the enormity of it. i'm working at taking it in, but at the same time it's difficult cuz my first reaction is to reject it, hold it at bay, it's too much, too heavy, too weird, too unfamiliar. and that's where all this stems from, isn't it. familiar = family. didn't get it there, don't know how to take it in, don't know what to do with it, uncomfortable w/ how it feels, reject the strangeness of it. or explode thru it. am unable to regulate it.
and all the information i read this morning about baby brains and how they respond to neglect was profound. and it hit home, hard. again, it seems the more i get into recovery, the more painful it is. these realizations tear at me, shred my heart. and, o, here's a thought, my baby me, thinking about how i had to react - i just shied away from naming her a a 'part' - my baby me, thinking about how she had to react to being ignored (don't pick babies up every time they cry or you'll spoil them - i grew up in that kind of mentality, along w/ 'children should be seen and not heard', so ignored there, too) and my heart absolutely aches for her, and i'm crying right now to think of that poor baby lying in her crib or playpen, out of the way so mom could clean and re-clean her already spotless house.
i'm so heartbroken right now, i have to leave and just cry it out.
chart, i so appreciate the love and support. it's a struggle to find a good fit w/ a T, for sure, but all the validation i'm getting here is helping me know i made the right choice in tossing the others. thank you so for being with me.
armee, it does, doesn't it! thank you for checking in on me.
thank you, NK. i'm happy for me, too, and looking forward to how this is going to play out.
hannah1, thanks for sharing that happiness w/ me. i love it!
DF, i agree - it's worth it all, as far as i can see. thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for your support, SO. i'm glad i could, too, altho it was a very violent reaction. those expectations/walls die hard.
after reading everyone's responses here, so much kindness and love and support, i'm weepy from the enormity of it. i'm working at taking it in, but at the same time it's difficult cuz my first reaction is to reject it, hold it at bay, it's too much, too heavy, too weird, too unfamiliar. and that's where all this stems from, isn't it. familiar = family. didn't get it there, don't know how to take it in, don't know what to do with it, uncomfortable w/ how it feels, reject the strangeness of it. or explode thru it. am unable to regulate it.
and all the information i read this morning about baby brains and how they respond to neglect was profound. and it hit home, hard. again, it seems the more i get into recovery, the more painful it is. these realizations tear at me, shred my heart. and, o, here's a thought, my baby me, thinking about how i had to react - i just shied away from naming her a a 'part' - my baby me, thinking about how she had to react to being ignored (don't pick babies up every time they cry or you'll spoil them - i grew up in that kind of mentality, along w/ 'children should be seen and not heard', so ignored there, too) and my heart absolutely aches for her, and i'm crying right now to think of that poor baby lying in her crib or playpen, out of the way so mom could clean and re-clean her already spotless house.
i'm so heartbroken right now, i have to leave and just cry it out.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 29, 2026, 03:16:52 PMQuoteBut I'm not in a war zone. I can have preferences. I can have boundaries. I can have water, or tea, I can make a morning routine or not. If I focus on what I want for myself, I feel my self come more into presence,Quotei thought this was a profound realization, and i loved reading it, hannah1.
i have felt that 'nothingness' about myself as well, which is why, i think, when i thought about doing parts work, i was afraid there were no parts in there. just a big block of 'me' who does what needs to be done. there's always been something that needs to be done, and it was often some sort of survival. so, all of me was focused on just that, which was plenty. no room for anything else.
so glad for you that you found your 'self' in all this. well done! love and hugs
#89
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm
Last post by pelicantown - January 29, 2026, 03:09:02 PMThank you for all your replies 
#90
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by pelicantown - January 29, 2026, 03:07:55 PMQuote from: LucasLu on January 29, 2026, 09:33:53 AMI suggest you discuss this matter with a professional psychologist. It could be somatic numbness or impaired emotional empathy. Based on my personal experience, you should not only seek individual counseling but may also require couples counseling later on. The reduction in your emotional responsiveness might make it difficult for you to empathize with your partner at times, which could potentially affect the intimacy between you.
6+ years of individual therapy and 2+ years of couples (although we are no longer in couples)
This issue doesn't affect my relationships with others, more so the relationship I have with myself. It's also something that happened later in my therapy journey, and that's actually completely physiological rather than psychological. I find that to be the case with most of my issues. For the record, I've been on Wellbutrin, and while that did help with many of my PTSD symptoms, I couldn't keep taking it because it messed with my digestive system.Somatic numbness or impaired emotional empathy sounds much too extreme for my case! I guess I'm just talking about feeling happy emotions at 1-6 on a 10-point scale and not being able to feel the 6-10, if that makes sense?
@Chart I like that idea of treating mood like a scale. I think there are times where I can be quite black-and-white about mood, even though I'm not that way about other things.
@TeddyBear Oh man, I don't know what I'd do without my dog. He gets me out of bed in the morning!! It sounds like you've got many great ways to cope and are prioritizing the right things.
