Recent posts
#81
General Discussion / Re: Autism or CPTSD?
Last post by Gromit - January 24, 2026, 08:42:36 AMThis is a fascinating topic.
A couple of years ago I wondered if I had ADHD and did approach the GP for assistance. I found my school reports, scanned them all in, sent all the information. But, the GP thought it was all down to trauma, all I have regarding PTSD is a confirmation from them that I have 'traits of PTSD'. I was assessed, by telephone, by a psych nurse, who said I ticked some boxes for ADHD and some for autism, but not enough to be referred for assessment in either.
Like others here, when trauma has been your experience from the very beginning of your life, how do you separate that from anything else?
Now, however, my daughter is at university and her GP there suggested she be tested for autism and, apparently she is Level 1 autistic. And I wonder, if that is due to being brought up by me? I was quite surprised, she has always been more socially adept than I have. The reason I looked into it for me was that I struggled to get employment, both she and her father told me, 'tell them what they want to hear' and I thought, 'what the * is that?'.
As for me, I just see myself as neuro-divergent, that makes sense, I really wish I had had more support at school instead of people there telling me to be more like everyone else but the awareness was not there in those days.
Is it trauma? Is it innate? I feel it may have been innate, but I really cannot tell. However, I am somewhat glad that I am not typical.
G
A couple of years ago I wondered if I had ADHD and did approach the GP for assistance. I found my school reports, scanned them all in, sent all the information. But, the GP thought it was all down to trauma, all I have regarding PTSD is a confirmation from them that I have 'traits of PTSD'. I was assessed, by telephone, by a psych nurse, who said I ticked some boxes for ADHD and some for autism, but not enough to be referred for assessment in either.
Like others here, when trauma has been your experience from the very beginning of your life, how do you separate that from anything else?
Now, however, my daughter is at university and her GP there suggested she be tested for autism and, apparently she is Level 1 autistic. And I wonder, if that is due to being brought up by me? I was quite surprised, she has always been more socially adept than I have. The reason I looked into it for me was that I struggled to get employment, both she and her father told me, 'tell them what they want to hear' and I thought, 'what the * is that?'.
As for me, I just see myself as neuro-divergent, that makes sense, I really wish I had had more support at school instead of people there telling me to be more like everyone else but the awareness was not there in those days.
Is it trauma? Is it innate? I feel it may have been innate, but I really cannot tell. However, I am somewhat glad that I am not typical.
G
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - January 24, 2026, 03:36:11 AMDolly,
Yup. The past is what made me who I am today, and even though I struggle to be comfortable in my own skin, I do actually kind of love myself now. More than I ever have. Nervous fear is wired into me so I can't always escape it, but I have lost my self-loathing and I recognize that I am the product of absolutely everything that's ever happened to or around me.
In the study of human happiness, I've learned that our nervous systems are a differential engine, that assesses its moods based on their worst times versus their best times. Experts in Human Happiness say that "not only can people with sad pasts feel true happiness, but it seems that ONLY people with sad pasts can feel true happiness." Those who've never had a bad day don't know a good one when it happens right in front of them.
A lot of beautiful people have compassionately helped me throughout my life, and I have, in turn, helped a lot of people throughout my life, due, in part, to us having walked a few thousand miles in the shoes of each other. My need to be emotionally "felt" by others, makes me quick to believe that's what others want also. I like being with people who want to feel cared about, and who want to care about others. So, I find myself wanting to share myself with people while they share themselves with me...emotionally. I assume that other people want to be heard and believed and cared about as much as I do. So, as far as my complicated past goes, what's done is done. It drives me to feeling crazy when EFs come over me, but when I'm back to my non-triggered self, my past is the reason I am who I am, but I'm finally able to love who I am.
I'm sorry people have to suffer, but I'm glad when those of us who've suffered are willing to pick each other up and help dust off the debris.
Just wish I didn't get so panicky so often, but even the EFs are happening less often and lasting for much shorter times in duration.
Yup. The past is what made me who I am today, and even though I struggle to be comfortable in my own skin, I do actually kind of love myself now. More than I ever have. Nervous fear is wired into me so I can't always escape it, but I have lost my self-loathing and I recognize that I am the product of absolutely everything that's ever happened to or around me.
In the study of human happiness, I've learned that our nervous systems are a differential engine, that assesses its moods based on their worst times versus their best times. Experts in Human Happiness say that "not only can people with sad pasts feel true happiness, but it seems that ONLY people with sad pasts can feel true happiness." Those who've never had a bad day don't know a good one when it happens right in front of them.
A lot of beautiful people have compassionately helped me throughout my life, and I have, in turn, helped a lot of people throughout my life, due, in part, to us having walked a few thousand miles in the shoes of each other. My need to be emotionally "felt" by others, makes me quick to believe that's what others want also. I like being with people who want to feel cared about, and who want to care about others. So, I find myself wanting to share myself with people while they share themselves with me...emotionally. I assume that other people want to be heard and believed and cared about as much as I do. So, as far as my complicated past goes, what's done is done. It drives me to feeling crazy when EFs come over me, but when I'm back to my non-triggered self, my past is the reason I am who I am, but I'm finally able to love who I am.
I'm sorry people have to suffer, but I'm glad when those of us who've suffered are willing to pick each other up and help dust off the debris.
Just wish I didn't get so panicky so often, but even the EFs are happening less often and lasting for much shorter times in duration.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 24, 2026, 01:15:06 AMDid I make myself sick?
Not on purpose.
Did I not do enough therapy? Did I not do the right therapy? Did I not reveal enough shame, grief, rage? Did I not process it right?
Or was I "too good" of a client? Did I overwork, obsess about the past, and so "not get over it"?
Is it all because of the abuse? my lack of fight? Is it because I froze? Or acquiesced?
Are my feelings poisoning me?
Am I toxic?
I don't want to let go of the fight. Rage. I needed that. I still need it. I don't want to give up flight. I loved running, my twelve miles a day in high school. Even submit, I'll keep it, horrific as it is. In my acquiescence was my one option for power and I don't want to give up one iota of my options. Shame? Kept me safer by keeping me small. Grief? I hate it. And, it shows me that I mattered. It all mattered. It all had material weight.
My feelings are, in a sense, me. Part of the All of me.
Carrying grief might be exhausting. Might be giving me "chronic fatigue." I suppose holding on to rage might be giving me "autoimmune disease." Keeping shame might be making me flabby. Maybe acquiescence gave me cancer.
Maybe it's not my feelings making me sick, maybe it's how I've weaponized them against myself just as my abusers used to do. Maybe it's thinking "my feelings are toxic" "I should be more Zen" "I need to get over this" "I'm not working hard enough to heal" "What's wrong with me that I'm not calm and happy all the time?" Or the internalized abuser, whenever I'm upset, "You make me sick."
Feeling like I'm making myself sick is probably more old programming. Feeling like I'm dangerous, a problem, a poison. Like it's all my fault, everything and anything that happens.
Sometimes people just get sick. Sometimes people just have a feeling.
I want to use this experience to change and grow. But maybe the way to use the experience is not to determine that I can never get upset again. Instead maybe now it's safe to feel my feelings, and in doing so I am reclaiming myself, my power, my safety. If I feel safer, I'll have less stress, which can only be good for my body.
I don't want to get rid of my feelings. Whatever feeling I am having in the moment it's probably what some part of me thinks I need. My nervous system delivers me shame, rage, and grief on a platter as it responds to stimuli to keep me safe. That doesn't make me wrong, it makes me a mammal.
Maybe being with my feelings will help my nervous system. If I'm not fleeing my feelings, fighting them, or submitting to them, maybe my nervous system will learn that they're safe, not dangerous, not toxic. I just don't want to stay in any one state very long. I want to be like Frank, move through those states. He freezes, but only for ten seconds. He flees, but only fifteen hops. He kicks out, but then turns and hops back over, resumes chewing his hay, goes back into a flop. He doesn't stay in the stress, think about it, analyze it, reprimand himself to do "better" next time. He's ok with being a little spooky. If I breeze down the hall and don't announce myself, he's going to jump straight up in the air. Me: "Oh sorry Frank! I didn't see you there!" Him "Oh sorry, HannahOne, I didn't hear you coming!" Me: "I'll be sure to hum or call out when I'm passing by!" But it's cool. He's already back in a flop, back legs flung out behind.
Not on purpose.
Did I not do enough therapy? Did I not do the right therapy? Did I not reveal enough shame, grief, rage? Did I not process it right?
Or was I "too good" of a client? Did I overwork, obsess about the past, and so "not get over it"?
Is it all because of the abuse? my lack of fight? Is it because I froze? Or acquiesced?
Are my feelings poisoning me?
Am I toxic?
I don't want to let go of the fight. Rage. I needed that. I still need it. I don't want to give up flight. I loved running, my twelve miles a day in high school. Even submit, I'll keep it, horrific as it is. In my acquiescence was my one option for power and I don't want to give up one iota of my options. Shame? Kept me safer by keeping me small. Grief? I hate it. And, it shows me that I mattered. It all mattered. It all had material weight.
My feelings are, in a sense, me. Part of the All of me.
Carrying grief might be exhausting. Might be giving me "chronic fatigue." I suppose holding on to rage might be giving me "autoimmune disease." Keeping shame might be making me flabby. Maybe acquiescence gave me cancer.
Maybe it's not my feelings making me sick, maybe it's how I've weaponized them against myself just as my abusers used to do. Maybe it's thinking "my feelings are toxic" "I should be more Zen" "I need to get over this" "I'm not working hard enough to heal" "What's wrong with me that I'm not calm and happy all the time?" Or the internalized abuser, whenever I'm upset, "You make me sick."
Feeling like I'm making myself sick is probably more old programming. Feeling like I'm dangerous, a problem, a poison. Like it's all my fault, everything and anything that happens.
Sometimes people just get sick. Sometimes people just have a feeling.
I want to use this experience to change and grow. But maybe the way to use the experience is not to determine that I can never get upset again. Instead maybe now it's safe to feel my feelings, and in doing so I am reclaiming myself, my power, my safety. If I feel safer, I'll have less stress, which can only be good for my body.
I don't want to get rid of my feelings. Whatever feeling I am having in the moment it's probably what some part of me thinks I need. My nervous system delivers me shame, rage, and grief on a platter as it responds to stimuli to keep me safe. That doesn't make me wrong, it makes me a mammal.
Maybe being with my feelings will help my nervous system. If I'm not fleeing my feelings, fighting them, or submitting to them, maybe my nervous system will learn that they're safe, not dangerous, not toxic. I just don't want to stay in any one state very long. I want to be like Frank, move through those states. He freezes, but only for ten seconds. He flees, but only fifteen hops. He kicks out, but then turns and hops back over, resumes chewing his hay, goes back into a flop. He doesn't stay in the stress, think about it, analyze it, reprimand himself to do "better" next time. He's ok with being a little spooky. If I breeze down the hall and don't announce myself, he's going to jump straight up in the air. Me: "Oh sorry Frank! I didn't see you there!" Him "Oh sorry, HannahOne, I didn't hear you coming!" Me: "I'll be sure to hum or call out when I'm passing by!" But it's cool. He's already back in a flop, back legs flung out behind.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 23, 2026, 11:56:20 PMFeeling sad again because my father keeps leaving me voicemails at the holidays, obviously at the order of my mother who now knows I hate her. I just wanted to check on my partner who was at a protest, who left me a voicemail that they were okay and on their way home. Alas, the blocked calls still go to voicemail. I miss my old voice to text voicemails. His voice is so sick and old.
I try to remember the bad things to avoid the guilt. I still just want loving parents sometimes, though.
I try to remember the bad things to avoid the guilt. I still just want loving parents sometimes, though.
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by dollyvee - January 23, 2026, 10:53:35 PMI'm sorry PC, that's a lot, but like you say it's time to not have it as your story any more.
#86
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / FREE Excellent Online Yoga for...
Last post by Armee - January 23, 2026, 09:25:49 PMThis is the trauma sensitive yoga program that started as a companion to Bessel van der Kolk's trauma center. These folks are really good at providing space for free choice and gentle body movement. This is different from most yoga programs. It is very gentle and easy. You are offered full choice with suggestions to consider, all online, very very trauma-informed, and cameras OFF.
Normally there is a registration process and small nominal fee for these but next week several sessions will be offered for free and without registration. I HIGHLY recommend these.
Times are Eastern United States time zone.
https://www.healwithcfte.org/e/BAh7BjoWZW1haWxfZGVsaXZlcnlfaWRsKwjMC9wPCQA%3D--ef29c79f39612544c7ee2f4eaff78e5a78931d9a?skip_click_tracking=true
Normally there is a registration process and small nominal fee for these but next week several sessions will be offered for free and without registration. I HIGHLY recommend these.
Times are Eastern United States time zone.
https://www.healwithcfte.org/e/BAh7BjoWZW1haWxfZGVsaXZlcnlfaWRsKwjMC9wPCQA%3D--ef29c79f39612544c7ee2f4eaff78e5a78931d9a?skip_click_tracking=true
#87
General Discussion / Re: Trauma and Depression
Last post by Teddy bear - January 23, 2026, 09:14:21 PMQuote from: Blueberry on January 21, 2026, 11:12:32 PMThanks for commenting Teddy bear and bringing this old thread back up again! It's interesting for me to read again, including my own posts.
Last time I was in inpatient therapy my depression diagnosis was upped from: MDD Medium to: MDD Severe. Atm I'm struggling with almost everything: getting up, staying up, personal hygiene, cleaning, tidying, phoning friends (emails are a little easier but not as helpful as real person-to-person contact like hearing a real voice), going out of the house for a breath of fresh air...
Not so surprising, there are things it would be better to communicate to somebody which I am not doing and that tends to create a backlog of unprocessed emotions and then depression gets worse, in my case. I'm also feeling useless and feeling despair and that all feeds into the depression.
Seconding Sceal too, not that Sceal has been on the forum for a while I think.
Thank you, Blueberry,
Fortunately, I seem to be feeling better already, though just yesterday I was struggling with similar things to what you described. Hopefully, it's not just for today, and the positive trend continues.
(Probably, denying myself things I don't want to do, having rest, and focusing on pleasant and healthy things was useful for me—including more fresh air and walks, especially with sunshine.
Also, discussing the things that were bothering me most with some people from the 12-step program brought me some relief.)
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - January 23, 2026, 07:21:08 PMI turned 25 this month!
Definitely still having some ups and downs from being reintroduced to some old traumas as previously said. It's lessened--I think since I was able to spend a lot of time with loved ones. I have some positive life changes ahead of me which has also been refreshing. New jobs, new places, new relationships maybe. I also had a very positive departure from my last job which felt good as that hasn't been the case in some jobs before.
My health is also making some big improvements which gives me a lot of relief, although it still isn't easy.
I'd also like to note that I am proud of myself for the steps I've taken to better some of my bad habits and I hope to continue that. Praying that improvements also continue with my intimacy issues. I won't say specifically but there have been some wins there, too.
Still wishing I was able to talk to a professional maybe. I go back and forth on it a lot but it isn't in the cards right now. I'll be good, though.
Chart, as always, thank you for your thoughtful response. PMR sounds like a very valuable tool--sometimes I feel a lot of tension everywhere in my body like I'm gonna burst. Maybe that would help keep me from boiling over when that feeling comes on.
I hope everyone here had a wonderful and love-filled holiday season. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers each night--you deserve it. xoxo
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by HannahOne - January 23, 2026, 05:46:13 PMThey do morph and infiltrate don't they!?
Hooray for the adult NK in charge!
and keeping the self safe.
Hooray for the adult NK in charge!
and keeping the self safe. #90
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 23, 2026, 05:01:30 PMI start every day by getting dressed. And the process is an exercise in being aware of my CPTSD. I start by making choices. What do I want to say today? How do I want to feel? And try things on until I feel an internal yes. I have to allow time for this. I cannot be rushed.
My parents would say this is frivolous, self-centered, ridiculous and inane. Who cares what you're wearing? Who do I think I am?
I get it. What a luxury to have thirty minutes to try on clothes. And new clothes! And impractical shoes! And yeah, who cares? No one. But I care how I feel. And I care about who I think I am. I care about what I want to say. And it's my life! It's now or never.... I ain't gonna live forever! I just wanna live while I'm alive.... Thanks, Bon Jovi! Getting dressed is about expressing who I am because that's what I want to do. And it's my life.
The process of getting dressed is an exercise in CPTSD. Which parts of me do I want to extrovert today and which parts do I want to protect and keep internal? I need to keep the child self with me in awareness, I need to embody the adult that I am, I need to exhibit intentionality and self control and I want to exhibit approachability and fun. I have to battle through the internal critic where everything I put on is ugly, makes me look like a slut, makes me look like a country bumpkin or a pretentious city slicker or makes me look too big or too small or.....
Getting dressed is worth spending time on. I start the day by making conscious choices, decisions. Not on automatic pilot, not being run by old programs, not unconscious. By the end of the process, I'm as embodied as I can get, as conscious as I can be, of who I am and what I am about that day. I've thrown off the nightmares, oriented to time and space, done a life review of all the me's I've ever been and am likely wearing remnants of each. I've got the childhood bracelet, the suit pants from my office jobs in my thirties, the slouchy sneakers from the teen years, the college t shirt over a lace blouse like my grandmother wore, the mom era jean blazer. I've got all of me.
If I just throw on sweatpants, I'm ripe for an emotional flashback, easy pickings for anyone who wants to ignore or disrespect me, set up to fail when I run into the school principal or a client, and skulking around trying to be invisible.
Better to show up as All of me.
My parents would say this is frivolous, self-centered, ridiculous and inane. Who cares what you're wearing? Who do I think I am?
I get it. What a luxury to have thirty minutes to try on clothes. And new clothes! And impractical shoes! And yeah, who cares? No one. But I care how I feel. And I care about who I think I am. I care about what I want to say. And it's my life! It's now or never.... I ain't gonna live forever! I just wanna live while I'm alive.... Thanks, Bon Jovi! Getting dressed is about expressing who I am because that's what I want to do. And it's my life.
The process of getting dressed is an exercise in CPTSD. Which parts of me do I want to extrovert today and which parts do I want to protect and keep internal? I need to keep the child self with me in awareness, I need to embody the adult that I am, I need to exhibit intentionality and self control and I want to exhibit approachability and fun. I have to battle through the internal critic where everything I put on is ugly, makes me look like a slut, makes me look like a country bumpkin or a pretentious city slicker or makes me look too big or too small or.....
Getting dressed is worth spending time on. I start the day by making conscious choices, decisions. Not on automatic pilot, not being run by old programs, not unconscious. By the end of the process, I'm as embodied as I can get, as conscious as I can be, of who I am and what I am about that day. I've thrown off the nightmares, oriented to time and space, done a life review of all the me's I've ever been and am likely wearing remnants of each. I've got the childhood bracelet, the suit pants from my office jobs in my thirties, the slouchy sneakers from the teen years, the college t shirt over a lace blouse like my grandmother wore, the mom era jean blazer. I've got all of me.
If I just throw on sweatpants, I'm ripe for an emotional flashback, easy pickings for anyone who wants to ignore or disrespect me, set up to fail when I run into the school principal or a client, and skulking around trying to be invisible.
Better to show up as All of me.