Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 03:40:00 PM And yes, I do have a therapist although I wouldn't call it "active in therapy". Thank God I have her, because she does DBR and a lot of people who really need it have no access.
But I almost exclusively use her for DBR therapy rather than guidance. I don't feel like I need to see her because I'm sure I already know how that conversation would go. "Doc, it hurts when I do this". "Then stop doing that".
And I would stop or at least give it a rest for a while, but I can't.
There's no off switch.
But I almost exclusively use her for DBR therapy rather than guidance. I don't feel like I need to see her because I'm sure I already know how that conversation would go. "Doc, it hurts when I do this". "Then stop doing that".
And I would stop or at least give it a rest for a while, but I can't.
There's no off switch.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 21, 2026, 03:09:49 PMwhat a lovely sentiment, hannah1 - i'm allowed to be me. haven't heard much of that thru the years, so it's always welcome and kind of exciting, too. thank you, 
off to the pharmacy and grocery store. my D's first day out in 2 weeks. whew! it's been a long haul, lots of stuff, and i can't wait to have a day where there is nothing pressing to do for an entire day.
off to the pharmacy and grocery store. my D's first day out in 2 weeks. whew! it's been a long haul, lots of stuff, and i can't wait to have a day where there is nothing pressing to do for an entire day.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 02:52:47 PMDolly,
"Can you say more about this?"
Sure. What I mean to say is that I'm talking about my experience from a very "nuts and bolts" perspective while others are talking on other levels. I've decided that all the other problems stem from the lost/ confused memories. If I can just stitch my memories back together into some semblance of order, all the other problems will fix themselves.
" basic fault, which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core *snip* It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me?"
Of course, but this doesn't fit me. If anything, it demonstrates the opposite. All of 5 of us kids were impacted and I'm one of the only two ho survived it intact. I don't blame myself for any of it. I was just a kid and it's all the fault of the grownups, my mother specifically. Even the blame for all the other bad actors comes back to her because she should never have allowed them to be around her kids. It's not my fault, it's HER fault. She was an unfit mother, no doubt about it. But she's dead and I'm the one left to clean up the mess.
"Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?"
No. It's an effort to restore my fractured self identity and repair the damage. Or at least cobble myself back to some fashion of working order. If I can work out my history, then I can understand who I am. If I can do that, then I won't have most of the other issues or at least can tackle them head- on.
It all starts with my history though. So I focus relentlessly on establishing that.
In addition, there's my baby sister to consider. She's seeking the same clarity that I am. Being younger and deaf, she has even less clarity than I do. She relies on me to help her fill her gaps. There's nobody else left.
So even if I didn't feel the compulsion to do this for my own sake, I'd still feel driven to do it for hers.
Best,
-Slashy
"Can you say more about this?"
Sure. What I mean to say is that I'm talking about my experience from a very "nuts and bolts" perspective while others are talking on other levels. I've decided that all the other problems stem from the lost/ confused memories. If I can just stitch my memories back together into some semblance of order, all the other problems will fix themselves.
" basic fault, which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core *snip* It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me?"
Of course, but this doesn't fit me. If anything, it demonstrates the opposite. All of 5 of us kids were impacted and I'm one of the only two ho survived it intact. I don't blame myself for any of it. I was just a kid and it's all the fault of the grownups, my mother specifically. Even the blame for all the other bad actors comes back to her because she should never have allowed them to be around her kids. It's not my fault, it's HER fault. She was an unfit mother, no doubt about it. But she's dead and I'm the one left to clean up the mess.
"Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?"
No. It's an effort to restore my fractured self identity and repair the damage. Or at least cobble myself back to some fashion of working order. If I can work out my history, then I can understand who I am. If I can do that, then I won't have most of the other issues or at least can tackle them head- on.
It all starts with my history though. So I focus relentlessly on establishing that.
In addition, there's my baby sister to consider. She's seeking the same clarity that I am. Being younger and deaf, she has even less clarity than I do. She relies on me to help her fill her gaps. There's nobody else left.
So even if I didn't feel the compulsion to do this for my own sake, I'd still feel driven to do it for hers.
Best,
-Slashy
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by HannahOne - February 21, 2026, 02:39:31 PMNK, Whether the other shoe drops or not, you still did what you needed to do in the conversation with H! And that's something to celebrate! In the moment you were able to ask for what you need and reject what did not work. Wow!!! 
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 02:19:08 PMMan, I wish my dad was still alive today! 
I wish I could talk all of this over and gain some clarity. To share these memories from such early ages and maybe gain his perspective.
In all my years, I never knew him to be abusive. I spent periods with him and various step families, but I never felt like I fit in there.
But he died and nobody even told me until after his funeral. It wouldn't have made much difference anyway, I didn't know I had cPTSD back then, so I wasn't thinking about these topics. Wouldn't even have occurred to me to talk about that period in my life.
All those missed opportunities! I have nobody left to gain clarity. Everyone who knew any more than I remember is dead. I don't even have a photo album!
I wish I could talk all of this over and gain some clarity. To share these memories from such early ages and maybe gain his perspective.In all my years, I never knew him to be abusive. I spent periods with him and various step families, but I never felt like I fit in there.
But he died and nobody even told me until after his funeral. It wouldn't have made much difference anyway, I didn't know I had cPTSD back then, so I wasn't thinking about these topics. Wouldn't even have occurred to me to talk about that period in my life.
All those missed opportunities! I have nobody left to gain clarity. Everyone who knew any more than I remember is dead. I don't even have a photo album!
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by dollyvee - February 21, 2026, 02:18:43 PMQuote from: GoSlash27 on February 21, 2026, 01:35:20 PMBut instead of doing that, I'm focused on identifying and rectifying specific faults. "These are the specific failures I've identified that were caused by my trauma and the symptoms that led me to them". Again... It's a "me" problem and I'm sorry. It's very possible that I may be the only one talking about my experiences and frustrations on a "systems" level.
Hey Slashy,
Can you say more about this? I'm not going on the defensive here, but trying to explain why I talked about these specific therapies. When you experience things as a baby, or preverbally, your brain does what it needs to do to make sense of what happened at that time. I am also very much a rational thinker, mind over matter kind of person because that's what I had to do to survive ie figure it out. What I've learned, is that intellectualization and figuring it out is a survival strategy. When you are in your head, you're not in your body, which is likely protecting me from the things that I had to experience. So, these therapies for me, are very much about figuring out what is going on systemically with me. It's like using the head to find the body, piece by piece. If you want, have a look at the connection survival strategy in Healing Developmental Trauma, which talks more about intellectualization.
Also, I don't know if you're actively in therapy right now, but one of the things that my therapist tried to hammer into me (probably not the best phrasing) was that it wasn't my fault. There is/was nothing wrong with me. Children will do whatever they need to do in order to keep their attachment to a parent, which means that they will take the responsibility in order to stay close to that caregiver because that is what is going to keep them alive. I have also been learning about the "basic fault," which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core and was developed by Michael Balint:
proposes that early childhood, pre-verbal discrepancies between a child's needs and environmental care create a fundamental, lasting structural deficiency in the personality. This "fault" causes intense anxiety, primitive object relationships, and regressive, difficult-to-treat character disorders.
It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me? It's a story that young you had to tell yourself about what was going on. Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?
Sending you support,
dolly
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 21, 2026, 01:57:55 PMyay for progress, blueberry!!! i'm all for it. and, again, i was activated to do foot waggles before i got up and my door stretch, which hurts like a mutha, but sometimes, that's what it takes. so, thanks again for the motivation. and congrats to you for being able to let the duolingo thing go, knowing you made progress in other areas. love and hugs
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 01:56:51 PM NarcKiddo,
Thanks. Just to be clear, I'm not saying that any particular therapy sounds like bunk. "Inner child" actually resonates very deeply with me. I envision my own subconscious to be a badly abused and frightened child who has shut everything down out of self- preservation.
All I'm saying is that it feels alienating to be the only one talking about the subject from the "gruff auto mechanic with skinned knuckles" perspective. It's my own fault.
Best,
-Slashy
Thanks. Just to be clear, I'm not saying that any particular therapy sounds like bunk. "Inner child" actually resonates very deeply with me. I envision my own subconscious to be a badly abused and frightened child who has shut everything down out of self- preservation.
All I'm saying is that it feels alienating to be the only one talking about the subject from the "gruff auto mechanic with skinned knuckles" perspective. It's my own fault.
Best,
-Slashy
#89
Conferences/Courses / Re: Interoception & Trauma Sum...
Last post by Blueberry - February 21, 2026, 01:43:51 PMAdding a link: https://www.tracyjarvis.net/events
ETA: Tho when I follow that link including to register for the freebie on 27-28 February, I'm taken to a 3-month course that has already started and is of course not free.
ETA: Tho when I follow that link including to register for the freebie on 27-28 February, I'm taken to a 3-month course that has already started and is of course not free.
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 21, 2026, 01:38:27 PMQuote from: Blueberry on February 20, 2026, 01:14:51 AMAlso it feels new and scary (not so approved in FOO?) for me to be deducing answers from context or... This is actually an aspect of learning this particular language from Duolingo which I find good. Deduce the grammar rules thru your own work during the lessons, you're more likely to actually learn for keeps than if you read the rule. But I suppose that's my head plus what I taught myself professionally rather than any kind of past emotion from an IC
FOO was big on deducing answers, but not so big on my doing so. They were more keen on putting me down for being 'stupid'. So I suppose it could feel scary for a Part or two if I'm able to deduce now? Tightening in chest + hollow feeling while writing that down. Exhale, big sigh.
To state the obvious, it's more important for me to work with these IC topics coming up than to forge ahead with the duolingo. Even if I'm high up the weekly chart rn and that does feel good. Keeping going regularly with a task i.e. practising is a goal, but equally important to find out what kind of hurdles are in the way. Grrr. Don't want hurdles, was glad there were so few, glad to get so far w/o encountering many but now they're coming and otoh that's like a 'gift' because now I'm not in the dark so much anymore about why activating myself can be so difficult. On the cusp of big progress, probably.
I remember too though what I learnt way way back in therapy: stop and compare now and the past. Now: doing my duolingo I noticed that my ear for what's right or wrong in particular instances is really quite good. So I note that! And rn I even tell some Inners and one turns up to listen and she's very happy, overjoyed, and that activates her physically! To dance and throw her arms in the air and spin around in circles. Move spontaneously.
The past: The opposite. Depression. Half-frozen or all frozen. Despondent.
Today I didn't even finish the lesson because I lost my 5 points making mistakes, but it doesn't matter because I made progress anyway. Other progress - language-wise and emotional progress.