Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 17, 2026, 02:53:26 PMQuote from: HannahOne on February 17, 2026, 04:32:14 AMI find boundaries, conflict very stressful, painful and even triggering. But maybe boundaries, taking a stand, NO are essential parts of being oneself, parts of me.
Same. Thank you for saying this because I need to hear it.
I'm sorry you are scared and sad and had a falling out with your therapist.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 17, 2026, 02:44:58 PMthank you all. too tender for replies atm. 
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 17, 2026, 02:19:38 PM
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Chart - February 17, 2026, 02:18:13 PM Sorry HannahOne, especially to hear there're waves with your T. Not the moment... or maybe because of all the storms?
Anyway you look at it it's rough.
Sending support and thoughts of survival. There's some serious understanding around here. Perhaps not perfect, but not for lack of commitment and love.
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Chart - February 17, 2026, 02:03:54 PM #86
Recovery Journals / On Trust and forgiveness (404 ...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 17, 2026, 12:53:23 PMThis part may be highly upsetting, so trigger warning...
At the end, my brother made several attempts to reach out to me to forge a new bond. I rejected all of them. He had been estranged by his own family (DV) and I was the last person left he could possibly have connected with... But no thanks.
He died alone in a dark apartment feeling unloved and unwanted, and he was probably correct.
I feel a little guilty about that but not so guilty that I wouldn't do it again. I'm mainly disappointed that he went to his grave with the answers to many questions I have now.
And he's not the only one I've treated so callously over the years.
Some will say "wow, that's really cold" and I won't dispute it. I say all that to illustrate how deep my sense of self protection runs.
So I'm not negating or minimizing anyone's quest for forgiveness or reconciliation. It's just that I cannot even remotely relate to such concepts. Most people don't get a first chance from me, let alone a second.
And I don't feel the slightest temptation to change that. It's what's kept me safe and un-victimized all these decades. Perhaps I "should" feel less complete because of this, but I don't.
Anyway... I saw others talking about this struggle and wanted to chime in without derailing their threads.
Best,
-Slashy
At the end, my brother made several attempts to reach out to me to forge a new bond. I rejected all of them. He had been estranged by his own family (DV) and I was the last person left he could possibly have connected with... But no thanks.
He died alone in a dark apartment feeling unloved and unwanted, and he was probably correct.
I feel a little guilty about that but not so guilty that I wouldn't do it again. I'm mainly disappointed that he went to his grave with the answers to many questions I have now.
And he's not the only one I've treated so callously over the years.
Some will say "wow, that's really cold" and I won't dispute it. I say all that to illustrate how deep my sense of self protection runs.
So I'm not negating or minimizing anyone's quest for forgiveness or reconciliation. It's just that I cannot even remotely relate to such concepts. Most people don't get a first chance from me, let alone a second.
And I don't feel the slightest temptation to change that. It's what's kept me safe and un-victimized all these decades. Perhaps I "should" feel less complete because of this, but I don't.
Anyway... I saw others talking about this struggle and wanted to chime in without derailing their threads.
Best,
-Slashy
#87
Self-Help & Recovery / Re: Tough Time
Last post by dollyvee - February 17, 2026, 11:56:40 AMHey Mamatus,
I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote and am hearing what you're saying.
It's a difficult journey to embark on the stuff you're doing right now, and over time as you peel back the layers, you will learn different ways of coping with the things that are coming up. Not that it makes it any less easy.
Sending you support,
dolly
I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote and am hearing what you're saying.
It's a difficult journey to embark on the stuff you're doing right now, and over time as you peel back the layers, you will learn different ways of coping with the things that are coming up. Not that it makes it any less easy.
Sending you support,
dolly
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 17, 2026, 11:49:27 AMThis is a huge and hard thing to process. I'm glad you felt able to start doing so with this new T. I don't have children so I have no experience of any of that. But I do have experience of a mother who did not love me, despite what she claimed. And I can tell you categorically that I have never once felt safe with her.
I am sorry you are having to grieve and I wish you strength and as much peace as you can find during this process.
I am sorry you are having to grieve and I wish you strength and as much peace as you can find during this process.
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - February 17, 2026, 11:25:35 AMThe grief is so real. It's ok to feel what you feel and know what you know.
I'm so sorry you are grieving. And, grief can be healing. It just hurts while it's happening.
It's so sad that you couldn't feel your attachment to them. Yet they were attached to your hip, so it seems they felt attached as it's through the physical care that babies attach. They don't know what the parent feels. They only know what they feel---safe on mom's hip. That doesn't change that you could not feel it, how you wanted to feel. At the time it seems you couldn't feel what you DID feel---fierce love, devotion to carry them as much as possible, and physical attachment. And it makes sense that you couldn't feel that at the time as it would have brought up your childhood wounds, at a time when you needed to be a parent. You did what you had to do, not feel, in order to parent your children. That's what fierce mother love does sometimes.
That you can know it and feel it now is painful, so painful. And also healing. I feel compassion for that younger you as a young mother, carrying for two babies while having been unmothered or poorly mothered herself. What a brave young mother, doing what mothers do for their children, carrying on.
I'm so sorry you are grieving. And, grief can be healing. It just hurts while it's happening.
It's so sad that you couldn't feel your attachment to them. Yet they were attached to your hip, so it seems they felt attached as it's through the physical care that babies attach. They don't know what the parent feels. They only know what they feel---safe on mom's hip. That doesn't change that you could not feel it, how you wanted to feel. At the time it seems you couldn't feel what you DID feel---fierce love, devotion to carry them as much as possible, and physical attachment. And it makes sense that you couldn't feel that at the time as it would have brought up your childhood wounds, at a time when you needed to be a parent. You did what you had to do, not feel, in order to parent your children. That's what fierce mother love does sometimes.
That you can know it and feel it now is painful, so painful. And also healing. I feel compassion for that younger you as a young mother, carrying for two babies while having been unmothered or poorly mothered herself. What a brave young mother, doing what mothers do for their children, carrying on.
#90
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by dollyvee - February 17, 2026, 10:35:12 AMHey Teddy Bear,
I've had a life long issue with body image and weight despite being, at times, in probably the under weight category. My FOO had a lot of ideas about body image and shamed me a lot as a child for being a normal weight at the time.
Recently, I have been looking into scapegoating in families and found that a lot of scapegoated children can perpetuate the scapegoating dynamic on themselves through body image ie they carry the story the family told them that they are not doing something "right" if their body image doesn't live up to some imaginable standard for example.
I also know what it's like to have a condition and have weight gain as a result of that despite doing all the "right" things. It really, really sucks. I feel like most people look at you as (and this is probably the scapegoat story popping up here again) as it's something that you've done wrong.
So, once I moved countries where there is a high proportion of rental properties that contain black mold, and no recourse for landlords who don't address it, I started gaining weight despite eating relatively the same diet. I have "sensitive genetics" and this can lead to a whole host of issues from weight gain from mycotoxin exposure to MCAS. I spent 10 years trying to figure out what was going on, and came to a point where I was following a strict calorie (1800) and strength training regime and, more crucially, living in a mold free environment, that I lost some weight. Only to have it come back again, with a bunch of other issues, when I moved into an apartment that had mold behind the walls. So, genetics play a big part in how your body decides to do things, which is unique for everyone, including how people metabolize caffeine. What works for her might not work for you, and a gentle reminder may help her digest that (no pun intended).
Like you said, BMI is not an accurate measure of what is going on. Because I do so much strength training, I have to adjust the BMI calculator on my scale. To me, weight is also not an accurate predictor of how healthy you are, and I prefer body fat percentage instead. I think it gives you a more accurate description of a "healthy" build because you can be 120 pounds and still be 28% body fat for example. Weight gives no idea of how much lean muscle mass you have.
With all these factors in mind, it's helped manage some peoples' reactions to me and what I look like, and if they're just talking garbage. It's incredibly sad to me that as I've lost weight, peoples' reactions towards me have changed, but I'm still navigating that one. Like TBB said, having your body treated as a topic of conversation can be activating, and I've found that having more of a framework about what is/may be going on as well as what is actually healthy (and what can also be someone else's projection about their own issues) helps give you some more agency to deal with it.
Sending you support,
dolly
I've had a life long issue with body image and weight despite being, at times, in probably the under weight category. My FOO had a lot of ideas about body image and shamed me a lot as a child for being a normal weight at the time.
Recently, I have been looking into scapegoating in families and found that a lot of scapegoated children can perpetuate the scapegoating dynamic on themselves through body image ie they carry the story the family told them that they are not doing something "right" if their body image doesn't live up to some imaginable standard for example.
I also know what it's like to have a condition and have weight gain as a result of that despite doing all the "right" things. It really, really sucks. I feel like most people look at you as (and this is probably the scapegoat story popping up here again) as it's something that you've done wrong.
So, once I moved countries where there is a high proportion of rental properties that contain black mold, and no recourse for landlords who don't address it, I started gaining weight despite eating relatively the same diet. I have "sensitive genetics" and this can lead to a whole host of issues from weight gain from mycotoxin exposure to MCAS. I spent 10 years trying to figure out what was going on, and came to a point where I was following a strict calorie (1800) and strength training regime and, more crucially, living in a mold free environment, that I lost some weight. Only to have it come back again, with a bunch of other issues, when I moved into an apartment that had mold behind the walls. So, genetics play a big part in how your body decides to do things, which is unique for everyone, including how people metabolize caffeine. What works for her might not work for you, and a gentle reminder may help her digest that (no pun intended).
Like you said, BMI is not an accurate measure of what is going on. Because I do so much strength training, I have to adjust the BMI calculator on my scale. To me, weight is also not an accurate predictor of how healthy you are, and I prefer body fat percentage instead. I think it gives you a more accurate description of a "healthy" build because you can be 120 pounds and still be 28% body fat for example. Weight gives no idea of how much lean muscle mass you have.
With all these factors in mind, it's helped manage some peoples' reactions to me and what I look like, and if they're just talking garbage. It's incredibly sad to me that as I've lost weight, peoples' reactions towards me have changed, but I'm still navigating that one. Like TBB said, having your body treated as a topic of conversation can be activating, and I've found that having more of a framework about what is/may be going on as well as what is actually healthy (and what can also be someone else's projection about their own issues) helps give you some more agency to deal with it.
Sending you support,
dolly