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#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 27, 2025, 03:38:40 PMHi Ran,
I'm really glad you shared all of this. You're carrying an enormous amount: caregiving, identity stress, financial limits, the pressure from home, and trying to manage your own mental health. No wonder your system feels like it's in constant fight-or-flight. That's exactly what chronic relational trauma does, and nothing about your reactions is "too much" or wrong.
Your graphic design course sounds like a real bright spot. Having something that's yours, something creative, can make a huge difference. I've found something similar myself: I started creating images (using AI) to express feelings when words or analysis felt overwhelming. Focusing on them for hours sometimes helps calm my system. I'm glad you have something like that too.
What you shared about your identity, family expectations, and the lack of acceptance was very powerful. Living in a conservative environment, trying to find yourself while also being needed as a caregiver, that would stretch anyone past their limits.
And the job office situation makes complete sense. Sudden changes, substitutes, strict rules ... those things spike anxiety fast, especially when you're already overloaded. Asking your physician for accommodations is a really reasonable step. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as if you're doing something wrong.
I hope your GP listens when you talk about the depression, anxiety, CPTSD symptoms, and the burnout from caregiving. Having one steady, consistent person in your corner made a big difference for me - for me that's my therapist - and I hope you can get that kind of support too.
You're carrying so much, and you're still reaching out and trying. That says a lot about your strength. You're not alone here.
I'm really glad you shared all of this. You're carrying an enormous amount: caregiving, identity stress, financial limits, the pressure from home, and trying to manage your own mental health. No wonder your system feels like it's in constant fight-or-flight. That's exactly what chronic relational trauma does, and nothing about your reactions is "too much" or wrong.
Your graphic design course sounds like a real bright spot. Having something that's yours, something creative, can make a huge difference. I've found something similar myself: I started creating images (using AI) to express feelings when words or analysis felt overwhelming. Focusing on them for hours sometimes helps calm my system. I'm glad you have something like that too.
What you shared about your identity, family expectations, and the lack of acceptance was very powerful. Living in a conservative environment, trying to find yourself while also being needed as a caregiver, that would stretch anyone past their limits.
And the job office situation makes complete sense. Sudden changes, substitutes, strict rules ... those things spike anxiety fast, especially when you're already overloaded. Asking your physician for accommodations is a really reasonable step. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as if you're doing something wrong.
I hope your GP listens when you talk about the depression, anxiety, CPTSD symptoms, and the burnout from caregiving. Having one steady, consistent person in your corner made a big difference for me - for me that's my therapist - and I hope you can get that kind of support too.
You're carrying so much, and you're still reaching out and trying. That says a lot about your strength. You're not alone here.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 27, 2025, 03:30:53 PMhey, PC, i love those big hug emojis - i can feel those a lot more than the smaller ones, even tho i know a hug is a hug and coming from the heart. thank you for that. and thank you for the validation about the entangled emotions coming from different places over the years. what you described is just about right, i think. and, yeah, no wonder it's so hard to de-tangle, sort thru, address each one, resolve it, grieve what needs to be grieved, and finally feel some sort of resolution. whew! tired just writing about it!
i managed to do some EMDR on myself yesterday, flash technique, and i saw a big brick in my head. this corresponds to the 'brick' my D 'removed' energy-wise the night before. apparently it didn't stay removed. at any rate, so, i did my thing, and as it progressed, the brick began to crack, then a bigger crack, then it began to melt. i could notice it turn to liquid and run down my spinal cord. that's where i stopped.
after the fact, last nite i noticed no anxiety whatsoever. it was wonderful.
the main problem w/ doing this on myself is not being sure when to stop, when to continue. there is no T to help me navigate what's happening, manage what they might be noticing about me physically. i stopped when i did cuz i didn't want to push myself too hard, but i wasn't sure if i got rid of everything that was causing the anxiety. we'll see if it keep working. i may have to repeat.
i just realized that i don't know the cause of the anxiety - no thoughts or pictures came up, but i imagine that's not really important. if it was a faulty wiring job from my past, it may have simply needed to be re-wired, and that's what happened, and then the past becomes the past, not the present, and that's basically what i was going for, so i'm ok with that. besides, flash technique kinda sidesteps emotions - i have too hard a time dealing w/ emotions cuz of my alexithymia (several times during therapy, i felt an emotion for the first time and it wreaked havoc w/ my body, especially causing my legs not to work and me feeling sick-y for a week or 2, so this technique helps bypass all that).
i also burned some incense for a 'clearing out' effect. whether that helped or not, i don't know, but i liked doing it.
so, we'll see tonite if this sticks or not. fingers crossed!
i managed to do some EMDR on myself yesterday, flash technique, and i saw a big brick in my head. this corresponds to the 'brick' my D 'removed' energy-wise the night before. apparently it didn't stay removed. at any rate, so, i did my thing, and as it progressed, the brick began to crack, then a bigger crack, then it began to melt. i could notice it turn to liquid and run down my spinal cord. that's where i stopped.
after the fact, last nite i noticed no anxiety whatsoever. it was wonderful.
the main problem w/ doing this on myself is not being sure when to stop, when to continue. there is no T to help me navigate what's happening, manage what they might be noticing about me physically. i stopped when i did cuz i didn't want to push myself too hard, but i wasn't sure if i got rid of everything that was causing the anxiety. we'll see if it keep working. i may have to repeat.
i just realized that i don't know the cause of the anxiety - no thoughts or pictures came up, but i imagine that's not really important. if it was a faulty wiring job from my past, it may have simply needed to be re-wired, and that's what happened, and then the past becomes the past, not the present, and that's basically what i was going for, so i'm ok with that. besides, flash technique kinda sidesteps emotions - i have too hard a time dealing w/ emotions cuz of my alexithymia (several times during therapy, i felt an emotion for the first time and it wreaked havoc w/ my body, especially causing my legs not to work and me feeling sick-y for a week or 2, so this technique helps bypass all that).
i also burned some incense for a 'clearing out' effect. whether that helped or not, i don't know, but i liked doing it.
so, we'll see tonite if this sticks or not. fingers crossed!
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 27, 2025, 03:08:03 PMDF, i think not having enough time to recover from anything is one of our worst enemies. when the crapola gets piled on, one after another, no time in between to even breathe (or so it feels), i think that depletes us most of everything that can happen to us. we get inundated, overwhelmed, try to make sense of something, attempt to grieve (if there's even time for that) and suddenly 
we're lost, our system is shorting out, our brains can't work the way we want, our bodies do their thing and become out of whack, and on and on. we literally lose our way. i can feel those tears and they're trying their hardest to release, but we don't have time or energy.
in 'through the looking glass' the queen tells alice that to stay in one place she has to run as fast as she can, but to move forward, she has to run even faster. that's how this stuff feels to me, being expected to do the impossible.
my heart goes out to you. i have no doubt you'll make it thru this, but it's the going that's so rough. i'm by your side, tho - you're not alone. lean on me if it helps. love and hugs
we're lost, our system is shorting out, our brains can't work the way we want, our bodies do their thing and become out of whack, and on and on. we literally lose our way. i can feel those tears and they're trying their hardest to release, but we don't have time or energy.in 'through the looking glass' the queen tells alice that to stay in one place she has to run as fast as she can, but to move forward, she has to run even faster. that's how this stuff feels to me, being expected to do the impossible.
my heart goes out to you. i have no doubt you'll make it thru this, but it's the going that's so rough. i'm by your side, tho - you're not alone. lean on me if it helps. love and hugs
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 27, 2025, 02:58:09 PMPC, cheshire cat is one of my favorite characters in all of literature, and i remember that bit of advice - it's so true! altho i do plenty of 'worrying about tomorrow', it's always about little things, so to speak. i've been called a vagabond (among other things) cuz i've usually just gone w/ the flow. but that's my autistic bent, i imagine. i've never been a dreamer of what i'm shooting for next. i just get thru the journey, more or less.
i'm not very big on the holidays anymore, my D and i are going to prepare just a couple of our favorites (i'm making deviled eggs, she's making green bean casserole), and have no family, so to speak to gather 'round. she goes to her F's place tomorrow to have the holiday w/ him, and i stay home and grin and bear it.
my loss at the holidays is my D1, who i haven't heard from in 13 yrs. that's the hole in my heart.
i'm thankful for you and this forum and everyone here. love and hugs
i'm not very big on the holidays anymore, my D and i are going to prepare just a couple of our favorites (i'm making deviled eggs, she's making green bean casserole), and have no family, so to speak to gather 'round. she goes to her F's place tomorrow to have the holiday w/ him, and i stay home and grin and bear it.
my loss at the holidays is my D1, who i haven't heard from in 13 yrs. that's the hole in my heart.
i'm thankful for you and this forum and everyone here. love and hugs
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Chart - November 27, 2025, 02:09:07 PMQuote from: Desert Flower on November 27, 2025, 08:08:47 AMI am so tired. I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to keep this up at the moment. I'm hair triggered. I feel depleted. I really just wanna hybernate. I've been looking into why this is, because last summer, I was doing a lot better. But looking back at my schedule of the past months revealed that I have been working very very very hard indeed to get everything done 'the way it should' and doing it then instead of later because 'I had to'. Lots of extra training sessions at work, lots of unexpected stuff I 've had to take care of relating to my mothers estate, an extra guinea pig that needed night feeding and surgery, having a very scary hospital appointment myself, all of which caused EF's that I've had not enough time to recover from. And too little time to do all of my meditations or yoga or time alone to reset the nervous system like I need.Oh boy, DF, do I relate to your last post. Today is Thursday, I've been at home since last Friday doing ZERO work (zero work that brings in money). I'm worried, stressed with upcoming Christmas... BUT REFUSING TO JUDGE MYSELF.
It's not easy... at all, to put it mildly...
Here's my theory: The organism as a "budget". The brain manages this budget. It's about resources and energy. Every 24-hour cycle decisions have to be made about "where" energy/work is going to be channeled. There are the fixed functions like breathing, heart-beating, functions that keep me alive. These are non-conditional. But just like a businesses profit margin, there remains after all the necessaries a quantity of energy that is "left-over" for "other things". For two years now, my conscious brain has been working on improving my Cptsd symptoms. And me too, I am actually feeling ever so slightly better. But I think my brain is putting a huge amount of work into neural re-organisation. And I'm pretty confident this is a BIG energy drain. Carl Jung talks about this a little too, he suggests that if you are exhausted, sleeping all the time, can't be bothered to do things that for years, decades, you were dedicated, he says that this is a very good sign. It's indicative of change in the mind, body and spirit. It rides often on the deeply sub-conscious level, and thus is hard to identify rationally. But if we read the signs of our exhaustion as evolution and the effort that is being done by the brain, then it's all good. Change is happening. My last EF put me in bed for a week, literally flat. Since I've been respecting my need for rest as much as humanly possible. Certain things I HAVE to do, but otherwise, if I can rest, I listen to my soul/body. I maintain certain habits, and apply "light" pressure to aspects of my life that I know are conducive to change. But I absolutely am FORCING myself to rest and NOT feel guilt about it. I rather see it as a situation where the Universe is giving me a period of time of preparation for what is coming. I've noticed that about one day out of every two weeks, I'll be "filled" with energy. I always stop and take stock of that feeling, knowing full well it won't last, but appreciating to it's very maximum being given (if only briefly) a feeling of what it does feel like to be "normal". In the past I was always fooled into thinking it was permanent and I was "cured". But now I know better. It's just the template to which I am striving. The my brain can do, but not too frequently. But I don't care... I KNOW it's possible. So I keep at the work I'm doing. When I hate myself again, feel crushed, smashed... depression... I observe, I aknowledge, I allow myself to feel the Cptsd... and I breathe, knowing it's not ALWAYS like this, and it WILL get less and less with the passage of time and my continued work. I'm gonna fight Cptsd up to my last frickin' breath. I don't believe I'll ever get rid of it 100%, but I WILL become it's master before the end. (I'm setting myself up for a really fantastic re-incarnation :-)
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - November 27, 2025, 12:47:22 PMI don't deal with changes well. The job office person has a substitute and I got sick. They require a doctors note, if I miss a meeting time. I have gp scheduled before next meeting, but I hate being treated like I don't know a problem for society or like a kid who needs to be kept an eye on. They don't notify you of the substitute and it creates me
anxiety. My previous consultant at least knew about my limitations. Maybe I will let my gp write me a note of needed accomodations, like getting phone appointments. I will tell my gp about the depression, anxiety and cptsd stuff and about how I've been in contact with helpline too.
anxiety. My previous consultant at least knew about my limitations. Maybe I will let my gp write me a note of needed accomodations, like getting phone appointments. I will tell my gp about the depression, anxiety and cptsd stuff and about how I've been in contact with helpline too.
#87
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New & (a little) Nervous
Last post by Ran - November 27, 2025, 12:38:44 PMWelcome. My dad don't believe in mental illness either. I actually started at first going to therapy in secret over identity troubles and was diagnosed with different things one of them being depression with anxiety, but I want to get official cptsd
diagnosis as I struggle with many things people here in the forum write about and seeing that helps me feel less alone and I hope it helps you too.
diagnosis as I struggle with many things people here in the forum write about and seeing that helps me feel less alone and I hope it helps you too.
#88
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member
Last post by Ran - November 27, 2025, 12:32:14 PMWelcome. I'm sorry you went through that and others are right it's not a small thing. It's huge trauma. Hugs your way if needed.
#89
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Definitely still out in th...
Last post by Ran - November 27, 2025, 12:25:42 PMI wanted to respond before, but welcome. I'm new here too. I could relate to alot you wrote as well. I'm 34 myself and only recent years it all has shown effect. I hope to get the very much needed therapy myself.
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - November 27, 2025, 08:44:08 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on November 27, 2025, 03:04:53 AMRan, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
Thank you TheBigBlue. Your words have been comforting to read. I want to participate more in the forum itself, but when down like this, then I don't think I can be very reliable with what I say, but I'll try. I'm still trying to grasp everything of how the forum is like, but I'll get it eventually.
My graphic design course offers me some distraction and fun, so that's good I think. He also asked about mental health stuff, because I've been in bad place for few years and about if it's related to sexuality and I said:it started with around the time I had my identity crisis. I was in huge distress. I was scared I'd be disowned and exiled. It was all very vague and I didn't know half back then about gender or sexuality. Those things are so hush hush, where I'm from as city I live in is very conservative. Not everyone within my family are accepting of everything, but I don't care about it anymore as I know they need me and I still need them. It's kinda being codependent on each other what isn't healthy, but for me at least right now as I'm not financially capable of getting my own place, then it's the only solution right now. My dad can be controlling and toxic and don't believe in mental health and is in denial about my sexuality, but needs me for caregiving. I don't think he himself acknowledges it all. I did burnout due to caregiving fatigue. I took academic leave from university too, because everything just got too much the load for me was tremmendous.
If you know that Disney movie Encanto, then I feel just like Luisa did, when she was singing the song called surface pressure, like all the bricks are on her/my shoulders. I feel that entire tension on me all the time, not to mention being on fight or flight 24/7 like someone in a war constantly. I have accepted myself now more or less. Previously I went around in circles. I guess trauma blurred my true feelings. I like to think of my sexuality that I just like everyone. There is no need to put myself into restriction like a label, even though for descriptive purpose I say that I am a bisexual, when at first that label gave me ton of uncomfortableness.