Recent posts
#81
Conferences/Courses / Re: FREE, Decode your trauma, ...
Last post by Blueberry - January 09, 2026, 11:58:50 PMQuote from: Chart on January 06, 2026, 06:39:23 AMThe second were the core needs of children: Love, Safety and Boundaries. It was very good for me to hear this explicitly.
Yes, I've heard this before from Alex Howard, and it's huge for me. In fact, I've taken notes on it before, here they are: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?msg=139726
This time it struck me too how A.H. says that our emotional needs are just as important as physical needs, like oxygen I think was his example.
A.H. emphasises how not receiving these needs as children doesn't mean we have to be without them for life since as adults we can learn to give ourselves these things, but he does say one of the consequences of not being taught boundaries is we don't learn boundaries towards ourselves (or other people of course.) In therapy I've mostly worked on boundaries towards other people, at least consciously. When we don't learn boundaries towards ourselves, it's a lot harder to say "Yes" to ourselves in the sense of nudging ourselves to do what is good and healthy for ourselves. This speaks a lot to me because I have trouble following through, especially doing things regularly.
Quote from: Chart on January 06, 2026, 06:39:23 AMI listened to tye replay last night. Kinda unenthusiastic at the beginning, but I did get two ideas out of the whole thing that I find very valuable.Well yes, now that these types of things are run as a live Zoom the first minutes are usually spent listing all the countries or cities people are from, a bit of a waste of time to my mind. Plus he might just not be your type of speaker.
His main point is I think that you can heal and in his opinion the best way to do that is by settling your nervous system down, by meditating or similar daily. I think you are doing that anyway, Chart. Me, not so much. Going back to: it's hard for me to follow through and do things regularly. I tend to jump all over the place, which in A.H.'s scheme of things is being in a tired or wired state, which is Fight or Flight a stage between Shutdown and Safe-and-Social. Safe and Social is the state we should be trying to get our nervous system into more regularly because this is where we can heal from. From his descriptions, I would say that at least during part of my zoom group, I'm in Safe and Social. I suppose I need to look for more of that in my day-to-day. It's kind of complicated though. Somebody with (presumably) cptsd asked about what happens when things are a bit more complex, like you start trying to process some old emotion and that kicks up anxiety and then something else rears its ugly head and then how do you know what to work on... A.H. said - practise more meditation and thru that become more able to connect to your body etc etc
Many roads lead to Rome. Last summer when I was at a healing retreat with trauma-trained therapists, I realised that the exercises they put us through in a group were achieving what people with cptsd attribute to taking whatever drug it is you can now be prescribed (Ketamine?) and then all of us were able to process some of our trauma or anxiety or whatever everybody had. I think that what we were achieving was what A.H. wants us to achieve through regular meditation.
Decode your trauma: Trauma seems to mean something different to A.H. than it might to us. He seemed to imply that there's trauma and then there's ptsd, and then presumably cptsd. I don't know
I assumed that if you 'have trauma' to the degree that your nervous system is consistently dysregulated, then you're likely to have ptsd or cptsd. Two years ago, I actually signed up for A.H.'s 12 week course on Regulating your dysregulated nervous system and pulled through daily meditation plus the listenings plus homework exercises and then I suddenly stopped. I managed to re-start months later, then stopped again. Yesterday I re-started, but haven't done anything today. Fortunately you get life-time access! I have noticed this before - I have trouble following through, some of which may be because I do have trouble sitting 'in' my body, with myself. It's easier to distract myself, part of which I do by intellectualising, which is something A.H. mentions too.
Anyway, enough on that. Might help somebody else, might not.
#82
Frustrated? Set Backs? / stuck in a loop
Last post by asdis - January 09, 2026, 11:35:51 PMWe're trying. Really, really trying. We're doing our best to care for our physical health and basic needs. We're doing our best to keep a recovery mindset and not be discouraged by things. Every new/old symptom that pops up we just keep moving. Try to cope, or at least try not to dissociate endlessly. But there are never any real breaks. No one knows how to help us.
We're stuck in a loop where taking care of anything results in a flare up of some kind. Doing good with our basic needs? Pain flare. Got our pain to a tolerable level? Anxiety flare. Try to focus on the big issues? All the little issues become a thousand times louder. Find something to eat that we actually want? Eat it so much we stop enjoying it. Doing okay with not thinking too much about foods we want but can't eat? Bombarded by ads for them. Finally starting to understand what hunger feels like? Anything with nutritional value that we can eat makes us not want to eat. Managed to clean organize the house to a reasonable place? It only lasts as long as our body can keep up with doing it daily.
We stopped seeing our dietician and one of our therapists in early december because every session became "I know you're trying. I know it sucks. But you have to be patient. You have to keep trying. Maybe if you buy a million gadgets and overpriced 'allergy-friendly' foods you'll pavlov yourself into doing better. Maybe if you eat this thing you hate enough you'll start to like it. Maybe if you stop worrying about money you'll eat better. I know you're worried about not being able to afford the safe stuff, but have you tried buying it anyway? Maybe, maybe, maybe. You should track your meals, or your macros, or take pictures of what you eat. I know those things are triggering but have you considered doing them? Maybe if you move even when your back/leg gives out you'll get used to it."
We've been in this cycle for so long. No one stops to consider how it feels for us to not only be in it but to be asking for help with it. No one seems to consider the fact that simply being allergic to something doesn't stop us from still enjoying it, and no one seems to consider how much harder trying to recover from disordered eating is while being allergic to over half the food we enjoy. How much harder recovery is when our allergens cut out food groups and entire cuisines. Our main therapist does to an extent, but we don't talk about it much with her because she doesn't treat disordered eating.
We're trying a new dietician. We booked another session with our other therapist. We start pain management soon. We're doing everything we can to keep going and to keep getting better. We just don't know what to do or say at this point. Everyone goes down the same list of ideas/solutions for us. Everyone gets stumped by the way our issues interact with each other. No one seems to have anything new to say or suggest. "I'm trying" is always met with "try harder" but we can't. Whether it's allergies or pain everything that we love is being slowly stripped away. We've been watching it happen for the last 16 years. We've been stuck in this loop for so long. We're still trying. It's just getting harder.
We're stuck in a loop where taking care of anything results in a flare up of some kind. Doing good with our basic needs? Pain flare. Got our pain to a tolerable level? Anxiety flare. Try to focus on the big issues? All the little issues become a thousand times louder. Find something to eat that we actually want? Eat it so much we stop enjoying it. Doing okay with not thinking too much about foods we want but can't eat? Bombarded by ads for them. Finally starting to understand what hunger feels like? Anything with nutritional value that we can eat makes us not want to eat. Managed to clean organize the house to a reasonable place? It only lasts as long as our body can keep up with doing it daily.
We stopped seeing our dietician and one of our therapists in early december because every session became "I know you're trying. I know it sucks. But you have to be patient. You have to keep trying. Maybe if you buy a million gadgets and overpriced 'allergy-friendly' foods you'll pavlov yourself into doing better. Maybe if you eat this thing you hate enough you'll start to like it. Maybe if you stop worrying about money you'll eat better. I know you're worried about not being able to afford the safe stuff, but have you tried buying it anyway? Maybe, maybe, maybe. You should track your meals, or your macros, or take pictures of what you eat. I know those things are triggering but have you considered doing them? Maybe if you move even when your back/leg gives out you'll get used to it."
We've been in this cycle for so long. No one stops to consider how it feels for us to not only be in it but to be asking for help with it. No one seems to consider the fact that simply being allergic to something doesn't stop us from still enjoying it, and no one seems to consider how much harder trying to recover from disordered eating is while being allergic to over half the food we enjoy. How much harder recovery is when our allergens cut out food groups and entire cuisines. Our main therapist does to an extent, but we don't talk about it much with her because she doesn't treat disordered eating.
We're trying a new dietician. We booked another session with our other therapist. We start pain management soon. We're doing everything we can to keep going and to keep getting better. We just don't know what to do or say at this point. Everyone goes down the same list of ideas/solutions for us. Everyone gets stumped by the way our issues interact with each other. No one seems to have anything new to say or suggest. "I'm trying" is always met with "try harder" but we can't. Whether it's allergies or pain everything that we love is being slowly stripped away. We've been watching it happen for the last 16 years. We've been stuck in this loop for so long. We're still trying. It's just getting harder.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 09, 2026, 07:36:23 PMJust want to get a quick note in. I've been reading some of your journals, but I seem to be unable or unwilling to respond somehow, I apologise.
I was supposed to have started work again this week, after the holidays. But the problem is I don't know 'where I am' so to speak, how much I should be doing or not, and I don't trust my own judgement anymore to keep taking care of myself in the process. I'm afraid that as I go along, I will again 'forget' that I cannot keep on going relentlessly and that at some point I will start ignoring the signs that I'm not well and 'forget' taking care of all of me. That the keep-on-going part of me -that just wants to be 'normal' and forget there's something 'wrong' with me - will take over again.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much probably. And I'm not very active. Although I do do my yoga, that's helpful. And took a long walk through the snow (I'm afraid to drive through snow). And internal triggers are still happening. I'm not very stable.
I've been thinking and reading about parts and dissociation. It feels like a relief all my parts are now allowed to be here. That makes me calmer. But it makes me hesitant which part to listen to when deciding to undertake any activity or not. I am inclined to listen to the scared part at the moment, because it was ignored so much towards the end of last year. But this results in me not undertaking much.
I'm waiting for the proper mental health care to start. Today, I got a call from the mental health care facility saying my insurance only covers a short trajectory. And I think I will be needing therapy for a longer period of time. And they said that I should call the insurance company and ask permission for a longer duration of therapy. So I did. And then this woman unexpectedly asked me to explain in five minutes why I thought I needed it. This was very stressful. Luckily, I had already made the resolution to not downplay any of my symptoms, like the keep-on-going part can do so well. So I hope I did alright. They will let me know next week hopefully. In the meantime, I signed up for the short term therapy, just to be sure I'll have that at least and I should be having an intake for that in about two weeks.
In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do with myself really. Part of me is ashamed I'm not doing much and another part of my thinks it's okay, I may take my time and not take any risks. My English is rusty too, apologies.
I was supposed to have started work again this week, after the holidays. But the problem is I don't know 'where I am' so to speak, how much I should be doing or not, and I don't trust my own judgement anymore to keep taking care of myself in the process. I'm afraid that as I go along, I will again 'forget' that I cannot keep on going relentlessly and that at some point I will start ignoring the signs that I'm not well and 'forget' taking care of all of me. That the keep-on-going part of me -that just wants to be 'normal' and forget there's something 'wrong' with me - will take over again.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much probably. And I'm not very active. Although I do do my yoga, that's helpful. And took a long walk through the snow (I'm afraid to drive through snow). And internal triggers are still happening. I'm not very stable.
I've been thinking and reading about parts and dissociation. It feels like a relief all my parts are now allowed to be here. That makes me calmer. But it makes me hesitant which part to listen to when deciding to undertake any activity or not. I am inclined to listen to the scared part at the moment, because it was ignored so much towards the end of last year. But this results in me not undertaking much.
I'm waiting for the proper mental health care to start. Today, I got a call from the mental health care facility saying my insurance only covers a short trajectory. And I think I will be needing therapy for a longer period of time. And they said that I should call the insurance company and ask permission for a longer duration of therapy. So I did. And then this woman unexpectedly asked me to explain in five minutes why I thought I needed it. This was very stressful. Luckily, I had already made the resolution to not downplay any of my symptoms, like the keep-on-going part can do so well. So I hope I did alright. They will let me know next week hopefully. In the meantime, I signed up for the short term therapy, just to be sure I'll have that at least and I should be having an intake for that in about two weeks.
In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do with myself really. Part of me is ashamed I'm not doing much and another part of my thinks it's okay, I may take my time and not take any risks. My English is rusty too, apologies.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 09, 2026, 07:17:01 PMGosh. Thank you so much everyone. I very much appreciate your support! 
I'm struck by what didn't even exist as an option in my mind. Namely to stop seeing that friend. I wasn't wrestling with the thought, nor was I hoping for her to change. It didn't even occur to me that I didn't have to see her. Even though I often was angry with her after she'd said something to sneakily undermine my self esteem, I didn't question the friendship itself. It was as it was and I dealt with that. Needs, preferences, boundaries, or the validity of those, were far from clear to me. I just got overwhelmed, ashamed, frustrated. And that's how it was. I didn't know that life could be different. Let alone that I deserve to be treated with respect always and by everyone. Where self esteem lives in others, toxic shame lived in me. She exploited that. That's disgusting.
It was a lot easier for me to stop seeing my dad at seventeen. I went through a lot of cycles of hope and disappointment with him. When I finally understood he'd never care about me, it became obvious an unavoidable to cut ties. Not so with this friend. It was a lot more ambivalent. This is where I struggle more. It's as though I need a pile of evidence right in front of me to feel like I have the right to be assertive. So when it's way too late to hold up healthy boundaries. I give people way too much space to be a-holes. I kinda noticed, but kinda didn't at the same time. I didn't notice it to the degree I had low self esteem. That itself is a lens through which we perceive the behavior of others, and underpin what we are and aren't allowed to do or say. It all happens in a fraction of a second. The distorted filter is pretty robust and hidden in plain sight.
I survived these nasty behaviors by fawning, basically. It's interesting that I generally did well standing my ground in discussions with her. Despite the anxiety this came with. I had less trouble taking a certain position about a topic, than standing up for myself. She couldn't handle me disagreeing with her, so at a certain point she'd often start to shame or subtly humiliate me in some way or another. It worked well. Again, the fact that it never crossed my mind that I didn't have to put myself in that position over and over is striking to me now. It's not that I didn't notice her behavior. I just didn't notice it through an adult lens. Age-regressed me has a lot less options to deal with challenging situations.
I have another "friend" whom I actually got into an argument with on the phone. About a year ago. He's more straight up narc, and I just had had it with him when he started saying some really hurtful things. If he ever calls me again, I'm going to pick up the phone, tell him I don't want him to contact me again and that I'm sick and tired of his narcissism, and hang up. Part of me is really looking forward to that moment. Resentment sucks. I'm not proud of letting things come to this point. I'm happy though, that I'm not putting up with these people anymore. They don't deserve my time, attention, and care, and I don't want to hang out with people who disrespect me.
TheBigBlue
A warm welcome to you. I very much appreciate your presence here on the forum!
I'm struck by what didn't even exist as an option in my mind. Namely to stop seeing that friend. I wasn't wrestling with the thought, nor was I hoping for her to change. It didn't even occur to me that I didn't have to see her. Even though I often was angry with her after she'd said something to sneakily undermine my self esteem, I didn't question the friendship itself. It was as it was and I dealt with that. Needs, preferences, boundaries, or the validity of those, were far from clear to me. I just got overwhelmed, ashamed, frustrated. And that's how it was. I didn't know that life could be different. Let alone that I deserve to be treated with respect always and by everyone. Where self esteem lives in others, toxic shame lived in me. She exploited that. That's disgusting.
It was a lot easier for me to stop seeing my dad at seventeen. I went through a lot of cycles of hope and disappointment with him. When I finally understood he'd never care about me, it became obvious an unavoidable to cut ties. Not so with this friend. It was a lot more ambivalent. This is where I struggle more. It's as though I need a pile of evidence right in front of me to feel like I have the right to be assertive. So when it's way too late to hold up healthy boundaries. I give people way too much space to be a-holes. I kinda noticed, but kinda didn't at the same time. I didn't notice it to the degree I had low self esteem. That itself is a lens through which we perceive the behavior of others, and underpin what we are and aren't allowed to do or say. It all happens in a fraction of a second. The distorted filter is pretty robust and hidden in plain sight.
I survived these nasty behaviors by fawning, basically. It's interesting that I generally did well standing my ground in discussions with her. Despite the anxiety this came with. I had less trouble taking a certain position about a topic, than standing up for myself. She couldn't handle me disagreeing with her, so at a certain point she'd often start to shame or subtly humiliate me in some way or another. It worked well. Again, the fact that it never crossed my mind that I didn't have to put myself in that position over and over is striking to me now. It's not that I didn't notice her behavior. I just didn't notice it through an adult lens. Age-regressed me has a lot less options to deal with challenging situations.
I have another "friend" whom I actually got into an argument with on the phone. About a year ago. He's more straight up narc, and I just had had it with him when he started saying some really hurtful things. If he ever calls me again, I'm going to pick up the phone, tell him I don't want him to contact me again and that I'm sick and tired of his narcissism, and hang up. Part of me is really looking forward to that moment. Resentment sucks. I'm not proud of letting things come to this point. I'm happy though, that I'm not putting up with these people anymore. They don't deserve my time, attention, and care, and I don't want to hang out with people who disrespect me.
TheBigBlue
A warm welcome to you. I very much appreciate your presence here on the forum!
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Steve M...Here We Go
Last post by Chart - January 09, 2026, 06:33:23 PMHello SteveM, nice to meet you! Your recent post has helped me realize the value of my own relationship with my sister. I've kinda always taken my sister for granted. We were terribly close when children, then grew apart over the decades as each of us went our separate ways (and dealing with our trauma in whatever manner we were able). But in the past two years I've come to more deeply appreciate the common experience shared with my sister regarding our trauma. And I'm happy to say that my sister came through our family trauma without turning her pain outward as so many narcissists do. I'm very glad you kept your balance with your sister but in the final moments affirmed your independence and autonomy. You kept a healthy relationship with your sister no matter what she tried to do to that relationship. Bravo! And your story has helped me appreciate my own sister even more. We have in the past few years grown closer, communicating more often. I am happy for that and hope for it to continue.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Chart
Thanks for sharing your story!
Chart
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Chart - January 09, 2026, 04:37:49 PMQuote from: TheBigBlue on January 09, 2026, 03:35:36 PMSometimes what we're really grieving isn't just the person, but the hope that this time it would be different.Wow, that really hit me hard... that describes so much of the pattern of childhood trauma/abandonment... that hope that the parent will change and start giving the thing that we need, or the reverse, realize how much they are harming us with their behavior... We carry that hope into adulthood and so many of the relationships we establish are just extensions of that primal trauma. TheBigBlue, I'm sorry for that betrayal you faced, you are worth so much more than that. We all are.
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 09, 2026, 03:35:36 PMQuote from: SenseOrgan on January 08, 2026, 07:33:05 PMThe bottom line is, that I'm done with her.
This resonated deeply with me. I've only known that I have CPTSD for less than a year, and one of the hardest parts has been realizing how much masking I did just to function in the world.
My therapist encouraged me to share a bit of my experience with a friend - because healing also needs safe relational experiences. So I did. I would have called her the only friend I had in the place I lived for the past 11 years. I had supported her for years, been a container for her struggles, listened and showed up.
But when I finally opened up, she couldn't meet me there. The responses were minimizing - things like "doesn't everybody feel like that?" - and after each one I felt more regret for having shared.
Eventually I had to let go of the hope that she would understand, or that the relationship was what I thought it was.
Reading your post reminded me how painful - but also clarifying - that realization can be. Sometimes what we're really grieving isn't just the person, but the hope that this time it would be different.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 09, 2026, 03:15:09 PMchart, i'm sending you a gentle, warm hug to soothe and comfort, a thousand band-aids for the 1000 cuts so they are covered and cared for while they heal, and wrapping you in the softest blanket for warmth and safety. sitting w/ you while you sip your tea, you're not alone. listening if you'd like to talk, silent if that works better. reading to you from a favorite book. my heart goes out to you. love and hugs
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 09, 2026, 03:04:51 PMi'm with everyone else here as well, SO. i've had relationships last decades as well, before i knew enough to let them go, including marriages! we just don't know what we don't know. i'm glad for you that you can recognize it for what it is/was now and let it be. for me, one of the challenges was, after a period of time, 'maybe they've changed'. and i'd want to jump back in. it never worked. one friend of mine, even after 2 yrs. of therapy, wanted to mend fences w/ me, but from the 2 small emails she sent me, i could see not enough changes about her attitude toward me had taken place, and i said a firm 'no' and have had no contact since.
that doesn't mean i don't occasionally, even now, want to get back in touch w/ her, see if, yeah, it could be different, but i abruptly pull myself back. so far so good. and i hope the same for you. love and hugs
that doesn't mean i don't occasionally, even now, want to get back in touch w/ her, see if, yeah, it could be different, but i abruptly pull myself back. so far so good. and i hope the same for you. love and hugs
#90
Letters of Recovery / To my sub-conscious
Last post by Chart - January 09, 2026, 02:36:21 PMDear Prefrontal Cortex,
I am struggling and searching to understand your relationship with "our" sub-conscious. Popular perception and running belief indicates that despite taking up nearly 100% of our conscious thinking, you in reality only represent a small percentage of our actual brain activity. I equate this situation as being similar to my trying to influence international politics... by visiting the vegetable garden of one my local council members of the relatively small town in which I live... and even! I doubt I have even THAT much perception or influence over my sub-conscious.
And so therein lies the rub of my frustration and the purpose of this letter... I should like a little more "help" from our sub-conscious regarding the current state of affairs of which we find ourselves.
To be plain: Would it not be possible that our sub-conscious starts communicating with us in an ever so slightly more clear and explicit manner? As opposed to releasing gas-bubbles of sadness, futility, uselessness and depression, to slowly waft and rise at their leisure into the domain of consciousness, couldn't we rather somehow "meet half-way" so as to...
1) Get the messages FASTER and CLEARER!
2) Have a better idea of to what these "feelings" are actually linked!
3) Perhaps give an advance-warning of the Potency of the upcoming "state of feeling" that is potentially subsequently going to shut us down like a blizzard locks-down sunny vacation spots in the south, totally unprepared for snow...
I would be doing you a disservice, my dearest Sub-Conscious, by NOT iforming you that I'm getting a little pissed off... It's as if you are subtle... subtle... subtle... and THEN you drop a forty-ton ocean-going steamliner on my sorry excuse for a corpse... What On Earth Is Your PROGRAMM here?
Please? Seriously, I've had dysfunctional relationships with people in the past, but YOU take the cake of all of them. Let's cut the crap! I can take it! But just please give it to me straight!
Signed, an extremely fatigued mind-body...
I am struggling and searching to understand your relationship with "our" sub-conscious. Popular perception and running belief indicates that despite taking up nearly 100% of our conscious thinking, you in reality only represent a small percentage of our actual brain activity. I equate this situation as being similar to my trying to influence international politics... by visiting the vegetable garden of one my local council members of the relatively small town in which I live... and even! I doubt I have even THAT much perception or influence over my sub-conscious.
And so therein lies the rub of my frustration and the purpose of this letter... I should like a little more "help" from our sub-conscious regarding the current state of affairs of which we find ourselves.
To be plain: Would it not be possible that our sub-conscious starts communicating with us in an ever so slightly more clear and explicit manner? As opposed to releasing gas-bubbles of sadness, futility, uselessness and depression, to slowly waft and rise at their leisure into the domain of consciousness, couldn't we rather somehow "meet half-way" so as to...
1) Get the messages FASTER and CLEARER!
2) Have a better idea of to what these "feelings" are actually linked!
3) Perhaps give an advance-warning of the Potency of the upcoming "state of feeling" that is potentially subsequently going to shut us down like a blizzard locks-down sunny vacation spots in the south, totally unprepared for snow...
I would be doing you a disservice, my dearest Sub-Conscious, by NOT iforming you that I'm getting a little pissed off... It's as if you are subtle... subtle... subtle... and THEN you drop a forty-ton ocean-going steamliner on my sorry excuse for a corpse... What On Earth Is Your PROGRAMM here?
Please? Seriously, I've had dysfunctional relationships with people in the past, but YOU take the cake of all of them. Let's cut the crap! I can take it! But just please give it to me straight!
Signed, an extremely fatigued mind-body...