Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - January 27, 2026, 10:55:01 PMThrilled to read that you have a T for now! 
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 27, 2026, 10:23:35 PMYes, water (preferably sparkling) no ice. Nothing else really. 
#83
Depression / Impossible to feel strong posi...
Last post by pelicantown - January 27, 2026, 09:57:00 PM
I have a good, solid life. I'm married to someone I love and have a lovely day-to-day with. I have a dog. Work is stable (and I get to work from home!). I have time to do things I enjoy. But I could be traveling, eating the best food in the world, or hanging out with people I care about, and it seems like my happiness meter or positive emotions only get up to a certain point. It's almost like I can't fully feel them. I remember a time when I felt positive emotions strongly, but it's no longer like that. Any similar experiences? Solutions? Thoughts?
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 27, 2026, 09:49:16 PMI don't know guys. I dont know what to think or how to interpret it. I was shocked that I agreed to tea. Everything stopped for a second. Why did I agree to that, it was involuntary. It felt really bad to me because it was involuntary.
At the same time, I don't know what's pushing and what's just a conversation?
Rarely she pushes, if it's a medical thing I'm avoiding. I don't think she was pushing really... I think she was just conversing, and I interpreted it as a conflict I wanted to avoid.
I guess she is pushing a little, in wanting me to "take better care of myself." And plain water and oatmeal maybe seemed like prison food to her or something. I really only drink water. No ice. I grew up with only water.
And I am fortified in my position! a lot of you seem to drink just water
Thanks for the solidarity!
And I'm not the only one who cracks TheBigBlue, Chart, NarcKiddo.
NarcKiddo what you said about "so many things that seem reasonable to her, just don't apply to me." Yeah. I can't quite relate to a "civilized breakfast." I make a nice spread for the family, but tend to eat my dry toast by myself after they leave. Because I was raised by wolves? I dunno.
SanMagic7, I love the idea of a card with "no" on it! I gave my kid a set of communication cards because occasionally they can be nonverbal due to neurology. I know there have been times I have to write a few words rather than say them to the therapist. I'm going to make a "no" card and see if I can have a conflict that way for the next session
SenseOrgan, part of me doesn't want to exist, and, I'm in zero danger and very motivated to be here and heal. Maybe not wanting to do a morning routine is in part not wanting to be here, not wanting to wake up and recall how my life is. I have trouble sleeping, but I do wake up feeling happy initially, for about 15 seconds, until I remember "oh yeah, my past." Which is something that happened in my childhood, I woke up in the morning feeling peaceful, and then quickly recalled my situation with a sinking stomach and had no interest in breakfast, which wasn't often offered, and girded myself in the freezing cold to start powering through my day on nothing more than a glass of water.
I think what happened with the therapist was... in the face of feeling a little pushed, I disappeared. I also think you're onto something in that maybe I didn't even want to talk about a morning routine. Ive been in therapy for 30 years, for Frank's sake I know how to make a morning routine. I know all therapists want a little behavioral activation to round out the work, fair. But I think your sense is right in that she and I may be skating over the surface of some waters that are deeper than "coffee, or tea?" Why a morning routine might be loaded, or why a morning routine might not be the solution to my emotional state/flashback experience in the mornings.
Maybe my "ok ok I'll have tea" speaks to the dynamic between her and me, where I can't say "no" to the entire agenda of making a morning routine in the session, where she's pushing the therapy agenda/pulling me around on the surface of the ice and she isn't really aware of the danger I perceive and the dark waters I feel we're over. Why the "let's make a morning routine" agenda feels very unsafe to me, even though she's standing on the ice herself and it seems solid to her.
Her attitude wasn't pushing, it was more "Let's do a morning routine, it'll be fun!" ...but I guess I did feel like screaming. And I didn't say something like "there's more to it than making a schedule." I wasn't able in the moment to do that.
I will have to think about how to approach this with her. I'm pretty sure she can go to dark waters, we have before. It's more, can I say the words in the moment. Thank you for commenting, SenseOrgan.
Meanwhile I'm watching myself with clients, friends, my sibling, PT, doctors, in a very passive state, nodding and agreeing and not tolerating the least friction. If I say my arm hurts and the PT says try a few more, I try a few more. If I ask a kid to walk the dog and they purposely don't look up, I just move on. If I am in line at the post office and someone gets in front of me, I just leave. That's not like me, so I must be triggered by something. Maybe having to do all the doctor appointments and having some white coat syndrome. maybe the snow. who knows.
I am printing this Bugs Bunny and putting it in my wallet:
At the same time, I don't know what's pushing and what's just a conversation?
Rarely she pushes, if it's a medical thing I'm avoiding. I don't think she was pushing really... I think she was just conversing, and I interpreted it as a conflict I wanted to avoid.
I guess she is pushing a little, in wanting me to "take better care of myself." And plain water and oatmeal maybe seemed like prison food to her or something. I really only drink water. No ice. I grew up with only water.
And I am fortified in my position! a lot of you seem to drink just water
Thanks for the solidarity! And I'm not the only one who cracks
TheBigBlue, Chart, NarcKiddo. NarcKiddo what you said about "so many things that seem reasonable to her, just don't apply to me." Yeah. I can't quite relate to a "civilized breakfast." I make a nice spread for the family, but tend to eat my dry toast by myself after they leave. Because I was raised by wolves? I dunno.
SanMagic7, I love the idea of a card with "no" on it! I gave my kid a set of communication cards because occasionally they can be nonverbal due to neurology. I know there have been times I have to write a few words rather than say them to the therapist. I'm going to make a "no" card and see if I can have a conflict that way for the next session
SenseOrgan, part of me doesn't want to exist, and, I'm in zero danger and very motivated to be here and heal. Maybe not wanting to do a morning routine is in part not wanting to be here, not wanting to wake up and recall how my life is. I have trouble sleeping, but I do wake up feeling happy initially, for about 15 seconds, until I remember "oh yeah, my past." Which is something that happened in my childhood, I woke up in the morning feeling peaceful, and then quickly recalled my situation with a sinking stomach and had no interest in breakfast, which wasn't often offered, and girded myself in the freezing cold to start powering through my day on nothing more than a glass of water.
I think what happened with the therapist was... in the face of feeling a little pushed, I disappeared. I also think you're onto something in that maybe I didn't even want to talk about a morning routine. Ive been in therapy for 30 years, for Frank's sake I know how to make a morning routine. I know all therapists want a little behavioral activation to round out the work, fair. But I think your sense is right in that she and I may be skating over the surface of some waters that are deeper than "coffee, or tea?" Why a morning routine might be loaded, or why a morning routine might not be the solution to my emotional state/flashback experience in the mornings.
Maybe my "ok ok I'll have tea" speaks to the dynamic between her and me, where I can't say "no" to the entire agenda of making a morning routine in the session, where she's pushing the therapy agenda/pulling me around on the surface of the ice and she isn't really aware of the danger I perceive and the dark waters I feel we're over. Why the "let's make a morning routine" agenda feels very unsafe to me, even though she's standing on the ice herself and it seems solid to her.
Her attitude wasn't pushing, it was more "Let's do a morning routine, it'll be fun!" ...but I guess I did feel like screaming. And I didn't say something like "there's more to it than making a schedule." I wasn't able in the moment to do that.
I will have to think about how to approach this with her. I'm pretty sure she can go to dark waters, we have before. It's more, can I say the words in the moment. Thank you for commenting, SenseOrgan.
Meanwhile I'm watching myself with clients, friends, my sibling, PT, doctors, in a very passive state, nodding and agreeing and not tolerating the least friction. If I say my arm hurts and the PT says try a few more, I try a few more. If I ask a kid to walk the dog and they purposely don't look up, I just move on. If I am in line at the post office and someone gets in front of me, I just leave. That's not like me, so I must be triggered by something. Maybe having to do all the doctor appointments and having some white coat syndrome. maybe the snow. who knows.
I am printing this Bugs Bunny and putting it in my wallet:
#85
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm
Last post by Erec - January 27, 2026, 08:52:26 PMWelcome, pelicantown.
I also went through a phase years ago where I pushed away people who were close to me. I was living in a state of extreme suffering, and it felt like they, with their more 'normal' lives, couldn't possibly understand. We never spoke about the true nature of my pain, perhaps partly due to my own sense of privacy. Recently, however, I reconnected with those people, and I was surprised to find that, in some way, they had been waiting for me. It was easier to share my story after that long interval than it had ever been before. On the other hand, someone else I had met in the meantime—who I thought could understand me—suddenly pulled away for a year. That was very painful for me, but they eventually returned as well, and we reached an understanding.
What I want to say is this: I don't know your specific situation or context, but it is normal when carrying the weight of trauma, or an illness, to go through phases where you can no longer communicate with others. There is nothing wrong with that. Relationships can sometimes be recovered even after years. Other times they aren't, I imagine. But the fact that things aren't linear or predictable doesn't always lead to a catastrophe.
I hope you can soon find people you feel a connection with, even if it's not immediate, and even if we can't show our pain to everyone right away. I hope I don't sound paternalistic with this message; it's just an experience I've been through myself, and I wanted to share with you how it has been going for me.
I also went through a phase years ago where I pushed away people who were close to me. I was living in a state of extreme suffering, and it felt like they, with their more 'normal' lives, couldn't possibly understand. We never spoke about the true nature of my pain, perhaps partly due to my own sense of privacy. Recently, however, I reconnected with those people, and I was surprised to find that, in some way, they had been waiting for me. It was easier to share my story after that long interval than it had ever been before. On the other hand, someone else I had met in the meantime—who I thought could understand me—suddenly pulled away for a year. That was very painful for me, but they eventually returned as well, and we reached an understanding.
What I want to say is this: I don't know your specific situation or context, but it is normal when carrying the weight of trauma, or an illness, to go through phases where you can no longer communicate with others. There is nothing wrong with that. Relationships can sometimes be recovered even after years. Other times they aren't, I imagine. But the fact that things aren't linear or predictable doesn't always lead to a catastrophe.
I hope you can soon find people you feel a connection with, even if it's not immediate, and even if we can't show our pain to everyone right away. I hope I don't sound paternalistic with this message; it's just an experience I've been through myself, and I wanted to share with you how it has been going for me.
#86
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by Teddy bear - January 27, 2026, 08:32:26 PMThis very much resonates with me
Thanks 👍
And cheers!!!
Thanks 👍
And cheers!!!
#87
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by Erec - January 27, 2026, 08:25:12 PMSure, thank you. I'm more than happy to accept a virtual hug.
#88
General Discussion / Re: Autism or CPTSD?
Last post by Teddy bear - January 27, 2026, 08:14:58 PMHi BlueMoon and everybody,
That's an interesting topic to me.
I used to think I might be neurodivergent, possibly with some autistic traits. So, some time ago I decided to volunteer for an organisation helping kids and adults with autism.
Long story short, it didn't go as planned, and I think I've moved away from identifying with autism. It's mostly that I hold views that are quite critical of psychiatry (and autism is also diagnosed by a psychiatrist, at least in my country).
I hope you find a perspective on this issue that is helpful and reassuring.
Cheers 🤝
That's an interesting topic to me.
I used to think I might be neurodivergent, possibly with some autistic traits. So, some time ago I decided to volunteer for an organisation helping kids and adults with autism.
Long story short, it didn't go as planned, and I think I've moved away from identifying with autism. It's mostly that I hold views that are quite critical of psychiatry (and autism is also diagnosed by a psychiatrist, at least in my country).
I hope you find a perspective on this issue that is helpful and reassuring.
Cheers 🤝
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Chart - January 27, 2026, 07:11:08 PMThat was frickin' cool. Thank you TheBigBlue. I "knew" all that, but one, I can't learn through memorization, and two it was brilliantly organized and procedural which (for me) is intensely helpful (allowing me to learn through integration).
Hope, can we play around in your sandbox for a minute? :-) I want to add stuff, but if this is not the place, don't hesitate to tell me and I'll remove it and put it elsewhere.
I want to pick up where TheBigBlue left off...
EP material is difficult to integrate because it contains contextual parameters outside the capacity of the Right brain. Because of the separation of the two hemisphere's, the Left brain which is analytical can say, "That was a lot of shouting... too much shouting!" But since that information of quantity is cut from the Right brain, (or because the Left brain has not come online yet (3-4 yrs of age)) then the "relativity" to "quantity" is absent. So the EP just has an emotional reaction without any context. A "lot", or "a little", is nearly the same... Or another way of putting it, "It's all too much". And so Flashbacks later in life, with the adult, function totally in a reactionary manner, and not at all in a contextually appropriate one. That's why I still "feel" the same way every morning. The EP has not been able to associate the total absence of danger since over fifty years. Time doesn't matter to the EP.
So in order to process EP material, it has to be taken in appropriate doses so as not to overwhelm. And determining that dosage level, and I know for a fact that it can be very easily ZERO, is hard to engage without triggering the same response. Hard to stimulate a stress response in order to "practice" when anything ABOVE zero sends me into a total shutdown.
But there are ways, as we all know.
Body relaxation. Really working this and "priming" the totally relaxed system by really calming the body, then moving gently into the trauma territory.
Forcing parasympathetic system functioning... PMR, cold showers, petting the cat, etc. There's tons of tricks to activate the parasympathetic.
Emdr, which "widens" the communication between the right and left hemisphere's. I'm certain from the work I've done, that this is allowing my EP to access the technical details that it normally doesn't pay any attention to. Emdr (in all its forms, tapping, binaural, brain spotting, etc) helps the two hemisphere's coordinate. And together they make beautiful music... and allow bilateral integration to begin/continue. And for me, VERY often, this is where "release" (which many call grieving) occurs, when those two halves figure something out. Tears, loads of them... The EP infant gets to cry like the baby he is, and the ANP get's to sigh as he has finally gotten the critical missing information through to the child. And together they can be as one. The Love explodes between the two and understanding blooms... and the crap that terrified me yesterday is incredibly easier to deal with in the life that still awaits me... Something at the "root" level has worked it out.
My goodness that was pleasurable for me. Thank you TheBigBlue, that was so helpful. And thank you Hope for letting us play in the middle of your living room. :-) (And seriously, if you want me to move my post I will totally understand.)
Lots of hugs to everyone.
Hope, can we play around in your sandbox for a minute? :-) I want to add stuff, but if this is not the place, don't hesitate to tell me and I'll remove it and put it elsewhere.
I want to pick up where TheBigBlue left off...
Quote from: TheBigBlue on January 27, 2026, 06:05:17 PM7. Healing is not "removing parts" but restoring integration safely
This is incomplete, as I am still trying to understand this part, but what seems to be helping me so far involves:
- Building external regulation first with my T, by opening up to two friends that can be trusted
- Creating safety before integration
- Allowing EP material to be experienced - ideally without overwhelming the system, but that has not worked all the time
- Updating the nervous system that survival no longer requires separation of ANP (left) and EP (right hemisphere - loosely speaking).
EP material is difficult to integrate because it contains contextual parameters outside the capacity of the Right brain. Because of the separation of the two hemisphere's, the Left brain which is analytical can say, "That was a lot of shouting... too much shouting!" But since that information of quantity is cut from the Right brain, (or because the Left brain has not come online yet (3-4 yrs of age)) then the "relativity" to "quantity" is absent. So the EP just has an emotional reaction without any context. A "lot", or "a little", is nearly the same... Or another way of putting it, "It's all too much". And so Flashbacks later in life, with the adult, function totally in a reactionary manner, and not at all in a contextually appropriate one. That's why I still "feel" the same way every morning. The EP has not been able to associate the total absence of danger since over fifty years. Time doesn't matter to the EP.
So in order to process EP material, it has to be taken in appropriate doses so as not to overwhelm. And determining that dosage level, and I know for a fact that it can be very easily ZERO, is hard to engage without triggering the same response. Hard to stimulate a stress response in order to "practice" when anything ABOVE zero sends me into a total shutdown.
But there are ways, as we all know.
Body relaxation. Really working this and "priming" the totally relaxed system by really calming the body, then moving gently into the trauma territory.
Forcing parasympathetic system functioning... PMR, cold showers, petting the cat, etc. There's tons of tricks to activate the parasympathetic.
Emdr, which "widens" the communication between the right and left hemisphere's. I'm certain from the work I've done, that this is allowing my EP to access the technical details that it normally doesn't pay any attention to. Emdr (in all its forms, tapping, binaural, brain spotting, etc) helps the two hemisphere's coordinate. And together they make beautiful music... and allow bilateral integration to begin/continue. And for me, VERY often, this is where "release" (which many call grieving) occurs, when those two halves figure something out. Tears, loads of them... The EP infant gets to cry like the baby he is, and the ANP get's to sigh as he has finally gotten the critical missing information through to the child. And together they can be as one. The Love explodes between the two and understanding blooms... and the crap that terrified me yesterday is incredibly easier to deal with in the life that still awaits me... Something at the "root" level has worked it out.
My goodness that was pleasurable for me. Thank you TheBigBlue, that was so helpful. And thank you Hope for letting us play in the middle of your living room. :-) (And seriously, if you want me to move my post I will totally understand.)
Lots of hugs to everyone.
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 27, 2026, 06:10:15 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on January 27, 2026, 12:34:24 PMI'd have said "yes" to the tea, too. I'd probably have cracked at juice, to be honest.
me too.