Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - February 11, 2026, 06:53:24 PMHannahOne
Thank you my friend. That bit by Paul Simon is very inspiring. It's how I'd like to go through life with other people in mind.
sanmagic7
Thank you San! I love your inclusive way of thinking.
Marcine
That's really nice to hear. It's invaluable to be able to communicate about this with you and others here. I consider myself really lucky that I found my way here. There's no way I could do this on my own. And it wouldn't be quite as fun.
Yes, Philip Glass. What can I say? Will a genius and a gift to humanity do? I like his solo piano pieces a lot. Love at first hear for me.
TheBigBlue
Thank you very much for your kind words. We're all essentially in the same boat, aren't we? We'll get there with a little help from our friends, I like to think.
Chart
Right back atcha!
It's been a while. I'm not exactly sure how it happened that I've been so busy. Right now I'm quite melancholic. Radiohead is the soundtrack for this entry. I think it's time to slow down a bit. Hopefully have a good cry.
Last Sunday was the annual general meeting at the community garden. An event I dreaded ever since it was announced. I had discussed it extensively with wonderful people who gave me great feedback. It helped a great deal to create space around it, and lessen the contraction a bit. And still I kept dreading it. The core issue here, is that I'm afraid to show up. As me. The real version. My survival self feels like a suit that doesn't fit me anymore. I want to drop it. A little bit of a mask, or reluctance, is fine. But it needs to be me who's there, essentially. I want to exist. And I want to connect. Neither of those happen when I'm not there.
It became a big thing for me. My shrink pretty much encouraged me to go, without pushing me. He went quite CBT on me, which, for once in my life, was actually appropriate. I wasn't going to push myself to go, but I felt pressure to attend. It felt rude to not show up. And I didn't join to dodge this kind of thing. I joined to connect. That doesn't mix well with hiding. Sleep had been punishing. I was constantly on the edge of things being too much. It's hard to find the middle way sometimes.
On the dreaded day itself, I was in a conversation with a good friend and discussed the issue again. I lost track of time, and if he hadn't notified me, I would have missed the moment. Connecting with him had reduced my sense of otherness, and somewhat lowered my anxiety [connection is the answer!]. Click. Decision made. Go. Now.
I had to hurry! Upon arrival, I noticed it wasn't too crowded. Even fewer people than I had expected. Sill a good bunch. Entering the community building was scary. Who's going to be there? I'm stuck here now. I sat down somewhere. A bit of small talk with the neighbor's and the volunteers. Nothing too scary. More conversation. Safe enough people. Few. I remained present. Flashes of fear. For blushing. No escape. Memories. So many memories. The social battlefield of my life.
Awareness. I'm sitting here. Being present. I am actually here. I am. Some anxiety, yes. Nothing like it used to be. Shocking. Walking out of the storm. That's what this is. That's what's happening. Connectedness has been corroding otherness. It has been normalizing my self image. In many, many, infinitely subtle ways. It is becoming part of who I am. It lives in me as an okayness, even when I'm in a challenging situation. That's what safely attached people have heaps of, always and everywhere. I know what it's like now.
After the meeting I connected with a board member. I had a few questions and we started chatting. Before I knew it, she asked me if I wanted to write a piece about regenerative agriculture for the community journal. What I felt was interesting. It wasn't terror or shame. The idea didn't scare me. Huh?! More like I don't mind to tell something about what I'm up to here to the other people. What?! I perplexed myself. Since I still want to ease into this community, I told the board member I have some personal challenges and want to take it slow, but I'm up for it at some point.
Just five months ago I joined. I vividly remember the fear I felt every time I set foot on the terrain. Until very recently. It was the others and me. The threat and the threatened. The exposed and the judges. Recently I had my coming out as a no-dig gardener when I requested way more compost than folks around here are used to. A few days ago an acquaintance with a car helped me to get heaps of cardboard to my garden. The other day I finished covering the entire surface with it. 97 m2. It sticks out like a flashing billboard. And I stopped caring what others may think of it. I went all the way and became unapologetic about it. No overcompensation. ME. I don't know how permanent this is. In any case, it's a huge victory for me. And it came much earlier than I had dared to dream.
Stepping out of my ashamed self, into my authenticity, also makes it painfully clear how awful life was all these years. And who caused it. I think I've done the bulk of grieving. Even to the point of embracing the inevitability of all of it. My challenge is to stop hiding and to speak my mind. That's more difficult for me than to suffer in silence. I feel like life is calling me to reclaim the healthy anger that was stolen from me. I did a good bit of that in the past. But much of it is still suffocating under a blanket of shame. At some point I'm going to tell my mother exactly what she has done to me. She's not going to get a free pass anymore. Not with me paying the ultimate price for it. It's crucial that I find my voice, especially there. It'll come. I had flashes of insights. Just no time to capture any of it. Sleep gives me little room to maneuver. I can only spend the time and energy I do have once. I feel awful about disappearing here for bit. It happens sometimes. You guys are on my mind frequently. It's odd that I start to feel a bit of "survivor's guilt" writing these positive experiences. Not that I'm actually out of the storm, but I'm getting a taste of what that must be like.
Oh, yeah. One more thing I wanted to write. Social anxiety doesn't exist. At least not for me. It's yet another way to frame trauma as a character flaw. I'm sure it's not intended that way. But that framework does do that. It's not social anxiety. It's not ahistorical. It's a flashback. How it was. Experienced again. In the present. Every social interaction. Over and over. The same mechanism as the firecracker to the war vet, that does get the acknowledgment it deserves. Those who haven't lived it can't fathom what it's like to go through life as if everyone is pointing a gun at you. Social anxiety almost sounds cute in comparison to what it's actually like. I don't have social anxiety. I'm reliving how I was treated by my mother.
Okay, one last thing. I came out of the night quite grumpy, irritable, and overwhelmed this morning. There were some shelves on offer that I needed, so I went to the store when it opened anyway. I joked a bit with the cashier when I entered. When I got to the shelves, I loaded the only four that were available in my cart. Something that would normally greatly embarrass me. I didn't care. Pushed the thing through the store to get some other stuff. Odd looks from an employee [objectively so]. Didn't care. Then went to the cash register. The cashier made a remark about me taking all the shelves. I joked that it's even worse. That I wanted to buy more. No anxiety. Enjoyment. Great chemistry with her, who was in an equal playful mood. She called someone, who got the extra shelves for me. I joked some more with the cashier and said I was here by bike. I had to leave some here to pick em up later. She was clearly enjoying me joking about the situation and wondering if I was going to pull it off. When I got back, I joked some more with her. Was I actually flirting? Not sure. Anyway, these are the moments when I realize how much better life got.
Thank you my friend. That bit by Paul Simon is very inspiring. It's how I'd like to go through life with other people in mind.
sanmagic7
Thank you San! I love your inclusive way of thinking.
Marcine
That's really nice to hear. It's invaluable to be able to communicate about this with you and others here. I consider myself really lucky that I found my way here. There's no way I could do this on my own. And it wouldn't be quite as fun.
Yes, Philip Glass. What can I say? Will a genius and a gift to humanity do? I like his solo piano pieces a lot. Love at first hear for me.
TheBigBlue
Thank you very much for your kind words. We're all essentially in the same boat, aren't we? We'll get there with a little help from our friends, I like to think.
Chart
Right back atcha!
It's been a while. I'm not exactly sure how it happened that I've been so busy. Right now I'm quite melancholic. Radiohead is the soundtrack for this entry. I think it's time to slow down a bit. Hopefully have a good cry.
Last Sunday was the annual general meeting at the community garden. An event I dreaded ever since it was announced. I had discussed it extensively with wonderful people who gave me great feedback. It helped a great deal to create space around it, and lessen the contraction a bit. And still I kept dreading it. The core issue here, is that I'm afraid to show up. As me. The real version. My survival self feels like a suit that doesn't fit me anymore. I want to drop it. A little bit of a mask, or reluctance, is fine. But it needs to be me who's there, essentially. I want to exist. And I want to connect. Neither of those happen when I'm not there.
It became a big thing for me. My shrink pretty much encouraged me to go, without pushing me. He went quite CBT on me, which, for once in my life, was actually appropriate. I wasn't going to push myself to go, but I felt pressure to attend. It felt rude to not show up. And I didn't join to dodge this kind of thing. I joined to connect. That doesn't mix well with hiding. Sleep had been punishing. I was constantly on the edge of things being too much. It's hard to find the middle way sometimes.
On the dreaded day itself, I was in a conversation with a good friend and discussed the issue again. I lost track of time, and if he hadn't notified me, I would have missed the moment. Connecting with him had reduced my sense of otherness, and somewhat lowered my anxiety [connection is the answer!]. Click. Decision made. Go. Now.
I had to hurry! Upon arrival, I noticed it wasn't too crowded. Even fewer people than I had expected. Sill a good bunch. Entering the community building was scary. Who's going to be there? I'm stuck here now. I sat down somewhere. A bit of small talk with the neighbor's and the volunteers. Nothing too scary. More conversation. Safe enough people. Few. I remained present. Flashes of fear. For blushing. No escape. Memories. So many memories. The social battlefield of my life.
Awareness. I'm sitting here. Being present. I am actually here. I am. Some anxiety, yes. Nothing like it used to be. Shocking. Walking out of the storm. That's what this is. That's what's happening. Connectedness has been corroding otherness. It has been normalizing my self image. In many, many, infinitely subtle ways. It is becoming part of who I am. It lives in me as an okayness, even when I'm in a challenging situation. That's what safely attached people have heaps of, always and everywhere. I know what it's like now.
After the meeting I connected with a board member. I had a few questions and we started chatting. Before I knew it, she asked me if I wanted to write a piece about regenerative agriculture for the community journal. What I felt was interesting. It wasn't terror or shame. The idea didn't scare me. Huh?! More like I don't mind to tell something about what I'm up to here to the other people. What?! I perplexed myself. Since I still want to ease into this community, I told the board member I have some personal challenges and want to take it slow, but I'm up for it at some point.
Just five months ago I joined. I vividly remember the fear I felt every time I set foot on the terrain. Until very recently. It was the others and me. The threat and the threatened. The exposed and the judges. Recently I had my coming out as a no-dig gardener when I requested way more compost than folks around here are used to. A few days ago an acquaintance with a car helped me to get heaps of cardboard to my garden. The other day I finished covering the entire surface with it. 97 m2. It sticks out like a flashing billboard. And I stopped caring what others may think of it. I went all the way and became unapologetic about it. No overcompensation. ME. I don't know how permanent this is. In any case, it's a huge victory for me. And it came much earlier than I had dared to dream.
Stepping out of my ashamed self, into my authenticity, also makes it painfully clear how awful life was all these years. And who caused it. I think I've done the bulk of grieving. Even to the point of embracing the inevitability of all of it. My challenge is to stop hiding and to speak my mind. That's more difficult for me than to suffer in silence. I feel like life is calling me to reclaim the healthy anger that was stolen from me. I did a good bit of that in the past. But much of it is still suffocating under a blanket of shame. At some point I'm going to tell my mother exactly what she has done to me. She's not going to get a free pass anymore. Not with me paying the ultimate price for it. It's crucial that I find my voice, especially there. It'll come. I had flashes of insights. Just no time to capture any of it. Sleep gives me little room to maneuver. I can only spend the time and energy I do have once. I feel awful about disappearing here for bit. It happens sometimes. You guys are on my mind frequently. It's odd that I start to feel a bit of "survivor's guilt" writing these positive experiences. Not that I'm actually out of the storm, but I'm getting a taste of what that must be like.
Oh, yeah. One more thing I wanted to write. Social anxiety doesn't exist. At least not for me. It's yet another way to frame trauma as a character flaw. I'm sure it's not intended that way. But that framework does do that. It's not social anxiety. It's not ahistorical. It's a flashback. How it was. Experienced again. In the present. Every social interaction. Over and over. The same mechanism as the firecracker to the war vet, that does get the acknowledgment it deserves. Those who haven't lived it can't fathom what it's like to go through life as if everyone is pointing a gun at you. Social anxiety almost sounds cute in comparison to what it's actually like. I don't have social anxiety. I'm reliving how I was treated by my mother.
Okay, one last thing. I came out of the night quite grumpy, irritable, and overwhelmed this morning. There were some shelves on offer that I needed, so I went to the store when it opened anyway. I joked a bit with the cashier when I entered. When I got to the shelves, I loaded the only four that were available in my cart. Something that would normally greatly embarrass me. I didn't care. Pushed the thing through the store to get some other stuff. Odd looks from an employee [objectively so]. Didn't care. Then went to the cash register. The cashier made a remark about me taking all the shelves. I joked that it's even worse. That I wanted to buy more. No anxiety. Enjoyment. Great chemistry with her, who was in an equal playful mood. She called someone, who got the extra shelves for me. I joked some more with the cashier and said I was here by bike. I had to leave some here to pick em up later. She was clearly enjoying me joking about the situation and wondering if I was going to pull it off. When I got back, I joked some more with her. Was I actually flirting? Not sure. Anyway, these are the moments when I realize how much better life got.
#82
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: trying to make sense of th...
Last post by Dalloway - February 11, 2026, 06:36:54 PMThank you all for responding, I appreciate your thoughtful and wise responses. I very much like the idea of facing the inner voice and being curious about it´s purposes and also asking where it thinks I should be and what I should do. Looking back at my post and all the "symptoms" I listed, I think deep down I was at least 80% sure that this was the inner critic, mostly because of it´s tendency to use more harsh and rude language. I think I desperately want to do something with my life, but am never satisfied with what I´m doing and where I am at the moment. And I also want to be a bit braver because I sincerely think that there are some awesome things on the other side of the fear, I just don´t know how to climb the fence yet. The journey itself is scary and discouraging sometimes. But this forum is one of the few places I can turn to in times of need, looking for answers, and I can also contribute to building something great with our shared experience. So thank you again for taking the time to respond and for seeing and validating me. 
#83
Please Introduce Yourself Here / I think I may have found my pe...
Last post by MiaBailey - February 11, 2026, 06:31:02 PMHi All, I am Mia. I am new here. I only have a few minutes before I head out the door to run errands. I thought about waiting to post my intro until I had more time to collect my thoughts; however, I have lived in my head and collected my thoughts for 62 years. I was truly struck but just reading a few of the posts from the introductory page -- some of you were writing my internal thoughts on your computers.
My hubby is waiting on me so no there is no time to write a novella. I can say this brief synopsis. I was raised in an affluent family but there was severe neglect with a busy career-focused dad and a mom that was busy being pretty. So, basically, I was intelligent but not all that pretty so I wasn't a good play-thing for her; therefore, I had no intrinsic value. I spent my life trying to be perfect. Perfect grades, perfect attendance, law school, et cetera. Nothing would ever gain love from someone incapable of giving love.
I married someone very similar to my mom and was married to him for a long time. He and I had a daughter who is very similar to him. I ultimately left that relationship.
By the time that I left these relationships, I was just absolutely spent and had zero self-esteem.
It doesn't seem to matter how many books I read or counselors I talk to that tell me about the neglect and abuse and this and that -- I just feel like I am so ground down that I will never be able to truly believe in myself. Yes, I have PTSD and C-PTSD. Yes, I have done counseling and EMDR. Yes, I know that it isn't my fault.
However, I have also had a hard time finding therapists that really understand and/or care and/or are truly empathetic to someone that was neglected. They seem to understand abuse as-in what happened to you but that is so tangible. I can sit there all day long and say nothing happened to me, per se. That's the problem, nothing happened to me. They seem to have a difficult time in identifying neglect. How do you do EMDR for neglect? What do you target?
Anyway, I have blathered on and hopefully not sounded like an idiot. Just glad to have found a place to feel understood. Thank you for listening.
My hubby is waiting on me so no there is no time to write a novella. I can say this brief synopsis. I was raised in an affluent family but there was severe neglect with a busy career-focused dad and a mom that was busy being pretty. So, basically, I was intelligent but not all that pretty so I wasn't a good play-thing for her; therefore, I had no intrinsic value. I spent my life trying to be perfect. Perfect grades, perfect attendance, law school, et cetera. Nothing would ever gain love from someone incapable of giving love.
I married someone very similar to my mom and was married to him for a long time. He and I had a daughter who is very similar to him. I ultimately left that relationship.
By the time that I left these relationships, I was just absolutely spent and had zero self-esteem.
It doesn't seem to matter how many books I read or counselors I talk to that tell me about the neglect and abuse and this and that -- I just feel like I am so ground down that I will never be able to truly believe in myself. Yes, I have PTSD and C-PTSD. Yes, I have done counseling and EMDR. Yes, I know that it isn't my fault.
However, I have also had a hard time finding therapists that really understand and/or care and/or are truly empathetic to someone that was neglected. They seem to understand abuse as-in what happened to you but that is so tangible. I can sit there all day long and say nothing happened to me, per se. That's the problem, nothing happened to me. They seem to have a difficult time in identifying neglect. How do you do EMDR for neglect? What do you target?
Anyway, I have blathered on and hopefully not sounded like an idiot. Just glad to have found a place to feel understood. Thank you for listening.
#84
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 11, 2026, 06:13:40 PMI find touch deprivation interesting on so many levels. My F never touches anyone if he can help it. Hugs are perfunctory and performative. The only touch of comfort he has ever offered me is when his mother died. I was very close to her and I was so upset but trying to hold it together because a crying fit would have embarrassed him. He touched my forearm by way of comfort. That's it. That's all, in over half a century.
My M on the other hand was all over me. She likes nothing better than for everyone to clamber into a bed together and watch TV. She will grab and paw. She will groom her children at will and we cannot say no. Well, I do now, but mostly I keep far enough away that she can't do so easily and I move away if under threat.
But yes, we need touch. The first time I had a massage I was amazed at how therapeutic touch can be. I loved to snuggle with my dogs. However I am also amazed at how triggering touch can be. Even kind touch from safe people. If I am not ready for it or requesting it I have such a strong reaction. If my husband passes behind me at a restaurant and touches my shoulder or back I grit my teeth. My husband! My weightlifting coach has always been respectful about asking whether he may touch me to correct my form and I am fine about that. But we have known each other for 5 years now and he does not always remember to ask (which can be non verbal, just approaching slowly enough that I can see the intention). If I get sudden assistance I become very angry and have almost thumped him on occasion.
My M on the other hand was all over me. She likes nothing better than for everyone to clamber into a bed together and watch TV. She will grab and paw. She will groom her children at will and we cannot say no. Well, I do now, but mostly I keep far enough away that she can't do so easily and I move away if under threat.
But yes, we need touch. The first time I had a massage I was amazed at how therapeutic touch can be. I loved to snuggle with my dogs. However I am also amazed at how triggering touch can be. Even kind touch from safe people. If I am not ready for it or requesting it I have such a strong reaction. If my husband passes behind me at a restaurant and touches my shoulder or back I grit my teeth. My husband! My weightlifting coach has always been respectful about asking whether he may touch me to correct my form and I am fine about that. But we have known each other for 5 years now and he does not always remember to ask (which can be non verbal, just approaching slowly enough that I can see the intention). If I get sudden assistance I become very angry and have almost thumped him on occasion.
#85
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 11, 2026, 05:58:24 PMThanks for starting this thread.
It was a revelation to me that people could feel one way while holding space and emotions for someone who is feeling quite different. That it is possible to acknowledge and explore someone else's feelings without letting them take over oneself. Of course it makes logical sense that it is possible. This must be a skill therapists have, or they would surely sink under all the weight of their clients' troubles.
It was a revelation to me that people could feel one way while holding space and emotions for someone who is feeling quite different. That it is possible to acknowledge and explore someone else's feelings without letting them take over oneself. Of course it makes logical sense that it is possible. This must be a skill therapists have, or they would surely sink under all the weight of their clients' troubles.
#86
Symptoms - Other / Complex Relational Trauma, Emp...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 11, 2026, 05:32:13 PMThe thoughts here were inspired by an exchange in NarcKiddo's Recovery Journal.
This made me think deeply about Empathy.
In a video Chart posted a few weeks ago
My immediate reaction was almost offended:
"Wait - if anything, I have too much empathy."
If someone starts telling a story - especially one involving animals - I often stop them and say, "If anyone gets hurt or dies, I don't want to hear it."
For them, it's a two-minute anecdote.
For me, it can be a lifetime of pain that I feel in my body.
So I paused Schore's video and asked myself a question:
Do people with CPTSD have less empathy - or more?
Here's how I now understand it.
Complex Relational Trauma, Empathy, and Why CPTSD Survivers Can Feel "Too Much"
1. Trauma does not reduce the capacity for empathy.
In fact, many CPTSD survivors show heightened empathic sensitivity.
But what trauma does impair is something more subtle - but crucial:
The ability to feel others' emotions without losing oneself.
2. Empathy needs a stable self to rest on
In healthy development:
a child develops a cohesive sense of self through safe, consistent co-regulation. Empathy then emerges on top of that self. You can feel with others - and return to yourself.
In CPTSD, especially developmental trauma:
inner safety was never reliably established; the "self" remains fragile or underdeveloped. Empathy develops anyway - but it has nowhere stable to land. So instead of empathy sitting on top of the self ... empathy can end up replacing the self.
What that looks like in real life:
- you don't just observe another's pain, but you become flooded by it
- you lose track of your own needs
- your nervous system reacts as if the pain were your own
=> This isn't kindness gone wrong.
It's a trauma adaptation.
What looks like "too much empathy" is often a combination of:
threat detection ("I must feel what others feel - to anticipate danger, prevent harm, or preserve connection") AND
hyper-attunement without regulation.
3. Right-brain dominance without right-brain safety
Neuroscience helps explain this:
- empathy, emotional resonance, and nonverbal communication are largely right-hemisphere functions;
- trauma, especially early trauma, leads to right-brain dominance
- but without secure attachment, that right brain develops without safety
=> So you get:
- intense emotional resonance
- exquisite sensitivity
- fast detection of distress
- but without the ability to modulate, contain, or step back.
That's why stories hurt. That's why we get pulled into the runarounds of our FOO's. Not because we are weak - but because our nervous systems never learned boundaries for empathy.
4. For completeness: CPTSD does not look the same in everyone
Survivors can also oscillate between two poles:
A. Trauma-based hyper-empathy:
- intense
- involuntary
- exhausting
- boundary-less
=> It feels like: "I feel what you feel because I had to - not because I choose to."
B. Empathy shutdown / dissociation:
- emotional numbing
- withdrawal
- reduced resonance
5. Why this matters in daily life
This helps explain why:
- other people's obliviousness feels shocking or cruel
- we're exhausted by "small" stories others shrug off
- we struggle to know when to put ourselves first
- we feel deeply - but often feel unseen in return
6. Something I found online that made me cry (unknown source)
"When a person grows up feeling unseen, they learn to love by overgiving.
They pour into everyone else, hoping that one day, someone will finally pour back into them.
They become the caretaker, the fixer - the one who shows up even when no one shows up for them.
And the hardest part?
Deep down, they're not trying to be strong.
They're just waiting for someone to do for them what they've spent their whole life doing for everyone else."
So, maybe the 'obliviousness' that Chart mentioned, comes from a collision:
The parents who traumatized us came from different maladaptive directions
— some narcissistic/extractive
— some boundary-collapsing (horizontal enmeshment) and need-driven
— some avoidant or dissociative
Those patterns then crash into a child's survival adaptations
— hyper-attunement and awareness
— fawning
— unregulated co-empathy
— self-erasure
And what emerges is exactly what hurts so deeply: the feeling that something fundamentally human - reciprocal empathy - is missing.
Maybe the work isn't to harden ourselves against people who seem oblivious, but to build enough inner safety that empathy no longer requires us to disappear.
Not less empathy - but regulated empathy.🙂
How? I don't have this fully figured out yet, but it likely involves:
- building a cohesive inner self
- learning that empathy can be chosen, not automatic
- discovering that you can feel with someone without losing yourself.
(If it is ok)
Quote from: NarcKiddo on February 10, 2026, 01:35:26 PMI feel like a fool. [...] nobody likes being played. [...] I have not the slightest interest in going out of my way to be helpful in the future.And Chart's question:
Quote from: Chart on February 11, 2026, 10:03:58 AMNK, this makes me wonder where Empathy comes from. [...] Why do so many foo seem absolutely oblivious to something I believe is a fundamental aspect of being human?
This made me think deeply about Empathy.
In a video Chart posted a few weeks ago
Quote from: Chart on January 25, 2026, 01:24:30 PMDr. Allan N. Schore - Modern attachment theory; the enduring impact of early right-brain developmentProf. Schore mentioned that empathy is largely a right-hemisphere function, and that he was preparing to speak to a large group of lawyers about how trauma affects empathy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0sKY86Qmzo
My immediate reaction was almost offended:
"Wait - if anything, I have too much empathy."
If someone starts telling a story - especially one involving animals - I often stop them and say, "If anyone gets hurt or dies, I don't want to hear it."
For them, it's a two-minute anecdote.
For me, it can be a lifetime of pain that I feel in my body.
So I paused Schore's video and asked myself a question:
Do people with CPTSD have less empathy - or more?
Here's how I now understand it.
Complex Relational Trauma, Empathy, and Why CPTSD Survivers Can Feel "Too Much"
1. Trauma does not reduce the capacity for empathy.
In fact, many CPTSD survivors show heightened empathic sensitivity.
But what trauma does impair is something more subtle - but crucial:
The ability to feel others' emotions without losing oneself.
2. Empathy needs a stable self to rest on
In healthy development:
a child develops a cohesive sense of self through safe, consistent co-regulation. Empathy then emerges on top of that self. You can feel with others - and return to yourself.
In CPTSD, especially developmental trauma:
inner safety was never reliably established; the "self" remains fragile or underdeveloped. Empathy develops anyway - but it has nowhere stable to land. So instead of empathy sitting on top of the self ... empathy can end up replacing the self.
What that looks like in real life:
- you don't just observe another's pain, but you become flooded by it
- you lose track of your own needs
- your nervous system reacts as if the pain were your own
=> This isn't kindness gone wrong.
It's a trauma adaptation.
What looks like "too much empathy" is often a combination of:
threat detection ("I must feel what others feel - to anticipate danger, prevent harm, or preserve connection") AND
hyper-attunement without regulation.
3. Right-brain dominance without right-brain safety
Neuroscience helps explain this:
- empathy, emotional resonance, and nonverbal communication are largely right-hemisphere functions;
- trauma, especially early trauma, leads to right-brain dominance
- but without secure attachment, that right brain develops without safety
=> So you get:
- intense emotional resonance
- exquisite sensitivity
- fast detection of distress
- but without the ability to modulate, contain, or step back.
That's why stories hurt. That's why we get pulled into the runarounds of our FOO's. Not because we are weak - but because our nervous systems never learned boundaries for empathy.
4. For completeness: CPTSD does not look the same in everyone
Survivors can also oscillate between two poles:
A. Trauma-based hyper-empathy:
- intense
- involuntary
- exhausting
- boundary-less
=> It feels like: "I feel what you feel because I had to - not because I choose to."
B. Empathy shutdown / dissociation:
- emotional numbing
- withdrawal
- reduced resonance
5. Why this matters in daily life
This helps explain why:
- other people's obliviousness feels shocking or cruel
- we're exhausted by "small" stories others shrug off
- we struggle to know when to put ourselves first
- we feel deeply - but often feel unseen in return
6. Something I found online that made me cry (unknown source)
"When a person grows up feeling unseen, they learn to love by overgiving.
They pour into everyone else, hoping that one day, someone will finally pour back into them.
They become the caretaker, the fixer - the one who shows up even when no one shows up for them.
And the hardest part?
Deep down, they're not trying to be strong.
They're just waiting for someone to do for them what they've spent their whole life doing for everyone else."
So, maybe the 'obliviousness' that Chart mentioned, comes from a collision:
The parents who traumatized us came from different maladaptive directions
— some narcissistic/extractive
— some boundary-collapsing (horizontal enmeshment) and need-driven
— some avoidant or dissociative
Those patterns then crash into a child's survival adaptations
— hyper-attunement and awareness
— fawning
— unregulated co-empathy
— self-erasure
And what emerges is exactly what hurts so deeply: the feeling that something fundamentally human - reciprocal empathy - is missing.
Maybe the work isn't to harden ourselves against people who seem oblivious, but to build enough inner safety that empathy no longer requires us to disappear.
Not less empathy - but regulated empathy.🙂
How? I don't have this fully figured out yet, but it likely involves:
- building a cohesive inner self
- learning that empathy can be chosen, not automatic
- discovering that you can feel with someone without losing yourself.
(If it is ok)
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 11, 2026, 05:27:33 PMThank you NarcKiddo, The BigBlue, Sanmagic7. SM, your description of it as Alice and Wonderland rings true to my experience. Things were so upside down!
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 11, 2026, 04:40:56 PMI'm sorry your D is not well and hope she is better soon. Also that you do not catch it.
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 11, 2026, 04:38:33 PMThank you The Big Blue. This is all really good information. I think it might be worth copying to another section of the forum into its own thread simply so that others can more easily come across the information if they are researching empathy or want to discuss it further. But please do leave it here.
I think it is crucial to realise that others have the ability to feel with someone without losing themselves. I wasn't allowed that and have only recently realised it is possible. As a child I had to feel whatever M was feeling. I was called a traitor the one time I chose not to follow her upstairs and comfort her after a row with my F but instead stayed with him. Because he was in a good mood after the row and was happy to spend some time playing with me rather than reading his newspaper. I have become so adept at feeling the emotions of others that it can be quite problematic. My husband's way of releasing anger at a minor annoyance is to explode and curse and then it's all over. The problem is that it reliably used to trigger me into an EF. It doesn't always these days as I know he is a safe person but nevertheless the anger feels like an oil spill and I take it all on. He's got rid of it onto me but I struggle with getting rid of it from me. His 30 seconds of anger about a dropped piece of toast can mean an entire day of stress for me. Equally I could not understand how he could see me sad, comfort me as best he could, and then go about his day in a good mood.
I think it is crucial to realise that others have the ability to feel with someone without losing themselves. I wasn't allowed that and have only recently realised it is possible. As a child I had to feel whatever M was feeling. I was called a traitor the one time I chose not to follow her upstairs and comfort her after a row with my F but instead stayed with him. Because he was in a good mood after the row and was happy to spend some time playing with me rather than reading his newspaper. I have become so adept at feeling the emotions of others that it can be quite problematic. My husband's way of releasing anger at a minor annoyance is to explode and curse and then it's all over. The problem is that it reliably used to trigger me into an EF. It doesn't always these days as I know he is a safe person but nevertheless the anger feels like an oil spill and I take it all on. He's got rid of it onto me but I struggle with getting rid of it from me. His 30 seconds of anger about a dropped piece of toast can mean an entire day of stress for me. Equally I could not understand how he could see me sad, comfort me as best he could, and then go about his day in a good mood.
#90
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 11, 2026, 04:13:40 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on February 11, 2026, 01:51:22 PMQuotethanks to frank for all his wisdom, too, in showing us the way.🐇 🐰
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