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#81

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: One Act of Kindness to Mys...

Last post by Blueberry - February 18, 2026, 09:25:06 AM

I think a general act of kindness to myself, which would also be a concrete step towards some healing, is to be more aware of how I talk to myself, meaning try and see when a feeling which could lead to a "should" is present. Then try and think what would be healthier for me than "should". Like instead of telling myself "I should get out of bed", try and get more in the habit of thinking what could inspire me to get up or even just interest me in getting on with my day. I don't know if I will write that here daily, but I might at least some days because it does help me to keep track of that kind of thing for a while at least.

#82

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by dollyvee - February 18, 2026, 09:14:55 AM

nd she'd probably have done it to him, too, if she could have been bothered to get up at 4am to catch him on his delivery round.

hahahaha I have an image of your m getting up at 4am to greet the milkman and to try and solve his problems.

When I read this, I could imagine myself in your shoes and seeing how it would come across as vindictive a little bit, not that there's any truth to that being the motive. For me, I could also see it maybe touching on a point of anger that's like, see all the things I have done for you, and now that I'm not doing them what are you going to do? Which is kind of like a reciprocal hurt when you've been hurt in the process for perhaps doing too much in the first place and not having it acknowledged. But that's what I was trained to do    This is the unhealthy enmeshment and perhaps the really difficult realization is that it's never going to be acknowledged, and that a big part of my identity is somewhat hollow. There's a lot of pain beneath that.

As an outsider, I can also see how it's hard to not press the button, and run through all the ways that FOO might punish you for not "helping out," but you're letting FOO fail on their own if they need to. On the other side, if they don't fail, you are left with the lack of recognition for how you helped them in the situation, which is probably the important part. How do I keep showing up in this relational dynamic and what do I need to address that because if I don't I'm going to keep feeling x way? This of course, is just my problem solving part, and I'm sorry that there's a lot of emotions that are probably going to come around that. 

#83

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More ...

Last post by Blueberry - February 18, 2026, 04:46:34 AM

I now understand on a much deeper level how all those physical symptoms I get are directly related to trauma and that if I don't keep on top of them, keep using particular exhaling exercises and other exercises my T has taught me over the years, I end up getting sick. All the terrible colds I get, which are almost flu-like in their symptoms and keep me in bed for the best part of 2 weeks? They're due to emotions getting stuck in my throat, which I feel as a huge frog in my throat, rather than being processed outwards. When they get stuck, sooner or later they turn into a cold. As if being stuck in that spot they end up festering and then infecting my throat.

It's really interesting for me to re-read this atm. Partly because of huge-frog-in-throat which I had recently, mentioned on my private thread, and partially because I no longer get flu-like symptoms much, certainly not 4 times a year. I think that stopped when I stopped working freelance or working for pay at all. Altho I'm still having trouble accepting myself as no longer working-for-pay on normal job market, isn't it worth it to not be sick 4 times a year? I feel I "should" be able to respond to myself with "Yes, of course" but interestingly I can't.

I'm wondering what those exhaling exercises were I learned from T? Maybe if I go back far enough in my mind, I will remember. It was probably somatic stuff.

#84

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More ...

Last post by Blueberry - February 18, 2026, 04:24:26 AM

Hey Blueberry,
Just wanted to say I understand and it's okay.
(Outside OOTS I might tell someone 'not to worry about it', but I know with us, it's not that simple.)
It's difficult or too difficult to keep up when we're not feeling well.
I hope the zoom group tonight will make you feel better. Or any other way, I hope you feel better soon.
 

Thank you DF! I'm sure I read this response of yours at the time but of course I didn't have the wherewithal to respond.

That was October. I still haven't caught up on my correspondence irl, or on here either probably, but I know that's generally / mostly understood here.

#85

Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!

Last post by Blueberry - February 18, 2026, 04:17:44 AM

So what changed? What happened? Nothing feels worth it this morning. I just want to go back to bed.

Showering would be a good idea, it would even help my skin not feel so itchy I think. But showering is often difficult. Not sure if that alone makes me want to go back to bed.

It's interesting for me to read this and following posts.

Things haven't felt 'worth it' for a good number of days. I've been bingeing on my duolingo course today after skipping two days in a row. Today is my 73rd day (the skipped days are covered as a streak freeze) and missing 2 days in a row was a first, tho I have skipped the occasional one day.

Today I remembered that of course it is worth it to work on duolingo! 1) For my interest in the language 2) To keep my mind occupied and busy 3) To avoid ruminating 4) To practise keeping going at something - might help in the future keeping going with something else 5) To prove to myself that I am able to keep going at something 6) To show myself that I am able to practise

Today I also remembered how B1, who had too much say and too much emotional power in FOO even when we were children, questioned the value of things I was doing that were not paid work when I was in my mid to late teens. In a lot of people's minds I probably should have been on the student job (career) ladder by that time (there's that "should" again) but I wasn't much and certainly not full time in the holidays because I couldn't. It's interesting for me to realise that on the days I skipped my duolingo, I was remembering those things B1 said AND I was also questioning the use of me spending time on duolingo when I should be trying to earn money again. Whereas that's not at all what I have been planning to do recently, that particular 'should' has just jumped up and banged me on the nose again. Possibly I have had too much contact with FOO in the last month or two, even contact in my mind and thoughts.

I also remember being told at an inpatient trauma place years ago that if I intended to stay in contact with FOO in some form, even VLC I had to really make sure that I was well-grounded socially with trustworthy people where I now live. Whereas I don't feel well-grounded at all with people irl atm. More FOO (tho not really trustworthy) and fewer other people, partially because a lot of them turned out not to be so trustworthy and/or good for me. Of course, that brings up something else that I have been remembering the past few days: FOO either lamenting they didn't get to meet my friends (M), FOO nastily explaining that I didn't have any friends (B1) as a reason for FOO not meeting them, or even just being asked in a worried way if I had friends since I never seemed to talk about them (that's what one GrM did). I think GrM meant well, and I remember saying that I did have friends. It's true I did but I probably didn't talk about them because I wasn't used to doing that in FOO. I can imagine that I might have felt too protective due to the amount of scorn and criticism I heard about any of my life choices, even if GrM was generally supportive.

So, that's a fair bit that has come up recently. Tho there's more along those lines, but I can't extract it from my mind in words yet. 

#86

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by HannahOne - February 18, 2026, 01:45:47 AM

Back at you, TheBigBlue!    

#87

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by HannahOne - February 18, 2026, 01:44:48 AM

Thank you, Chart. I really appreciate the support. There is definitely commitment and love here, and understanding. Feeling grateful. And sad.

#88

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by HannahOne - February 18, 2026, 01:43:47 AM

Thank you NarcKiddo! I really appreciate the support.

This sucks.

thank you for reading and responding. Means a lot.

#89

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by HannahOne - February 18, 2026, 01:42:09 AM

NarcKiddo, thank you for your post.

I really struggle with self-doubt too. When triggered,    100%. Your experience makes sense to me.

Given our past experiences, it makes sense that we would have self-doubt, second-guess, feel unsure. But it's painful.

I'm sorry.

#90

Recovery Journals / Re: I Am

Last post by HannahOne - February 18, 2026, 01:36:33 AM

With you in the self-hatred today, Bach.

I'm going to try your strategy.

You are not alone.