Recent posts
#81
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / I’m ruining my husbands life
Last post by Stussy7 - February 19, 2026, 02:48:31 PMDoes anyone else suffer from guilt/shame/self hatred because of how our disease affects our spouse?
It is so hard for him to cope with all my issues. He often breaks down in tears due to all the stress, especially if he accidentally triggers me.
He used to be a happy guy, but after years of marriage to me, he's always struggling to cope. On one occasion he blew up and yelled at me "stop ruining my f#ck*ing life!"
Those words still haunt me to this day.
It is so hard for him to cope with all my issues. He often breaks down in tears due to all the stress, especially if he accidentally triggers me.
He used to be a happy guy, but after years of marriage to me, he's always struggling to cope. On one occasion he blew up and yelled at me "stop ruining my f#ck*ing life!"
Those words still haunt me to this day.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 19, 2026, 02:35:25 PMSo, remembering ACTIVATION is what finally got me out of bed and doing something this early afternoon. It's a different way of motivating myself, using a different term. And to do something active or even semi-active. To do something more with my body than my mind or my psyche. So not to head to my computer first thing and do my duolingo.
No, instead I lay on the floor and did some stretching type exercises. I let them flow from one to the other too, allowing my body to move as it would. One totally new one in there that is possibly not really healthy even, without lower back support, but something in me (a Part?) was inspired to move my legs that way. Later when I was back on my feet, I thought I should do some arm exercises maybe. (There's that should again.) Arms stuck (emotionally) so did shoulder circles instead. Activation. Better than not doing any body movement. A bit later I remembered to do some hip rotation while waiting for the kettle to boil.
So, activation off and on throughout day.
I'm certainly not understanding any blasphemy in there, san!
I heard at an ecumenical Ash Wednesday service a few years ago that giving up something for Lent is a way to get closer to God and not a way to lose weight or otherwise improve your physical health etc etc. So I'd say even deciding to say a prayer every day or going back to church once a week could be part of one's personal Lent (if you're Christian-leaning obviously.) For me, activating myself atm is a support for anything religious/spiritual. I won't pray lying in bed, I'll just doze off, so whatever gets me out of bed, even if I'm just remembering ACTIVATION, and gets me doing something as opposed to just thinking/writing/reading (tho that does have a place e.g. on here but not as first priority) may help me on towards something low-key spiritual/religious: watch Youtube church service and join in; sing hymns with my CDs; sing mantras with or without my CDs; go to a church service even, which always does me good in some way.
No, instead I lay on the floor and did some stretching type exercises. I let them flow from one to the other too, allowing my body to move as it would. One totally new one in there that is possibly not really healthy even, without lower back support, but something in me (a Part?) was inspired to move my legs that way. Later when I was back on my feet, I thought I should do some arm exercises maybe. (There's that should again.) Arms stuck (emotionally) so did shoulder circles instead. Activation. Better than not doing any body movement. A bit later I remembered to do some hip rotation while waiting for the kettle to boil.
So, activation off and on throughout day.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 19, 2026, 01:47:59 PMblueberry, i like the thought of adding something to your everyday rather than restricting something. something positive seems much more productive to me (regardless of the religious meaning behind the act of self-sacrifice) at this stage of recovery. in my mind, the powers that be, so to speak, would look kindly on someone adding something healthy to their lives, be it physical, mental, emotional. just my thoughts, and no blasphemy intended. love and hugs
I'm certainly not understanding any blasphemy in there, san!
I heard at an ecumenical Ash Wednesday service a few years ago that giving up something for Lent is a way to get closer to God and not a way to lose weight or otherwise improve your physical health etc etc. So I'd say even deciding to say a prayer every day or going back to church once a week could be part of one's personal Lent (if you're Christian-leaning obviously.) For me, activating myself atm is a support for anything religious/spiritual. I won't pray lying in bed, I'll just doze off, so whatever gets me out of bed, even if I'm just remembering ACTIVATION, and gets me doing something as opposed to just thinking/writing/reading (tho that does have a place e.g. on here but not as first priority) may help me on towards something low-key spiritual/religious: watch Youtube church service and join in; sing hymns with my CDs; sing mantras with or without my CDs; go to a church service even, which always does me good in some way.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 19, 2026, 02:09:39 PMQuote from: HannahOne on February 19, 2026, 01:35:45 AMHooray for activation!
I've recently joined a gym while doing PT and it is making a big difference. Being grounded in the here and now, the body, while music plays, and with others in the same space. Here's to forty days of active living!
for you HannahOne 
For me, activation is a little more low-key...
P.S. Hannah, there's also this thread https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16309.0 which is a follow-on from https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16116.0 It's a big forum and helpful threads quickly get lost if not used regularly / bumped. I have no objection to your chiming in on my thread and maybe you don't even need a communal thread like those I've linked, maybe not an issue for you at all, if so just ignore.
I even find it useful myself to go back to old threads, re-read and discover new aspects to my own recovery, which often happens when I link a thread for others
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 19, 2026, 01:58:25 PMthank you for your kind words, armee. really.
thanks for the hug, hannah1. and back atcha!
i'm quite worn out today, had a bunch of stuff i was going to do and just thinking about all of them last nite i knew it was too much. i have to pick up more thera-flu for my D - she's still congested and coughing and it's interfering w/ her sleep, which isn't good, and she still has a low-grade fever. i also have a Rx to pick up for myself from a different place. go to the food bank. and visit w/ my galpal, see her cousin whom i haven't seen for 40 yrs., and who is a staunch political advocate.
as i was thinking of all this last nite, it washed over me that i can't possibly do it all. going to my galpal's includes 1/2 of driving one way. so, i began ticking off things i can put off till sat., and now the only things i'm gonna do is get the medicine and go chat w/ the girls. plus hair and makeup, which i've only begun doing when i go somewhere, but it's still energy used.
can't wait till tomorrow. i can rest. my D is apologizing all over the place for being sick, and she knows she doesn't need to, but she also feels bad that i've had to do all this running around to make sure she's getting what she needs. i haven't driven this much in a week in so many years, probably the last time was when i took off for mexico.
but birds are singing this morning - that's my music, and one of them is a robin, and i love that. so, i've got a smile on my face in spite of everything.
thanks for the hug, hannah1. and back atcha!
i'm quite worn out today, had a bunch of stuff i was going to do and just thinking about all of them last nite i knew it was too much. i have to pick up more thera-flu for my D - she's still congested and coughing and it's interfering w/ her sleep, which isn't good, and she still has a low-grade fever. i also have a Rx to pick up for myself from a different place. go to the food bank. and visit w/ my galpal, see her cousin whom i haven't seen for 40 yrs., and who is a staunch political advocate.
as i was thinking of all this last nite, it washed over me that i can't possibly do it all. going to my galpal's includes 1/2 of driving one way. so, i began ticking off things i can put off till sat., and now the only things i'm gonna do is get the medicine and go chat w/ the girls. plus hair and makeup, which i've only begun doing when i go somewhere, but it's still energy used.
can't wait till tomorrow. i can rest. my D is apologizing all over the place for being sick, and she knows she doesn't need to, but she also feels bad that i've had to do all this running around to make sure she's getting what she needs. i haven't driven this much in a week in so many years, probably the last time was when i took off for mexico.
but birds are singing this morning - that's my music, and one of them is a robin, and i love that. so, i've got a smile on my face in spite of everything.
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 19, 2026, 01:47:59 PMblueberry, i like the thought of adding something to your everyday rather than restricting something. something positive seems much more productive to me (regardless of the religious meaning behind the act of self-sacrifice) at this stage of recovery. in my mind, the powers that be, so to speak, would look kindly on someone adding something healthy to their lives, be it physical, mental, emotional. just my thoughts, and no blasphemy intended. love and hugs
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 19, 2026, 01:39:13 PMknowing your own mind, knowing you - to me, that's huge. that you've never given it up, hannah1, shows not only the depth of your strength but of your determination to continue being you, being on this earth, taking up the space you're entitled to as one whole person. even as splintered as you may feel at times, i see a whole hannah1. i'm so glad you've never given her up. love and hugs
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 19, 2026, 01:32:45 PM
so glad you found us, PC, and found what matters most in your life. i'm glad you're here. love and hugs #88
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by dollyvee - February 19, 2026, 11:13:15 AMQuote from: Kizzie on February 16, 2026, 05:30:20 PMhis carried over to all my encounters with others and I kept losing myself. I did not know who I was and how to reside in my own body. I always allowed myself to be pulled out by others and the main strategy I had was to be overly interested in them and overly empathetic to anything they were going through. It was a kind of fawning response but it did keep me safe or so I thought.
Growing up in an NPD household as well, I find this very relatable. I really appreciated Ingrid Clayton's new take on fawning in her book Fawning. I think it reconfigures fawning as a trauma response, which is what I feel this "over-empathy/lack of Self" is. Also, I agree that it is so hard when you start to shift that focus and find that others aren't showing up for you in the way you'd like. For me, I think I have some scapegoat programming that leads me to think, it must be my fault, and start to shrink/doubt myself, or some sort of inner "basic fault" that believes that I'm not deserving of those things. It's hard sometimes to contextalize it, and begin to undo that wiring.
NK posted a video with Patrick Tehan and Ingrid Clayton a while back also that is very interesting. `
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by dollyvee - February 19, 2026, 08:42:26 AMQuote from: GoSlash27 on February 17, 2026, 12:53:23 PMsay all that to illustrate how deep my sense of self protection runs.
So I'm not negating or minimizing anyone's quest for forgiveness or reconciliation. It's just that I cannot even remotely relate to such concepts. Most people don't get a first chance from me, let alone a second.
Hey Slashy,
I wanted to say that I don't think you're a "bad" person for this. A lot of the times I feel like the "burden" of forgiveness is placed on the victim in order to ease the burden or the consciousness of the other person. For me, in my family, I was expected to forgive people who didn't see a problem in how they treated me because that's just how they were. To me forgiveness is also something that's wound up in the fawning trauma response where you are pacifying or appeasing to survive. Not that that's the case all the time for forgiveness.
I just wanted to say that I can understand why you might have that response to your brother.
Sending you support,
dolly
#90
Sexual Abuse / Re: how to bring up SA and sex...
Last post by LaylaDalal - February 19, 2026, 08:41:53 AMQuote from: Kizzie on February 18, 2026, 04:56:58 PMHey Layla, yes Wobbly has not been back on the forum since they posted unfortunately. I did want to say, however, to you and other members that oftentimes when someone posts to an old thread it sparks some good discussion around the topic. Plus, it helps you as the new poster to think through an issue yourself sometimes.
So I say even if a thread is old go ahead and post
Thank you Kizzie, that's great to hear! :-)