Recent posts
#81
Parenting / Re: Explaining your history to...
Last post by HannahOne - December 31, 2025, 01:12:45 PMChart, I'm so sorry you went through that with your mother. I can definitely relate. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's REALLY helpful to hear that others have experienced these things, even though my heart breaks for you and I wish you did not have to experience it.
Being literal, that hits it on the head. Part of my trouble is I have difficulty being direct about it. Being direct, or letting anyone find out what was going on, was punished. I have to sort that out before I can share the information with anyone let alone my kid. I am practicing here being more direct about it.
A family therapist is a good idea and I am going to put that on my list. I think it would help me a lot to feel there is someone "supervising" the interaction so that I'm sure it's not damaging for my kid. Thanks.
I need to take my time with this, I'm going to keep thinking about it.
Being literal, that hits it on the head. Part of my trouble is I have difficulty being direct about it. Being direct, or letting anyone find out what was going on, was punished. I have to sort that out before I can share the information with anyone let alone my kid. I am practicing here being more direct about it.
A family therapist is a good idea and I am going to put that on my list. I think it would help me a lot to feel there is someone "supervising" the interaction so that I'm sure it's not damaging for my kid. Thanks.
I need to take my time with this, I'm going to keep thinking about it.
#82
Recovery Journals / Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - December 31, 2025, 12:56:18 PMI don't know how much or how often I will write here. I am going through a challenging time, and I want to do it in a different way than in the past. I need to find a way to be with myself through this, and with others who understand the context of having been a neglected and abused child. Without that context my experience and my behavior doesn't make sense. When I share with people in my life "I feel anxious about X," no one knows the depth of that feeling because they don't have the context, and even if I gave them the information of the context, not having experienced CPTSD they still can't really understand. As I've read posts here, I know here people understand CPTSD.
Many people going through a struggle or illness have some of these reactions, but for me, these common grief reactions are resonating with a lifetime of grief and inflaming the wounds of my childhood, reawakening old thoughts, habits, beliefs, fears. All my life I've struggled with two main symptoms of CPTSD: Avoidance, and Re-experiencing or emotional flashbacks. I don't want to go into avoidance, or I'll forget appointments, not follow instructions, and neglect my health, but I also don't want to relive past emotions in my present situation. Maybe if I keep track of my experience by sharing it here, I'll find other ways of being with this experience than avoiding it and pretending it's not happening, or drowning in it and feeling this is the ONLY thing that's happening and it's a repeat of my childhood.
All my life I've been isolated in the sense that I never share my past. If anyone asks or notices anything about me, I just say "I was raised by wolves," as a joke and move on. I don't want to say that anymore, I would like to be more direct and clear, at least being able to say, "I had a challenging childhood" to give people some way to understand me. So I can kind of practice that here. I had a challenging childhood, LOL. I understand myself, but I often ignore or "forget" what I know and then become confused. Maybe journaling will help with that too.
TW as I will describe some of the triggers which include some references to abuse experiences but will not be graphic.
Some of the triggers are physical:
My temperature regulation is totally off and I'm always too hot, or I'm in a cold sweat. It's easy to start to feel panicked, like when I was hiding from abuse under my covers, or sweaty and running away.
My rib muscles are strained so I have pain or pressure in my chest and it's difficult to take deep breath at times. This feeling also makes me feel panic as in some of my trauma it was difficult to get a deep breath.
I can't use my arm the way I want, I have to be aware of not lifting heavy things. This makes me feel helpless, which is very scary as I felt helpless as a child, I was neglected. I start to feel like "I can't get food" or "I need water." I'm perfectly able to get myself food and water, but I have to do it more carefully, and that's scary for some reason. I feel compromised. I also feel restricted, which makes me feel like I need to run.
Some of the triggers are emotional or beliefs. I feel a lot of guilt. I was punished a lot as a child in unreasonable ways for unreasonable reasons. The triggers:
I can't help but feel that what I'm going through is a punishment for having been abused and not standing up for myself correctly as a child. I feel that I betrayed myself when I wept after being hit or apologized in order to end a tirade or went along with something I didn't want to do to avoid punishment, and now myself is taking revenge on me.
I feel this is a punishment for not doing enough healing work in therapy or not working hard. Even though I've been in therapy for thirty years.
Or a punishment for not being more integrated, not being more "out" about my past, for hiding my past or not living more directly or honestly and pretending I was a person who had a great childhood and that I was a person to whom nothing bad had ever happened.
Or a punishment for how I coped, by people-pleasing or avoiding conflict at work or at home, punishment for denial and telling myself and others "I'm fine" when I wasn't.
Or a punishment for not being able to speak up, or speak to, doctors, or to remember what they say and make sense of it, or kept up with my health better. I shut down around doctors and fawn or freeze, and often have to be sedated for basic exams, but now I'm having to see doctors who don't sedate, and I need to remember what they say. I'm afraid to bring anyone with me to the appointments.
Last, figuring out how to get help is very very triggering for me. TRIGGER WARNING for description of abuse: When I was an abused child age nine, at one point I was taken to the doctor. The doctor was concerned enough to send my mother out of the room so he could speak to me alone and do an exam. No nurse present. But what I experienced of the doctor's exam was abusive itself, and therapists have confirmed that what happened was completely outside the bounds of an exam and it was abusive. Aspects of it were inappropriate for a child exam no matter what. For me it's never the abuse itself that messes me up, it's how people respond to it and this is one example of how people responded: My mother demanded to know what he had done, and I couldn't really tell her as I was frozen. She was enraged after the appointment, at herself for leaving the room as she assumed he had abused me, but more at me, for allowing her to leave the room and being abused, and screamed at me all the way home, then told my dad I was a horrible person, I won't use the words she used. Of course she herself had been abused as a child, so I understand her reaction. But her reaction was confusing, and she was also abusive. I was never taken back to that doctor's office. As an adult I made a request for medical records, and the exam was noted, but not an accurate description of what I experienced. And I was sent back home to by parents, despite evidence noting signs of abuse in the record, and no treatment was provided. The help did not help, it made things worse.
So although I have had many wonderful doctors as an adult, I have a fundamental tangle around medical help. Having to see a lot of doctors now, and deciding who to trust, is very triggering.
Confusion itself is a trigger. The whole thing was very confusing because all the adults involved were abusing me, and all of them seemed angry at me for being abused, and all seemed to know the others were abusing me, but no one did anything about it except abuse me more for it.
That's the story of my whole childhood and that's where the wounding really is, my endless confusion and how people were behaving, who knew what and how to hide it from everyone while still getting enough to eat, drink, and medical care, confusion about what I had done that was so wrong to cause all of it, and continually being punished for the crime of having already been punished, or the crime of someone finding out I had been punished/abused. Or the crime of being confused.
I feel like I'm in an emotional flashback a lot lately where I'm just confused about what the doctors are advising, confused about their motives, why they are doing what they are doing, feeling they just want to hurt or wound me (which sounds crazy to write! but that's how I feel sometimes), confused about if they can see my past, what they make of "Why" I am sick, what they make of any scars or behaviors they see, and how if at all to tell them or explain why I can't speak or am shaking, feeling if I do tell them or they realize, it will make things worse....Confused about what's wrong with me and why I can't do all of this like a "normal" person. Until I remember CPTSD, I feel I need to tattoo "CPTSD" on my arm or something.
I'm also unable to tell anyone in my life that I'm even sick. It took me a month to tell my partner, but I'm not letting them be involved or come to appointments or read reports. I can't talk to them about how I feel, not because of who they are but because of who I am, it's too triggering, I'm afraid. And I told my therapist, and now I told a sibling but again they're not involved in the appointments or information. I can't seem to tell anyone else, it feels like revealing abuse, which was unsafe. So I've stopped responding to texts and calls from friends. To parents of my kids' friends, when I can't drive or can't get my kid to something, I don't know what to say about why. This experience makes me feel derealization which is a terrible feeling. I am having EF to being a child and managing two different realities, what's happening at home, and who I am at school, and acting "fine" while juggling a pack of hyenas and trying not to get bit.
This way of coping is already becoming even more isolating than my life already was as now I have another "secret" and something that is causing me to behave differently, but I can't explain. No one in my life knows of my past other than my partner, who I never really "told" they just figured it out over time, and of course my sibling who lived it too. I left home at 18, moved 500 miles away and went low/no contact. It worked for what it worked for but it doesn't entirely work to live as a person with no past. This is part of why I joined the forum.... and then I got sick! Irony, or an opportunity, I suppose. I haven't been this triggered in a very long time. I was just working on being more integrated, self-aware, and letting others become aware that my past was difficult, and now I'm REALLY having to make quick progress on that project!
I know that these are triggers, they are irrational thoughts and also common emotions for anyone with CPTSD. I know that I could CBT the thoughts. I could practice radical acceptance of the experience and work on emotional regulation and distress tolerance, as in DBT. I could welcome the feelings, as in parts work, and thank them for trying to help me solve this illness, understanding their good intent to protect me in ways that worked in the past, by making me think it's my fault, so I could control it and undo it. Or by confusing me so I don't get emotionally overwhelmed and am more numb. Or I could take these beliefs and emotional flashbacks to EMDR and bring the intensity down. I've done all of those things in the past. For today, I'll put them here.
Thank you all for reading, and for making this forum such a supportive place. I'm open to comments, shared experiences, support! I prefer not have a lot of advice because I'm going to get a lot of "eat this not that" and "don't use a microwave" and "just make a list of your questions" advice as people find out my situation. My problem isn't that I dont know what to do, it's that I can't do it because of CPTSD and I already feel bad that I am doing all of this so badly. It helps just to know other people also have experiences of CPTSD symptoms, have navigated living through and with a challenging childhood, and understand and support.
I hope that I will be able to keep writing and find a way to go through my experience as all of me, aware of my past but not re-experiencing it, living in the present but not avoiding my past, and with other people who understand the context I'm living in, the context of relational trauma, attachment wounding, childhood abuse and neglect. Then I will make sense to others and to myself, because we all know what makes it all make sense: CPTSD.
Many people going through a struggle or illness have some of these reactions, but for me, these common grief reactions are resonating with a lifetime of grief and inflaming the wounds of my childhood, reawakening old thoughts, habits, beliefs, fears. All my life I've struggled with two main symptoms of CPTSD: Avoidance, and Re-experiencing or emotional flashbacks. I don't want to go into avoidance, or I'll forget appointments, not follow instructions, and neglect my health, but I also don't want to relive past emotions in my present situation. Maybe if I keep track of my experience by sharing it here, I'll find other ways of being with this experience than avoiding it and pretending it's not happening, or drowning in it and feeling this is the ONLY thing that's happening and it's a repeat of my childhood.
All my life I've been isolated in the sense that I never share my past. If anyone asks or notices anything about me, I just say "I was raised by wolves," as a joke and move on. I don't want to say that anymore, I would like to be more direct and clear, at least being able to say, "I had a challenging childhood" to give people some way to understand me. So I can kind of practice that here. I had a challenging childhood, LOL. I understand myself, but I often ignore or "forget" what I know and then become confused. Maybe journaling will help with that too.
TW as I will describe some of the triggers which include some references to abuse experiences but will not be graphic.
Some of the triggers are physical:
My temperature regulation is totally off and I'm always too hot, or I'm in a cold sweat. It's easy to start to feel panicked, like when I was hiding from abuse under my covers, or sweaty and running away.
My rib muscles are strained so I have pain or pressure in my chest and it's difficult to take deep breath at times. This feeling also makes me feel panic as in some of my trauma it was difficult to get a deep breath.
I can't use my arm the way I want, I have to be aware of not lifting heavy things. This makes me feel helpless, which is very scary as I felt helpless as a child, I was neglected. I start to feel like "I can't get food" or "I need water." I'm perfectly able to get myself food and water, but I have to do it more carefully, and that's scary for some reason. I feel compromised. I also feel restricted, which makes me feel like I need to run.
Some of the triggers are emotional or beliefs. I feel a lot of guilt. I was punished a lot as a child in unreasonable ways for unreasonable reasons. The triggers:
I can't help but feel that what I'm going through is a punishment for having been abused and not standing up for myself correctly as a child. I feel that I betrayed myself when I wept after being hit or apologized in order to end a tirade or went along with something I didn't want to do to avoid punishment, and now myself is taking revenge on me.
I feel this is a punishment for not doing enough healing work in therapy or not working hard. Even though I've been in therapy for thirty years.
Or a punishment for not being more integrated, not being more "out" about my past, for hiding my past or not living more directly or honestly and pretending I was a person who had a great childhood and that I was a person to whom nothing bad had ever happened.
Or a punishment for how I coped, by people-pleasing or avoiding conflict at work or at home, punishment for denial and telling myself and others "I'm fine" when I wasn't.
Or a punishment for not being able to speak up, or speak to, doctors, or to remember what they say and make sense of it, or kept up with my health better. I shut down around doctors and fawn or freeze, and often have to be sedated for basic exams, but now I'm having to see doctors who don't sedate, and I need to remember what they say. I'm afraid to bring anyone with me to the appointments.
Last, figuring out how to get help is very very triggering for me. TRIGGER WARNING for description of abuse: When I was an abused child age nine, at one point I was taken to the doctor. The doctor was concerned enough to send my mother out of the room so he could speak to me alone and do an exam. No nurse present. But what I experienced of the doctor's exam was abusive itself, and therapists have confirmed that what happened was completely outside the bounds of an exam and it was abusive. Aspects of it were inappropriate for a child exam no matter what. For me it's never the abuse itself that messes me up, it's how people respond to it and this is one example of how people responded: My mother demanded to know what he had done, and I couldn't really tell her as I was frozen. She was enraged after the appointment, at herself for leaving the room as she assumed he had abused me, but more at me, for allowing her to leave the room and being abused, and screamed at me all the way home, then told my dad I was a horrible person, I won't use the words she used. Of course she herself had been abused as a child, so I understand her reaction. But her reaction was confusing, and she was also abusive. I was never taken back to that doctor's office. As an adult I made a request for medical records, and the exam was noted, but not an accurate description of what I experienced. And I was sent back home to by parents, despite evidence noting signs of abuse in the record, and no treatment was provided. The help did not help, it made things worse.
So although I have had many wonderful doctors as an adult, I have a fundamental tangle around medical help. Having to see a lot of doctors now, and deciding who to trust, is very triggering.
Confusion itself is a trigger. The whole thing was very confusing because all the adults involved were abusing me, and all of them seemed angry at me for being abused, and all seemed to know the others were abusing me, but no one did anything about it except abuse me more for it.
That's the story of my whole childhood and that's where the wounding really is, my endless confusion and how people were behaving, who knew what and how to hide it from everyone while still getting enough to eat, drink, and medical care, confusion about what I had done that was so wrong to cause all of it, and continually being punished for the crime of having already been punished, or the crime of someone finding out I had been punished/abused. Or the crime of being confused.
I feel like I'm in an emotional flashback a lot lately where I'm just confused about what the doctors are advising, confused about their motives, why they are doing what they are doing, feeling they just want to hurt or wound me (which sounds crazy to write! but that's how I feel sometimes), confused about if they can see my past, what they make of "Why" I am sick, what they make of any scars or behaviors they see, and how if at all to tell them or explain why I can't speak or am shaking, feeling if I do tell them or they realize, it will make things worse....Confused about what's wrong with me and why I can't do all of this like a "normal" person. Until I remember CPTSD, I feel I need to tattoo "CPTSD" on my arm or something.
I'm also unable to tell anyone in my life that I'm even sick. It took me a month to tell my partner, but I'm not letting them be involved or come to appointments or read reports. I can't talk to them about how I feel, not because of who they are but because of who I am, it's too triggering, I'm afraid. And I told my therapist, and now I told a sibling but again they're not involved in the appointments or information. I can't seem to tell anyone else, it feels like revealing abuse, which was unsafe. So I've stopped responding to texts and calls from friends. To parents of my kids' friends, when I can't drive or can't get my kid to something, I don't know what to say about why. This experience makes me feel derealization which is a terrible feeling. I am having EF to being a child and managing two different realities, what's happening at home, and who I am at school, and acting "fine" while juggling a pack of hyenas and trying not to get bit.
This way of coping is already becoming even more isolating than my life already was as now I have another "secret" and something that is causing me to behave differently, but I can't explain. No one in my life knows of my past other than my partner, who I never really "told" they just figured it out over time, and of course my sibling who lived it too. I left home at 18, moved 500 miles away and went low/no contact. It worked for what it worked for but it doesn't entirely work to live as a person with no past. This is part of why I joined the forum.... and then I got sick! Irony, or an opportunity, I suppose. I haven't been this triggered in a very long time. I was just working on being more integrated, self-aware, and letting others become aware that my past was difficult, and now I'm REALLY having to make quick progress on that project!
I know that these are triggers, they are irrational thoughts and also common emotions for anyone with CPTSD. I know that I could CBT the thoughts. I could practice radical acceptance of the experience and work on emotional regulation and distress tolerance, as in DBT. I could welcome the feelings, as in parts work, and thank them for trying to help me solve this illness, understanding their good intent to protect me in ways that worked in the past, by making me think it's my fault, so I could control it and undo it. Or by confusing me so I don't get emotionally overwhelmed and am more numb. Or I could take these beliefs and emotional flashbacks to EMDR and bring the intensity down. I've done all of those things in the past. For today, I'll put them here.
Thank you all for reading, and for making this forum such a supportive place. I'm open to comments, shared experiences, support! I prefer not have a lot of advice because I'm going to get a lot of "eat this not that" and "don't use a microwave" and "just make a list of your questions" advice as people find out my situation. My problem isn't that I dont know what to do, it's that I can't do it because of CPTSD and I already feel bad that I am doing all of this so badly. It helps just to know other people also have experiences of CPTSD symptoms, have navigated living through and with a challenging childhood, and understand and support.
I hope that I will be able to keep writing and find a way to go through my experience as all of me, aware of my past but not re-experiencing it, living in the present but not avoiding my past, and with other people who understand the context I'm living in, the context of relational trauma, attachment wounding, childhood abuse and neglect. Then I will make sense to others and to myself, because we all know what makes it all make sense: CPTSD.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 31, 2025, 12:54:21 PM
I'm not going to make you think more about this on New Year's Eve! So let me wish you all the best for 2026. And if you want to think about this sort of thing again then I am very happy to think about it with you.
< OOTS ice cream party. 
#84
General Discussion / What does "spiralling" mean?
Last post by Saluki - December 31, 2025, 01:10:50 AMI feel silly asking this question, but when someone tells me they're "spiralling", or saying "when I spiral", what does that mean?
I don't know what it means. Is it having a panic attack, or is it an ef or is it intrusive thoughts one can't control or is it a combination of many things? I hear the term a lot and I can't figure out if I "spiral" because I don't understand what it means. People use this term a lot so I feel like I need to know what it means! Thank you!
I don't know what it means. Is it having a panic attack, or is it an ef or is it intrusive thoughts one can't control or is it a combination of many things? I hear the term a lot and I can't figure out if I "spiral" because I don't understand what it means. People use this term a lot so I feel like I need to know what it means! Thank you!
#85
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Looking for hope...
Last post by HannahOne - December 31, 2025, 12:02:35 AMHi Ray.
Welcome to the Forum! Glad you found your way here. I'm relatively new as well.
I do think healing is possible, I know it is, because I've experienced it.
Can I ever be someone to whom my life did not happen? No. Can I become someone who is content much of the time, reasonably functional, more self-aware, often curious, even confident? Yes!
I'm one of many here who report that at some point in midlife age 40-50 or so, we hit some kind of wall. Whether years of white-knuckling or denial catch up to us, or whether we experience a trauma or betrayal that seems to re-inflame old wounds, or whether midlife just hits different when you have a trauma background, it seems not uncommon to have a time of worsening symptoms at some point. Hopelessness can be a symptom of trauma.
I hope that as you read past posts you begin to see a way forward for yourself.
Personally, I wouldn't be where I am without therapy and I encourage everyone to seek a good trauma-informed, psychodynamic or attachment oriented therapist whenever possible. We absolutely can heal, and, it's tough to heal from relational trauma alone.
Welcome to the Forum! Glad you found your way here. I'm relatively new as well.
I do think healing is possible, I know it is, because I've experienced it.
Can I ever be someone to whom my life did not happen? No. Can I become someone who is content much of the time, reasonably functional, more self-aware, often curious, even confident? Yes!
I'm one of many here who report that at some point in midlife age 40-50 or so, we hit some kind of wall. Whether years of white-knuckling or denial catch up to us, or whether we experience a trauma or betrayal that seems to re-inflame old wounds, or whether midlife just hits different when you have a trauma background, it seems not uncommon to have a time of worsening symptoms at some point. Hopelessness can be a symptom of trauma.
I hope that as you read past posts you begin to see a way forward for yourself.
Personally, I wouldn't be where I am without therapy and I encourage everyone to seek a good trauma-informed, psychodynamic or attachment oriented therapist whenever possible. We absolutely can heal, and, it's tough to heal from relational trauma alone.
#86
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New-ish
Last post by HannahOne - December 30, 2025, 11:55:50 PMQuote from: Blueberry on December 30, 2025, 07:21:01 AMWelcome HannahHi Blueberry! Thanks for commenting.Glad you found us and have started writing about your experiences. Tho pleased to hear you've been reading too because there is a lot of worthwhile information to be gleaned from multiple posts.
I have learned so much, and FELT so much, reading everyone's posts. Really putting my life in perspective.
#87
Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...
Last post by Chart - December 30, 2025, 09:45:31 PMHello Asdis, I'm here and I have witnessed your pain. I am thinking about you and sending thoughts of simplicity and balance.
Much love, chart
Much love, chart
#88
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Looking for hope...
Last post by Chart - December 30, 2025, 07:29:05 PMQuote from: ray.valdez on December 30, 2025, 05:08:30 AMNow, I'm all alone in the hardest moments of my life and I don't see a meaningful future for me. It's been so long, too long, and I've had no enduring relief from my CPTSD. If anything, it's gotten worse in the last four years.
Hi Ray, Welcome to the Forum. I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. I'd like to give you my opinion regarding a couple questions and observations you have posed.
There is a general undercurrent belief that Cptsd does not get worse. What happens however, is that we become more conscious of what happened to us, and that realization is extremely triggering and can be a great cause of increased pain. For many many trauma survivors, there is a long period of coming to terms with what actually happened. It (rightfully so) remains incredibly difficult to realize just how bad things were. This process is discussed in depth in Pete Walker's seminal work, "Cptsd, From Surviving to Thriving". I don't know if you are familiar with his books, but if not it is an excellent starting point and even contains incredible insights for those who have been conscious of their pathology for awhile.
Quote from: ray.valdez on December 30, 2025, 05:08:30 AMI guess my question now is if healing is even possible. I wonder, are there any people out there who have actually healed from CPTSD? What helped you? Is there any hope for me??
It it course matters what you mean by "healing". Healing from developmental trauma is comparable to other physical injuries. Healing occurs, but there remain scars. And often, the wound causes pain even after all has "healed". And someone who has lost a leg, cannot expect it to grow back. Does this mean they are not healed? Does this mean they cannot lead a meaningful life? Wounds, even serious ones, do not imply there is no longer meaning in life.
So, in my opinion, yes, there is hope for you. Please see yourself as I see you right now. You are here reading these words. Yesterday, you did not know what you would do or where you would go. Today you have taken a chance to reach out, question, seek, communicate, try to find answers to the things that are the most important. Why are we here? What are we doing? What brings joy? Why so much pain? I think many people just turn on their tv and ignore their pain. You have not done that. For me, You are the definition of Hope.
I could have died in my mother's womb. I lived in extremely adverse conditions for four years and then suffered the toxic behavior of another care-giver who was impelled to strangle and manipulate to ease her own pain. I lived in fear, anxiety and depression for fifty years. I searched the whole time for answers. It was a long road, but now I know. I understand the mechanisms on a corporal, mental and spiritual level. I've instituted practices that help me on a daily basis. I have a great relationship with my two youngest children. I have made connection and friends who understand my experience, as it is nearly the same as their own.
I want to improve, and struggle still. But now I have the key, it's called developmental trauma, and there are things that I can do. Ultimately, I'm on the right path and the healing has become the journey, not the goal.
Again, welcome. Looking forward to sharing our experiences and this strange voyage together.
Chart
#89
Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...
Last post by asdis - December 30, 2025, 07:14:18 PMQuote from: Blueberry on November 12, 2025, 07:25:41 AMasdis, my heart goes out to you.
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - December 30, 2025, 06:50:36 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on December 22, 2025, 04:34:52 PMGabor Mate, who writes a lot about addiction, says that it can be helpful to examine what the good things are about using whatever it may be. What does it provide? He points out that in the absence of physiological addictions via their mothers, babies are not born addicted. At some point somebody tries something and wham! It has an effect they want to repeat. He also posits that no substance on earth can be described as intrinsically addictive, because there are many people who can dabble even with stuff like heroin and not become addicted. Therefore, in working out why we reach for whatever, we need to think about what we like about it. It has to be doing something that feels good or reducing something that feels bad. Once we truly work out what service it is actually providing we can give better consideration to whether that can be addressed by something else.
I guess you maybe could think about what cannabis does that ice cream does not.
This is interesting and useful stuff, NK. I'm thinking about how I have at times in my life smoked cigarettes but have never been addicted to the point where I wasn't able to just decide I wanted to put them down and then do it. And I know that some people have terrible addiction problems with klonopin, but I've had a low-dose scrip for that for 30+ years and the only time I've taken it even once daily for more than a week was after 9/11. I attribute this not so much to my good habits and self-discipline as to the fact that those substances just don't do anything majorly exciting for me. Cigarettes were more of a social thing for me, and klonopin is useful but only in occasional small doses to supplement all the other mental and physical coping methods I've developed to manage my anxieties. It's very effective in that capacity without too much downside, but it doesn't give me any enjoyable feelings in and of itself, and gets evil very quickly if I take too much or take it too often.
My remark about ice cream was sort of a joke. I do love ice cream, but I've never been "addicted" to it the way I am or have been addicted to cannabis. Ice cream was a too-frequent binge event for me but not a daily preoccupation. And ice cream never helped me function. Cannabis does in a weird way help me function. It's something of a stimulant for me. It doesn't always feel GOOD, but it makes me feel like doing constructive things. I figured out a couple of years ago that I easily default to a state of freeze these days, and cannabis can kind of prod me out of that. It enables me to feel my body more clearly. It also helps with the suicide voices. Again, it doesn't necessarily make me feel GOOD if I'm feeling that kind of bad, but it sort of changes how the badness feels, turns it more outward than inward.
The big downside is that the positive effects don't always last that long and my tolerance builds quickly, which leads to overconsumption which increases negative effects. The main negative effects are that it can make me irritable and more easily triggered into fight-or-flight, it unbalances my appetite and makes it very hard for me to not either overeat or undereat, and it messes with my sleep. So, yeah, lots of upside when I'm using it mindfully and moderately, lots of downside when I'm in tired old compulsive unrewarding use patterns.
Yeccch. I HATE thinking about this!