Recent posts
#81
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Beating myself up for being ne...
Last post by Desert Flower - September 05, 2025, 11:47:56 AMAnother thing I didn't like about myself this week was being needy. It only dawned on me in hindsight unfortunately.
This week was pretty intense and I knew it might become difficult. It was the first week of our kids going back to school after the holidays, and I had too much work to get done, a training session of a whole day, all of it triggers my I-need-to-do-everything-right-or-else-...-response. All-or-nothing - thinking. It will all be my fault. They will all hate me.
For some of it, I might actually think I did quite well, I took some breaks, kept my cool. But during the week, it did indeed get a little too much, I was getting a little anxious and then I allowed myself to feel the anxiety which was well done again actually. I hope I'm making sense here.
But then on the Thursday we had this outing from work, which included some 'nice' activities at the beach which should really have been nice, I love the beach, and I had chosen the less competitive activity (which still bring out the same response from me actually), and I also knew this was gonna be difficult because I actually do not know many of the people in my department. The thing is, most of my team was transferred to another department a little while ago and the ones that are still in my team were gonna be absent that day. So I knew I was gonna fall into my pattern of fawning a lot. I had promised myself I would take some time out if needed and take a walk on my own along the beach, but it turned out I got so involved in getting everyone to like me, that I totally forgot.
And the worst thing was, I feal really ashamed about myself for this and I actually disgust myself thinking about it. I had this idea I wanted to get to know our director better because he seems like a nice person. He has not been with the dept that long and I had been sick/absent quite a few times, so there had not been much opportunity to do so before. And I had this idea that we all tend to hide too much of who we really are at work, pretending to be better than we are, never having any problems which I think is ridiculous really, so instead we should practice 'The power of vulnerability', empowering - kind of thing. So I got to talking to the director and before long I started spilling everything, about me having problems with anxiety, having learned so much these last few years, feeling much better etc. etc.
And he reacted kind of okay, but not really compassionate (as my closer managers have so far, they have been wonderful actually), not quite the reaction I was looking for really. And now I feel horrible and stupid for spilling my guts. In my country, it's still 'not done' to talk about psychological problems to your boss really, for they will think you're difficult, incompetent etc. etc. Which I am not.
And I've been thinking, this was really the needy side of me coming out. It wasn't as rational or empowering as I thought I was being at all. This really was the little kid in me needing to be seen, needing to be acknowledged, needing to be told I was doing great, to be told I'm okay. This need is just so huge still. And of course he didn't give me what I need at all. And I shouldn't have expected him to give me this either.
So now I'm trying not to beat myself up for being so stupid. This really is a valid need that little me has, it was never fulfilled before. But I really don't like the way I handled this.
(I'm so happy this forum is here, I would not dare to tell anyone in the real world.)
This week was pretty intense and I knew it might become difficult. It was the first week of our kids going back to school after the holidays, and I had too much work to get done, a training session of a whole day, all of it triggers my I-need-to-do-everything-right-or-else-...-response. All-or-nothing - thinking. It will all be my fault. They will all hate me.
For some of it, I might actually think I did quite well, I took some breaks, kept my cool. But during the week, it did indeed get a little too much, I was getting a little anxious and then I allowed myself to feel the anxiety which was well done again actually. I hope I'm making sense here.
But then on the Thursday we had this outing from work, which included some 'nice' activities at the beach which should really have been nice, I love the beach, and I had chosen the less competitive activity (which still bring out the same response from me actually), and I also knew this was gonna be difficult because I actually do not know many of the people in my department. The thing is, most of my team was transferred to another department a little while ago and the ones that are still in my team were gonna be absent that day. So I knew I was gonna fall into my pattern of fawning a lot. I had promised myself I would take some time out if needed and take a walk on my own along the beach, but it turned out I got so involved in getting everyone to like me, that I totally forgot.
And the worst thing was, I feal really ashamed about myself for this and I actually disgust myself thinking about it. I had this idea I wanted to get to know our director better because he seems like a nice person. He has not been with the dept that long and I had been sick/absent quite a few times, so there had not been much opportunity to do so before. And I had this idea that we all tend to hide too much of who we really are at work, pretending to be better than we are, never having any problems which I think is ridiculous really, so instead we should practice 'The power of vulnerability', empowering - kind of thing. So I got to talking to the director and before long I started spilling everything, about me having problems with anxiety, having learned so much these last few years, feeling much better etc. etc.
And he reacted kind of okay, but not really compassionate (as my closer managers have so far, they have been wonderful actually), not quite the reaction I was looking for really. And now I feel horrible and stupid for spilling my guts. In my country, it's still 'not done' to talk about psychological problems to your boss really, for they will think you're difficult, incompetent etc. etc. Which I am not.
And I've been thinking, this was really the needy side of me coming out. It wasn't as rational or empowering as I thought I was being at all. This really was the little kid in me needing to be seen, needing to be acknowledged, needing to be told I was doing great, to be told I'm okay. This need is just so huge still. And of course he didn't give me what I need at all. And I shouldn't have expected him to give me this either.
So now I'm trying not to beat myself up for being so stupid. This really is a valid need that little me has, it was never fulfilled before. But I really don't like the way I handled this.
(I'm so happy this forum is here, I would not dare to tell anyone in the real world.)
#82
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / The style I present is not the...
Last post by Desert Flower - September 05, 2025, 10:56:55 AMSomething that's been on my mind is the style I present is not the style I prefer.
This week I had a training session at work that included a test of our listening styles. The four styles as I remembered, are:
- person oriented: the listener focuses on the speaker, acknowledging/reassuring the listener, seeing how the speaker feels, tuning into the speaker, etc.
- task oriented: the listener is focusing on what to do with the information the speaker is sending
- content oriented: the listener is trying to sort out the information, is any information missing, is the information consistent etc
- time oriented: the listener is concerned with keeping the conversation within the set timeframe.
Here is a website with these listening styles: https://newsmoor.com/types-of-listening-styles-are-people-content-action-time-oriented/
As it turned out, the style I usually present is person and time oriented. But the thing is, I later realised that these styles, for me, are largely fear driven. As I'm listening, I fear the other person (the speaker) will not like me (and will consequently hurt me) so I tune in with how they feel, try to make sure they feel all right, try to make sure they like me. That is, fawning and forgetting how I feel, whether I like them or not etc.
Or I'm afraid to get 'punished' for making the conversation last too long, trespassing the set time limits.
While really, at work, I want to make sure to get all the information I need so I can perform my tasks. So on the inside, I am actually task and content oriented. Only, I will be afraid to ask for all the information I need, asking too much of the other person (the speaker), taking too much of their time, etc.
So what I learned is what I really wanna do is NOT care so much how the other person feels, but get MY needs met instead. A recurring theme. These patterns are hard to change.
This week I had a training session at work that included a test of our listening styles. The four styles as I remembered, are:
- person oriented: the listener focuses on the speaker, acknowledging/reassuring the listener, seeing how the speaker feels, tuning into the speaker, etc.
- task oriented: the listener is focusing on what to do with the information the speaker is sending
- content oriented: the listener is trying to sort out the information, is any information missing, is the information consistent etc
- time oriented: the listener is concerned with keeping the conversation within the set timeframe.
Here is a website with these listening styles: https://newsmoor.com/types-of-listening-styles-are-people-content-action-time-oriented/
As it turned out, the style I usually present is person and time oriented. But the thing is, I later realised that these styles, for me, are largely fear driven. As I'm listening, I fear the other person (the speaker) will not like me (and will consequently hurt me) so I tune in with how they feel, try to make sure they feel all right, try to make sure they like me. That is, fawning and forgetting how I feel, whether I like them or not etc.
Or I'm afraid to get 'punished' for making the conversation last too long, trespassing the set time limits.
While really, at work, I want to make sure to get all the information I need so I can perform my tasks. So on the inside, I am actually task and content oriented. Only, I will be afraid to ask for all the information I need, asking too much of the other person (the speaker), taking too much of their time, etc.
So what I learned is what I really wanna do is NOT care so much how the other person feels, but get MY needs met instead. A recurring theme. These patterns are hard to change.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Chart - September 05, 2025, 10:37:06 AMQuote from: sanmagic7 on September 01, 2025, 11:54:39 AMhowever, your intelligence, determination, and willingness to look both inside and outside yourself is intact. you are writing here trying to figure out how to move forward from all that happened to you. that's no mean feat, certainly not easy. still, you persist, and for that you deserve all kinds of credit.For me the "measure of success" is not where I'm at, but how far I've come. I have a list of things I'd like to accomplish, but I also realize it may never happen. And it's exactly there that I have compassion, understanding and forgiveness for myself. A kid who inherits their parents wealth travels far less along the road of development. Those with Cptsd can in contrast cover millions of miles more in realizations and awareness. Though the world will likely never know our names, we have nonetheless already succeeded in the love and touch of comprehension for what it truly means to exist and share and comprehend.
As such we are gold-medal champions.
I think you are spectacular, Bach. Keep going. Love what you are, and enjoy as much as you can. For the rest, breath and forgive. All will change, transform and grow. There is no end, only eternal beginnings but often on terrible paths. Which we progress upon against all odds.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Nearlythere - September 05, 2025, 06:06:10 AMHi Bach,
I'm new here, I haven't read the entire thread of this chat though I do recognise the general frustrations as I have suffered much too. You might want to read 'Transforming the living legacy of trauma' by Janina Fisher. I found it very helpful.
I'm new here, I haven't read the entire thread of this chat though I do recognise the general frustrations as I have suffered much too. You might want to read 'Transforming the living legacy of trauma' by Janina Fisher. I found it very helpful.
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - September 05, 2025, 02:09:44 AMMy idea is that if I liked myself more I'd take better care of myself. But maybe that's backwards. Maybe it's that if I took better care of myself I'd like myself more. Chicken/egg? I long to take better care of myself, but, plans, resolutions and positive self-talk notwithstanding, I just don't seem to quite be able to do it.
I always have this idea that "maybe tomorrow it will be different." Tomorrow I will feel better, do better, be better. I need, of course, to start making "tomorrow" into "TODAY". It could happen. Maybe that's what my theoretical positive self-talk tape needs to say.
I always have this idea that "maybe tomorrow it will be different." Tomorrow I will feel better, do better, be better. I need, of course, to start making "tomorrow" into "TODAY". It could happen. Maybe that's what my theoretical positive self-talk tape needs to say.
#86
The Cafe / Re: Favourite Quotes - Part 3
Last post by AR - September 05, 2025, 01:17:40 AM"Do not let this world dishearten you. The first step is to see it for what it is: shaped for the very purpose of demoralizing you.
Modern society is a soulless machine designed to create soulless individuals.
It was built to harvest your emotional and spiritual energy to keep it alive and thriving. Do not give it to them.
Civilization is the great fire of our collective effort as a race. Each spark, regardless of the brevity of its lifespan, plays its part in the grand design, before returning to the ethereal firmament from which it came. What will you do? What mark will you leave?
You are not alone, and you know this in your heart and bones. You are blessed with imesurable wealth, for you have your people, and your people has you.
Nothing can stop us from reclaiming our world. Believe it. Know it to be so.
In this hour of dire need the ancestral drums are sounding, ever louder. Do you hear the call? It demands your attendance at the front lines of destiny."
-wandering spArtan
Modern society is a soulless machine designed to create soulless individuals.
It was built to harvest your emotional and spiritual energy to keep it alive and thriving. Do not give it to them.
Civilization is the great fire of our collective effort as a race. Each spark, regardless of the brevity of its lifespan, plays its part in the grand design, before returning to the ethereal firmament from which it came. What will you do? What mark will you leave?
You are not alone, and you know this in your heart and bones. You are blessed with imesurable wealth, for you have your people, and your people has you.
Nothing can stop us from reclaiming our world. Believe it. Know it to be so.
In this hour of dire need the ancestral drums are sounding, ever louder. Do you hear the call? It demands your attendance at the front lines of destiny."
-wandering spArtan
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More ...
Last post by Blueberry - September 04, 2025, 09:25:10 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on August 30, 2025, 02:20:42 PMbut i can be proud of what i did accomplish in that time, and i hope you can do the same for you. well done! love and hugsUnfortunately I'm not too good at being proud of self in this state. ICr gets going
#88
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by Hope67 - September 04, 2025, 06:34:57 PMHi Nearlythere,
Welcome
I really found your progress to be so positive and it's I also very much appreciate the work of Janina Fisher. It's great to hear your experiences and I feel sure you'll find kindred spirits here.
Hope
Welcome
I really found your progress to be so positive and it's I also very much appreciate the work of Janina Fisher. It's great to hear your experiences and I feel sure you'll find kindred spirits here.
Hope
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - September 04, 2025, 06:29:52 PM09-04-2025
Shorty today. Car is still running well. Is throwing a code for the fuel vapor purge. I need to change all the rubber hoses. Considering that I'm pretty sure that they are 20+ years old .. yeah.
BP was really good this AM 123/82 which for my level of experience is really good. chuckle
Have a busy day tomorrow. Follow up appt with the PCP and then a meeting with another paper pusher to see if I "qualify" for a sliding fee program at 1 of the 2 hospitals that I ended up at last month.
I also need to call the first hospital to see if they have something like that as well.
Kinda nuts since I'm still paying for the so called "legal services" from back when I got single again.
Not to mention credit cards that I've had to use to span some gaps. No lie I'm making decent wages but .. by the time I get anything I can use, 36% has been taken off the top. There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.
Wishing all the best to all here.
Shorty today. Car is still running well. Is throwing a code for the fuel vapor purge. I need to change all the rubber hoses. Considering that I'm pretty sure that they are 20+ years old .. yeah.
BP was really good this AM 123/82 which for my level of experience is really good. chuckle
Have a busy day tomorrow. Follow up appt with the PCP and then a meeting with another paper pusher to see if I "qualify" for a sliding fee program at 1 of the 2 hospitals that I ended up at last month.
I also need to call the first hospital to see if they have something like that as well.
Kinda nuts since I'm still paying for the so called "legal services" from back when I got single again.
Not to mention credit cards that I've had to use to span some gaps. No lie I'm making decent wages but .. by the time I get anything I can use, 36% has been taken off the top. There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.
Wishing all the best to all here.
#90
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello
Last post by Nearlythere - September 04, 2025, 05:48:54 PMHi all,
Since discovering Pete Walkers website some 15 years or so back I have been slowly working my way through the myriad of issues associated with this *. If its considered abuse I can pretty much say I went through it.
I am now at a stage where dissociation rarely happens and where mostly I can recongnise triggers and regulate the resultant emotions. MOSTLY. There are times though where it all crashes down again. Safety is so tenuous. Hypervigilance and hyperarousal are so powerful that still after 15 years I still get dragged into very deep dark places. It is there now that the work is done, scary as it is. Petriyingly so at times.
I am 58 and have known something was wrong since a very young age. I thought, as I guess many if not all do, that something was wrong with me, it was my fault. I now know it was something I was not given (Love, compassion, time, attention, hugs, comfort etc) and many things I was forced to accept in there place that I confused with the above and then created the behavioral patterns that are so hard to step out of.
Firstly and with the help of my partner (a wonderful lady) I started to walk headlong into the hurt, this brought about many non epileptic seizure events coupled with terrifyingly vivid regressions... After about 2 years these reduced and now rarely happen, I was petrified the 1st time but I soon began to welcome the release and growth they gave. The tears and the tears and laughter combinations were so healing.
Later thanks to 2 great therapists, firstly 1 from the Janine Fisher school of trauma therapy coupled with emdr. Then these last years another, who after I discovering IFS from Janine's writing, has guided my journey of releasing trapped parts and reparenting these very hurt versions of myself.
IFS I found to be very intuitive after I got over the something in me is talking to me 'just accept it' hurdle. In the beginning release was rapid and progress was it seemed going to lead to a full healing in a short time, magical thinking. Unfortunately the more layers you remove from the onion the harder it is to get to grips with the core issues, the more it goes silent... the deeper non verbal traumas bring the hardest to reach and the scariest when triggered.
They can be reached with patience and I now find sitting in the pain after being triggered is the way on occasion to contact and release these parts.
(I said at the start of this journey after trying quick fix ideas like hypnotherapy that the only way I can see to get out of this is to go back the way I came in and its basically what I've done)
As much as I have joined this community for any further insights it may bring I think I am more in need of kindred spirits.. I have tried to find groups to be able to meet with others who have to deal with these issues where I live but it is proving difficult, its a non English speaking land.
Some friends who know how this all feels near me would be my ultimate aim here but having not read all the do's and don't I'm not sure I can mention where that is... 🤔
I would like to mentor those starting on this journey where possible and to have folk I could turn too when it crashes without putting all on my lady.
So there you have it...
Since discovering Pete Walkers website some 15 years or so back I have been slowly working my way through the myriad of issues associated with this *. If its considered abuse I can pretty much say I went through it.
I am now at a stage where dissociation rarely happens and where mostly I can recongnise triggers and regulate the resultant emotions. MOSTLY. There are times though where it all crashes down again. Safety is so tenuous. Hypervigilance and hyperarousal are so powerful that still after 15 years I still get dragged into very deep dark places. It is there now that the work is done, scary as it is. Petriyingly so at times.
I am 58 and have known something was wrong since a very young age. I thought, as I guess many if not all do, that something was wrong with me, it was my fault. I now know it was something I was not given (Love, compassion, time, attention, hugs, comfort etc) and many things I was forced to accept in there place that I confused with the above and then created the behavioral patterns that are so hard to step out of.
Firstly and with the help of my partner (a wonderful lady) I started to walk headlong into the hurt, this brought about many non epileptic seizure events coupled with terrifyingly vivid regressions... After about 2 years these reduced and now rarely happen, I was petrified the 1st time but I soon began to welcome the release and growth they gave. The tears and the tears and laughter combinations were so healing.
Later thanks to 2 great therapists, firstly 1 from the Janine Fisher school of trauma therapy coupled with emdr. Then these last years another, who after I discovering IFS from Janine's writing, has guided my journey of releasing trapped parts and reparenting these very hurt versions of myself.
IFS I found to be very intuitive after I got over the something in me is talking to me 'just accept it' hurdle. In the beginning release was rapid and progress was it seemed going to lead to a full healing in a short time, magical thinking. Unfortunately the more layers you remove from the onion the harder it is to get to grips with the core issues, the more it goes silent... the deeper non verbal traumas bring the hardest to reach and the scariest when triggered.
They can be reached with patience and I now find sitting in the pain after being triggered is the way on occasion to contact and release these parts.
(I said at the start of this journey after trying quick fix ideas like hypnotherapy that the only way I can see to get out of this is to go back the way I came in and its basically what I've done)
As much as I have joined this community for any further insights it may bring I think I am more in need of kindred spirits.. I have tried to find groups to be able to meet with others who have to deal with these issues where I live but it is proving difficult, its a non English speaking land.
Some friends who know how this all feels near me would be my ultimate aim here but having not read all the do's and don't I'm not sure I can mention where that is... 🤔
I would like to mentor those starting on this journey where possible and to have folk I could turn too when it crashes without putting all on my lady.
So there you have it...