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#81

Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...

Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 11:56:54 AM

I don't want to be almost okay all the time, pretend I'm okay and keep pushing through anymore. I'm not okay.

Hey DF, I hear you. I feel exactly the same. I keep reflecting in my mind about "constant pain". I compare myself to others and wonder if they experience "constant pain" like I do. My conclusion is, no. Aside from people here on the Forum, people who know they suffer from Cptsd, no... there is an absence of that deep deep understanding. For me it goes deep. But I don't want to be a "martyr" either! I hate that idea. Honestly, I'm not sure what I want, excepting the idea you wrote too:

I want this to go away.

I feel like that's the little child in me... please please please just make this go away... We all know, there are days when this feeling pushes us to our absolute maximum. Truly, the triggered worst of the worst... a place I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy...
And then you wrote this:

I know I can feel better.

Thank you DF, that said it (for me). No platitudes, no fancy metaphor... just fact. That sentence evolves beyond the idea of acceptance (which I personally believe in, but that's just me, and it doesn't mean giving in or giving up...) Your sentence is agency. "Determination" is too strong a word for me, because I'm more often than not a blob of miserable inability... but nonetheless, I know you are right, because I have and continue to experience just that... I feel WAAAAY better than I did two years ago. And it's SOOO important that I remember, remind, reinforce it in my head. Cause the contrast is just so powerful still... And now I'm rambling in your journal :-)
I've just thought of Carolyn Spring and how she phrases it, "I'm not exactly where I want to be... yet."
Thanks DF, sending love...

#82

AV - Avoidance / Re: Fearful avoidance

Last post by dollyvee - December 01, 2025, 11:46:51 AM

Hi Ran,

I also have a distrust of peoples' intentions and often jump to the conclusion that they are trying to hurt me. Like you, I'm also fearful avoidant. I found Heidi Priebe's videos to be interesting on attachment theory, though I think the ones that have had the biggest impact are Jay Reid's videos on growing up as a scapegoat child. I also find IFS to be helpful though am working on connecting with Self more due to preverbal trauma (I think this is where the Jay Reid videos come in).

Sending you support,
dolly

#83

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head

Last post by dollyvee - December 01, 2025, 11:42:13 AM

Hi Ladyboar,

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your cat. It made such a huge impact on me when mine passed away as well.

I also understand the feelings of was it that bad? I struggled with this for a very long time because of all the "love" my family gave me. If you're interested, I just finished reading I'm Glad My Mom Died, which dealt with that idea as well, and how a parent/caregiver can be loving and abusive at the same time. I also got a lot from Believe Me by Judith (?), which was about being gaslit by her m about the abuse she endured.

Sending you support for your journey,
dolly

#84

Successes, Progress? / Re: Setting boundaries

Last post by dollyvee - December 01, 2025, 11:36:45 AM

Good for you for saying no. I remember being filled ovewhelmingly with guilt when I did that with my gm because she "loved" me. It was a difficult thing to go through. I hope you can hold onto this feeling and moment for those times when your guard might be down.

Sending you support,
dolly

#85

Recovery Journals / Re: I Am

Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 11:19:26 AM

 

#86

Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey

Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 11:15:40 AM

I'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.

Ran,
This sounds to me like very toxic behavior on the part of your father. As a father myself, I have learned, and I try, to support my children in their endeavors. Additionally, parents are financially responsible for their children, their well-being, their mental and physical health, etc, until a certain age. And in many countries (like here in France) and cultures, the law stipulates that parents continue being financially responsible for their children well into their twenties. Parents cannot just "cast-off" their kids. So the fact that your parents are still supporting you financially and with lodging while you pursue your medical studies is ABSOLUTELY normal and part of the order of Nature. This is what parents do! I imagine that you are active in the house and participate in helping their needs as well. This is all perfectly normal. I have said this before, and I am not alone in this opinion: Children owe NOTHING to their parents. As a parent myself, I cannot expect financial, emotional, physical support from my children. I CHOSE to have children, and I engaged in an obligation to raise them to the best of my ability. My children "owe" me nothing for the things I have done for them. This is the cycle of life and the natural order of things.

This fact seems to be incredibly blurred and twisted around the world in many many families...

I am very sorry, Ran, that your father and others are treating you this way. You do not deserve this kind of treatment and it is not an indication of who you are as a person.

I hope that you can find a way to distance yourself from this "toxic treatment". It's not easy, I know...

Sending support.
 

#87

Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...

Last post by Desert Flower - December 01, 2025, 11:06:07 AM

Called in sick today. I don't want to be almost okay all the time, pretend I'm okay and keep pushing through anymore. I'm not okay.
Had a dentist apointment today. That was triggering and painful, on the verge or tears again.
I want this to go away. I know I can feel better.

#88

Recovery Journals / Re: I Am

Last post by TheBigBlue - December 01, 2025, 03:28:46 AM

That sounds incredibly heavy and hard, Bach. Feeling so full and yet unable to let any of it out... I really get why you'd want something to finally move. Crying, screaming - anything to release the pressure. You're not broken for being numb right now. Sometimes the system just shuts everything down when it's been too much for too long. It's a kind of protection, even if it feels awful. I don't have anything clever to offer, just that we're here with you. You're not sitting in this alone. 

#89

Recovery Journals / Re: I Am

Last post by Bach - December 01, 2025, 02:49:15 AM

I'm so overwhelmed by life. By feelings for which I have no outlet. I used to cry too easily and now I cannot cry at all. I think it would help if I could cry. Cry or scream or even vomit maybe. Something. Anything to release this feeling of being stuck, of being trapped, of being stuffed full of doubt and pain and discontent. Like a junk food binge without the junk food.

#90

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here

Last post by Kia1212 - December 01, 2025, 12:03:22 AM

Hi Recovery 68, I am also 68 years old and will be 69 in 2 weeks. Never knew I was complex PTSD until I just burnt out, could not go on at all. It was about 2 years ago. All due to extreme emotional, psychological abuses from my narc ex and family of origin. I went no contact completely last year and I can say I feel better, most days. The hardest thing is knowing that narcs never acknowledge or admit their faults. It took me almost 67 years to see that. But at least I don't have to put up with the no empathy, righteousness of everyone. It was disgusting. Hope you find some inner peace.