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#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 14, 2025, 07:54:54 PMBeen holding on as best I can, trying to stay here, to not think too much, not being able to relax much.
And as I was finally relaxing a little bit after dinner at the beach just now, I thought about someone's very young part hiding in the closet and how I did my share of hiding in closets and under the bed myself, and then a very young part of mine came out and said: "And now (that M is no longer here), I no longer need to hide how scared I was/am." And that feels beautiful to me. Free.
Things are definitely shifting. Gaining clarity.
And as I was finally relaxing a little bit after dinner at the beach just now, I thought about someone's very young part hiding in the closet and how I did my share of hiding in closets and under the bed myself, and then a very young part of mine came out and said: "And now (that M is no longer here), I no longer need to hide how scared I was/am." And that feels beautiful to me. Free.
Things are definitely shifting. Gaining clarity.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 14, 2025, 07:52:20 PMMarcine
Thank you for your kind words. I guess some emotions are dissociated and flood me when the hatch opens. Indeed the sub can go pretty deep before it resurfaces sometimes. And when it does, I rarely saw it coming. This includes knowing that it may be coming. I have a bit of distance from it again now, and I see it as an invitation to proceed with the integration of these very difficult emotions, parked somewhere deep inside. They are a part of me, whether I like it, or believe I can handle them, or not. I do not want to fight them. I do not want to fight me.
When I go to the land, one of my lifelines is a tiny mp3 player. It's loaded with audio books, podcasts, talks, and music. It's a lot more energy efficient than a smartphone, so it won't deplete my power bank. The visit before this one, I started making voice memo's with it, because the loneliness was difficult to deal with. I realized how it captures the state I'm in so much better than the memories that remain when I'm back. It also captures my tone of voice, and the speed of it. It was pretty awkward in the beginning, but it has become a lot easier to just let it roll, including silences. This time I made it a point to make a recording every day. Pretty much before going to bed. It was mostly the time when I had a few hours left and I was too tired to do much else but sit. So a good moment to just start blurting out what comes up. This afternoon I swapped the recordings to my computer. It's over 15 hours in total! It isn't exactly like my version of Wilson [Cast Away], but I'm getting there.
It's a long story how I ended up here. Why I keep going is a bit of a mystery, even to myself. I don't give these things much thought anymore. Something profound happened to me with regards to chasing carrots, right on that part of earth. I'm infinitely grateful this happened. Nothing is up to me. Yes, I make choices, and I have preferences. I follow my intuition, end up in places and situations. And life goes how life goes. With or without my permission. The meaning I used to attach to achievements, insight, knowledge, isn't what it used to be. Something happened to who I thought I was. And what gives meaning. Most of the striving evaporated. Especially in the beginning. Yet my trauma stuff is alive and kicking. I have a lot of reactivity and rigidity going on. I feel like this is my curriculum, so to say.
There was a time when I pretty much was a solitary monk. There was nothing outside to fulfil. I had tried it all and collapsed when my big dream came true. No more seeking. The drive had stopped. It hasn't quite come back. But at some point I realized my actual challenge was to live life as a person, post cosmic joke. Not to avoid it. I do things without the investment I used to have in it. I've often wondered whether it's equanimity or anhedonia. I do actally care about things and about people. But There's a lot I just can't take really seriously anymore. And yet I'm quite serious. About trauma, for instance. And totally different from the class clown I used to be. It's way better how it is now. And how I relate to the few people who are in my life.
It's odd to do things almost drive-less. It's such a strange thing to say after taking pills, working so hard in a foreign country, and going through such a trigger fest during the travel. It's like I'm committed to whatever it is I'm doing, but I'm not attached to the outcome of my actions. I am not the center. In this, is a lot of peace. I feel blessed by this.
On the land, what needs to be done is overwhelming. And I just get to it. Full on. At home, there's a lot of emptiness, and I struggle to "do" life. Extreme ends of a spectrum. I'd like to exist more in the middle. In every situation, more social connection is needed. I'm looking for ways to make it more central to my existence, wherever I am, and whatever I do.
Thank you for your kind words. I guess some emotions are dissociated and flood me when the hatch opens. Indeed the sub can go pretty deep before it resurfaces sometimes. And when it does, I rarely saw it coming. This includes knowing that it may be coming. I have a bit of distance from it again now, and I see it as an invitation to proceed with the integration of these very difficult emotions, parked somewhere deep inside. They are a part of me, whether I like it, or believe I can handle them, or not. I do not want to fight them. I do not want to fight me.
When I go to the land, one of my lifelines is a tiny mp3 player. It's loaded with audio books, podcasts, talks, and music. It's a lot more energy efficient than a smartphone, so it won't deplete my power bank. The visit before this one, I started making voice memo's with it, because the loneliness was difficult to deal with. I realized how it captures the state I'm in so much better than the memories that remain when I'm back. It also captures my tone of voice, and the speed of it. It was pretty awkward in the beginning, but it has become a lot easier to just let it roll, including silences. This time I made it a point to make a recording every day. Pretty much before going to bed. It was mostly the time when I had a few hours left and I was too tired to do much else but sit. So a good moment to just start blurting out what comes up. This afternoon I swapped the recordings to my computer. It's over 15 hours in total! It isn't exactly like my version of Wilson [Cast Away], but I'm getting there.
It's a long story how I ended up here. Why I keep going is a bit of a mystery, even to myself. I don't give these things much thought anymore. Something profound happened to me with regards to chasing carrots, right on that part of earth. I'm infinitely grateful this happened. Nothing is up to me. Yes, I make choices, and I have preferences. I follow my intuition, end up in places and situations. And life goes how life goes. With or without my permission. The meaning I used to attach to achievements, insight, knowledge, isn't what it used to be. Something happened to who I thought I was. And what gives meaning. Most of the striving evaporated. Especially in the beginning. Yet my trauma stuff is alive and kicking. I have a lot of reactivity and rigidity going on. I feel like this is my curriculum, so to say.
There was a time when I pretty much was a solitary monk. There was nothing outside to fulfil. I had tried it all and collapsed when my big dream came true. No more seeking. The drive had stopped. It hasn't quite come back. But at some point I realized my actual challenge was to live life as a person, post cosmic joke. Not to avoid it. I do things without the investment I used to have in it. I've often wondered whether it's equanimity or anhedonia. I do actally care about things and about people. But There's a lot I just can't take really seriously anymore. And yet I'm quite serious. About trauma, for instance. And totally different from the class clown I used to be. It's way better how it is now. And how I relate to the few people who are in my life.
It's odd to do things almost drive-less. It's such a strange thing to say after taking pills, working so hard in a foreign country, and going through such a trigger fest during the travel. It's like I'm committed to whatever it is I'm doing, but I'm not attached to the outcome of my actions. I am not the center. In this, is a lot of peace. I feel blessed by this.
On the land, what needs to be done is overwhelming. And I just get to it. Full on. At home, there's a lot of emptiness, and I struggle to "do" life. Extreme ends of a spectrum. I'd like to exist more in the middle. In every situation, more social connection is needed. I'm looking for ways to make it more central to my existence, wherever I am, and whatever I do.
#83
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by Kizzie - December 14, 2025, 05:04:02 PMHey DD, like those who already responded I too think you've done a great job of trying to deal with an untenable situation. Someone who continues to betray me when I have told them how they make me feel or have told them to stop would be triggering for sure. It takes us to that place of fear, powerlessness and loss of control we were subjected to in our past trauma.
A couple of thoughts I had was to be resolute in the thought that they do not deserve to take up any real estate in your head and you are going to continue to do your level best to move on/away from them. Another is to congratulate yourself on the work you have done and are doing to decrease/get rid of this trigger.
Finally, when you must see this person would it be possible to have a buddy/friend with you throughout the event? It can feel safer having someone with you and if it's someone who knows what's going on and supports you, even better.
A couple of thoughts I had was to be resolute in the thought that they do not deserve to take up any real estate in your head and you are going to continue to do your level best to move on/away from them. Another is to congratulate yourself on the work you have done and are doing to decrease/get rid of this trigger.
Finally, when you must see this person would it be possible to have a buddy/friend with you throughout the event? It can feel safer having someone with you and if it's someone who knows what's going on and supports you, even better.
#84
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 14, 2025, 02:15:17 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on December 14, 2025, 01:07:23 PM... You don't have to power through everything just because logically an encounter with him is not *that* bad. You need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
#85
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 14, 2025, 02:08:48 PMAbitbroken, I really hear you. What you describe is so familiar to many of us here. It doesn't sound stupid at all. That swing from numbness to unbearable feeling is something a lot of nervous systems do once they finally aren't in constant survival mode anymore.
You're doing a lot already: therapy, reading, reaching out, caring for your cat. That matters, even when it doesn't feel like it's helping yet. I'm really glad you're here, and I'm glad you spoke up. You don't have to have answers to belong.
Sending steadiness your way.
You're doing a lot already: therapy, reading, reaching out, caring for your cat. That matters, even when it doesn't feel like it's helping yet. I'm really glad you're here, and I'm glad you spoke up. You don't have to have answers to belong.
Sending steadiness your way.
#86
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 14, 2025, 01:10:10 PMThank you - that was really kind, both of you - I guess I am at a place where I have a million questions and no answers, but I definitely feel a bit less alone, and hopefully as I figure this all out I will be able to share more and offer more.
Right now I am in what feels like a total doom loop, manage a bit of a small part of the day, think maybe this is all in my head momentarily, then bang, crushed to smithereens. I kept myself busy all day yesterday, went to bed thinking maybe it isn't that bad, then woke up soaked in sweat, with a pounding heart, from a random dream which I felt had zero context to my actual life and today back to feeling waves of pain, looping thoughts, fighting to ignore them and carry out tasks etc. It is like living in a war inside and the worst part is fighting yourself. Trying to explain this to almost anyone feels impossible, especially when you don't understand it yourself.
It sounds stupid but when I first got into my own place after the final sale etc all went through - I felt zero anything, zero emotion, total numbness - and just auto piloted.. I remember thinking - well this isn't normal, I hope i do start to feel something.. and now, what I wouldn't give for the numbness to come back!
I am hoping it will soon, it is a relief from the pain.
I downloaded Gabor Mate's "Myth of Normal", Pete Walker "Surviving to Thriving" and (not going to try and spell his name) "The Body Keeps the Score" so plenty of reading to do - which will hopefully help with the looping.
Does anyone else feel like they try so so hard to be good and kind and gentle and wonder why it is still not enough to make it better? That keeps spinning today, and maybe I am not trying hard enough.
Off to focus on my little cat now, she needs me to get myself together.
Thank you again, deeply and sincerely - I have found more help / support here than I thought possible and plenty to be getting on with.
Right now I am in what feels like a total doom loop, manage a bit of a small part of the day, think maybe this is all in my head momentarily, then bang, crushed to smithereens. I kept myself busy all day yesterday, went to bed thinking maybe it isn't that bad, then woke up soaked in sweat, with a pounding heart, from a random dream which I felt had zero context to my actual life and today back to feeling waves of pain, looping thoughts, fighting to ignore them and carry out tasks etc. It is like living in a war inside and the worst part is fighting yourself. Trying to explain this to almost anyone feels impossible, especially when you don't understand it yourself.
It sounds stupid but when I first got into my own place after the final sale etc all went through - I felt zero anything, zero emotion, total numbness - and just auto piloted.. I remember thinking - well this isn't normal, I hope i do start to feel something.. and now, what I wouldn't give for the numbness to come back!
I am hoping it will soon, it is a relief from the pain.
I downloaded Gabor Mate's "Myth of Normal", Pete Walker "Surviving to Thriving" and (not going to try and spell his name) "The Body Keeps the Score" so plenty of reading to do - which will hopefully help with the looping.
Does anyone else feel like they try so so hard to be good and kind and gentle and wonder why it is still not enough to make it better? That keeps spinning today, and maybe I am not trying hard enough.
Off to focus on my little cat now, she needs me to get myself together.
Thank you again, deeply and sincerely - I have found more help / support here than I thought possible and plenty to be getting on with.
#87
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 14, 2025, 01:07:23 PMI am so sorry. Well done for getting out.
It seems to me that although logically you say he is not *that* bad, emotionally he is bringing up all of the terror that you have experienced from people who are *that* bad. Which is no surprise since, as Armee has said, past trauma is getting reactivated.
You did really well to realised you needed a safety plan and a plan to get out. You made the plans, you executed them and you are reducing all contact to the smallest necessary. I hope contact can soon be nil. Please try not to feel ashamed about your reaction to all of this. It is totally understandable and is a normal reaction given your past experiences. I get terribly worked up still about meeting with my FOO, even though I now know I am strong enough to stand up to them. They consistently behave more tolerably these days but my emotional self finds it hard to accept that I can handle the situation, even if they suddenly revert to how they used to be.
Since you have to see him again, soon, while emotions are still raw from the last trigger, I think one practical thing you might do is try to get rid of any other potentially stressful events in the days leading up to and after the event. Give yourself time to process things and remove any unnecessary stressors from your calendar. There's often tiresome "obligations" at this time of year but give yourself permission to cancel things you don't want to do. Claim illness if you need to. You don't have to power through everything just because logically an encounter with him is not *that* bad. You need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
It seems to me that although logically you say he is not *that* bad, emotionally he is bringing up all of the terror that you have experienced from people who are *that* bad. Which is no surprise since, as Armee has said, past trauma is getting reactivated.
You did really well to realised you needed a safety plan and a plan to get out. You made the plans, you executed them and you are reducing all contact to the smallest necessary. I hope contact can soon be nil. Please try not to feel ashamed about your reaction to all of this. It is totally understandable and is a normal reaction given your past experiences. I get terribly worked up still about meeting with my FOO, even though I now know I am strong enough to stand up to them. They consistently behave more tolerably these days but my emotional self finds it hard to accept that I can handle the situation, even if they suddenly revert to how they used to be.
Since you have to see him again, soon, while emotions are still raw from the last trigger, I think one practical thing you might do is try to get rid of any other potentially stressful events in the days leading up to and after the event. Give yourself time to process things and remove any unnecessary stressors from your calendar. There's often tiresome "obligations" at this time of year but give yourself permission to cancel things you don't want to do. Claim illness if you need to. You don't have to power through everything just because logically an encounter with him is not *that* bad. You need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 14, 2025, 12:50:52 PMQuote from: Little2Nothing on December 13, 2025, 08:34:48 PMEvery year that childish hope rises and that feeling of hope mocks my longing. It all relates to the past.
I will say I have a loving family. Wife, kids and grandkids. My Christmas with them is pleasant and rational. No false expectations, but that disillusioned kid surfaces and will not be comforted. He can't be because he's longing for a fictional past.
Wow. That resonates so much with me. "Pleasant and rational." Why can't that be enough? It is for adult me - I craved it when engulfed in FOO madness on the day - but it's totally not good enough for little NK. She wants all the Hollywood trappings and can't accept that they belong in Hollywood. I'm not sure that unremitting joy and wonder is anyone's reality, but our realities were so far away that we've clung onto the hope the joy and wonder exists and we will one day experience it.
I have no answers, but I hope adult L2N can enjoy the pleasant and rational holidays, even if little L2N is disappointed. Maybe you can find something a bit silly or over the top or indulgent to see if that makes little L2N feel a bit more cheerful.
#89
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 14, 2025, 12:30:33 PMQuote from: Abitbroken on December 13, 2025, 11:38:57 PMI wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful
Just being here and sharing is actually supporting others. I did a fiction writing course many years ago. Part of the deal was that we all shared pieces of work and then everyone would offer feedback. At the start of the course we all thought we would learn most from what others had to say about the pieces we had written. By the end we all realised we learned most from critiquing the work of other people - from seeing both the good and the problematic and from finding kind and supportive ways to comment on both. Then we could take that experience and more easily apply it to our own work.
So, thank you for being here and for allowing us to share some of your concerns. I'm glad you don't feel so alone now you've found this place.
I hope you slept well.
#90
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Blueberry - December 14, 2025, 07:42:41 AMDo thank your daughter for baking enough for us too, Chart!