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#81
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 08:11:58 PMQuote from: Teddy bear on February 16, 2026, 06:09:54 PMThis may result in higher BMI and cholesterol.
Just to add: my cholesterol levels used to be worse when I was not overweight. My doctor thought it was because my whole metabolism wasn't working well due to trauma. My trauma used to play out physically a lot. My body was wracked in pain that no doctor could find a reason for - probably my emotional pain was making itself known physically. Etc etc etc. This isn't to say noone with trauma should believe their doctor when the doc discovers overly high levels of whatever but the emotional and physical body aren't as separate as we would like to think, maybe?
#82
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 17, 2026, 08:08:30 PM🗣💬 ❌ ➡️ 🚜 📢 
Awesome
Awesome
#83
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 08:03:53 PMHi Teddy bear,
I'm certainly sensitive to comments on my body size and have body dysmorphia, altho I have experienced a lot of healing in both. I used to be a bit underweight apparently, or maybe it was just I looked that way because I was always trying to disappear psychologically. I didn't want to exist. For a number of years now, I've been mostly okay about existing and have swung the other way. I'm fat, keep growing out of jackets and trousers etc. My size and looks actually bother me a lot less than they would have say 10-20 years ago, it's just the present inconvenience of no longer fitting into my rain gear... and not replacing because difficult to find and expensive.
FOO told me I was fat throughout my childhood, teens and on into my twenties, thirties, forties, although I wasn't. I have very low contact with all of them so no video calls or anything and they haven't seen me for 10 years. I would say my body dysmorphia developed in childhood, I mean how was I meant to know that what my FOO referred to as fat was actually muscle?? I did figure out at some point that my calves were fairly muscular from cycling but as for the rest of my body? It shouldn't have existed is the message I got.
They actually seemed to think I was fat so idk if they had body dysmorphia about me?? idk if that exists? They were ashamed of themselves or me or?? And projected that onto me. Anyway sorry to keep rambling on, but with trauma in your background eating disorder and body dysmorphia are not exactly rare. Maybe you need to figure out how it developed in your case in order to heal? idk.
There is actually a whole Eating Issues board on here https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=234.0. It's maybe a lot to read but could also be interesting to read about others' problems and even some healing too.
I'm certainly sensitive to comments on my body size and have body dysmorphia, altho I have experienced a lot of healing in both. I used to be a bit underweight apparently, or maybe it was just I looked that way because I was always trying to disappear psychologically. I didn't want to exist. For a number of years now, I've been mostly okay about existing and have swung the other way. I'm fat, keep growing out of jackets and trousers etc. My size and looks actually bother me a lot less than they would have say 10-20 years ago, it's just the present inconvenience of no longer fitting into my rain gear... and not replacing because difficult to find and expensive.
FOO told me I was fat throughout my childhood, teens and on into my twenties, thirties, forties, although I wasn't. I have very low contact with all of them so no video calls or anything and they haven't seen me for 10 years. I would say my body dysmorphia developed in childhood, I mean how was I meant to know that what my FOO referred to as fat was actually muscle?? I did figure out at some point that my calves were fairly muscular from cycling but as for the rest of my body? It shouldn't have existed is the message I got.
They actually seemed to think I was fat so idk if they had body dysmorphia about me?? idk if that exists? They were ashamed of themselves or me or?? And projected that onto me. Anyway sorry to keep rambling on, but with trauma in your background eating disorder and body dysmorphia are not exactly rare. Maybe you need to figure out how it developed in your case in order to heal? idk.
There is actually a whole Eating Issues board on here https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=234.0. It's maybe a lot to read but could also be interesting to read about others' problems and even some healing too.
#84
Physical Issues / Re: Constantly t i r e d. Shou...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 07:25:14 PMI don't know what is best for you and your body, but do know that healing from trauma can be absolutely exhausting, so if you can fit in time/space for breaks or naps as necessary that could be more useful than adding energy? But idk for sure. Even with cptsd we're all a bit different.
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 07:17:03 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 17, 2026, 04:35:56 PMThis is a classic example of how something so small and simple can bring up so many CPTSD complications. Not only in the agony of whether or not to press that wretched button, but in the aftermath. Was I right? Protecting myself? Wrong? Mean? Petty? Vindictive? Probably all those things on some level or other. Sigh.
I soooo get that, NK.
fwiw I think you were protecting yourself by not pressing. Then all that buzzing in your brain (EF?), you eventually did press. I react that way too. I get in a quandary, second guess myself and then decide to do whatever after all. I don't know if that's quite how it went down for you but I'm sensing something along those lines. I have read you've been facing a whole load of FOO shenanigans recently and you're making a lot of progress deciding differently now, taking different steps. Pressing that button after all is maybe a little back-step in among all these huge forward steps but it won't stop your forward movement.
#86
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Kizzie - February 17, 2026, 07:01:07 PMIt is difficult Big Blue, or at least it was for me. I pretty much had to stop myself each time for a long while and figure out if I was other referencing. If I did not feel like I/my needs were being taken into account, either by me or the other person I would make a real effort to pull back inside my body and end the one-sided dialogue ASAP.
When my NM was alive she would talk right over top of me (and I let her because if I didn't she would do the hurt thing) until one day I could see very clearly she was making me invisible in the process and it really hurt every time she did it). I just up and calmly and firmly said something to the effect of "Wait a minute please, I didn't finish what I was saying" and it stopped her cold. The next time she did it I out and out told her she needed to stop talking over top of me, that it was rude and made me feel bad. She was very much taken aback but she finally learned I had boundaries, that I was not just a set of ears put on this earth to listen to her prattle on and on.
A bit of a chuckle - my H is awesome at dealing with people who hog the stage. We had a neighbour some time back who would talk endlessly and had me caught one day. My H just started up the lawnmower near where we were talking and that gave me an out. Can't talk over that!
When my NM was alive she would talk right over top of me (and I let her because if I didn't she would do the hurt thing) until one day I could see very clearly she was making me invisible in the process and it really hurt every time she did it). I just up and calmly and firmly said something to the effect of "Wait a minute please, I didn't finish what I was saying" and it stopped her cold. The next time she did it I out and out told her she needed to stop talking over top of me, that it was rude and made me feel bad. She was very much taken aback but she finally learned I had boundaries, that I was not just a set of ears put on this earth to listen to her prattle on and on.
A bit of a chuckle - my H is awesome at dealing with people who hog the stage. We had a neighbour some time back who would talk endlessly and had me caught one day. My H just started up the lawnmower near where we were talking and that gave me an out. Can't talk over that!
#87
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: One Act of Kindness to Mys...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 06:58:44 PMQuote from: Blueberry on February 19, 2023, 10:37:43 PMI started this thread in Lent 2020. Normally in the Christian religion you fast from something during Lent and I was posting about how triggering it is for me to be restricting myself. And then Notalone came up with a suggestion for me: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12143.msg98105#msg98105
So this thread is based on that.
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. One of the Churches in my country has as their motto this year "Fasting without Severity, without Harshness" partly to do with the world turning harsher, but also partly the idea that people can go overboard on their own fasting, like being so strict with themselves they don't actually get closer to whatever spirituality they believe in. I think that fits well with One Act of Kindness To Myself Today.
Feel free to start with an act of kindness today.
#88
Symptoms - Other / Re: Loneliness in CPTSD Is Not...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 06:45:51 PMThank you for this post and the work that went into thinking it through and writing it out.
Yesterday I went through the list and 6.5 types resonated. Bit of a flashback yesterday, I think. I'm marking this basically, to come back to because it was too much for me absorb all in one go (that is not a criticism!).
Yesterday I went through the list and 6.5 types resonated. Bit of a flashback yesterday, I think. I'm marking this basically, to come back to because it was too much for me absorb all in one go (that is not a criticism!).
#89
Physical Issues / Constantly t i r e d. Should I...
Last post by pelicantown - February 17, 2026, 06:36:30 PMHi! I've been struggling with fatigue for quite some time now (I can't remember the last time I felt truly energized), and I'm wondering if I should introduce coffee back into my life for a little kick. For context, I am very used to high levels of physical activity on a weekly basis (run 3 days a week and lift 3 days a week), and I'm wondering if this is a factor (it might not be, because I know it can also energize). I'm also wondering if winter is exacerbating my fatigue.
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 17, 2026, 04:35:56 PMPoints about co-regulation and co-dependence came up in someone else's journal. Specifically the compulsion to rush in and solve someone else's problems.
My mother has always done that to everyone bar the milkman. And she'd probably have done it to him, too, if she could have been bothered to get up at 4am to catch him on his delivery round.
I was brought up to believe that is what you do if you care for someone. Of course she needed constant reassurance so she modelled that to me. And the more I was stepping in to solve her problems the less the focus was on me, and mine. Because her solutions were unbearably awful most of the time and she forced me to follow her advice.
As I posted earlier, I failed to STFU and gave M some helpful suggestions she is following through. One of them I will not need to be involved with at all. She has already said her faithful slave, er I mean friend and neighbour, is sorting it out. The other I thought I might get involved in - she is obtaining an iPad for F so if he goes to hospital again he can access his emails. I do not think F wants an iPad or is interested in learning how to use it. So M has rushed in to solve his problem (which may not even be a problem).
I had forgotten that she wanted an iPad about 10 years ago and asked for my old one when I upgraded. Of course I had to teach her how to use it and she was an absolute pain in the backside about it. Eventually she gave up and got rid of it, saying that the iPad was messing up their internet access. Say, what?! I questioned this but not too hard because I was very glad to see the back of this iPad.
What I had also forgotten was that when she got the iPad she had to have a user ID, so we set that up for her. It needed a recovery email and I stupidly set mine up as the recovery.
The other day an email arrived in my junk folder. It was a link to set a new password for her user ID.
From this email I surmised the iPad had arrived. I'd spoken to her earlier that day and she had said nothing. I suppose the friend and neighbour was helping her set it up. Good - she hadn't asked me.
Only this ruddy email took up way more headspace than it should have done. I had vowed, and I think have written in a journal, that I will not help with any projects I have not been asked to help with. I might not even help with things they do expect me to. The care home debacle was the last straw. This iPad is supposedly for F and he may not even want it. I am not going to waste my time over it. Here stands NK, all strong and determined.
BUT - I got an email I needed to deal with so she could get on with changing her account password. Very simple. All I had to do was press a button. I didn't press the button. She hadn't asked me to.
That should have been that but then I started feeling bad about not pressing the button. I wondered how else she might get access to her user account to change the password. I wondered if she could set up a new one. I guess she could but she'd probably have to set up another email account for the purpose. I actually researched what hoops she would have to jump through. Part of me was desperate to help. I mean, it was only pressing a button. Part of me thought I was better off staying out of it. The friend could sort it out. Part of me felt angry that although the idea had originated from me she had not told me the iPad had arrived or asked me for help.
Why would I feel angry about that??? It's precisely the result I want. Nothing to do with it.
Hours later I pressed that blithering button. What on earth I thought I was doing I have no idea. Pressing the button meant helping. Stepping in to help when I had not been asked. Opening the door to her asking for more involvement. She must have had a fair idea of who the recovery email had been sent to. I know they star out some of the address for security reasons but I think they leave enough in for you to guess if you are familiar with the address. If she knew it was sent to me why would she not phone to ask me to press the button?
However I had waited long enough that the link had expired. No other recovery emails had arrived so I am guessing they sorted it out another way. I am visiting later this week and am expecting to hear something or other about this iPad.
This is a classic example of how something so small and simple can bring up so many CPTSD complications. Not only in the agony of whether or not to press that wretched button, but in the aftermath. Was I right? Protecting myself? Wrong? Mean? Petty? Vindictive? Probably all those things on some level or other. Sigh.
My mother has always done that to everyone bar the milkman. And she'd probably have done it to him, too, if she could have been bothered to get up at 4am to catch him on his delivery round.
I was brought up to believe that is what you do if you care for someone. Of course she needed constant reassurance so she modelled that to me. And the more I was stepping in to solve her problems the less the focus was on me, and mine. Because her solutions were unbearably awful most of the time and she forced me to follow her advice.
As I posted earlier, I failed to STFU and gave M some helpful suggestions she is following through. One of them I will not need to be involved with at all. She has already said her faithful slave, er I mean friend and neighbour, is sorting it out. The other I thought I might get involved in - she is obtaining an iPad for F so if he goes to hospital again he can access his emails. I do not think F wants an iPad or is interested in learning how to use it. So M has rushed in to solve his problem (which may not even be a problem).
I had forgotten that she wanted an iPad about 10 years ago and asked for my old one when I upgraded. Of course I had to teach her how to use it and she was an absolute pain in the backside about it. Eventually she gave up and got rid of it, saying that the iPad was messing up their internet access. Say, what?! I questioned this but not too hard because I was very glad to see the back of this iPad.
What I had also forgotten was that when she got the iPad she had to have a user ID, so we set that up for her. It needed a recovery email and I stupidly set mine up as the recovery.
The other day an email arrived in my junk folder. It was a link to set a new password for her user ID.
From this email I surmised the iPad had arrived. I'd spoken to her earlier that day and she had said nothing. I suppose the friend and neighbour was helping her set it up. Good - she hadn't asked me.
Only this ruddy email took up way more headspace than it should have done. I had vowed, and I think have written in a journal, that I will not help with any projects I have not been asked to help with. I might not even help with things they do expect me to. The care home debacle was the last straw. This iPad is supposedly for F and he may not even want it. I am not going to waste my time over it. Here stands NK, all strong and determined.
BUT - I got an email I needed to deal with so she could get on with changing her account password. Very simple. All I had to do was press a button. I didn't press the button. She hadn't asked me to.
That should have been that but then I started feeling bad about not pressing the button. I wondered how else she might get access to her user account to change the password. I wondered if she could set up a new one. I guess she could but she'd probably have to set up another email account for the purpose. I actually researched what hoops she would have to jump through. Part of me was desperate to help. I mean, it was only pressing a button. Part of me thought I was better off staying out of it. The friend could sort it out. Part of me felt angry that although the idea had originated from me she had not told me the iPad had arrived or asked me for help.
Why would I feel angry about that??? It's precisely the result I want. Nothing to do with it.Hours later I pressed that blithering button. What on earth I thought I was doing I have no idea. Pressing the button meant helping. Stepping in to help when I had not been asked. Opening the door to her asking for more involvement. She must have had a fair idea of who the recovery email had been sent to. I know they star out some of the address for security reasons but I think they leave enough in for you to guess if you are familiar with the address. If she knew it was sent to me why would she not phone to ask me to press the button?
However I had waited long enough that the link had expired. No other recovery emails had arrived so I am guessing they sorted it out another way. I am visiting later this week and am expecting to hear something or other about this iPad.
This is a classic example of how something so small and simple can bring up so many CPTSD complications. Not only in the agony of whether or not to press that wretched button, but in the aftermath. Was I right? Protecting myself? Wrong? Mean? Petty? Vindictive? Probably all those things on some level or other. Sigh.