Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 21, 2026, 04:47:16 PMOne of the effects of CPTSD is an altered sense of self.
For much of my life I was the one to whom nothing bad had happened. I was one who got out. One who succeeded.
That's who I thought I was. But that's not how I felt. I didn't feel like I'd gotten out. I didn't feel like nothing bad had happened. I didn't feel like a success. Those feelings were kept away as much as possible, exorcised with exercise and worked out through work.
So my sense of self varied day to day and hour to hour. Was I a victim or a survivor? Did I get out, or was I repeating the same patterns? Was this enough success? Was this far enough away? Who was I beyond what happened to me? Who was I when I was living as if nothing had happened to me? I didn't want to have been abused. I didn't want that to be my story. But living as if I was someone else was leaving me disconnected from myself and everyone around me.
As I have been living more as All of Me, I'm coming face to face with the things I've denied about myself. In the past, I saw my silence as acquiescence. My acquiescence as failure. My failure as weakness. All of it as a lack, lack of self. But when I look at my life in context of what was happening at the time, I see that in the silence, acquiescence, failure, and weakness, I was there. Silence was my most potent word. Avoidance was my direct action. Acquiescence was the best chance to fight another day. If I hold Frank down by his back legs, which I would never do, he'll struggle for a few seconds and then go limp. I saw him do it at the farm when he was pulled from his hutch. It's his best chance. I get it. I never grasp him. I always wait for him to hop to me.
It's tempting to look at my life outside of the context of abuse and judge myself. If I were a rabbit who had never been grabbed and pinned, well, I'd be a different rabbit. It's only in context of what I went through that what I did and who I became makes sense. And all of that is all of me.
I am not what happened to me. But what happened to me is part of me. I am not CPTSD. But CPTSD is part of me. I am not the limited choices I made, choices to be silent, avoid, acquiesce. But all of those choices are part of me. And I'm not what I did when I had no choice. But that too is part of me.
As I take ownership of All of Me, I have so many more choices than I had in the past. Choices about how close people get, or when to say goodbye. Choices about how much information to give when, to whom. I can change my mind, go back and decide to be more open, or go back and shut the door harder. My sense of self is based less on the past and how I feel I failed, or on the future of who I might be if I succeed, and more on the present of what I'm choosing. What I'm wearing today. The words I want to say.
For much of my life I was the one to whom nothing bad had happened. I was one who got out. One who succeeded.
That's who I thought I was. But that's not how I felt. I didn't feel like I'd gotten out. I didn't feel like nothing bad had happened. I didn't feel like a success. Those feelings were kept away as much as possible, exorcised with exercise and worked out through work.
So my sense of self varied day to day and hour to hour. Was I a victim or a survivor? Did I get out, or was I repeating the same patterns? Was this enough success? Was this far enough away? Who was I beyond what happened to me? Who was I when I was living as if nothing had happened to me? I didn't want to have been abused. I didn't want that to be my story. But living as if I was someone else was leaving me disconnected from myself and everyone around me.
As I have been living more as All of Me, I'm coming face to face with the things I've denied about myself. In the past, I saw my silence as acquiescence. My acquiescence as failure. My failure as weakness. All of it as a lack, lack of self. But when I look at my life in context of what was happening at the time, I see that in the silence, acquiescence, failure, and weakness, I was there. Silence was my most potent word. Avoidance was my direct action. Acquiescence was the best chance to fight another day. If I hold Frank down by his back legs, which I would never do, he'll struggle for a few seconds and then go limp. I saw him do it at the farm when he was pulled from his hutch. It's his best chance. I get it. I never grasp him. I always wait for him to hop to me.
It's tempting to look at my life outside of the context of abuse and judge myself. If I were a rabbit who had never been grabbed and pinned, well, I'd be a different rabbit. It's only in context of what I went through that what I did and who I became makes sense. And all of that is all of me.
I am not what happened to me. But what happened to me is part of me. I am not CPTSD. But CPTSD is part of me. I am not the limited choices I made, choices to be silent, avoid, acquiesce. But all of those choices are part of me. And I'm not what I did when I had no choice. But that too is part of me.
As I take ownership of All of Me, I have so many more choices than I had in the past. Choices about how close people get, or when to say goodbye. Choices about how much information to give when, to whom. I can change my mind, go back and decide to be more open, or go back and shut the door harder. My sense of self is based less on the past and how I feel I failed, or on the future of who I might be if I succeed, and more on the present of what I'm choosing. What I'm wearing today. The words I want to say.
#82
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 21, 2026, 04:31:19 PMThank you for the update.
I am sorry this revelation is causing issues of its own and I can well understand why. A feeling of lost years is horrible. But I am glad that you are being treated, that a big problem has been discovered and can be addressed, and that you are feeling better.
Please be gentle with yourself as you deal with this new phase of healing.
I am sorry this revelation is causing issues of its own and I can well understand why. A feeling of lost years is horrible. But I am glad that you are being treated, that a big problem has been discovered and can be addressed, and that you are feeling better.
Please be gentle with yourself as you deal with this new phase of healing.
#83
Physical Issues / Re: migraine tips?
Last post by dollyvee - January 21, 2026, 03:37:26 PMHmmm interesting. I would have a look at his website and what Marcons are, which is basically a staph infection of the sinuses that can be related to gut issues. Mold has other down stream issues such as hormone dysregulation too. Hopefully the doc will listen, but in my case I was told that the tests I was doing would never be administered by the NHS, but you never know.
#84
Physical Issues / Re: migraine tips?
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 21, 2026, 03:26:56 PMOur previous place we lived in was definitely garbo and had mold, which I think could've affected my current nasal things that No One can figure out a solution to. Now that we're moved to a very nice place it does feel better. It's also fairly dry in winter up north here.
I'll mention my nasal cavity issues/possible mold as a footnote to the doc!
I'll mention my nasal cavity issues/possible mold as a footnote to the doc!
#85
Physical Issues / Re: migraine tips?
Last post by dollyvee - January 21, 2026, 03:18:01 PMIt sounds like you've found a couple of temporary fixes and are seeing the doctor to help you sort it out, aware that the body migraines might be linked.
I know mold as a cause for issues sounds crazy and it took me eight months for me to believe my functional medicine practitioner that it might be linked, but it's been a big source of issues (including anxiety for me though mast cell stabilisers have helped with that amazingly). Dr. Ritchie Shoemaker had a list of symptoms on his website survivingmold.com.
Hoping you find something in your searches,
dolly
I know mold as a cause for issues sounds crazy and it took me eight months for me to believe my functional medicine practitioner that it might be linked, but it's been a big source of issues (including anxiety for me though mast cell stabilisers have helped with that amazingly). Dr. Ritchie Shoemaker had a list of symptoms on his website survivingmold.com.
Hoping you find something in your searches,
dolly
#86
Physical Issues / Re: migraine tips?
Last post by Hope67 - January 21, 2026, 03:15:56 PMI'm glad to hear you feel a little better today - hope you enjoy your rest time later in the week.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - January 21, 2026, 03:13:07 PMHi SanMagic, how wonderful that you have snow. That sounds so nice. Yes, those flowers will be here soon. 
*********
21st January 2026
I want to quote this from p.14 of 'The Unshaming Way' by David Bedrick:
"The act of unshaming relates; it witnesses with feeling. When a person experiences a listener's compassion, empathy, and heart, they internalize the sense that they matter, counteracting shame's message that they do not."
This reminded me of a situation that happened where I hit my head quite hard on an unexpectedly low ceiling area/object, and the response of a person there was so caring and concerned for my well-being, and I remember that so many parts of me were very surprised that someone had cared enough to notice and say how they were concerned. It was emotional to feel that care and feel witnessed with compassion and caring. I have remembered it strongly since, and reading what David Bedrick wrote about unshaming reminded me of that situation, and that strong feeling when witnessed and treated with empathy, care and concern.
*********
21st January 2026
I want to quote this from p.14 of 'The Unshaming Way' by David Bedrick:
"The act of unshaming relates; it witnesses with feeling. When a person experiences a listener's compassion, empathy, and heart, they internalize the sense that they matter, counteracting shame's message that they do not."
This reminded me of a situation that happened where I hit my head quite hard on an unexpectedly low ceiling area/object, and the response of a person there was so caring and concerned for my well-being, and I remember that so many parts of me were very surprised that someone had cared enough to notice and say how they were concerned. It was emotional to feel that care and feel witnessed with compassion and caring. I have remembered it strongly since, and reading what David Bedrick wrote about unshaming reminded me of that situation, and that strong feeling when witnessed and treated with empathy, care and concern.
#89
Physical Issues / Re: migraine tips?
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 21, 2026, 02:56:51 PMI constantly analyze my symptoms to try and figure out my issues. I'm used to doing this; I sadly had terrible experiences with just going to the doctor. Turns out there's so many things that we haven't solved yet. And it's no coincidence that they're typically things that mainly affect women and other marginalized groups. 
I've come to observe that my Migraines are likely related to my digestive system/GI issues, which of course developed due to my PTSD in my youth. I used to think having like, IBS attacks were the worst ever. Having them with Migraines now? Now, that's terror.
I noticed that I would get bloated just from drinking water, and I had to use the bathroom with cramps constantly. There's also a possible element of menstrual stuff, which I'm going to discuss with the doctor, but even with that it all seems to be sourced with my GI track. It's a headache of intense pressure everywhere. I also have a TMJ arthritis issue so my right side is so strongly aching.
Today I feel better but its still present, but I can work. After that, I'm free for the rest of the week to rest mostly.
If anything, I think its the physical leftovers of being in my terrible situations as a youth. Its better than when I was a youth and the pain was a constant, but now it feels reduced to a real bad lot of pain once a monthish. I can't imagine the poor souls who get long, long migraines and are chronic.
I imagine the trigger was something I ate a few days ago + the fact I took a break from my constant hormone pills (as directed to by a doctor!) and having a period triggered a huge thing. Which is why I want to discuss like three contributing factors with my doctor ... I have the worst periods and I think it may be endometriosis, but there's also five other issues... The migraines on top... I need to be a stubborn ol' mule and search for answers. I'm quite good at finding them, even though I do know that there's no easy "cure" to nothing.
(Which reminds me, I saw a video the other day about psychologists being asked how many people they've cured, as if that was a gotcha from an anti-psychology grifter. I wish, dude. Not how this all works.)
Thanks for the advice. It is made worse by the fact you can't even have a fun sick day. I wanted to play games last night. Nope!
I do have non-caffeine migraine meds for the night that seemed to help. And, ironically enough, the source of all my childhood pain had previously sent me a mask that massages you for migraines and it actually helps. I had to research a whole bunch on that to make sure I wasn't going to hurt myself with bunk tech, but it seems okay. I'll still ask the doctor if they recommend it or want me to stop and try something else.
So, TooLong; Didn'tRead: it's a mix of all what you said, I think. Emotional turned into physical residue, and thats the main thing. Or, maybe, the hormones of the horrific entity of the menstrual cycle made me feel horrid, and triggered a migraine. Either way, its a potpourri of garbage stuck in my body, giving me a horrid pressure everywhere.
I've come to observe that my Migraines are likely related to my digestive system/GI issues, which of course developed due to my PTSD in my youth. I used to think having like, IBS attacks were the worst ever. Having them with Migraines now? Now, that's terror.
I noticed that I would get bloated just from drinking water, and I had to use the bathroom with cramps constantly. There's also a possible element of menstrual stuff, which I'm going to discuss with the doctor, but even with that it all seems to be sourced with my GI track. It's a headache of intense pressure everywhere. I also have a TMJ arthritis issue so my right side is so strongly aching.
Today I feel better but its still present, but I can work. After that, I'm free for the rest of the week to rest mostly.
If anything, I think its the physical leftovers of being in my terrible situations as a youth. Its better than when I was a youth and the pain was a constant, but now it feels reduced to a real bad lot of pain once a monthish. I can't imagine the poor souls who get long, long migraines and are chronic.
I imagine the trigger was something I ate a few days ago + the fact I took a break from my constant hormone pills (as directed to by a doctor!) and having a period triggered a huge thing. Which is why I want to discuss like three contributing factors with my doctor ... I have the worst periods and I think it may be endometriosis, but there's also five other issues... The migraines on top... I need to be a stubborn ol' mule and search for answers. I'm quite good at finding them, even though I do know that there's no easy "cure" to nothing.
(Which reminds me, I saw a video the other day about psychologists being asked how many people they've cured, as if that was a gotcha from an anti-psychology grifter. I wish, dude. Not how this all works.)
Thanks for the advice. It is made worse by the fact you can't even have a fun sick day. I wanted to play games last night. Nope!
I do have non-caffeine migraine meds for the night that seemed to help. And, ironically enough, the source of all my childhood pain had previously sent me a mask that massages you for migraines and it actually helps. I had to research a whole bunch on that to make sure I wasn't going to hurt myself with bunk tech, but it seems okay. I'll still ask the doctor if they recommend it or want me to stop and try something else.
So, TooLong; Didn'tRead: it's a mix of all what you said, I think. Emotional turned into physical residue, and thats the main thing. Or, maybe, the hormones of the horrific entity of the menstrual cycle made me feel horrid, and triggered a migraine. Either way, its a potpourri of garbage stuck in my body, giving me a horrid pressure everywhere.
#90
Physical Issues / Re: migraine tips?
Last post by Armee - January 21, 2026, 02:14:00 PMWas basically going to say the same as Marcine. I'm sorry you are getting these. Ive had migraines since I was about 13 and I'm almost 48 now. They are far less severe now than they were. But yeah that pain is unbearable and overwhelming.
The 2 things that helped were 1. Not being stubborn about pain management and not waiting to see if maybe it goes away on its own. The first sign of pain I need to take something and not wait and see. I may need to take something several days in a row but it's better than the pain coming back full-fledged. I had a bad reaction to migraine medication so just stick with advil and Tylenol and sometimes have to take them both...usually 2 advil and then an hour or two later two Tylenol.
2. The other thing that helped was paying closer attention to the emotional triggers because usually there was some kind of trigger...and yeah like Marcine said ... emotional flashbacks. So I would start to pay attention and track like Marcine did what was happening before I got the migraine and then tend to that issue. It's like if we can't resolve the emotional issue it turns into massive physical pain.
Good luck figuring this out (including DollyVee's suggestion to look at potential allergen triggers too) and I hope they get better for you
The 2 things that helped were 1. Not being stubborn about pain management and not waiting to see if maybe it goes away on its own. The first sign of pain I need to take something and not wait and see. I may need to take something several days in a row but it's better than the pain coming back full-fledged. I had a bad reaction to migraine medication so just stick with advil and Tylenol and sometimes have to take them both...usually 2 advil and then an hour or two later two Tylenol.
2. The other thing that helped was paying closer attention to the emotional triggers because usually there was some kind of trigger...and yeah like Marcine said ... emotional flashbacks. So I would start to pay attention and track like Marcine did what was happening before I got the migraine and then tend to that issue. It's like if we can't resolve the emotional issue it turns into massive physical pain.
Good luck figuring this out (including DollyVee's suggestion to look at potential allergen triggers too) and I hope they get better for you