Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 21, 2026, 01:38:27 PMQuote from: Blueberry on February 20, 2026, 01:14:51 AMAlso it feels new and scary (not so approved in FOO?) for me to be deducing answers from context or... This is actually an aspect of learning this particular language from Duolingo which I find good. Deduce the grammar rules thru your own work during the lessons, you're more likely to actually learn for keeps than if you read the rule. But I suppose that's my head plus what I taught myself professionally rather than any kind of past emotion from an IC
FOO was big on deducing answers, but not so big on my doing so. They were more keen on putting me down for being 'stupid'. So I suppose it could feel scary for a Part or two if I'm able to deduce now? Tightening in chest + hollow feeling while writing that down. Exhale, big sigh.
To state the obvious, it's more important for me to work with these IC topics coming up than to forge ahead with the duolingo. Even if I'm high up the weekly chart rn and that does feel good. Keeping going regularly with a task i.e. practising is a goal, but equally important to find out what kind of hurdles are in the way. Grrr. Don't want hurdles, was glad there were so few, glad to get so far w/o encountering many but now they're coming and otoh that's like a 'gift' because now I'm not in the dark so much anymore about why activating myself can be so difficult. On the cusp of big progress, probably.
I remember too though what I learnt way way back in therapy: stop and compare now and the past. Now: doing my duolingo I noticed that my ear for what's right or wrong in particular instances is really quite good. So I note that! And rn I even tell some Inners and one turns up to listen and she's very happy, overjoyed, and that activates her physically! To dance and throw her arms in the air and spin around in circles. Move spontaneously.
The past: The opposite. Depression. Half-frozen or all frozen. Despondent.
Today I didn't even finish the lesson because I lost my 5 points making mistakes, but it doesn't matter because I made progress anyway. Other progress - language-wise and emotional progress.
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 01:35:20 PMDolly,
I thank and support you (truly I do), but I'm not on the DID spectrum.
Your comment mirrors many of my baby sister's, so you're not alone.
I must apologize because the problem definitely is on my end. People come here seeking guidance and solidarity and I should expect that. I'm stuck in "technician" mode, troubleshooting faults down to root causes.
I shouldn't expect everyone come at it the same way I do.
Everyone experiences cPTSD on multiple levels. "This is what they did to me" or "these are therapies I've found helpful". The reason they *talk* about it is to give advice or receive kinship, which is all valid and expected. In fact, it's probably what I should be doing myself.
I should expect everyone (including myself) to focus on other levels. "These are the traumatic events", "This is how I feel", "This is my therapy/ recovery", etc.
But instead of doing that, I'm focused on identifying and rectifying specific faults. "These are the specific failures I've identified that were caused by my trauma and the symptoms that led me to them". Again... It's a "me" problem and I'm sorry. It's very possible that I may be the only one talking about my experiences and frustrations on a "systems" level.
Thanks,
-Slashy
I thank and support you (truly I do), but I'm not on the DID spectrum.
Your comment mirrors many of my baby sister's, so you're not alone.I must apologize because the problem definitely is on my end. People come here seeking guidance and solidarity and I should expect that. I'm stuck in "technician" mode, troubleshooting faults down to root causes.
I shouldn't expect everyone come at it the same way I do.
Everyone experiences cPTSD on multiple levels. "This is what they did to me" or "these are therapies I've found helpful". The reason they *talk* about it is to give advice or receive kinship, which is all valid and expected. In fact, it's probably what I should be doing myself.
I should expect everyone (including myself) to focus on other levels. "These are the traumatic events", "This is how I feel", "This is my therapy/ recovery", etc.
But instead of doing that, I'm focused on identifying and rectifying specific faults. "These are the specific failures I've identified that were caused by my trauma and the symptoms that led me to them". Again... It's a "me" problem and I'm sorry. It's very possible that I may be the only one talking about my experiences and frustrations on a "systems" level.
Thanks,
-Slashy
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 21, 2026, 01:30:37 PMNo, you're not crazy.
The inner child concept has proved helpful to many people, including me, but when I first came across the idea I thought it was a load of therapist woo woo. Then I started to see the possible benefits of treating myself as if there were an inner child who needed to be looked after although I was pretty sure I didn't have one. Turned out I do, so I'm glad I was open to that idea. But everything is not for everyone. And healing is a difficult concept because I don't know what it looks like, not having any prior experience of "normal" before the trauma.
As for your experiences - yes, I find those are a huge part of CPTSD too. Other people do talk about them but they're not always an easy fit for separate discussion threads so those aspects seem to come out in people's journals most often.
I have missing memories. A big chunk from early childhood which I have always kind of been aware of. But more recently, now I know more about what is going on, I notice that I tend to lose memories when I dissociate. Not always, and not fully, but very regularly.
Your comments about trust issues also resonate and I generally feel much safer alone than in company of any kind, even safe company.
The roller disco date night you have planned sounds really fun. Although I can see why you might have a secret yearning for the granny walker idea. My husband has to use a walker as he has really bad knees, and now I am going to imagine him on roller skates every time he uses it!
The inner child concept has proved helpful to many people, including me, but when I first came across the idea I thought it was a load of therapist woo woo. Then I started to see the possible benefits of treating myself as if there were an inner child who needed to be looked after although I was pretty sure I didn't have one. Turned out I do, so I'm glad I was open to that idea. But everything is not for everyone. And healing is a difficult concept because I don't know what it looks like, not having any prior experience of "normal" before the trauma.
As for your experiences - yes, I find those are a huge part of CPTSD too. Other people do talk about them but they're not always an easy fit for separate discussion threads so those aspects seem to come out in people's journals most often.
I have missing memories. A big chunk from early childhood which I have always kind of been aware of. But more recently, now I know more about what is going on, I notice that I tend to lose memories when I dissociate. Not always, and not fully, but very regularly.
Your comments about trust issues also resonate and I generally feel much safer alone than in company of any kind, even safe company.
The roller disco date night you have planned sounds really fun. Although I can see why you might have a secret yearning for the granny walker idea. My husband has to use a walker as he has really bad knees, and now I am going to imagine him on roller skates every time he uses it!
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by dollyvee - February 21, 2026, 09:16:18 AMBe gentle with yourself NK. I think very much as adults who grew up as their children, I had to protect myself byy believing they were people who loved me and would do "this" to me. That at their core, they were good, loving and had just been through trauma themselves, which meant me taking the "stuff" on, and not saying, no you are responsible, which again is difficult because sometimes this "stuff" does fall under the spectrum of being a "good" person. As my second t said to me, there's nothing wrong with the way your heart works.
But for me, it's when you get there and find out things weren't as they were "presented" or "seemed" ie it wasn't this emergency, that the upset over emotional manipulation, and my "working" heart come in. How can I trust other people when this is what I had to deal with? And I still do, wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt because they have been through things (and I extrapolate this all in my head, looking for the evidence etc etc), but the reality is, they're not choosing me for example, and this is how they decided to show up for me. This person could very much change and this x,y,z could happen, and I don't have all the information, except that I know this is how they were showing up for me, and I need to face that. (Speaking with my own experiences recently here).
Hooray for adult NK for having that conversation and asking for what you need. I often feel/fear these conversations around our current politcal climate are so divisive and people are locked into their own beliefs. So, I'm glad you are your h were able to find a way around that.
But for me, it's when you get there and find out things weren't as they were "presented" or "seemed" ie it wasn't this emergency, that the upset over emotional manipulation, and my "working" heart come in. How can I trust other people when this is what I had to deal with? And I still do, wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt because they have been through things (and I extrapolate this all in my head, looking for the evidence etc etc), but the reality is, they're not choosing me for example, and this is how they decided to show up for me. This person could very much change and this x,y,z could happen, and I don't have all the information, except that I know this is how they were showing up for me, and I need to face that. (Speaking with my own experiences recently here).
Hooray for adult NK for having that conversation and asking for what you need. I often feel/fear these conversations around our current politcal climate are so divisive and people are locked into their own beliefs. So, I'm glad you are your h were able to find a way around that.
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by dollyvee - February 21, 2026, 08:39:32 AMSlashy, I think there's others here on the DID spectrum that can probably speak to your experience more than me. I have dissociated or frozen "parts" that I only discovered were that way after reading Somatic IFS. I grew up in an NPD family where my m frequently left me alone as an infant so she could go out to party. She also told me I wasn't wanted, or a mistake. So as an adult, I have the understanding that there was a lot of preverbal trauma where things don't necessarily show up as memories per se, but feelings and sensations.
In Healing Developmental Trauma by Joseph Heller, there is something called a connection survival style where as an infant, you develop the Self by taking your Self out of your body ie dissociation, intellectualization, spiritualization etc. Your mind cuts things off because it wasn't safe to be in those environments. As an outsider, what I am getting from your journal is perhaps an fragmented intellectual understanding of what happened, but maybe not the emotional connection to Self, or what happened to a certain extent? Speaking from my experience, it's like remembering you felt happy etc, but not feeling the full extent in your body, but more your mind.
I think everyone has their own process of doing things to connect the dots to our inner, "whole" emotional world. I am not there 100% by any means, but have found things along the way that have helped --IFS and NARM were two of them as well as EMDR, but to me, it's like a behind the scenes thing. I feel like IFS was the first thing where I felt an emotional connection to my inner world. (I've also helped my anxiety by dealing with things on a body level by addressing health concerns, but that's a whole other topic).
When I started IFS journeying on my own, I didn't understand anything really that was coming up. I think it's because my inner sense of self was so fragmented from a young age. It's also something I am finding more difficult to do right now, perhaps because I don't know how to approach these preverbal, somatic memories, but I think NARM has helped with that by helping bring my attention back to myself in a way, and start to recognize the sensations when they do come up. So, they're not just immediately "boxed away" as unsafe.
With inner children for me, when people would say take care of your inner children at first, it was blank. Like ok, I can pretend to do that, or feel like I'm going through the motions, but the concept is quite foreign to me. I think I have a sense and connection to different parts at certain ages now where it's not an "idea" of a part, but something that actually "popped out" that I can relate to in IFS.
I don't know how much you've read about these things, so apologies if I overlap or sound condescending. Please take what feels useful and leave the rest.
Sending you support,
dolly
In Healing Developmental Trauma by Joseph Heller, there is something called a connection survival style where as an infant, you develop the Self by taking your Self out of your body ie dissociation, intellectualization, spiritualization etc. Your mind cuts things off because it wasn't safe to be in those environments. As an outsider, what I am getting from your journal is perhaps an fragmented intellectual understanding of what happened, but maybe not the emotional connection to Self, or what happened to a certain extent? Speaking from my experience, it's like remembering you felt happy etc, but not feeling the full extent in your body, but more your mind.
I think everyone has their own process of doing things to connect the dots to our inner, "whole" emotional world. I am not there 100% by any means, but have found things along the way that have helped --IFS and NARM were two of them as well as EMDR, but to me, it's like a behind the scenes thing. I feel like IFS was the first thing where I felt an emotional connection to my inner world. (I've also helped my anxiety by dealing with things on a body level by addressing health concerns, but that's a whole other topic).
When I started IFS journeying on my own, I didn't understand anything really that was coming up. I think it's because my inner sense of self was so fragmented from a young age. It's also something I am finding more difficult to do right now, perhaps because I don't know how to approach these preverbal, somatic memories, but I think NARM has helped with that by helping bring my attention back to myself in a way, and start to recognize the sensations when they do come up. So, they're not just immediately "boxed away" as unsafe.
With inner children for me, when people would say take care of your inner children at first, it was blank. Like ok, I can pretend to do that, or feel like I'm going through the motions, but the concept is quite foreign to me. I think I have a sense and connection to different parts at certain ages now where it's not an "idea" of a part, but something that actually "popped out" that I can relate to in IFS.
I don't know how much you've read about these things, so apologies if I overlap or sound condescending. Please take what feels useful and leave the rest.
Sending you support,
dolly
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 06:49:18 AM All,
I feel like maybe I'm way down in the weeds and not talking about this the right way.
You guys are focused on healing journeys, support, reintegrating, inner children, etc... But I'm not relating to it. I fear that you perhaps aren't quite relating to me either.
I'm talking about dissociative amnesia, depersonalization, derealization, hypervigilance, and anxiety.
It's central to my experience of cPTSD, but for some reason nobody ever seems to talk about it. My memories are all jumbled/missing and I feel like I'm not "me". I don't like or trust others in general and I don't want them around me.
I'm not crazy, am I? You folks have similar experiences? Or is this just a "me" thing?
Help a brutha out,
-Slashy
I feel like maybe I'm way down in the weeds and not talking about this the right way.
You guys are focused on healing journeys, support, reintegrating, inner children, etc... But I'm not relating to it. I fear that you perhaps aren't quite relating to me either.
I'm talking about dissociative amnesia, depersonalization, derealization, hypervigilance, and anxiety.
It's central to my experience of cPTSD, but for some reason nobody ever seems to talk about it. My memories are all jumbled/missing and I feel like I'm not "me". I don't like or trust others in general and I don't want them around me.
I'm not crazy, am I? You folks have similar experiences? Or is this just a "me" thing?
Help a brutha out,
-Slashy
#87
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: What is this feeling
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 21, 2026, 04:41:44 AMblue sky, i can't imagine all the thoughts, fears that might be going thru your mind after seeing that picture. triggers for you because of your experience w/ that little girl's father, fears that he may do the same to her, confusion about family's concerns, and what to do about your own, to name several that came to mind. if you have a T, i hope you can get some help there. if not, maybe writing all your emotions down, what they're connected to, etc., might help give you some clarity. options you have and the pros and cons for each. sometimes i've found it helpful to get this kind of thing out of my head and see it in black and white. don't know if that's helpful for you or not.
at any rate, i think it's an awful situation for you, and whatever you choose to say, think, or do, i hope you know that it is the right thing for you at this present time. what you decide now might be something different than what you decide later, or what you might've decided yesterday. another thing that's helped me is to write down my decision in just the words i would like to use, then let it sit w/o doing anything for a day or two and revisit it. for me, it gives me time to be concrete about if that's what i really want to do, and it also allows me to revisit my initial way of saying it (or leaving it alone) and making revisions that seem pertinent.
you have time, and because it's a sticky family situation, you can take as much time as you need. another little thing i've used on myself is the regret question: if i do/don't do whatever, will i regret it later? anyway, don't know if any of this is helpful, but just some thoughts of what i've done for myself in the past when faced w/ sticky/uncomfortable choices and decisions, like finally going NC w/ my oldest daughter, to name one. of course, i thoroughly support whatever decision you go with. only you know what's best for you and the situation. love and hugs
at any rate, i think it's an awful situation for you, and whatever you choose to say, think, or do, i hope you know that it is the right thing for you at this present time. what you decide now might be something different than what you decide later, or what you might've decided yesterday. another thing that's helped me is to write down my decision in just the words i would like to use, then let it sit w/o doing anything for a day or two and revisit it. for me, it gives me time to be concrete about if that's what i really want to do, and it also allows me to revisit my initial way of saying it (or leaving it alone) and making revisions that seem pertinent.
you have time, and because it's a sticky family situation, you can take as much time as you need. another little thing i've used on myself is the regret question: if i do/don't do whatever, will i regret it later? anyway, don't know if any of this is helpful, but just some thoughts of what i've done for myself in the past when faced w/ sticky/uncomfortable choices and decisions, like finally going NC w/ my oldest daughter, to name one. of course, i thoroughly support whatever decision you go with. only you know what's best for you and the situation. love and hugs
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 21, 2026, 04:38:35 AM
for adult NK #89
Recovery Journals / Roller disco!!
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 04:31:43 AMMy GF and I got into a deep conversation last night, and the subject of roller skating came up.
There are a lot of hilarious asides because she's a literal "red headed stepchild" and fellow child abuse survivor with cPTSD who took an opposite but complementary path to my own. We've bonded on an "old married couple" level as a result.
She's short, awkward, and sometimes unintentionally hilarious in an adorable way.
She was born in 1977 and cannot roller skate, but wants to learn. Her plan was to skate around in the street with a granny walker and helmet, but she had been sidelined by injuries. I very much want to see that because "funny".
But I had a better idea: I would take her skating myself. She seemed taken aback. "You can skate"??
Girl! Can I skate? Let me fill you in...
I went into the subject of "roller disco" as she would've understood it. Awkward tweeners rolling around a rink, '80s music, pizza, and arcade games. We reminisced about that because I had the same experience, but I went on to explain that "roller disco" had a "before- time" that I had the fortune to be part of as well.
Back in the late '70s it was a literal adult disco party on skates. Disco ball and lights, disco and funk music, dancing and showing off your moves on roller skates. It was adult themed and not meant for kids, but they'd let us in for the early skate. And I was *good* at it! My older brother, baby sister, and I would put on coordinated dance routines that the adults loved!
"Can I skate"? * yeah I can skate!!
So I planned a date for next week. We will go down to the "Quarter Barrel" for some poutine, arcade video games, and cheesy '80s movies. Then we'll head up to "Super Skate" for some roller disco fun. It's going to be 100% '80s throwback night. And I'm inviting everyone who's old enough to remember.
Best,
-Slashy
There are a lot of hilarious asides because she's a literal "red headed stepchild" and fellow child abuse survivor with cPTSD who took an opposite but complementary path to my own. We've bonded on an "old married couple" level as a result.
She's short, awkward, and sometimes unintentionally hilarious in an adorable way.
She was born in 1977 and cannot roller skate, but wants to learn. Her plan was to skate around in the street with a granny walker and helmet, but she had been sidelined by injuries. I very much want to see that because "funny".
But I had a better idea: I would take her skating myself. She seemed taken aback. "You can skate"??
Girl! Can I skate? Let me fill you in...
I went into the subject of "roller disco" as she would've understood it. Awkward tweeners rolling around a rink, '80s music, pizza, and arcade games. We reminisced about that because I had the same experience, but I went on to explain that "roller disco" had a "before- time" that I had the fortune to be part of as well.
Back in the late '70s it was a literal adult disco party on skates. Disco ball and lights, disco and funk music, dancing and showing off your moves on roller skates. It was adult themed and not meant for kids, but they'd let us in for the early skate. And I was *good* at it! My older brother, baby sister, and I would put on coordinated dance routines that the adults loved!
"Can I skate"? * yeah I can skate!!
So I planned a date for next week. We will go down to the "Quarter Barrel" for some poutine, arcade video games, and cheesy '80s movies. Then we'll head up to "Super Skate" for some roller disco fun. It's going to be 100% '80s throwback night. And I'm inviting everyone who's old enough to remember.
Best,
-Slashy
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Armee - February 21, 2026, 03:39:05 AMYou just keep going forward, NK, it's truly impressive and inspiring ESPECIALLY being in the middle of FOO madness and elder care. It's really really really impressive.