Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 01, 2026, 04:10:40 PMQuote from: Desert Flower on January 01, 2026, 02:50:51 PMHello HannahOne, a belated welcome to you to the forum and it sure sounds you came to the right place. I'm very sad for you having had these experiences and feeling the way you do now as a result. And it makes so much sense to me. Most everything you wrote resonates with me so much it's unbelievable. Me, I have 'known' I have CPTSD for a while now but still part of me wants to forget that and reading your story is extremely valididating to me too, so I want to thank you for sharing. Yes, these are normal responses to a terrible upbringing.
Including what you wrote about your wardrobe, I have similiar 'interesting' features and feelings surrounding that, repeating patterns I know so well and that were useful/necessary before and other parts not wanting to do do that anymore. Stuff I used to wear for years, wanting to hide myself in them. And a tiny part of me not wanting to be so 'modest' at all! Stuff I still wear because I know my mother would have approved of them (if not of me) and even still I'm wearing her clothes too.
And I also do something similar to your counting things. I make lists in my head of houses I lived in, cars I owned, places I visited for holidays etc. And I really want to finish these lists in my head as well. It seems to be some coping mechanism, I'm thinking it's OCD-ish (for me that is). I recently discovered this and now, whenever I catch myself, I try telling myself I'm safe instead. (Not to be taken as advice, only sharing what it's like for me.)
Hope I'm not crowding your journal, please let me know if I am. I hope I'm not trespassing. It all just resonated to much I wanted to share.
I'm sending best wishes for you and a hug if that's okay.
Thank you DesertFlower for commenting! Thank you for sharing what resonated with you, it feels so good to hear what makes sense to others.
No I dont' feel anyone is crowding my journal but thank you for asking. I don't really know how these should be done or how I should be replying but I really value hearing what other people think and feel on here. I am trying to understand myself and I can only do that in the context of other people, because I am a people
I am trying to remember that I am a member of the human race. I am very happy to clutter my own journal with comments It's a community document and I hope it may even be helpful to others too.I am looking for commonality with other people and also interested in their uniqueness so I appreciate hearing what resonated for you or how it differed, I learn from that too. Thank you for sharing your experience with taking delivery of what it means to have CPTSD, and your experience with clothes!
Thank you also for commenting about counting things. I was interested in what you said. I do think I have a touch of OCD, as hoarding and OCD run in my family. I also wonder about the relationship of OCD in my own case with trauma. There are many ways counting functions for me.
I think one reason is that in my early childhood years I experienced neglect. My parents were young. They told me they would go play cards with the neighboring apartments, beers. Fun, where was I? Oh, in my crib. For hours of cards and drinking. Standards of parenting were different then, but yikes. I was a three pound preemie, guys...My first memories are sitting at the sliding window in the apartment as darkness fell. Alone in the apartment, I must have been a late toddler. Seeing all the twinkling lights knowing there were people out there and I would find them someday. Add in that we were quite poor, my mother wasn't mentally well and also didn't drive so couldn't get groceries, my father was working 80 hour weeks on commission and extremely rigid and controlling about what could be purchased... there just wasn't much of anyone in the house even when they were home, and wasn't much food in general.
I count to have a sense of control. My narc dad wanted me to be a genius so he taught me things very young. My first memories of food is counting bites. Later I counted the apples in the fridge and figured if they didn't come back, I could eat one per day and survive four days. This was before kindergarten so I must have been about four.
I count because OCD was made worse by religiosity, which my parents got deeper and deeper into as I grew up. So I had fear and a sense that I needed inner control, to keep track, monitor.
I also think that I count because I am very concerned that I don't hoard. Counting makes sure it's a manageable amount of things.
I find that when I'm doing a behavior the causes are always multifactorial, and because it works for multiple reasons and for multiple aspects of me. You could say counting meets the needs of multiple parts of me: parts that want control, parts that want security, parts that want to make sure it's enough, parts that want to make sure it's not too much or fear being overwhelmed, parts that need to monitor. Those all sound similar but they're coming from different experiences, of lack, of hoarding, of religion, of fear.
You use parts language, and I do too. I've found it the only way to make sense of my contradictions, and the best way to be authentic about my experience. I need to be able to say, "part of me thinks this, but the other part thinks that..." if I just say "I think this," it's not true and it can't be, I have no way to be honest in that way of expression.
The poverty changed as I grew my father was able to pull us to the middle class and by high school I went to a private prep school (at which point my mother learned to drive, yay! began to hoard, boo!, and we had TOO MUCh stuff). The prep school was awesome and gave me my path out. However, it also made me hyperaware of class, and my place. I had to learn a lot of new customs, ways of speaking, topics to speak about and not speak about, mannerisms, ways to dress and do hair, BRANDS, lol.... and of course I couldn't ever pull it off, and not only because my father wouldn't buy me the expensive things. I think that's part of why I love the fashion mashup! I am a mashup myself, of cultures, class, place, style, values, a mashup of experiences of poverty and privilege, abuse and care, extreme neglect and extreme support. There are so many oddities in my life experience, I mean, who doesn't make sure their toddler has food, but buys them books and teaches them to read? A narcissist! Who knocks their kid down, then carries them to bed? A narcissist? Who sends their abused and neglected child to an expensive prep school!? A narcissist! How could such a frugal man who wont' turn on the hot water heater and made us take icy showers in a 55 degree house in winter spend money on private school? Because he's a narcissist! It's really a lot of contradiction to manage. Counting is simple
The clothes is how I'm trying to bring it all together right now, to express the contradictions that make up all parts of me, so that I can make sense to others and myself...so I can connect. I can't be a person alone, we are herd animals
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 01, 2026, 03:33:59 PMDF, your hugs and caring are so meaningful to me. thank you from my heart. 
SO, i appreciate that big hug from holland. i can see it clearly surrounded by tulips, which may sound cliche, but i love flowers so much and their link to holland is embedded in my brain. thank you.
started feeling a little better today. have no nothings for the new year. just trying to get from one day to the next w/o losing my mind.
SO, i appreciate that big hug from holland. i can see it clearly surrounded by tulips, which may sound cliche, but i love flowers so much and their link to holland is embedded in my brain. thank you.
started feeling a little better today. have no nothings for the new year. just trying to get from one day to the next w/o losing my mind.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 01, 2026, 03:29:13 PMhey, chart, i understand that it may feel like fear is a 'nothing', which is why it can make it so hard to be rid of it, but thinking about that, it came to mind that fear is not 'nothing' but a big, fat something taking space in our bodies and minds. you spoke before about waking up w/ fear, and how your parents would argue in the mornings, so being awake was fearful, actually, while sleep was w/o fear. that made a whole lot of sense to me, and i can also picture that fear as being large, intense, and terrifying. but i can also see it as a 'something' that can eventually be addressed and diminished.
i had a similar situation for quite a while where the idea of living with fear was unknown to me, (while it's the opposite for you) so when i finally began getting some of that emotion back, i didn't know how to live with it. i wrote here several times that i couldn't understand how people lived in fear for so much of their lives, how they coped, how they went about day to day shadowed by fear. to feel real fear for the first time nearly dragged me underwater.
as i keep working on it, continue to change those neural networks, i'm getting a little more used to it being a part of life, but it's taken time and repositioning my thought processes to accept it. i think any time we look to change something it's important to give ourselves time, patience, and love. i hope for those 3 things as you wander thru this forest of fear, taking down the old, dead branches that are better used as mulch for the forest floor and the new growth possible. love and hugs
i had a similar situation for quite a while where the idea of living with fear was unknown to me, (while it's the opposite for you) so when i finally began getting some of that emotion back, i didn't know how to live with it. i wrote here several times that i couldn't understand how people lived in fear for so much of their lives, how they coped, how they went about day to day shadowed by fear. to feel real fear for the first time nearly dragged me underwater.
as i keep working on it, continue to change those neural networks, i'm getting a little more used to it being a part of life, but it's taken time and repositioning my thought processes to accept it. i think any time we look to change something it's important to give ourselves time, patience, and love. i hope for those 3 things as you wander thru this forest of fear, taking down the old, dead branches that are better used as mulch for the forest floor and the new growth possible. love and hugs
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 01, 2026, 03:20:34 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on January 01, 2026, 03:13:29 PMstill hear his silence
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 01, 2026, 03:17:57 PMThank you Marcine, Chart, and NarcKiddo for the comments. I really appreciate it. It's important for us to feel heard.
Marcine, thank you for commenting! yes I love how you put it, it does feel like a triumph over my past and my father's worldview. I struggle with this because I don't want to disown my past, I want to own it and make it truly mine, which means adapting it to fit me, like altering my men's thrifted trousers to fit me or tying my button down at the waist. When I do that the feeling really is triumphant, I can feel joy of my inner child or past self, it feels like keeping a promise. Also, I thrifted, which is frugal as he was, and then spent cash on tailoring, LOL, which he would never do. This is a dance I'm continuing to figure out. He still looms large in some ways, I can't make decisions without factoring his influence in, but that's because if I don't consciously factor in his influence, I often just act out what he would do unconsciously out of fear or habit. I don't want to live in his limited world.
Chart, thank you! I used to be a professional writer. I don't know how I feel about that anymore but unlike painting, with writing I feel I have some control or mastery sometimes and that feels pretty good. Often it's still a lot of effort but it feels good to be able to make choices on how to express myself, to know what the choices are, to understand the structure and be able to pick one. I'm practicing that same thing with clothes now. So if you like writing I hope you keep at it because expressing yourself how you choose is important, you deserve that.
NarcKiddo, thank you for sharing that you also have a complicated relationship with clothing! I'm a bit amazed at how much people here have in common. It feels so good to hear similarities with others and also learn more about how we are different and unique individuals.
Marcine, thank you for commenting! yes I love how you put it, it does feel like a triumph over my past and my father's worldview. I struggle with this because I don't want to disown my past, I want to own it and make it truly mine, which means adapting it to fit me, like altering my men's thrifted trousers to fit me or tying my button down at the waist. When I do that the feeling really is triumphant, I can feel joy of my inner child or past self, it feels like keeping a promise. Also, I thrifted, which is frugal as he was, and then spent cash on tailoring, LOL, which he would never do. This is a dance I'm continuing to figure out. He still looms large in some ways, I can't make decisions without factoring his influence in, but that's because if I don't consciously factor in his influence, I often just act out what he would do unconsciously out of fear or habit. I don't want to live in his limited world.
Chart, thank you! I used to be a professional writer. I don't know how I feel about that anymore but unlike painting, with writing I feel I have some control or mastery sometimes and that feels pretty good. Often it's still a lot of effort but it feels good to be able to make choices on how to express myself, to know what the choices are, to understand the structure and be able to pick one. I'm practicing that same thing with clothes now. So if you like writing I hope you keep at it because expressing yourself how you choose is important, you deserve that.
NarcKiddo, thank you for sharing that you also have a complicated relationship with clothing! I'm a bit amazed at how much people here have in common. It feels so good to hear similarities with others and also learn more about how we are different and unique individuals.
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 01, 2026, 03:13:29 PMDF, i could relate so much to the idea of 'maybe this will make them accept/love/be proud/etc. me, even after they're gone. i've gone thru that w/ my F countless times. he died when he was 50, i was in my 20's, and wanting to be acknowledged, have him be proud of me just didn't go away, even tho i've accomplished enough in my life. i think it's a heart thing for me, in my heart i wanted him to tell me he was proud of me, and that wound has been a difficult one to heal.
so, yeah, even tho the other things are gone cuz he's gone, i can still hear his silence. love and hugs
so, yeah, even tho the other things are gone cuz he's gone, i can still hear his silence. love and hugs
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 01, 2026, 02:56:59 PMQuote from: dollyvee on January 01, 2026, 09:24:01 AMIt was always the struggle (or fear because I never know what is coming) that was familiar and without it, who would I be?Indeed, without the Fear, who would I be? Like digging a hole in the sand just where the waves roll up the beach. Every spade I take out comes rushing closed with the next wave. I've seen my Fear clearly for decades now. Many have told me, let go. But each time I try to drop the script of my past, the story seems to stay the same. It takes insane stillness to hear the change in silence. It is so very hard to let go of nothing.
But I shan't stop trying. Thankyou DV, for your thoughts and well-wishes.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Desert Flower - January 01, 2026, 02:50:51 PMHello HannahOne, a belated welcome to you to the forum and it sure sounds you came to the right place. I'm very sad for you having had these experiences and feeling the way you do now as a result. And it makes so much sense to me. Most everything you wrote resonates with me so much it's unbelievable. Me, I have 'known' I have CPTSD for a while now but still part of me wants to forget that and reading your story is extremely valididating to me too, so I want to thank you for sharing. Yes, these are normal responses to a terrible upbringing.
Including what you wrote about your wardrobe, I have similiar 'interesting' features and feelings surrounding that, repeating patterns I know so well and that were useful/necessary before and other parts not wanting to do do that anymore. Stuff I used to wear for years, wanting to hide myself in them. And a tiny part of me not wanting to be so 'modest' at all! Stuff I still wear because I know my mother would have approved of them (if not of me) and even still I'm wearing her clothes too.
And I also do something similar to your counting things. I make lists in my head of houses I lived in, cars I owned, places I visited for holidays etc. And I really want to finish these lists in my head as well. It seems to be some coping mechanism, I'm thinking it's OCD-ish (for me that is). I recently discovered this and now, whenever I catch myself, I try telling myself I'm safe instead. (Not to be taken as advice, only sharing what it's like for me.)
Hope I'm not crowding your journal, please let me know if I am. I hope I'm not trespassing. It all just resonated to much I wanted to share.
I'm sending best wishes for you and a hug if that's okay.
Including what you wrote about your wardrobe, I have similiar 'interesting' features and feelings surrounding that, repeating patterns I know so well and that were useful/necessary before and other parts not wanting to do do that anymore. Stuff I used to wear for years, wanting to hide myself in them. And a tiny part of me not wanting to be so 'modest' at all! Stuff I still wear because I know my mother would have approved of them (if not of me) and even still I'm wearing her clothes too.
And I also do something similar to your counting things. I make lists in my head of houses I lived in, cars I owned, places I visited for holidays etc. And I really want to finish these lists in my head as well. It seems to be some coping mechanism, I'm thinking it's OCD-ish (for me that is). I recently discovered this and now, whenever I catch myself, I try telling myself I'm safe instead. (Not to be taken as advice, only sharing what it's like for me.)
Hope I'm not crowding your journal, please let me know if I am. I hope I'm not trespassing. It all just resonated to much I wanted to share.
I'm sending best wishes for you and a hug if that's okay.
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 01, 2026, 02:50:24 PMi'm in! happy new year! love and hugs 
#90
Inner Child Work / This is new
Last post by Ran - January 01, 2026, 01:57:38 PMHey,
It's been a bit, but one ways that has been helping me is working with my inner child.
Firstly I started doing the vitamin breaks, what are like time of day, where I take a fruit/vedgetable break. I cut them up and put on a plate for my inner child to enjoy. It helps me be more disciplined and create a healtier routine, because I have a responsibility infront of my inner child.
Another thing. Lately there us a guy in my life. He knows about my inner child and cptsd. He is very kind and supportive. He kinda became the father figure. Not in a freaky way or anything like that. Mostly he's been trying to get my inner child out more. Make me play and have fun and smile. We even wondered if we have been good parents. It's kinda sweet.
I don't think my inner child minds his presence. She quite likes it. I do feel supported.
It's all very healing. I feel apprehensive though about the future. It's all just a new territory for me. I don't know much about inner children and that is a topic where I need to research more.
I can't get to therapy now. I am in waitlist, but it's a 2 year long waitlist.
It's been a bit, but one ways that has been helping me is working with my inner child.
Firstly I started doing the vitamin breaks, what are like time of day, where I take a fruit/vedgetable break. I cut them up and put on a plate for my inner child to enjoy. It helps me be more disciplined and create a healtier routine, because I have a responsibility infront of my inner child.
Another thing. Lately there us a guy in my life. He knows about my inner child and cptsd. He is very kind and supportive. He kinda became the father figure. Not in a freaky way or anything like that. Mostly he's been trying to get my inner child out more. Make me play and have fun and smile. We even wondered if we have been good parents. It's kinda sweet.
I don't think my inner child minds his presence. She quite likes it. I do feel supported.
It's all very healing. I feel apprehensive though about the future. It's all just a new territory for me. I don't know much about inner children and that is a topic where I need to research more.
I can't get to therapy now. I am in waitlist, but it's a 2 year long waitlist.