Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 26, 2026, 04:02:20 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on February 26, 2026, 03:05:12 PMi think a lot of us here didn't get the amount nor the type of compost we've needed to grow up strong and healthy.
Ain't that the truth! We just got manure. Which is all very well for plants but for little humans not so much.
#82
SOT - Sense of Threat / Visceral revulsion when around...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 26, 2026, 03:59:41 PMMy feeling of revulsion around family, M in particular, has been coming up a lot in therapy recently. So I thought I'd post here to see if anyone else has similar experience, or thoughts on it.
I do not want to be physically close to M. I avoid the perfunctory greeting peck on the cheek or hug as much as humanly possible without being outright rude.
My family often talk about things I object to. Their political views, thoughts on women etc are very unpleasant. But my T has pointed out that while their views are not exactly mainstream they are not total outliers either. Do I feel the same physical revulsion at anyone else expressing such things? Generally I don't unless it is someone who directly brings my family to mind due to being an obvious narcissist. But when FOO starts going on about such things I really boil up inside and want to get them far, far away from me.
I kind of liken it to a tarantula. I can objectively admire a tarantula and I can see that my FOO has some decent attributes. But that does not mean I want a tarantula wandering around in the same room as me!
We ran out of time in therapy today and undoubtedly I will discuss it more with T. My visceral reaction feels like a child reaction. I guess triggered by a feeling of danger. Interestingly, many years ago when FIL first met my M he pulled H aside and said "Be careful. That is a very dangerous woman."
I'm reading Mother Hunger at present. At one point the book invites the reader to remember a time they felt safe as a child and explore where they were and who was there. I have never, ever, not once, felt safe around my M. Does that mean she was dangerous or just that I did not feel safe? If she was dangerous, how was she dangerous? Clearly that's for me to ponder on and process.
But that revulsion? Where does it come from? I don't have children and I sometimes find myself actively thinking that it's a good job neither my sister nor myself has procreated. It's not a gene pool that needs perpetuating.
I do not want to be physically close to M. I avoid the perfunctory greeting peck on the cheek or hug as much as humanly possible without being outright rude.
My family often talk about things I object to. Their political views, thoughts on women etc are very unpleasant. But my T has pointed out that while their views are not exactly mainstream they are not total outliers either. Do I feel the same physical revulsion at anyone else expressing such things? Generally I don't unless it is someone who directly brings my family to mind due to being an obvious narcissist. But when FOO starts going on about such things I really boil up inside and want to get them far, far away from me.
I kind of liken it to a tarantula. I can objectively admire a tarantula and I can see that my FOO has some decent attributes. But that does not mean I want a tarantula wandering around in the same room as me!
We ran out of time in therapy today and undoubtedly I will discuss it more with T. My visceral reaction feels like a child reaction. I guess triggered by a feeling of danger. Interestingly, many years ago when FIL first met my M he pulled H aside and said "Be careful. That is a very dangerous woman."
I'm reading Mother Hunger at present. At one point the book invites the reader to remember a time they felt safe as a child and explore where they were and who was there. I have never, ever, not once, felt safe around my M. Does that mean she was dangerous or just that I did not feel safe? If she was dangerous, how was she dangerous? Clearly that's for me to ponder on and process.
But that revulsion? Where does it come from? I don't have children and I sometimes find myself actively thinking that it's a good job neither my sister nor myself has procreated. It's not a gene pool that needs perpetuating.
#83
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 26, 2026, 03:42:45 PMI'm glad you found us, and that you have had the courage to make your first post. I know how tough that is, so very well done.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 26, 2026, 03:34:01 PMso, the shift didn't stick around too long - i was a mess yesterday, even had a cigarette, my second in 2 weeks. i'm still so tired, just worn out, even tho i've been getting decent sleep. all that running around, driving here and there took more out of me than i first thought. i'm activating my feet now (thanks, blueberry), so that's at least something, but i don't feel energized enough to do more, except dishes later. can't rely on anything pos. still.
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 26, 2026, 03:29:51 PMQuote from: HannahOne on February 25, 2026, 09:06:58 PMInstead, I start thinking. Did she mean what she said? What did she mean? She didn't mean that. She said something opposite before. But what if she did mean it? How can I know? I'm overthinking it. No I'm not!
Hannah1, this quote got to me. i live in a part of the country where people are very 'nice', as in, they don't always tell the truth for fear of hurting someone's feelings. not that they have to come out and say 'yuck, i hate that' or anything harsh - there are ways to say something just doesn't work for you, or it's not of your personal taste w/o being brutal or unkind - but too many people i know do actually lie or skirt the truth in a way to leave me confused, and, yes, i now have to question many things told me by these people.
example: i asked my friend if she like quacamole, and she gave me an enthusiastic 'yes', so i made some the way i learned from living in mexico. i gave her a container of it, the next time i talked to her i asked her if she liked it, she said 'it's all gone'. then i said, ok, cool, i'll make more when i get avocados, and she hesitated before whatever it was she said. so, the next time i saw her, i asked about the hesitation, the 'it's all gone' statement, and she told me neither she nor her hub liked it, and it was tossed (gone). he happened to be there at the tie, i said 'i hear you didn't like the guacamole i made' and he froze, stock still, deer in the headlights, looked at his wife, and i said that she'd already told me neither of them had liked it.
then came the time-aged strategy explanation - we didn't want to hurt your feelings. i said, you know, i heard you liked it, and i was going to make more for you (to me guac is a treat!), but you would've let me go thru all that work just to throw it away? i'd rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie, and just cuz you don't like something i've given you doesn't hurt my feelings.
what came from this is much more wariness around these people, all the questions you asked, cuz on more than one occasion there has been promises made and broken, say one thing one time, the opposite another time, expectations that weren't followed thru on, and i've decided i really can't trust them to be honest with me. so, yes, all those questions you asked, i think they can be pertinent in such situations. w/ such 'nice' people we can rarely be sure they'll follow thru on what they've said, or mean what they say in the first place. it's too bad. but, please, don't make yourself crazy over it. too many people have been taught to lie to 'save face', or not hurt someone's feelings. just tread carefully, i think, and understand what might be going on underneath what someone says. i think that's one way we can protect ourselves.
by the by, this friend has other very good qualities, which is why i'm not going to eliminate her from my life - at least not now - but i remain wary, and take what she says w/ a grain of salt till i see proof. love and hugs
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 26, 2026, 03:09:03 PM
ditto.when i got married in mexico, i told my mexican husband that i was no mexican wife, to not expect me to make mexican dishes (i never wanted to compare my cooking w/ that of my mother-in-law - there's no competition there. mom's meals will always win out!
so, yeah, i hear you. love and hugs
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 26, 2026, 03:05:12 PMdang, SO, it's all about the roots, isn't it! strong, healthy roots give way to strong, healthy plants. you know that, and perhaps others in that group will come to learn it as well.
i think a lot of us here didn't get the amount nor the type of compost we've needed to grow up strong and healthy. but, here we are, attempting to rectify the situation, giving ourselves as much compost now as we can tolerate in order to keep growing in a stronger, healthier way. natural gardening, according to our own needs. yep. love and hugs
i think a lot of us here didn't get the amount nor the type of compost we've needed to grow up strong and healthy. but, here we are, attempting to rectify the situation, giving ourselves as much compost now as we can tolerate in order to keep growing in a stronger, healthier way. natural gardening, according to our own needs. yep. love and hugs
#88
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi everyone
Last post by bluejayway - February 26, 2026, 02:26:42 PMHello,
I'm new here and new to sharing on forums in general. I have been reading some of the posts and am feeling quite emotional. I've known that I have CPTSD cognitively for years now, but I am only coming to terms with it emotionally and somatically in the last year.
Last year was very intense for me after receiving a late diagnosis of Audhd at the age of 32 while I was travelling around India for a year. I am working through the denial and relief, loss and joy diagnosis brings. Recently, I did safeguarding training for a youth mentoring role, and it triggered a trauma response, which has taken me 70 days to reach a firm footing in myself again. I have been having anxious, scary thoughts that originate from transferred shame from childhood abuse and neglect. Also, I think from repressed body memories.
For months, my identity has been clouded. It feels like the fog that surrounded me growing up. The kind that has kept me in transactional friendships, that I took for real and meaningful. I wish to break from these cycles. I'm here to find meaningful connections, to express myself authentically, and to learn to live with CPTSD and feel what reciprocity is like.
Thanks to therapy, art, music, poetry, nature, and animals, I feel stronger.
It has taken a long time to build up the strength to find this place and share something. It means a lot to me to be here.
I'm new here and new to sharing on forums in general. I have been reading some of the posts and am feeling quite emotional. I've known that I have CPTSD cognitively for years now, but I am only coming to terms with it emotionally and somatically in the last year.
Last year was very intense for me after receiving a late diagnosis of Audhd at the age of 32 while I was travelling around India for a year. I am working through the denial and relief, loss and joy diagnosis brings. Recently, I did safeguarding training for a youth mentoring role, and it triggered a trauma response, which has taken me 70 days to reach a firm footing in myself again. I have been having anxious, scary thoughts that originate from transferred shame from childhood abuse and neglect. Also, I think from repressed body memories.
For months, my identity has been clouded. It feels like the fog that surrounded me growing up. The kind that has kept me in transactional friendships, that I took for real and meaningful. I wish to break from these cycles. I'm here to find meaningful connections, to express myself authentically, and to learn to live with CPTSD and feel what reciprocity is like.
Thanks to therapy, art, music, poetry, nature, and animals, I feel stronger.
It has taken a long time to build up the strength to find this place and share something. It means a lot to me to be here.
#89
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here - I want to ackno...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 26, 2026, 01:51:19 PMHi Doug, welcome 
I'm really glad you found your way here.
Naming that trauma affects you every day - especially when you've spent so long pushing through and functioning - takes a lot of courage. And it makes sense that neglect, even when it looked "innocuous" from the outside, could have such deep and lasting effects.
It also really stands out that you kept going: working, learning, finding therapy that helped, and eventually returning to something you loved to pursue a PhD. That doesn't erase how hard it still is - the fear, the paralysis, the loneliness - but it does say something real about your resilience.
I'm glad you're here, and I hope this can be a place where you don't have to pretend you're not struggling.
(if that's ok)
I'm really glad you found your way here.
Naming that trauma affects you every day - especially when you've spent so long pushing through and functioning - takes a lot of courage. And it makes sense that neglect, even when it looked "innocuous" from the outside, could have such deep and lasting effects.
It also really stands out that you kept going: working, learning, finding therapy that helped, and eventually returning to something you loved to pursue a PhD. That doesn't erase how hard it still is - the fear, the paralysis, the loneliness - but it does say something real about your resilience.
I'm glad you're here, and I hope this can be a place where you don't have to pretend you're not struggling.
(if that's ok)
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 26, 2026, 01:35:52 PMReading this, I want to share something from my own history - not to compare or interpret, just to put it alongside.
I was also mislabelled as mentally retarded and speech-impaired as a child, and I was hospitalized for enuresis (bedwetting) at age 8. Those labels were treated as facts, not as questions. No one paused to ask what was happening to me, or whether I was okay.
Today, I'm high-functioning - I'm a professor - and when I finally understood what happened to me, including the harm those labels and interventions caused, I grieved deeply. Not just for the pain itself, but for the absence of curiosity, care, or protection. The failure wasn't in me; it was in a system that explained symptoms instead of listening to a child.
I don't have a neat conclusion. I just wanted to name this here, because what you wrote touched that place very clearly for me.
(if that's okay)
I was also mislabelled as mentally retarded and speech-impaired as a child, and I was hospitalized for enuresis (bedwetting) at age 8. Those labels were treated as facts, not as questions. No one paused to ask what was happening to me, or whether I was okay.
Today, I'm high-functioning - I'm a professor - and when I finally understood what happened to me, including the harm those labels and interventions caused, I grieved deeply. Not just for the pain itself, but for the absence of curiosity, care, or protection. The failure wasn't in me; it was in a system that explained symptoms instead of listening to a child.
I don't have a neat conclusion. I just wanted to name this here, because what you wrote touched that place very clearly for me.
(if that's okay)