Recent posts
#81
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 16, 2026, 07:11:36 PM
to both of you.Teddybear, I hear you. There are the active shamers and then the more indirect shaming that comes from "helpers," even when they think they're being reassuring. Both can land as being put under a microscope, especially when you're already tired and vulnerable.
If you haven't seen this thread yet, you might find it interesting.
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17004.0�
Especially the science behind the connection between CPTSD and obesity.
Quote from: TheBigBlue on December 01, 2025, 02:26:42 PM[...] Multiple independent meta-analyses (i.e., studies that pool data from many original studies) report that Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) exposure is associated with higher odds of obesity. [...]Given that context, it makes complete sense that comments about body size - even "neutral" or reassuring ones - can be activating. Your reaction isn't over-sensitivity; it's an understandable response to having your body treated as a topic rather than you being met as a person. I'm glad you're listening to yourself and getting support around this. 💛
#82
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 16, 2026, 06:48:32 PMThanks, Kizzie, this really landed for me.
The distinction between other-referenced and self-referenced feels like one of those concepts that explains an entire life in a single axis.
I've had several moments recently where that invisibility – that lack of reciprocity – suddenly snapped into focus.
1) I finally shared my CPTSD diagnosis with a friend – someone I'd been there for, emotionally, for years. Her response was: "Doesn't everyone feel that way?" That was the moment I realized how much of our relationship had been sustained by me holding space without ever asking for it back. Since then, when she starts container-dumping on me again, I have a clear sense of "this is one-directional." (We still collaborate professionally, so I'm careful, but the awareness alone has changed how much it hurts.)
2) A video chat with my "golden child" sister. The classic me-me-me for 15 minutes, then she says "and how is your life going?" In the two seconds it took me to take a breath to answer, she restarted the me-me-me monologue – another 10 minutes before the call ended. With the newly gained awareness, I can treat this as data now – or even chuckle internally at how comical that slapstick scene feels.
3) But the most striking aha moment came up in therapy recently. I told my therapist about having pneumonia years ago – completely alone, thinking I might die – and realizing that I never once thought "I don't want to die."
My only thought was how devastated my (very enmeshed) mother would be if I did. When my therapist gently pointed out that this reflected an absence of self-reference / lack of self – that even in a life-threatening moment my focus was entirely on someone else's emotional state – something clicked in a way it never had before.
The whole de-enmeshing and learning to self-reference is still very fresh. There's no internal roadmap yet – just moments where I notice I've disappeared and try to come back into my body, into my own needs, before I vanish completely.
"Baby steps" – sometimes it's just awareness instead of self-blame.
On the path to reciprocity as a requirement, not a luxury.
Thank you for putting words to this so clearly. It makes the work feel a little less lonely – and reassures me that I'm on the right path, no matter how dysregulating this path sometimes feels. 💛
The distinction between other-referenced and self-referenced feels like one of those concepts that explains an entire life in a single axis.
I've had several moments recently where that invisibility – that lack of reciprocity – suddenly snapped into focus.
1) I finally shared my CPTSD diagnosis with a friend – someone I'd been there for, emotionally, for years. Her response was: "Doesn't everyone feel that way?" That was the moment I realized how much of our relationship had been sustained by me holding space without ever asking for it back. Since then, when she starts container-dumping on me again, I have a clear sense of "this is one-directional." (We still collaborate professionally, so I'm careful, but the awareness alone has changed how much it hurts.)
2) A video chat with my "golden child" sister. The classic me-me-me for 15 minutes, then she says "and how is your life going?" In the two seconds it took me to take a breath to answer, she restarted the me-me-me monologue – another 10 minutes before the call ended. With the newly gained awareness, I can treat this as data now – or even chuckle internally at how comical that slapstick scene feels.
3) But the most striking aha moment came up in therapy recently. I told my therapist about having pneumonia years ago – completely alone, thinking I might die – and realizing that I never once thought "I don't want to die."
My only thought was how devastated my (very enmeshed) mother would be if I did. When my therapist gently pointed out that this reflected an absence of self-reference / lack of self – that even in a life-threatening moment my focus was entirely on someone else's emotional state – something clicked in a way it never had before.
The whole de-enmeshing and learning to self-reference is still very fresh. There's no internal roadmap yet – just moments where I notice I've disappeared and try to come back into my body, into my own needs, before I vanish completely.
"Baby steps" – sometimes it's just awareness instead of self-blame.
On the path to reciprocity as a requirement, not a luxury.
Thank you for putting words to this so clearly. It makes the work feel a little less lonely – and reassures me that I'm on the right path, no matter how dysregulating this path sometimes feels. 💛
#83
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 16, 2026, 06:40:06 PMI've struggled with overweight and obesity for the vast (no pun intended) majority of my life. Not from meds, simply from trauma and comfort eating. Not helped by terrible shaming from my mother from around the age of 10 onwards. My sibling verged on anorexia so we have both reacted, just in different ways.
I always felt very self-conscious about everything to do with my body. Not just the weight because my mother did not limit her nasty remarks to my weight alone. My hair, eyes, teeth, feet - all were fair game. Fortunately I have not had to deal with many personal comments in my adult life (other than from my mother) but I did have various medical reports which commented (factually and necessarily) on my size. That stung.
As far as medics are concerned I found it felt better if I grasped the nettle and made it clear before they raised the subject of my weight that I was aware of it. It didn't then feel like a horrible ambush of the sort my mother made.
I don't think comments about someone else's physical appearance or size are ever acceptable unless the person has specifically asked for them. It sounds like you did not and your friend brought up the subject. I know that feeling of being under a microscope and it is horrible. She may have meant well but I am not surprised you felt disappointed afterwards and I'm sorry that happened. I think even compliments can be difficult and land wrong. I'd certainly never comment on someone else's weight loss, for example, unless they had personally told me they were trying to lose. I generally limit compliments to someone's clothing choices or the colour of their manicure.
I always felt very self-conscious about everything to do with my body. Not just the weight because my mother did not limit her nasty remarks to my weight alone. My hair, eyes, teeth, feet - all were fair game. Fortunately I have not had to deal with many personal comments in my adult life (other than from my mother) but I did have various medical reports which commented (factually and necessarily) on my size. That stung.
As far as medics are concerned I found it felt better if I grasped the nettle and made it clear before they raised the subject of my weight that I was aware of it. It didn't then feel like a horrible ambush of the sort my mother made.
I don't think comments about someone else's physical appearance or size are ever acceptable unless the person has specifically asked for them. It sounds like you did not and your friend brought up the subject. I know that feeling of being under a microscope and it is horrible. She may have meant well but I am not surprised you felt disappointed afterwards and I'm sorry that happened. I think even compliments can be difficult and land wrong. I'd certainly never comment on someone else's weight loss, for example, unless they had personally told me they were trying to lose. I generally limit compliments to someone's clothing choices or the colour of their manicure.
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by SenseOrgan - February 16, 2026, 06:13:59 PMHanging in there Chart?
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by SenseOrgan - February 16, 2026, 06:12:48 PMNo worries Desert Flower. Sometimes other things deserve our time and energy. I hope you're doing well.
#86
Physical Issues / Weight fluctuations, body dysm...
Last post by Teddy bear - February 16, 2026, 06:09:54 PMHello,
I hope this is the right place to post this.
I was feeling very tired today and decided to chat with an acquaintance who also has a psychiatric history.
In general, it was a casual conversation, but I didn't like her questions about my body size and her comments afterward. Though she said it was okay—a normal size—probably trying to be reassuring, I felt like I was under a microscope.
Over the past few years, I've had an ongoing battle with my weight, which I was gaining because of psychiatric medications. (Almost everyone has this problem.) Currently, the medication should have a minimal effect, but I still haven't been able to get back into the shape I'm used to this year.
So I felt disappointed after her remarks. It also triggered my body dysmorphia, I think.
(What I was trying to convey to her, aside from expressing my feelings, is that I've read research suggesting caffeine can interact with antipsychotics. This may result in higher BMI and cholesterol. She dismissed these facts—even though she's a coffee drinker, she said it's fine for her.)
I've made an appointment with another doctor today to discuss these issues as well.
Have you experienced any similar problems: weight fluctuations, dysmorphia, or sensitivity to comments like this?
Thank you
I hope this is the right place to post this.
I was feeling very tired today and decided to chat with an acquaintance who also has a psychiatric history.
In general, it was a casual conversation, but I didn't like her questions about my body size and her comments afterward. Though she said it was okay—a normal size—probably trying to be reassuring, I felt like I was under a microscope.
Over the past few years, I've had an ongoing battle with my weight, which I was gaining because of psychiatric medications. (Almost everyone has this problem.) Currently, the medication should have a minimal effect, but I still haven't been able to get back into the shape I'm used to this year.
So I felt disappointed after her remarks. It also triggered my body dysmorphia, I think.
(What I was trying to convey to her, aside from expressing my feelings, is that I've read research suggesting caffeine can interact with antipsychotics. This may result in higher BMI and cholesterol. She dismissed these facts—even though she's a coffee drinker, she said it's fine for her.)
I've made an appointment with another doctor today to discuss these issues as well.
Have you experienced any similar problems: weight fluctuations, dysmorphia, or sensitivity to comments like this?
Thank you
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by SenseOrgan - February 16, 2026, 05:52:57 PM
Go for it San! 
Nearly every time I'm working in the woods a robin visits. I like em a lot. They're such inquisitive and undaunted creatures.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by SenseOrgan - February 16, 2026, 05:42:17 PMCongratulations Dalloway! The spell of unworthiness is broken. I'm popping the Champaign my friend. Here's to the point of no return. 🥂 
#89
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Kizzie - February 16, 2026, 05:30:20 PMHey Big Blue, as often happens when I read your posts I find myself saying "Yes!"
Several years ago I came across something to do with the being "other-referenced" versus "self-referenced". It rang so true because in my family of origin I had to constantly be on the lookout for anger leading to abuse/neglect so I was very "other-referenced" as a way of keeping as safe as I could. This carried over to all my encounters with others and I kept losing myself. I did not know who I was and how to reside in my own body. I always allowed myself to be pulled out by others and the main strategy I had was to be overly interested in them and overly empathetic to anything they were going through. It was a kind of fawning response but it did keep me safe or so I thought. What that led to is as you write "And what emerges is exactly what hurts so deeply: the feeling that something fundamentally human - reciprocal empathy - is missing." I did not ask for reciprocity, I made it seem like I didn't need it so of course people were happy to talk about themselves. It's not something that grows genuine relationships though.
At some point I knew I had to start self-referencing and it was difficult I will admit. There was no roadmap other than when I felt myself being overly concerned with others I needed to pull back and try to look after me. That felt selfish for the longest while. I also starting pulling back from people who only have the capacity to talk about themselves. Now people who do that actually make me angry because I grew up with N's and it drags me back to my roots, a place I don't want to go. When you can't get a word in edgewise it says something about that person, and it's nothing I want to rescue them from anymore or expend my energy on. That sounds a bit brutal as I write it, but I am not talking about people who need genuine empathy, support, compassion, etc. It's those who are only to happy to take up airspace without reciprocity - big red flag for me these days.
Anyway, now I feel like I am much more regulated which is to say it feels like I have an authentic interest in others and genuine empathy that I don't get lost in. I do still have to watch myself because old habits die hard, but what helps is knowing about being self versus other referenced. I can hear myself telling myself nowadays to stay in my body and make sure I remain regulated in relationships.
Great post, thanks!
Several years ago I came across something to do with the being "other-referenced" versus "self-referenced". It rang so true because in my family of origin I had to constantly be on the lookout for anger leading to abuse/neglect so I was very "other-referenced" as a way of keeping as safe as I could. This carried over to all my encounters with others and I kept losing myself. I did not know who I was and how to reside in my own body. I always allowed myself to be pulled out by others and the main strategy I had was to be overly interested in them and overly empathetic to anything they were going through. It was a kind of fawning response but it did keep me safe or so I thought. What that led to is as you write "And what emerges is exactly what hurts so deeply: the feeling that something fundamentally human - reciprocal empathy - is missing." I did not ask for reciprocity, I made it seem like I didn't need it so of course people were happy to talk about themselves. It's not something that grows genuine relationships though.
At some point I knew I had to start self-referencing and it was difficult I will admit. There was no roadmap other than when I felt myself being overly concerned with others I needed to pull back and try to look after me. That felt selfish for the longest while. I also starting pulling back from people who only have the capacity to talk about themselves. Now people who do that actually make me angry because I grew up with N's and it drags me back to my roots, a place I don't want to go. When you can't get a word in edgewise it says something about that person, and it's nothing I want to rescue them from anymore or expend my energy on. That sounds a bit brutal as I write it, but I am not talking about people who need genuine empathy, support, compassion, etc. It's those who are only to happy to take up airspace without reciprocity - big red flag for me these days.
Anyway, now I feel like I am much more regulated which is to say it feels like I have an authentic interest in others and genuine empathy that I don't get lost in. I do still have to watch myself because old habits die hard, but what helps is knowing about being self versus other referenced. I can hear myself telling myself nowadays to stay in my body and make sure I remain regulated in relationships.
Great post, thanks!
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 16, 2026, 03:53:36 PMYay for the robin and the red highlights. I'm glad you're showing your inner princess to the world again.