Recent posts
#81
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 08, 2026, 10:46:51 PMArmee, thank you for sharing your experience with IEP meetings! It's such a weird world, the SPED world of rules, meetings, evals etc. That's a lot of it, yes, I feel shame, like exposed, because my child isn't perfect and I feel blamed, or like their struggles shows something's wrong with me. But my child isn't a representation of me, they're their own person. I can't take credit for their good qualities so I can't take repsonsibility for their struggles either, it's not about my parenting it's about what the school is going to provide to help. It's tough as you know when the district says, about lifelong independently validated learning disabilities and neurodivergence, "Have you tried talking to them, Ms. HannahOne?" LOL. If I could talk them out of it, we wouldn't have a problem!
I wish you good luck at yours next week! Thankfully mine went well, the lawyer did all the talking, and we got enough of what we needed. I think I have a little mini PTSD reaction just to the idea of n IEP meeting. But in the present, it's ok.
Yeah Chart, why do I think it's my fault? I think it must be a habit, to have a sense of control. If it's my fault, somehow I could change it or control it, but I can't, my body's gonna do what it does. I did learn it's not unusual to have stitches push out. And yes it's easy to imagine insides unraveling! I have to reel myself in!
I wish you good luck at yours next week! Thankfully mine went well, the lawyer did all the talking, and we got enough of what we needed. I think I have a little mini PTSD reaction just to the idea of n IEP meeting. But in the present, it's ok.
Yeah Chart, why do I think it's my fault? I think it must be a habit, to have a sense of control. If it's my fault, somehow I could change it or control it, but I can't, my body's gonna do what it does. I did learn it's not unusual to have stitches push out. And yes it's easy to imagine insides unraveling! I have to reel myself in!
#82
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 08, 2026, 10:45:09 PMHello again my journal and friends. Today, I feel sad. I think its good to feel sad, because when I'm low, I know that I am reaching a breaking point and I suddenly know what to do next. Being sad seems to be the only feeling that guides me.
I talked to my Therapist on Monday. It was helpful to talk to another person about the occurance of last month. I am no longer bothered by that. I have shredded the letter and made peace with how things are.
But now, I feel other things. I am overwhelmed by not knowing who I am. I am lonely being too scared to interact with others. I am still too passive and shy at my fairly-new job, which I begin to accept as a mere stepping stone to the next opportunity and a way to save a lot of money by doing not-that-hard work. I don't really fit in here. It's not a job that fits me, although I do need it to learn some things.
I am so scared of the future, but it always seems to work out. I think my hypervigilance just manifests what I need. I needed a job to move away and be safer, and I got it easily. Well, I do know from my good, previous job that easy isn't always good. This place is run so much different than the last, and on top of being a PTSD-ridden sensitive young person, I am unable to fastily assimilate. Each time I am told I am doing good, I am hurt by the critisms, mostly because I'm just not feeling it.
I think back to my childhood. I hate how I was treated so randomly. I was an angel and I was the devil. I was perfect, but yet everything was wrong. I see how it affects me to my core now. I want to continue to sit in my discomfort to learn.
But, I also know that I have settled for something "beneath me". I am scared of striving for what I love because it is a hard career path that I'll likely have to carve myself. I like working with others, and part of the reason my current job is so draining is that I am alone and yet expected to be a leader, but I am so isolated and can only do so much. I want to be a Graphic Designer. I want to make beautiful things and help others make beautiful things. I want to be given tasks and creatively execute them and get feedback and learn.
I feel like, though, I should be happy. I have a good job that pays well and has benefits and time for me to strive for other things. Yet, somehow, I am greedy, and I want more. Maybe it's because I don't have a private office. Maybe I'm experiencing autistic (or PTSD) burnout. I don't know what I really want. I know that I am sad. I know that I feel strongly.
I really ought to do something I want to but am scared of that really doesn't mean anything at all. I want to join a forum for fun things and just talk to others. I want to play games with random strangers and see what happens. I want my brain to stop constantly being on.
I applied to a master's program recently. I think depending on if I get into that, it'll tell me what I do next. I'd love to help my partner find a new job too, since theirs super sucks and I'm essentially holding us together. I want to do good by the world. I want to follow my values.
I guess I really want to be free and work hard for my pay, now.
I talked to my Therapist on Monday. It was helpful to talk to another person about the occurance of last month. I am no longer bothered by that. I have shredded the letter and made peace with how things are.
But now, I feel other things. I am overwhelmed by not knowing who I am. I am lonely being too scared to interact with others. I am still too passive and shy at my fairly-new job, which I begin to accept as a mere stepping stone to the next opportunity and a way to save a lot of money by doing not-that-hard work. I don't really fit in here. It's not a job that fits me, although I do need it to learn some things.
I am so scared of the future, but it always seems to work out. I think my hypervigilance just manifests what I need. I needed a job to move away and be safer, and I got it easily. Well, I do know from my good, previous job that easy isn't always good. This place is run so much different than the last, and on top of being a PTSD-ridden sensitive young person, I am unable to fastily assimilate. Each time I am told I am doing good, I am hurt by the critisms, mostly because I'm just not feeling it.
I think back to my childhood. I hate how I was treated so randomly. I was an angel and I was the devil. I was perfect, but yet everything was wrong. I see how it affects me to my core now. I want to continue to sit in my discomfort to learn.
But, I also know that I have settled for something "beneath me". I am scared of striving for what I love because it is a hard career path that I'll likely have to carve myself. I like working with others, and part of the reason my current job is so draining is that I am alone and yet expected to be a leader, but I am so isolated and can only do so much. I want to be a Graphic Designer. I want to make beautiful things and help others make beautiful things. I want to be given tasks and creatively execute them and get feedback and learn.
I feel like, though, I should be happy. I have a good job that pays well and has benefits and time for me to strive for other things. Yet, somehow, I am greedy, and I want more. Maybe it's because I don't have a private office. Maybe I'm experiencing autistic (or PTSD) burnout. I don't know what I really want. I know that I am sad. I know that I feel strongly.
I really ought to do something I want to but am scared of that really doesn't mean anything at all. I want to join a forum for fun things and just talk to others. I want to play games with random strangers and see what happens. I want my brain to stop constantly being on.
I applied to a master's program recently. I think depending on if I get into that, it'll tell me what I do next. I'd love to help my partner find a new job too, since theirs super sucks and I'm essentially holding us together. I want to do good by the world. I want to follow my values.
I guess I really want to be free and work hard for my pay, now.
#83
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - January 08, 2026, 08:10:04 PMYes, SO.
———————-
Line drawn
Self-respect
Clarity and compassion
Courage
Allegiance to your self
Your true friends applaud!
———————-
Line drawn
Self-respect
Clarity and compassion
Courage
Allegiance to your self
Your true friends applaud!
#84
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 08, 2026, 07:33:05 PMAround Christmas, I got a WA message from a friend I haven't spoken to in a few years. One of those "stickers", I believe it's called. I never opened the message. A couple of things have happened over the years I really don't like. I was actually happy we lost touch. There was a hint of hesitation, out of decency, to respond. But nah, that doesn't align with how I feel.
I remember all the years of wrestling with mental health and not having the words to describe my experience to others. When I finally stumbled on the paradigm of CPTSD, it was a big relief. At some point I worked up the courage to tell my friend I have a complex form of PTSD. Not the best way to formulate it. But it didn't justify the contemptuous smile I got from her in response. I remained utterly friendly, and started to self gaslight.
A couple of years later, I was in a terrible space and we had a phone conversation. She referred to my recurring mental health issues as an addiction to drama. I told her I see that differently, but I never called her out on saying something so hurtful to somebody in such a terrible position. It's insensitive at best.
I've known her since I was a teen. Because I had very pour boundaries, it literally took me decades to see she likely has covert narc traits. She likes to provoke arguments, disguised as jokes. Than laughs about me getting triggered into dysregulation. She needs to be right at all time, and uses shame to manipulate me into fawning. She doesn't do equal. Or vulnerable. She's into power and superiority. Easily blames and contests, but responded as if deeply wronged when I once dared to make a mildly critical remark.
After I got heavily into healthy routines and had no problem sticking to them, she once referred to me as being a master at it. But with such intonation that it sounded like she blamed me for doing something bad. And plenty more of that kind of stuff. I think I became a mirror she didn't like to look into. Also by drinking aya and coming out a lot less vulnerable for undermining. I haven't heard much from her since. It all adds up.
It puzzles me I lasted so long with her, and that she was one of the first people I opened up to about my issues. All that time it never occurred to me that the tension I always felt when I visited her had little to do with me. She's twenty years my senior, but I can now see that she never was the adult in the room. The bottom line is, that I'm done with her.
I remember all the years of wrestling with mental health and not having the words to describe my experience to others. When I finally stumbled on the paradigm of CPTSD, it was a big relief. At some point I worked up the courage to tell my friend I have a complex form of PTSD. Not the best way to formulate it. But it didn't justify the contemptuous smile I got from her in response. I remained utterly friendly, and started to self gaslight.
A couple of years later, I was in a terrible space and we had a phone conversation. She referred to my recurring mental health issues as an addiction to drama. I told her I see that differently, but I never called her out on saying something so hurtful to somebody in such a terrible position. It's insensitive at best.
I've known her since I was a teen. Because I had very pour boundaries, it literally took me decades to see she likely has covert narc traits. She likes to provoke arguments, disguised as jokes. Than laughs about me getting triggered into dysregulation. She needs to be right at all time, and uses shame to manipulate me into fawning. She doesn't do equal. Or vulnerable. She's into power and superiority. Easily blames and contests, but responded as if deeply wronged when I once dared to make a mildly critical remark.
After I got heavily into healthy routines and had no problem sticking to them, she once referred to me as being a master at it. But with such intonation that it sounded like she blamed me for doing something bad. And plenty more of that kind of stuff. I think I became a mirror she didn't like to look into. Also by drinking aya and coming out a lot less vulnerable for undermining. I haven't heard much from her since. It all adds up.
It puzzles me I lasted so long with her, and that she was one of the first people I opened up to about my issues. All that time it never occurred to me that the tension I always felt when I visited her had little to do with me. She's twenty years my senior, but I can now see that she never was the adult in the room. The bottom line is, that I'm done with her.
#85
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 08, 2026, 05:31:42 PM
#86
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by HannahOne - January 08, 2026, 05:09:15 PMHooray for kicking your PMR and exercises where it needed to be kicked!
Your experience of making deals and getting yourself to do it makes sense to me. A mammal won's explore if it doesn't feel safe. It will run, or hunker down. As infants we can't run. So, we hunker. Hunkering can increase fear chemicals, as those keep us still and safe... so it can be a relief to stand up. And, we need to get ourselves to the point where we CAN stand up. Motivation, making deals, time for our system to shift, and our brains to process.
Part of CPTSD is difficulty in relationships because they do wake up our wounds. The sense of what was lost or never there is profound. The wounds are in the nervous system of which the brain is just one part. I'm sorry you are going through this and also admire your courage to face it and make sense of your experience. May you recognize that gold soon.
Your experience of making deals and getting yourself to do it makes sense to me. A mammal won's explore if it doesn't feel safe. It will run, or hunker down. As infants we can't run. So, we hunker. Hunkering can increase fear chemicals, as those keep us still and safe... so it can be a relief to stand up. And, we need to get ourselves to the point where we CAN stand up. Motivation, making deals, time for our system to shift, and our brains to process.
Part of CPTSD is difficulty in relationships because they do wake up our wounds. The sense of what was lost or never there is profound. The wounds are in the nervous system of which the brain is just one part. I'm sorry you are going through this and also admire your courage to face it and make sense of your experience. May you recognize that gold soon.
#87
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 08, 2026, 03:49:26 PMWhy do we think it is all our fault? I don't think your activities popped the stitch, and even if they did it's probably because it was already part dissolved. The body doesn't always fully dissolve stitches - sometimes it treats them as a foreign body and shoves them out. For sure it would probably have been wiser not to pull on it, especially now it has ended up hurting, but to my mind that is as far as your liability goes. And I don't think it is unreasonable for you to have wanted it out if your body was already actively trying to push it out. If it were me, I would be concentrating on thinking about any reluctance to contact the medics for advice before pulling on the stitch. (FYI I would likely not have contacted them for advice either. I'd probably have been too chicken to pull the stitch and would have wandered around with it snagging on my clothing while stressing massively and imagining that my whole insides were now unravelling!)
I'm sorry you can't plan. That totally sucks. I'd rather be given bad news fast than hang around waiting for good news.
I hope the meeting goes better than you fear. I hope you can channel your inner Frank.
I'm sorry you can't plan. That totally sucks. I'd rather be given bad news fast than hang around waiting for good news.
I hope the meeting goes better than you fear. I hope you can channel your inner Frank.
#88
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Armee - January 08, 2026, 03:47:42 PMGood luck with the IEP meeting. I hope it goes/went OK. Those used to really really stress me out with my daughter's team. I'd get a major shame attack like they know it's me and I'm messed up and it's my fault. Then I'd think about my husband all handsome and in a suit and perfect looking and acting and it would feel even worse. I seem to get less triggered now during them after a few years. Next one is in a week. We'll see how it goes 
It sounds like your concerns are less shame based and more about services and keeping a poker face but I shared that just on the off chance that this is also something you are experiencing with the IEP meeting.
I hope the pain of the errant stitch lessens and you get some certainty ASAP.
You are an amazing writer. I hope you are able to go more public with that talent sometime.
It sounds like your concerns are less shame based and more about services and keeping a poker face but I shared that just on the off chance that this is also something you are experiencing with the IEP meeting.
I hope the pain of the errant stitch lessens and you get some certainty ASAP.
You are an amazing writer. I hope you are able to go more public with that talent sometime.
#89
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 08, 2026, 02:07:58 PMI've been very easily triggered lately. SenseOrgan used the term "Trauma hijack" and that's such a good way he described it. I keep getting hijacked and that itself is scary. I feel I need to be monitoring myself a little better. That's part of the function of this journal. Self-awareness. TW for medical stuff and abuse.
I've bene healing well and wanted to "move on" with life, so I started moving more, moving stuff. The outside incision seemed all healed up. But I forgot the inner layers aren't yet healed. Is that a metaphor for CPTSD or what?
So I started moving stuff around. groceries. Laundry. Trash. And popped a stitch. When I saw the thread sticking out I thought it was one maybe the surgeon didn't remove. I don't know quite what I was thinking but I got a bit hijacked. I think part of me wants to be done with this and "back to normal" erase the evidence of any problem. But as we know there is no "back" to go to, we can only go forward.
So I got hijacked or triggered by seeing the stitch and pulled on the stitch and even though it hurt I kept pulling. I wanted it out. Hashtag regrets. It was apparently an internal stitch meant to stay in and absorb. It will be fine and there's nothing to be done about it now, it will heal how it heals, but now I have pain again. And I'm upset with myself. I feel like I messed up, again.
And it's scary to get a little hijacked like that. I have to be more mindful, more demure. I have to pay more attention and be aware of my inner children's concerns about being less able temporarily, about scars, about the idea that this is a punishment that I want to be over. About their need to erase and undo what happened and go on "as normal."
I know there's part of me that "moves on" and "gets back to work" and "undoes things." It's an old habit. It was very helpful in the past. After being beaten you have to get up and put your pants on and go to school as normal. After abuse you have to undo it mentally in order to go on. Very helpful in the past. Not so much now.
I am a little worried because it doesn't feel good to not feel in control of myself or to briefly lose awareness, to do something stupid without thinking. But I know it's common to be preoccupied when in a situation like I am, and to do something impulsive when you're stressed. So I'm going to try to give myself more support. I am going to meet with my therapist more often for a bit while I'm getting through this. I'm going to do lovingkindness meditation in the mornings with Frank, the miracle bunny. I'm going to work through Janina Fisher's workbook just for some structure, a structured way to interact with the CPTSD. That will also keep it more in my awareness, how I might get hijacked, so maybe I can prevent it. The workbook can be like the air marshall on the plane. Just the presence of the workbook can be a deterrent to hijacking. I'm calling my own bluff. And I'm going to keep eating three Mediterranean meals a day and going for short walks. I am going to create my own little IOP program at home. I've done it before.
I think the other trigger is just uncertainty. I know that I will be ok, and may not even need more treatment. But I also know waiting to actually meet with the oncologist is starting to wear on me. No human likes uncertainty, we evolved the prefrontal cortex to make up for our lack of claws and fangs. If we can't plan, we're in trouble, a helpless hairless primate on the savanna. And right now I can't plan.
I look at Frank. "Frank, I can't plan!" He blinks, unconcerned. He doesn't know the word "plan." Or "waiting." Or "tomorrow." He doesn't have that part of the brain that conceptualizes "future." He picks up on my fear and sits up, perks an ear, and gets still. Is there a wolf? No? Then why are you so tense? He sniffs again. No wolf, just the domesticated canine in a puffer coat. He shakes it off and grooms his back foot. A wolf might come, but there's no point in wasting energy worrying about it, we'll need all our energy to run if a wolf does come. So groom yourself so you don't smell like a prey animal, and chill. He flops onto his belly, hind legs sprawled out behind, a little furry superman gliding across the hardwood. Much better than his plywood hutch at the farm. Sometimes, things turn out ok.
Frank is right, grooming is important. I will go get in the shower. I have an IEP meeting in an hour. It makes my stomach hurt and I'd rather have surgery again than do this meeting. My lawyer is coming with me so all I really have to do is sit there and try to keep a poker face. I am not good at poker face. The lawyer will be texting me "Your emotions are showing on your face, take a deep breath." LOL. I know they're going to deny our request for them to follow the rules and do what they're supposed to do, they're going to delay until it's too late to do it, and try to distract me by making me upset, blaming me for my kid's problems so I stop asking and sharing data to back up the request. I won't be able to think. I'll probably struggle to form sentences. I might end up spaced out. It's fine, that's what the lawyer is for. And it's fine, my kid has what they need, we don't really need them to do anything. If they refuse evaluations, I'll pay privately later. It is what it is, we got everything we could get for my kid, they're alive, they're well, they're going to graduate, and they're on grade level. It's just so hard to tolerate the power dynamics when it feels like my kid's future is at stake, when I feel like I am somehow not up to the task. When I feel like I will lose or be overpowered. No one likes to be overpowered. And, some fights aren't worth having. this one really isn't. I just have to sit there and blink and then the meeting will be over.
There it is again, the future, that somehow I have to control. In years past yes, it was an emergency. But it's not anymore. Right now my kid is fine, and they'll navigate their future as best they can, with my help. The situation is triggering and I might get hijacked. After the meeting I'll go for a walk with the domesticated canine in the puffer coat. Then... I'll eat something. And then time will start moving again. Frank will sit blinking. Onward into the future.
I've bene healing well and wanted to "move on" with life, so I started moving more, moving stuff. The outside incision seemed all healed up. But I forgot the inner layers aren't yet healed. Is that a metaphor for CPTSD or what?
So I started moving stuff around. groceries. Laundry. Trash. And popped a stitch. When I saw the thread sticking out I thought it was one maybe the surgeon didn't remove. I don't know quite what I was thinking but I got a bit hijacked. I think part of me wants to be done with this and "back to normal" erase the evidence of any problem. But as we know there is no "back" to go to, we can only go forward.
So I got hijacked or triggered by seeing the stitch and pulled on the stitch and even though it hurt I kept pulling. I wanted it out. Hashtag regrets. It was apparently an internal stitch meant to stay in and absorb. It will be fine and there's nothing to be done about it now, it will heal how it heals, but now I have pain again. And I'm upset with myself. I feel like I messed up, again.
And it's scary to get a little hijacked like that. I have to be more mindful, more demure. I have to pay more attention and be aware of my inner children's concerns about being less able temporarily, about scars, about the idea that this is a punishment that I want to be over. About their need to erase and undo what happened and go on "as normal."
I know there's part of me that "moves on" and "gets back to work" and "undoes things." It's an old habit. It was very helpful in the past. After being beaten you have to get up and put your pants on and go to school as normal. After abuse you have to undo it mentally in order to go on. Very helpful in the past. Not so much now.
I am a little worried because it doesn't feel good to not feel in control of myself or to briefly lose awareness, to do something stupid without thinking. But I know it's common to be preoccupied when in a situation like I am, and to do something impulsive when you're stressed. So I'm going to try to give myself more support. I am going to meet with my therapist more often for a bit while I'm getting through this. I'm going to do lovingkindness meditation in the mornings with Frank, the miracle bunny. I'm going to work through Janina Fisher's workbook just for some structure, a structured way to interact with the CPTSD. That will also keep it more in my awareness, how I might get hijacked, so maybe I can prevent it. The workbook can be like the air marshall on the plane. Just the presence of the workbook can be a deterrent to hijacking. I'm calling my own bluff. And I'm going to keep eating three Mediterranean meals a day and going for short walks. I am going to create my own little IOP program at home. I've done it before.
I think the other trigger is just uncertainty. I know that I will be ok, and may not even need more treatment. But I also know waiting to actually meet with the oncologist is starting to wear on me. No human likes uncertainty, we evolved the prefrontal cortex to make up for our lack of claws and fangs. If we can't plan, we're in trouble, a helpless hairless primate on the savanna. And right now I can't plan.
I look at Frank. "Frank, I can't plan!" He blinks, unconcerned. He doesn't know the word "plan." Or "waiting." Or "tomorrow." He doesn't have that part of the brain that conceptualizes "future." He picks up on my fear and sits up, perks an ear, and gets still. Is there a wolf? No? Then why are you so tense? He sniffs again. No wolf, just the domesticated canine in a puffer coat. He shakes it off and grooms his back foot. A wolf might come, but there's no point in wasting energy worrying about it, we'll need all our energy to run if a wolf does come. So groom yourself so you don't smell like a prey animal, and chill. He flops onto his belly, hind legs sprawled out behind, a little furry superman gliding across the hardwood. Much better than his plywood hutch at the farm. Sometimes, things turn out ok.
Frank is right, grooming is important. I will go get in the shower. I have an IEP meeting in an hour. It makes my stomach hurt and I'd rather have surgery again than do this meeting. My lawyer is coming with me so all I really have to do is sit there and try to keep a poker face. I am not good at poker face. The lawyer will be texting me "Your emotions are showing on your face, take a deep breath." LOL. I know they're going to deny our request for them to follow the rules and do what they're supposed to do, they're going to delay until it's too late to do it, and try to distract me by making me upset, blaming me for my kid's problems so I stop asking and sharing data to back up the request. I won't be able to think. I'll probably struggle to form sentences. I might end up spaced out. It's fine, that's what the lawyer is for. And it's fine, my kid has what they need, we don't really need them to do anything. If they refuse evaluations, I'll pay privately later. It is what it is, we got everything we could get for my kid, they're alive, they're well, they're going to graduate, and they're on grade level. It's just so hard to tolerate the power dynamics when it feels like my kid's future is at stake, when I feel like I am somehow not up to the task. When I feel like I will lose or be overpowered. No one likes to be overpowered. And, some fights aren't worth having. this one really isn't. I just have to sit there and blink and then the meeting will be over.
There it is again, the future, that somehow I have to control. In years past yes, it was an emergency. But it's not anymore. Right now my kid is fine, and they'll navigate their future as best they can, with my help. The situation is triggering and I might get hijacked. After the meeting I'll go for a walk with the domesticated canine in the puffer coat. Then... I'll eat something. And then time will start moving again. Frank will sit blinking. Onward into the future.
#90
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 08, 2026, 01:39:18 PMSenseOrgan, yes, it was a trauma hijack. Thank you for that phrase. That's been happening a lot lately, I think I'm more triggered overall because of the medical stuff going on.
I like how you describe your perspective on how I navigated. It's a dance, how to be present with someone who is narrow, how much to be present, how to allow what parts of myself I can to interact while managing the other person's reactions or my worries about their reactions. You're right, part of my goal was to show up and see what happened. I didn't like what happened when I have so little space. So, I have outgrown it and will have to let go. I got too big for the box I put myself into and that's not bad news and not a failure.
I really appreciate your perception, your username fits You're able to discriminate nuance and express it and that's such a powerful skill in navigating CPTSD.
I like how you describe your perspective on how I navigated. It's a dance, how to be present with someone who is narrow, how much to be present, how to allow what parts of myself I can to interact while managing the other person's reactions or my worries about their reactions. You're right, part of my goal was to show up and see what happened. I didn't like what happened when I have so little space. So, I have outgrown it and will have to let go. I got too big for the box I put myself into and that's not bad news and not a failure.
I really appreciate your perception, your username fits
You're able to discriminate nuance and express it and that's such a powerful skill in navigating CPTSD.