Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 05:22:53 AMFeeling triggered and thought writing might help.
I had a wonderful day today connecting with a special group of people. Afterward I felt so centered and calm, so present. I think this has been a huge missing piece for me in my life, being with people who understand what it's like to have CPTSD, being able to be "out" about it. No one in my life knows my diagnosis. I don't share my past beyond that I was "raised by wolves." My partner knows because he lives with me, not because I've told him. My sibling knows because they lived it with me. I've lived as someone to whom it didn't happen.
To be able to take for granted that it happened, to be with people who lived it too, to even laugh about the predicament with others..... I wish I could better describe the feeling, all I can say is "solid." and "clear." "Quiet inside." "Arrived." "All of me." "What I've been searching for." This feeling lasted for hours and hours and I just reveled in it. It's like all the me's of the past were taking it in, and it was changing their lives, too, rewriting the past. Not alone---never alone. While I was suffering in the Midwest of America, these beloveds were also going through their own samsaras, AND COMING OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE, all these years ALSO fighting, climbing, searching, learning, persevering, believing. It's a shared experience. It's an experience of human beings. I am a human being. I belong to the tribe of humans. If they can live and thrive, I too can live and thrive. I can be someone to whom it all happened---I CAN BE ME.
As the day wore on I started to feel unwell and now it's clear I'm getting a cold. NBD. A little cold. Tested negative for flu an dCOVID. Fine.
Yet I'm spiraling. I HATE the feeling of "going down."
I get so scared when I feel sick. I get so triggered. I get so scared.
I hate being unable to do things. Feeling helpless is the worst feeling for me.
I had cleaned the whole house Friday, yet today it's messed up again, and I can't clean it, I can't do the dishes this evening, I can't clean the rat cage, I can't put away the laundry. I hate disorder, it's very triggering as my house growing up could be hoarded or disordered. I am not a neat freak and do regularly have creative mess, it's just that when I feel triggered I need to be able to order it. And right now I can't. Frank's lettuce sits on the counter, the dishes sit in the sink, there's a box that needs to go to recycling. A feeling of chaos and neglect overwhelms me.
It's scary to feel I must keep going, when my body says I can't. I'll still have to take care of everyone, meals, dishes, laundry, pets, a cycle of every 2 hours another production. Recently with my surgery I got one kid and the partner to step up and the other kid who just can't cope went to a friend's for the week. How will I produce meals tomorrow. I can't even think.
Being sick was rough as a kid. When I had flu they made me bathe in cold water, scrub my head (wouldn't pay to heat the water), and put on my tights and patent leather shoes and frilly dress to go to Christmas dinner. I passed out in the hallway with wet hair dripping on my dress. They bundled me up and put me in the car, hair still dripping in 20 degree winter, off to grandma's house. I laid on her carpet and the room spun. I don't remember getting home. One of the worst moments of my life was having chicken pox. Sounds wild, right? So much abuse, and yet it was CHICKEN POX that got me? I was about 9 years old and awake in the middle of the night, so itchy, and alone. Feverish. It's the only time I ever wished to die as a child. I just felt so alone in my suffering, lying on the green carpet in the living room so my crying wouldn't wake my parents, scratching nd scratching and asking God to take me. It was my dark night of the soul. Probably because of high fever.
I also don't like my plans being messed up. I don't have much of a life, and now I won't be able to do a few things that were important to me. I had plans for tomorrow, for once in years my partner and I were going to go out to breakfast. I was to return a pair of shoes. And I want to go to therapy in person on Monday. And my older kid has several doctors appointments. And I'm supposed to see the oncologist. And I need to respond to the district about IEP. And I already can't think clearly.
If I could just lay in bed and be sick I think it could be a cozy feeling. It's the feeling of having to keep going that is getting me.
I'm not sure how to get through a night that now feels scary, isolated, nightmarish. I want to go back to the feeling I had earlier today of being fully present, clear, and inner quiet. That inner quiet was just delicious. That sense of presence was so yummy. That feeling of clarity was cravable. How can I get back to that and unblend from this?
There's a loud thumping from down the hall. Frank always interrupts my rumination, it's like he can sense overthinking and it annoys him, he doesn't like the vibe. THUMP THUMP STOP THINKING, THINKING TOO LOUD. This is Frank's happy hour, he's crepuscular so 8pm-midnight is his high time. Thump thump thump. And I'm not alone, Mia the dog is in her purple puffer coat and under my wool blanket for good measure, little thin-skinned Puerto Rican greyhound was not meant for snow. You can feel Frank's spirit loud tonight. Lately Frank is a destructo-bun. Lately he seems more frustrated. The more he heals, the more energy he has. It's his second year with us? or third? And month by month he has more energy, more self-expression. From totally shut down, to hopeful but in pain, to pain-free and curious, to connected and joyful, content and liberated, and now... destructo-bun. chewing a wire here, flinging his metal bowl there, thumping, tearing down the hall and back and tiptoeing onto the hard floor, digging the carpet into a frayed mess. He's a wild man these days. I love to see the spunky spirit but sir! You are a domesticated rabbit, please mind the wires! I think his intensity is just a sign of more healing, he feels safe enough to let his instincts out, Frank flag fly. And, clearly I am not alone. Thump thump thump, crash! I'm going to take away his bowl tomorrow.
I think one of the worst things about my trauma wasn't the fists or body part A and body part B, wasn't the emotional abuse, it was this sense of isolation. Neglect. That I'm alone, as if I'm the only one who ever suffered. Which is of course complete rabbit poop. Everyone suffers. Right now millions are suffering much more than a minor cold in a posh American suburb. It's not to gaslight myself with "people are starving in China," It's that I am not, actually, alone. This sense of profound isolation, alienation, depersonalization and derealization is an emotional flashback. It's not reality. Today I experienced not being alone. It was life-giving, absolutely life-giving.
Now, I have a cold. this too shall pass. I have taken zinc, vitamin C, vitamin D, peppermint oil, saline nasal spray and whatever other neurotic witch magic I can think of. I am safe under 100% wool covers to deal with night sweats. I have Netflix. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. I'm sorry I was not cared for when I had chicken pox. Which reminds me ,I need to get my shingles shot! Frank, have mercy. Frank be with me. Frank hear me, and make haste to help. Thump if you must. Be near me, and do not leave.
I had a wonderful day today connecting with a special group of people. Afterward I felt so centered and calm, so present. I think this has been a huge missing piece for me in my life, being with people who understand what it's like to have CPTSD, being able to be "out" about it. No one in my life knows my diagnosis. I don't share my past beyond that I was "raised by wolves." My partner knows because he lives with me, not because I've told him. My sibling knows because they lived it with me. I've lived as someone to whom it didn't happen.
To be able to take for granted that it happened, to be with people who lived it too, to even laugh about the predicament with others..... I wish I could better describe the feeling, all I can say is "solid." and "clear." "Quiet inside." "Arrived." "All of me." "What I've been searching for." This feeling lasted for hours and hours and I just reveled in it. It's like all the me's of the past were taking it in, and it was changing their lives, too, rewriting the past. Not alone---never alone. While I was suffering in the Midwest of America, these beloveds were also going through their own samsaras, AND COMING OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE, all these years ALSO fighting, climbing, searching, learning, persevering, believing. It's a shared experience. It's an experience of human beings. I am a human being. I belong to the tribe of humans. If they can live and thrive, I too can live and thrive. I can be someone to whom it all happened---I CAN BE ME.
As the day wore on I started to feel unwell and now it's clear I'm getting a cold. NBD. A little cold. Tested negative for flu an dCOVID. Fine.
Yet I'm spiraling. I HATE the feeling of "going down."
I get so scared when I feel sick. I get so triggered. I get so scared.
I hate being unable to do things. Feeling helpless is the worst feeling for me.
I had cleaned the whole house Friday, yet today it's messed up again, and I can't clean it, I can't do the dishes this evening, I can't clean the rat cage, I can't put away the laundry. I hate disorder, it's very triggering as my house growing up could be hoarded or disordered. I am not a neat freak and do regularly have creative mess, it's just that when I feel triggered I need to be able to order it. And right now I can't. Frank's lettuce sits on the counter, the dishes sit in the sink, there's a box that needs to go to recycling. A feeling of chaos and neglect overwhelms me.
It's scary to feel I must keep going, when my body says I can't. I'll still have to take care of everyone, meals, dishes, laundry, pets, a cycle of every 2 hours another production. Recently with my surgery I got one kid and the partner to step up and the other kid who just can't cope went to a friend's for the week. How will I produce meals tomorrow. I can't even think.
Being sick was rough as a kid. When I had flu they made me bathe in cold water, scrub my head (wouldn't pay to heat the water), and put on my tights and patent leather shoes and frilly dress to go to Christmas dinner. I passed out in the hallway with wet hair dripping on my dress. They bundled me up and put me in the car, hair still dripping in 20 degree winter, off to grandma's house. I laid on her carpet and the room spun. I don't remember getting home. One of the worst moments of my life was having chicken pox. Sounds wild, right? So much abuse, and yet it was CHICKEN POX that got me? I was about 9 years old and awake in the middle of the night, so itchy, and alone. Feverish. It's the only time I ever wished to die as a child. I just felt so alone in my suffering, lying on the green carpet in the living room so my crying wouldn't wake my parents, scratching nd scratching and asking God to take me. It was my dark night of the soul. Probably because of high fever.
I also don't like my plans being messed up. I don't have much of a life, and now I won't be able to do a few things that were important to me. I had plans for tomorrow, for once in years my partner and I were going to go out to breakfast. I was to return a pair of shoes. And I want to go to therapy in person on Monday. And my older kid has several doctors appointments. And I'm supposed to see the oncologist. And I need to respond to the district about IEP. And I already can't think clearly.
If I could just lay in bed and be sick I think it could be a cozy feeling. It's the feeling of having to keep going that is getting me.
I'm not sure how to get through a night that now feels scary, isolated, nightmarish. I want to go back to the feeling I had earlier today of being fully present, clear, and inner quiet. That inner quiet was just delicious. That sense of presence was so yummy. That feeling of clarity was cravable. How can I get back to that and unblend from this?
There's a loud thumping from down the hall. Frank always interrupts my rumination, it's like he can sense overthinking and it annoys him, he doesn't like the vibe. THUMP THUMP STOP THINKING, THINKING TOO LOUD. This is Frank's happy hour, he's crepuscular so 8pm-midnight is his high time. Thump thump thump. And I'm not alone, Mia the dog is in her purple puffer coat and under my wool blanket for good measure, little thin-skinned Puerto Rican greyhound was not meant for snow. You can feel Frank's spirit loud tonight. Lately Frank is a destructo-bun. Lately he seems more frustrated. The more he heals, the more energy he has. It's his second year with us? or third? And month by month he has more energy, more self-expression. From totally shut down, to hopeful but in pain, to pain-free and curious, to connected and joyful, content and liberated, and now... destructo-bun. chewing a wire here, flinging his metal bowl there, thumping, tearing down the hall and back and tiptoeing onto the hard floor, digging the carpet into a frayed mess. He's a wild man these days. I love to see the spunky spirit but sir! You are a domesticated rabbit, please mind the wires! I think his intensity is just a sign of more healing, he feels safe enough to let his instincts out, Frank flag fly. And, clearly I am not alone. Thump thump thump, crash! I'm going to take away his bowl tomorrow.
I think one of the worst things about my trauma wasn't the fists or body part A and body part B, wasn't the emotional abuse, it was this sense of isolation. Neglect. That I'm alone, as if I'm the only one who ever suffered. Which is of course complete rabbit poop. Everyone suffers. Right now millions are suffering much more than a minor cold in a posh American suburb. It's not to gaslight myself with "people are starving in China," It's that I am not, actually, alone. This sense of profound isolation, alienation, depersonalization and derealization is an emotional flashback. It's not reality. Today I experienced not being alone. It was life-giving, absolutely life-giving.
Now, I have a cold. this too shall pass. I have taken zinc, vitamin C, vitamin D, peppermint oil, saline nasal spray and whatever other neurotic witch magic I can think of. I am safe under 100% wool covers to deal with night sweats. I have Netflix. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. I'm sorry I was not cared for when I had chicken pox. Which reminds me ,I need to get my shingles shot! Frank, have mercy. Frank be with me. Frank hear me, and make haste to help. Thump if you must. Be near me, and do not leave.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 04:43:07 AMThank you, SanMagic7! I am feeling a new sense of empowerment at being able to make decisions about what to wear based on how I FEEL in my clothes, and express what I want to say. Hoping this will help me move more forward and out into the world and connect to other people.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 31, 2026, 11:19:18 PMthank you so much for your solidarity w/ me, TBB. i do appreciate it. all this stuff has been distressing to me, the more i've learned, the more distressing it becomes. and i really haven't recognized much pain before, so feeling it now is new, and extremely distressing. part of the process of moving forward, i guess. good to have you on my side. 
i can feel if something is physically painful, but i've learned over the years that i can also endure a lot of pain in that realm. this emotional pain, while i've spoken about it - such as, it's painful to have an estranged D1 - i don't really feel it. my outburst the other week i'm only beginning to understand the pain in it, how those were not tears of joy, but distressing tears.
i just read a 10-yr. old post of mine where i spoke of being in church and not being able to sing hymns that spoke of being loved by god/jesus because i'd start crying. am i crying for not having the feelings of being loved, cared for/about? am i crying for a lack of something? am i just sad or am i feeling the pain of that lack? i still am not sure.
i can feel if something is physically painful, but i've learned over the years that i can also endure a lot of pain in that realm. this emotional pain, while i've spoken about it - such as, it's painful to have an estranged D1 - i don't really feel it. my outburst the other week i'm only beginning to understand the pain in it, how those were not tears of joy, but distressing tears.
i just read a 10-yr. old post of mine where i spoke of being in church and not being able to sing hymns that spoke of being loved by god/jesus because i'd start crying. am i crying for not having the feelings of being loved, cared for/about? am i crying for a lack of something? am i just sad or am i feeling the pain of that lack? i still am not sure.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 31, 2026, 11:09:50 PMenjoy! love and hugs
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 31, 2026, 11:06:57 PMhannah1, i'm so glad you decided to play w/ clothes - i found a lot of enjoyment in it! and gray is one of my very favorite colors, so i get it. beautiful. sounds like you hit the right nail on the head, here. well done! love and hugs
#6
Employment / Re: "Picking" a career
Last post by Teddy bear - January 31, 2026, 06:36:00 PMHi LadybugBee,
Just found this thread, and it feels like the main dilemma I've had for the last few years.
My situation is different, but I also used to work in a tech company (not in Silicon Valley, though). I had other aspirations before finishing school and in other later periods of my life.
Travelling was a good time to reassess everything — plenty of quiet time for myself. I had thoughts of returning to passions I'd had previously, and even made some attempts.
Your background and talent in dancing sound impressive. I don't like to give advice, so I won't. Just following a passion seems not only fulfilling and interesting to me but also probably the most fruitful and 'possible-to-make-happen' path.
Meanwhile, I've come across different career advice before — I mean, I've read some articles, and some are very hesitant about this approach. But I think it's solely up to you!
It would be nice to chat if you're still on this forum 🤗🤝. Your situation has probably changed a lot since then.
Anyway, best of luck 🍀
Just found this thread, and it feels like the main dilemma I've had for the last few years.
My situation is different, but I also used to work in a tech company (not in Silicon Valley, though). I had other aspirations before finishing school and in other later periods of my life.
Travelling was a good time to reassess everything — plenty of quiet time for myself. I had thoughts of returning to passions I'd had previously, and even made some attempts.
Your background and talent in dancing sound impressive. I don't like to give advice, so I won't. Just following a passion seems not only fulfilling and interesting to me but also probably the most fruitful and 'possible-to-make-happen' path.
Meanwhile, I've come across different career advice before — I mean, I've read some articles, and some are very hesitant about this approach. But I think it's solely up to you!
It would be nice to chat if you're still on this forum 🤗🤝. Your situation has probably changed a lot since then.
Anyway, best of luck 🍀
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 31, 2026, 04:48:41 PMSan, I'm really glad you wrote this. A few weeks ago, when I was in a very similar place - grieving the loss of external safety after realizing hard truths about my childhood - Kizzie responded with something that helped more than I can put into words.
1) she normalized it: yes, this hurts really badly. There's nothing wrong with you for how intense this feels.
2) she said something that mattered deeply in the moment: when you're inside this pain, it truly feels like falling into a bottomless pit - but it isn't. It's more like a tunnel. You don't see the end while you're in it, but you are moving through it, and something does shift over time in the nervous system.
Hearing that didn't take the pain away, but it helped me feel less terrified of it, less afraid that I was breaking forever.
And for me, she was right. It's been wavy, not linear, but gradually there are fewer days completely swallowed by sadness. Things do change, even when it's impossible to feel that in the moment.
I'm really glad you'll see your T on Monday. One thing I've been learning is that healing relational trauma happens relationally - you telling us here, us staying with you; your T listening, reflecting, attuning. That is how the nervous system learns something new. It's subtle and slow, and it rarely feels good while it's happening - but with repetition, it matters.
We are here with you. Truly. You don't have to figure this out all at once. And you don't have to go through it alone. 💛
Quote from: Kizzie on January 03, 2026, 04:56:41 PMI'm so sorry to hear this. Just my thoughts here but the fact that you [..] know what is the problem and by facing it and the pain and fear you are on the road out the other side.It did help me - and I think it did because:
I say from experience that some of my most painful moments came from seeing clearly what I had lost in my life, what I could not depend upon, and what I had to do to carry on. Looking at that led to looking at myself clearly, with compassion and shushing the negative voices. Slowly I came to realize I could depend on myself. Fear and pain became a feeling of freedom and trust in myself, however wobbly at first.
I hope this is helpful
1) she normalized it: yes, this hurts really badly. There's nothing wrong with you for how intense this feels.
2) she said something that mattered deeply in the moment: when you're inside this pain, it truly feels like falling into a bottomless pit - but it isn't. It's more like a tunnel. You don't see the end while you're in it, but you are moving through it, and something does shift over time in the nervous system.
Hearing that didn't take the pain away, but it helped me feel less terrified of it, less afraid that I was breaking forever.
And for me, she was right. It's been wavy, not linear, but gradually there are fewer days completely swallowed by sadness. Things do change, even when it's impossible to feel that in the moment.
I'm really glad you'll see your T on Monday. One thing I've been learning is that healing relational trauma happens relationally - you telling us here, us staying with you; your T listening, reflecting, attuning. That is how the nervous system learns something new. It's subtle and slow, and it rarely feels good while it's happening - but with repetition, it matters.
We are here with you. Truly. You don't have to figure this out all at once. And you don't have to go through it alone. 💛
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - January 31, 2026, 03:22:44 PMSanMagic7, it makes sense that you wouldn't want to take good things in, it feels like it punctures something. It does, it punctures our defenses. So it can be hard to let the good things in if we are still needing those defenses against feeling too much too quickly. You're feeling a lot, and you have every right to be exhausted! This is hard work.
#9
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...
Last post by Teddy bear - January 31, 2026, 01:31:08 PMThank you, I'll think about it
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - January 31, 2026, 01:25:22 PMHi SanMagic, Thank you so much
Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the Mother Hunger book and your experiences of reading it a couple of times. It does sound like a very interesting and helpful book. I'll definitely consider it, when my pile of books to read is smaller! I think I'll sample a few audiobook clips to see what it's like to hear them - good idea! Like you say, it wouldn't be good to get a voice that was in anyway triggering. Hugs to you
********
31st January 2026
So I am going to have a 'digital break' for the whole month of February, which means I won't be here till March! I feel positive about this break, I think it will be good for me. I'll look forward to re-connecting with everyone here when I'm back in March.
Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the Mother Hunger book and your experiences of reading it a couple of times. It does sound like a very interesting and helpful book. I'll definitely consider it, when my pile of books to read is smaller! I think I'll sample a few audiobook clips to see what it's like to hear them - good idea! Like you say, it wouldn't be good to get a voice that was in anyway triggering. Hugs to you
********
31st January 2026
So I am going to have a 'digital break' for the whole month of February, which means I won't be here till March! I feel positive about this break, I think it will be good for me. I'll look forward to re-connecting with everyone here when I'm back in March.