Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - July 05, 2025, 06:06:56 PMThank you for these insightful and compassionate replies, friends. I appreciate your perspectives, and have been doing my best to work with them. It's really hard. Everything is really hard. I get so discouraged sometimes, feeling that nothing I can do is enough. NK, I really like your idea about engaging with those bad feelings, standing up to them, but it's difficult to challenge those underlying negative narratives. I think one of my inner children is actually my mother, always lurking, ready to attack and undermine me. My own worst bully seems to be built into me.
The other day, I realised that I have actually been fairly successful in life relative to the things my mother implicitly (and in some ways, even explicitly) taught me were important when I was a child. These things are, finding someone to take care of me financially, being sexually adventurous, and not being fat. Thinking about that really messes with my mind. I know I'm a "better person" (more compassionate, more self-aware, less narcissistic) than my mother, but that doesn't really seem like enough measured against the thought of all the things I could potentially have succeeded at if I'd had better examples to follow.
The other day, I realised that I have actually been fairly successful in life relative to the things my mother implicitly (and in some ways, even explicitly) taught me were important when I was a child. These things are, finding someone to take care of me financially, being sexually adventurous, and not being fat. Thinking about that really messes with my mind. I know I'm a "better person" (more compassionate, more self-aware, less narcissistic) than my mother, but that doesn't really seem like enough measured against the thought of all the things I could potentially have succeeded at if I'd had better examples to follow.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by sanmagic7 - July 04, 2025, 02:23:31 PMglad you're feeling better, hope. i understand how emotional peoples' stories can be for us, books/movies, cuz i've shed my share of tears throughout my life becuz of them. i also understand the feeling of not wanting to continue reading/watching something cuz it cuts too close to the bone. there have been several books i've had to stop reading, several movies i've had to stop watching for the same reason. too emotional in the wrong way.
once again, your progress with everything you're tackling is amazing. keep up the good work! love and hugs
once again, your progress with everything you're tackling is amazing. keep up the good work! love and hugs
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by Hope67 - July 04, 2025, 12:16:13 PMThanks NarcKiddo, I am feeling a lot better today. 
#4
The Cafe / Re: The Potting Shed - Part 2
Last post by Blueberry - July 03, 2025, 08:37:34 PMI had some help finishing making a herb bed on Monday. It's quite shallow so not ideal but that's where LL said I could put my herbs. He plainly doesn't want me digging up lawn to make myself a proper new deeper bed. While my help was there, we went to the local DIY/garden centre and got a bunch of bags of soil, more than I could ever carry on the cargo bike in one go, plus 2 fairly small plastic raised beds. I know people make their own out of wood, but forget that, it would probably take me about 2-3 years to get round to that, or quite likely never get round to it. My help also removed my flowering plants from part of a bed that's in part of the garden that's in the process of being sold and will be a building site at the latest next spring, but maybe even this fall. I really needed help with that because I can't yet dig on account of my ankle which is still healing. Most of those flowers are now in my herb bed or in a mini-bed just beside it.
It's now Thursday and I've been doing more gardening on my own both today and yesterday. Actually apart from the necessary watering of newly planted or re-planted herbs and flowers, housework would have been much more important, but I prefer gardening. Must have been last week or so, I discovered a mini-plantation of wild strawberries on the property of the empty building next door and I've been picking and eating them, as well as the wild strawberries on this property. Nobody else uses them. Today I also picked some raspberries, since they're beginning to ripen. They're basically wild as well. They're mostly in the part of the property that is in the process of being sold and will be a building site. I like having berries to pick - good for my inner (hunter/)gatherer. I've done quite a bit of work in communal parts of the garden, mostly small jobs which LL tends not to notice and/or he notices only what I haven't done. Such is life.
My newly planted/re-planted herbs and flowers are doing well, which was not a given. Moving them in the middle of a heatwave is not the best time, but that's when I had arranged with my help to do so. Actually a self-employed guy who can help with handyman stuff, and did so for me after my move, as well as gardening plus some other stuff I fortunately don't need help with (yet). Anyway, filling watering cans and lugging them over has paid off. And LL had better be happy that that part of the garden looks much better now! I'm certainly happy, it was worth finally paying somebody to complete it. There are still some free spots including in most of the raised beds, where I can plant/sow more flowers or herbs or maybe even one of the quick-growing lettuces whose leaves you keep harvesting rather than the whole plant. It's probably not too late in the growing season yet.
It's now Thursday and I've been doing more gardening on my own both today and yesterday. Actually apart from the necessary watering of newly planted or re-planted herbs and flowers, housework would have been much more important, but I prefer gardening. Must have been last week or so, I discovered a mini-plantation of wild strawberries on the property of the empty building next door and I've been picking and eating them, as well as the wild strawberries on this property. Nobody else uses them. Today I also picked some raspberries, since they're beginning to ripen. They're basically wild as well. They're mostly in the part of the property that is in the process of being sold and will be a building site. I like having berries to pick - good for my inner (hunter/)gatherer. I've done quite a bit of work in communal parts of the garden, mostly small jobs which LL tends not to notice and/or he notices only what I haven't done. Such is life.
My newly planted/re-planted herbs and flowers are doing well, which was not a given. Moving them in the middle of a heatwave is not the best time, but that's when I had arranged with my help to do so. Actually a self-employed guy who can help with handyman stuff, and did so for me after my move, as well as gardening plus some other stuff I fortunately don't need help with (yet). Anyway, filling watering cans and lugging them over has paid off. And LL had better be happy that that part of the garden looks much better now! I'm certainly happy, it was worth finally paying somebody to complete it. There are still some free spots including in most of the raised beds, where I can plant/sow more flowers or herbs or maybe even one of the quick-growing lettuces whose leaves you keep harvesting rather than the whole plant. It's probably not too late in the growing season yet.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by NarcKiddo - July 03, 2025, 06:04:48 PMI hope the stomach pain eases off soon.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - July 03, 2025, 04:21:15 PMQuote from: Hope67 on July 03, 2025, 02:42:49 PMHi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.
I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.
Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope
Thank you Hope. May your holiday be enjoyable as well.
#7
Sleep Issues / Re: Dreams and other thoughts
Last post by Kizzie - July 03, 2025, 04:01:40 PMThat was quite the dream Hope! I have a lot of similar dreams in which I'm trying to go somewhere and have to gather my things quickly but I can't seem to get the job done no matter how hard I try. I don't do so on speeding trains though 
Amazing what our minds can get up to in our sleep. I'm thankful they are only anxious type dreams and not the nightmares that plague many of our fellow survivors.
Amazing what our minds can get up to in our sleep. I'm thankful they are only anxious type dreams and not the nightmares that plague many of our fellow survivors.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by Hope67 - July 03, 2025, 03:08:06 PMI have some stomach pain today - not sure why. I hope it gets better. Now I've come here to write, I find I can't think of what I want to say. So I'll just leave it there, and maybe come back later or another day. I just wrote about a dream in my dream journal (different part of the forum) and somehow I feel quite sad now. I think it was because part of me really wanted me to add that dream there, but there's a part that is very upset about it (at the same time).
Actually I have been processing quite a few things in past days, and so I guess I am feeling some physical effects of that. Hence I suspect that might be why my stomach is painful.
I have read some very emotional autobiographies lately too - I read one by Richard E. Grant, where he talks about his relationship with his wife and how he coped during her cancer journey and subsequent death, and I cried a lot whilst reading that. I also read Sharon Stone's autobiography and found that to be poignant as well.
I find it interesting that when I started to try to read Mary Bratton's book (about CSA) that I then managed to read it for a while, but then ended up reading lots of autobiographies (these 2 plus I think a few more) and haven't gone back to Mary Bratton's book - it's like I can only manage to read it occasionally before the part that wants to rub things out, makes me distracted and gets me to read other things. I know I'm in control of my bus driving, but somehow I am distracted from Mary's book. At least I can see the book - I haven't lost it/misplaced it. I might read some more. I find it helpful.
Actually I have been processing quite a few things in past days, and so I guess I am feeling some physical effects of that. Hence I suspect that might be why my stomach is painful.
I have read some very emotional autobiographies lately too - I read one by Richard E. Grant, where he talks about his relationship with his wife and how he coped during her cancer journey and subsequent death, and I cried a lot whilst reading that. I also read Sharon Stone's autobiography and found that to be poignant as well.
I find it interesting that when I started to try to read Mary Bratton's book (about CSA) that I then managed to read it for a while, but then ended up reading lots of autobiographies (these 2 plus I think a few more) and haven't gone back to Mary Bratton's book - it's like I can only manage to read it occasionally before the part that wants to rub things out, makes me distracted and gets me to read other things. I know I'm in control of my bus driving, but somehow I am distracted from Mary's book. At least I can see the book - I haven't lost it/misplaced it. I might read some more. I find it helpful.
#9
Sleep Issues / Re: Dreams and other thoughts
Last post by Hope67 - July 03, 2025, 02:59:06 PMLast night I had a dream that involved being in a train and travelling somewhere with my partner. It was however really scary because the train was travelling extra fast, and I was aware we were due to get off, but then I thought I needed my jacket, which I had left in a compartment, and so we were almost running/rushing through the compartments to get to the right place to bring my jacket. There was a man and his teenage son sitting where we had sat, and I grabbed at what I thought was my jacket, and took it - only to realise I'd taken the teenage son's jacket by mistake, and then I had to run back to return it. Meanwhile, the train was going so fast, and I began to fear we'd missed our station. There was also some kind of announcement that the train had literally done a 360 loop, somewhat similar to a roller coaster, but I remember exclaiming that it couldn't have done that, that I would never have agreed to go on a train that would do that. Then my partner saying 'Yes, but it did do that' - and I then thought that somehow my conscious brain had rubbed that part out, and therefore I was saved from experiencing that bit.
Anyway, that dream was hyper real, and when I told my partner about it - he said 'Wow, that sounds exciting'.
I felt a need to put this dream here, so I have.
Anyway, that dream was hyper real, and when I told my partner about it - he said 'Wow, that sounds exciting'.
I felt a need to put this dream here, so I have.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by Hope67 - July 03, 2025, 02:42:49 PMHi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.
I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.
Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.
I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.
Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope