Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

But I'm not in a war zone. I can have preferences. I can have boundaries. I can have water, or tea, I can make a morning routine or not. If I focus on what I want for myself, I feel my self come more into presence,

i thought this was a profound realization, and i loved reading it, hannah1.

i have felt that 'nothingness' about myself as well, which is why, i think, when i thought about doing parts work, i was afraid there were no parts in there.  just a big block of 'me' who does what needs to be done. there's always been something that needs to be done, and it was often some sort of survival.  so, all of me was focused on just that, which was plenty. no room for anything else.

so glad for you that you found your 'self' in all this.  well done!  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

Thank you all for interacting with my journal. In thinking more about what everyone has been sharing here and in their own journals I've been trying something new in the mornings.

All my life when I first wake up, I feel calm and peaceful. Clear. But immediately, I remember "oh yeah, my life is ruined." the past hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel, "someone who's been through what I've been through can never succeed or be happy." This is obviously a toxic belief from the past, when I would wake in the morning and remember whatever abuse had happened the previous day or night. It's like every morning I realize it all over again and have some kind of emotional flashback of intense doom. It's like being sucker punched every morning.

The last few mornings I've been trying something new. I've been trying to "hold on" to the peace I initially wake up with. I don't know how I'm doing it. It's not denial, I'm aware that I have a difficult past, but I just insist that my mind stay in the calm at the same time as knowing that. Like walking a horse, where I just insist we not walk through the puddle, or with Frank, I just insist that he not jump out of my arms until I've lowered him enough to not break a leg. I don't squeeze or grip Frank, that would make him leap even more. I just mentally insist, hold firm and he gets the message, "this is for your good" and he relaxes and waits to be lowered. With the horse I can't pull him around the puddle, he's 2000 lbs and I'm 150. But I can mentally "hold" my space. I'm sure energetically that my "holding" affects my musculature and nerves and that's what the animals are responding to. It's pretty cool to see that somehow I can do the same with myself. It takes focus and attention and intention.

I don't know if this will keep working but I"m intrigued. If I can hold off the negative belief and rush of despair and self-recrimination for a few hours, I seem to be over it and it never descends. When I first wake up I'm probably more vulnerable to it. By the time I've done my, AHEM, "morning routine," I'm more in the present and have more inner resources.

I keep working on my clothes. I am experimenting with brighter colors lately. Red pants and a blue denim swing top, snakeskin Mary janes. Red and white striped button up under a bright blue sweater, camo pants. Pine green sweater, white pants, green sneakers. I am drawn to the intense color contrasts and pattern mixing but I can't quite handle the contrast, I end up washed out, the clothes are wearing me. The way to deal with this is wear makeup. I can't quite cross that bridge and don't know if I will. My family had extremely conservative beliefs that outlawed makeup, yet it was applied to me unpleasantly for other people's enjoyment. Such a toxic stew. So I may have to steer back to more monochrome outfits for less contrast, and more browns, blues and grays. I'm trying to see if I can get the contrast I want through texture instead of color. I'm torn what to do about my face. In painting, it' like putting on makeup, you blush the cheek, fill in the lip. It never looks garish. I would like to be able to "paint" my face, to highlight, to add color to balance my garments like I do in a painting. It's just so scary, I know I will feel all manner of disgust, feel clownish. Anyway I'm thinking about it which is step one of exposure.

I'm pretty psyched because I've started PT and while it's tough, I am already getting stronger. After a few years of lying in bed too many hours a day, I'm very deconditioned. I am angry at myself for becoming so depressed. Whenever my kids were not at home, I was in bed, and that may have led to my illness and certainly led to my torn knee ligament. I'm happy that already all my muscles are waking up, I"m moving without pain, getting my arm mobility back after surgery, and my knee seems to be healing. It feels amazing to be more in my body, to feel strong like I used to with the horses, to feel myself moving through space solidly.

I have some difficulty at times, looking in the mirror at the gym is difficult. I have some kind of dysmorphia not about my size/shape but more about ME, I don't feel I look like "me." But looking in the mirror will help me get past that. I am hopeful about this next step, not just clothes but also my body in the clothes, how I inhabit not just the clothes but my body. Can I make peace with my past, can I stay aware of my past without thinking "someone like me can't exist," can I move through time and space in the present moment as the adult I am? Can I find peace? Can I learn to live as all of me?

[NarcKiddo]

I am glad you have started PT and that you are getting stronger. A feeling of physical strength is amazing. I couldn't believe quite how much, when I finally discovered fitness in my 40s. I am sure you can learn to live as all of you and that you are already some way down that road. 

You know about art and what colours work. It seems to me there could be several ways to work with the clothing conundrum. Thinking about putting make up on is one aspect and of course there is nothing wrong with make up as such. But I can see why it holds such connotations for you. You have not asked for suggestions but I am going to throw some out here, because I can't resist it. Ignore the rest of this post if you'd rather not think about them, and if you would like me to remove them just say and I will gladly edit the post.

Options that occur to me:
Start by just putting a bit of make up on at home and then cleaning it off again if it feels too much.
Consider whether your hair colour/style is the best for you and consider making changes if it is contributing to the washing-out effect.
On the above two points there are now various sites where you can upload a photo and then virtually try on make up or hair styles. It might be worth playing with that a little, just to get used to what you might look like in a mirror if you start experimenting in real life.
Experiment with wearing different colours next to your face until you find the ones that don't wash you out. Then add colour contrast below, or with a scarf worn loose so the colour actually next to your face is enhancing you.
If your colours are fine with your complexion but your colour contrasts still feel like they are wearing you, maybe you just need a bit of extra balance up top via a hat or scarf in your hair.
Do you wear glasses? They can be a very useful way to add balance to the whole look. My mother used to make me wear glasses that looked as unobtrusive as possible, supposedly to "hide" the fact that I was wearing them. Like you can hide that!! And I was supposed to pack on make up to hide my various defects. As I have got older I have cut down make up. I also enjoy bright clothing but have found that my face can hold its own with simply the right glasses and a slick of lipstick that suits my complexion. 
If you have ever enjoyed acting see if there is an amateur dramatics group near you which might require you to paint your face for a theatrical purpose. That could be a fun way to break the back of the problem but it is very drastic!

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, the PT work sounds wonderful and i'm really glad for you that you're seeing such pos. results.

i think NK"s suggestions have merit. a little here, a little there, baby steps.  or none, according to how you feel about it.

when i was in jr. high, i had a terrible time making friends and became so lonely, i brought it to my parents.  needless to say, that didn't go well, so i decided i was going to have to change me, my personality.  it took me a while, but by the time i was a senior in high school, it had worked. 

do what you need to do so you can feel better about you.  you are what you are, what you have, and you can do w/ her what you want.  choices and decisions - and lots of practice.  it'll take time, but i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to be.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

NK, thank you for sharing some ideas. I love the idea about glasses. I wore them since I was a toddler as I was a preemie. A few years ago got eye surgery and no longer needed. But I think I will get some. They will make my face look more "intentional" even without makeup. And yes, I cannot stand ANYTHING on my skin I Can't even wear sunscreen. But lipstick I can do. I am going to experiment with the most nude lip to start LOL.

I  also love the idea about improv! I'm starting a ballet class in a few months when my knee is healed. Baby steps

SanMagic7, there is definitely a delayed development going on along with my midlife crisis lol. I didn't get to experiment as a teen at all it was very rigidly controlled in what could wear, and we were poor. Then I left home and was in survival mode working and saving, then kids.... I've never taken time to figure out what I want to say, what versions of me I Want to express. Thank you for the solidarity.

[HannahOne]

So my grand plan for morning failed today, LOL. Got up, made kids breakfast and lunch, made partner lunch, fed dogs, rabbit, katydid (don't ask!), walked dogs, ran the dishes Aaaannnnndddd back to bed.

Laid in bad in sad despair for several hours, thrashing around and telling myself to get up while equally yelling at myself to stay put for fear of the feelings I would have if I got up.

Thought about what I wanted to do. I wanted to play with clothes. Part of me saying that's a waste of time, need to clean up the house for weekend, I should be working, when will I get a job, I should work on my small business I have two clients to call back, no I should go back to corporate, I can never go back to corporate......

Got up at noon and got the pants that came in the mail yesterday. 14$ eBay grey wool trousers by Talbot. A strange experiment. What was I thinking when I ordered these? I put them on, they fit perfectly. I put on my ice blue lace top. wow! Added a black leather jacket. Oh yeah. Burgundy pointed toe boots. Yes m'am. Tried a white t shirt with a blue denim swing jacket. V nice, the jacket makes the pants casual. Added a sneaker. Yup. Carmel wool sweater, yep. Brown linen sweater, yep. How about the Joshua Tree oversized T shirt? Yes! Pine green athletic sweatshirt with white stripe down the arms. Wow! Add silver Mary Jane. Yeah!

These gray pants go with absolutely everything I own, every top from button down to lace blouse to sweater to sweatshirt and t shirt. Every blazer, every suede or leather jacket. Every shoe from sneaker to boot to Mary Jane to loafer.

They bring the masculine and business vibe. Then everything else can be casual, which most of my tops and shoes are. The tops and shoes can bring the soft or romantic, like the lace top of the denim swing top, the Mary Jane. The tops and shoes can bring sporty casual like the sneaker and sweatshirt. Or I can stay in the dressy lane with the caramel or chocolate sweaters and boot.

I was trying to find the perfect jeans and that was throwing everything off, because jeans are dark blue. And then I have to wear lighter things on top, and I need saturated colors near my face. And jeans say casual and they also say "mom." And I am a mom, but I am becoming more than a mom and reclaiming other parts of me. I don't need my pants to say "mom," I want my pants to say the things I am aspiring to, like solid gray wool pants. Textured, natural from a sheep LOL, woven, business, masculine. Also lower rise and straight leg slouchy. I'm a 90s high school kid after all.

The other pair of pants that usually work are light wash 90s low rise straight slouchy jeans.

I have short barrel grey jeans and I know now why I loved them---the grey. Not sure about the silhouette now. I have white jeans, and I know now why I loved them--light on the bottom. I have chocolate brown trousers and I know now why I love them---business. These grey pants bring all three of those qualities together.

Knowing why I like or don't like something is just as important as knowing what I like or don't like. I want to learn to articulate preferences. I want to gain mastery with clothes as a language just like I can learn to gain mastery with words as a language. I can feel it, the words I want to say.

I find it hilarious that the color that made everything work is grey. Not black, not white. Not red. Not blue or pine green or the orange I recently tried, Frank save the Queen. Gray, a color that isn't a color, it's a mix of dark and light. A neutral that holds the extremes. It's also the perfect contrast, whether I go lighter on the top or darker on the top, grey is holding the middle.

That's what I want to say. I want to carry, express, not black not white. Color that is no color. Wu Wei, the color that is a color is not the true color. I want to say extremes of dark and light held together by neutral, the Middle Way. I want to express business-like slouch. Luxurious casual. Serious lack of effort. LOL. Just pulled on these $14 1990s 100% wool trousers with a silk lining, hello world!

Eh, it's just clothes. But I'm thrilled. Happiness unlocked.

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, i'm so glad you decided to play w/ clothes - i found a lot of enjoyment in it!  and gray is one of my very favorite colors, so i get it.  beautiful.  sounds like you hit the right nail on the head, here.  well done!  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

Thank you, SanMagic7! I am feeling a new sense of empowerment at being able to make decisions about what to wear based on how I FEEL in my clothes, and express what I want to say. Hoping this will help me move more forward and out into the world and connect to other people.

[HannahOne]

Feeling triggered and thought writing might help.

I had a wonderful day today connecting with a special group of people. Afterward I felt so centered and calm, so present. I think this has been a huge missing piece for me in my life, being with people who understand what it's like to have CPTSD, being able to be "out" about it. No one in my life knows my diagnosis. I don't share my past beyond that I was "raised by wolves." My partner knows because he lives with me, not because I've told him. My sibling knows because they lived it with me. I've lived as someone to whom it didn't happen.

To be able to take for granted that it happened, to be with people who lived it too, to even laugh about the predicament with others..... I wish I could better describe the feeling, all I can say is "solid." and "clear." "Quiet inside." "Arrived." "All of me." "What I've been searching for." This feeling lasted for hours and hours and I just reveled in it. It's like all the me's of the past were taking it in, and it was changing their lives, too, rewriting the past. Not alone---never alone. While I was suffering in the Midwest of America, these beloveds were also going through their own samsaras, AND COMING OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE, all these years ALSO fighting, climbing, searching, learning, persevering, believing. It's a shared experience. It's an experience of human beings. I am a human being. I belong to the tribe of humans. If they can live and thrive, I too can live and thrive. I can be someone to whom it all happened---I CAN BE ME.

As the day wore on I started to feel unwell and now it's clear I'm getting a cold. NBD. A little cold. Tested negative for flu an dCOVID. Fine.

Yet I'm spiraling. I HATE the feeling of "going down."

I get so scared when I feel sick. I get so triggered. I get so scared.

I hate being unable to do things. Feeling helpless is the worst feeling for me.

I had cleaned the whole house Friday, yet today it's messed up again, and I can't clean it, I can't do the dishes this evening, I can't clean the rat cage, I can't put away the laundry. I hate disorder, it's very triggering as my house growing up could be hoarded or disordered. I am not a neat freak and do regularly have creative mess, it's just that when I feel triggered I need to be able to order it. And right now I can't. Frank's lettuce sits on the counter, the dishes sit in the sink, there's a box that needs to go to recycling. A feeling of chaos and neglect overwhelms me.

It's scary to feel I must keep going, when my body says I can't. I'll still have to take care of everyone, meals, dishes, laundry, pets, a cycle of every 2 hours another production. Recently with my surgery I got one kid and the partner to step up and the other kid who just can't cope went to a friend's for the week. How will I produce meals tomorrow. I can't even think.

Being sick was rough as a kid. When I had flu they made me bathe in cold water, scrub my head (wouldn't pay to heat the water), and put on my tights and patent leather shoes and frilly dress to go to Christmas dinner. I passed out in the hallway with wet hair dripping on my dress. They bundled me up and put me in the car, hair still dripping in 20 degree winter, off to grandma's house. I laid on her carpet and the room spun. I don't remember getting home. One of the worst moments of my life was having chicken pox. Sounds wild, right? So much abuse, and yet it was CHICKEN POX that got me? I was about 9 years old and awake in the middle of the night, so itchy, and alone. Feverish. It's the only time I ever wished to die as a child. I just felt so alone in my suffering, lying on the green carpet in the living room so my crying wouldn't wake my parents, scratching nd scratching and asking God to take me. It was my dark night of the soul. Probably because of high fever. 

I also don't like my plans being messed up. I don't have much of a life, and now I won't be able to do a few things that were important to me. I had plans for tomorrow, for once in years my partner and I were going to go out to breakfast. I was to return a pair of shoes. And I want to go to therapy in person on Monday. And my older kid has several doctors appointments. And I'm supposed to see the oncologist. And I need to respond to the district about IEP. And I already can't think clearly.

If I could just lay in bed and be sick I think it could be a cozy feeling. It's the feeling of having to keep going that is getting me.

I'm not sure how to get through a night that now feels scary, isolated, nightmarish. I want to go back to the feeling I had earlier today of being fully present, clear, and inner quiet. That inner quiet was just delicious. That sense of presence was so yummy. That feeling of clarity was cravable. How can I get back to that and unblend from this?

There's a loud thumping from down the hall. Frank always interrupts my rumination, it's like he can sense overthinking and it annoys him, he doesn't like the vibe. THUMP THUMP STOP THINKING, THINKING TOO LOUD. This is Frank's happy hour, he's crepuscular so 8pm-midnight is his high time. Thump thump thump. And I'm not alone, Mia the dog is in her purple puffer coat and under my wool blanket for good measure, little thin-skinned Puerto Rican greyhound was not meant for snow. You can feel Frank's spirit loud tonight. Lately Frank is a destructo-bun. Lately he seems more frustrated. The more he heals, the more energy he has. It's his second year with us? or third? And month by month he has more energy, more self-expression. From totally shut down, to hopeful but in pain, to pain-free and curious, to connected and joyful, content and liberated, and now... destructo-bun. chewing a wire here, flinging his metal bowl there, thumping, tearing down the hall and back and tiptoeing onto the hard floor, digging the carpet into a frayed mess. He's a wild man these days. I love to see the spunky spirit but sir! You are a domesticated rabbit, please mind the wires! I think his intensity is just a sign of more healing, he feels safe enough to let his instincts out, Frank flag fly. And, clearly I am not alone. Thump thump thump, crash! I'm going to take away his bowl tomorrow.

I think one of the worst things about my trauma wasn't the fists or body part A and body part B, wasn't the emotional abuse, it was this sense of isolation. Neglect. That I'm alone, as if I'm the only one who ever suffered. Which is of course complete rabbit poop. Everyone suffers. Right now millions are suffering much more than a minor cold in a posh American suburb. It's not to gaslight myself with "people are starving in China," It's that I am not, actually, alone. This sense of profound isolation, alienation, depersonalization and derealization is an emotional flashback. It's not reality. Today I experienced not being alone. It was life-giving, absolutely life-giving.

Now, I have a cold. this too shall pass. I have taken zinc, vitamin C, vitamin D, peppermint oil, saline nasal spray and whatever other neurotic witch magic I can think of. I am safe under 100% wool covers to deal with night sweats. I have Netflix. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. I'm sorry I was not cared for when I had chicken pox. Which reminds me ,I need to get my shingles shot! Frank, have mercy. Frank be with me. Frank hear me, and make haste to help. Thump if you must. Be near me, and do not leave.