Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

But I'm not in a war zone. I can have preferences. I can have boundaries. I can have water, or tea, I can make a morning routine or not. If I focus on what I want for myself, I feel my self come more into presence,

i thought this was a profound realization, and i loved reading it, hannah1.

i have felt that 'nothingness' about myself as well, which is why, i think, when i thought about doing parts work, i was afraid there were no parts in there.  just a big block of 'me' who does what needs to be done. there's always been something that needs to be done, and it was often some sort of survival.  so, all of me was focused on just that, which was plenty. no room for anything else.

so glad for you that you found your 'self' in all this.  well done!  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

Thank you all for interacting with my journal. In thinking more about what everyone has been sharing here and in their own journals I've been trying something new in the mornings.

All my life when I first wake up, I feel calm and peaceful. Clear. But immediately, I remember "oh yeah, my life is ruined." the past hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel, "someone who's been through what I've been through can never succeed or be happy." This is obviously a toxic belief from the past, when I would wake in the morning and remember whatever abuse had happened the previous day or night. It's like every morning I realize it all over again and have some kind of emotional flashback of intense doom. It's like being sucker punched every morning.

The last few mornings I've been trying something new. I've been trying to "hold on" to the peace I initially wake up with. I don't know how I'm doing it. It's not denial, I'm aware that I have a difficult past, but I just insist that my mind stay in the calm at the same time as knowing that. Like walking a horse, where I just insist we not walk through the puddle, or with Frank, I just insist that he not jump out of my arms until I've lowered him enough to not break a leg. I don't squeeze or grip Frank, that would make him leap even more. I just mentally insist, hold firm and he gets the message, "this is for your good" and he relaxes and waits to be lowered. With the horse I can't pull him around the puddle, he's 2000 lbs and I'm 150. But I can mentally "hold" my space. I'm sure energetically that my "holding" affects my musculature and nerves and that's what the animals are responding to. It's pretty cool to see that somehow I can do the same with myself. It takes focus and attention and intention.

I don't know if this will keep working but I"m intrigued. If I can hold off the negative belief and rush of despair and self-recrimination for a few hours, I seem to be over it and it never descends. When I first wake up I'm probably more vulnerable to it. By the time I've done my, AHEM, "morning routine," I'm more in the present and have more inner resources.

I keep working on my clothes. I am experimenting with brighter colors lately. Red pants and a blue denim swing top, snakeskin Mary janes. Red and white striped button up under a bright blue sweater, camo pants. Pine green sweater, white pants, green sneakers. I am drawn to the intense color contrasts and pattern mixing but I can't quite handle the contrast, I end up washed out, the clothes are wearing me. The way to deal with this is wear makeup. I can't quite cross that bridge and don't know if I will. My family had extremely conservative beliefs that outlawed makeup, yet it was applied to me unpleasantly for other people's enjoyment. Such a toxic stew. So I may have to steer back to more monochrome outfits for less contrast, and more browns, blues and grays. I'm trying to see if I can get the contrast I want through texture instead of color. I'm torn what to do about my face. In painting, it' like putting on makeup, you blush the cheek, fill in the lip. It never looks garish. I would like to be able to "paint" my face, to highlight, to add color to balance my garments like I do in a painting. It's just so scary, I know I will feel all manner of disgust, feel clownish. Anyway I'm thinking about it which is step one of exposure.

I'm pretty psyched because I've started PT and while it's tough, I am already getting stronger. After a few years of lying in bed too many hours a day, I'm very deconditioned. I am angry at myself for becoming so depressed. Whenever my kids were not at home, I was in bed, and that may have led to my illness and certainly led to my torn knee ligament. I'm happy that already all my muscles are waking up, I"m moving without pain, getting my arm mobility back after surgery, and my knee seems to be healing. It feels amazing to be more in my body, to feel strong like I used to with the horses, to feel myself moving through space solidly.

I have some difficulty at times, looking in the mirror at the gym is difficult. I have some kind of dysmorphia not about my size/shape but more about ME, I don't feel I look like "me." But looking in the mirror will help me get past that. I am hopeful about this next step, not just clothes but also my body in the clothes, how I inhabit not just the clothes but my body. Can I make peace with my past, can I stay aware of my past without thinking "someone like me can't exist," can I move through time and space in the present moment as the adult I am? Can I find peace? Can I learn to live as all of me?

[NarcKiddo]

I am glad you have started PT and that you are getting stronger. A feeling of physical strength is amazing. I couldn't believe quite how much, when I finally discovered fitness in my 40s. I am sure you can learn to live as all of you and that you are already some way down that road. 

You know about art and what colours work. It seems to me there could be several ways to work with the clothing conundrum. Thinking about putting make up on is one aspect and of course there is nothing wrong with make up as such. But I can see why it holds such connotations for you. You have not asked for suggestions but I am going to throw some out here, because I can't resist it. Ignore the rest of this post if you'd rather not think about them, and if you would like me to remove them just say and I will gladly edit the post.

Options that occur to me:
Start by just putting a bit of make up on at home and then cleaning it off again if it feels too much.
Consider whether your hair colour/style is the best for you and consider making changes if it is contributing to the washing-out effect.
On the above two points there are now various sites where you can upload a photo and then virtually try on make up or hair styles. It might be worth playing with that a little, just to get used to what you might look like in a mirror if you start experimenting in real life.
Experiment with wearing different colours next to your face until you find the ones that don't wash you out. Then add colour contrast below, or with a scarf worn loose so the colour actually next to your face is enhancing you.
If your colours are fine with your complexion but your colour contrasts still feel like they are wearing you, maybe you just need a bit of extra balance up top via a hat or scarf in your hair.
Do you wear glasses? They can be a very useful way to add balance to the whole look. My mother used to make me wear glasses that looked as unobtrusive as possible, supposedly to "hide" the fact that I was wearing them. Like you can hide that!! And I was supposed to pack on make up to hide my various defects. As I have got older I have cut down make up. I also enjoy bright clothing but have found that my face can hold its own with simply the right glasses and a slick of lipstick that suits my complexion. 
If you have ever enjoyed acting see if there is an amateur dramatics group near you which might require you to paint your face for a theatrical purpose. That could be a fun way to break the back of the problem but it is very drastic!

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, the PT work sounds wonderful and i'm really glad for you that you're seeing such pos. results.

i think NK"s suggestions have merit. a little here, a little there, baby steps.  or none, according to how you feel about it.

when i was in jr. high, i had a terrible time making friends and became so lonely, i brought it to my parents.  needless to say, that didn't go well, so i decided i was going to have to change me, my personality.  it took me a while, but by the time i was a senior in high school, it had worked. 

do what you need to do so you can feel better about you.  you are what you are, what you have, and you can do w/ her what you want.  choices and decisions - and lots of practice.  it'll take time, but i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to be.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

NK, thank you for sharing some ideas. I love the idea about glasses. I wore them since I was a toddler as I was a preemie. A few years ago got eye surgery and no longer needed. But I think I will get some. They will make my face look more "intentional" even without makeup. And yes, I cannot stand ANYTHING on my skin I Can't even wear sunscreen. But lipstick I can do. I am going to experiment with the most nude lip to start LOL.

I  also love the idea about improv! I'm starting a ballet class in a few months when my knee is healed. Baby steps

SanMagic7, there is definitely a delayed development going on along with my midlife crisis lol. I didn't get to experiment as a teen at all it was very rigidly controlled in what could wear, and we were poor. Then I left home and was in survival mode working and saving, then kids.... I've never taken time to figure out what I want to say, what versions of me I Want to express. Thank you for the solidarity.

[HannahOne]

So my grand plan for morning failed today, LOL. Got up, made kids breakfast and lunch, made partner lunch, fed dogs, rabbit, katydid (don't ask!), walked dogs, ran the dishes Aaaannnnndddd back to bed.

Laid in bad in sad despair for several hours, thrashing around and telling myself to get up while equally yelling at myself to stay put for fear of the feelings I would have if I got up.

Thought about what I wanted to do. I wanted to play with clothes. Part of me saying that's a waste of time, need to clean up the house for weekend, I should be working, when will I get a job, I should work on my small business I have two clients to call back, no I should go back to corporate, I can never go back to corporate......

Got up at noon and got the pants that came in the mail yesterday. 14$ eBay grey wool trousers by Talbot. A strange experiment. What was I thinking when I ordered these? I put them on, they fit perfectly. I put on my ice blue lace top. wow! Added a black leather jacket. Oh yeah. Burgundy pointed toe boots. Yes m'am. Tried a white t shirt with a blue denim swing jacket. V nice, the jacket makes the pants casual. Added a sneaker. Yup. Carmel wool sweater, yep. Brown linen sweater, yep. How about the Joshua Tree oversized T shirt? Yes! Pine green athletic sweatshirt with white stripe down the arms. Wow! Add silver Mary Jane. Yeah!

These gray pants go with absolutely everything I own, every top from button down to lace blouse to sweater to sweatshirt and t shirt. Every blazer, every suede or leather jacket. Every shoe from sneaker to boot to Mary Jane to loafer.

They bring the masculine and business vibe. Then everything else can be casual, which most of my tops and shoes are. The tops and shoes can bring the soft or romantic, like the lace top of the denim swing top, the Mary Jane. The tops and shoes can bring sporty casual like the sneaker and sweatshirt. Or I can stay in the dressy lane with the caramel or chocolate sweaters and boot.

I was trying to find the perfect jeans and that was throwing everything off, because jeans are dark blue. And then I have to wear lighter things on top, and I need saturated colors near my face. And jeans say casual and they also say "mom." And I am a mom, but I am becoming more than a mom and reclaiming other parts of me. I don't need my pants to say "mom," I want my pants to say the things I am aspiring to, like solid gray wool pants. Textured, natural from a sheep LOL, woven, business, masculine. Also lower rise and straight leg slouchy. I'm a 90s high school kid after all.

The other pair of pants that usually work are light wash 90s low rise straight slouchy jeans.

I have short barrel grey jeans and I know now why I loved them---the grey. Not sure about the silhouette now. I have white jeans, and I know now why I loved them--light on the bottom. I have chocolate brown trousers and I know now why I love them---business. These grey pants bring all three of those qualities together.

Knowing why I like or don't like something is just as important as knowing what I like or don't like. I want to learn to articulate preferences. I want to gain mastery with clothes as a language just like I can learn to gain mastery with words as a language. I can feel it, the words I want to say.

I find it hilarious that the color that made everything work is grey. Not black, not white. Not red. Not blue or pine green or the orange I recently tried, Frank save the Queen. Gray, a color that isn't a color, it's a mix of dark and light. A neutral that holds the extremes. It's also the perfect contrast, whether I go lighter on the top or darker on the top, grey is holding the middle.

That's what I want to say. I want to carry, express, not black not white. Color that is no color. Wu Wei, the color that is a color is not the true color. I want to say extremes of dark and light held together by neutral, the Middle Way. I want to express business-like slouch. Luxurious casual. Serious lack of effort. LOL. Just pulled on these $14 1990s 100% wool trousers with a silk lining, hello world!

Eh, it's just clothes. But I'm thrilled. Happiness unlocked.