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#1

Recovery Journals / Re: Forging New Paths

Last post by Blueberry - Today at 10:57:10 AM

I accomplished a lot yesterday after my difficult start. I had a good day too.
A bit sleepy and tired I suppose today, didn't get out of bed till noon. No actually probably a bit uneasy if not downright triggered about some conversations I managed to get into the past week or so. Not argumentative, but with people who don't do me good and don't notice my subtle signs that I don't want to further engage. Would be helpful to do some of my Imagination or Screen work on it.

Apart from that, there are so many things I want to write on the forum atm, mostly my own reactions to various things, progress, responses to various mbrs here on the forum, information gleaned from free webinars etc etc etc. But not able for the moment.

#2

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Hard free-fall

Last post by Blueberry - Today at 10:48:18 AM

Thinking of you woodsgnome and of that eagle. Sending support. 

#3

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by Bert - Today at 09:52:46 AM

Hi there NK,

I just wanted to send my love and support. I hope you feel better soon. 

#4

Recovery Journals / Re: Bert's Journal

Last post by Bert - Today at 09:50:50 AM

Morning guys,

Thanks Slash and Armee for your insight and advice. I'm completely behind the words you have shared.

Unfortunately, the weekend has been quite tough. I am dealing with very intense emotions and EFs. Of course it's normal to feel overwhelmed in a new job, perhaps a slice of imposter syndrome is expect also. But these feelings are exceptionally triggering. I've shared a few tears and have had to combat a self-deprecating mind over this weekend so far.

Though I have a much better understanding of the condition that I possess, and by extension I'm a little more compassionate and understanding of my behaviours etc - I have to admit I am struggling.

I feel like I'm different... Pre CPTSD diagnosis, to now. I fear that if I can't hold this job down, I really am hopeless, you know?

Perhaps I cannot cope with the stresses of the industry I work in any more. Is my body telling me to change? Or is this a deeper desire to avoid and run away?

PS: Slash, it's nice to make your acquaintance. And Armee, I wish you the very best as you re-enter your working world - I feel proud that you're taking that step!

#5

Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...

Last post by dollyvee - Today at 09:48:53 AM

Tomorrow I'm going to meet a new therapist who was recommended to me by my current therapist, as someone who can do VERY intense IFS work. She has studied with Robert Falconer, who wrote The Others Within Us and she told me on the phone that our first session(s) will be to work with the part in me who is, what I call, my inner bouncer. I have an inner bouncer who, for my entire life, has tried to keep other people out of my head. Anytime I've ever tried to meditate or be hypnotized, this part pops up and distracts me. He sends me messages like, "This is stupid. Don't fall for it."  Meanwhile, I PAID a hypnotherapist to help me quit smoking or quit eating too much or to help me find my inner peace, and this bouncer keeps throwing them out of my head. I'm intrigued. I'm so glad she said that was where we'll start, so that as we work in later sessions to find more parts, he won't throw her out of my head.

Hi PC,

I'm glad you've found some energy and happiness. The time with your family sounds wonderful. As others have mentioned, having a family like that is a testament to what a great job you did.

FWIW I think energy work has a place and has helped me in the past. It didn't solve all my problems, but probably helped me along my way to doing those things. FWIW too, I'm interested to hear about your inner bouncer. I do believe in perpetrator introjects (energetically and psychologically). I'm also beginning to understand how important it is for a part of me to protect my inner world, and how connection can throw that in disarray. Probably because I had to start learning how to do it at such a young age where any and everything is big, overpowering and doesn't make sense. So, no matter how well meaning someone can be, I think they might want to "throw them out" as well because it's hard to understand that I don't have to protect myself in that way all the time etc.

Sending you support,
dolly

#6

General Discussion / Why Did This Happen To Me?

Last post by Rizzo - Today at 09:41:18 AM

I often think and ask why did this happen to me?
Why did I deserve it?
So many years of suffering.. the cycle of violence that never ends.
I guess many of you know exactly what I'm talking about
I just want to understand sometimes why?... Just why?

#7

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by dollyvee - Today at 09:35:49 AM

dollyvee - I would normally agree with you. The signs of infection were showing before starting the drugs, though. And I have combed the internet for side effects of these drugs. Fever, coughing and racing heart simply do not feature anywhere. Anyway, whatever happens I keep taking the Hep C drugs. I absolutely refuse to end up with drug-resistant hepatitis at the end of it.

HI NK,

I'm sorry too that you might not go on your cruise and get to do something you were looking forward to.

With the HCV stuff, my initial thought was that the drugs were bringing up something maybe previously undetected in the body, and not a specific reaction to the medication. Sometimes there's a herx reaction where things get worse before they get better etc, but also that maybe the HCV is affecting more than just the liver, which perhaps the doctors might have missed. Viruses are funny things. I feel like I'm overstepping here, but I did a quick search and there are pulmonary reactions to HCV. Years of growing up with people that were ill around you and trying to solve their problems is a hard thing to shake. As well as being overlooked by doctors for my own health problems. I do hope you start to feel better though and find some space for rest.

"Chronic HCV infection is, however, associated with multiple extrahepatic manifestations as well, including recently recognized effects on the lung. These include primary effects on lung function, as well as secondary effects in the settings of progressive liver disease and drug treatment for HCV."

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0012369215527141

This is an old study and perhaps things might have changed, but might be worth looking into a bit more.

Sending you support,
dolly

#8

Recovery Journals / Re: dollyvee's recovery journa...

Last post by dollyvee - Today at 09:19:42 AM

Thank you Hope - I think it's somethingI do to try suppress what's happened really. I guess that's how I dealt with it because I didn't have anything else. Boundaries? Not allowed. Standing up for myself? Punished and gaslit into thinking it was me. So, the only thing that worked/was allowed was to block it out, or it just doesn't exist.

I think there's a lot of stuff coming up now and this morning I could write about a few different things, but not really sure about the direction. I think that's also familiar. I guess it's just emotion? Though don;t think I could nail down a specific one. Impending Doom brought to the surface? Perhaps as I've been feeling like I've spent a lot of the past week very hypervigilant around people, but also with a sort of clarity?

I spoke with t about feeling defensive about my inner world and I was much more emotional talking about that than I expected to be. I feel/ suspect this is at the heart of a lot of things/connection stuff. The conflict between needing to protect/keep my own inner world safe vs engaging and taking what others say on board. I think it's just the immediate feeling or readiness to take on something if there is an issue, and then, I am "bad." It's such an automatic process.

I watched Heidi Priebe's video on needs and relationships, which was pretty eye opening. I've often felt like I wasn't allowed to have needs, or that in a relationship, my needs are somehow disassociated from me. I very much identified with feeling like yoou have to meet all your needs in a relationship. It feels so foreign that someone else would meet my needs, or some of them, and not expect something from me. (I checked out for a bit after I wrote that last bit, so I guess there's something in there). This is also not "special," or only for certain (ie good) people, but is how relationships work for most people (apparently?). I guess it just feels safer for me to do things myself.

I'm also revisiting an experience with my gym friend where I was joking about doing an exercise badly because I was tired from working so much the past bit. She said, but why not do them this way - which was sort of it's fine what you're doing.  Of course me being me, I want to challenge and push myself. I sort of deflected and made it into a joke about already having a therapist (which sounds pretty harsh when I write it out here, but don't think it came across like that). So, we sort of talked (trauma bonded?) and turns out that she also has a similar family of the why didn't you get all A's variety, and she was speaking I guess as someone who she would have spoken to her like that. I didn't really take on board though what she was saying until later, or have it fully sink in. I didn't push myself to maximum, but backed off. However, that feeling of I should have done better was still there. Or maybe not should have done better, but disappointment in not doing so on some level.

I'm also pretty sure I saw a paedophile in the the grocery store yesterday, watching this mother and child probably pretty innocuously to everyone else, but I did not like the feeling. I don't know how to describe it, the mom was loving but busy and stressed, only half paying attention to the little girl, and it felt like he was taking all of this in and looking at the girl. I stared at him and he didn't care. The feeling was so odd. It was like he knew he wasn't going to get caught. And I felt like there is nothing really that I can do, but stare at him and show him I know what you are. This is the first time I've understood the term predator. That's exactly the feeling I got. I thought about going to the police, but what  can I say? I don't think this man should be around children. Or telling the mom to watch her child more closely? I wish I would have went after the mom, but I didn't want to cause her alarm? I guess it's bringing up some of my own feelings around powerlessness.

#9

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by Blueberry - April 27, 2024, 11:27:04 PM

Oh no NK!!  I'm so sorry you are not doing well and we will all be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. That's hard about the cruise as I know you were quite excited. 

    

#10

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by SteveM - April 27, 2024, 10:51:07 PM

Oh NK, so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way!