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thank you from my heart for your kind words. 

and, i hope that construction noise is over with soon.  i'm with you on that noise thing - hate it!!!

yes, i do trust my gut pains, and i'm continuing to work on this whole eating thing.  i've had this problem from eating fruits and veggies for years.  i don't know why.  i also know that after a while of eating 'healthy', i'll start feeling sick-y, like stress flu (i've heard it called that - flu-like symptoms altho it's not the flu or other 'real' illness at all), and then, if i eat pizza, or burger and fries, i feel much better.  guess i'll have to talk to the doc about that.  it must be something i'm lacking, or my brain is lacking.  it's been a puzzle for years.

today i was able to walk to the store, and later i'll take a shower.  that's pretty much the extent of my 'work' for today, physically.  a little nap soon, then some tennis.  watching tennis is both relaxing and exciting for me. 

i think there's progress here, it just gets difficult to see when i get knocked down physically again.  it's just so frustrating.  and painful.  i'm really getting sick of being in pain.  maybe someday . . .

candid, please don't be hard on yourself.  you did what you thought best at the time with the info you had.  i know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true.  we all have.  we've had enough recrimination from others for not being perfect to last us a lifetime.    here's hoping it doesn't.   

sending you soothing tea and nourishing soup and the hope that you get better quickly, blueberry.  big hug from across the room cuz i don't want to get sick as well!                                                               

lingurine, you're frankness is compelling, inspiring.  it shows your courage and determination to meet and beat this beast head-on. 

i'm so very sorry for what you've gone through.  i don't have enough words.  frank is a good name for this, to my mind, on many levels.

was this helpful for you, to let this out?  i certainly hope so.  to be betrayed by a parent who is blind at heart level is horrible.  while i didn't have the same experience, i can relate down in my gut.  i feel it.

thank you for sharing this.  your strength has flown off the screen and into me, making me stronger for what i'm going thru.  peace to you, lingurine, peace and love and kindness.  and a big hug.

sounds like a good idea to me, 3 roses.  i truly believe we are the best monitors of how much we can take and when.  sidetracks, detours, even putting on the brakes for a bit are not bad things.  you're keeping yourself safe.

man, those ef's can be a total gritch, can't they?  slowly may be what will help you most right now.  i think you're doing so good with this, 3 roses, i really do.  considering where you were when you were about to begin this therapy, and what you're realizing and facing now - that's an awful lot of progress to my mind.

one of the best trauma therapists i know has his background in gestalt.  i've always liked the idea of looking at the whole picture rather than just the pieces that are out of place.  so far, he sounds like he's been doing a pretty good job, but i'm also glad you're keeping your power as far as what you want to work on or with next.  well done.  big hug.

hey, candid, here's a thought.  how about, instead of working on your mind, you work with your mind.  what i mean is, use the power of your mind to excise those loops of despair, hopelessness, and such by continually pushing at them with positive thoughts about you, your mind, your situation.  i know it's not easy, and it's not necessarily a 'quick fix', but re-wiring is do-able.  it takes commitment and determination, tho.

i know you have both, by what you've been thru, what you've survived, what you continue to do to find a new way for yourself, like those training classes.  it's in you, the ability, of that i have no doubt.  when you're ready, of course.

today i'm feeling uck - i ate real healthy yesterday, fruits and veggies, and my body is protesting, starting last night.  today i'm just drained of energy.  each time this happens, my gut is sore and i feel, well, crappy.   it always feels like a step back. 

i've had a lot of 're-visiting' the last couple of days - letting neg.  thoughts in about the people i've eliminated from my life.  i don't doubt it's cuz i'm safe and am surrounded by peace here, so i bring in something abusive in order to feel more comfortable.  all this air and light, i'm just not used to it yet.  plus, communicating with my bro about my sister stirred it all up again, i think. 

i'm still not at the point, i guess, where just their names don't continue to pack a neg. emotional punch to me.  i don't doubt, either, that with so much change in such a short time, and i'm just now beginning to feel settled here, my emotions are in a whirl.  i can't really pinpoint them, either, which is frustrating.  not all of them.  still working on that.

but today, i just want to rest and let my gut settle.  too much is too much.  i can't tell if i'm healing or not when this happens. 

maybe.  maybe not. 

perhaps, as you continue in recovery, you'll begin diving into those swirling depths and discover the real you, both the strengths and the flaws.  i'm learning that we don't have to be afraid to look at our flaws, that the imperfections are what give us personality and character.

i think robin williams' character in the movie 'good will hunting' said something about that.  i took that to my heart because i was scared to death to be flawed, to be human, to be me.  you are an amazing person, songbird, in your own right rather than simply a reflection of others.  in your own time, your own pace, i hope you are able to realize that as well.  best to you, and a big hug.

eyessoblue, that crying thing is exhausting for sure, and i give you so much credit for doing the work, walking the walk, and going back for more cuz you know it's what needs to be done.

before i knew about any of this, i sensed that i needed to cry, but didn't know how to on my own.  in mexico, i found a healer who would massage my legs.  that was so painful, i burst into sobs.  no one knew what was going on, including me - i just knew that it was what i needed.  i kept going back, kept putting myself thru that pain in order to get those tears out.

i now know that i'm suffering from fibromyalgia, which is why things like even gentle massage would bring me to tears.  however, by continually going back, there has been a tremendous improvement over the years.  i trusted my gut without any intellectual knowledge, and i'm glad i did.  so much poison was released from my body thru those tears.  it sounds like you're doing the same thing.

kudos to you for staying with it.  yes, rest, rest, my dear.  those tears are cleansing you to your very bone.  you can be very proud of yourself.   big hug.

clarity, i'm just glad you had a place to get it out.  no need to apologize - you did nothing wrong.  that's what we're here for - to live and learn.  happy that you're getting so much good from pw's book, too.  yay, you.  big hug.

feel better soon, sweetie.  funny how our bodies will let us know when too much is enough!  that's happened to me more times than i can count.  getting better at taking those breaks before it happens, which is nice.

rest, rest, and more rest, plenty of fluids, all that stuff.  it's the nurturing earth mother in me coming out.   

kizzie makes a good point about the need to understand and treat the underlying cause of the drinking.  AA didn't work for me, either.  the more i understand my recovery, what it means, what issues need to be resolved and how to go about doing that, the farther away any thought of use gets.

i've been sober over 15 yrs this time.  i made it this far once before, and when my marriage and family blew up, i went back to it.  it was no 'slip' as it is often called in some programs.  it was intentional.  i wanted the feeling of being free of all the pain, confusion, and seriousness that was drowning me.

we all have different reasons for numbing our brains with substances.  i've only stopped smoking about 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  cigs were my best friends, altho i quit them about a thousand times.  still, they helped calm me, soothe the anxiety in ways nothing else did.   now, my lungs are weak, and i know that i'd kill them and myself if i smoked again. 

in a healthier state of mind then, about me and my body, my thoughts about what smoking would do to me can override the urge to smoke.  and, believe me, i have that urge most days.  i would love to be able to smoke again.

but, i won't.  i won't use other substances, either.  my recovery is now stronger than those urges.   i believe that as you continue in recovery, it will become stronger for you as well.  your healthy giving (as someone else posted) will extend to giving yourself permission to stay away from the bottle and be with whatever is bothering you.  you'll get there.  i have faith.   big hug, kat.

healthy giving - i love that phrase.  i think it's something to be done not only for others, but for ourselves.   it is healthy giving to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves first, to set appropriate boundaries, to give ourselves time to think about our answer first when asked a question, and to give to ourselves first what it is we need.

beautiful phrase, clarity, and some beautiful insights for you.  good for you.  i've done fawning myself, so i could relate to this a lot.   thanks for posting.  it's good for going on with my day.   big hug.

since i was clueless about what was going on with me (for the most part - when i got pregnant the first time, i only knew i couldn't raise a kid by myself, and my hub was an alcoholic cokehead.  not a good environment for either me or the baby.  i let him talk me out of the abortion because i wanted to believe him that we would work things out.  boy was i wrong.

same with the second marriage and pregnancy.  i thought this time things would be different.  wrong again.  i read all the books, too, but since i didn't realize anything was wrong with me, i just did the best i could.  both my daughters have suffered.  i've apologized to my younger for bringing her into this family.

if i could go back, i wouldn't have children.  it breaks my heart when i think of what mine have gone thru.  i didn't learn about any of this in any concrete way until after they were grown and out of the house.  people like dee and wife2, who know what has gone on and have been determined to do it differently with their kids, for them i have the utmost respect.  they, and i'm sure there are others, are shining examples of how knowledge and determination and real love can make a difference. 

i also respect anyone's decision not to have kids, for whatever reason.  more shining examples of how knowledge, determination, and real love can make a difference.  i salute you all.

thank you, elphainigh and candid for your tireless support.  love it, love you.

the eye doc, after 2 1/2 hrs. of tests and exams said that he couldn't see any evidence of retina detachment.  ticked me off that the last ophtalmologist i saw in march diagnosed that in approx. 10 min., leaving me worried and nervous for my eye for several months.  this guy also said that with such a diagnosis, it should have been fixed immediately, not tell me to get an appt. with my reg. doc 2 mos. down the road.  ticked me off.

i also started crying in the office for all the care the assistant was giving me, tests, exams, etc. that were basically prep stuff, info for the doc.  i cried on realizing how badly i was being cared for down there.  she tried to smooth it over, but i wasn't having any of that.   i had never been in the eye doc's office, incl. any of the eye chart prep stuff for more than 15 min. at most.   that was for more than 4 yrs.

this doc couldn't even say for sure that i have glaucoma!  only that my eye pressure had been elevated to a point where someone else thought to start treatment as if i did.  he did tell me that i have cataracts on both eyes, but that was an age thing.  i'm ok with those.

grrrrr!!! 

i'm so glad i'm out of that place.  there was no chance of me getting better there, and every chance of me getting worse and worse.   the med. profession may have its flaws here (i know, i've heard from lots of people), but having been treated where i was, this is like coming to a sanctuary.  again, so clean, everything up to date and available.  wow, what a difference.  he did want me to see the retina specialist just to make sure, but i'm 99% sure now that there's no problem w/ my retina.  ugh!!!

for some reason, i read kizzie's info on depersonalization, took an online diagnostic that came out saying i was severely depersonalizaed.  i've had questions about dissociation, and the rest of this, but never felt like i dissociated.  this other, however, i could relate to.  wow - i didn't see that coming, but i guess i've had an inkling about it for awhile. 

i think my depersonalization is less than it used to be - i was answering the questions not necessarily in the present, but anytime during my life that i remembered.   it makes sense to me, tho.  i've been told that i live in my own sanmagic world, and i have clung to things that in my mind were true (whether they actually were or not i have no proof) that got me thru some of the rough times - like 30 yrs. worth.    i've told others as if they were true, too.

one more coping mechanism.  you're right, wife2, maybe not always neat and tidy, but they've helped me survive in order to be here today.  i'm grateful to them.   

candid, a little chat on the porch would be great.  i have to tell you, tho, that i don't agree with everything johnivan says, so i'm going to keep going my own way.  i'm feeling better than i was, my system is settling down, my life is much calmer since i moved - those were all things i needed to think about before i was able to move on to this next phase.  i  don't think the brain is a slave to the body; rather, i think they have profound impacts on each other. 

the example i shared about being able to hold one's arm up or not depending on what your mind is thinking shows me that the mind is greater than the body.  and, when i watched 'a beautiful mind', it showed that the mind, what we think, can even be greater than the brain.  i'm once more using my mind to re-wire my brain, working on getting my emotions back, as well as getting my body into a healthier place.  but, if what he believes works for him, i'm glad, and if it works for others as well, i'm glad about that, too.   it's personal and individual, to my mind.

so, i'm clean, my bedding is clean, my clothes are clean today.  it felt good to just do some physical stuff after the stress of yesterday.  yes, i lost my legs for several hours afterwards.  i haven't gone too deeply into the trauma yet, candid, but these next appts. are with the psych. and the doc, so i'm sure i'll begin addressing it there.  meanwhile, forward!

acknowledging and being with your pain is a pos. step, to my mind.  it will pass. 

i also agree with you completely that your anger belongs with them, not with you.  you did nothing wrong.  we can't cope well with what happened to us because we didn't know how.  that's not our fault - we were never taught.  thank heavens we are finally learning.

sorry about your being made fun of by your brother.  it sounds like you had a creative mind even then.   that should have been encouraged rather then put down.   sounds like lots of realizations are coming up for you.  best to you with all this.  big hug.