let the healing begin

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad to see you say the words " I am good".It is a beautiful day here to end the month here as well.

I am sorry the test can't show anything wrong so they can help. Have you mentioned the trauma? I know that is hard but they can look at different symptoms differently if they understand the background.

Good luck at the eye doctor!

[Candid]

Wife#2, that was a beautiful post and a reminder of something very simple: declaring what we want, as opposed to gritting our teeth through what Other People (especially 'professionals') think we should have.

I've just read a terrific post by JohnIvan, http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6626.msg44527#msg44527 and I think it's pertinent to us right now, san.

I'm exhausted with trying to think my way out, so I'm going to work with this and see what happens. I say we meet on the porch in an hour.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, elphainigh and candid for your tireless support.  love it, love you.

the eye doc, after 2 1/2 hrs. of tests and exams said that he couldn't see any evidence of retina detachment.  ticked me off that the last ophtalmologist i saw in march diagnosed that in approx. 10 min., leaving me worried and nervous for my eye for several months.  this guy also said that with such a diagnosis, it should have been fixed immediately, not tell me to get an appt. with my reg. doc 2 mos. down the road.  ticked me off.

i also started crying in the office for all the care the assistant was giving me, tests, exams, etc. that were basically prep stuff, info for the doc.  i cried on realizing how badly i was being cared for down there.  she tried to smooth it over, but i wasn't having any of that.   i had never been in the eye doc's office, incl. any of the eye chart prep stuff for more than 15 min. at most.   that was for more than 4 yrs.

this doc couldn't even say for sure that i have glaucoma!  only that my eye pressure had been elevated to a point where someone else thought to start treatment as if i did.  he did tell me that i have cataracts on both eyes, but that was an age thing.  i'm ok with those.

grrrrr!!! 

i'm so glad i'm out of that place.  there was no chance of me getting better there, and every chance of me getting worse and worse.   the med. profession may have its flaws here (i know, i've heard from lots of people), but having been treated where i was, this is like coming to a sanctuary.  again, so clean, everything up to date and available.  wow, what a difference.  he did want me to see the retina specialist just to make sure, but i'm 99% sure now that there's no problem w/ my retina.  ugh!!!

for some reason, i read kizzie's info on depersonalization, took an online diagnostic that came out saying i was severely depersonalizaed.  i've had questions about dissociation, and the rest of this, but never felt like i dissociated.  this other, however, i could relate to.  wow - i didn't see that coming, but i guess i've had an inkling about it for awhile. 

i think my depersonalization is less than it used to be - i was answering the questions not necessarily in the present, but anytime during my life that i remembered.   it makes sense to me, tho.  i've been told that i live in my own sanmagic world, and i have clung to things that in my mind were true (whether they actually were or not i have no proof) that got me thru some of the rough times - like 30 yrs. worth.    i've told others as if they were true, too.

one more coping mechanism.  you're right, wife2, maybe not always neat and tidy, but they've helped me survive in order to be here today.  i'm grateful to them.   

candid, a little chat on the porch would be great.  i have to tell you, tho, that i don't agree with everything johnivan says, so i'm going to keep going my own way.  i'm feeling better than i was, my system is settling down, my life is much calmer since i moved - those were all things i needed to think about before i was able to move on to this next phase.  i  don't think the brain is a slave to the body; rather, i think they have profound impacts on each other. 

the example i shared about being able to hold one's arm up or not depending on what your mind is thinking shows me that the mind is greater than the body.  and, when i watched 'a beautiful mind', it showed that the mind, what we think, can even be greater than the brain.  i'm once more using my mind to re-wire my brain, working on getting my emotions back, as well as getting my body into a healthier place.  but, if what he believes works for him, i'm glad, and if it works for others as well, i'm glad about that, too.   it's personal and individual, to my mind.

so, i'm clean, my bedding is clean, my clothes are clean today.  it felt good to just do some physical stuff after the stress of yesterday.  yes, i lost my legs for several hours afterwards.  i haven't gone too deeply into the trauma yet, candid, but these next appts. are with the psych. and the doc, so i'm sure i'll begin addressing it there.  meanwhile, forward!

[Candid]

It's good to have your decision to leave Mexico vindicated by, of all things, an appointment with an eye doctor! The outcome was all positive, too. I'm glad they were so caring and happy to take the trouble. I know that really makes a difference.

i  don't think the brain is a slave to the body; rather, i think they have profound impacts on each other. 

I agree. I certainly have a negative feedback loop going on there, but I've tried working on my mind ie. thinking my way out and it hasn't worked. Just keep falling back into helpless and hopeless. I've known for some time that I'm not helping myself by letting my body go; what I need is the motivation to do better on that score. It's a tough one.

if what he believes works for him, i'm glad, and if it works for others as well, i'm glad about that, too.   it's personal and individual, to my mind.

Yes, and that's where our own wisdom comes in. I think we all know what works for us and what doesn't. Whether we follow through is another matter. I see you going to extraordinary lengths to get those ducks in a row, and I salute you!

i haven't gone too deeply into the trauma yet, candid, but these next appts. are with the psych. and the doc, so i'm sure i'll begin addressing it there.

You've got a positive roll going on now. March on!

[sanmagic7]

hey, candid, here's a thought.  how about, instead of working on your mind, you work with your mind.  what i mean is, use the power of your mind to excise those loops of despair, hopelessness, and such by continually pushing at them with positive thoughts about you, your mind, your situation.  i know it's not easy, and it's not necessarily a 'quick fix', but re-wiring is do-able.  it takes commitment and determination, tho.

i know you have both, by what you've been thru, what you've survived, what you continue to do to find a new way for yourself, like those training classes.  it's in you, the ability, of that i have no doubt.  when you're ready, of course.

today i'm feeling uck - i ate real healthy yesterday, fruits and veggies, and my body is protesting, starting last night.  today i'm just drained of energy.  each time this happens, my gut is sore and i feel, well, crappy.   it always feels like a step back. 

i've had a lot of 're-visiting' the last couple of days - letting neg.  thoughts in about the people i've eliminated from my life.  i don't doubt it's cuz i'm safe and am surrounded by peace here, so i bring in something abusive in order to feel more comfortable.  all this air and light, i'm just not used to it yet.  plus, communicating with my bro about my sister stirred it all up again, i think. 

i'm still not at the point, i guess, where just their names don't continue to pack a neg. emotional punch to me.  i don't doubt, either, that with so much change in such a short time, and i'm just now beginning to feel settled here, my emotions are in a whirl.  i can't really pinpoint them, either, which is frustrating.  not all of them.  still working on that.

but today, i just want to rest and let my gut settle.  too much is too much.  i can't tell if i'm healing or not when this happens. 

[Candid]

use the power of your mind to excise those loops of despair, hopelessness, and such by continually pushing at them with positive thoughts about you, your mind, your situation.  i know it's not easy...

I do that in small bursts and feel better, then reality hits and I fall down again. I know I need some outside input (ie. therapy) for rewiring but I've put myself in such a helpless position... The self-recrimination for that is a heavy burden.

i know you have both, by what you've been thru, what you've survived, what you continue to do to find a new way for yourself, like those training classes.  it's in you, the ability, of that i have no doubt.  when you're ready, of course.

Thank you for that. Especially the last part! 

But this is about you. What is it about eating fruit and veg that messes you up? Would persistence make that go away? 

Interesting that NC people are coming back to haunt you. I've no doubt the recent incident with your sibs is what stirred that up. As you know, I've been through similar. Maybe writing letters-not-to-be-sent would make them go away. Or it could be just a matter of time. I'm okay with people who know me talking about my FOO; it's the newchums who ask impertinent questions who throw me off. I don't want to go into details with them :shudder: and usually change the subject as fast as I can, but it leaves my brain whirring and assuming they now see me as peculiar. [[NOTE TO SELF: Who cares how they see me??]]

today, i just want to rest and let my gut settle.  too much is too much.  i can't tell if i'm healing or not when this happens.

I reckon it's usually good policy to assume we're getting better, but you do have to trust your gut pains!

[sanmagic7]

yes, i do trust my gut pains, and i'm continuing to work on this whole eating thing.  i've had this problem from eating fruits and veggies for years.  i don't know why.  i also know that after a while of eating 'healthy', i'll start feeling sick-y, like stress flu (i've heard it called that - flu-like symptoms altho it's not the flu or other 'real' illness at all), and then, if i eat pizza, or burger and fries, i feel much better.  guess i'll have to talk to the doc about that.  it must be something i'm lacking, or my brain is lacking.  it's been a puzzle for years.

today i was able to walk to the store, and later i'll take a shower.  that's pretty much the extent of my 'work' for today, physically.  a little nap soon, then some tennis.  watching tennis is both relaxing and exciting for me. 

i think there's progress here, it just gets difficult to see when i get knocked down physically again.  it's just so frustrating.  and painful.  i'm really getting sick of being in pain.  maybe someday . . .

candid, please don't be hard on yourself.  you did what you thought best at the time with the info you had.  i know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true.  we all have.  we've had enough recrimination from others for not being perfect to last us a lifetime.    here's hoping it doesn't.   

[Lingurine]

Oh Sanmagic, I think fresh cherries and strawberries, mango and melon. The good stuff. Is there a favorite fruit you like? I hear you about the fastfood. It's so comforting sometimes, maybe that's why your body loves it so much, what you need is comfort.

Comfort yourself and maybe let us comfort you. Big hugs and soothing the pain in your body.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

lingurine, altho i'm not fond of mangos, i surely do love fruits of many kinds.  i used to grow grapes and cold-weather kiwis - they're the size of big grapes don't have the fuzzy skin, but taste just like regular kiwis - and i love most berries.   i think i shall bring a bowl of fruits to the porch to have available.  today it'll be strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries, both wild and regular.  yummy!

you may be absolutely on point about the comfort thing.   i've gotten so twisted around, i forget about comfort.  haven't had too much of that, haven't been able to feel it from all of you, altho i know it's there.  why haven't i been able to just let that in?  cuz i'd start bawlin' my eyes out.  they're tearing up right now.  thank you for that. 

i think that i'm able to take the good stuff, like compliments and such, but when i really dig into it, i believe it's just on the surface.  i only let it caress my face, but it rarely makes its way to my heart, where it needs to go.  haven't had enough of that to be comfortable with it.  wow, you really hit a note with this for me.  who has ever comforted me in my life?

my hub has done a little of it at times.  most of the rest of my life it has been independent me all the time.  my daughter tells me reassuring things, like 'we'll figure this out', which is comforting.  the 'we' is comforting, to know that i don't have to do this myself, she's willing to help, and she has.  i just don't remember anyone simply gathering me in when they've seen me in distress.  ok, i'm crying full bore now.

to be comforted.  i don't really know what that feels like.  this must be my little me crying for this.  she was ridiculed for crying by my dad, not shown kindness or concern.  well, by that time it was already too late.  my feelings were already beyond my reach.  i wouldn't have known what to say.

i don't know what to say now. 

and, candid, i wanted to ignore what you were suggesting, deny it, but finally, today, the emotions presented themselves about the whole brother thing.  more pain, more sadness, more anger.  lots of sad, tears, pounding the bed, and lovely cuss words.  that did feel good.  it's taken nearly a month for me to be able to feel and express these feelings.  this whole thing started when i was still living with my daughter, and she told me that he had talked to my sis about me. 

i was disturbed, but didn't have a handle on the emotions running around.  i could feel a bit of anger, but not very much, and not very much of anything else.  just a disturbance.  dang, i wish i could find a t to help me with this.  it's too big for me to do it by myself.  there's so much yet.  so very much.  time to go kill some zombies.  thanks for the realizations, everyone. 

[Candid]

i just don't remember anyone simply gathering me in when they've seen me in distress.  ok, i'm crying full bore now.

I'm gathering you in now, san, and we're both crying full bore, knowing how much better we'll feel afterwards with our hearts wide open.

finally, today, the emotions presented themselves about the whole brother thing.  more pain, more sadness, more anger.  lots of sad, tears, pounding the bed, and lovely cuss words.  that did feel good. 

That's how it works. Damn, I need to do some releasing like that myself!

i wish i could find a t to help me with this.  it's too big for me to do it by myself.  there's so much yet.  so very much.

Next Monday I go back to the MH place for intake to 12 weeks one-on-one support. I gather it's about goal-setting and being coached, which feels dreadfully premature to me. I can only go along and see what happens. And, with my certificate from that training course, I'm expected to be a peer supporter at the same time. But isn't that exactly what we do here?

I'm sure there will be time for me... eventually.

Re. the good foods = intestinal distress, I wonder if that's because toxic build-up starts moving around?

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry san, I'm not even really capable of more than skimming your posts atm but I am sending you  And am especially grateful that you took the time to answer my "I'm sick" post. Especially since you probably feel worse than that every single day. Maybe you heard the inner child in it?

Anyway, we should definitely add a big bowl of fruit to the porch. I can even add redcurrants and blackcurrants from the garden. My raspberries are still green unfortunately, and my strawberries minute. At the other end we can have a bowl of chicken noodle soup for people like me. Since we're out on the porch I can be out there too with you all, I'll just lean over the edge to cough.

[sanmagic7]

looooove currants!  thanks for that contribution, blueberry.

letting these things into my heart, opening my heart to the goodness and caring i've received here.   i must be super protective of my heart - it's been so shredded over the years by my daughter and her father.  that statement brings tears to my eyes.  if i look at it, it's in rags, bleeding still.  not enough time for it to heal even yet. 

but, i also know that this concern and caring i've found here will help to heal it.  i'm starving for it, i know that.  i'm scared to let the good stuff in.  ok, that was an emotion i was able to express.  progress.  i don't know why yet.

i found an article that connects alexithymia with fibromyalgia and intestinal troubles.  i'm going to do some highlighting and bring it to my next doc/psych appts.  this helps clear up some of the mystery, reaffirms what i've suspected - that so much of what's going on with me physically is related to the trauma, to my inability to get the energy from all those neg. emotions out of it.

this alexithymia is beginning to play a bigger role than i ever imagined. 

thanks, candid and blueberry, for your ongoing support, your caring, your concern.  i know there are others, too.  i hope to be able to begin bringing it in a little deeper as we continue moving through all this.  poco a poco, as we said in mexico - little by little.   love to everyone.

extra thought - i see the words, see the images of hugs, know what they mean.  i can't feel them yet.  alexithymia is in the way.  i'll keep pushing at it, working to re-wire whatever can be re-wired.   i want to feel all this good stuff from all of you.  it ticks me off that i can't!

[Elphanigh]

Good morning dear Sanmagic, I would love to be able to read everything I have missed. However, I must admit my own exhaustion from my trip and everything that has happened around it. I have read as much as I can and want to send all the hugs and love your way 

Even if you can't fully feel them yet, I will always send them to help you reach that point. I am proud of all the work you are doing to help your doctors understand what is going on so you can get to feeling better. I truly do hope they can help. Currants are great, and I hope they are useful.

Best of luck to you my friend. Just remember we can go sit on Wife#2's porch whenever you need it. I am here for you best I can be 

[sanmagic7]

elphanigh, i thought about you gathering me in before i fell asleep, thought about how few times that's ever happened.  maybe it's cuz i've always been the strong one, wouldn't let the pain or longing or whatever vulnerability was there be seen.   i loved that you said that, did that for me.  it's something i won't forget.

i'm going to the porch right now.  time for a break, time to be with people who care and really do have my best interests at heart.  thanks so much to everyone.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you could think of that. I am sorry it has happened so few times, but I understand. I too am usually the strong  one, who doesn't let the vulnerability be seen. You have been strong for so very long, I can see it in your words and how you treat me. I will gladly be hear to help you and take you in. You deserve it, and I want to be a part of your healing the best I can from here. Lots of love always 

I will also come join you on the porch tonight. I think we could both use a peaceful night