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wonderful news, so very happy for you.  i think you'll find, as you get accustomed to more peace and calmness of mind and spirit, it will become easier for you to allow that guilt to slide off into the puddle of goo from whence it came.  yay!!!

  right back atcha!  the proof is in the pudding.  sounds like your mind and body have given you feedback on your decision.  yay for you, blueberry!

 

parenting is so hard - co-parenting is so harder.  maybe you are going too fast, delving into things too quickly and intensely.  maybe it's time for some time for you - truthfully, i'm glad you backed out of that drama.  dad has some responsibility here, too.

referee is a sucky role to play in a family.  that kid is an adult now - he deserves to be treated like one, which means dealing with other adults (like his dad) on an adult level, having adult responsibilities around the house, etc.  i started my girls doing their own laundry when they were 13 - it was their rite of passage, of sorts.  they were used to tossing their clothes around when they were dirty, not putting them away when they were clean, so i let them be responsible for how they wanted to look.  it worked out well, and i was always there if they had questions.

you've got plenty to do with working full time, and being such a caring mom to your youngest boy and a good partner to your hub.  maybe that's enough for now. 

my heart is with you, wife2.  always.

i like joyful's suggestion - a possible quick fix for the moment just so you can do what you need to do for work.  it can be so difficult to make these things stop when we need to be doing other things.  writing has always helped me.  best to you with this, texannurse. 

i was great at crying for everything and everyone else, including tv and movies, and it's only been recently that i figured out that my tears were misplaced.  i was crying for all that i had missed or had lost in my own life.

i think it's part of our process, and as we continue in recovery, the light will dawn and we will know.  i agree not to force it.  i've also heard that anger and/or laughter can be a way to cover up our tears.  so, i believe they're in there.  they need time.  i'm not so sure about the rust metaphor, either.  i wouldn't worry about that.

we all come to the reality of our emotions in different ways and at different times.  yours will be there when you're ready.  best to you with this.  big hug!

hey, jb,

great song, one of my favorites.  welcome, so glad you decided to join us. 

i'm also on the verge of leaving my husband (for different reasons) and have found so much kindness and support here as i've wrestled with this decision.  i'm nearly 70, so it's not one i've taken lightly.

i hope you find the support you need, too.  i've never been involved with  a better group of people  whom i've never met.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  we're with you.

what a great step you took in being able to admit that you're not as strong as you've put on you were.  i remember many times, am going thru one right now.  it is soooo very tiring, and it feels good to just be human for a change.  your are truly courageous.

as far as your mother, honestly, she is not your responsibility.  we all have to be the ones to extricate ourselves from our own personal hades no matter what is going on around us.  we run for our lives in order to survive.  that is the only way that we can ever be any good for or to anyone else.

when i ran, i left my daughter who was only 17 at the time.  i stayed in town for 3 yrs., then ran here to mexico.  she and i have been able to reconcile and our bond, friendship, and relationship is stronger than ever, and i'm now in a position to help her.  at the time, if i would've stayed, i'd be dead, and then there would've been nothing i could do for her in any way, shape, or form.  i hate to think what might've happened to her.

so, yes, when it comes to taking care of ourselves, i believe it's imperative to be self-ish, as in self-caring above all else.  there may come a time when you'll be able to help your mom, but not till you're safe and stable for yourself.  i wish you the best with this - it's a tough one.  one of the toughest.  we do need to allow the adults in our lives live their lives as they see best, even if only for a little while.  you'll get to where you need to be, of that i have no doubt.   

by the by, i've never been officially diagnosed with c-ptsd.  many of us here haven't.  but we know.

it sounds like you have a beautiful new family to be focused on, besides yourself.  who needs the others, indeed!  congrats on making it a year, congrats on your marriage, and congrats on your new babies.  may you all love and enjoy each other unconditionally!  you brought a smile to my heart, glowcloud.  thank you.

slow river, if it hurt you, if you have repercussions to deal with because of the way your were treated, or if you feel you need to excuse or compare what happened to you, i'd say it was abuse.  people who are treated lovingly, kindly, and carefully, are accepted as they are without expectations, and were taught how to have personal boundaries, which were then respected would never be confused about what they were treated like compared to how others were treated, would never question if such wonderful parenting was right or wrong,.  they learn how to accept and love themselves and grow up to have healthy relationships, both with themselves and with others.

that's my take on all this.  it ticks me off that we have had to be the ones walking around in a confused state, not knowing ourselves what abuse looks like, when it really should be so plain.  it's part of the horror of this beast called c-ptsd.  big hug to you.

to me, god is love, no more, no less.  i get strength, courage, acceptance, and kindness from love.  i left the god of religion a long time ago.  didn't do a thing for me, neither positively nor negatively.

if i feel i'm being watched, it's by people around me who want to judge and be critical.  waiting for me to make a mistake (the perfectionist in me).  but i never attributed that to god.  i eventually found my way to a safe and secure spirituality which serves me in the ways i need.  it may not be for anyone else because it's completely personal. 

i truly hope you find your way to and with your own concept of god.  i've never been more connected to a spiritual base than when i redefined this for myself.  best to you, sweetie.  it can be a tough ask.

blueberry, if i may jump in here.  i agree with candid.  making contact only sets us up to be hurt, no matter what we might say.

i have spent many, many months obsessing on wanting to tell my ex off, expose him for what he truly is to all those people who think he's so wonderful, and generally say everything to him and everyone else that i've held back in the past.  same with my narc therapist and daughter.  i came to the conclusion after gathering info from here and other places, that my obsession with that is just another way i hurt myself because of them.

van der kolk calls it 'revisiting'.  others have called it letting those people live rent-free in your head.  whatever one wants to call it, continuing to stay connected to those people through our thoughts and feelings, or thru some sort of communication is a way that we continue the abuse they have begun. 

these people play a game, and it is one we can't win, because they're the ones who are in control of it, and will continue to change the rules without our knowing.  we can never get the satisfaction or contentment we so long for because they are always keeping us on edge.  just like you writing a letter and wondering if it's ok to send.  you're the one suffering with it, not any of them.

our best recourse is to turn our focus onto ourselves and our recovery.  you may need to write all that anger out (i've had anger journals for various people in my lives that was nothing but filled with every hateful, hurtful, terrible thing i could think of toward them.  when i filled the notebook, i immediately walked out to the trash outdoors.  it was toxic venom i'd gotten out of myself toward them, and i didn't need it dirtying up my home.), focusing on the people with whom you're angry so as to get it out of you.  physical expressions can be helpful, like beating your bed.  i've even broken things that were connected to various people - that felt especially good!

i've noticed for myself, that the very horrendous hatred i had toward my ex has diminished over time, and is going into more neutral territory.  same with everyone else.  continued work while being nc has helped me get to the point where i'm not letting them overrun my mind as much any more.  that is truly a relief.

my best to you with this, blueberry.  it's not easy, to say the least.  with time, patience with yourself, and focused energy away from them, you'll get a modicum of relief.  it can be disturbing, make you feel uneasy at times, but i do believe that with practice it will become easier.  it did for me.   i don't need to be hurt anymore, period, not by thoughts, words, or deeds.  big hug to you. 

that's what i've seen as well.  i don't know how tuned into c-ptsd this is.  like emdr was first created and utilized on vets with ptsd, so it was more centered on the single trauma.  i'm guessing (only a guess, tho) that pc is focused the same way.  i don't know how it would work for multiple layers of trauma.   sorry i can't be of more help with this.  it's only a few years old, and i've been out of that loop.

candid, you posted just as i was.  you're right, my decisions must be step by step now.  today my bank acct. will be closed.  that's the next step.  after that, i have a doc appt. (reg. monthly to get my meds), and then the paperwork merry-go-round, and then the eye doc.  that's enough to focus on for now.  thanks for keeping me grounded.  you're a peach!  big hug right back atcha, with love attached!

wife2, you darling, darling woman!  you crack me up.  planting seeds - i don't even know what a 'gofundme' is.  i'm not involved in social media at all,  but, let me tell you, you brought a smile to my morning just reading it!  ninja mask, indeed!  and thank you for all the kind, wonderful words and thoughts.  they are so appreciated. 

for me right now, this is a time to be gotten through as best i can.  i'm gonna be messy, nervous, eating too much, and i don't have much brain for writing or even helping out others on the forum right now.  i'll survive it and the time will come when i can settle myself and find a new kind of normalcy.  for now, mucking through the yuck is the best i can do.   

i think i've started longing for a return to the states about a year ago, and i thought it was an age thing.  i began missing things up there so very much, more than i can remember since moving here.  i hope i'm not using this situation with my hub as an excuse to bail.  i don't think so.  i like to think that as i've grown in recovery, my boundaries, wishes and wants for myself are simply healthier, and my hub has just not wanted to do the work for our relationship.

my getting well, instead of staying sick, has been not only for me but for us.   i wanted to be a better partner, not just this sick old thing moaning and groaning all the time, becoming more and more helpless.  i've had to do a lot of hard work to accomplish that.  he, on the other hand, any time there has been an issue to be looked at in his own life, has shied away, found excuses, or told me that's not how he does things. 

so, to my mind, we've now grown apart, and that's not where i want to be or how i want to live.  it's stunting in a relationship.  at least it is to mine.    maybe that's the bottom line, and this incident just brought it all home about how much he hasn't taken furthering this relationship to heart.  i'm not one to stagnate.  i like movement - even when the air here is still, i can't stand it.  it's disturbing to me.

so, onward!

and, thanks 3 roses, for being in my corner as always, a wonderful cheerleader who's been with me from the very beginning.    love you both!

sorry, candid, i don't have more info.  i've heard of it thru the emdr network of which i'm a member, looked it up online.  there's just a bit of info there that i found, but not enough to know how to do it.  i do know, however, that there is training to be done in order to become proficient, and it's only available to therapists.  just like with emdr.  no, i wouldn't advise anyone to do either on their own.   that would be something to discuss with their therapist.