Messages

kizzie makes a good point about the need to understand and treat the underlying cause of the drinking.  AA didn't work for me, either.  the more i understand my recovery, what it means, what issues need to be resolved and how to go about doing that, the farther away any thought of use gets.

i've been sober over 15 yrs this time.  i made it this far once before, and when my marriage and family blew up, i went back to it.  it was no 'slip' as it is often called in some programs.  it was intentional.  i wanted the feeling of being free of all the pain, confusion, and seriousness that was drowning me.

we all have different reasons for numbing our brains with substances.  i've only stopped smoking about 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  cigs were my best friends, altho i quit them about a thousand times.  still, they helped calm me, soothe the anxiety in ways nothing else did.   now, my lungs are weak, and i know that i'd kill them and myself if i smoked again. 

in a healthier state of mind then, about me and my body, my thoughts about what smoking would do to me can override the urge to smoke.  and, believe me, i have that urge most days.  i would love to be able to smoke again.

but, i won't.  i won't use other substances, either.  my recovery is now stronger than those urges.   i believe that as you continue in recovery, it will become stronger for you as well.  your healthy giving (as someone else posted) will extend to giving yourself permission to stay away from the bottle and be with whatever is bothering you.  you'll get there.  i have faith.   big hug, kat.

healthy giving - i love that phrase.  i think it's something to be done not only for others, but for ourselves.   it is healthy giving to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves first, to set appropriate boundaries, to give ourselves time to think about our answer first when asked a question, and to give to ourselves first what it is we need.

beautiful phrase, clarity, and some beautiful insights for you.  good for you.  i've done fawning myself, so i could relate to this a lot.   thanks for posting.  it's good for going on with my day.   big hug.

since i was clueless about what was going on with me (for the most part - when i got pregnant the first time, i only knew i couldn't raise a kid by myself, and my hub was an alcoholic cokehead.  not a good environment for either me or the baby.  i let him talk me out of the abortion because i wanted to believe him that we would work things out.  boy was i wrong.

same with the second marriage and pregnancy.  i thought this time things would be different.  wrong again.  i read all the books, too, but since i didn't realize anything was wrong with me, i just did the best i could.  both my daughters have suffered.  i've apologized to my younger for bringing her into this family.

if i could go back, i wouldn't have children.  it breaks my heart when i think of what mine have gone thru.  i didn't learn about any of this in any concrete way until after they were grown and out of the house.  people like dee and wife2, who know what has gone on and have been determined to do it differently with their kids, for them i have the utmost respect.  they, and i'm sure there are others, are shining examples of how knowledge and determination and real love can make a difference. 

i also respect anyone's decision not to have kids, for whatever reason.  more shining examples of how knowledge, determination, and real love can make a difference.  i salute you all.

thank you, elphainigh and candid for your tireless support.  love it, love you.

the eye doc, after 2 1/2 hrs. of tests and exams said that he couldn't see any evidence of retina detachment.  ticked me off that the last ophtalmologist i saw in march diagnosed that in approx. 10 min., leaving me worried and nervous for my eye for several months.  this guy also said that with such a diagnosis, it should have been fixed immediately, not tell me to get an appt. with my reg. doc 2 mos. down the road.  ticked me off.

i also started crying in the office for all the care the assistant was giving me, tests, exams, etc. that were basically prep stuff, info for the doc.  i cried on realizing how badly i was being cared for down there.  she tried to smooth it over, but i wasn't having any of that.   i had never been in the eye doc's office, incl. any of the eye chart prep stuff for more than 15 min. at most.   that was for more than 4 yrs.

this doc couldn't even say for sure that i have glaucoma!  only that my eye pressure had been elevated to a point where someone else thought to start treatment as if i did.  he did tell me that i have cataracts on both eyes, but that was an age thing.  i'm ok with those.

grrrrr!!! 

i'm so glad i'm out of that place.  there was no chance of me getting better there, and every chance of me getting worse and worse.   the med. profession may have its flaws here (i know, i've heard from lots of people), but having been treated where i was, this is like coming to a sanctuary.  again, so clean, everything up to date and available.  wow, what a difference.  he did want me to see the retina specialist just to make sure, but i'm 99% sure now that there's no problem w/ my retina.  ugh!!!

for some reason, i read kizzie's info on depersonalization, took an online diagnostic that came out saying i was severely depersonalizaed.  i've had questions about dissociation, and the rest of this, but never felt like i dissociated.  this other, however, i could relate to.  wow - i didn't see that coming, but i guess i've had an inkling about it for awhile. 

i think my depersonalization is less than it used to be - i was answering the questions not necessarily in the present, but anytime during my life that i remembered.   it makes sense to me, tho.  i've been told that i live in my own sanmagic world, and i have clung to things that in my mind were true (whether they actually were or not i have no proof) that got me thru some of the rough times - like 30 yrs. worth.    i've told others as if they were true, too.

one more coping mechanism.  you're right, wife2, maybe not always neat and tidy, but they've helped me survive in order to be here today.  i'm grateful to them.   

candid, a little chat on the porch would be great.  i have to tell you, tho, that i don't agree with everything johnivan says, so i'm going to keep going my own way.  i'm feeling better than i was, my system is settling down, my life is much calmer since i moved - those were all things i needed to think about before i was able to move on to this next phase.  i  don't think the brain is a slave to the body; rather, i think they have profound impacts on each other. 

the example i shared about being able to hold one's arm up or not depending on what your mind is thinking shows me that the mind is greater than the body.  and, when i watched 'a beautiful mind', it showed that the mind, what we think, can even be greater than the brain.  i'm once more using my mind to re-wire my brain, working on getting my emotions back, as well as getting my body into a healthier place.  but, if what he believes works for him, i'm glad, and if it works for others as well, i'm glad about that, too.   it's personal and individual, to my mind.

so, i'm clean, my bedding is clean, my clothes are clean today.  it felt good to just do some physical stuff after the stress of yesterday.  yes, i lost my legs for several hours afterwards.  i haven't gone too deeply into the trauma yet, candid, but these next appts. are with the psych. and the doc, so i'm sure i'll begin addressing it there.  meanwhile, forward!

acknowledging and being with your pain is a pos. step, to my mind.  it will pass. 

i also agree with you completely that your anger belongs with them, not with you.  you did nothing wrong.  we can't cope well with what happened to us because we didn't know how.  that's not our fault - we were never taught.  thank heavens we are finally learning.

sorry about your being made fun of by your brother.  it sounds like you had a creative mind even then.   that should have been encouraged rather then put down.   sounds like lots of realizations are coming up for you.  best to you with all this.  big hug.

o, sweetie, i'm sorry doesn't quite cover it, but i really am.  to lose someone who represented something so powerfully positive is a profound loss.  i'm glad you're feeling better today.  i believe he will always be with you, if that's any comfort.  big hug to you,

candid and wife2, my darling sisters.  you two are part of my true family of the heart.  my bro, well, he can kiss my sweet, awww, you know what!  i just don't need it or him.  it's not like we have family get-togethers or anything.  i haven't seen him in 10 yrs.  so, that foo thing is pretty much out the window.  it's ok.  just another loss.

as far as being busy, i'm not a mover type person.  typing here is a way of being busy for me.  playing computer games.  my brain running in circles.  that kind of thing.  i can sit in her chair for an hour and be still physically, but my brain and probably my mouth will be working overtime.  we'll see.

got the results of most of my tests.  the ones that i could understand show, basically, nothing wrong with me.  the adrenal tests are differently done than they were in mexico, so i don't know what they mean.  the only thing i saw is that both hormones were at lower levels than they were when done in mexico.  so, that's still up in the air.

otherwise, right now it looks like the same old thing - tests come out fine, don't know why you feel crummy.  shrug shoulders.  again, working on putting this in its own compartment for the nonce (love that word).   but, it does look like my liver and kidneys are ok, so that's good.

and, i didn't pop a pill yesterday, just rode the anxiety out.  i was kinda proud of myself for that. 

i'm now waiting for my daughter who's going to take me to the eye doc.  i'm glad that's going to get started so quickly.  i do worry about my eyes.  it's a lovely day today, the end of june, and the year is once again flying by.  my hub will call tonite to see how the eye doc went.  i am good.

trying to fix any of this with knowledge, no, that won't work.  doing something different, taking different actions than we have experienced in the past, is, i believe, what we can do to change those horrible mental message.

i've gotten sidetracked on re-wiring my brain, but i began again last night.  i'm talking to it like it's my child to care for, telling it that it's not its fault it sends out neg. messages to my mind and body, it was taught incorrectly, and together we'll re-teach it in order to have some peace and health.

i'm with dee on this.  i do believe that the more positive, healthy messages we send to our brain, the less room will remain for the neg., unhealthy ones.  it'll take time, i know, but i believe it's do-able.  i have faith,

welcome, bohemian, so glad you made it here.

i'm another one who has kept busy in order to avoid thoughts and feelings.  busy physically or mentally - somehow i was always working.

i'm glad you've found music as something positive for your life.  it's a good thing.  hope to see more of you here. 

i agree with you that it is your parents' shaming that you feel.  we are born without shame about our bodies, about exploring them, touching them, enjoying them.  somewhere around 9 or 10, we find a natural modesty that encourages us to have some privacy about our bodies.  it's natural, part of the process of growing up human.

it's also a time when hormones may be beginning to peek our their inquisitive little heads and wonder what it's all about.  there is nothing shameful about that, and deserves to be handled with kindness and understanding by our parents.   the fact that they did not handle it that way with you is what's disgusting.  that's what is shameful.

they put their own disgust and shame on you when you were too young to push it off, so you carried it with you into your adulthood as if it were your own.  either refusing sexual urges by burying them, or flaunting them is not the natural sexual piece of you.  it is in there, under their disgust and shame.  unfortunately, they may have done such a good job of piling it on that it may take help to unload such a burden.

i am sorry you went through that, and are still going through it.  you have nothing to be ashamed of, nor disgusted by, regarding yourself and sex.  shame only grows in the dark - it's when we expose what we believe to be shameful to the light that it withers and dies.  i do truly hope that someday you'll be able to get the help you need so that you don't have to continue like this.  best to you, and here's a hug if you want it.   

thanks, elphanigh and blueberry, for your validation and support.  i haven't heard from my brother, and it's been several days, so i don't expect that i will.  there's nothing he can say, unless he didn't tell her, but i think, if that were true, i would've heard from him by now.

on with the medical stuff.  i'm getting notices of my lab test results.  both the adrenal hormones came back, and both are now lower than what they were when tested in mexico.  i don't know what it means, yet, won't find out till the 14th. 

yesterday, i was looking thru the med. history in this online chart they correspond with (this is all new to me!), and i noticed that the doc had me down as having ptsd.  well, i jumped on that, sent a message to my doc, then simply poured out my heart about how i've suffered at the hands of docs and therapists, and that i need help, need to have her look at every contingency.  i felt extremely vulnerable in doing this, not only in giving some of my history, but in pleading for help.  i even mentioned i was desperate.

it turns out the message was taken by an assistant who wrote back blah blah blah, so sorry, this is a space for simple questions, i'll give the doc your message so she can update your history.    an ice cube would have been warmer.  now i've got info on c-ptsd printed out to give to both the doc and the therapist, cuz i don't doubt that they're both clueless, but i do doubt that they aren't the explorer type who go off the beaten path and discover black swans.

it feels like it's gonna be another frickin' battle, i don't know.  it was spirit-sapping.  i'm sposed to see this behavioral psychologist for stress management.  well, i looked it up.  i do several of the things suggested, but they're stressful to me because they cause me pain.  i do them cuz they're supposed to be good for me, like massage, but it hurts too much to be relaxing.

i started doubting myself again.  what if, once more, all the tests come back neg., there's nothing wrong with me, they'll shrug shoulders, say i don't know - this has happened so many times in my life, i've lost count.  then, one of the articles i printed out was by van der kolk, and he restored my faith again.  there is something very unwell (not wrong) going on inside me, and it originates in my brain (i did include that in my message to my doc, that i believe there's brain damage due to layers of trauma).

my appt. isn't for 2 weeks.  i don't know how to keep my undies out of a bundle until then.  focus on the now - i just read that in someone's journal.  it's just that when i begin to focus, my brain starts running around all over the place.  i focus on breathing, breathe in, breathe out, over and over and suddenly i've had several minutes of thinking of something completely off the wall.  don't know how i got there, don't know when i stopped focusing on my breathing.  i just catch my mind in this new place, haul it back to my breathing, and inevitably, the same thing happens.  this has been going on for more than a year.

i know, wife2, breathe, but i tell ya, my mind just runs off with a mind of its own.  i think 3 roses mentioned that i was a 'flight' person, always busy.  that's probably what's going on here, but it's frustrating.  and, how do i explain this to the t who's going to be telling me to be still and relax?  frickin' battles, man.  they just won't stop.

i'm jumping the gun, i know.  it's just that it already feels like the same old thing is waiting around the corner.  wonder why i'm so fatigued?  my brain doesn't stop working!  time to live better through chemistry, slow that mother down.  my chest is pounding just writing/thinking about this.  should be a fun 2 weeks. 

i love that you're thinking of doing that speed dating thing.  i've seen the concept on tv, and it always looked interesting to me.  if you do it, i hope you let us know how it went.

big yay! for you for all that self-care and just enjoying being taken care of by others.  i never had a masseuse do that about the pain - i think i'd like that. 

keep going - i think you're doing swell.  big hug!

hey, berceuse,

can i say something here?  i don't believe you are a masochist, i don't believe any of us are.  i do believe that we've gotten so used to pain that we can feel uncomfortable when it's not there.   maybe, subconsciously, we might at times, seek for something that will bring us pain because that's what feels normal.  but i don't believe we like pain. 

i once heard that the definition of a masochist is someone who thinks it's ok to be in pain, a sadist is someone who thinks it's ok to inflict pain on another.  that turned my mind around a little about those two terms cuz it did make sense to me.   if we go back to our beginning, babies don't like pain, and they don't think it's ok to be in pain.  they let someone know loud and clear when they're in pain. 

unfortunately for too many of us, that natural instinct against pain has been taught, threatened, or punished out of us.   we don't like it - we never did.   going back to a baby's reactions for what is normal and/or instinctual in humans has helped me a lot with these kinds of situations, including with emotions and boundaries.  babies know and they don't hesitate to speak their piece.  those are our natural reactions which have been buried.

i wonder if that big frozen thing is underlying fear, anxiety, or lack of self-worth for your new job, new surroundings, doing something you enjoy, not being isolated, meeting new people - all the things that go along with regularly being present in a pub atmosphere.  i would imagine it doesn't feel good at all.  hopefully, as you get used to being there and being more comfortable with being in that 'now', the big frozen thing will begin to melt.

the power of now is really a wonderful concept, one i want to be more invested in.  i live too much in the future or past, and just don't pay attention to now very much, unless i'm uncomfortable.  then, nothing else matters.  not a very healing way to live, i don't think.  and, if this is starting over, i do believe that i need to focus more on the now as well.  thanks for sharing that, berceuse.

sounds like you're a little stuck on the anger thing.  would it help if you wrote about it?  just simple sentences, like 'i'm angry at _____________ for ________________'.  then do it again and again, just to see what  name/person comes up each time and why you feel anger toward them.  i don't know if that's the same as blaming.  rather, i see it as simply putting that anger where it belongs.    that just came to my mind because writing things out has always helped me. 

be very careful not to stop yourself if a name or person comes to your mind.  whatever comes to mind is real, or it wouldn't be there.  just write it down, get it out.  you can think about it later.  i don't know if that would help you.  writing isn't for everybody.  but, maybe it would.

i think you're doing well with everything, my dear.  starting over takes time and energy, because it involves new ways of thinking, new perspectives, and new perceptions.  best with all of this.  big hug.

well, may i jump in on this touch therapy wagon?  i hug people as often as possible - that's how i get my touch.  once a woman came up to me in the store, said that she loved what i was wearing, and i just blurted out 'i love you!' and gave her a big hug.  she looked a little surprised, but hugged me back.   that's a fun memory for me.

i hope it doesn't take long before either of you get some touch on a regular basis into your lives.  cyber hugs are all i can offer to you here, but big ones for both of you.

i hear ya on the painful part, writetolife,  it can definitely be a gritch that tears at you, not in a damaging way, but it does hurt.  i don't know why that is sometimes, having such things as realizations hurt so much.  it's like it hurts more to remember than the actual fact when it was happening.  maybe that was our protective shields at the time, preventing us from going under.

like you said, starting to feel safe and those thoughts begin to intrude.  i think sometimes it might be that we've been able to slow down enough for them to catch up to us.  we've been running from them for so long in so many ways, that when we are able to finally slow down or stop for a minute, they pile up against us at last. 

whatever it is, i've had the same kind of thing happen.    it can feel overwhelming at times, and i want to process all of it at once, get it over and done with.  i've been told that's the time to go slow, pace myself.  sometimes that's the hardest part of all, especially when it gets muddled together with the now.  i'm just glad they're beginning to slow up a bit for you.    big hug!