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phoebes, we don't all have families.  maybe it seems that way at times looking at others as they're walking in the mall or something, but it's really not true.  i've given up so much family over the years, both foo and the ones that i created.  it's heartbreaking, really, but they were killing me.

my daughter and ex have been in therapy for about 30 yrs., each, and they still refused to do the work, to be honest about their issues, to break through and admit to the awfulness of what they'd perpetrated upon me.  some people are just too damaged and will never 'get' it.  they simply may not be capable of it, for whatever reason.

personally, i'm glad for you that you have made it through, that you are walking the walk, and that you were able to love yourself enough to let go of the poison those people were feeding you.  i know it's sad - it broke my heart to go nc with my firstborn daughter, and i wish it could be otherwise - but i have other people in my life who care about me (my other daughter and my hub) and it was hurting them, too, to watch me get emotionally beaten every time i turned around.

it's very sad that we can't have the families we wanted.  i share in your grief.   big hug.

you are so beautiful!

exactamundo, blueberry!   big hug!

phoebes, i completely agree with you.  those feelings are relevant and real and deserve to be let out, no matter what we'd been told about them.  i've had similar experience as you - i thought the hate would last forever, but acknowledging it, voicing it, writing it, accepting it, just being with it and eventually it has diminished or just neutralized.

and, as you said, it does come up every so often, but it doesn't linger, doesn't have the same bite.  i think what i'm learning is that, like with my physical pain, accepting it as it is instead of judging it or myself allows it to be for a bit, then it doesn't have to anymore.  holding this stuff back, berating ourselves (neg. messages to our brains/minds) does nothing but allow it to continue.  i'm convinced that in letting it out, letting it be, it will dissipate on its own.  this crapola cannot live long in the light.

o   wife2, you darling soul.  thanks for all the validation and encouragement.  congrats to your sister.   so happy someone found her way out and was able to rise above.  that's the best.

i agree, it's been important for me to get the poison out at times, but it's also important for me to not continue to revisit it.  i can lay in that pile of toxic waste forever!  or, i can decide to continue to push it aside and move on from it with these positive declarations.  i've been telling my brain repeatedly that these pain messages it's sending out are glitches, mistaken messages, and continue on.

hippie mumbo jumbo?!  we hippies knew a thing or two in our time that has gotten lost along the way.  look at all the chinese wisdom and medicine that's been around forever, and people are finally finding out that it's not a bunch of phooey.  if only more people had ascribed to the hippie mantra of 'make love, not war' - what a different world it might be.

i cringe when i watch the commercials for all these meds now that have been created to treat the awful side effects of the original meds given to people.  opioid-induced constipation, indeed!  these opioid painkillers are rendering a heroin comeback of epic proportions!   

no, i'm feeling better and better about the route i've decided to take.  healthier is certainly acceptable at this age.  i'll take it.  already, i'm finding more time/energy to focus on doing what's better for me, and that's having pos. results as well.   laughing out loud at silly sitcoms is good for me, so i do that as much as possible.  more mindful breathing, gentle trauma-based yoga are all sending healthier messages to my brain. 

when i think of it, the alexithymia may have actually saved me from being worse than i am.  since i didn't really have an ic to contend with, i wasn't putting myself down very much along the way but rather excusing my foibles and imperfections.  i think it kept me safer, in some ways, than i've given it credit for.

all these realizations are like putting the pieces together, and the support i've gotten here has been the glue that keeps them together, making a wholeness out of myself that was missing before.  all you lovely people are helping me get healthier in ways you may have never thought relevant.    it all counts, you all count.  thank you, god.  feeling stronger, revival of the spirit.  this shiiiiit works!!!

relief away, my dear.  we're here with you.    back atcha.

one of the things that has helped me a bit with this is to 'reverse it'.  i would think about how i felt when i helped someone or did something for them, then reversed it to see that others would feel the same.  people who do for others tend to do so because it helps make them feel good, too.  rather than being a burden, aren't we allowing them some good feelings, really, in doing something for us?  i'd like to think so.

thanks, dsu.  that emergency room is in the city where she lives and practices.  we have a small one here in town, but not very well equipped.  and thank you for your vote of confidence and validation of what i'm doing.  i count on all of you to tell me honestly what you think. 

my system is so sensitive to these chemical additives, i've got to honor its messages above what docs tell me.  it's a stand of assertiveness, i guess.  just cuz they're docs doesn't mean they know my body better than i as far as how it reacts to what's put in it. 

so, no matter what happens with all the tests in sept., i pretty much already know what i have to do.  i'll listen, weigh what's said, look at the results, and do what i need to do.  at this point, i think i've done a helluva job of keeping myself alive and as well as possible with what i've had to work with. 

10 yrs. ago my hub told me that he thought i was gonna die.  i guess i don't give up quite that easily, no matter how hard it is.  i've got a daughter to visit at least once a year, and a brother i'd like to see.  got a novel i'm re-editing, and maybe want to write a book about alexithymia that could help explain this phenomenon to those suffering and confused about why.  so, i've still got things to do.  not done yet.

i agree, candid, and from what i've been reading, you're getting into some different stuff yourself.  yay for us!

little bit of a headache today - was only on the stuff for 9 days.  i can't imagine what might have happened after a month.  she didn't give me or the family doc any directions for what happens after a month, except that if i felt bad, to go 125 mi. to the emergency room for her.  which is rich, since neither my hub nor i have a car that can make it that far, and the buses don't run all night - blah blah blah. 

working within this medical system has been a learning experience, both of the system and about myself.  i believe it's all progress.  sometimes it's slower and more painful than at other times, and i hate that my hub has to continually watch me get sick and suffer because of it.  it chips away at both our spirits, which isn't good. 

however, as i learn more, put more pieces into place, i know i will suffer less, which will be a relief for him, too.   that's good for both of us. 

when i was in crisis, i went twice a week.  otherwise, once a week, which i always thought was the norm, so to speak, but it can differ according to what the client needs.  you might want to speak to your t if you feel you need more help/support for a bit.  maybe you can see your t more often.  best to you with this. 

wife2, so glad you called.  i think that being committed for si might be different in different countries/areas.  this was a beautiful thread you began.  thanks for sharing your experience, your lovely thoughts and well wishes.  you are a gem.

candid, i put my hat in your ring, too.  you matter a great deal to me, and to others here, i'm sure.  so supportive, always, even while in the depths.  that's quite a heart you have, my dear!  it deserves to keep beating.    here's another      from me, given with true affection.  you are one of my family here!

absolutely!  i was raised to look out for everyone's well-being but my own, and to this day i'm so grateful for a kindness shown me, i want to pay them back.  for the longest time my daughter didn't understand why i would thank her profusely when i visited for being so kind to me.  she finally got it when we both went nc w/ my other daughter/her sister, and kind of put the pieces of my life together.  it's a biggie for me.

thanks, hazy.  i got 6 of these, most of them coming in adulthood.  good list, and thanks for posting it.  it's pretty amazing what these types of experiences can do to someone over the long haul.  big hug.

thanks, candid.  your little 'o bugger' comment when i signed out made me laugh.  that was great!  that felt good, too.  careful with the weaning - take it really slow.  when i went off my effexor, i did actually have to break the capsules open, get empty capsules from the farmacia, and hub would split them in fourths to start.  he looked like he was making lines of coke!  that's how i began going down, by fourths, did that for about a month, then by thirds, same thing, finally by halves.  it took a while, but i had no adverse effects coming off, and i'd read horror stories about that drug.

speaking of anti-d meds, the prozac stops now.  yeah, i had some pretty good energy yesterday, but for 2 nights running i had a terrible time falling asleep, last night was worse than the night before, and i was up at 3:30 this morning.  this is with my sleeping med.  i'm extremely sensitive to caffeine and anything speed-y, and sleep is something i sorely need.  so, besides one med for the nail fungus, and one for sleep, i'm now pretty much on my own, except for vitamins and supplements.  i believe that's where i'll stay unless i find compelling evidence otherwise.

this really is a whole-body experiment, trying to discover, then balance what works and what doesn't for my physical recovery.  it's a lot of work, actually, but dog gone it, i'm worth it!  just like the l'oreal ads say!  changing my tune about my pain hasn't been too bad, tho.  i hadn't really let it stop me too much, just kind of accepted it, didn't have emotions tied to it for the most part, so to start the messages is not so much an exchange but an addition.  it was pretty easy yesterday to keep telling myself they were false messages, or there was a brain glitch and the signal wasn't what it felt like.  i'm ok with this.  it was more self-talk than i've been doing - that was probably the biggest difference. 

so, ever onward. 

no wonder you felt invalidated, radical.  if there is no 'self', there is nothing of you. 

all i can say is that i witnessed just how hard you tried to make this therapeutic dynamic right, and how much time and energy you put into trying to fix it.  sometimes, and i can totally relate to your efforts, we need to go thru these things in order to learn what we need to know, not only about ourselves, but all the triggers that pulled you in, kept you involved, and made it so difficult for you to finally say 'enough'!

i have nothing but admiration for your process with this, and i believe your anger is part of the process.  it's valid and valuable.  i had all this with my icky therapist (yes, i learned some things from her, but she also took advantage of what she learned of me and manipulated me to her own way of thinking and doing) and it was a monumental betrayal.

i did report her, and i got a modicum of closure from it.  it took me 8 yrs. to get through my feelings about it, (i didn't have this forum, tho - i'm sure it wouldn't have taken that long, but i had little support for doing this at the time) plus anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds (which i'd not had before).  if you are able, it might be a good way for you to go, when/if you are ready.   if not, that's ok, too.  whatever works best for you.

you've come such a long way with this issue, radical.  brava!  i think you've done really well.  it's good to see you angry now.   big hug.