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I think I have just finally gotten tired of trying to be something and someone I'm not. I'm tired of being tired. Why shouldn't I be allowed to discover who I am and be myself, just like everyone else? Well I've decided I am allowed and the person emerging is strong and empowered. She is freely quirky with people and is far less afraid of holding boundaries. She is the person that all of those who have hurt me, were afraid of. She is who they kept down and buried for years and now I'm setting her free.

Even my refelction is changing to me. For years I have looked in the mirror and seen 15 year old me. The girl so lost and alone. So afraid and with no one to truly turn to. I still don't see the almost 30 year old woman but I don't see the teenager anymore. I don't feel that way, or not as intensly as I did. My perspective of myself is slowly changing.

I feel I am developing a routine to help handle things when I am triggered. I am less reactive. Today has been a prime example. a couple of friends made a 'joke' about domestic violence, followed by a ptsd comment. Now I did not find this funny and I made that perfectly clear! I hate this. Even without my own history, 'jokes' like that are never appropriate and are always in poor taste, in my opinion. Unfortunately, what was said pretty much described my situation at times and triggered some FBs. Now, a few months ago, I would have likely completely lost my temper with them and ended up having a PA and being in a real state. Today, I was able to voice my displeasure in a calm way and then remove myself from the situation and go and do what I needed to do, to get through the FBs.
I'll admit, I feel very drained this evening and quite numb. But I know and accept it as what it is. Part of my process. I am not a nervous wreck like I usually am. And now I have systems and routines in place to help me get through. It doesn't change the unpleasantness of it all but it certainly makes dealing with it easier.

I listen to music daily now. It's become a therapy to me. I am enjoying my type of music and have a friend now that has the same taste as me. So we often share music with each other and is regularly a topic of conversation with us. It's just another small thing that I haven't been able to do for years and I am thoroughly enjoying getting back in touch with music that is important to me. Also being introduced to artists previously unkonown to me.
It is truly amazing the things we take for granted without realising. The simple act of listening to music I enjoy has been lost to me for so long that now I have it back, I couldn't imagine not being able to again. It has given me a stronger appreciation I think.

I am trying to get into a routine of, once or twice a week, ensuring I take time out to do something creative. I find I am at my calmest when I am drawing, painiting or knitting. These are moments of genuine peace, where my mind stops racing and I just lose myself in what I am doing. It has been a challenge at times because I try and push myself to do these things during an episode. These are times I need the calm the most but, they are also the times I find it hard to do something for myself. I usually don't feel 'worthy' in these moments and undeserving of peace.
Tonight I am going to do some drawing. Try and draw my attention away from dwelling on the FBs. I may be able to, I may not. If I can't then so be it. At least I came on here and released some thoughts. Some form of self care has been done 
I still have to remind myself that me time is important, especially on days like today.

So with that i am going to sign off. I send you all love and support and would like to gently remind you, you have survived 100% of your worst days. You've got this and you are not alone 

Papa Coco I have to say it's lovely to your name! I have thought of you often and hope you are well.

I agree, my absence and isolation was exactly what I needed. And with nobody pushing me and forcing me to interact with the world before I was ready, I have been able to do some real work on myself in that time. People often immediately think that isolation is bad and sometimes it is, but sometimes it is completely necessary.

I am dealing with some stressors, that previously would have really messed me up. My anxiety would have been through the roof and I would have been at panic stations. Yes it is still stressful but I feel more able to deal with that stress. Again there isn't anyone making it worse and not allowing me time to process and think of how to handle things properly. And I can be stressed, I don't have to pretend that I am not to make someone else feel better all the time. It's allowing me to actually feel and process my emotions instead of them getting ontop of me and out of control.
My life is very stagnant at the moment, I don't do very much. Yet, I feel so much more free than I have ever felt. I have no one physically around me but I don't feel lonely in the same way as I did. Do I miss having company? Sure. But sometimes no company is the better, safer option.

I had a member of my family reach out to me this week. I have to say, I haven't even opened their message. I feel bad because that has probably hurt them but I am not ready for that conversation or to rekindle that relationship. I may not ever and they will have to respect that, if that is the decision I make. I will not let anyone ever guilt me into doing something I don't want to again. No matter how much they have helped me throughout my life. I refuse to be a slave to the judgements of others. It was a very nice message I recieved, just not one that I wanted to respond to.

I am still struggling with sleep, regularly being awake for veery long stretches of time but at least I'm not having nightmares when I do sleep. Things are far from perfect and I still have a long way to go but I'm making progress all the time and that's what matters.

Hi everyone. I hope you are all safe and well.
I would like to apologise for my unplanned and unexpected absence. I ended up going down the rabbit hole and spiralling. Quite badly.
I completely withdrew, even from my Mum. It was a dark period and at times frightening. My symptoms were horrendous and I was hardly functioning. I had to stop journalling and come away from all things mental health for quite a while. I haven't started journalling again. I found myself fixating and obsessing over the fact that I just wasn't getting better. I think I made the right decision.
My son has been having a lot of behavioural issues that we have been trying to work thrrough. Fortunately his nursery is amazing and have been so supportive. They jumped into action when I asked for their help and made referrals whilst I did the same at home. We are slowly making some progress but at least the support is there.

I also ventured into an online game. I downloaded it just to give it a go and have ended up meeting some of the most amazing people, from all over the world. I talk to some daily and have made some really dear friends. It's amazing. Some days, and nights, I would be lost without them.
I had some really dark times and one person in particular has been wonderful. I realised that when I talk with them, I am unapolagetically myself. All my weird, quirkiness comes out and I'm not laughed at or made to feel sill for just being me. in fact it is celebrated and they join in. We are very similar. It's refeshing. I like the person that is emerging. She is fun.

I have spent a lot of time listening to music. One artist in partcular and I really want to share it with you. I have been listening to Citizen Soldier. He has PTSD and his music is all about his journey. He penned his first song, Let It Burn, when he was a patient in a psychiatric unit after a suicide attempt. His songs reflect not only the darkest of days but the healing days, the days we feel empowered. And the day we TAKE our power back! He has become an inspiration to me. He survived and not only that, he is LIVING!
Some songs that have really helped me (and some even saved my life some nights) are, Save Your Story, Sacred, Irreplaceable, Hallelujah (I'm Not Dead), Afterlife, Tattoos. If I can pass this on and he can help someone else like he has me, then he is succeeding in his goal to be a voice for our hidden stories.

I made a conscious decision a little while back, to no longer carry the shame that does not belong to me. to no longer let my life be poisoned by the anger and the hatred towards the people who have hurt me so. They will hold no power over me anymore. My life is mine for the VERY first time and the world is my oyster. Me and my boy can go anywhere and do anything.
Since that day, my symptoms have improved drastically. I am far less anxious, I haven't had a PA in weeks. FBs? Far less frequent and my recovery from them, shorter.
i feel like I am finally becoming myself and I'll be honest....I llike her!

i am not sure how regularly I will be posting but I hope that, although I know there will be bad days and I still have a journey ahead of me, I continue to carry this strength and confidence through those days and continue to remind myself, there is an end.

I refuse to be defined by my past any longer! 

[M&H]

M&H - Thank you for the empathy and compassion. That was a hard day but things have been steadily improving for me as each day goes by

One of the things I struggle with, when it comes to the whole 'getting back to yourself' mantra is that for lots of people, like us here, there is no person to get back to. There was no 'us before', there is just what we had to be in order to survive.. For me, it is all about learning and discovering. Not re-learning and re-discovering. There is no me to get back to, no one has ever even met, me. I haven't. For some it will very much be the case of 'getting back to themselves' but for such a large chunk of people, that just isn't the case at all.

We are all wonderful, multi-faceted, complex beings and we deserve not only to discover and accept all the different parts of us but we also deserve to find that all of these parts hold miracles.

I love how you put this. Beautifully said. I am going to remember this when I'm feeling, less than worthy, shall we say.

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Everything went to plan on Tuesday, no problems at all. I am now completely and utterly....free!!!! And it feels just wonderful
There has been a shift in my mindset and mood and everyday, I feel a little bit better. A little less emotional. I'm noticing all sorts of things as well. A lot of them to do with me being able to do what I want, without criticism, without worrying about upsetting someone.
I did a food shop yesterday and I ordered all the stuff that I want to eat, that I haven't been able to eat for a long time due to the people I have been in relationships with not liking the food. I haven't enjoyed cooking for a long time, it became a chore and a real challenge for me. I am honestly looking forward to trying out some new recipes and actually enjoying my food, for the first time in forever.
It's great noticing all these little things that are just making life a more pleasant experience but there is one feeling I cannot escape at the moment. Everything is peaceful, it's been peaceful for a few weeks now and I'm feeling less anxious in general but, I cannot escape this sense, this fear that, at any moment the peace is going to be shattered. That it's all just going to fall apart and I'll realise that the peace wasn't real, just another illusion. That's the way it's always been. These moments of peace are just the calm before the next storm. I feel like I am waiting around for it all to go wrong. There isn't really anything that can go wrong if I'm honest with myself but that is what makes this feeling so frustrating. Logically I know this. The problems and stress were all stemming from my ex and now he isn't here, those have gone away but that doesn't stop me being constantly feeling like I need to be prepared for something to go wrong.
It's going to take some work and some time to get past that. Conflict, stress and aggression have been a constant throughout my whole life, it feels bizarre now that isn't the case. It almost doesn't feel right. I know that probably sounds really silly but that's the only way I can think to explain it. The lack of conflict seems, not wrong but definitely not right. It's very odd.

I've been making an active point over the last few days to really focus on some self-care. I haven't really looked after myself well for a little while now, I just haven't had the energy or motivation to do so. I have pushed myself to do these things even when I really haven't felt like it. Each time I am glad I did because ultimately, I always feel just a little bit better. I'm a little more productive every day, I'm sleeping a little better at night and just feeling a little more alert and less dissociative.
I'm just trying to enjoy the calm and the peace for now (especially as it feels so fragile). Really use this time to recoup from months of total emotional exhaustion.

[Papa Coco]

Thank you all again for your overwhelming support. This may be a virtual space but I feel like I am truly part of a community here It's always refreshing to come here and be reminded that there a good and genuine people in this world

Papa Coco what an amazing idea with the salt circle. I'm so glad that you were able to create a ritual to banish their voices. I don't know what will banish him but I'm sure I'll find a way. Thank you for sharing that link too. I will check it out.

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I was really emotional and I felt like I was grieving. I was bursting into tears at the slightest thing and I just didn't have any motivation to do anything. But it wasn't the loss of the relationship or anything else. I was mourning the loss of myself. Of who I was, who I could have been. The loss of all that time and energy that I invested into a fraud, that I invested into a life that could never be.
I've lost all my passion, all of my confidence and any sense of self worth that I had clawed back. I was never given the chance to recover from what I had been through previously before I was trapped in a different situation. He pulled me from one abusive situation, into his own. I didn't stand a chance.
But I really did feel like I was grieving the loss of someone so close to me. It was powerful. It's a real challenge when I'm struggling to regulate my own emotions and my sons are all over the place too. I wasn't on top form for him at all yesterday and it was tough for both of us.

Today has been better. We have finally been able to get out for a while, the weather has been so poor that we have been stuck indoors. Going for a walk and running a couple of errands lifted my mood immensely. Just the sun being out has helped. My emotions are less overwhelming today. We have both been able to cure that cabin fever we were feeling.
I know I need to take each day as it comes and some will be good and some, not so good. I'm hoping the not so good days will be easier to manage now though. I am able to let myself feel what I need to, to do whatever I need to, to get through that particular moment. I don't feel the pressure to be ok and hide that side of myself. If I need to cry I can and not feel silly for it. My son has shown me more compassion in some of those moments than I saw from my ex in well over a year. Says a lot about a person when a child under 5 has more compassion, in my opinion.

The mantra these days seems to be all about getting 'back to yourself'. That is something I don't want to do. I don't want to 'get back to myself', that person isn't real. She is a chameleon that is an expert at changing herself to fit in with others regardless of herself and her feelings and needs. An expert shape-shifter. I am instead, very much in the mindset of discovering myself. I have never had a true opportunity to really learn about me and who I actually am. I just want to spend my time being me, whoever she is. Hopefully it will be a fun experience I just want to try and experience the world, for the first time ever, without any trauma. Without someone deliberately causing me harm or having insidious intentions.
I want to look at the world through my sons eyes, as if I am discovering it for the first time. In a way I am. I am hopefully entering a world I have never known before. One full of light and hope and happiness. This is where I will learn who I am, what I like and what I want and need.

It's scary because it's unchartered territory and I feel like I'm going in blind. But at least I won't be fumbling around in the dark this time. My eyes will be wide open, I see so much more clearly now.

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It's done! Everything is gone!

I have felt a wonderous sense of freedom all day. To know that there is now, no reason why I have to see him again. He has no need to ever come back to my home. It was over and done with in an hour. So it didn't even impact my day really. It just feels amazing to know, I do not EVER have to deal with that again
He did take all of his remaining belongings but as I suspected, it isn't all, quite, finished with. He was unable to sort out the phone situation today, apparently there was an error caused by his new provider and they need to restart the process. Whether that is true or not I don't know but I have been told it will be sorted by Tuesday. We will have to see. I haven't gone ahead and just cancelled it like I said I would as ,I cannot actually prove whether or not he is telling me the truth about the situation. If there is another excuse on Tuesday, then all bets are off and there will be no more extensions.

I spent some time in my room today, making it more mine. Years ago, I used to have a memory wall. It was full of cards and pictures and trinkets from throughout my life. I loved it and it always made me happy to sit and look at it, to remember good times. When I moved, I took everything down and stored it away, always intending to put them back up again. That was almost 11 years ago. This week, I pulled out the folder everything was in and I sorted through it. I picked out the things that I wanted, the things that resonated with me and set them aside. I also went through my sons artwork and picked out some of my favourite bits from there. Today, I began my new wall I felt so peaceful and calm as I was sticking these things on my wall. It was nice to be flooded with good memories, positive memories for once. I needed that after the events of the last few weeks.
It's nice to have the reminders that not everything was terrible. There have been good times too. I'm hoping it will help remind me that there will be good times again.
I have put all of this on a wall that I face when I go to sleep. Sleep is such a problem for me and I'm wondering if, looking at something that evokes such positive emotions in me, will help me relax into sleep a bit easier. Maybe even help the frequency of my NMs. Even if it doesn't do that, when I wake up and my anxiety is through the roof and I'm not sure of where I am, I have something I can turn to. Something to help calm and ground me. You never know. I think it's worth a shot and judging by how I felt putting everything up, I really think it will have a calming effect on me. No matter what, I like it and that matters too.

It's going to take a while to get out of the habit of feeling like everything I do must have some sort of purpose, otherwise I'm wasting time. I'm not used to doing anything just for me anymore, so it feels sort of alien. It was super satisfying though. I realised whilst I was putting everything up, that without even realising it, I had a full explanation planned out in my head. I was already prepared for the questions. Questions that I had to remind myself weren't coming. I took a minute to just sit and look at my stuff. My jaw was really tightly clenched and my chest was tight. My anxiety about it had crept up without me even noticing. I moved past it pretty quick and just focused on all the positive feelings I was having. I feel like this is going to be regular sort of occurrence for a while. I have been so used to having to have an explanation for everything, or a reason for doing something. I'm so used to being looked down on for these sorts of things, for being made to feel silly for things I like. I expect that I will be triggered by a lot of things for a while. But at least now, I can honestly tell myself that, that is not going to happen again. Not now, not ever. I'm not that person anymore. That experience with him, is over.

It's so freeing to know that I truly am the master of my sea now. It's terrifying too as I have to learn to trust myself again, to trust my own decisions and choices. But they are MY choices and decisions, no one else's and no one can question them or make me question myself. I am regaining my control.

For the first time in, forever, I have plans for the future. I can honestly say I have some hope. I dictate what path I choose, where I go and who gets to go along with me.

I'm FREE!!!
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I'm hoping that now so much stress has been removed from my life, my brain might feel slightly less cluttered and I can focus a bit more. As that begins to happen I will start catching up on everyone's journals. I apologise for not interacting but it just hasn't been something I have been capable of.
Just know you are all always in my thoughts and always have my support

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Papa Coco and Armee.

You've both said something that my last T said to me a lot, just in different words. You cannot heal in the place you were harmed. It is so very true. I now know the answer as to why I wasn't getting any better. Why it felt like I was just getting worse. It wasn't me! I was in a space where it wasn't safe or even acceptable to heal as that meant focusing on me and not him.

Papa Coco what you have said about feeling like, as soon as one villain leaves, another takes their place. I feel this in my soul. I have spent my life questioning why me? Why and how do I always end up in these situations? Finding this forum has been a HUGE help in opening my eyes to what was happening. I wish I had been the one that had the strength to walk away but I was just in too deep to do that, not without the push.
I too have found myself giggling and just beaming at random moments. I am holding onto that feeling. It's nice to feel some genuine joy for once.
I am soaking up any and all information I can. I am determined to not be unprepared or caught off guard by people like that ever again. I am not signing up for misery.
I follow a licensed T who specialises in NPB and NA and she said that the other day, 'If you let them talk, they will tell on themselves.' As I sit now and think back, he did, so many times. I just wasn't listening closely enough. Well now I am and I can hear it loud and clear. 3 year olds are more honest than these people.

Armee thank you for that. I will definitely give that a read. I am regularly being amazed at how textbook his behaviour has been. I always thought I was quite knowledgeable about all of this but you really can't see it when you're in it.

Unfortunately, he is coming back at the weekend. Why I thought that on this occasion he would stick to what he said, I will never know.
He wasn't able to take all of his stuff due to having to get the van back, he also had a long drive back and needed to unload. But for me, he knew all of this. He knew he couldn't come until the afternoon as we both wanted to make sure my son wasn't home whilst all of this was going on. He also chose to park where the lift was broken down, so him and his Dad then had to hump everything down the stairs. I did inform him that the lift wasn't working, so that was his decision. It almost feels as if he made it harder for himself on purpose.
I have moved everything that was left, into my shed, which is also full of is belongings. This way when he comes back, he has no need to step inside my home.

He's also dragging his heels with changing his accounts so they are no longer linked to my email address and swapping his contract.
Now according to him, we have been separated for MONTHS! So why is all of this stuff still in my name? Why are you telling me you have done things that you clearly haven't done? He was the one that said he didn't want me anymore. He was the one who left for someone else. He's the one that didn't want the relationship. Yet, it feels like he is the one that is still clinging on. I just want him to go away now. Something he has been telling me to do for weeks. Now I'm gone, he's still maintaining these links.

Well, I'm not having it. He said this evening, that it will all be sorted between now and Friday. I have made it clear to him, if it is not sorted by the weekend, then I will be cancelling the contract, whether or not he has sorted what he needs to. I have also told him that I will contact the necessary companies and inform them that the account attached to my email does not belong to me. He wasn't best pleased by that but I'm not all that bothered. He had those things because we were in a relationship and I was helping my partner. That is now no longer the case and if we haven't been in a relationship for months, as he says, then surely he should have sorted all of this by now?
I have ZERO obligation to help him any longer and I'm not prepared to do so. You don't want me, then you don't have access to ANY part of me.

So, he isn't quite gone yet. But he certainly he will be by the weekend. One way or another.

Him clearing the bulk of his stuff has meant that I've been able to sort my sons bedroom. He now has a space all his own. He couldn't play in there before because of all of the stuff that was in there. Including bunk beds. I could never leave him unattended, it just wasn't safe for him to play. He also always wanted to rifle through everything which, he obviously couldn't do. He has the biggest room as when we moved in, we needed to be able to sleep four in there. So, he has this HUGE space that he can play in now. My living room is also now, no longer a play room, this has given me somewhere that I can chill out in now as well. So we both win. There are definite perks

I'm just really hoping that my ex, gets the last of his stuff at the weekend, and just goes away. I am so ready for him to just go away. Will also be nice for my Mum too. She is the middle man at the moment. We communicate through her, this way, there can be no conflict. He can't poke and prod and push all those buttons.
I do wonder if he will find a reason to not take everything at the weekend too. I truly hope not. I will not be happy. The deadline I gave him was this weekend so, hopefully he will stick to that. I'll just have to see.

[CrackedIce]

WOW guys! Just WOW! I don't think I have ever felt as supported as I do right now. You are all so wonderful

CrackedIce - First, may I say welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us Second, thank you for this: In both of your posts I've read, my reaction has been "I wish I would've had a mother like that growing up" - you're doing right by your kid, and that's amazing. To have someone say this means the world to me. I always stress about whether I'm doing right by him, especially at the moment, so again thank you. I needed that. Sending you a warm, motherly hug (if that's ok) 

Armee - I keep telling myself, I am free, over and over. Makes me smile every time. It finally feels that way. I feel lighter and more in control. I removed my sons bio Dad from his life because he was unsafe and not someone that should be a role model to ANYBODY and I have found myself once again in a similar situation. The behaviour that I am realising I have been subjected to for the last few years, is not something I want in my life and I certainly don't want it around my son. I will not raise him to be a man anyone has to recover from. Keeping his 'Dad' around would make that a lot harder. Also the fact that very quickly he wants to 'distance' himself, is a huge red flag for me. This man has wanted distance and to leave me so many times, yet he always came back, because I let him. My son has suffered enough of the indirect impact of that, I'm will not stand for the same behaviour being presented directly to my child. Not by anyone.
I don't have many polite words myself. Besides from, 'Thank you for finally letting me go and handing me the scissors I needed to cut the rope. You done me a favour.'

Papa Coco - I remember the first time I called him out on it. I told him that was what he was doing and I wasn't having it, he immediately turned around and said, 'I'm not doing that, your are!' From that day on, he told me whenever we fell out, which was all the time, that I was gaslighting him. Just proved to me that he didn't know what it meant and he was just trying to twist the perspective.
He was very good at love-bombing. Did it frequently, at first. Even that went away in the end. I was just expected to be there and like the dutiful little fawn that I am, there I was. The moment I told him he was either consistent or gone and he insisted on 'distance' and I then made the decision, was so empowering. I have been holding onto that feeling. I took my control back in the moment. The illusion blew away and he was no longer pulling my strings. Pure freedom, a feeling I haven't felt for at least 4 years. Before I met my H. I refuse to lose that again.
I saw something the other day that said, Don't help me if I'm going to hear about it on a bad day and it is so relevant to what's been going on. I always heard about everything he had done for me and how ungrateful I was, every time we argued. The simplest things suddenly meant that I had to do something for him or, that he then didn't need to do anything at home because he'd done this thing. Nothing was ever free or just done with kindness. Everything had a motive, with some sort of expectation.

I'm glad things are this way. We can finally live!

M&H - Hindsight is 20/20 and it's hard to accept the things we refused to see or even acknowledge, in the name of love. But like you say, it was a love that was very one sided the majority of the time.
I am very much the same and quickly fall into those fawning patterns (thank you Papa Coco for introducing me to the term). It's a skill that needs to be unlearned and we need to remember to be gentle with ourselves. These habits kept us alive up until this point. They once served a purpose. They took a lifetime to learn, so it's only natural it will take time to unlearn them.
I used to look at my Mum and wonder why she didn't leave sooner? Why she didn't save herself and her kids sooner? Until I found myself in similar situations. Even surrounded by people, I was completely alone, with no where to go. I felt like a tiny island in a vast, empty ocean. Sometimes leaving isn't an option, or you have been convinced that it isn't. This is what they do.
It's seeing and learning what my Mum experienced, what I've experienced, that has given me that strength to ensure my son does not live a life like me. Or my siblings. The cycle does not need to repeat. He has experienced FAR too much already at the hands of two people who called themselves Dad, only to show that, in the end, they were only 'Dad' by name. I have time to rectify that and undo any harm that may have been done to my boy by these experiences and I will do anything in my power to make sure he is ok. He didn't ask to be here and he shouldn't be punished by other people's poor choices.

Hope - Thank you for your kind words and well wishes. Each day gets a little better and I have finally have some hope. 

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Tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow all of his things will be removed from my home. I can finally, completely shut the door on that chapter and focus on moving forward. I feel like when I wake up on Wednesday morning, it will truly be the first day of the rest of my life. There will no need for any future contact or communication of any kind. He can go on with his life and me and my son can go on with ours, however we see fit.
I organised all of his stuff today and set it up so he can just come in and easily filter it out. No messing around in cupboards or anything. Just grab and go! Ha! It was a really cathartic experience. I was taking control of the situation and it felt great. When I shut the door tomorrow, it really is shut. I won't opening it for him again It's going to be such a relief to know that I am never going to have to deal with any of that again. Now I can focus on healing from it. Yes it's another thing to heal but I'd rather be healing than actively stuck in that environment.
I am already noticing a drastic improvement in my anxiety levels. I haven't had a PA for a little while, less EFs and FBs. Less frequent NM's too. The other thing I have noticed, is that when these things do flare up, I am dealing with them better because I'm not also dealing with the intricacies of my relationship. I can deal with what's happening from a calmer place, I feel more capable of dealing with them too. I'm still battling emotions and a lot of anger and frustration but I'm not being totally overwhelmed, all the time. I am re-entering my window of tolerance. Haven't been inside that window for some time now.

I have been able to do things that I want to do, without upsetting anyone or having to ask. I was able to sit on New Years eve and watch one on my favourite artists perform a set on a live stream. I would NEVER have been able to do that before. Especially as it isn't his type of music. I am watching what I want on telly, eating whatever I fancy instead of having to cater to him all the time. I'm listening to my music, all the time now and I'm just calmer.
I have removed all daily reminders, I have emptied my phone of pictures, put them on a sd card and put that away, in a box that is full of photographs and cards and all manner of things from all of them. Him and the kids. I don't want to get rid of them, because although they are 3 years of memories involving them, but they are also 3 years of memories of me and my child. I just can't look at them right now, so I am going to keep them safe until I can. They were all a huge part of our lives and  I'm not prepared to just eradicate that but, I also don't need to see those things everyday.

Tomorrow is the final page in this chapter of my life. I am so ready for the next one now. I am walking into a new year, still uncertain of what's going to happen, but for the first time in years, it doesn't look bleak. It looks full of opportunities and a chance at happiness.
I just hope I can maintain this positivity and determination.

[Armee]

Man is it good to be back To see all of your posts, just reminds me that there are good people in this world, that not everyone is selfish or has an ulterior motive

Armee - Thank you. It's been a while since I have felt strong in any way and each day gets a little better. I'm proud of me too

M&H - You're kind words, as always, are greatly appreciated It has been awful to be honest. Leaving my H was a 1000% times easier! I was desperate to make sense of everything and had this overwhelming need to know the truth. I really lost my grip a couple of times. I would message him these essays desperately trying to get the answers and we would just argue. But I would do this whilst in the middle of a PA or really struggling with the EF I was in. Not wise. The moment he denied (not sure if that's the right term) my son like that, I didn't care anymore. I finally allowed myself to know what I know about him. No more fairy-tale that didn't exist, just the naked truth of the situation. I ignored, excused and justified so much when the reality was he was just being a crappy person a lot of the time. Weaponising my trauma and ultimately making me feel really rubbish about myself.
It's absolutely terrifying but I feel so free. We've both lost an entire family, not just him. I've lost his kids and his Dad, so my son has therefore lost his siblings and his Grandad as well. It's left a huge hole in our lives. But we will be ok, I'll make sure of it

Papa Coco - I need my body to match the energy of my words now. My brain is well in gear and I'm making plans and just all systems go, but my body is still stuck in the fugue at the moment. I am trying to be gentle with myself though and remind myself that it's been a tough few weeks.
I will not allow my son to be treated the way I have been treated throughout my life and by my ex. Those words were all I needed in the end. They broke the spell and snapped the cord that linked us. Protecting my child is my number one priority and if it ever comes to choosing, my boy wins every time.

I believe he is a narcissist, I have believed it for a long time. I suppose I just hoped he would recognise that he needed some help and get the support he needed. Especially as he was so insistent that I get myself back into therapy. The way I have felt coming out of this has also sort of confirmed it for me.  I have been in physical pain with this, it's been that intense. But now when I think of him, I don't think of just the good times and cling to them, I'm remembering all of it. It's sad to say but the bad times were so much more intense than the good times, that they just overshadow them.

I have been doing lots of research in  recent weeks on reactionary abuse and it has become painfully clear to me that this is his MO. He would push and push until I exploded, then stand back and very calmly now, point out how 'crazy' I was being. Or how abusive I was. His favourite move was once he wound you up to the point of explosion, he would then start recording you as 'proof' of how bad you were. I was not the only person he has done this to. He knows exactly what buttons to push in everyone he encounters and he will utilise that knowledge when he feels he needs to, then turn it around to make the other person look bad.

I have spent the last few years feeling like I am losing my mind. Constantly being told I am getting worse not better. Having the threat of certain people finding out where I was every time we had an argument. Knowing I'm being used and lied to but constantly being convinced that isn't the case. Always feeling unsure of how each day would go. Now, very quickly, everything has changed. There is certainty to my day and the only people I have to worry about are myself and my son.

I came to the realisation late last night that, it was never him I was missing. It was my idea of this person, the person that I originally met, but in reality that person never existed. He came to be so he could gain access to me then disappeared once he had me. And company, that's what else I was missing. Now, I would rather be entirely alone than have such toxic company.
I had such a chilled out Christmas with my little man, that it just cemented how awful the environment had really been.

I feel some excitement for my future as it is now solely in my hands. I control what happens next. I get to start the year with a clean slate. It really feels like the beginning of a new chapter and for once it isn't shrouded in darkness. It's going to be tough and as excited as I feel, I am terrified. But I don't honestly think that anyone else in my shoes would feel any different. I think that it's perfectly reasonable and for me, at least it means I'm not numb. Feeling that excitement and that fear means I haven't shut down. I'm taking every positive as they come and that sure is one in my book

I am so ready to really start healing! And doing it at my pace, not someone else's

[LONG]

Hi Papa Coco, thank you for checking in and thank you for the hug 
I've been away longer than expected if I'm honest but that is the way it goes sometimes I did log on a little while ago but I just wasn't ready to reengage at that point.
I have missed the forum and you have all been in my thoughts but I am glad I made the decision to take a break. I am in a much better place now and feel ready to come back

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The last month of my life has been a real eye opener. The truth came crashing in and completely destroyed me for a little while there. I have been in a real battle just to keep going. To find the strength to wake up each morning. Once again I find myself being so grateful for my son, he has been my driving force, my sole reason to just hold on. He is such a kind and caring child and I find myself welling with pride, each and every time he shows that side of himself. We can learn so much from our children about being unashamed of our emotions. He has helped me to let myself feel what I have needed to feel instead of supressing it. My toddler will have a tantrum, get it out of his system and move on. In many ways, I have tried to do the same. When I have felt overwhelmed by my emotions I have allowed myself to feel them. Allowed myself to cry, or just go and sit quietly and breathe. Whatever I needed in that moment. It has also opened up doors with my son, ways that I have really been able to start communicating with him and showing him that his emotions are not a bad thing. That it's ok to feel and it's ok to show it. I have kept a lot away from him but I have allowed him to see me cry at times, I have sat and explained to him that sometimes we get sad and sometimes, a good cry can help you feel so much better.

My world completely changed at the beginning of this month, all my plans fell through and I was dreading yet another, miserable Christmas. For a long time it looked like that was exactly what was going to happen. I discovered that the person I have devoted the last 3 years to, that I have given everything to and I have loved with all my heart, has spent the last 6 months at least, using me. Telling me what I wanted to hear, to keep me where he needed me, whilst he got cosy with someone new. All this time he had me believing we were working on our relationship and we honestly had hope for the future when actually I was just being used and manipulated for his own gain. I was devastated. I still am but it's a bit different now. But I was crushed. This man quite literally saved me from my husband and HIM. He was the one that stopped it all from happening again on another occasion. I thought this man was my hero! He has raised my son for the last 3 years. My son knows him as Daddy. But the man I thought he was, doesn't exist. He's been struggling to keep the mask up for a while now and it's finally slipped. I am now no longer looking at him and seeing what was, I look at him and see him for who he is and what he has done to me and my son.
It all came to a complete head the day before Christmas eve. My son was supposed to be spending Christmas with him but the day before he was supposed to be collected, my ex decided that he needed to 'distance' himself for a while. Part of this is because I was not in a good way and was desperately trying to get answers from someone who didn't want to give them and didn't care. But it's also partly because I don't want my son being introduced to a new woman, when only a few weeks ago his Dad was virtually living back with us again and we were behaving like a family. I will not have him confused like that. But because he has already moved in with his new partner, him having my son isn't an option at the moment. Now this caused me to go full Mumma Bear. I know what this 'distance' means and I made it clear, he is either consistent or he's gone. That you don't distance yourself from your child. He chose that moment to tell me 'well he isn't my son'. That sealed the deal for me. For 3 years he has been your son and now you've suddenly decided he isn't? Time to go. Having someone be inconsistent with me and flip flop in and out of my life is one thing, I will not have it done to my child.

Everything changed for me in that moment. The whole way I looked at this man shifted. I have not cried over him since. We have been no contact since then. Any communication is through a third party. His stuff will be removed from my home next week and after that, I never need to see or speak to him again. Yes I have lost the family I built but no family is worth the trauma of the last 3 years.
My whole perspective has completely shifted. I have gone from wishing I was not here any longer and that my attempt at leaving this world had not failed last year. From being in so much pain that I physically hurt to being absolutely determined and feeling stronger than I have felt for a LONG time. I am finally seeing things clearly, seeing them for what they are. Finally seeing how I have been manipulated and used and gaslit. All by a person that swore thy would never do these things to me, especially after learning about my life. I do not need that, my son does not need that. It has made me so determined that never again will I allow anyone, to make me feel like this. Never again will I allow someone to make me doubt myself or make me feel wrong for having feelings and expressing them. I am never going to be in this position again. Enough is enough and I'm drawing my line in the sand. Not just for my sake, but for my son too. We deserve better!

This break in the relationship and going no contact has opened up an amazing door for me. I have been stuck living in an area filled with the demons of my past. This has caused my mental health to suffer immensely and I never feel safe. I was staying so my son would always be close to his 'Dad'. That isn't the case now. I have absolutely nothing at all in the world keeping me here. There is no happiness for me here, there never was. All I can think of is all the pain and betrayal I have experienced since moving to the area. There are no fond memories really. But now, now I can leave! I do not have to stay anymore. I can move and start a fresh, just me and my boy. Somewhere new, somewhere with no history, where no one knows us and we can just go and live our lives. As terrifying as that is, I find it so exciting too. To be able to just go, with a clean slate and just live and heal. Sounds amazing.

I have been coming to so many realisations in the last week and some of them are hard but all of them necessary. I am no longer looking at things through rose tinted glasses. I am seeing things as they are. I am realising just how bad this last relationship was and how little I was respected. Something that keeps coming to mind is the fact that I constantly asked him to stop making me jump. Stop trying to scare me. He could see how strong my reactions were, there was more than one occasion where he triggered anxiety attacks, full blown panic attacks and FBs. I collapsed on the floor in tears more than once. Yet he still made me jump, a lot. Such a small thing to ask someone to stop doing and yet, he just couldn't do it. I never got to celebrate my birthday, we never celebrated valentines day (he always broke up with me just before and then we would sort things out a few days later) all these types of things. Yet I always made an effort for him, often being the only person to do so. I am not claiming I was perfect and that I didn't mess up but I know I didn't deserve a lot of the treatment I have received. Especially in the last year.
What amazes me, is how after everything I have been through, especially before we got together, how I missed or ignored all the red flags.....again! Blows my mind and I'm the one who done it
For such a long time, he has been my whole world. He was all I had and I honestly didn't know how I could do it all without him. That is no longer the case. I can and will be fine without him. I have survived 100% of my bad days and I will get through this. He done me a favour in the end. I couldn't walk away, I didn't know how and I wanted to fix things. He gave me the final push I needed. He walked away and I closed the door and locked it. So in some ways I'm grateful for what he's done. Now I can move on with my life, without the weight and the anxiety of that relationship hanging over me.
I wake up each morning and I know exactly what is going to happen that day. I'm not trying to predict his mood, I'm not trying to keep him calm and happy and placate him all the time. I'm not having to pay attention to how much he is drinking so things don't explode. I'm not a completely anxious mess! I can spend my own money without being moaned at or an argument starting.

I feel better than I have felt for a long long time and for the first time in years, I have some sort of plan and hopes for the future. It's not looking quite so bleak. I had a lovely Christmas with my son, in fact it was the best Christmas I have had in years. I know there are going to be bumps and blips. I know there are going to be days that are hard but it doesn't seem quite as frightening now. I know that I can deal with those hard days in ways that help me and no one is going to judge me, no one is going to make me feel guilty for doing what I need to do, to be ok. I can finally focus on me and my healing journey. I can do it at my own pace, no one is rushing me to get better. No one is questioning why I am not better yet. My purpose is no longer to look after an egotistical, self-centred man who still thinks it's the 50's. My purpose is my son and myself and to bring a little good, a little light into this dark world.

Only about a week ago, I felt like I was standing on a cliffs edge, watching a wall of water moving towards me. Knowing there was no escape. All I could do was stand there and let it crash into me and throw me around for a while. It took a few days for me to finally break the surface and gasp for breath. Now, now I'm swimming. But this time I'm going to swim with the current instead of against it.

My life has been spent fighting and surviving. I'm done doing that. It's my turn to have a go at living.

I've realised today just how overwhelmed and overstimulated I am at the moment. I haven't lost my composure quite like this for a little while now. It's made me realise that I need to take a step back, from everything really. Just for a little while. I need to get over these lates hurdles, process some stuff and reconnect with myself and my child. This is a tough time of year for me (as it is for many of us here) and combining that with everything else, it's just got a bit too much.
So I'm going take a break from the forum for a little while, spend some time with my son and myself. Spend some time in nature and just try and find my feet again.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and heart. As always, you have my support and care and if you ever feel alone, just imagine me beside you with a listening ear and gentle hug if you need it
Thank you all for your support Take care and I'll be back soon.

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I have hardly slept this week and I'm exhausted. Have had the rug pulled out from under me again and it's knocked me flat on my backside. All my Christmas plans have now changed which has massively upset me as I can't spend it with the people I love. I have been so looking forward to it. Then at the same time, it also means, I don't have to hide the fact that I cannot STAND Christmas. I am not going to have deal with the anxiety that I usually deal with, or the complete overstimulation. But I feel guilty about the sense of relief I feel. I am in no way shape or form happy about not being able to go and spend Christmas with the people I was supposed to, I am devastated but I cannot deny the relief. It feels really confusing

I have been and currently am, an emotional mess! I'm flip flopping between extreme irritability, being a sobbing mess and dissociating. I have felt completely overwhelmed and overstimulated all day today. I have really struggled with noise and touch, and I have been freezing cold all day. I need to make sure I do something with my little one tomorrow. Mum has not been a fun person for him today. He's so lovely. I burst into tears this afternoon, for no apparent reason (especially to him) and he got up from his colouring to come and give me a cuddle and wipe my tears away I don't deserve him. I wish I could be the Mum he deserves.

Had a pretty bad PA this evening and ended up exploding on my ex. He did nothing wrong and I just Just everything came spewing out. I feel awful and I just keep apologising to him. He didn't deserve that at all. Yes, there are reasons why he got the brunt of it and I understand that, but he didn't actually do anything, in fact, as I was...losing my mind, he was in the middle of getting something sorted for me. I just feel like an awful person right now and wish I could just suck it all back in and it not have happened.
It's taken me...about 4 hours now, to get back to some real measure of calm, where I can really think and breathe. I've been floating on and off the forum all day because right now, this is the only place in the world, where I feel even slightly understood and a little less crazy.

This is taking me a while to write as I keep having to stop and remind myself to breathe. I'm holding my breath as I'm typing It's something I have noticed recently, when I am in an emotional state and I write/type, I hold my breath. Don't know why, but apparently, it's something I do or at least have started doing
I also have a cracking headache, so that doesn't help.

I did push myself to start drawing earlier. I have had an idea in my head for a while but just haven't been able to get started on it. I needed something to focus on this afternoon so I made myself start. It took a long time and I had to do everything in stages, but I got there in the end. So that's something. I might try and do some more, depends on if I can shift this headache at all.

Now in an attempt to try and focus on something I like. I mentioned in a previous post about feeling the energy move through my arm as I write/type and seeing colours. This post, its flow has felt very slow and juddery. Almost stop, start. And the colour, the colour is a dark grey. Like a stormy sky, with electric blue streaks. Almost like lightening.

As Armee said, lack of sleep will always make symptoms worse. Our bodies run on high as it is, then throw in lack of sleep, it has to work even harder.
Something I have comes across multiple times when trying to address my insomnia is the fact that as much as we think we are coping and managing 'fine' with lack of sleep, our performance gradually decreases. We are convinced we are working and functioning at the same level as usual, but the reality is a steady drop in productivity, concentration, emotional regulation and mood in general.
And just like children, the more over-tired we get, the harder it is to fall asleep.

When you wake up and can't get back to sleep do you get out of bed and go to another room for a little while?

I don't have many face to face, social interactions so I find that I struggle even more now than I did before.

My son doesn't really do eye contact either but he is still quite young so that could just be an age thing. I do wonder though if it is something he has picked up from me

I completely understand. I have NMs most nights and have done for quite some time. My sleep has been broken most of my life (a LOT of my trauma has happened during the night so this makes sense) so I understand you on that level. I also understand getting minimal sleep and having to function the next day.
You do sort of get used to it and learn to function around it but it makes everything so much harder. Lack of sleep impacts so many aspects of our lives and it can be so distressing when you can't sleep.

I am finding at the moment that I need sound. I usually listen to some sleep music but that hasn't been working for me. I have instead been listening to audiobooks. I still have the NMs and still takes me a long time to get to sleep but I am less focused on the noise and volume in my head. I focus on the voice of the narrator, and it distracts me from outside sounds. I am alert at most bumps in the night.

Have you tried doing a NM journal? Maybe writing them down when they happen and 'containing' them might help you start to be able to relax into sleep as they are not 'trapped' in your head anymore?

I'm sorry I can't offer more ideas. Not being able to sleep and then having any sleep you do get disturbed by NMs is horrible, so I really do empathise and feel for you.