Topics

I've realised today just how overwhelmed and overstimulated I am at the moment. I haven't lost my composure quite like this for a little while now. It's made me realise that I need to take a step back, from everything really. Just for a little while. I need to get over these lates hurdles, process some stuff and reconnect with myself and my child. This is a tough time of year for me (as it is for many of us here) and combining that with everything else, it's just got a bit too much.
So I'm going take a break from the forum for a little while, spend some time with my son and myself. Spend some time in nature and just try and find my feet again.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and heart. As always, you have my support and care and if you ever feel alone, just imagine me beside you with a listening ear and gentle hug if you need it
Thank you all for your support Take care and I'll be back soon.

Tomorrow will be one year since I last had a drink. I am proud of this
I didn't struggle with alcohol in the sense that I had an addiction, but I can link it to so many traumatic moments in my life. To so many moments that would have played out differently had alcohol not been involved. After the birth of my son and the events that came to pass afterwards, I began to realise just how unhealthy my relationship with alcohol had become. I was drinking far more than I should have been and after what happened in the summer of 2019, I drank even more. I realised I was using alcohol to cover my feelings and I realised just how unsafe I was, my surroundings were, when I was drinking.
It took a while to get to not drinking entirely but as my mental health got worse, the less I wanted to drink.
My partner at the time, did/does have a problem with alcohol and there have been many arguments where he has been drunk and many occasions where just being around someone drunk became triggering for me.

Alcohol played a large role in my life growing up. It played a big role in my Mums life too when she was a kid, so it seems to have just continued on. So many occasions ruined by people getting too drunk and arguments happening.
We were the party family in some respects. If we were throwing a party, all of our mates wanted to come because we threw good parties. But the family parties, they were often marred by drunken arguments and fights. I used to get so anxious about family gatherings when I knew alcohol was involved. Always watching and assessing everyone, just looking for the smallest change in expression or tone. Anything that would indicate a storm was brewing. Not all of these events were disasters and had these problems, but so many were.

Making the decision to not drink anymore wasn't necessarily a conscious one. I had a drink with my ex on his birthday last year (we were still together). We had a lovely evening but after that, every time I was offered a drink, I just didn't want it. I would much rather have a coffee.
I did stop drinking once before, years ago but it was much harder then. I was surrounded by alcohol and most of the people I knew at the time would push and push for me to drink with them. Or they would make jokes about me because I didn't want to drink. I was so often the butt of jokes, and I didn't need to add this to the list. Now, I'm virtually alone. I do not have friends, I do not socialise. There are 3 people I speak to and have any physical contact with. I have no one pressuring me to drink or making jokes about the fact that I do. When I finally re-enter society (if I ever fully do) I will feel more confident in telling people no if they were to insist I have a drink. I will have done it long enough by then that I don't think anyone could convince me to. I don't think anyone could now to be fair.

I watched my Mum try and drink her depression away as a kid. She was often drunk, not fall over drunk, she could function but many nights I was aware that she had maybe had a little too much. I love my Mum dearly and I know she was fighting her own demons and battles but I was determined to not let my son see me like that. I could have so easily gone that way. It seems to run in my family, both my Nan and my Uncle had/have problems with alcohol.

I'm just glad I have got this far and I didn't allow it to take over, like it so easily could have.

A few weeks ago I ordered a journal off of amazon. It's designed around c-PTSD and has things like symptom trackers, anxiety and mood trackers and lots of free space for writing. Spaced throughout it are gratitude exercises and grounding techniques.
I have tried writing and keeping a diary/journal and have always struggled. I like this book and find it really helpful due to the fact that it has structure, I often find trying to write without some sort of framework quite difficult, especially if it's a bad day. This gives me that structure.

What I like about this book is you can go back and at a glance you can see the changes (or lack of in my case at the moment). I'm finding it a useful tool.
If this interests anyone it is literally called CPTSD Journal.

Just thought I'd throw this out there in case it helps anyone 

I have spent my life trying to please everyone in it. Doing what other people want and ignoring my own feelings and needs. I am trying to change that but man is it hard. At this point in my life I can honestly say I don't know who I am. It feels as if I have spent all my time, bending and twisting myself into what people want and need. In doing that I never learned about myself. My last therapist would regularly ask me what I like, what my hobbies are, what I enjoy and I couldn't answer. He was the first person to understand why. I can tell people hobbies and interests but I use generic things. Like listening to music, who doesn't like listening to music?
It's a strange feeling realising that you don't actually know yourself. If I don't know who I am, how can anyone else? I don't even know how to describe myself. Really bizarre.

I have always been a strong defender of other people. Fiercely protective of those I care about. To the point of putting myself in danger and getting hurt, just to protect those around me. Never have I had anyone protect me in the same way.
I have had support throughout my life from my family but I was never able to go to them when it really mattered. Things that no child should have to keep to themselves. It never felt like a safe space to talk about those things. Also if I'm brutally honest I didn't feel like anyone would really care. They might go through the motions but it wouldn't be as important as everything else that was going on. That's how I felt. Even now, my Mum knows a lot but she certainly doesn't know everything as I know it would upset her. I know she feels she failed me and I don't want her to feel worse. My Mum did the very best that she could and I truly believe that. She had a lot to deal with and as the youngest of 6 I kind of got lost in the mix. Until I started playing up. That became the only way I got noticed but the guilt I felt at causing my Mum more trouble was immense. I just wanted someone to realise that I existed too. In the end my oldest sister moved me in with her for 4 months so I was out of the toxic environment at home. It did help me at school and my mood did improve somewhat. But I was in constant fear for Mum and what she was having to deal with. One of my brothers and one of my sisters were still living at home and they were horrific. My brother was violent and my sister manipulative and spiteful. Also a thief. I was always worried about what was happening and I knew things were going on that I wasn't being told about. I would always find out when I went home at weekends and that just made my anxiety worse the next week. I dreaded moving back home but I also couldn't wait to be back so I could help my Mum.

I used to rely heavily on my oldest sister. She was like a second Mum for a lot of years. But I slowly started to realise that every time I went to her, I would end up getting a lecture on what I should or shouldn't be doing but done under the guise of advice and sincerity. It got to the point that when I found out I was pregnant and I told her, I asked her not to lecture me about it. Her response to that was 'well that means you weren't careful'. That was the very reason I was nervous about telling her. I knew there would be comments made. I find it really hard as in the last year or so I have gone virtually NC with all my siblings. I say virtually because I believe since I walked away I have spoken to 3 on at least one occasion, there was always a distinct reason and since those interactions there have been nothing.

I do not look back on my childhood and think of happy times. In fact I find it really hard to think of any and I really have to sift through memories before I come to one. Don't get me wrong they are there, just hard to find. I am only just really unpacking my childhood and all that has happened. I always placed a lot of my trauma starting when I was a teenager but my last T made me realise that my childhood was really damaging. I find that knowledge alone really hard to accept because I am really starting to see how badly I was failed. How I slipped through the cracks, even though many people knew home life was turbulent. I'm starting to appreciate where my anger comes from and why I struggle to maintain healthy relationships of any kind.

I know I have a very long way to go and I am currently not in therapy. It ended earlier this year and I have yet to find a way to tackle my anxiety and get back to the Dr's. I have a hard time trusting Dr's as I have been passed from pillar to post for years. I find going to the Dr's about my mental health really triggering. It took me trying to leave it all for me to finally be noticed and taken seriously by professionals. Unfortunately I only had 6 months with my last T. A real shame and a real loss for me as I really trusted this man. For the first time, I was telling my story and not being judged. Not being told I didn't have it that bad or that I was lying, or there were holes in my story. My weekly sessions were my lifeline and I miss him dearly. Unfortunately that is the way of it. I can only get 12-24 weeks of sessions through the NHS it would seem.
I know I'll get there, I have to. I have a small human depending on me and I am determined for them to NEVER feel the way I did as a child. That way I hope they will never feel like I do as an adult. I cannot protect my child from everything, I know that but I hope I can make sure my baby knows they will never be alone. That whenever they should need someone I will always be there.

I'm hoping I can use this space to help unjumble the mess in my head and make a bit more sense of it. Hopefully this will work as helpful tool whilst I'm getting therapy sorted out. I'm hoping I won't feel so alone. I don't have any friends, my relationship has just failed and my Mum lives across a body of water. It is just me and my child, so I'm also hoping that reading others stories and just interacting with those who understand will help me dip my toe back into the world if you like. At this point I'm ready to try anything.

I have been thinking about making a post for a long time but never had the courage. I have come and had a read and then retreated and come back. Seeing so many others doing the same sort of thing has given me the final push 
I am still figuring out some of my story, if that makes any sense. It is only in more recent times that I have started to realise and have it pointed out to me, that a lot of things that have happened in my life would be considered traumatic. For me it was just daily life.

There have been so many things that trying to sort through the mess in my head feels like an impossible task. But being unable to do this has caused more issues for me. I find myself completely isolated, unable to maintain healthy relationships with anybody really. Trusting people is a huge issue for me, I have been through so much, much caused by the people closest to me. So the very idea of letting anyone new in is terrifying.

I'm hoping that by finally posting here I can find a place where I don't feel so different. That I can finally communicate with people that truly understand the chaos I deal with everyday.

So on that note...Hi all!