Master of my Seas Journal

[Papa Coco]

I'm feeling proud of you.

MANY people are stuck in bad relationships, but not that many of us wake up so clearly and end them like you just did. And I feel like you've not only ended this relationship, but you've gained an ability to see through people like him now and won't likely ever let yourself slip into another one to replace him. That's why I'm so proud of you right now. You've been awakened to the games of the narcissist.  And I LOVE your decree that he has until Tuesday to get the phone thing fixed. Hold that deadline. Creeps like him always use confusion to make you keep giving them stuff. "Oh but this..." "Oh but that..."  It will go on for as long as you allow it to. And you aren't allowing it go on past Tuesday.  You owe him...NOTHING!

Your memory wall idea sounds great. Reclaim your space. It's your home now. YOURS.

And if it takes a while to get his voice out of your head, that's okay. It took me about a year to get my family's judgmental, abusive voices out of my head. One thing I did, and this sounds so incredibly silly that it's really quite embarrassing to say publicly, but I think it's important so, here it goes. I went ahead and pretended my family was witches. They were inside my head because they had "mystical evil powers." I knew that wasn't true, but it's what it felt like. For 50 years, their unquenchable need to correct or judge or condemn everything I ever said or did, was so embedded in my head, that pretending they were witches was no stretch to my imagination. So, to exorcise these demons out of my head I would go into my bathroom, sit on the floor and pour a rim of salt in a circle around my body. I would sit inside this circle of salt, pretending I was safe. And I'm not kidding...it REALLY helped. I knew it was a game that I was playing with my imagination, but it truly gave me a sense of safety, and made a noticeable difference in how quickly I was able to get their voices out of my head. I'm a real believer in adding body movement to thought. By sitting in the circle of salt, exorcising their evil spirits out of my head, I was putting physical action to my thought process, and that always helps me learn. When I was a teacher, I kept toys on the tables so that the engineers in the classroom could fiddle with them while I taught. We called that kinesthetic learning. Your action of putting up your memory wall is a kinesthetic action that's helping your brain release the hold these narcissists have had over you for far too long.

Today, a decade later, I do still find myself remembering their abuse several times per day, but these days I don't let that stop me from doing things my way. Now, each time their voices try to mock me, I just look up toward the sky and say out loud, "Thank you so much for getting that B**** out of my life!" Usually, I even chuckle a bit.  So their scars are still in my head, but I'm not controlled by them anymore.

I am excited to hear more success stories from you as we go into the future. As you put more and more distance behind you from people like him. No kidding, now that I can see what a narcissist is, they are losing all their control over me. Awareness is what it took to cure me from the next villain. I've been villain-free ever since. I hope the same for you!

[Papa Coco]

I just opened a post from Dollyvee. She shares some really good youtube videos. I just watched this one, and it's PERFECT for people like us who will always feel anxiety around our narcissists. This is a really good video.  Thanks to Dolly for sharing it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vmKnOhdCH0

[CrackedIce]

Loved reading the good news!  The memory wall is such a huge thing, and I certainly resonated with the feelings you had putting it up - trying to justify spending time for yourself, like there's always something else more important you should be doing for someone else, like you had to have a reason for doing it.  I'm glad you were able to take the time for yourself and build a resource for your self-care you can rely on going forward.  Congratulations!

Hope you have a great week!

[Master of my sea]

Thank you all again for your overwhelming support. This may be a virtual space but I feel like I am truly part of a community here It's always refreshing to come here and be reminded that there a good and genuine people in this world

Papa Coco what an amazing idea with the salt circle. I'm so glad that you were able to create a ritual to banish their voices. I don't know what will banish him but I'm sure I'll find a way. Thank you for sharing that link too. I will check it out.

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I was really emotional and I felt like I was grieving. I was bursting into tears at the slightest thing and I just didn't have any motivation to do anything. But it wasn't the loss of the relationship or anything else. I was mourning the loss of myself. Of who I was, who I could have been. The loss of all that time and energy that I invested into a fraud, that I invested into a life that could never be.
I've lost all my passion, all of my confidence and any sense of self worth that I had clawed back. I was never given the chance to recover from what I had been through previously before I was trapped in a different situation. He pulled me from one abusive situation, into his own. I didn't stand a chance.
But I really did feel like I was grieving the loss of someone so close to me. It was powerful. It's a real challenge when I'm struggling to regulate my own emotions and my sons are all over the place too. I wasn't on top form for him at all yesterday and it was tough for both of us.

Today has been better. We have finally been able to get out for a while, the weather has been so poor that we have been stuck indoors. Going for a walk and running a couple of errands lifted my mood immensely. Just the sun being out has helped. My emotions are less overwhelming today. We have both been able to cure that cabin fever we were feeling.
I know I need to take each day as it comes and some will be good and some, not so good. I'm hoping the not so good days will be easier to manage now though. I am able to let myself feel what I need to, to do whatever I need to, to get through that particular moment. I don't feel the pressure to be ok and hide that side of myself. If I need to cry I can and not feel silly for it. My son has shown me more compassion in some of those moments than I saw from my ex in well over a year. Says a lot about a person when a child under 5 has more compassion, in my opinion.

The mantra these days seems to be all about getting 'back to yourself'. That is something I don't want to do. I don't want to 'get back to myself', that person isn't real. She is a chameleon that is an expert at changing herself to fit in with others regardless of herself and her feelings and needs. An expert shape-shifter. I am instead, very much in the mindset of discovering myself. I have never had a true opportunity to really learn about me and who I actually am. I just want to spend my time being me, whoever she is. Hopefully it will be a fun experience I just want to try and experience the world, for the first time ever, without any trauma. Without someone deliberately causing me harm or having insidious intentions.
I want to look at the world through my sons eyes, as if I am discovering it for the first time. In a way I am. I am hopefully entering a world I have never known before. One full of light and hope and happiness. This is where I will learn who I am, what I like and what I want and need.

It's scary because it's unchartered territory and I feel like I'm going in blind. But at least I won't be fumbling around in the dark this time. My eyes will be wide open, I see so much more clearly now.

[milkandhoney11]

I am so sorry to hear how much you were struggling yesterday.
I know this terrible feeling when all your confidence, self-worth, passion and hope suddenly leave your body all too well. I have been stuck in it for weeks when that incident happened which cost me not only my job but also the person I love. So, I just want to say that I really feel for you in this situation. It is a terrible thing to go through that can make it very hard to function.

That said, I do love your resolution of trying to see the world through your son's eyes. It is such a wonderful idea that speaks of hope and courage and I wish so much that you will indeed be able to find a world full of light and hope and happiness, the way you described. It's what you deserve and what your son deserves and so I hope that you will be able to leave the darkness behind and discover that there are better times waiting for you.

The mantra these days seems to be all about getting 'back to yourself'. That is something I don't want to do. I don't want to 'get back to myself', that person isn't real. She is a chameleon that is an expert at changing herself to fit in with others regardless of herself and her feelings and needs. An expert shape-shifter.

When I was younger I used to love this mantra "finding a way back to yourself". It seemed to suggest that I could somehow undo all the pain and trauma I had experienced and rid my heart of all the scarred tissue that had build up around it through years of abuse. Now I understand that this isn't possible because the trauma is a part of me, whether I want it or not. The good and the bad are all part of my life, the same way as all emotions are part of my experience (whether they are labelled as positive or negative). So much like you I have stopped trying to find a way back to myself. This would just mean that some parts of myself are somehow "wrong" or "not okay" or "less worthy" but I don't want to keep thinking and acting like this any longer. It may have been what my parents made me believe or what a lot of new age gurus suggest, but I don't really think that is good advice. We are all wonderful, multi-faceted, complex beings and we deserve not only to discover and accept all the different parts of us but we also deserve to find that all of these parts hold miracles.

I don't remember where I read it (it might well have been on this forum) but somebody once said: all the things you dislike about yourself and that you call "vices" are really hidden strength, just with the volume turned up a little too high. So, rather than trying to cut these completely out of ourselves we should just try to explore them a little more so that we can adjust the volume and find their melody.

[Master of my sea]

M&H - Thank you for the empathy and compassion. That was a hard day but things have been steadily improving for me as each day goes by

One of the things I struggle with, when it comes to the whole 'getting back to yourself' mantra is that for lots of people, like us here, there is no person to get back to. There was no 'us before', there is just what we had to be in order to survive.. For me, it is all about learning and discovering. Not re-learning and re-discovering. There is no me to get back to, no one has ever even met, me. I haven't. For some it will very much be the case of 'getting back to themselves' but for such a large chunk of people, that just isn't the case at all.

We are all wonderful, multi-faceted, complex beings and we deserve not only to discover and accept all the different parts of us but we also deserve to find that all of these parts hold miracles.

I love how you put this. Beautifully said. I am going to remember this when I'm feeling, less than worthy, shall we say.

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Everything went to plan on Tuesday, no problems at all. I am now completely and utterly....free!!!! And it feels just wonderful
There has been a shift in my mindset and mood and everyday, I feel a little bit better. A little less emotional. I'm noticing all sorts of things as well. A lot of them to do with me being able to do what I want, without criticism, without worrying about upsetting someone.
I did a food shop yesterday and I ordered all the stuff that I want to eat, that I haven't been able to eat for a long time due to the people I have been in relationships with not liking the food. I haven't enjoyed cooking for a long time, it became a chore and a real challenge for me. I am honestly looking forward to trying out some new recipes and actually enjoying my food, for the first time in forever.
It's great noticing all these little things that are just making life a more pleasant experience but there is one feeling I cannot escape at the moment. Everything is peaceful, it's been peaceful for a few weeks now and I'm feeling less anxious in general but, I cannot escape this sense, this fear that, at any moment the peace is going to be shattered. That it's all just going to fall apart and I'll realise that the peace wasn't real, just another illusion. That's the way it's always been. These moments of peace are just the calm before the next storm. I feel like I am waiting around for it all to go wrong. There isn't really anything that can go wrong if I'm honest with myself but that is what makes this feeling so frustrating. Logically I know this. The problems and stress were all stemming from my ex and now he isn't here, those have gone away but that doesn't stop me being constantly feeling like I need to be prepared for something to go wrong.
It's going to take some work and some time to get past that. Conflict, stress and aggression have been a constant throughout my whole life, it feels bizarre now that isn't the case. It almost doesn't feel right. I know that probably sounds really silly but that's the only way I can think to explain it. The lack of conflict seems, not wrong but definitely not right. It's very odd.

I've been making an active point over the last few days to really focus on some self-care. I haven't really looked after myself well for a little while now, I just haven't had the energy or motivation to do so. I have pushed myself to do these things even when I really haven't felt like it. Each time I am glad I did because ultimately, I always feel just a little bit better. I'm a little more productive every day, I'm sleeping a little better at night and just feeling a little more alert and less dissociative.
I'm just trying to enjoy the calm and the peace for now (especially as it feels so fragile). Really use this time to recoup from months of total emotional exhaustion.

[Papa Coco]

Master of My Sea,

Congratulations on being totally done with him. I even feel uplifted here by what's happened with you there.

Your post of two days ago, Jan 9, hit me hard.  As you may know, I just learned the word Weltschmerz. I've been doing some light reading on the topic.

The way I understand it,
Weltschmerz is described as a type of melancholy depression that comes over us when the world around us doesn't turn out the way we had expected it to.

In your post you say you are grieving the loss of yourself. 

Weltschmerz is a big problem for me because I grieve the loss of the life I had expected to live.

When you say you don't miss him, but you grieve the loss of yourself, I wonder if what you're feeling is more like what I'm feeling. Now that I've gone No Contact with my entire family, I find myself depressed and grieving all the time—because I miss who I had believed they were right up until the end, which is when my eyes were opened and I saw them for the monsters they really were. My expectations of being loved in a big family caused my grieving. In reality they were never good people. But in my head and heart, I didn't see it that way until the end. Now I grieve, constantly, because I lost the people who I'd spent a lifetime pretending to belong with.

On the surface, it's confusing. Many times per day I look up to the sky and thank God above that those nasty monsters are gone forever. But in the same life, on the same day, I miss them terribly.

Weltschmerz fixes the confusion. I get it now. I'm depressed because I'm not living the loving, fun-filled life I had expected to live. I mourn the loss of people who never existed.

I think of it this way:  I once put smiley faces on monsters and fell in love with the smiley faces. Then I left the monsters, and now I grieve the loss of the smiley faces. That's how this all makes sense to me now. I didn't really lose myself, I lost the life I thought I would be living.

I've always been lonely. Most people with C-PTSD feel lonely all the time. But when I was a part of that big nasty family, I could hide the loneliness and trick myself into believing I was a part of a big, loving group. With them gone I'm stuck with my loneliness now. I can't hide from it anymore. And the solution to go get them back is NOT a good solution.

My Weltschmerz goes beyond my FOO too. My retirement isn't what I'd hoped it would be. I had always planned on my retirement being filled with love and grandkids, and friends, and mall-walking groups, and breakfasts with friends every week.... Instead, I sit alone at the beach, usually on my computer or at the Jigsaw puzzle table.

     Weltschmerz: I sit around the house feeling ashamed of myself for not having more fun. I'm not fulfilling my responsibilities to make my 60 years of expectations come to life. I'm not riding the bikes, playing in the kayaks, meeting friends for lunch or breakfast, holding big bbqs for family and friends. I feel ashamed of myself for not doing any of this. But that's the Weltschmerz talking. It's the melancholy depression that comes over me because my current life isn't matching my expectations of what it was supposed to be.

Those expectations were a part of me. They outlined the life I believed I was going to grow into.  I have a great life and no reason to complain. But I need to get past my expectations and accept my family and friends and world for what they really are, not for what I had once hoped they would all be.

I wonder, if you think about it, do you think you are actually missing yourself, or is this more like Weltschmerz, where you're missing the fact that you didn't find the love you thought you'd found in your former relationships?

I know you're in a glorious position of being able to take over all the space in your house now. He's gone. His junk is gone. And your home is YOUR home now. And I know that there's wonderful excitement in that. But if it's not how you had expected to live, maybe that's why the grieving is happening. Raising a child alone is not what you had planned on doing. It's perfectly okay. It's WAY better than raising him with a nasty stepdad, but it's not what you were planning on doing all your life.

At first it seems confusing, that his leaving is a great thing, and yet it feels lonely. But when we think in terms of Weltschmerz, and how it is the act of grieving the loss of our expectations, then it makes perfect sense.

For me, I need to dig myself up and out of this depression. My first order of business is NOT to go and reestablish relationships with the nasty people who I tried for 50 years to love, but for me, really allowing the melancholy depression to be what it is, and, in my case, I need to stop owning it like it's who I am.

It's not who I am, it's a nervous condition that was brought on by my spending a lifetime of believing in false expectations, and now grieving the loss of the life I had thought I was going to live.

To end this in a positive light, I think you made a powerful good move getting him out of your home and your life. The MOMS who I know via these posts is a strong, intelligent, well-spoken woman with an amazing little man to raise. Having narcissistic stepdads NO LONGER in the picture is a great step forward for you and your little man. I hope you and I both, are able to find our way up and out of this grieving. Cutting the bad out of our lives is the right thing to do. We need to now allow ourselves to enjoy the new-improved, better life that we've finally given to ourselves.

I'm always excited when I find a label that fits what I'm going through. Learning this word, Weltschmerz, has given me some power over it. I'm going to bring it with me to my Tuesday Therapy appointment. Hopefully my therapist can help me find some resources to find a way to stop living in the false hope of lifelong expectations, and start actually enjoying the REAL world AS IT IS around me.  My life is not bad. But I mourn like it is. That's because I'm mourning the life I had expected to have while struggling to enjoy the perfectly good one that's right in front of me right now.

We can do this!  We have good lives.

Stupid old Weltschmerz.

[Hope67]

I've been making an active point over the last few days to really focus on some self-care. I haven't really looked after myself well for a little while now, I just haven't had the energy or motivation to do so. I have pushed myself to do these things even when I really haven't felt like it. Each time I am glad I did because ultimately, I always feel just a little bit better. I'm a little more productive every day, I'm sleeping a little better at night and just feeling a little more alert and less dissociative.
I'm just trying to enjoy the calm and the peace for now (especially as it feels so fragile). Really use this time to recoup from months of total emotional exhaustion.

This sounds so great, and I am glad that you're able to enjoy some calm and peace, and recouping after the emotional exhaustion you've been through.   

Hope 

[CrackedIce]

Hello Master of my Seas!

I love how you put it - 'learning and discovering'.  I think so many of us with CPTSD effectively "turn off" our true selves to deal with the trauma we've been put through, and every day we had to do that makes it harder and harder to find that switch to get back to where we were.  I find when I'm truly relaxed, and safe, and feel supported, I act almost childlike in a way - almost back to the age where I had to start hiding, as if my brain wants to pick up where it left off.

I also resonate with that uncomfortable feeling that at some point there's going to be a reckoning... it's a hard feeling to shake, especially if in the past those feelings of safety and trust have backfired and been turned around on you.  I hope the next week goes well and you were able to have some delicious meals, guilt free  

[Master of my sea]

Hi everyone. I hope you are all safe and well.
I would like to apologise for my unplanned and unexpected absence. I ended up going down the rabbit hole and spiralling. Quite badly.
I completely withdrew, even from my Mum. It was a dark period and at times frightening. My symptoms were horrendous and I was hardly functioning. I had to stop journalling and come away from all things mental health for quite a while. I haven't started journalling again. I found myself fixating and obsessing over the fact that I just wasn't getting better. I think I made the right decision.
My son has been having a lot of behavioural issues that we have been trying to work thrrough. Fortunately his nursery is amazing and have been so supportive. They jumped into action when I asked for their help and made referrals whilst I did the same at home. We are slowly making some progress but at least the support is there.

I also ventured into an online game. I downloaded it just to give it a go and have ended up meeting some of the most amazing people, from all over the world. I talk to some daily and have made some really dear friends. It's amazing. Some days, and nights, I would be lost without them.
I had some really dark times and one person in particular has been wonderful. I realised that when I talk with them, I am unapolagetically myself. All my weird, quirkiness comes out and I'm not laughed at or made to feel sill for just being me. in fact it is celebrated and they join in. We are very similar. It's refeshing. I like the person that is emerging. She is fun.

I have spent a lot of time listening to music. One artist in partcular and I really want to share it with you. I have been listening to Citizen Soldier. He has PTSD and his music is all about his journey. He penned his first song, Let It Burn, when he was a patient in a psychiatric unit after a suicide attempt. His songs reflect not only the darkest of days but the healing days, the days we feel empowered. And the day we TAKE our power back! He has become an inspiration to me. He survived and not only that, he is LIVING!
Some songs that have really helped me (and some even saved my life some nights) are, Save Your Story, Sacred, Irreplaceable, Hallelujah (I'm Not Dead), Afterlife, Tattoos. If I can pass this on and he can help someone else like he has me, then he is succeeding in his goal to be a voice for our hidden stories.

I made a conscious decision a little while back, to no longer carry the shame that does not belong to me. to no longer let my life be poisoned by the anger and the hatred towards the people who have hurt me so. They will hold no power over me anymore. My life is mine for the VERY first time and the world is my oyster. Me and my boy can go anywhere and do anything.
Since that day, my symptoms have improved drastically. I am far less anxious, I haven't had a PA in weeks. FBs? Far less frequent and my recovery from them, shorter.
i feel like I am finally becoming myself and I'll be honest....I llike her!

i am not sure how regularly I will be posting but I hope that, although I know there will be bad days and I still have a journey ahead of me, I continue to carry this strength and confidence through those days and continue to remind myself, there is an end.

I refuse to be defined by my past any longer! 

[Papa Coco]

I am SO glad to hear from you.

I've missed you online.

I believe, with you, that your absence was appropriate. You took care of yourself, and you're taking care of your little man. Having you come back and give us this report of your wellbeing is a gift. Thank you. And congratulations on finding all those new friends online via the game you downloaded.

I hope you get a nice stretch of happiness now. And I hope the best for your son. I know how difficult it is to help and support a child who acts out. They don't understand it themselves, so they don't know how to ask for help. I'm so glad to hear you've got a daycare that helps you with helping him, rather than just telling you to take him out and bring him back when he gets better. It takes a village to raise a child. And you have found supportive people to help raise your little man.

I'm sorry for the darkness you just went through.  It sounds like it was pretty intense. But for now, welcome back. Thanks for posting. You've given me something to smile about today.

[Master of my sea]

Papa Coco I have to say it's lovely to your name! I have thought of you often and hope you are well.

I agree, my absence and isolation was exactly what I needed. And with nobody pushing me and forcing me to interact with the world before I was ready, I have been able to do some real work on myself in that time. People often immediately think that isolation is bad and sometimes it is, but sometimes it is completely necessary.

I am dealing with some stressors, that previously would have really messed me up. My anxiety would have been through the roof and I would have been at panic stations. Yes it is still stressful but I feel more able to deal with that stress. Again there isn't anyone making it worse and not allowing me time to process and think of how to handle things properly. And I can be stressed, I don't have to pretend that I am not to make someone else feel better all the time. It's allowing me to actually feel and process my emotions instead of them getting ontop of me and out of control.
My life is very stagnant at the moment, I don't do very much. Yet, I feel so much more free than I have ever felt. I have no one physically around me but I don't feel lonely in the same way as I did. Do I miss having company? Sure. But sometimes no company is the better, safer option.

I had a member of my family reach out to me this week. I have to say, I haven't even opened their message. I feel bad because that has probably hurt them but I am not ready for that conversation or to rekindle that relationship. I may not ever and they will have to respect that, if that is the decision I make. I will not let anyone ever guilt me into doing something I don't want to again. No matter how much they have helped me throughout my life. I refuse to be a slave to the judgements of others. It was a very nice message I recieved, just not one that I wanted to respond to.

I am still struggling with sleep, regularly being awake for veery long stretches of time but at least I'm not having nightmares when I do sleep. Things are far from perfect and I still have a long way to go but I'm making progress all the time and that's what matters.

[Papa Coco]

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on a pretty difficult time in life.  I'm sorry to hear about the stressors but encouraged to hear how you're dealing with them.

I'm SO glad to hear you feel free to be yourself, regardless of people saying you "should" do this, or you "should" do that.

There's a popular saying here in the US right now. "You be you. I'll be me." It fits well here.

If anyone from my family of origin ever tries to contact me in any way, I plan to not respond, no matter how innocent their connection is. For one thing, the narcissists in the center of my FOO would find out someone had contact with me, and that would put me back on their radar. The sociopaths/narcissists in my family used gossip, lies, behind-the-back rumors to make everyone gang up on just one person. It's like it was a sport to them. So I'd be attacked by innocent relatives who believed the lies that were told about me so often that I now never want any of my relatives to ever talk to me again.

I've been lied to and I've been lied about. The lies about me did the most damage. I have a statement that I made up: If just ONE family member breaches my hull, the whole family will flood in and sink my ship. So screw them all. They once made me feel like it was me against all of them, and today, I am holding to that. They are all dangerous. So they are all blocked.

I walked away. It's done. No go-backs for me.

I'm in full support of everything you said in this post. And I keep you in my thoughts often and hope that you are doing well.

Sometimes I think that after we turn away from our old lives of being everyone's bi$$h, there is a reasonably long stall where we just lock ourselves away and heal. One day, when we feel as far away from the past as we'll get, our new life, and our new social group will form. It'll happen when we're ready.

So for now: You be you. I'll be me.

[Master of my sea]

I think I have just finally gotten tired of trying to be something and someone I'm not. I'm tired of being tired. Why shouldn't I be allowed to discover who I am and be myself, just like everyone else? Well I've decided I am allowed and the person emerging is strong and empowered. She is freely quirky with people and is far less afraid of holding boundaries. She is the person that all of those who have hurt me, were afraid of. She is who they kept down and buried for years and now I'm setting her free.

Even my refelction is changing to me. For years I have looked in the mirror and seen 15 year old me. The girl so lost and alone. So afraid and with no one to truly turn to. I still don't see the almost 30 year old woman but I don't see the teenager anymore. I don't feel that way, or not as intensly as I did. My perspective of myself is slowly changing.

I feel I am developing a routine to help handle things when I am triggered. I am less reactive. Today has been a prime example. a couple of friends made a 'joke' about domestic violence, followed by a ptsd comment. Now I did not find this funny and I made that perfectly clear! I hate this. Even without my own history, 'jokes' like that are never appropriate and are always in poor taste, in my opinion. Unfortunately, what was said pretty much described my situation at times and triggered some FBs. Now, a few months ago, I would have likely completely lost my temper with them and ended up having a PA and being in a real state. Today, I was able to voice my displeasure in a calm way and then remove myself from the situation and go and do what I needed to do, to get through the FBs.
I'll admit, I feel very drained this evening and quite numb. But I know and accept it as what it is. Part of my process. I am not a nervous wreck like I usually am. And now I have systems and routines in place to help me get through. It doesn't change the unpleasantness of it all but it certainly makes dealing with it easier.

I listen to music daily now. It's become a therapy to me. I am enjoying my type of music and have a friend now that has the same taste as me. So we often share music with each other and is regularly a topic of conversation with us. It's just another small thing that I haven't been able to do for years and I am thoroughly enjoying getting back in touch with music that is important to me. Also being introduced to artists previously unkonown to me.
It is truly amazing the things we take for granted without realising. The simple act of listening to music I enjoy has been lost to me for so long that now I have it back, I couldn't imagine not being able to again. It has given me a stronger appreciation I think.

I am trying to get into a routine of, once or twice a week, ensuring I take time out to do something creative. I find I am at my calmest when I am drawing, painiting or knitting. These are moments of genuine peace, where my mind stops racing and I just lose myself in what I am doing. It has been a challenge at times because I try and push myself to do these things during an episode. These are times I need the calm the most but, they are also the times I find it hard to do something for myself. I usually don't feel 'worthy' in these moments and undeserving of peace.
Tonight I am going to do some drawing. Try and draw my attention away from dwelling on the FBs. I may be able to, I may not. If I can't then so be it. At least I came on here and released some thoughts. Some form of self care has been done 
I still have to remind myself that me time is important, especially on days like today.

So with that i am going to sign off. I send you all love and support and would like to gently remind you, you have survived 100% of your worst days. You've got this and you are not alone 

[Moondance]

Thank you for sharing your journey and healing. 

I find your kindness, gentleness and acceptance of yourself admirable.

Wishing you more of what you have found that works for you.

virtual hug if that is acceptable to you,  If not please disregard.