Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much    I always appreciate your hugs very much. 

Potential Trigger Warnings with this entry, as I feel sure I'll mention some things that could be triggering - related to CSA, and I'm not sure what I'm going to say, but wanted to put a warning, just incase.

20th May 2020
I have been experiencing a lot of angst within myself - I've been going through that for the last couple of days, and it's like waves of turmoil, and conflict between parts of me.  I felt my anxiety rising in the last hour, so I came here to write and try to get it out.  I already feel slightly calmer as I saw a couple of things people here had shared, and just reacting to that broke my train of anxiety for a bit.

Something that Notalone wrote - somewhere else - about how parts for her become active at night - that resonated with me, as I feel that happens too - and I'm not in control of what they do at night, and often in the morning I feel an intense overhang of whatever emotion they've left me with.

I've also been noticing that there's a part that 'rubs out memories' and ironically whilst I've been reading the couple of books on incest (a topic I have previously never been able to bring myself to read, as I've been avoidant of it) - but the effect seems to be that whilst I relate to so many things that the people say in the books, and it makes so much sense and I relate so much - I've also managed to 'forget' sexual things related to past partners I've had, which I would normally have been able to remember.  So now I can't remember things - things that I think I should be able to remember.  It's as if that part of me wants to erase any memories of anything sexual somehow.  I wonder if this happens much to people generally - having a part that 'rubs things out'.

I'm feeling as if it's a good thing that my brain worked that way in childhood, so that I couldn't recall things, and dissociated off - because I know the terror and fright feelings that I can feel sometimes, and they are scary and I wonder what's related to them, but am I keen to find out for certain, I'm not so sure anymore.  The fact is that I've got through those times, and whilst I'm left with resulting thoughts and feelings, I'm ok.

At this point, my mind has gone blank - so I'll write about other things that have impacted on me today.

I've been hugely triggered today by things that have happened with online interactions I've had when trying to communicate with someone - and I've felt judged by them in a major way, and it's made me feel very small inside and as if there's an adolescent part of me that wants to fight back, and tell that person what I think, but I'm aware that I might lose my temper and say something I would regret.  So I've not responded at all - and I feel as if I've been frightened into a submission and am unable to speak.

Whenever I've been handling a knife in the kitchen today - there's a part of me that tells me I could just plunge the knife into my stomach - I know I wouldn't act on this suggestion, but I often get that sort of subliminal message from some part of me that wants to harm me.  I had a memory of when I was a teenager and I wanted to kill myself - but in a very dramatic way - with spikes through my stomach from a railing - I realise this is bizarre, but it's like the Tarot card of lots of swords in the back of someone, except that they are through my stomach, and I wonder what message that is - from which part, and why.

My computer just took an accidental screen saver of this page, and has stored it on my drive, and I wonder - will someone somehow get to see what I wrote (i.e. someone irl who would then think I was crazy) - that's a part of me that dislikes when I am more open about my parts and my thoughts and my feelings, and she doesn't want me to express things like this.

I feel there's a very panicky and distraught part of myself, and I try to comfort her. 

I related to something Blueberry had been saying about having things she wanted to do, things she wanted to tidy etc, and trying to grapple with those things, and I thought - I relate so much to that, I feel like I'm forever faced with trying to sort out various things, and tidy things, and clear things up, but I never feel like I make much progress with those things.  I admire Blueberry as she does tackle things, but speaks of how she struggles with them sometimes, and I relate to that very much.

I've wanted to say things to others in their diaries and posts - but I've not felt able to express myself - and often I feel as if when I see people interacting, that somehow they're 'grown-ups' and I'm too young to cope with interacting there - which makes me wonder at those times whether I'm blended with younger parts too much. 

I don't think I've got dissociative identity disorder, but then I wonder - because I do blend sometimes, and currently - this past couple of days, I feel overwhelmed by parts - but I think that reading the books about Incest have evoked a strong part/s of me that have been dormant for a while, and they are awoken by the fact I've been facing these issues, rather than being too frightened before and avoiding them.

I have to face something tomorrow that is stressing me out - and I have also been finding a relationship with my partner's relative to be stressful too - she had mentioned to him that I was part of 'their family' now, and that freaked me out, because I felt as if they were trying to 'stifle' and 'take me over' - and I want to be free - I'm estranged from my FOO, and I don't want to be 'owned' by another family unit.

Anyway, I can't write more just now, as my partner is around and wants me to chat with him.  So I'm going to go now.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

It's interesting that you have a part that rubs out memories. I have missing memories too, and I've found that they are often held by parts who have been exiled by protectors. I wonder if these protectors are also trying to run out memories.

I hope it goes ok tomorrow. Thinking of you, and sending much love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

I read all your post, Hope.

** TW violence **
I can relate to your knife incident. I used to see pictures in my mind of me using the knife on my fingers when chopping vegetables. Like you, I never would have done any of these things that appeared before my mind's eye, but it still wasn't very pleasant, putting it mildly. It doesn't seem to happen anymore. I think maybe because of general trauma healing that's been going on over the past couple of years. Some symptoms are reduced or have stopped altogether.

** End TW **

Thank you for your comments on me. I really don't feel as if I achieve much. Among other things it looks as if somebody emptied a whole bunch of bags all over my apartment - papers and books and who knows what lying around all over the place. And there's a constant list of things to do. That can make me feel overwhelmed, often. It helps me to know that you relate so I'm not alone in this.

I wish you all the best for the situation tomorrow. 

[Not Alone]

I also can relate to your knife incident. I haven't experienced it in a long time, but have had those type of thoughts in the past when working in the kitchen with a knife.

Regarding the comment by your partner's relative, I hear that you felt freaked out because of not wanting to be "taken over." I hope the comment was meant in the spirit of love and welcome, not oppression.

[Jazzy]

Hi Hope! I hope you've been doing alright recently. I read your last post, and I can understand how those things are upsetting. Social interaction can be really difficult when we are so stressed from the things we've had to face. I can relate to some of what you have written as well, especially the disturbing thoughts in the kitchen. I have struggled with that for a long time. It really bothers me that I have such thoughts in the first place.

I also have difficulty sharing on here. Sometimes I feel like I don't really fit in, or just lack the social skills to properly connect. Sometimes I get worried that someone I know personally might find out who I am here. I think that's pretty common though, so I do my best to push those thoughts aside and just post anyway.

Overall, it sounds like you've been pushing yourself to deal with more. It's great that you're continuing to grow and heal. It can be really difficult to find the right pace, but I hope it goes well for you as time goes on. All the best!

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - thank you so much for the hug, and for sharing what you said about the protector parts holding onto memories of exiled parts - this was very meaningful to me, and makes sense.     Even as I write that, I see that I've written it differently to what you said, and so I need to think more about this, as it's got many meanings within it, and I need to look at them.  However often my parts aren't distinct, they are blurry and hard to differentiate.  I need to explore more my concepts and understandings of them, and make sense of them. 

Hi Blueberry - **TW responding to your comments about violence and the knife **  Thank you so much for mentioning your experiences relating to the knife incident - I found it interesting that my own earlier experience was similar - it used to be around knives when chopping veggies and involved fear of cutting my fingers - and indeed I did 'accidentally' cut into my finger once when I was a child.  It's been interesting and disturbing to me how this has subsequently morphed into the flashes of considering the knife thrust into the body (stomach area), and I do wonder what that is about for me.  I am glad to hear that some of your symptoms have reduced and indeed that some have stopped altogether - that is very positive.  **End TW**

Blueberry - I also feel as if someone has tipped lots of stuff all over the floor in my living spaces - I was tidying things yesterday - so it's looking better today, but yesterday I felt over-whelmed by it!   It really does help me to know I'm not alone in that - thank you for sharing your experiences.   

Hi Jazzy - Thank you so much for your supportive comments here in my Journal - I really appreciate that you shared your thoughts on the disturbing thoughts in the kitchen as well - as I struggle with having those thoughts, but I do acknowledge that many people have disturbing thoughts, and rarely act on them, so I'm hopeful I won't act on my disturbing thoughts. 

Jazzy, you mentioned that you also have difficulty sharing on here - I'm glad that you push through those thoughts and set them aside, as I really am glad you're around.  I'm glad you post, because I've valued what you say, and thank you for taking the time to comment and reply here. 

25th May 2020
So, I have had a difficult few days, with what I can only describe as more surfacing - and facing parts of myself which had potentially been exiled before, and are beginning to make themselves known to me.  But it feels hard to describe them, and it seems like a bit of a foggy soup of feelings and thoughts, so I am going to try to get clarity and work through these things, and make some sense of them.

But it's a long weekend here at the moment, and the sun is shining, and I know that I might have a bit more time available this afternoon to think about things, as there isn't any pressure on me now to do anything social - or with any people expecting things of me, and that feels like a good space to be able to allow some contemplation.  Last week I felt over-whelmed by so many things.

I've got a children's book to read this afternoon - 'The Secret Garden' - I'm looking forward to reading it.  So maybe that's what I'll be doing. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i'm not surprised you've got stuff surfacing and are feeling generally overwhelmed at times.  you mentioned reading incest books, something you haven't done before, and i wouldn't doubt that's bringing a lot of activity to your mind, which can feel overwhelming all by itself.  i hope you can take it a little easy on yourself, maybe take a bit of a break from reading, let your mind settle, and maybe you can get some energy back, feel less stressed.

sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion - i know those knife thoughts, too.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks, it makes sense that I need some respite after reading those books about incest - I read them quite quickly, and it has definitely caused a big reaction within me, in relation to different parts.  Thanks so much for the lovely hug, and thank you for what you said about the knife thoughts - realising that so many people relate to that here really helps me feel it's not so unusual as I had believed it to be before.  Thanks 

Hi Notalone,
I realise I didn't reply to what you wrote - and I wanted to say that I very much appreciate what you said about the knife thoughts, it has helped me to hear others say they have similar thoughts - I had felt more alone in that previously, and had worried about it.  I feel much less alone in it now, and find it easier to cope with. 

Also, Notalone, thank you for what you said about the person commenting about family - I am not sure what the person's meaning is - and I don't know how much they meant their comment in a positive way, or whether there might have been some manipulation and potential oppression/pressure within it - and I don't know how much I perhaps put my angst regarding my own FOO onto other relationships sometimes - sometimes it's hard to separate these things, and work out what feeling comes from where and whom.

I hate how I start off writing and then feel tied up with the words - but I hope you know what I meant by what I said...

25th May 2020
I managed to read a little of 'The Secret Garden' today - but only a few pages, and didn't feel able to concentrate properly on it.  It seemed quite a dark book - didn't realise it was about cholera deaths causing the young heroine of the book to be orphaned - I've seen the film of 'The Secret Garden' and didn't notice that part.  What interests me about this is that in this book, and in 'The Little Princess' by Frances Hodgson Burnett - there's similar themes - the children in those tales are quite lonely and oppressed and sad in some way, but seem to have a feeling that they are 'special' at the same time, and I really relate to that kind of mixed feeling within myself as a child.  Lonely, misunderstood, oppressed and yet feeling that sometimes I was given gifts and treated as being special. 

I have had a headache for the past 3 days - it comes and goes, but it's there, and it feels like a migraine kind of feeling on the left-hand side of my head - I hope it goes away soon.  I feel like it's a much younger part of me that physically hurts - and hurts my head - I've felt it before, and I realise I've probably pushed myself too much, in terms of looking at issues that I've previously avoided, but I do feel the time was right to read more about those issues, and I'm glad that I did. 

But I'm going to try to rest more and take a bit of a break from reading heavy literature for a few days - and so that's my plan at this point.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Yay, for healing and breaks and breaks from healing!  ❤️

[Not Alone]

What you said makes sense.

I like "The Secret Garden," but it does have some parts that could be disturbing.

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much    I feel free for deciding to take a break from reading heavy literature - it feels like I'm on a holiday today - although I have been trying to stop myself from reading news items, which are heavy in a different way. 

Hi Notalone - yes, I think there are heavy parts in that book 'The Secret Garden' as well - but I know I like the story - and the freedom of escaping into the Secret Garden itself, so I'm hoping it will be like that when I read it.    to you.

26th May 2020
I have noticed that a lovely member of the forum whom I like a lot (Sceal) is going to be leaving - and I am not good with 'Goodbyes' as it's triggering for me, but I will hope to write something to Sceal in the next few days, as I want to say how much I wish her well for the future, and how much I've appreciated and valued everything she's done.  She's been so supportive to me during the time I've been here - which is a long while now!  For some reason I can write this, here in my diary, but the thought of saying it directly to her, makes me scared to say the wrong thing, or there'll be part of me that will feel distraught - as Goodbyes and transitions are triggering for me.

My headache is better today - I am relieved.  It hurt a lot the last three days - it wasn't there all the time, but it was around quite a lot.  But today my head feels better. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

So I'm reading 'The Secret Garden' and two parts really resonate with me, from the perspective of the young orphaned girl - and I wanted to quote them, to remember them "...she had begun to feel lonely and to think queer thoughts which were new to her.  She had begun to wonder why she had never seemed to belong to anyone even when her father and mother had been alive.  Other children seemed to belong to their fathers and mothers, but she had never seemed to really be anyone's little girl... no one had taken any notice of her."  and then another section which is "She frowned because she remembered that her father and mother had never talked to her about anything in particular.  Certainly they had never told her things."
I imagine how this must have felt to me, when I was Little Hope, and the fact that this character in the book I liked was similar to myself - in terms of feeling lonely and isolated and having no feeling of bonding with her parents - really like they just didn't care about her/me.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Hope, I wish I could say something that would ease that terrible loneliness. You are cared for.  ❤️ You're always so supportive of others - I hope you can feel my support in return.

[marta1234]

Hey Hope, I've been wanting to add to what others have said for sometime. The Secret Garden used to be my favorite movie, and I used to replay the whole "garden" thing wherever I stayed when I was little. It was something where I used my imagination outside.

Sending you much love to you and your parts As 3R said, I wish I could say something to Little Hope and the isolation that she felt and was in. I really do. But all I can give is a gentle hug, and a blanket (if it's ok).

[Jazzy]

Hi Hope. I'm glad your head is feeling better now. I find it interesting that it improved when you stopped the heavy reading. Maybe it is a physical sign of too much stress.

I just want to say that I am sure sceal will be understanding about how difficult it can be to say goodbye. I'm sure you will do your best and it will be fine!

All the best!