Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Thank you so much for your kind and validating words - I appreciate them.   
Hope 

[Hope67]

26th April 2020
I'm planning to do some reflecting and maybe some summarising of my progress to date, and hope to write a few notes here in this Journal to describe that, and this is with a view to considering my next Journal and what I'd like to focus on - going forward with that.  So I'll be hoping to jot a few things down here, in the remaining days of April 2020, and then start a new Journal for May 2020.

Writing this intention here, is a good start to this process, as it will hopefully guide myself towards achieving this, and then my new Journal will hopefully be something that will have a direction and a purpose that will help my continued processing and progress.  Already I want to edit this, because it looks clunky, and so whilst I think of this, I want to say to myself - it doesn't matter what I write, I should allow myself to write without inner critics getting concerned about that, and just 'allow' myself to express myself.  It's my Journal afterall - and even as I write this, I feel a part of myself wailing and upset.  I wonder why she is so upset - telling myself it's ok.  We're all ok.

Glad to have a plan and looking forward to reflecting - but will pace it - and just express things here as and when it feels ok.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I tried to ask the upset part of myself questions about why she felt upset - after writing what I wrote yesterday - and some answers came to mind, which included the fact that I find any kind of transition or ending triggering - and therefore even just talking about ending this Journal to start a new one, and reflecting on progress heralded a transition and an ending/change.  Therefore triggering and upsetting the part of me that dislikes those things.  I also heard her say that she was worried that I might forget or leave her, or not care about her, and I reassured her that she will always be a part of my life - for as long as she wants to be, and that I won't leave her or desert her.  I won't abandon her.  This made parts of me feel some reassurance, and I think she felt better about that. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

good for you, hope!  i'm glad those parts were reassured. i wouldn't doubt they heard the strength in your voice, the resolve, to always have them with you.  i think you did great!    love and hugs!

[Not Alone]

Beautiful that you asked the part why she was upset and then listened to her and reassured her. Here is a hug for all the parts for whom it feels safe. 

[Snowdrop]

I love the way you listen to your parts, care for them and reassure them.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Notalone and Snowdrop -    Thank  you for your comments. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

29th April 2020
I am feeling quite a bit of anxiety and difficult feelings today, so decided to write here in my journal.  I want to look at some of this, and think about why I'm feeling this way.  I think it's because I put some kind of pressure on myself to summarise or think about this journal and my progress and the processes I've been going through - and I mentioned trying to do that in the remaining days of April, with a view to starting a new journal for May.

But I recognise that parts of me are feeling over-whelmed, and anxious and there's conflict between them about this - so essentially I don't think the parts were all on board for this.  There's resistance there.  And that's ok.

I'm reading the book 'The Courage to Heal' at the moment - for the second time.  I still haven't done any of the experiential writing exercises - and this is a theme - it repeats itself.  I often launch into reading various books, and I get excited that they are going to help me, and I feel that I am making progress by reading them, but essentially I avoid doing the experiential feeling things - at least in any dedicated way.  I find it very hard. 

I'm still in many ways at the door which is all about listening to a lecture on something and intellectualising about it - rather than immersing myself and feeling. 

I already feel as if I'm being harsh on myself, as another part of me says that I AM doing some dipping my toe in the water and feeling things - and that's why I've ended up 'feeling' so much anxiety today. 

The other things that's relevant is that I've been making a change in the past couple of days not to comfort eat - which I know was a defense that I was turning to to numb my emotions and feelings - but I want to stop it, because I've been gaining weight, and I don't like that.  So I've been strict with myself and cut down on my food intake this past couple of days, and consequently I'm 'feeling' things so much more.  It's like the feelings are flooding in and over-whelming me - it's hard.

**Potential Triggers here, as I am mentioning throat constricting and physical pressure, and some flashbacks related to CSA:

As I write this, I feel like there's a part of me that is wailing and constricting my throat area - it's like it puts a hand around my throat.

I've also been getting more flashbacks and thoughts when I have been reading the 'Courage to Heal' book - and some of those have been really disturbing to me - things that make me think that my CSA was a lot more severe and concerning than I thought it had been.  But I don't know if what I've been remembering or thinking about is 'real' or not.  There are also some disturbing gaps at different ages, and I can't fill them in as to what happened.  I'm not brave enough yet to write about these things, because I wonder if my brain is putting things there that might not have happened, but at the same time, I can't help having a gut feeling that they did happen. 

All of these feelings and reactions are validated and normalised in the book - and I am so grateful that I have that book, as I value hearing what survivors of CSA say about their experiences. 

I've also ordered a couple of books that are due to arrive soon - one is about Father-Daughter Incest and it's by Judith Herman and the other is something called 'The Obsidian Mirror' - I'm not sure what the exact title is, or who the writer is, but I know that the writer had made me feel drawn to that book, and so I wanted to read it. 

But I think that ordering those books has scared me a bit..  Scared some parts of me. 

I feel calmer now I've written those things - I'm glad I came here to write, I was getting over-whelmed, but somehow writing it here, it makes me feel better. 

I think I am stronger in myself that I can order those books and face reading those subjects - because for so many years I couldn't look at it, or read about it - I was in denial and unable to recognise what I needed.  But I'm at a different phase of life now, and I feel so eager to look at these things in the face - and to process my emotions and also live life in the here and now. 

I feel stronger for writing this - I am relieved. 

Hope 

[Three Roses]

You are such a fighter! I have such admiration and affection for you.

I strongly related to this portion -

I'm still in many ways at the door which is all about listening to a lecture on something and intellectualising about it - rather than immersing myself and feeling. 

I feel lately as if all the progress I made in my life, from my 30s on, has been negated. Or that the progress was never even there and I just fooled myself into thinking I was healthier. I've felt very discouraged recently, but this made me feel less alone as it's exactly how I feel rn.

[Blueberry]

I am feeling quite a bit of anxiety and difficult feelings today, so decided to write here in my journal.  I want to look at some of this, and think about why I'm feeling this way.  I think it's because I put some kind of pressure on myself to summarise or think about this journal and my progress and the processes I've been going through - and I mentioned trying to do that in the remaining days of April, with a view to starting a new journal for May.

But I recognise that parts of me are feeling over-whelmed, and anxious and there's conflict between them about this - so essentially I don't think the parts were all on board for this.  There's resistance there.  And that's ok.

Great self-acceptance here!  As well as realisations 

I'm reading the book 'The Courage to Heal' at the moment - for the second time.  I still haven't done any of the experiential writing exercises - and this is a theme - it repeats itself.  I often launch into reading various books, and I get excited that they are going to help me, and I feel that I am making progress by reading them, but essentially I avoid doing the experiential feeling things - at least in any dedicated way.  I find it very hard. 

This sounds very familiar, except it's not with reading for me. It's more that I do something in therapy with my T and feel how useful it is but then I don't do the exercise at home as much as I could / 'should' or even want to because 

another part of me says that I AM doing some dipping my toe in the water and feeling things - and that's why I've ended up 'feeling' so much anxiety today. 

 

Good on you for feeling stronger and relieved after writing! 

[Not Alone]

But I don't know if what I've been remembering or thinking about is 'real' or not.  There are also some disturbing gaps at different ages, and I can't fill them in as to what happened.  I'm not brave enough yet to write about these things, because I wonder if my brain is putting things there that might not have happened, but at the same time, I can't help having a gut feeling that they did happen. 

I sometimes (maybe often) doubt my memories. My T said that is very common. It is frustrating and difficult. I find it to be a bit crazy-making.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i know you read a lot of books, and with each one you talk about how much you've gotten out of it.  is it possible that you can see that as progress?  even the fact that you're scared after ordering these next books tells me that you are pushing yourself to look at issues in a new way.  putting a toe in - to me that means you are testing the waters.  these are uncomfortable waters, and i think it's very sensible to test them first.  let yourself get comfortable with what you're doing - let the water you're testing feel comfortable - and eventually you can immerse more of yourself - like doing the exercises available.

if we jump into the water before we're ready, we can easily get overwhelmed, be in over our heads.  if what you're doing continues to be helpful, i think it's wise to keep doing it.  please, be patient with yourself - this is your recovery, so you get to determine the pace and amount.  when you're ready, you'll get in a little deeper.  it sounds like it's not quite time for that yet, which is ok.  love and hugs, hope.  you're doing great.

[Blueberry]

 

And those gut feelings? I now trust my gut feelings when it's memories or even far-away slivers of memory. ime guts don't imagine things or get 'creative'. Even my mind doesn't imagine memories but it has sometimes given me metaphorical pictures, but even with those my gut feeling was: that didn't happen, it's a metaphor for emotional abuse. So I think we can trust our gut feelings on traumatic memories. 

[Snowdrop]

Thinking of you, lovely Hope. I'm glad you felt calmer and stronger for writing. I'm always in awe of your strength and courage.

[Hope67]

7th May 2020
I appreciate so much everything that people have said in my journal recently - thank you all 

I've been experiencing what I can only describe as a longer term EF or series of them in the past few days - hence I've not been able to write much here - whenever I've come here to try to do so, I've not been able to.  But I feel like I'm out of the EF cycle just now - and therefore maybe I'll be able to write something in the next days.  My plan had been to complete this journal and start a new one - but I know I still need to do some written reflection before deciding on the title and focus of the new journal, and I'm not ready yet - so I'll just stick to starting it when I feel the time is right.

In the meantime, I am so grateful to everyone here, because I appreciate the support and this community is a life-saver for me, and all my parts.

Hope