Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Not Alone]

Not pressuring yourself and waiting until the time feels right sounds like a good way to be kind to yourself. 

[Hope67]

Thanks Notalone, I am focusing on pacing myself and not putting on too much pressure.   

8th May 2020
Just wanted to write about a couple of dreams I've had - so I remember the themes - one was involving my asserting myself to my M and letting her know that I didn't feel comfortable with her treatment of me - which would have been a rare thing to have happened (i.e. for me to dare to challenge her in anyway), and during the dream I ended up physically trying to squash her neck and head in a big bin (so it was very physical and unexpected as an outcome).  I am not a physically aggressive person, not at all, so this isn't something I would consider doing in real life, but clearly my dreams were affected quite a bit.

The other dream (last night) involved me treading on land where it wasn't safe to walk without potentially falling through some kind of boggy ravine - but I was doing my best to tread carefully and stay safe. 

Not sure what these dreams mean, but the first one about my M makes me think that for once I actually was doing something to challenge her, and clearly some anger had surfaced within that.

Whilst I'm feeling brave enough right now to write something - I also want to say that having the book called 'Father-Daughter Incest' by Judith Herman caused me to have a lot of anxiety - especially whilst waiting for it to arrive, and then when it had arrived I opened it and looked at it, and then put it back in the packing and couldn't start reading it for a few days - and quite a few feelings surfaced relating to that - which included quite a lot of shame and disgust at myself - so I felt like I was getting in touch with a part of myself that had felt repressed and shut away.  But I managed to start reading the book, and then more feelings came to me - this time of shock that literature and past scholars who've studied incest have been so judgemental about it in terms of their descriptions - and I was so grateful to Judith Herman for writing a book that brings literature together and looks at the subject in a less judgemental way - so I am glad to be reading it, and think it will be positive for me.

As part of my reflecting on things, I've noticed that there are definitely quite a few areas of my life that I tend to avoid focusing on - I realise I have traumas relating to my work history - and things that happened there, which I know would be helpful to talk through with someone at some point, but which I feel trapped and unable to address. There are reasons for that - it's a complicated situation.   But this also makes me think that a repeating pattern is evident relating to it - in that I was silenced as a child, and had to live with lots of lies told to me by the people who were supposed to be my care-givers, and I think that my work situation became  repetition of that - I was ending up being silenced even when I felt brave enough to speak up about something - and now I've basically lost my whole career.  But I could re-frame it and say I chose to walk away from it in the end, because I did choose that road.  But now, I find it harder to find my role and path in life currently - although I'm beginning to consider things I want to focus on and that I think could potentially be something that could be lucrative in terms of a future employment possibility.

I feel like I'm waffling a bit now, but I do feel more hopeful in some ways.

I keep telling myself that this is the 2020's and there's every reason to think that this decade will get better - as I am free now.  I am working through my emotions and trying to nurture and befriend the various parts of me.  Doing this at a pace that feels ok - although it's tough sometimes, and I fear being over-whelmed, but I then actively step-back a bit, and give myself space.

I wrote more than I thought I would today - and I'm glad I did.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

I keep telling myself that this is the 2020's and there's every reason to think that this decade will get better - as I am free now.  I am working through my emotions and trying to nurture and befriend the various parts of me.  Doing this at a pace that feels ok - although it's tough sometimes, and I fear being over-whelmed, but I then actively step-back a bit, and give myself space.

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Notalone - 

***********
11th May 2020
I have finished reading the book about Father-Daughter Incest, and I feel quite heavy with emotions from reading it, and there's a large part of me that feels 'heavy' as a result.  But, I am glad I read it, because it has helped me.  I have been getting a lot of flashbacks to situations and events relating to my FOO, and I related to lots of things that were written in that book.

I need to give myself some space and time to just let things sink in, and allow myself to process further - but without burrowing any deeper into any further information - I won't read the next book I've got ('The Obsidian Mirror') for a while - but another part of me wants me to start it very soon.  It's like I've got a thirst to read things - but I really want to give myself space. 

I've been triggered quite a bit by stuff relating to the pandemic as well recently - and trying to handle those emotions and feelings. 

I've been comfort eating too.  I had stopped myself for a while, but it's too hard to stick to - but I'll try again this week and see how I get on at achieving a better balance.

Trigger warning - mentioning suicidal ideation, but nothing that I would act on, purely thoughts
I did get in touch with a more self-attacking part of myself who was very keen that I should hurt or harm myself, and threw out suicidal kind of thoughts - as suggestions to me, but I didn't heed them, apart from acknowledging that I know that part of me is there, and that I am so sorry that she feels that way - but I attempted to tell her (as my 'self') that I would be there, and protect and help her through this. 

I've recognised more parts of myself that hold onto some really negative views - like disgust, like feeling different and apart and I was relieved to see that the book described so many aspects of those things that made sense - and that they were ways that people who've experienced incest (covert and overt incest).

I feel like I want to write so much more, but I feel like I would get tangled up and mixed up with my writing - so I won't try to put it in words. 

I've recognised that I've been projecting some anger onto other people in my life, in the here and now, rather than placing those feelings where they belong - which is in relation to FOO - my partner pointed that out to me - thankfully I wasn't projecting them onto him, but he did point out I'd been blaming someone we both know, and he wondered if my negativity towards that person was valid, and whether it originated from my FOO and issues relating to them rather than to the person - and I admitted that he was most likely right about that.

It's given me plenty to think about - and I want to change that dynamic - it's not fair of me to project stuff onto someone who doesn't deserve those feelings projected on them.  I don't think they would have noticed, but he said they might pick up the feelings of hostility - so I am going to be mindful of this.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

I'm always impressed with your insight and courage.  it's so nice you have a partner who is supportive and will point things out like that.

[Hope67]

Thanks Three Roses, I am also grateful to have such an empathic and understanding partner.    Very supportive. 
to you as well.  You are someone whose support and understanding  I appreciate very much too.
Hope 

[Hope67]

12th May 2020
Trying to think of a new name for my next journal - and hoping to start it in the next day or so. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

14th May 2020
I've started reading the book 'The Obsidian Mirror: An Adult Healing from Sexual Abuse' by Louise M Wisechild, and I find it is an incredibly powerful book, in that it has really put me in touch with some very strong emotions and some flashback memories - I relate to so many things that she says, and I know it's going to be a helpful book - but it is going to take a lot of my energies up to read it - as it is so powerful and resonating to me.

I have been dreaming more this past few days - so I think I'm processing so many more things, and they are spilling over into my dreams.

Still thinking about a name for my new journal, and hope to start that before May is over.  But I know there's no pressure to do anything, so that's ok. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i agree, hope - it's ok to start your journal, start a book, read through a book, write what you want when you want, even if you want in your journal.  it's all ok.  this stuff can be very difficult to face, let alone work through.  i believe we've done a great job from the start just by still being here. 

i echo what 3r said, and give you so much credit for your continuing progress.  with you all the way, my dear.  love and hugs

[woodsgnome]

Hope67,

It seems like you're perhaps in a state of flow about your progress on this zig-zag course we call recovery.

I'll try and explain that. Picture moving down a river, and getting into a critical jam; you cling to a rock, too scared of what's been happening. Yet you decide you have to move away from the rock. So you risk letting go, staying alert to the process, or the flow, that can best move you along, while staying safe; you realized you wanted to move further along at some point. Even if the rock seemed safe, you were still stuck.

Personally, I've always said to myself that my highest goal was to find peace with my life. But as time passed, I also realized that this sounded nice, but I was still the same -- like I was holding on desperately to that rock, afraid to move. Until I let go, and discovered that maybe there were other options if I at least dared to investigate the river's flow. The key, though, was to assess how I could move on and still feel safe, or risk losing that precious peace I was still searching for. The flow still had its twists and turns, but it was getting me past being stuck with that rock.

So I'm not offering advice, just making an observation of how I read your incredibly honest and soul-searching reflections as you continue your own journey of peace, and find the flow that your heart is steering you towards.

I hope that's alright -- as I hope this expression of support is ~~~~~ 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you said - it means a lot to have such support and validation - and I value it so much.    and thank you for the love and hugs, and sending them also to you. 

Hi woodsgnome,
Thank you so much for your support and hug, and sending one for you also    I found your description of the flow down the river to be really apt and my mind was able to visualise it strongly, and I related to it very much.  I have been thinking in terms of being in a 'waiting room' where I'm afraid to go out to see what I'm waiting for, but I really like the thought of being in a river flowing past rocks because it's hopeful that there will be a wide open sea at the end of that river, where I might find a new horizon that will be exciting and bring new insights.  Nicer to be out in nature, than cooped up in a waiting room.

Or maybe I'll find a tranquil pool rather than the sea - I don't know.  But the thing is that I'm feeling safe enough to explore these things currently, and I very much put that down to having a safe support place - here in this forum - with caring and supportive friends I've made along the way.  I wanted to list them all here, but I know that's not essential to do - they all mean something to me, and I appreciate everyone's support. 

Anyway, thank you for sharing your observation, as it is really helpful to me.   

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,

I am sorry I haven't been able to follow your journey these past few months. But I just wanted to come by and let you know I think about you from time to time, and that if it's okay, I'd like to give you a hug.  

[Blueberry]

Dear Hope, It's similar for me. I do read your Journal on and off but often I don't have the energy to reply or even send you some hugs.

I think it's huge what you are managing in recovery. You don't have a T to support you and you keep on going - all these brave steps looking at things, memories coming up, dreams and nightmares. Then you also seem quite firmly planted irl too, e.g. with your partner or just getting on with things irl.

What you wrote a few days ago about showing aggression to your M in a dream resonated with me. I've had dreams like that twice now where I did something physically aggressive to someone or to something that I would never do irl but in the dream it was cathartic and once I got over the shock of having done it and wrote about it on here, I didn't feel bad about it anymore. That's what your dream reminded me of. I hope it is healing for you too. 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal - Thank you so much for coming by - and I appreciate the hug very much 

Hi Blueberry - When you said that you think it's huge what I am managing in recovery - it really helped me, because I'd not really thought of 'managing in recovery' and I like that way of looking at it.  The word 'recovery' is a word I like as well - it would be good to feel on the road towards some recovery, and I do feel I am on that path.

I had been watching a programme called 'Killing Eve' which is about a psychopathic killer called Villeneuve (might not have spelled her name correctly) and it was the same night that I dreamed those aggressive themes in my dream about my M - so I feel sure that the programme influenced me, and I don't feel bad about the content - like you said, writing about it and processing it here makes it somehow not so shocking - so yes, I did find it healing.  Thank you for validating those things - and I appreciate the hug and support 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]