Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Tee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, Jazzy, Owl, and Tee,
Thank you all.   

*******
6th June 2020
I have slept relatively ok the last few nights, but my partner is concerned that I've been having some episodes at night where I get out of bed (whilst still asleep) and my partner told me that he's worried about me.  I've tried to explain to him that it's because I've been reading quite heavy literature in recent weeks, and then there's stressors in our life related to other things, and therefore the combination of those things has made parts of me get really stirred up and reactive (particularly at night).  I think he would like me to stop exploring things, but I try to explain that I feel like I need to process and explore things.

Yet at the same time, I feel sometimes worried about myself - although I feel in other ways that I am doing ok!    So conflict is there, between how I feel, and how he feels, and I'm now feeling like I can't write much more right now, as I just don't know what to say about it.

This weekend I hope to just write things 'as and when they occur' in my journal, and then my plan is that I will hopefully finally decide on a title for my new journal - and then start it next week - I'd like to identify some goals to focus on within that, and hope that I'll come to conclusions about that, based on my weekend thoughts about it. 

I was watching one of the Avaiya University talks in the PTSD conference yesterday - it was by Dave Berger, and it was really good.  It was about somatic experiencing, and I think it's still available to watch for free today - I wanted to put a link on the forum here, but for some reason my computer wouldn't allow me to paste it, so I wasn't able to do that - I tried yesterday, and couldn't do it.

My feelings - I feel quite a lot of anxiety at the moment - it's like a raw frightening feeling.  Like dread.  I'm carrying it a lot inside at the moment.  I don't like it.

I jotted some things down in my notebook - they include:
Friendships
Goodbyes/transitions
Repeating cycles
Realisations
I also wrote: Accessing flow to express things - Acknowledging patterns - Different parts of me - Decade - Pacing Self.

These things all meant something when I jotted those things down, but the substance behind them, I didn't write - so I'm just jotting them here, because I hope to write more over the weekend and seeing them here, might help me fill in the substance and write more.

Snookiebookie had put a link about perfectionism and it was a U-tube video by Elizabeth Gilbert the author, and she spoke really well about perfectionism being fear - I related to that.  I feel my creativity is blocked, and it's down to perfectionism (expressed largely as 'fear')  Fear not to do well, fear to fail, so many fears.

As I write this, I feel a constriction in my throat area, and feel tears want to tumble. 

Earlier in the last few days, I had a moment when I was laughing hysterically infront of my partner, and then crying - it was like two alternative emotions were vying to be heard, and I felt like I was crazy - or at least that he would think I was. 

There is a lot of stress around us at the moment - and expectations and pressure from others too - and I think I'm finding that tough to negotiate.  I can see why I am feeling like this at the moment.  I understand it.

Will hope to come back later and write more. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Been thinking about things - I think that I'm putting undue pressure on myself.  I try to tie-up lose ends, make sense of things, and put things into coherent order, and yet right now my system is a bit chaotic, and different parts are clamouring and jostling with each other.  So I'm making the decision that I need to focus on trying to soothe and relax my system over the weekend - put some energy into thinking of something that my partner and I can do together, which is enjoyable and relaxing, and try to just enjoy the fact we're both alive and healthy and living our lives.

We've both been rushing around this morning - trying to catch-up with various things, and now there's some space this afternoon, and I think I'll suggest something we can do together. 

I recognise that getting into contact with some vulnerable parts of myself has set the fighting and protective parts off, and I really need to get to know them more, and work in harmony between all parts of myself.  Right now, there are too many competing voices wanting to be heard, and trying to blend with me.  So I am going to try to calm and do something nice.  Something relaxing.  Something which is with my partner and something that we can both feel relaxed and communicate.

Hope 

[Hope67]

***Potential trigger warning, as mentioning anger in this entry.

This is very hard today - I thought I was going to be calm and do something with my partner, and I find I can't approach him right now, as he's busy doing something, and I am battling with various parts of myself that feel abandoned/upset.  I am also finding that I have critical parts which are really taking my character apart - and criticising me.  It's over-whelming, and my head hurts. 

I also feel as if I want to eat lots of 'bad' things - pizza, cake, ice-cream, but I am stopping myself from doing that right now.

As I write this, there's a part that tells me I'm pathetic for writing.  It's annoying!  I hate how I write in a stilted way, and I re-read things sometimes and feel as if it looks stilted, or sometimes that it flowed well and I was ok.

I have a lump in my throat today - it feels like it is a blockage, but I realise it's my emotions surfacing and I'm experiencing that.

 

I feel quite intense shame today as well - I know that something that I read has triggered me to feel that.  It was relating to wondering whether there's a part of me that is narcissistic, and it really upsets me to think that might be the case - but it could be.  I can think of a couple of events/times in my life when I felt as if I could achieve a lot, and indeed, at that time, felt blended with a part of me that helped me achieve things - but I never felt confident underneath, and I wonder if I was narcissistic at those times. 

I also feel bad that I think that my M was narcissistic - I related so much to information that was written about being the child of a narcissistic parent, it was like it fitted my feelings well - but when I've talked to my partner about my M, he has given a different thought - that her issues are down to being traumatised too.  I do agree with that, and I do feel bad that I labelled her as a NM, when I don't have the qualifications to make that kind of call - I just labelled her having read self-help information!  Part of me has chastised me for that.

I know that angry parts have surfaced, and I don't often 'feel' anger, but lately I have been coming into contact with anger, and it's been directed in various directions, and I fear that none of the directions are where the anger should be going.  I feel bad about that as well.

I feel bad about lots of things, and it really upsets me.  I feel distraught as I say that, as I write it, I feel that emotions so strongly and it really upsets me.

I think I need to go out and walk, and get the angst out of myself.  I need to get rid of some of this energy and these feelings - I'll do that.
Hope 

It also annoys me how I always sign off with a smiley face, but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it - in an obsessional kind of way, I want to do that.  It feels incongruous though - like I'm giving a smile, when my feelings don't feel that way.  I should have put a trigger warning on these writings - I might do that. 

[Three Roses]

  fwiw, imo your writing is never stilted. You get your point across with gentle sincerity and compassion. I'm a little envious at times.

Your  are always a welcome sight to me.

[Snowdrop]

 

I always admire the honesty of your writing. I also think you're doing really well listening to your parts, and recognising when you're blended.

What you wrote about your M made me wonder if she might be traumatised and narcissistic? As opposed to one or the other. I don't think there's anything wrong in relating to information that's written about being the child of a NM. It may have helped you make sense of things, and therefore helped you on your healing journey.

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses,
Thank you so much for what you said, and sending you a hug 

Hi Snowdrop,
Thank you for what you said, and I think that my M is both traumatised and narcissistic - I think those things do fit.  I realise I was blended with a few vocal parts of myself yesterday - and thankfully today - I'm calmer in many ways.     

7th June 2020
Pleased to be feeling more stable mood-wise today - and calmer in myself.  Relieved. 
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Glad you're feeling better today Hope!   Maybe it would be good to take things a little slower overall? I wouldn't say stop working on yourself, but sleep walking can be dangerous, and certainly is not restful. So, maybe you can find a middle ground.

I think its easy to become narcissistic after trauma, and people who don't pay attention can fall in to that. My M has survived multiple traumas, but she is also very narcissistic. Many people have been amazed how bad she is, and made comments and questions as soon as she was gone. So, a person can definitely be both. I'm not a professional either, but I think it is more important what kind of a personality people see, rather than what an official diagnosis says. I've never gotten the feeling of you being narcissistic though; I think you're safe.

Anyway, sorry I'm rambling on about myself. Good job on managing everything through the weekend.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
I appreciate you saying those things, and I found it very helpful that you shared your experiences with your M within your reply, as you helped me think about my own M, and I relate to lots of what you said there.  I'm glad that I've not given the impression that I am narcissitic, because that has made me feel relieved - although I do still think there is a part of me, that might be a little narcissistic - because that part of me tells me that I 'can' do things, and 'achieve' things, and that 'if only' I did something with all my efforts, that I'd be 'really good at it' - whilst many other parts of me feel as if I'm not good at things, and the fear of not those things to a certain standard, makes me feel defective sometimes, and so I don't start a project as a result of that.  But I realise I'm hard on myself, as a result of that.

Jazzy - it has definitely helped that you said those things, so please - no need to say sorry for rambling, as I don't think you're rambling, and even if you were, I would respect that rambling is a nice thing in anycase...   I do take on board what you said about finding a middle ground and pacing myself better - I've been full-on in reading stuff lately, and I think I need to just let things settle.  I recognise my partner was also expressing concern about the sleep walking - and you've mentioned it as potentially dangerous too, and I am taking that on board.  I will pace myself and see how things go.  Thank you 

8th June 2020

Feeling more hopeful today - feeling calmer.  Also, I did sleep better last night.  No nighttime events or memories of any events, so that's good.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I hope you're still sleeping better, Hope.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi, Hope, it is nice to hear that you're feeling calmer and I hope that lasts for you.

A couple of things you wrote really chimed with me and I hope it's OK if I share my thoughts. Re being narcissistic I often worried and still do worry about that sometimes. But, apart from a certain amount of narcissism being healthy, I believe that a trauma impacted mind is often searching for solutions to 'things' (you wrote something about that too) which, with me can often lead to jumping to conclusions whenever something is a possiblity. It's very easy for me to read something and think 'ah, that's me!' Just wanted to share that, hope it's OK. Take care 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, Thank you - I have slept better this past couple of nights, and it's a relief.   Thanks also for the hug 

Hi SaB,
I really appreciate what you said, because what you've said describes something I have been thinking -  in that I sometimes feel like whatever I'm reading, or things I hear and soak up, I tend to then feel as if they are pertinent to me, and it's like there's a filter there that draws me close to whatever theory or description is happening, and depending on how I'm feeling, I am sometimes not able to realise what is 'right' and what is accurate.   Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, as they make a lot of sense to me.  Thanks also for the hug      I love the way you wrote 'a trauma impacted mind is often searching for solutions to things' -  it makes sense and it also chimes with me too.   

11th June 2020
I think I'd been in a series of EF's in the past few days, and felt like my system was pulled in various directions - and I went through a range of emotions, including some intense feelings of grief, and some anger too. 

There had been a few triggering issues in the early part of the week, and they had really got to me, and I realised I was struggling a bit, and getting very emotional and feeling I wasn't coping very well. 

But time has caused some resolution of my emotions, and today I sat with my book that contains a lot of past notes and time-lines, and I went through them - bringing parts of myself along to read them with me - i.e. engaging my self and other parts alongside - and was able to read things, and make extra notes, as parts noticed new things, and told me that things were in the wrong order, or that they hadn't happened quite how I thought they had originally - made some changes, and this process has been helpful to me. 

So I'm feeling a lot calmer at the moment, and I'm so grateful for that.  I had felt so over-whelmed before, and so this current feeling of calmness is much needed.  I hope I can hold onto it for a while.

As I write this, I am thinking of Deep Blue's new kitten, and how happy I felt when I read about that kitten. 

I also want to write that after I'd been reading my time-lines and notes, that I'd experienced a really strong pain in my stomach area and through to my back - I had been noticing in my notes that there had been times in my time-line when I'd written about those exact symptoms and feelings, and they are very intense when they happen, and I think they're significant.  It really hurt a lot, but thankfully didn't last more than about 15 minutes - or thereabouts.  Now I don't have any pain. 

As I sit here now, I'm remembering that when I was in my early 20's, I had gone to a psychic fair where there were people practising various things, and some people doing Reiki, and I'd seen a woman who did a session on me, and she told me I had 'black energy' around my pelvic area - and that's always stayed with me, that she saw blackness there. 

I've been reading Snowdrop's transitional descriptions, where she talks of changing things, and I imagine that maybe I can do something sometime to try to remove the black energy feelings that I have. 

I'm finding it hard to finish this journal and start a new one, and this seems reflective of the fact that I feel 'stuck' in many respects, and as if I'm in a waiting room, or trapped in a box, or unable to progress. 

It's as if I want to be able to summarise everything into some kind of tidy processed package, and then start something new, but I am aware that I've been opening various parts/packages and there are so many threads there, and it can't be tidy, and I can't pack them away now - they're partially open, and it's untidy and 'out there'.

I was re-reading an old journal here the other day, and I was amazed by what I'd written, I couldn't believe how 'open' I'd been about so many things - I've written about so much! 

**TW Mentioning incest and CSA in this next part

In recent weeks I've been reading some books in areas that I have normally avoided , i.e. incest and CSA, and it's been helpful to do that.   I know that some protective parts of myself were triggered by that, and they caused me to start sleep walking and having night-time events again, but they have calmed again, and I am doing ok.  I know that I was in a series of EF's and experiencing some dissociative experiences in the daytime too, and that my partner became more worried and concerned for my well-being, but thankfully I'm calmer and have been able to reassure him that I'm ok.  I think so anyway!

I recognise that I need to pace myself more, and also be kinder to myself and allow myself to just 'be'.

(I also want to write a note to remind myself that I wanted to write something more about the book 'The Secret Garden' as I know that Notalone had said about the characters, and I wanted to talk more about them, and how I'd felt reading that book - I've nearly finished it, so maybe in a day or two, I can reflect and comment on that, as I wanted to do that).

Whilst it's been difficult and challenging emotionally this past few days, I am feeling more hopeful today - because I think I understand more the reality of my experiences, and I'm beginning to process some things, and accept them as real experiences, rather than the feeling that I'm trapped in some kind of strange gothic novel. 

I'm grateful to everyone in this community, and ever thankful that it's here. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're feeling calmer, Hope. I think you're doing brilliantly. Sent you a PM.

[Hope67]

Thanks notalone, and Snowdrop 

12th June 2020
Tired now, but I think it's been an ok day.  I think I might start my new journal any day now - maybe even tomorrow... 
Hope